Please ignore the post about me writing more often

I'm leaving town for a few days. It's too bad, because I have a REALLY funny story to write about. But I don't have time to write it now. Yup, no time at all. Absolutely no time. Can't waste a minute. Every second counts. Well, actually, every third second counts, plus seconds divisible by 15, but that's so complicated that I tell most people every second counts and they get the jist. Is it gist or jist? When a porn company has an unresolvable argument and splits into two, is it a jism or a schism?

Gotta go!

Back from the Holidays

After visiting my sister Michele in New York, we drove home with my sister Tina and spent the last week with my Mom. A pile of mental notes I made during my stay are now either in the dark corner under my mental desk or mistakenly flushed down the mental toilet after watching an episode of "Rich Girls," a show on MTV that provides the best argument in American history for a progressive tax system. These notes grow grander each day they are lost. I know I had the cure for cancer. It involved peaches, envisioning the cancer cells as those Tribbles from the original Star Trek, and a mass of white T-cells in the shape of James Kirk calmly firing a phaser set to "No More Trouble" at the cuddly masses of evil cancer cells.

I'll be writing more soon. And to all my friends, from fundamentalist Christian to non-practicing Christian, Happy Holidays!

What Embarassing Comment?

Obviously, the Bush administration can't airbush the "Mission Accomplished" sign to read "This Mission Accomplished." But what if government agencies wanted to edit out embarrassing comments in official records, or remove links to scientific studies that don't support their policies?

This isn't an academic question. The Washington Post has a good article where they summarize some of these changes made either under the direction of the White House or due to the agencies' own impetus.

I am sure that every administration tries to revise its words to one degree or another. But although the Internet has been around for over a decade, its reach only became powerful enough to motivate information scrubbing on the web in the past 5 or 6 years. The Bush administration is the first administration to have to deal with this issue fully.

And what pisses me off is that, given a chance to set a standard that will make it harder or easier for future presidents to do the same, they are leaning towards establishing lax standards through a creation of a culture where this type of thing is acceptable. (Isn't this the argument for more testing in schools and against Hollywood sex and violence?)

Sure, many top political appointees are replaced during new administrations, but the people actually removing the information aren't the agency heads. They're the web editors and the staff. The lower level people who tend to stay around from administration to administration and will do what they did before unless told otherwise. If the White House established a policy of "No content changes on the web for political purposes," it would make it more likely for these workers to protest attempts by future presidents, many of whom will give in to the same temptation.

Coming to a Porn Store Near You

"Return of the Kink"

Starring:
* Araporn
* Grima Longtongue
* Handsoff

and...?

I Saw This on a Bumper Sticker

I think when Jesus said "Love Your Enemies" he probably meant don't kill them.

I would like to see this on a bumper sticker:

(i'm a rebel with a cause, but no one has heard of my cause and i got tired of explaining it so i just call myself) REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE

Slogan of The Postal Service Mafia

"We know where you live."

Is This Wrong?

I put up a dry erase board in our kitchen today, and inaugurated it by witting this message. My roommates, one of who moved in a few weeks ago, haven't come home yet.

Washington Post Headlines

...
Court's Ruling Maddens Groups on Left and Right
Court's ruling: Groups on left and right suck.

Gephardt Aims for Populist Iowa Win
Gephardt aims for more people to vote for him than Dean? Huh?

Rat-Borne Disease Kills Zoo Monkey
Death seen as retaliation for last week's monkey-borne disease that maimed rat. Nobody screws with the rat.

Va. Plans Felony Spam Indictments
D.A. to send 1,000 indictments to each violator.

France Mulls Ban on Head Scarves
Finally! Another country that hates Muslims as much as we do.

New Antidepressants Warning Issued
Warning: assembling pills in pattern of frowny face mitigates pills' effectiveness.

Beyonce, R. Kelly Win 4 at Billboards
Beyonce thanks family, fans; R. Kelly thanks parole agent.

Flu Vaccines Still Available in District
"Yup," says jittery suburbanites. "They sure are."

Hobbit Fan Trailer

Although this fan trailer for The Hobbit is mostly existing LOTR footage edited together, it's worth watching because it's done so well, particularly the first half. Link from Boing Boing.

Mercury Free!

"High protein! Low fat!" That's some of the ad copy on my five-lb. bag of Trader Joe's Skinless, Boneless Chicken Breasts, written so shoppers will choose this five-lb. bag of skinless, boneless chicken breasts as opposed to one of the five-lb. bags of skinless, boneless chicken breasts sitting next to it.

Next to the announcement of these strange properties of chicken is "No hormones!" It made me feel relieved. And that worried me. Because if I saw "No hormones" on a box of Chips Ahoy! cookies, I wouldn't feel relieved. I'd wonder what the hell where hormones are doing in cookies in the first place. But my reaction made me realize that I've been conditioned to accept a level of crap in my food, ingredients and treatments that would shock people from a 100 years ago, and likely people a 100 years from now, in the same way the old practice of using mercury in everything from medicine to lead paint shocks us.

It turns out that "No hormones!" is as silly of a claim for chicken as "Low fat!" The USDA bans hormones from being used in raising hogs or poultry, and requires manufactures that put "No hormones!" on the packaging to also put "Federal regulations prohibit the use of hormones in poultry" [or pigs].

And if you're not yet convinced I need to leave the house more often, after I read this on the USDA's web site, and mused about the interplay of all these messages while eating a Twix bar, I wondered if all of these messages were just a way for a subversive copywriter at Trader Joe's to get people thinking along these very same lines. For if the package only had "No hormones!" on it, and the USDA disclaimer, I wouldn’t have given this a second thought. It was this message next to all these obviously silly messages that got me thinking.

Perhaps it was the copywriter pressuring management to put "No MSG!" and "Minimally processed!" on the package, each exclamation point a gentle nudge to consider why the lack of perversion of our food should make us excited. Perhaps this was his or her way to inflame the hearts of the buccaneers that patronize Trader Joe's, to light the trick birthday candle in all our hearts, the candle that lights again ever after it's blown out, unless you douse it in water, the water that melts from the frozen chicken after you put it in the refrigerator to defrost.

For the record, I was outside for 15 minutes today.

My First Earthquake!

I felt an earthquake today! I am really excited. I always wanted to feel one. Several months ago, when I was in California, I jumped up and down for an hour but nothing happened.

Here's my earthquake story. It was around 4:00 today. I was writing on the computer. My room shook a bit. I thought it was the trucks outside. Then I took a nap.

You can read more Earthquake 2003 stories in this article from The Washington Post, which is how I found out I was in an earthquake.

Update: The Washington Post put up a forum for people to post their earthquake stories. What struck me is that several people wrote something along the lines of "I was glad it was only an earthquake." There's still a lot of fear out there.

Remember When You Were a Kid And You Were Lost in a Store?

This is the first article I've read about false memories. I thought I read other articles on the subject, but after reading this one, I remembered the truth.

Wait a minute...

I hope the dependence on witness testimony in court cases is an artifact of the movies and not a practice in real-life. Sure, I'm aware that memory can be manipulated and fallible, but I don't live my life constantly questioning their accuracy or wondering if the few memories I have from childhood are true. I doubt anyone does. Life has enough doubt as it is. But (read this guardedly) most of us can remember a time when we or a friend of ours was positive this happened that way, or we definitely parked here, but it actually happened the other way, or we parked over there.

But occasionally I'll hear of a person wrongly imprisoned, usually based on the testimony of one or two people whose certainty in their false memories swayed a jury, and I wonder how often it happens. Is eyewitness testimony sufficiently doubted in today's judicial system? Should it be trusted at all?

There's no way I'm ending on such a pretentious note. This is one of the quotes from the article:
"In one study published last year, 50% of volunteers were persuaded they had taken a ride in a hot-air balloon when they had not. But when Kathy Pezdek of the Claremont Graduate University, California, tried to make people believe they had received a rectal enema, she met with almost universal resistance."

How To Tell If You Are a Loser

Important:
If the link above is flashing, you have been selected as a Winner! Click here for your prize!!!

Gore to Endorse Dean?

The AP says Gore will endorse Dean tomorrow. If it's true, it is amazing that Gore would back a candidate weeks before the first primary, particularly because of the concerns of Dean's electability. What did Dean promise him, to create a Department of 'Bush Sucks' if Dean's elected?

You know, there are four or five candidates running for the Democratic nomination that would make a good president. It's too bad they can't join forces and assemble into a giant Voltron-like robot. At the debates, it would be 6-foot President Bush vs. 20-foot Demtron.

PRESIDENT BUSH: "I support our troops and what we did in Iraq."
DEMTRON RIGHT-ARM (Kerry): "Don't equate supporting the troops with getting us into an unnecessary war. I spilled my blood in Vietnam, jackass. "
DEMTRON WAVY HAIR (Sharpton): "While you flew the coop, he was one of the troops."
PRESIDENT BUSH: "How dare you call me a jackass?"
DEMTRON HEAD (Lieberman): "That was a little uncivil."
DEMTRON LEFT ARM (Dean) "You want to see uncivil?" [makes middle finger]
DEMTRON RIGHT-ARM (Kerry) [high-fives Dean] "Mission accomplished!"
DEMTRON HEAD (Lieberman): "Now, boys…"
PRESIDENT BUSH: "You either apologize or I'll end this debate right now."
DEMTRON LEFT ARM (Dean): "Sounds good. Clark, would you like to do the honors?"
DEMTRON RIGHT LEG (Clark): "Mr. President, if you could pull down your pants and bend over?"
PRESIDENT BUSH: "What the?"
DEMTRON HEAD (Lieberman): "Wesley!"
DEMTRON RIGHT LEG (Clark): "Say hello to Froggy for me." [kicks Bush in butt. Bush sails across room and into the arms of a horrified Dick Cheney.]
DEMTRON HEAD (Lieberman): [sighs]: "Sometimes I wish I were just a head in a jar."

Mission Still Accomplished

From CNN Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer:

BLITZER: Was it a mistake when the president appeared on the USS Abraham Lincoln May 1st, declared major combat operations over, and there was a huge banner, as you remember, saying "Mission Accomplished"? Looking back on the White House role, you're the chief of the staff for the White House, was it a mistake for the White House to be involved in putting that banner up on the Abraham Lincoln?

ANDREW CARD [White House Chief of Staff]: Well, it was a spectacular visit by the president to the troops on that ship that had accomplished an important mission for their country. And the president was there to celebrate the successes of those particular sailors and Marines and the great work that they did. They were on an unusually long deployment.

And they were the ones who requested that slogan; their mission had been accomplished. And yes, the White House did produce the banner, but it was produced at the recommendation of the request of the sailors and the Marines that were on the ship.

SAILORS: "President Bush, can we have a 'Mission Accomplished' banner behind you on the ship?"
BUSH: "No, it wouldn't be right. The military action was the easy part. We still have a long way to go."
SAILORS: "Come on, Mr. Bush. Please?"
BUSH: "I'm sorry, but it would be premature at this point."
SAILORS: "Weeee-neeeer….weeee-neeeer."
BUSH: "My draft board called me worse."
HARVARD MAN: "That's right, guys. Don't try to convince him. He's a Yalie. The spirit of those foppers are as weak as their crew team."
BUSH: "You crimson bastard! How dare you sully my alma matter? [slaps Harvard Man with fencing glove] Put it up! Put the banner up!"
SAILORS: "YEAH! Bulldog! Bulldog! Bow, wow, wow! Our team can never fail!"

The second paragraph in this article, "Torture Rife in Uzbek 'Health Farm' Jail" could have come straight from The Onion.

JASLIK, Uzbekistan (Reuters) - Muzafar Avazov's teeth were smashed and his fingernails ripped out by the time he died, but the head of the Uzbek jail where he was killed says the prison is like a health farm.

"Prisoners live in comfort, eat scrumptious food and play soccer. All is great," said Col. Alikhaidar Kolumbetov, sitting in a throne-like black and gold armchair.

...

Laura Bush Asked to Help Chinese Dissidents

George W. Bush: No.
Cheney: No.
State Department: No.
U.S. Ambassador: No.
Obi Wan Kenobi: No.
Outkast: Alright alright alright alirght alright alright no.
Xing Xing: No No.

Already halfway around the Internet

Search for "miserable failure" in Google.

Book Review: The Da Vinci Code

What makes "The Da Vinci Code," a thriller that has been on the New York Times Bestseller list for months now, worth reading is the many fascinating facts about art history, word origins, pagan symbols and Christianity that author Dan Brown weaves into the story.

These bits of trivia may be obvious to art students and etymology buffs, but for me, moments like finding out how the Egyptian god and goddess for fertility, Amon and Isis (whose ancient pictogram was once called L'ISA) inspired the name for one of Da Vinci's most famous paintings is enough to make the book worth reading. (Brown gives several examples of Da Vinci inserting symbols of paganism and subtle digs at Christianity in his works. News to me.)

The "Da Vinci Code" reminds me of old science fiction that survived on the strength of its ideas rather than the quality of its writing. The writing in this book is terrible. Brown uses adjectives and adverbs in his sentences the way McDoanld's uses salt on its fries. And his descriptions of places and people ring hollow. When the main character has a flashback to a symbolism class at Harvard he taught, I thought:

1) Dan Brown has never taught a class at Harvard, or any college.
2) "Saved By The Bell" is going to sue his ass.

While the plot isn't particularly inventive, it kept me turning the pages. It is kind of like watching a soap opera that makes you roll your eyes with the cheesy music and lingering close-ups, but keeps you watching when the heiress' husband, supposedly dead, shows up drenching wet at her door before the commercial break.

In short, this is a book of very interesting ideas about symbols and history with a decent plot that makes up for the poor writing. I won't go into the central and most interesting argument in the book, but it involves the Holy Grail not being a grail, and Brown provides enough evidence to at least make one wonder if it could be true.

My rating:

Rich people: Buy it.
Middle class people: Worth $12-$15.
Poor people: Borrow it from the library.

Sangfroid

Blood cold.

56A: Panana Canal engineer (?)

I need an erudite crossword puzzle partner. Today's puzzle in the Washington Post is a typical example of how I do:

15A: Norwegian saint (4): Um...
16A: Model Macpherson: Elle!
31A: Leb. neighbor (3): Um...
32A: Popeye's nemesis: Bruno!

It's not the case that some of the answers are "on the tip of the tongue" or ready to surface in a blaze of neurological activity once I find out the first letter starts with "T". I just don't know who engineered the Panama Canal. I never knew it. And even if I check the answer key tomorrow, I will only know it for the few seconds before the Bo and Luke Duke brain cells drive up in the General Lee brain cell and fire arrows into its chassy.

That's why I need someone familiar with geography and foreign cultures but not the name of the actor who plays Legolas. A tenacious tag-team that tears through 22 Across (mayor of Tijuana) and the five-letter name for the turtle in Super Mario Bros. A team that can burst through the "where shy flowers stand by at dances (4)" that stops your average fan of crossword puzzles.

Or maybe I should just bug my friends. Anyone know a five-letter word for "Arboreal mammal?"

(Word quiz: What's another name or object longer than "Panama Canal" that alternates between consonants and vowels?)

So That's Where the Insurgents are Getting the Potato Guns From

Why is one of Saddam's top aides, and the man most wanted in Iraq besides Hussein, Irish?

Hodgepodge

"But the marketing wizards apparently saw him as a man willing to sell his soul. They asked him to incorporate a character of theirs called Robotman. Robotman's licensing was already under way, they told him, and if there was a place for their character in Watterson's strip, then there was a place for Watterson at United Features."

From an article on Bill Watterson, the reclusive creator of "Calvin and Hobbes."

In the "Two Towers Special Edition DVD," one of the new scenes occurs right before Gandalf frees Theoden from Saruman's spell. The wizard points his staff at Theodoen and says, "Time for an extreme makeover, bitch."

My birthday was yesterday. The actual day was a dud, but the days leading up to it were great. A few friends took me to a Russian restaurant and I had a great time with my family, despite their continued attempts to quash my budding career in photography. Michele's description on what people think of the photos on the web site: "He tricks them into coming with the comedy and then springs the photos on them."

Zombie Needs

Brains!

Tonight on Leno

I watched Leno for a few minutes tonight. A woman from Sea World was on with a brigade of furry, cute animals. One of them looked like a cross between a raccoon and a koala. This isn't a word-for-word transcript of what Jay said, but it's very close:

LENO [animal crawling of his shoulder]: "Now, I noticed they have very soft fur. Is that why they're endangered, because of their fur?"
WOMAN "Actually, it's because they only live in the forests in Madagascar, and 90 percent of their habitat has been destroyed."
LENO: "Do they make good house pets?"
WOMAN: [stunned pause] "Um, no. They're an endangered animal. There are only 1,000 of them left."

Here Comes the Sun

Doo doo doo doo...

Top 10 images of the sun. They are amazing.

Coincidence

A few posts ago, I asked if anyone knew what this is. In the comments, Sammy included a link to an unrelated comic. The ad on the page? This.

I Love You Too, Jjhleftbbuutbb

I got some unexpected good news today. A young vixen, Jjhleftbbuutbb (French?), wants to go out with me. We've never met, but I think she is attracted to the sly underscore in my email address. John Dvorak says it's like a feather in a pimp's cap.

Jjh-Lo loves camping, 4-wheelers, rollerblading, swimming, BBQs, road trips, Cedar Point, etc. My heart skipped when I read her words. I love road trips in my 4-wheelers to Cedar Point. And who knows what etc. means? I hope it means "buying my boyfriend video games and having a sexy, gay brother."

The downside is that she seem a little desperate. "If i match somthing [sic] you want just come and talk [sic] to me on the site." (lovinggoneright.com). And she's "ALWAYS laughing/smiling" which, if you think about it, would get creepy real fast. Especially at funerals.

Joe Millionaire 2

A story on Joe Millionaire 2's low ratings led me to the show's message boards, where tens of people analyzed the shocking ending:

(courtesy of JOHNNYF10)
It was amazing how happy David was when the butler gave him his own house.

He is a simple man, a cowboy who just want's to be left alone on his ranch.

But he really wanted a girlfriend because, as much as he loves his horse and dog, he could not develop a deep enough relationship with them to find happiness.

Now he has Linda to ride on the horse with him.

It's like a fairytale.

The end.

Does anyone know what this is?

I found it on a mountain yesterday. It's an inch tall.

A Joke for Obsessive Compulsive Mini Page Readers

Q: What's cooler than being cool?
A: Ice cold!

Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright.

About the lack of comedy recently

It's due to a mix of motivation and being busier than usual. I've spent most of my creative energies the past several days on a small freelance assignment. I'll tell you what it is once it gets approved.

Yes, that's a ton of lettuce

* One of the Washington Post's most loved and hated columnists is Leving. (I have a few friends who are now crying with joy.)

* Howard Kurtz's response to my question in his chat today:

Arlington, Va.: I disagree with your analysis on the Weekly Standard story about the supposed bin Laden-Hussein connection. I think the real reason this story hasn't got much attention is because Bush, Cheney, Rice and Rumsfeld, who in the past have willingly sighted specious evidence to support various claims on Iraq, haven't said: "See? This proves our case."

That's an important mark of whether a story like this has any meat in it (and it's one that doesn't require journalists to do extensive analysis of the info in the memo and risk getting fooled again). If there was new information in this story that could be supported after a rigorous analysis, wouldn't the Bush administration seize upon it, especially considering they've promoted flimsier evidence in the past? Has any major Republican leader, or non-partisan leader of the intelligence community, supported the claims of this story?

Howard Kurtz: In fact, the Defense Department disputed the notion that there was new and conclusive evidence here. But it's certainly worthy of media debate. This was, after all, a previously undisclosed administration memo on a controversial subject to which the press has devoted acres of type during the whole Saddam/9-11/uranium/WMD/terrorism debate. As I mentioned in today's column, the NYT and WP did come around to doing more substantive analyses of the memo obtained by the Standard.

Opus Returns

The first of Berkeley Breathed's "Opus" appears this Sunday. His chat today with the Washington Post is great.

This is one of the best Tom the Dancing Bugs ever. Yeah, you have to watch an ad to read it. Suck it up.

"Leaders of the al Qaeda terrorist network have franchised their organization's brand of synchronized, devastating violence to homegrown terrorist groups across the world, posing a formidable new challenge to counterterrorism forces, according to intelligence analysts and experts in the United States, Europe and the Arab world."

Great. Now they're McQaeda. Who's their new leader, the Hamburgler?

The Two Best Mark Trails Ever

1 and 2

The Massachusetts Ruling

From a Washington Post online chat today with Renee Landers, president of the Boston Bar Association:

"washingtonpost.com: Renee Landers, thank you for being with us today. Please explain what comes next now that the Massachusetts Supreme Court has ruled against the state ban on same-sex marriage.

Renee Landers: The Supreme Judicial Court's opinion essentially gives the legislature 180 days to enact amendments to Massachusetts statutes that would give effect to the court's opinion, that is, to recognize marriage in order to eliminate discriminations that attach to couples who are not permitted to marry. If the legislature does not enact appropriate amendments to the statutes within that time period, the Superior Court(the state trial court) would have the ability to enter an order implementing the SJC opinion. After 180 days, as a result of either legislative action or an order by the Superior Court, marriage licenses should begin to be granted to same-sex couples.

Another possibility would be for the legislature to begin the lengthy process for amending the state constitution to overrule the court's opinion. The process for amending the constitution calls for two successive legislatures to vote favorably on an amendment and for that amendment to be submitted to the voters after the legislative action is completed. At a minimum, this process takes 3 years. The earliest such an amendment could appear on the state ballot would be November 2006."

***
She gives a good summary of the ruling's effects. From what I understand, gay marriage will be legally recognized in Massachusetts within 180 days, either by the legislature's hand or the courts'. Making Massachusetts the first state to do so.

Massachusetts court rules ban on gay marriage unconstitutional

In its ruling, the Massachusetts court said the state "failed to identify any constitutionally adequate reason for denying civil marriage to same-sex couples."

Attention all evangelical preachers: you cannot stop the gay cabal. First, we're going to gain the right to marry one another. Then, we're going to marry multiple partners--

Oh, you already did that? Well, um...I know! Ooh, this is good. We're going to have babies. Lots of babies. Surrogate mothers, artificial insemination--any way we can. Then, with each cute, innocent male baby, we're going to grab the baby's penis and chop off--

What? God damn it. Okay, this one will make your skin crawl. We'll say all these platitudes about wanting to honor each other and having our relationships legally recognized. But the minute gay people get the right to marry, one out of four of us--nay, one out of two--are going to get divorced, dealing a crushing blow to the shaky institution of--

Jesus H. Christ. What do we have to do, marry dogs?

"Why Do Pants Fall Down?" and Other Great Hits

Those crazy Swedes. They've written a program that converts what you type into a song. The program maps each word to a sound clip of the word being sung by a musician and stitches the clips together.

Photos

Old Town Alexandria is a haven for the aesthetically-minded. If you start at the Freemason Temple and head east on King Street, you will pass a series of rustic storefronts, antique shops, and end up at the The Torpedo Factory by the waterfront, where you can watch sculptors and painters work at their craft as you browse their wares.

I visited Old Town today to take some pictures. The results are here. I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a photographer because I don't deal with frustration and guilt very well. This one antique shop had an array of glass compasses scattered on a wooden chessboard. Stumbling upon it was like searching for kiwi and strawberries and finding a fruit salad. The owner already arranged the pieces and lit them well. I ask the manger if I could take a few photos, and he said no. Same with most of the places in the Torpedo Factory. I need to find out if my camera has a tie-lens attachment.

The guilt came from trying to take photos of people. I feel like I'm invading people's privacy when I take photos of them. Before taking photos of a musician playing a cello, I gave him a dollar and still felt I was doing something wrong, like exploiting him for my own gain. After a few photos, he glanced at me, neither happy or angry, but it made me feel self-conscious enough to stop.

I wish I could freeze time, snap my photos and run away with the subject never knowing. Portrait photography is a world I want to explore, but I'm too uncomfortable to dive in.

Washington Post Headlines

D.C. Liquor Fight Enters New Round
Rounsh four! [ding]

America's Great Big Challenge
How do we become most best again?

Redskins' Smoot Is Suddenly Quiet
Smoot Mute?

China Improves Image in Asia
"Tienanmen Square" renamed "Cuddly Teddy Bear"

Long John Ashcroft Harpoons Greenpeace, Trains Parrot To Say 'First Amendment Sucks. Braack!' "

"Passed 131 years ago, Code 18, Statute 2779 was written to prevent organizations such as boarding houses from “sailor mongering” — which involved boarding ships before they had moorage, often using alcohol or prostitutes to lure the crewmen ashore, leaving the vessel unattended."

That's the law he's using to prosecute Greenpeace. You know, maybe if Greenpeace ditched the poorly-lettered signs and actually used booze and hookers, they'd have more success. Story here.

Two things

1. This week's The Onion is quite funny.

2. Flowers.

There's Going To Be a Lot More Men Coming Out of the Closet Soon

This is why I love Google. The Department of Defense recently put a notice on its web site requesting volunteers for their local draft boards. I shit you not. Ignored by the major press, the page has been making the rounds around the web and has understandably created some consternation. (Salon has a good piece of this.) Enough of a consternation, it seems, that the DoD removed the page from its site. Oops! File Not Found!

That is, unless you search for the page in Google's cache.

If you would like to apply for your local draft board, visit here. I already applied. If you're between 18 and 25, let me know. I'll put in a few good words for you.

Those words will be "DERANGED FLAT-FOOTED LUNATIC."

Senator Franken?

I would prefer he move to California and challenge Dennis Miller, but I guess Minnesota will do.

Hmm

"It's one thing, in July, to say, 'I like that guy. He's really tough on Bush,' " Edwards said. "Well, they're not electing a president in July. Come January and February, they're looking for a leader."

I found myself agreeing with much of what John Edwards says in this interview with The Washington Post.

The Expectations Raised By Hollywood Squares

I turned on the TV; up came The Family Feud. I was about to change the channel when the contestants caught my eye. "Is that Whoopi Goldberg? And Jim Carey?" A graphic flashed by: "Celebrity Family Feud." A block-shaped older man with large sunglasses, a few strands of hair greased back and a wolfish grin stood next to Jim Carey. "Oh my god…Jack Nicholson is on the Family Feud!"

I couldn't believe my luck. What was Jack Nicholson doing on the Family Feud? Barbara Streisand, I can understand. The guy that looks like Tim Allen, I can understand. The…wait. Looks like Tim Allen?

In a harbinger of the future of intelligent television, the graphic reappeared: "Celebrity Look-Alike Family Feud." Carey's tooth was colored black. Tim Allen's skin was pale like a pearl. The women were a sea of fake diamonds with real breasts.

Except the Jack impersonator. He still looked like Jack.

***

My suggestion for the next Family Feud gimmick: "Celebrity Look-Alive Family Feud." Zombies dress up as their favorite celebrities.

HOST: "Twenty seconds on the clock. Time will begin when I finish reading the question. 'The part women find most attractive in men."
ZOMBIE GEORGE W. BUSH: "BRAAAIN!"
HOST: "Most common item purchased at the supermarket."
ZOMBIE GEORGE W. BUSH: "FRESH BRAAAIN!"
HOST: "The age at which AUGGH! [Zombie Bush bites into forehead of host. The opposing team, Zombie Jackson Five, moonwalk their way to the plump floor director.]

Not Keen on Dean?

As Howard Dean's candidacy surges, some Democrats who haven't placed orders for their Dean "Rebel With a Cause!" shirts fret that he will win the party nomination. They fear he is unelectable.

Dean may be unelectable. I don't have the political acumen to sense if he's George McCarthy or Paul McCartney. Or Ringo. But there are a few lessons from the last election we may be ignoring:

1. The Gore campaign was salivating to run against Bush and fearful McCain would win the Republican nomination, much in the same way the Bush campaign is praying to Jesus that Dean gets the nomination and slipping Satan a few grand to ensure Clark doesn't. There may be a similar failing of convention wisdom with Dean.

2. One reason Bush was elected is because he isn't Clinton. In the eyes of a Republican, Bush lost 3.3 million jobs in the past three years: blow jobs, hand jobs… I think voter disgust with how Clinton acted in the White House is why Bush is there now. And if Bush is kicked out, it won't be because the improving economy is still worse off than when he took office. It will be because middle-ground voters will perceive that Bush has unforgivable failings, even one or two, that the opposing candidate doesn't have. What makes possible Bush matchups hard to predict is that no one knows for sure which of Bush's failings will resonate with voters, if any (war in Iraq?), and thus which candidate will best match up against him.

My point is that convention wisdom holds up sometimes, and sometimes it doesn't, and this is one of those times that it may fall flat on its face. I personally think Dean is the least electable of the major contenders, but he's beaten expectations enough times to weaken my doubt in him.

James Brown is the Godfather of...?

I stumbled upon a "Last 100 questions asked" page of a natural language search engine. A smattering:

* who is kane (followed a few questions later by) "who is kane the wrestler"
* What primary colors do you mix to make orange?
* (A funny question about porn there's no way I'm repeating)
* why does a cow produce white milk
* WHAT WORDS END IN GRY?
* Is Richard Stallman a dirty Gnu hippy ?
* Which president made the swivel chair?
* How can I determine the sex of my baby?
* Who invented the paper clip?
* What are some different sexual positions we can try?

TGIM

I've been unemployed so long that it has made it difficult for me to relate to people.

FRIEND: "You know how alive you feel after a few cups of coffee on Monday, but as the week goes on, stress crawls over your brain and leeches the color out of your soul. Work attaches a leash to your mind, limiting where it strays. Geniality shrivels to forced smiles, the voices of your coworkers dance around your head like harpies, and by Friday, a voice you stopped listening to on Wednesday begs: "Please. Please. I want to go home."
ME: "No. I'm already home."
FRIEND: "...Do you want to see the They Might Be Giants this weekend? Tickets are only $35."
ME: "Jackass."

Can Someone Buy Me One of These for Christmas?

Link from #!usr/bin/grl.

I Like To Read!

It's been months since I've read an intellectually challenging book. That's why I borrowed Nobel prize-winner Gabriel Garcia Marquez's "Love in the Time of Cholera" from the library. It's an amazing book, which I'll start right after I finish reading Jeff Smith's "Bone: The Great Cow Race." And the new Sandman book by Neil Gaiman. After avoiding the book gym for several months, I can't jump back in pressing 450. Especially since my membership to the analogy gym expired last February.

My goal is to undertake a diet of successively complex picture books, move on to "The Early History of Comic Books," work out with some Dave Barry, kick it up to Steve Martin, followed by Norton's Anthology of Science Fiction, Norton's Anthology of Science Fiction for Adults, at which point my brain will be as absorbent and flexible as a pizza crust kneaded by Stephen Hawking ("WHEELCHAIR: FORWARD. WHEELCHAIR: BACK. WHEELCHAIR: FORWARD...") and ready to take on the pus-filled pleasures of "Love in the Time of Cholera."

Zinger!

Tom Toles cartoon.

Shee Shee Lemon

Did anyone catch The Simpsons a few weeks ago? Very weird. (more clips here).

The AC

I've been feeling sluggish recently. There's little ventilation in my room, and the heat has been making me feel--

IT'S FRIGGING NOVEMBER! WHY IS IT 75 DEGREES IN NOVEMBER? I DON'T CARE IF YOU CAN GO SWIMMING OUTSIDE, SOMETHING IS WRONG. WE'RE ABOUT TO DIE OF GLOBAL WARMING AND THE SCIENTISTS ARE LETTING US ENJOY THE WEATHER. WE NEED TO ACT, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, FIRE MISSILES AT MALAYASIA. THEY'LL NEVER EXPECT IT.

--a bit odd.

Matrix Revolutions

(no spoilers, but skip it if you want to avoid hearing what critics are saying about the movie)

Is there something unique to the post-Baby Boomer generation that drives us to lower our expectations to avoid being disappointed? I'm generalizing, maybe a lot, but I find myself feeling some gratitude to movie reviews that tank one of the three to four movies I look forward to each year.

"The Matrix Revolutions sucks."
-- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

That's one of the harshest reviews, but the new Matrix movie is getting panned by most critics. But after the letdown, I was glad I read the reviews. I sought them out. Because I'm still going to see the movie, and the Wachowski brothers are going to have to pull the "It was all a dream" end to crush my enjoyment of the series.

On the surface, lowering one's expectations is a win-win situation. If it's bad, you're not as disappointed. If it's good, you're pleasantly surprised. But what, if anything, is lost?

Rock the Vote Quotes

Alternate Title: Why I Love Al Sharpton
2nd Alternate Title: Al Warms-Up For Hosting Saturday Night Live

COOPER: Changing the subject a little bit, Governor Dean, I know you took a year off after college, spent a little time skiing. Is that something you would recommend for college graduates?

DEAN: When I was 20 years old, I was a junior in a college in New Haven, Connecticut. And I was totally turned off politics. I thought that the President of the United States was a crook, which turned out to be right. It was Richard Nixon.

[...]

(The moderator earlier joked that some young adults watching the debate would drink a shot every time one of them repeated a catch phrase.)

COOPER: Reverend Sharpton, A CNN-USA Today-Gallup poll just last week showed that young people, 18 to 29, are actually more conservative than their parents. And, actually, 61 or 62 percent of them said they agree with the job George Bush is doing.

What are the Democrats doing wrong?

SHARPTON: Well, I think that first of all, a lot of young people don't understand what George Bush is doing. And a lot of them have been confused because a lot of the Democrats have played this game of trying to be Republican-like.

I say that we've been...

(APPLAUSE)

I think that we've had too many elephants running around in donkey jackets that are not real Democrats. When we stand up...

COOPER: By the way, I think someone's drinking right now, because I think I heard that before.

(LAUGHTER)

SHARPTON: Well, while they're gulping, let me give you another two lines. Anyway...

[...]

QUESTION: My question is for Reverend Sharpton, though I'd love to hear from the other candidates as well.

My question is this. What's the first thing going through your head the morning you wake up in the White House?

SHARPTON: Well, I think the first thing going through my head would be to make sure that Bush has all of his stuff out.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SHARPTON: And that we changed the locks on the door, so none of his crowd can come back.

[...]

And finally:

QUESTION: You guys seem to get to know each other fairly well. I'd be curious to find out, if you could pick one of your fellow candidates to party with, which you would choose. But keeping in mind, partying isn't just, you know, who do you think can shake their groove thing.

(LAUGHTER)

I mean, we're talking, who's going to be loyal to you? Who is going to stand by your side? If you get sick, who's going to hold your hair back?

(LAUGHTER)

QUESTION: Second of all...

(APPLAUSE)

There's more. There's more to it. Who's going to be a team player, you know, if you--imagine if you were single again. If you see a cutie across the room...

(LAUGHTER)

...who's going to be your wing man? Who's going to take one for the team?

COOPER: Senator Lieberman?

LIEBERMAN: I hope my wife understands this. I'd like to party with the young lady who asked that question.

(LAUGHTER)

You're good.

COOPER: Reverend Sharpton?

SHARPTON: I hope mine understands it. Probably the best person I've met to campaign, to party with--Mrs. Kerry. I'm sorry.

(APPLAUSE)

KERRY: I was going to choose Carol Moseley Braun, but now I'm going to have to choose you so I can keep an eye on my wife.

Contest Winner / Photo

The winner of the latest "Name the Song" contest is Ralph with "Dr. Dre Rolls Through Smurf Village." I'll upload the song and a few others soon.

Here is a photo I was going to put on the Austerely-Titled Photos page, until I opened that page in Dreamweaver and was reminded of my amateurish attempt to make my amateurish photos pop up in a professional-looking window. Let us ignore the question of why I can type "javascript window popup tutorial" much easier here than in Google.

Monkeys Terrorize India Workers, Tourists

You can never go wrong with a monkey story.

Last post

Well, that's it.

It was around 6:00 this morning, when I already started to get tired, that I realized this was a really, really dumb idea. Trying to write comedy for 24 hours straight is something I cannot do. The last all-new post I wrote was at 3:00 p.m. It was also around then that this exercise started becoming laborious, almost to the point where I was dreading having to post.

It's hard to complain though as this exercise was of my own volition. I can't say I'm glad I did this, or would do it again, but I do thank you all for reading. And, also, one last thing:

I really doubt that I'm going to post tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Looking up a word in a dictionary for people who stutter

"Does potatoes have three p's or for?"

My creative faculties fizzled out hours ago. My last six posts have been patched together from the arms and limbs of previous pieces scattered on my hard drive. It's been fun reading my old writing and seeing what parts of it hold up. For many of the pieces I had forgotten I had wrote them.

In fact, this is the last half-decent one I could find on my hard drive. I'm not sure it's funny, but it's the closest I've got right now.

Fun Games To Play in Stores

Home Depot
YOU: Excuse me. Do you have a boss smasher?
EMPLOYEE: A what?
YOU: A boss smasher. You know, metal head, wooden handle, good for smashing things.
EMPLOYEE: You mean a hammer?
YOU: Yeah, that'll do.

Giant
YOU: Do you have any rotten produce?
GROCER: We don’t carry rotten produce in this store.
YOU: [very glum] Oh.

Safeway
YOU: Can you hand me a tomato?
GROCER: Here you go.
[Put tomato in pants.]
YOU: Can you hand me another tomato?
[repeat]

I Added Something New to the Site

It's relatively easy to find.

Partying Tired of Being Forced in Parentheses

At a press conference yesterday, the partying part of Kiss’s "I Want To Rock and Roll All Night (and Party Every Day)" complained about its subordinate status.

"Don’t get me wrong," said the currently parenthetical expression. "I realize the importance of rock and roll as much as anyone else. Partying could not exist without rock and roll. But like the bee and the flower, rock and roll would have no reason to exist without partying. It is a symbiotic relationship warped by derogatory semantics."

Rock and roll, a long-time friend of partying, was lukewarm to the proposal. "Dude. Like, I don’t know. I mean, like, I’m first, you know? Dude."

Partying, known for its planning and organizational abilities, offered several solutions:

* Change song title to "I Wish to Party and Rock and Roll All Day and Night, Together in Harmony."
* Print partying and rock part on top of each other, hire Tibetan monks who can read both parts simultaneously as DJs.
* During prime partying season (summer), use "I Want to Party All Day (and Rock and Roll All Night). Winter, rock and rock part first. Wrestle for rights to spring and fall.

Oops

I just realized I managed to screw this joke up two ways:

"The 2003 Pancake City Halloween Blog-A-Thon Spectacular with Rockets and Jelly Beans will take place from Wednesday 12:00 a.m. EST to Thursday 2:59 a.m. MST."

My intent was to state the 11:59 p.m. EST finish time for a different time zone, so it's still 24 hours but doesn't look that way. Funny, huh? But one, I miscalculated the difference between MST and EST--it's two hours, not three--and two, I went in the wrong direction. Two o'clock EST is twelve o'clock MST, not the other way around as I originally thought.

In other words, this incident is an excellent example of why you should sell your soul to me, not Satan. Do you think Satan would let you get off a few hours early for a boo-boo? No way. He's Satan. Making people work longer is what he, and by proxy, managers do.

Lab Rat for Hire

(from an unfinished essay I started months ago)

In "Pretty Woman," Julia Roberts plays a hooker who tells Richard Gere she has one restriction: "No kissing." Everyone has their "no kissing." Mine is being injected with radiated dye.

Which is a choice that, during a brief stint as a lab rat for hire (Have Vein, Will Travel), I came across often. The higher pay for these studies reminded me not of a great opportunity but hazard pay, and that's where I had to draw a courageous line: no radiation or radiation-related products, including "radiated cookies" and "Dr. Spock’s Radiated Fun Time Machine."

Radiated dye inspired a gruesome fantasy of Al Sharpton protesting outside the hospital I’m incapacitated in, shouting, "If the dye is harmless, why is he armless?" and "This is a nation, not a radiation." I have eaten more than my share of Twinkies as a child. Enough is enough.

Halloween Costume Ideas

Costume Ideas for Halloween

Halloween is more than candy. It's a chance to ignore the social norms that normally govern our lives. To push the boundaries of taste and acceptability further than you can push them the other 364 days a year. In short, if you're dressing up as a ghost or a pirate, you're wasting your one chance to be an oyster that can pop pearls out of places pearls usually don't pop.

And that place is a Nerf gun. But if a pearl-popping oyster isn't your idea of a good time (freak), one of these costumes is sure to do the trick.

Reverse Santa Claus--Don a blue Santa Claus costume. When you enter the room, say "Oh, oh oh!" and take gifts, like candlesticks, jewelry, and wallets. When people express reservations about what you're doing, wink at them and says, "Oh oh oh! Would there be a twinkle in my eye if I were really stealing these items? Oh oh oh!" Then flee to Mexico.

SpongeBox--Based on the Nickelodeon cartoon "SpongeBob," the SpongeBox costume is sure to delight both children and adults. SpongeBox is an old man in a cardboard box giving himself sponge baths.

"Bitch"--You know that really annoying person in your life who complains about everything, criticizes your looks, and tries to sleep with your boyfriend? Convince her to dress up as a witch. Then follow her around with a megaphone and yell, "Look, it's a bitch!"

Jiggolow--Dress as a Chippendale's dancer. When people ask, "Are you a gigolo?" respond, "No, I'm a jigg-o-low--cause the jiggling's down low!" Then drop a hamster down your pants.

That Guy--You know that guy who was, like, in Short Circuit, and then he starred in that baby movie with those two other guys? Dress like him.

Popeye the Siamese Sailor Man--Get a friend. One of you is dressed as a sailor. The other just likes spinach.

The Great Beardini--Three weeks before Halloween, stop shaving. Don a black veil. On Halloween, remove your veil and say, "Ta da!"

Magic Breasts Woman--Construct a pair of fake breasts that can be controlled remotely. When a man ogles your chest, slowly move your breasts together until they pass each other and switch positions. Then get a friend to slap the guy on the back, permanently making him cross-eyed.

T-Shirto--Wear dozens of T-shirts over your body: legs, arms, torso, and naughty bits. Don a red cap, or a garbage bag if you're going ghetto. When people ask you what you are, say "I am T-Shirtoooo!" If they ask what your super powers are, say "I am T-Shirtoooo!" Repeat until they go away. (Note: This is currently my top idea for a Halloween costume.)

Hey, Everybody But Chad

This SASS'N BOP song needs a name. *Best title wins. Default title: Peacocky Peayocky.

* I have no idea what best means for this contest.

From the WP String Theory Discussion

I was trying to get a Pancake City online store (through CafePress) up by 4:00, but I'm too brain dead to come up with good ideas. My two ideas so far are this (which has probably been done before) and a shirt that says "Preachers Like To Thump It."

This question in the chat made me laugh:

Normal, Ill.: Why do the strings, the fundamental elements of matter and energy, vibrate in the first place? Does something induce an outside force which makes them them vibrate, or do they will themselves into vibration, because I want to know how to make myself vibrate.

Jim Gates: Hi,

The short answer to this question is that the laws of
quantum theory demand that superstrings vibrate. So
it is not necessary for any outside agency to "cause"
the vibration.

A Poem About Stuttering

I want to take a break from the comedy for a moment. It's silly to do a fundraiser for the National Stuttering Association and barely write about the topic.

I wrote a poem about stuttering called "Stuttering Sucks." I thought it would be a good to share my voice instead of hide behind the written word this time. As you can tell from the reading, it's an emotional topic for me. I don't expect anyone to be touched by the poem, but I hope you enjoy it.

Move Over, Stephen Glass

I am very tempted to start posting old Dave Barry columns, making them my own, of course, by replacing instances of "booger" with "monkey."

Or maybe I'll just start stealing his links.

A Letter to Juicy Juice

Suspiciously, as if they know their scam is up, the Juicy Juice web site stopped working when I went to email them this letter. I'll send it later and let you know if they respond.

Hodgepodge

It has been a long time since I have had to write on deadline. If this were a job, I'd be fired by now. "Walther! Where's the Pinsky report?" "I'm working on it. But in the meantime, check out this web page about handlebar mustaches."

* Thank god this is for sale.

* I need an average amount of sleep. Average amount for babies.

* I'm not one of those writers who blames his readers when his don't laugh at my jokes. I put the blame squarely on where it belongs: God. That fucking asshole.

* If you stutter on tv, and say a curse word, at what point do the censors bleep you out? "F-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-dge! Gotcha!"

* A trailer for a war movie started with "Armed only with their courage..." These movie soldiers may be brave, but they're also incredibly stupid. Take a gun with you the next time you go to war, dumb ass.

Washington Post Headlines

Jurors See Toga Party Tape
Guil-ty, guil-ty, guil-ty!

Edwards's Quest for Fire
"I will bring them fire," says toga-clad Edwards. "And they will bring me love."

Sharpton: Dean's Agenda 'Anti-Black'
Anti-black part cited: beating Sharpton for nomination.

Bay Group Urges Controls on Nutrients
Boy group urges controls on heartbreak.

Democrats Shake Booty at D.C. Club
Democrats shake booty...oh, they already said that.

Calif. Fires May Lead to Tree Bill
"Not on my watch," says fire chief; tree bill protected by 100-foot trench, encased in fire-resistant dome.

Microsoft to Settle Antitrust Lawsuits
Headline Appears Every Month

Outburst From Sun Headed For Earth
"And another thing, I'm sick and tired of you turning your back on me…"

Editorial: Fire Damage
Frankenstein: "Fire damage baaaad."

This Was Going To Be an Extra Post, But It Took Too Long To Write. Plus, I Had To Go To The Bathroom. And I Didn't Capitalize 'an.' Should I Have?

I feel like I'm in the Army, catching quick naps as the Humvee barrels into enemy territory, but always ready to jump up at full alert and ready to start making monkey jokes.

I may have mentioned this before, but there is what should be an awesome series on string theory currently showing on NOVA. The series is based on Brian Greene's book "The Elegant Universe." Based on his writing style, I'm expecting the series to be similar in approach to the one Robert Crow-something-or-other did for ABC a few years back. The Washington Post chat today on the series will have more information for those interested.

I like to hide related links in my posts, but I'm putting this one in the open because it's too good to miss.

Show schedule: The series is showing in WETA 26 (D.C. area) on Tuesdays at 8:00 and Saturdays at 1:00.

<---

(Note: I think this referred to a new column I put up on the old design of my site)

My Lame Kids in the Hall Joke

On the telephone

License Plate

If you like the letter 'r', would it be better to get a 'I LIKE R' license plate or 'RRRRRRR'?

If you're a pirate...

Misleading Misleading

I was surprised to find out that Grape Juicy Juice is not 100% grape juice. In fact, it's not even close. The company added just enough grape juice to die the mixture purple.

This is Wrong. If you buy a bottle of grape juice, you would expect it to be a mixture of grape juice and water, right? So when you buy a bottle of Grape Juicy Juice, a name that advertises, right on the bottle, more juiciness than your regular 100% grape juice, they're raising the bar. That bar is at 19'6", and Sven Gzevoltz isn't going to pole vault to the gold on Gatorade.

At the absolute minimum, one would expect 100% grape juice, at that merely ordinary 100% would only be justifiable if this unfermented wine were made up of powerful Schwarzenegger atoms that gave it a richer, more powerful flavor than competing juice. One could even reasonably expect super-saturated juice, like 150% or 200% juice, as if the Schwarzenegger atoms got drunk and made the water molecules flee to escape their repeated fondling.

Yet this "Juicy" Juice, or as I'll call it in a letter to their customer service office, "Purple Urine Acid," falls so short of its name that the juice mocks it.

Mental Stability Update

This doesn't count as one of the posts. I just want to mention that I almost poured my contact lenses down the drain.

Six hours and still going strong!

More Handlebar Hilarity

Welcome to the Handlebar Club.

Plus, wouldn't it be great if Al Franken won this contest?

On Tonight's No Spin Zone

It's Bill O'Reilly versus Fake Mustache Bill O'Reilly.

O'REILLY: "I'm right, you're wrong!"
FAKE MUSTACHE O'REILLY: "I have a fake mustache!"

O'REILLY: "I won 15 Peabodys!"
FAKE MUSTACHE O'REILLY: "You can't ignore my mustache! It is virile and manly, like a bull."

Tonight at 10:00.

(I can honestly say I have never spent that much time deciding how big to make a mustache.)

Perhaps He Changed It for Show Business

If you blog in the middle of the night and no one is up to read it, does your keyboard make a sound?

While searching for an image for the last post, I came across a man with--and I say this with no exaggeration--one of the coolest names ever.

Photo Caption

This probably wasn't worth the time to create, but here it is.

It's Funny Because It's True

Ha!

(I'm already having to draw from the well. I had another post in mind, but I'm still looking for a photo it needs.)

H-H-Hello

I haven't signed up for the national Do Not Call list. And I never will. Because I like telemarketers.

As a person who stutters, telemarketers are free speech practice.

TELEMARKETER: "Is Mr. Poarch there?"
ME: "No. But I am!"
TELEMARKETER: "This is Tim from MCI. Do you spend over--"
ME: "Tim, that's wonderful. Let's talk about sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shovels."
TELEMARKETER: "What?"
ME: "Sh-sh-sh-shovels. Sh-sh-shovels. Shhhhhovels. Hey! Shovels!"
TELEMARKETER: "I don't understand."
ME: 'And you don't have to. Because I want to talk about how much I'm willing to pay per month for MCI's "Sir Call-a-Lot" phone plan: t-t-t-t-t-t-t-twenty t-t-two dollars."
TELEMARKETER: "We don't offer any plans that low."
ME: "I'm willing to go up to t-t-t-t-twenty three."

Good morning!

It is only now, on the dawn of what may be a glorious 24-hour writing and snack-binging session, a time that will test the limits of human endurance and creativity, a time that will ask me to draw on parts of my soul unspoken to in years, that I have to be immodest and say this:

I am a fucking dumb-ass.

(The alternate page title: The Pancake City Blog-A-Thon Spectacular...Spectacular Like an Old Woman's Breasts. Go ahead. Try not clicking on the link.)

Goodnight

I'll see you in four hours. By "you," I mean "everyone who will be up at midnight and visiting the site," which is "no one."

I'm planning on posting something special at 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. Please take into account that special is relative to a normal post on this site.

DAMN YOU, PAAAAAPER!

There are some rumors that the winner paper clipped his way to the championship, but I don't buy them. Word on the circuit is that Kruger plays fair and square.

Ana Casas Broda

I'm not sure what to say about this photo journal, except that it's worth taking fifteen minutes out of your day to explore.

The Blog-A-Thon is on!

The 2003 Pancake City Halloween Blog-A-Thon Spectacular with Rockets and Jelly Beans will take place from Wednesday 12:00 a.m. EST to Thursday 2:59 a.m. MST. I'd like to thank Andrew for his donation of 50 cents per post, $1 if it makes him laugh, and Chad for his unspecificed donation, but I'm guessing it's a slice of bacon for each post, and he'll drain the fat if it makes him laugh. The money will be donated to the NSA.

Do you remember the "Whacking Day" episode of The Simpsons where Mayor Quimby emerges from his limo with some pre-whacked snakes? Well, I'm going to have some pre-whacked posts and use one if I ever find myself writing "I'm still up!" and about to press the publish button.

Google, You Roolgle

I finally got tired of typing Google's site address and downloaded their toolbar . It's awesome. Something as simple as a popup blocker makes a big difference. It also has a "PageRank" icon that shows "Google's measure on the importance of this page" out of a scale of 10, which is a horrible, horrible thing for neurotic people who can't help comparing themselves to others.

EBay Auction

I'm not sure if it's real or a very clever scam, but either way, it's funny. He's selling his ex-wife's Beanie Babies. Link from LYD.

When You're There, You're There

Missing Missouri Convicts Found in Prison

After beating a fellow inmate to death, two already convicted murderers in a Missouri prison hid for several days in a false wall near a worksite.

What were they afraid of? That they'd go to prison? That they're parole would be moved from never to really never? Comedians, if you're doing a set tonight, jump on the lamwagon. Shecky is in the house, and this time he doesn't need a writer.

News Headlines

...

Wolfowitz Unhurt in Baghdad Attack
"Physically unhurt," sniffs Wolfowitz.

No Nuclear Threat Found in Iraq
Not found in Pope's house: matza balls, 'So You've Decided to Become Circumcised' pamphlet.

U.S. Contracts Lift Economy
"Hey, Atlas," says contracts. "Could you hold this for a second while we tie our shoes?"

Pleasantly Perfect Wins Breeders' Cup
'Always Perfect' dives into window of hamburger factory.

Cordless Team, Mouse and Keyboard
Mouse attacked by tiger.

The Best Kind of Corporate Handouts
Thirty seconds in the money machine.

Egyptian Twins Look Each Other in the Eye for the First Time
Ahmed, Mohammed: "Never again will people joke, 'You have something stuck on your head.' "

The Lowdown on Downloads
Satan makes editor consider 'The Lowdown of DownLOWds.' Mini-Satan wins.

Study: Toddlers' Diets Too Fatty
I wish Satan would have won the battle of this headline versus "Fat-ass Toddlers Too Fat-ass."

The reject:

Cordless Team, Mouse and Keyboard
Mouse chokes Starsky, Keyboard bashes Hutch

Makes Your Mouth, um, Fresh?

What were the first toothpaste slogans like?

Crest: "We'll make your teeth fall out less slowly."

Colgate: "It's not really paste."

AquaFresh: "The second stripe is coming!"

Aunt Dotty's Home Care: "The extra rum will make your bleeding gums numb."

What did Dennis Miller say about Rush Limbaugh?

Three ways to find this out:

1. Google search, hope you get lucky.

2. Buy Dennis Miller's books, skim through them until you find what you are looking for.

3. Search for 'Dennis Miller Rush Limbaugh" on Amazon.com. Because they made 120,000 of their books fully searchable.

I know I gush sometimes, but this is awesome. It's the equivalent for LexisNexis for books, except you don't have to pay hundreds of dollars to use it. You can find out how many books cite FDR's "You have nothing to fear..." quote or reference Hitler and Ghandi on the same page. Amazon lets you view two pages before and two pages after the reference. If you wanted to go through the trouble, you could read a chapter or two of a book by entering a new search every few pages.

Amazon, you rock. I haven't been this excited about a new search tool in a long time.

Death and Life

Elliott Smith leaves on a down note.

The man who jumped into Niagra Falls, and survived, says he was pushed to do so because of depression. "I honestly thought that it wasn't worth going on. But I can tell you now after hitting the falls I feel that life is worth living," he said.

The only way I'm watching the third Star Wars movie...

...is if George Lucas makes this the theme song.
(Fett's Vette by MC Chris)

Could They Have Called it Something Different?

This Wednesday, October 22 is International Stuttering Awareness Day. Or, as an acronym, "I-SAD."

I'm thinking of doing a 24-hour blogathon next Wednesday (the 29th) to raise money for the National Stuttering Association. I'll write an entry once an hour for 24 hours, or until my throbbing knuckles induce local rigormortis in my knotted fingers. If there's enough interest (5-6 people, a few dollars each?), I'll give it a shot.

(I already know the comment my Mom is going to make: "Why don't you apply for a JOB every hour?")

I hate asking people to donate money because when people ask me to donate, I end up giving money out of guilt for some dumb cause like "Cure for Cancer" or rejecting the person in a slightly mean way, like the time I said, "If I wanted a box of overpriced cookies, I'd go to Fresh Fields, you damn, dirty ape. Hey! Stop crying. I don't care if you're really a Girl Scout. If you don't want to be called an ape, listen to mother and improve your posture."

So if you're interested, leave a comment and share your generosity with the world. But if you are already are aware enough of stuttering or worry about the effect of a 24-hour writing session on my health, please continue reading 99.44% guilt free. I promise not to change my blog name to "[your name] Is Poop."

Unless you pay me.

NPR Smackdown: Gross v. O'Reilly

Terry Gross, host on NPR's Fresh Air, interviewed Al Franken and then Bill O'Reilly a few weeks later. Gross and Al Franken had an informative, entertaining interview. Gross and O'Reilly also had an informative, entertaining interview, especially the informative and entertaining part where O'Reilly tells her to "find another line of work" and walks out on her.

As easy as this would be to chalk up to O'Reilly being thin-skinned, Gross was very tough on him. And here's where FOX News can learn from the liberal press: NPR's ombudsman Jeffrey Dvorkin discusses the listeners' reactions and offers his own opinion where he says that, in the end, the interview was unfair to O'Reilly.

Too Much Time on my Hands

In an attempt to test the bounds of knowledge on the Internet, I tried to find a photo of Hitler eating a baby. I was unsuccessful. But I did find an essay by high school creationists Kimmi and Kerri ("Hitler believes in evolution!") and a photo of Hitler's arms finally having enough and trying to overthrow him via a beatdown.

The Turning Test, yet to be passed by a computer, is often cited as a way to determine if a machine or network has human-like intelligence. I propose a different method: the Hitler-Eating-a-Baby Test. If you can say, "Computer, give me a picture of Hitler eating a baby," and the computer produces one, then it's one smart-ass computer.

Especially if Hitler's eyes are crossed.

Abused Car

I accidentally filled my car with super unleaded gas instead of regular. My car, weaned on a diet of regular its entire life, hungrily lapped it up before I realized my mistake half a tank later. I stopped the pump but felt guilty, like an abusive father who knocks an apple off the table at dinner and it falls into his child's bowl of gruel. "Apples are 59 cents!" he bellows, as he snatches the gruel-dipped apple. "You eat gruel."

Quote Roundup

"I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God, and his was an idol."

"Roses are red, poems are corny, take me to bed, I’m feeling horny."

"So I knock on the door and I say, 'Hi, I'm Courtney Love. I'm leaving the loony bin.' "

"This is the first time we've found anything like this inside a junkyard. Most places will say it's a massage parlor or adult entertainment."

Most links from FARK. Not responsible for time wasted reading articles.

Why Doesn't the Controller Vibrate?

Video game magazine EGM gathered a group of young teens and gave them classic video games to play. The results are hilarious. The kids playing Tetris:

Tim: Which button do I press to make the blocks explode?

EGM: Sorry, they don't explode.

Becky: This is boring. Maybe if it had characters and stuff and different levels, it would be OK. If things blew up or something or—

Sheldon: If there were bombs.

Becky: Yeah, or special bricks. Like, if a yellow brick touched a red brick it would blow up and you'd have to start over.

John: Why haven't I won yet? I've paired up so many of the same color.

EGM: Don't worry about colors.

John: I just lined up six of the same color. Why didn't they blow up?

EGM: Nothing blows up.

(link from LYD, BoingBoing, FARK...)

A Note to Potential Roommates Attending the Open House This Saturday

If you reserve a time but find out you can't make it, that's fine. Really. Maybe you'll pull up to the place and the brick walls will remind you of the time your favorite doll, Moo-Moo, was crushed by one of these rectangular, maroon monsters as a result of a minor earthquake and shoddy masonry. But if you could call and cancel, or slip a note under our door, that would be appreciated.

Speaking of Satire...

Rush Limbaugh on Rush (link from Plastic)

Creationist Science Projects

The line between parody and reality has been blurred. From one of the funniest web pages ever:

Elementary School Level
1st Place: "My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)"
"Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey."

Middle School Level
1st Place: "Life Doesn't Come From Non-Life"
"Patricia Lewis (grade 8) did an experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non-living ingredients of life - carbon (a charcoal briquet), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) - into a sealed glass jar. The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks. (Patricia also prayed to God not to do anything miraculous during the course of the experiment, so as not to disqualify the findings.) No life evolved. This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes."

2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking"

High School Level
Honorable Mention:
"Thermodynamics Of Hell Fire" - Tom Williamson (grade 12)

Every page on this site has a gem. I'll post a few highlights in the next day or so. You might want to check out the site before reading the rest of my comments.

***

This site got me thinking about the difference between reality and satire. The two can be easily blurred. "Governor's wife calls for popping a cap in Britney Spears at gun control rally"--this could have easily been from The Onion. And many articles from The Onion have been mistaken for real news by some people before.

In response to this, most satire makes the fact that it is satire obvious in some way, so people can get the joke. The site is a different kind of satire, one that takes great pains to hide the fact that it is satirical. And it has a different motive than typical satire. Instead of poking fun at something, it tries to trick people into believing that it's true (and, I think, poke fun at the people who don't get it.) I'm not even sure if it qualifies as satire. It's closer to a practical joke than anything else. A very successful joke that, while I'm not sure it was the site's intent, makes more fun of people ready to rush to judgment rather than the creationists themselves.

Roommate Hunt

I am looking for a roommate. The old one got arrested for cocaine trafficking by the DEA last weekend. Or he moved out. I forget. This is the ad for the place. If you find me a roommate, I will give you a cupcake.

My Mom is looking for someone to rent her house in Rockville. Rent is $1650 and it is a five-minute walk from the Rockville Metro. There is also an ad for this place, and that ad can be found here. Just kidding. Here. If you find my Mom a family to rent her house, I will take you out to dinner to The Melting Pot or a similar-quality restaurant.

Keep Your Hand on Your Gun

Now I know why we haven't heard from N'Sync in a while. They're in hiding.

Several months ago, the NRA released a list of organizations, celebrities, and editorial writers that have supported gun control (or "anti-gun") efforts in some way. N'Sync is targeted, although it is unclear if the NRA is targeting the whole group or just the suspiciously named JC (for Jun Control!)

This is old news and I probably wouldn't have mentioned the list even if it wasn't, except that NRA Blacksite, a response to the NRA's list, was created and it has one of the best uses of a background song I've seen on a web site. "Or a gringo like me..."

Conversation With a Telemarketer

TELEMARKETER: "Is Mr. Poarch in?"
ME: "No, he moved out."
TELEMARKETER: "Is Ms. Poarch in?"
ME: "Um, she also moved out. And they took the kid too."
TELEMARKETER: "Thank you. [realizes what I said] Ha ha." [click]

Thanks, Yeats

"The best lack conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity."

-- William Butler Yeats: "The Second Coming" (1921)

Hola Crayola!

As part of Crayola's 100th birthday celebration ("Feeding Milk Chocolate to hungry children for a 100 years"), the company is retiring four colors: Magic Mint, Blizzard Blue, Mulberry and Teal Blue. Crayola will replace the colors with Wizard Wintergreen, Cold Cobalt, Mystery Crayon (M--be-ry), and Scalpy Indian.

Happy Birthday Arin!

Monkey Think, Monkey Do

From The Washington Post:
"Scientists in North Carolina have built a brain implant that lets monkeys control a robotic arm with their thoughts. [...]

"In the new experiments, monkeys with wires running from their brains to a robotic arm were able to use their thoughts to make the arm perform tasks. But before long, the scientists said, they will upgrade the implants so the monkeys can transmit their mental commands to machines wirelessly." [italics mine]

Look. I like monkeys. They're cute and, unlike lazy babies, throw away their own poop. But this is a bad idea. We've been smearing pink mascara on them, pushing them down hills on rollerskates and forcing our simian friends into servitude for capriciously-offered sips of juice for decades now. I don't care how often they smile or hug animal trainers of talk shows: monkeys want revenge. And giving them mental control over a man-crushing robotic arm is two steps away from a horror movie plot and one step away from: "Sorry, Koko. I'm out of bananas. I'll bring some tomorrow. Koko, what are you doing? No, Koko, no! I am your master! I AM YOUR...urlr...ack... [whump]."

Unequal pay makes monkeys go ape

In addition to the hilarious photo + caption at the end of the article, this is actually an interesting study.

...

You know how when the third Matrix movie will be released, the final Lord of the Rings movie will come out almost right afterwards? That's how Californians must feel about the Kobe Bryant trial.

That Crazy Hatch

Last July, when Arnold Schwarzenegger was considering whether to run for the California governership, Senator Orrin Hatch proposed an amendment to the U.S. Constitution to allow anyone who has been a U.S. citizen for 20 years to run for President. Senator Kerry countered with his own proposed amendment that any Senator whose last name rhymes with 'patch' is a weenie.

Update: I thought of deleting this post, but I figured I'll just let my dumb-ass comments stay up. I assumed Hatch wanted to rewrite the Constitution just so Schwarzenegger 2008 would be a possibility. Even if this is his motivation, I'm starting to think an amendment like this is a good idea.

At first, I had a xenophobic reaction to the concept of a "foreigner" running the U.S.: "That would threaten the security of the country!" But how? If a secret Soviet agent named Alexi Brusnekv, cryogenically frozen for the past 20 years, runs for President and poisons our water with a mind-control substance that causes us to vote for him? We won't even vote for anyone who isn't a white, male, tall, decent-looking Protestant from an upper class family with a friendly first name. What's Al Queda going to do, send over Akbar Al-Hummas with $1,000, a pack of "Honk If You Love Hummas" bumper stickers, and an application for public financing and instruct him to infiltrate us from the inside?

This issue is more symbolic than anything, but if gathers momentum, I would probably support it. We will get few opportunities as painless as this one to nudge this country closer to the ideals many of us value.

Also, my Mom would make a great President.

(The Washington Post has a good editorial on this issue, which influenced my thinking a lot.)

Sharpton Doesn't Disappoint

The man knows how to deliver a one-liner. From today's democratic presidential candidate debate:

"I think, lastly, the whole notion of our showing our differences is good. But let us not forget that our differences should be toward the aim of winning against Bush.

We are 48 hours away from watching an actor that couldn't win an Oscar winning to be the governor of California."

I read the transcript instead of watching it. Out of the nine candidates, Clark got hammered the most, and his responses in general were more catch phrases than substantive. Sharpton had some interesting things to say, and Kucinich gladly took the role of liberal gadfly. I've heard very little about John Kerry, but he seems knowledgeable about the issues but not academic. Out of the nine candidates, he is the only one who I'm now more interested in after reading the transcript.

(Side note: the spell checker suggested 'juiciness' for Kucinich.)

Cover Letters That Don't Work

I'm kicking myself in the ass and getting back into the job hunt (hence the almost minutely posts in a very successful temp to procrastinate.) I am going through my old cover letters to see if I can salvage pieces for the new ones. Pieces like this, which perhaps explain why I have been unemployed for a year:

If I could change my first name to "Writer", my middle name to "/", and my last name to "Strategist" to prove how committed I will be as a Writer/Strategist at PCI Communications, I would. Unfortunately, the judge denied my request. But I can show you how my experience will help PCI Communications further its award-winning efforts to provide communication strategies and support to its clients.

Those Crazy Yahoo Headlines!

If you saw a headline that said "Pope Leads Havel in Nobel Peace Prize Betting," what would you think? Perhaps it what was I thought: Pope John Paul playing craps with former Czech President Vaclav Havel, with a side bet on who's going to dunk the Nobel.

Update: In your face, Pope!

I Love Geeks

How to make your own Segway.

Guess What's Coming to the Uptown?

Who wants to check out the Dec. 16th screening?

New Section:

<-- "Austerely-Titled Photos"

Random Thoughts

* I never understood how dumb Colin Quinn is until I was watching the first few minutes of Tough Crowd and realized: "Oh my god. This is with cue cards, dress rehearsals, and professional writers." Do you realize that Colin Quinn on Tough Crowd is five levels of dumb above Colin Quinn in real life? How does real-life Colin Quinn put on his pants? Can he open doors? What about jars? I've seen guys with spears stuck in their heads that are smarter than him. If Colin Quinn entered a debate with a man with half a brain lobe and a two-foot javelin sticking out of his head, I'd bet on the javelin guy and toss a horseshoe at his head for good luck.

* I meant that to be a lot shorter. I'm surprised at how angry I got. I haven't felt like that since Ann Landers was alive.

* Democrats want to beat Bush so desperately that they'll support anyone who they think can beat Bush, including Jeb Bush and Anheuser-Busch.

* I'm tired of waiting for a majority of Americans to push aside their bigotry and support gay marriage. Here's my compromise: gays get 10%. We get five out of the 50 states in America, selected at random from a giant bingo ball after next year's NBA draft. Straight people can still live in those states, but gay marriage and related rights gets automatically approved, with no way to repeal it. The other 45 states can throw all the stones they want.

* Cats hate dogs.

Mind Trek

I watched an awesome episode of "Star Trek: TNG" where Riker jumps back and forth from the Enterprise and an alien mental hospital. He can't tell which world is real and slowly goes insane.

Afterwards, I flipped to the Yankees/Red Sox game to check the store. At this point, I was half-drunk on wine. As the announcers were talking, a graphic of the U.S. from the Weather Channel appeared. The announcers kept talking, not mentioning the graphic, and it disappeared after a few seconds.

I got very scared for a few moments.

A bit later, the graphic came back up and one of the commentators said "Anyone watching this in a bar with the sound off is going to be confused." I inferred that beforehand they were talking about the possibility of the game being rained out.

I don't have any strong opinions about pot, but this is one time I was very grateful that I don't smoke it.

No, it's not a Joke...

...in spite of this spotlighted bit of wisdom on the parent site's main page: "Jobs are created when the economy grows; the economy grows when Americans have more money to spend and invest." President George W. Bush

(okay, I added the underline).

It's nicely designed though.

Carlone: 'No Idea' if Associates Will be Found

Crime family godfather Tony Carlone said yesterday that he has "no idea" whether mob members who knocked off a key government informant will be identified.

"I don't know if we're going to find out that person," Carlone said between puffs of a cigar. "This is a large family. With a lot of friends. You see? I don't have any idea."

Carlone said he is eager to discover the identity of those who stuffed CIA operative Mike Pontz into the trunk of an '87 Chevy and shoved the car into the Potomac river last July. Carlone said that "everything we know, our friends the cops will find out," but told reporters: "I have no idea whether we'll find out who the person is -- partially because, not to toot our own horn or nothing, we do a good job of protecting our family."

Carlone mob members faced a deadline of 5 p.m. yesterday to present to D.C.'s District Attorney any documents that could be related to the D.A.'s criminal investigation. A Carlone spokesman said family lawyers will sort through the documents to determine which ones to hand over to the D.A. The Carlone family must turn over all information by Oct. 17, with intermediate deadlines before then.

At a press conference, family spokesman Sniffles Nantello repeated his categorical denial that three prominent Carlone family members -- Carlone's senior adviser Charlie "Magic" Rovello, older brother Richie Carlone's bodyguard Louie "Lucky" Libbotini and public safety official Eddie "Legs" Soprano -- had committed the crime or had knowledge of the crime.

"I wish we could help you guys out," said Nantello. "But we just don't have a good way of getting information from people."

(the original article)

Curse ye, HTML

As you can see, one of the entries in my list of referrers (a.k.a. "search engines + bordering-on-stalking Cyanotic Copy") is stretching the table column like the belly of a skinny man after a dinner at the 80s-themed restaurant Gut Busters ("Who ya gonna call...when your belly's past your balls?") Does anyone know a way to make text wrap in tables? Currently, I'm setting the table width as a percentage instead by a fixed amount, and I would like to keep it this way if possible.

Find the Typo!

One of the next five headlines has a typo in it. The first person who finds it gets absolutely nothing. The second person gets anything he or she wants. Under $1. And for you mofos too lazy to pick up your free crap from my townhouse, shipping counts against the limit.

Third person gets to form a PAC to influence Congress to run the second person out of business.

Schwarzenegger Speech

In the heated week before the California recall election, Schwarzenegger has had to deal with allegations that he groped women and spoke admiringly of Adolf Hitler's speaking style. Here is an excerpt from a speech he made at a campaign rally this Monday:

[wild cheering]… "Thank you. Thank you. Now, you may have heard some things in the press, some allegations [boos]-- about my past. About who I am. [boos grow louder] Now, I don't know who's saying these things. What's that? You think it's booooostamente? Ha ha ha!

But I will address these things. I have nothing to hide. Have I made mistakes? Yes. I made "Twins." It was a bad movie. But I learn from my mistakes. I saw the script for "Triplets" and I stomped on it. "This is not a good script!" I yelled. "I do not want Robin Williams to play my testicle." And there's another bad script out there. Being read by a failed politician. The title: "I am a Patsy Governor who is About to be Terminated!"

Am I perfect? No. When I was young, I did things that I now realize are wrong. Yes, I grabbed ass. I am not proud of it. But Gray Davis has grabbed your money out of your pocketbooks. And if you keep your pocketbooks in your back pocket, he probably grabbed your ass too. But that is one thing I will not grab. Even if you shake it in front of me. [aside to audience member: "Stop jiggling!"]

Gray Davis had five years in office. What did he do? Tax, tax, tax. And spend, spend, spend. I will not tax, tax, tax, and I will not spend, spend, spend. Will I tax? Yes. Will I spend? Yes. But will I tax, tax? No! Will I spend, and spend some more, like a crazy rapper Sir Spend-a-Lot? No. Never.

"But Arnold," some people say, "What if a meteor is heading for California and we need to build a rocket to destroy it? Will you tax, tax then?" No! I will tell you what I will do: I will punch it! And when I punch it, it will run away to its meteor mommy and daddy, and cry like a little girl, who I thought was legal [laughs] and then no more crazy meteors will bug us again!

There is another allegation. One that so sickens me, I will not even repeat it. But I will say this. I have never had a little mustache! Or a big mustache. Or a beard. Why? Because I am not a lumberjack, even in the movies. And I have nothing to hide.

[wild cheering]

MSN

MSN Search -- More Useful Everyday. Each day, it becomes more useful, until January 21, 2005, when it nears infinite usefulness, collapsing onto itself and sparking a quantum singularity that rips a hole in the space-time continuum and sucks every planet, star, teddy bear, serial killer, emu, argument, ex-lover, and your little puppy too in the diameter of a straw. And as our tendons snap from our bones, and the last thoughts of man flee like flies, perhaps a few will rest their minds on the suddenly wry humor in Microsoft's other slogan:

Where Are You Going Today?

The New Joe Millionaire

For the next "Joe Millionaire," FOX gathered a bevy of European ladies and told them an American cowboy with an $80 million oil fortune is looking for a wife with broken English, but not a broken heart.

"Ha, ha!" us viewers will say. Because we heard the rest on the promo and know that he really makes only $11,000 a year.

FOX, did you really have to make him that poor? Is this likely to happen?

COWBOY: "I have something to tell you. I'm not really a multimillionaire."
WOMAN: "It cannot be!"
COWBOY: "I'm a night manager at 7-11. I make $34,000 a year."
WOMAN: [crying] "This is horrible. How could you lie...oh, $34,000? That's fine. I thought you were going to say you make under $20 K."
COWBOY: [laughs] "Not as long as people throw away their aluminum cans!"

Schwarzenegger's New Name

"The Gropinator" (from Howard Kurtz's Media Notes column)

"I will be back...for the second breast."

"All these pills are enough to kill an elephant--never mind a man."

This story sounds like a grain of truth wrapped in a tumbleweed of B.S., but the quotes in it are hilarious:

Rush Limbaugh in pill probe

Ahh. Kicking a man while he's down.

Now that I think of it, "grain of truth wrapped in a tumbleweed of B.S" is a pretty good description of Rush.

Right in the balls!

The Link is Mine, Potter

I found this cool preview of the next Harry Potter book all by myself. Alan Rickman sure is hot as a puppet!

Schadenfreude Comes in the Fall

Is it just me, or have the past few months been a good time to be a liberal?

* Franken lays the smackdown on the right.

* BEST BUY CUSTOMER: "Mr. Bush? Um, about the three-year extended service plan for Iraq..."

* Hollywood spy movies fuel public anger about scandal--only bad guys rat out their country's agents.

And Rush Limbaugh makes an ass out of himself again. While talking about sports.

In the arena where "They were hungrier today" rivals Nietzsche, Limbaugh somehow found a way to say something stupid. His comments about African-American NFL quarterback Donavan McNabb:

"I don't think he's been that good from the get-go. I think what we've had here is a little social concern in the NFL. I think the media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well. They're interested in black coaches and black quarterbacks doing well. I think there's a little hope invested in McNabb and he got a lot of credit for the performance of his team that he really didn't deserve. The defense carried this team."

I italicized those sentences to break Limbaugh's remarks into two sections. The first gives us a glimpse of his attitudes on race, which is consistent with statements he made before (see the article for some good examples). Some people, including a few presidential candidates, are calling for Rush to be fired based on his remarks in this section.

I'm calling on Rush to be fired based on the non-italicized section. Anyone who thinks Donovan McNabb is carried by his team is an idiot and doesn't deserve amplification equipment. McNabb is having a crappy year so far, but he's also a three-time Pro Bowl quarterback who led the Eagles to the NFC championship game in the last two seasons. I haven't seen him this season, but in the past, his ability to scramble with the ball forced most teams to dedicate a defensive player to keep an eye on him. In the seasons that the Eagles weren't doing well, McNabb was one of the few things they had going for him.

I wonder what's going in the mind of a fan fond of both the Philadelphia Eagles and Rush?

FAN: "McNabb good. Rush good. Rush say McNabb bad. McNabb say Rush bad. McNabb pass for 312 yards in one game. Rush pass gas. Ummm..."

Update: Rush resigned. Huh. That was fast. Damn you, liberal media! You already made my post outdated.