Historical Figures Updated for the 21st Century

Abe Link'in: This web site avatar will connect the myriad places on the web with his steadfast leadership and eloquent RSS summaries, before being shot down by a pop-up ad for Viagra.

George Washington Truth Serum: "I cannot tell a lie"...and neither will those stinking terrorists be able to either when they're injected with 500mg of G. W. Truth Serum. Claim you're a legal citizen just trying to run a struggling ethnic restaurant? We'll see what you have to say after having a talk with our founding father. Warning: may cause irreparable nerve and brain damage.

FDR: Franklin Delanor Roosevelt has a "New Deal" for you: insanely low prices on the 2008 Mazda Miatas and hundreds of other of the latest models. You won't be able to get up either once you sit in the new 2008 Toyota Prius. What? The already use Presidents to to sell cars? Jeez. What fucking assholes.

Guess Which Presidency?

"We are here plunged in politics funnier than words can express. Very great issues are involved...But the amusing thing is that no one talks about real interests. By common consent they agree to let these alone. We are afraid to discuss them. Instead of this the press is engaged in a most amusing dispute whether Mr. Cleveland has an illegitimate child and did or did not live with more than one mistress."

--Henry Adams, 19th century political commentator, quoted in A People's History of the United States (pg 258).

Mr. Edison

“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls, and it looks like work.”
- Thomas Edison

Okay, Edison is probably right. But after reading this quote, I had an insatiable desire to reanimate his corpse just so I could punch him.

EDISON: “Wha…what? Those lights? I’m alive. Is this the future?”
ME: “Yes it is, Mr. Edison.”
EDISON: “Hmm. By the appearance of your dirty overalls, it seems that you are a farmer, young man.”
ME: “No, granddad. I’m opportunity. And I’ve come to pay you another visit. POW!”
EDISON: “Ouch! Dear heavens, why did you do that?”
ME: “We got a little saying in Opportunity Town. It’s called, “The Early Bird Gets The Fist In The Face.” BA-BAM!
EDISON: “Oh, my! Everything is growing dark.”
ME: “Sounds like you need 100 watts of fist.” [EDISON slumps down on ground. I pull out a cigar and light it by striking it across my face.]
ME: “Edison. You’re Edi-DONE.” [laugh uproariously until credits roll.]

I need counseling.

The Future

According to my stereotypical view of the 50s, one of the anticipated devices the wondrous future would bring would be pills that contain whole meals. Was food really that bad back then? There must have been a lot of chefs with hurt feelings when the scientists announced that one. And along the same lines, although teachers today are underpaid and even more under-appreciated, at least no one is suggesting we replace them with robots. In fact, if I were a superintendent of a school system, I would carry around a poster of the robot in Forbidden Planet and tap it with my ruler every time a teacher complains about her pay or the students. Those fleshpods will get the message.