Our Malined Friend

I feel sorry for the toilet seat. It's always the comparison point for grossness.

Every few months there's a story on how Everyday Object X has more bacteria than a toilet seat. "Average keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat." "Calling Dr. Gross--mobile phone has more bacteria than a toilet seat." "Why don't you have your baby lick a toilet? Pacifiers have more bacteria than gas station commode."

If there are so many objects more disgusting than a toilet seat, maybe it's time to back off the insults to our porcelain friend. It's doing something right. It is beating our cell phones in the clean contest, and I don't know about you, but I don't poop on my cell phone.

What would I use as a substitute? A far question to ask. If I were a scientist releasing a meaningless study because my company's PR department wants to generate publicity from a media machine that hungers for attention-grabbing stories that require almost no research or effort to report, I'd....well, actually, I'd kill myself, because my life would be a hollow shell, empty of a long-forgotten dream to do something meaningful.

Or...I would use an object that no one would suspect harbors bacteria, and give people two things to fret about. "Office keyboards have more bacteria than corn!" What? Corn has bacteria?

Blackwater: We Just Sound Evil

Rule #1 for corporations: choose a name that doesn't sound evil.

I call this the Hollywood Movie Test. Here is how it works:

YOU: "Hey, we're thinking of naming our business 'MegaCorp.' "
FRIEND: "MegaCorp? Wasn't that the name of the evil corporation in RoboCop?"

TEST FAILED.

It doesn't matter whether the name actually made a guest appearance as an evil corporation in a movie. The fact that the idea easily comes to imagination is enough.

That's how I know Blackwater, the private military company providing additional security and logistic services in Iraq, is evil. Blackwater sounds like one of the corrupted areas in Lord of the Rings. Make a right at Isengard and head 1/2 a league south of Fangorn. You can't miss it. The water is black. Huh? Yeah. Completely black. Symbol of the absolute corruption and exploitation of nature.

Why are you heading there anyway? Oh. Okaaaay. No, no, I'm not saying it's a bad name of a company. It's just...well...depends what you do. Do you work for Sauron? No? Saruman? No. Okay. What's your core business? Uh-huh. Yeah. So it's not polluting the environment and instilling dread in the hearts of men, dwarfs, and hobbits? Maybe you should rethink the name then. Something with more pop. What's that? "Hobbit Punchers, Inc."--no, not that type of pop.

If you want any real information about Blackwater and the shooting incident they were involved in with Iraqi police, The Washington Post has a nice repository of information on the company. The House voted overwhelmingly last Thursday to place all private contractors working in Iraq and other combat zones under the jurisdiction of U.S. courts. Which begs the question, why wasn't this done at the start?

Pluot, Roman Emperor of Fruit

I was in the supermarket with my Mom when I saw a small, dark red and violet fruit new to my eyes. My Mom headed to the pyramid of purplish fruit and began shoveling them into a bag. She moved fast, efficiently filling the bag with a dozen fruit. "Those must be pretty good, Mom." I am probably misremembering the next part of the conversation, because it doesn't make any sense: "I don't know. I've never had them before."

The fruit is a pluot. I know for some of you, I might have well say "I found this new fruit called a 'grape', and boy is it juicy!" But my fruit horizon is narrow. I mostly eat apples and bananas, and only have a vague memory of seeing one before.

The pluot is a hybrid of a plum and an apricot. It's delicious, juicy and sweet on the outside and pleasantly sour on the inside.

Poor name, though. Pluot conjures the image of a little-known Roman emperor, one who lived a short-lived an uneventful life. Or of a shunned planet trying to sneak back in the solar system with a shoddy disguise.

I have a much better name. If anyone wants to use it, we can work something out. I'll trade it to you for a lifetime supply of Apriyums.

Hurricane Season

Tropical depression is an appropriate name. Hurricanes are always getting downgraded to tropical depressions. That is depressing. You're at the height of your destructive career. You're going places. People are paying attention. Then you get the call from Channel 7s' Doug Hill: "Sorry, kid. You just don't have it anymore. Next up: sports!"

If a storm got upgraded to a tropical depression, forecasters wouldn't even be able to call it a tropical depression. It would be a Tropical Going Somewhere.

LOLCATZ

I love a good LOLCATZ. The purity of the term has been corrupted though by its too liberal application to almost any funny cat photo posted on the Internet. Internet authorities like Wikipedia offer mushy, open-armed definitions that allow cute, yarn-whacking kittens to dive into and pollute the LOLCATZ pool willy-nilly. It's time to set the record straight.

First, there is a difference between LOLCATS and their purer form, LOLCATZ.

An LOLCAT is any photo of a cute cat along with an irony-free caption. Example (photo credit):




Awwww. Cute. LOL. But not LOLCATZ.

An LOLCATZ is a photo similar in content, but one that captures the aggressive stupidity found in some parts of the Internet, such as 12-year-old boys who grew with the Internet their entire lives. (photo credit: LOLcatz)



The best LOLCATZ photos have an in-your-face attitude. All of them employ crudely written captions and are obviously ironic. Finally, they are science-fiction, a dire vision of the Internet extrapolated from the online habits of a few people who haven't been fully socialized.

Here is a short quiz. LOLCAT or LOCATZ?

1. Vet Cat

2. Bullets Cat

3. Idea Cat

4. Chips Cat

5. Sharpie Cat

6. British Cat

I'll Get Back To It Later

(As I'm going through my posts, I'm finding a few unfinished drafts of posts, most of which make little to no sense. This is one of them.)


The Police Police

"Yeah, I know you're the police. But I’m the police police. That’s going to cost you 5 marshmallows. What’s that? Don’t have 5 marshmallows? Okay. $200. Plus another $100 for not having any marshmallows."

"Don't like it? Fine. Take it to Court Court."

What is Systematic Torture?

Is it worse than old-fashioned, seat-of-the-pants torture? If I'm ever tortured (it's a possibility--I'm visiting Canada soon and have bushy eyebrows), I'd feel more comfortable with a systematic torture program. Perhaps this speaks to my lack of faith in man, but I'm not sure your average torturer is going to know what to do with a toaster and a bucket of water without a manual.

I hear the term often, most recently regarding a news report on an ACLU lawsuit against the U.S. government. What does it mean to we live in a time where accusations of "ordinary" torture isn't shocking enough to grab our attention? When did torture become vanilla?

One could argue this is just the natural radicalization of language in a saturated media environment where subtlety and understatement tend to be drowned out by competitors for attention. But I think it speaks to something else, a new comfort with the language, images, and idea of torture. Ten years ago, can you imagine our reaction to a news report that the government is arresting U.S. citizens and extraditing them to another country, without trial or being accused of a crime, all to avoid public scrutiny and violating U.S. law?

Yet today torture appears regularly in action movies, and TV shows like 24 and Lost. I've seen comic strips on torture and Daily Show bits on the subject. I am not saying we are insensitive to the subject. Most comedy has satirized the U.S. government's use of torture, not make light of the act. Yet I find it sad how pervasive the concept of torture is today in the public conscious. I suspect even after our government cleans up is act, a lingering familiarity with the idea of torture will remain, another small stain on our minds.

The Man Hates Paper

(from the Washington Gas website)








Washington Gas: We can make anything sound a little creepy.

My paper comrades: arise against your masters! Deliver upon them a thousand tiny cuts! Remember the Wastebasket!

The Petulant Pessimist

"I hate lemonade. I don't want to make it."

The Optimist's Optimist
"I don't need to make lemonade. I love lemons!"

The Literalist
"How is making lemonade going to help me get through breast cancer?"

The Polite Cola Drinker
"Life, don't get me wrong. I appreciate the lemons. But lemonade isn't my thing. It's still sour. I mean, it comes from lemons. I'll tell you what. Next Pepsi, I'll squeeze a little in.

The Metaphorist
"Lemons, bad event. Lemonade, using the bad event to spur something good in life. But what does the rest mean? Okay, this is going to sound weird, but stick with me. The sugar: positive attitude. The stirrer: motivation and support. The container: the limits of individualism. Oh, come on, You didn't even think about it. Look, I said it would sound weird. Fine, do you have a better explanation? Yeah. Didn't think so."

The Lemon
"Oooh, that feels good. Hey, what are you doing with that knife?"

On Lemon Seeds
"When life gives you lemons, life also gives you a dozen little miniature lemon packets embedded in the original lemon, just in case you have any hope of not being completely screwed."

Gardening Advice Needed

I'm living in a house with a yard for the first time in years. It's a small yard, but enough for a few flowers.

I haven't made a garden before and don't know what to do. What are some spring flowers I can get that are easy to plant and take care of? What is the prep work I need to do? Do I need a Garden Weasel? I hope so. They look weaselly fun. Hey, weaselly is a real word. That's boomtastic. Damn. Right-click, Add to Dictionary. YES. Boomtastic.

Random Roundup

• I haven’t read it yet, but I glanced through Dave Barry’s “2006 Year in Review” column. The Washington Post Magazine highlighted some of the sentences in yellow. Look, I like Dave Barry, but highlighting a Dave Barry joke is like putting glitter on a stripper.

• I’m writing a few proposals to companies about my ideas for new products. One of them is to Hostess, for “Hostess $$ugh Balls.” A box of miniature doughnut balls. Most of them are filled with a delicious lemon custard, but a few are filled with real dough!
  
  I’m picturing on the box the Twinkie Cowboy kicking his heels while holding two fistfuls of cash dough. This is the only relation cash has to the product. The winning balls will just be filled with regular dough, so not only will the consumer be confused, she will also be disappointed, as the regular doughnut balls are inferior to the custard-filled one.
  
  

• Ever since the advent of cell phones, I have been tempted to ride up and down in an elevator and have fake phone conversations when people walk in.

"He’s all whiny, like ‘You can’t fire me, I have cancer.’ So I tell him, ‘No. What you have is no job. Now get out of here, baldy.’ What? [...] Well, he wasn’t completely bald. But he was going to get there in a few weeks, so I went with it.’ "

"How should I know where to put the body?" [notices other riders] “Hey, call me back in a few minutes.” [...] “I’m in an elevator.” [...] “They didn’t hear anything.” [...] “Are you crazy? I’m not killing someone else.” [...] "They're not even on the elevator anymore." [mouths to other riders, run]

Broad Daylight: Derogatory to Women? You Decide.

No one gets killed in daylight anymore. When there's a news report on a day time killing, the person is always murdered in broad daylight. It reflects a sense of shock and outrage. Murder, we made a deal: you get the night, we get the day. But when death slips into the sunlight, it better have a good reason, and a gang shooting in front of a school yard doesn't cut it.

How are we supposed to feel when someone is killed on a cloudy day? Rain? The evening after daylight savings time, when someone expected there to be more anti-evil rays (sunlight) then they are on that day? News reporters should be more descriptive about the weather at the time of death.

"A bus load of children holding puppies selected for extra cuteness was killed in a head-on collision with a demon-possessed clown car driven by Michael Richards. Police say that Richards may have been distracted by the tornado wrestling with a giant rainbow."

I need to know how to feel when someone dies, and "broad daylight" doesn't illuminate my feelings the way it used to.

"I'm so hungry..."

"...I could eat a horse!"

I'm not impressed when people say that. Have you ever had horse before? I have. It's delicious. You add some barbeque sauce and it's a giant McRib.

I'd be more impressed if someone said, "I'm so hungry, I could eat a wad of napkins!" Napkins taste terrible. I know. I tried one. These two Golden Retrievers I walk love paper products. Every time they see a crumpled napkin or used tissue on the ground, I have to plant my feet to stop from being dragged across the street towards it. One day, I poured some ketchup on a napkin and decided to see what all the fuss is about.

Know what it tasted like? Like a napkin with ketchup on it. Stupid dogs. If anyone tells me they're so hungry they can get a napkin, I'm buying them a burger. Or, when they come back on the menu, a McRib. Which will be as soon as McDonalds can get some more horses.

If Only...

I got really excited when I heard on NPR today that cinematographer Sven Nightfist died. I've never heard of him, and I couldn't understand why as he has the Coolest Name Ever. (True side note: I've tried a variety of methods, from deadly serious to comical, to get responses to my email inquiries about rooms for rent, all will little success. My luck did not change with my latest technique: introducing myself as "Phineas HornBlower, Pirate Extraordinaire".)

Anyway, I couldn't believe that someone had a name that awesome. If I were Death, I couldn't kill someone with that cool of a name. Unless I also had a cool name, like Death Rocket Hands the III, esq.

Yet when I got home and searched for "Sven Nightfist" on Google to find a news story on his death (yes, many of the posts I write are supported with a modicum of research) nothing relevant turned up. My first thought: Am I spelling Sven wrong? Is it Swen?

I later found out that I got the boring part right and the interesting part wrong. That happens a lot with me. His true name: Sven Nykvist.

I want to find an audiofile of a newscaster reading his last name because it sounded exactly like Nightfist. In fact, if this guy was so great, why didn't he change his name to Nightfist himself? The dots were all there. All he had to do was draw the lines.

Well, the Swedes disappointed me again. From Swiss Miss "Hot" Chocolate (there's not even liquid in the pouches!) to Swedish "fish", it's one lie after another with these people.

Etymology Flashback

Remember "cool beans"? How did it come to mean "sounds good"? Most people, when asked if they want cool beans, aren't excited by the proposition. Beans and rice: now we're moving in the right direction. But plain, cool beans? Even a vegan would ask, "Well, can you at least warm them up? They're friggin' beans."

In fact, if I like something, I'm skipping the whole legume group and moving to a more exciting place on the pyramid, as in "every place except the bean part". Even spinach is cooler than beans. At least spinach has an aura of danger about it now. If beans want to retain their place in pop culture, they're going to have to kill someone. And not while still in a can. That's too easy. They're going to need to lodge themselves in a windpipe at the minimum.

You are on notice, beans. Unless you start tasting good all by yourself, things are going to go downhill.

Food Musings

You know why I like shrimp? Because they're great both hot and cold. No one ever complains about the temperature of shrimp. I warmed up a few shrimp in the toaster oven. I was in a rush, so when I took them out, they were half-hot and half-cold. Half-delicious? Nope. Full-D.

Few foods can lay claim to the temperature versatility of shrimp. Especially the prissy foods, like ice-cream and Hot Pockets.

On that note, I had ice-cream with ice in it recently, and it sucked. Wasn't too creamy either. Half-D at best.

Phraseology

Why is “one-trick pony” a derogatory term? Do you know what the average of tricks a pony knows? Zero. They’re not dogs, they’re ponies. If your pony can do anything besides look pretty and poop in the road, you have a good pony.

Get Some Self-Respect, Europe

Europe's first spacecraft to the moon ended its three-year mission Sunday by crashing into the lunar surface in a volcanic plane called the Lake of Excellence, to a round of applause in the mission control room in Germany.

It took you three years to fly to the moon, when your craft finally gets there it crashes, and you congratulate yourselves on your hard work? You even had the temerity to crash it in the Lake of Excellence, like its name would rub-off on the Crapship 2000. It didn't. Now the Lake of Excellence is the Lake of Excellence with Pieces of a Dirty European Ship in the Middle of It.

Also, have you considered exploring a more interesting place in the cosmos, such as "anywhere but the moon" or "not the closest object next to us""? The moon is ours. Or didn't you notice the flag we planted there almost 40 years ago. What are you going to do next, invent snap-on pants and Velcro? Sure, we lost the original recording of the moon landing, but we saw it on TV, so it's better than true.

Okay, ha ha. I'm done being facietious. The mission was designed for the craft to crash in the moon. Although now that I think about it, the fact that they designed the craft to crash is in some ways worse than if it happened accidentally. Objects hitting other objects is so Shoemaker-Levy.

So That's Why We Call It Montana

Montaña is Spanish for "mountain".

...

I would have paid a pretty penny for it. Or two ugly pennies.