It's True Because It Rhymes

Keep kids more alive
Drive 5

Let boys become men
Drive 10

Watch out for that spleen
Drive 15

Cars make slow kids hurt-y
Drive 30

Too fast and they're done
Drive 31

What if you're late?
Drive 48

Hitting kids--nifty?
Drive 50

When drinking makes you tipsy
Drive 60

Save them from the spelling bee
Drive 70

Sail like a pirate, matey
Drive 80

Other Cliches

I don't know the back of my hand very well, but if I did, I'd know you as well as the back of my hand.

There's no place like home. Unless you live in the suburbs. Then every third house is like home.

Time flies when you're throwing clocks at children.

Birds of a feather flock together, especially when they are possessed by the spirits of dogs and are trying to sniff each others' butts.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Even if you could, why would you want to, you fucking sicko?

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Unless it's a bad baby. That'll teach it.

Three is the optimal number of heads to have.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, unless "that bridge" is a metaphor for a bomb under a bridge.

There's no use crying over spilled milk. Unless you're a mutant that cries milk. Then, crying makes sense. A LOT of sense.

Dear Religious Friends

You may want to skip this post...

Inspirational Sayings

* Jesus didn't nail one arm to the cross. He finished the job, and then he came back for more.

* You can give Vishnu a high-five, and then one behind the back, but if you stop there the job is only half done.

* Don't be a Rabbi to new opportunities. Be a RabHello.

I Can't Resist

A suspected serial killer of women in Louisiana was caught today.

Said one of his neighbors who was shocked to find out he was arrested: "He didn't talk about violence," said resident Brenda Jones. "He talked about the Bible a lot. Let me tell you, he knew the Bible."

Signs Your Neighbor Is A Serial Killer
by Brenda Jones
1. Talks about violence. "You know what I'd like to do now? Kill someone." --> SERIAL KILLER!
2. Doesn't talk about the Bible.
EVIL:"Hey, what's up?"
GOOD: "Hey, what's up? Oh wait, I know. It's God."
3. That is it.

Are You Ready?

The Department of Homeland Security today released their terrorism-readiness pamphlet, "Preparing Makes Sense. Get Ready Now." I already called for my copy (1-800-BE-READY | www.ready.gov). If you call, Tom Ridge’s warm, relevant voice will greet you and take you down to a mellow yellow.

The guide covers topics such as:

How To Survive a Nuclear Attack
How To Survive a Dirty Bomb
How To Survive a Well-Groomed Bomb
How To Survive a Biological Attack
How To Survive a Big Mac Attack
Caves: Friend or Foe?
How To Survive Loud Creaks in the Night
Survival Tips For Getting Duct-Tape Gum Off Your Walls
What Will Happen: Hints From Nostradamus
Oh Deer: Deciding To Stay or Go
How To Make a Gas Mask Out of a Coffee Filter, Ziploc Bag, and Roll of Toilet Paper
Moist Towelettes: Your Emergency Lifesaver

Quotes from the pamphlet:

“Terrorism forces us to make a choice. We can be afraid. Or we can be—“
Afraid! Afraid! Boogeyman bad!

“In all Cases, Remain Calm”
Mr. Ridge, my question is this: HOW CAN I REMAIN CALM WITH INCONSISTENT CAPITALIZATION?

Snowstorm Driving Tips from The Washington Post: Real or Fake?

1. If you don’t have to go out, stay inside and off the roads.
2. Be careful when it snows. Snow is slippery.
3. Slow down. Posted speed limits are set for ideal driving conditions.
4. Every time your car skids, God kills a kitten.
5. Leave more room between your car and other vehicles on the road.
6. If you don’t want to flop, go easy on starts, turns and stops.
7. Similar to ‘hydroplaning’ your car can ‘snow-o-plane’. Be careful.
8. Make sure you be careful.
9. It’s important that you be very careful.
10. Run over an old lady. Just kidding! Be careful.

Answers: 1, 3, and 5 are true. 6 is half-true (I added ‘if you don’t want to flop’). 4 is true too, but it isn’t on The Washington Post’s site because they’re atheists. (original link)

Future Mailing List Changes

1. Rename to “Free Lollipop List”.
2. Remove unsubscribe function.
3. Offer unsubscribe function in exchange for two email addresses. Snicker.
4. Remove ability for list members to communicate with each other. (Update: done)
5. Provide reason for being on list?
6. Add entire staff of Washington Post to list. Repeat for newspapers across country foolish enough to communicate with dirty public.
7. Have contests for prizes that don’t exist, like perpetual motion machines. Or love.
8. Go international. Translate best parts of web page into German.
9. If 1-8 don’t work, change name to “Free Lollipop List…Extreme!”