* I never understood how dumb Colin Quinn is until I was watching the first few minutes of Tough Crowd and realized: "Oh my god. This is with cue cards, dress rehearsals, and professional writers." Do you realize that Colin Quinn on Tough Crowd is five levels of dumb above Colin Quinn in real life? How does real-life Colin Quinn put on his pants? Can he open doors? What about jars? I've seen guys with spears stuck in their heads that are smarter than him. If Colin Quinn entered a debate with a man with half a brain lobe and a two-foot javelin sticking out of his head, I'd bet on the javelin guy and toss a horseshoe at his head for good luck.
* I meant that to be a lot shorter. I'm surprised at how angry I got. I haven't felt like that since Ann Landers was alive.
* Democrats want to beat Bush so desperately that they'll support anyone who they think can beat Bush, including Jeb Bush and Anheuser-Busch.
* I'm tired of waiting for a majority of Americans to push aside their bigotry and support gay marriage. Here's my compromise: gays get 10%. We get five out of the 50 states in America, selected at random from a giant bingo ball after next year's NBA draft. Straight people can still live in those states, but gay marriage and related rights gets automatically approved, with no way to repeal it. The other 45 states can throw all the stones they want.
* Cats hate dogs.
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