Brilliant

I've been checking out a gay dating site, manline.com, recently. It has what has to be the gay dating site slogan ever: "Great men from top to bottom."

It's True Because It Rhymes

Keep kids more alive
Drive 5

Let boys become men
Drive 10

Watch out for that spleen
Drive 15

Cars make slow kids hurt-y
Drive 30

Too fast and they're done
Drive 31

What if you're late?
Drive 48

Hitting kids--nifty?
Drive 50

When drinking makes you tipsy
Drive 60

Save them from the spelling bee
Drive 70

Sail like a pirate, matey
Drive 80

Slogan of The Postal Service Mafia

"We know where you live."

Makes Your Mouth, um, Fresh?

What were the first toothpaste slogans like?

Crest: "We'll make your teeth fall out less slowly."

Colgate: "It's not really paste."

AquaFresh: "The second stripe is coming!"

Aunt Dotty's Home Care: "The extra rum will make your bleeding gums numb."

Extended Company Slogans

Enterprise: "We'll pick you up. Unlike your stinking friends."

Arby's: "What are you eating? No, really. What are you eating? We don't have a clue. Meat?"

Budweiser: "True. False. False. True. Statements: Budweiser tastes like horse urine, Budweiser contains no horse urine, Budweiser contains absolutely no horse urine, you're drinking horse urine. "

If you post your own ideas, I'll be happy to steal your slogans and eliminate all traces of your creativity by deleting your comment. I can do that. I have the power.

One reason for the sparse posts lately is that I'm working on a column. It has been more difficult to churn out than I thought it would be. I feel like I'm in college again, distracting myself by web browsing and suddenly urgent tasks like alphabetizing the books on my shelves so it will be easier to find Ray Romano's memoir "Everybody Loves Me" when I need it.

Other Cliches

I don't know the back of my hand very well, but if I did, I'd know you as well as the back of my hand.

There's no place like home. Unless you live in the suburbs. Then every third house is like home.

Time flies when you're throwing clocks at children.

Birds of a feather flock together, especially when they are possessed by the spirits of dogs and are trying to sniff each others' butts.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Even if you could, why would you want to, you fucking sicko?

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. Unless it's a bad baby. That'll teach it.

Three is the optimal number of heads to have.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, unless "that bridge" is a metaphor for a bomb under a bridge.

There's no use crying over spilled milk. Unless you're a mutant that cries milk. Then, crying makes sense. A LOT of sense.

Dear Religious Friends

You may want to skip this post...

Inspirational Sayings

* Jesus didn't nail one arm to the cross. He finished the job, and then he came back for more.

* You can give Vishnu a high-five, and then one behind the back, but if you stop there the job is only half done.

* Don't be a Rabbi to new opportunities. Be a RabHello.

I Wish I Knew

"What Are You Eating Today?" That's Arby's new slogan. Let's see...Double Roast Beast Sandwich...costs 99 cents...I have 50/50 on meat.

For The Beef

(Has it really been six days since I posted? Sheesh.)

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
For the beef?

Slogan of a group of commando McDonalds executives raiding PETA headquarters:
"For the beef!"

Call after a golfer's drive heads wildly off-course over a pasture of cows:
GOLFER: "Fore!"
FARMER PEERING OUT HIS WINDOW: "The beef!"

Thanks KKK!

Equality got some assistance from an unlikely source. A Ku Klux Klan group has asked for a permit to demonstrate in support of Augusta National Golf Club's right to an all-male membership. Augusta granted the permit, but said only male Klan members could protest.

Okay, I made the last sentence up. But when the KKK thinks you’re doing something kool, it’s time to give what you’re doing a second thought. They’re like a morality shorthand. If you don’t have time to analyze the opinions of both sides, filter each opinion for bias, and determine how their arguments mesh with your own concepts of freedom and personal liberty, just see what the KKK thinks about it.

The KKK could even start a business where groups hire the organization to support their opponents.
“KKK Supports War in Iraq”
“KKK Praises New NBC Lineup”
“KKK Loves McDonalds’ Tasty Chicken Sandwich; Vows Never To Eat at Burger King”