Headlines

In Va., Parties Focus on Turnout
Wha...? Political parties try to get people to polls? Virgina winner decided by votes? Ye gods, what happened to tradition of yore: selecting a townsmith based on the plumpness of his grandest goose?

Lawmakers Might Use Clout to Get Hospital Funding
Plan B: Use clot.

Artificial Joint Makers Lobby Hospitals Vigorously
Joint makers shake fists in jarring, stilted fashion.

Writers Str...see ya!
(Original headline: Writer Strike Set for Monday)

Sugar Industry Expands Influence
Sugar to appear in NutraSweet, diabetic ice-cream, salt. You can't stop the sugar. No one can stop the sugar. Except...

"VO: Coming this summer. A sugar industry infiltrated by terrorists. A people addicted and under siege. All hope is lost. Except for one man."

(Visual: A wood door explodes, creating a cloud of dust and debris. Through the cloud steps Christopher Walken, holding a machine gun and weighed down by several ammo belts.)

WALKEN: "I gotta say, the door. I was expecting more of a BOOM than a KA-POW."

VO: "Christopher Walken is...Sweet Justice."

Too Lazy To Do Much Else (Headlines)

Armed men steal four priceless paintings from French museum
They are going to be pissed when they try to sell them. “Are you kidding me? No price?”

Author Says It's Easy, Healthy Building Green
Author: Kermit the Frog.

Oldest Profession Flourishes in China
Someone in the News Control department is getting fired.

Headline: News Headlines All Under One Headline

I tagged all of my headline posts .

Headlines

Man accused in Letterman kidnap plot escapes from prison
Top Ten reasons to improve prison security...

Dinosaurs Died Agonizing Deaths
Yay! The front page of Yahoo has all the kid-friendly articles.

Shuttle Atlantis Chasing Space Station
Hey, have you seen my space wallet? I could of sworn I tethered it to the table. I don't know, nothing. I checked the instruments, Space Station came over to visit, and ....SPACE STATION! YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!

The Battle of the Grills
This is false advertising by The Washington Post. I had every reason to think this article was about rappers.

WP Headlines

Alleged Cyber-Stalker Served With E-Lawsuit
Faces up to 1001 years in E-Jail

Leagues Unite to Battle Drugs
Justice League, Fantastic Four promise to render upon drugs holy mutant justice

No Neutral Ground in War Over Lyme Disease
We can’t even talk about tics without phrasing it as a war? It’s a disease, not a car bomb. “You’re either with us or against us.” Who’s the opposition, Scientologists?

• SCIENTOLOGIST1: “Hey, guys. Want to be against Lyme Disease?”
• SCIENTOLOGIST2: “Why the heck not? Send a memo to Tom, tell him they’re from the planet Lymos, and add it to the pile."
  

Gilmore' Fans Unhappy With Abrupt Ending?
Lovely. Two things I don’t give a shit about in one headline.

Deputy Attorney General Announces Resignation
That's senior official #4. Is anyone left? I envision Gonzalez sitting alone at his desk in a dusty, sunlight room. A squeak echoes through the halls. “Someone there? I’m free if you want to talk. I bought some jelly beans. They’re on my desk. Come on in. Hello?”

Science Headlines

Astronomers Find Distant, Fluffy Planet
Astronomers are just making stuff up now. "Yeah, there's like this planet that's made of cotton candy, but it's really far away, so only we can see it. And the planet likes astronomers a lot and says we're the coolest and he's our best friend so you should stop making fun of us.

Pluto is Now Just a Number: 134340
Why don't we just put Pluto in an internment camp while we're at it, you heartless bastards?

Sad vs. Absurd

Kitten who helped nab phony vet is killed by car

Well, at least the vet didn't kill her.

Headlines

Nevada passes rules to make boxing safer
Rule #1: No boxing.

Trees could grow in Antarctica within century
Finally: hope for the environment. Who says the environment is in trouble now, Al Gore?

Iran Referred to Security Council
Watch out, Iran. Once the motion passes the Secondary Meeting Committee, the First Teritary Committee, and the Head Auxillary Minor Major Committee, the First Pre-Meeting Meeting Committee is going to have a field day on you.

Cyber Security Post Still Unfilled (after a year)
What? It takes less time to find someone to work the fry machine at McDonalds.

Headline...

Bear attack victim loved nature, hated bears, dad says
Okay, I added the "hated bears" part.

This was on the front page of Yahoo. I think they're testing the waters for Summer of the Bear.

Mini-Headlines

Bush to Iraqis: Time to get a government
1. Direct quote: "Git r done!"
2. What a douche bag.

Prosecutors: Moussaoui killed with lies
Did the headline writer have to word this like lyrics from an 80s hair band ballad? "You killed my heart! You killed my cries! You killed it all / With Your Dirty Damn Lies"

Mini-headlines

Bush: U.S. must resist temptation to quit Iraq
Brokeback Mountain reference? The headline writer is having too much fun.

Headlines

U.S. may reduce its defense of Iceland
Yeah, that’s real smart. Play right into the hands of Greenland. WHY DON’T WE JUST GIVE AL-QAEDA THE BOMB WHILE WE’RE AT IT!

Lance Armstrong comforts Dana Reeve's son
Then issues press release about it?

Marijuana again tied to memory problems
Wonder why they forgot their findings the first time.

Icy 'super-Earth' discovered by astronomers
A “super-Earth” wouldn’t be icy. It would be lush and green everywhere except for M&M Forest, and in that place would be all the colors of the rainbow except red, because there’s no cancer on Super Earth.

The first ten feet of the ocean is heated to 68 degrees, and you can see 150 feet to the bottom everywhere, except for Dr. Pepper Sea , which people are NOT allowed to swim in. Also, some of the trees would be ninja trees. And if Super Earth is ever attack by alien invaders, its people will be terribly frightened, at least for the 5 seconds it takes for Super Earth to switch its volcanoes from “Cotton Candy Spewing Mode” to “Instant Death Rocket Firing Mode.”

Headlines

Depression, heart disease often connected
Great. Now I’m more depressed.

Fresh violence kills at least 30 in Iraq
Mmm! Fresh violence. The eggs and bacon for the news media.

Bush confident bin Laden will be captured
I’m glad to see 2001 Bush is back. Dead or alive, beardie! Two-thousand two Bush had me worried (“I truly am not that concerned with him”).

Blog, I Missed You!

I lost track of how long it has been since I updated the blog. The hard part is starting to write. Writing for me is pretty enjoyable after the first few minutes.

News Headlines

Bin Laden vows he won't be caught alive - tape
Apparently, he won’t be caught on video without makeup either.

Federline says he's ready for rapper backlash
Oh, no you’re not. Comedians haven’t been this excited since Vanilla Ice tried to do something besides "Ice, Ice, Baby".

Bin Laden vows he won't be caught listening to Federline’s CD
See?

Planet's Population to Hit 6.5 Billion Saturday
Keep on screwing, people. We have a deadline to meet.

Bush Outlines 'Forward Strategy for Freedom'
Anyone see the problem in that he felt it necessary to include 'forward"? For most presidents, it kind of comes with the word "strategy". They used to be buddies.

France Captured in a Headline

Face Transplant Patient Smokes Again

...

On the cover of a "special" edition of Newsweek:

AMERICA'S HOTTEST COLLEGES!

"Woo hoo! Show your tits, Princeton!"

"It's Colleges Gone Wild. [cue island music] You won't believe what these colleges will do to get your tuition money."

..

One of the headlines at the Washington Post site was "Redskins Interested in Playoffs."

You know what I'm interested in? Winning a million dollars. Doesn't mean it's going to happen.

...

The problem with the headline, "Gamma storm toll in Honduras rises to 32" is that while it's a horrible natural disaster, I can't help thinking of the Fantastic Four.

Man Dies After 49 Hours of Computer Games

The title of this news article should have been "Wimp Dies After 49 Hours of Computer Games". Two straight days of playing computer games is nothing. Before I busted my hemorrhoid dough nut, I could play for a week straight. Napping is for load screens.

Just two...

Pope makes first appearance at window
Yes! Silly Pope headlines are back!

William Bell, creator of TV soaps, dies
Rumor has it his death was faked and he's coming back next season.