Pancake City: Predictor of the Future

It looks like the media is getting a head start.

From the exclusive Pancake City poll:

After the Presidential debate this Thursday, the press will:

interview ten audience members after the debate, and quote the person whose comment can be fitted into the story they wrote the night before.

say: "Both candidates made misstatements and distorted their opponent's position. Hey, did you catch our monkey story?"

Come on, monkey story!

Mystery Quote

"He wants to turn the White House into the Waffle House."

Who said it, to whom, and under what circumstances?

Hodgepodge

Has anyone read "America: The Book" written by Jon Stewart and The Daily Show Writers? Amazom.com has a pretty funny video intro by Stewart on their site.

I've read a fair share of "Questions to Ask the Candidates" articles in reference to tomorrow's Presidential debate. This one is the best by far. The questions are directed to President Bush, so if anyone has a good article with questions Kerry should be asked to recommend, go ahead.

Speaking of which, you may see a few cut-a-ways during the debate of John Kerry scratching his crotch, or George W. Bush waving a pair of flip-flops to the camera and making a jerk-off motion with his hand. Guess who's going to control the camera shots during the debates? No, really. Guess! You'll never guess who it is. Not in a million, bazillion years. Okay, here's a hint:

IT'S FUCKING FOX NEWS.

Meme War 2004

Kerry is a flip flopper vs. Bush lives in his own delusional world. Which one will win?

You cannot enter unless you leave

That is the Zen of Design. And the design of Zen. Embodied by Oprah.com.



Only the crazy squirrel seeks the nut. Ommmmm...

QotD

"If Bin Laden shows up in October, somebody better check him for freezer burn." (source, first comment)

You know, if Bush actually figured out a way to deep freeze someone--and I mean Bush himself, not the administration--if President Bush figured out how to freeze Osama and defrost him so he looks recently alive, I'd vote for him, because that's pretty damn cool.

Maybe the instant popularity Osama bin Laden's capture would bring is why many editorialists are chatting about a soon-to-be-released movie that may change the election: "Weekend at Bernie's 4--All the President's Men".

Synopsis: To secure his re-election, President Bush attempts to reanimate Osama bin Laden, captured and frozen in June 2002. But after announcing the capture to the public, the President hits "cook" instead of "defrost", and Osama's flaming beard becomes only the first of his problems.

Sample scene: Congressional hearing on terrorism.
BUSH: "See? It's him. He's being very stubborn, so don't bother asking questions. If that's all, I'll just..."
JOE BIDEN: "Wait a minute. Osama, why is there duct tape under your arm pit?"
BUSH [falsetto, pulling Osama's mouth with a string]: "Uh...because I like John Kerry?"
Dennis Hastert: "That's him, all right!"

(If you visit the Dennis Hastert link, keep in mind this is the man two degrees from the Presidency in case the President dies in office.)

Anyone remember...

...the last time the terror alert level was green?

At least 9/11 didn't happen in 1952. The calm color would have been white, and it would have escalated several shades of grey up to a dangerous black.

The blue to red color scheme we use is appropriate. One, it is consistent with the scheme for traffic lights, although at red lights most people don't pee in their pants. Two, Democrats come from blue states, and Democrats are pussies about terrorism. They think the world is calm and Osama bin Laden is prancing around the daisy field. "La la la!" sings Osama. "I hope George W. Bush wins. Then John Kerry will hold a bake sale for my next al Qaeda recruitment drive. Dick Cheney said so. I love Kerry's brownies."

Yes, that is what Democrats think. But the third reason the terror alert color scheme is ideal surpasses the first two. It matches the spectrum of the rainbow. The terror alert system, in addition to protecting us from terrorist attacks through its irritating shades of orange and red, is also a gay alert system:

Gay people are A-OK.
Gay people help us dress.
I like the funny gays, but not the ones that have sex.
Dem people are going to destroy marriage like a pink Godzilla on Tokyo!
We need Alan Keyes as President.

The system ties in nicely with the red and blue states, doesn't it?

Presidential Debate Poll

B
e
l
o
w

After the Presidential debate this Thursday, the press will:
cite the lack of a 10-point swing in Kerry's favor the next day as a clear sign his candidacy is doomed.
interview ten audience members after the debate, and quote the person whose comment can be fitted into the story they wrote the night before.
follow a 30 sec. story on the debate with a report on how two monkeys got into a fight in a zoo yesterday and flung poo at each other, wink wink.
embrace the views of post-debate commentators who will use their mind-link with the American public to tell us why the public just doesn't like Kerry.
carefully research and analyze each candidate's claims, and if one candidate distorts the truth more than the other, courageously tell it how it is.
say: "Both candidates made misstatements and distorted their opponent's position. Hey, did you catch our monkey story?"
run stories implying that Kerry deserves to lose because he's not willing to play dirty enough.
run an editorial titled, "Why does John Kerry want to have sex with Osama bin Laden?" (Wash. Times only)
Current results

Fear the Billionaires

Have you ever seen such a scared baby?

You may have heard of Billionaires for Bush, a parody protest group whose members follow the Bush campaign around, dress in ball gowns and suits, and shouts messages like “Thank you, little working people, for paying our taxes.”

As political commentary, it's too witty and roundabout to influence anyone's opinions, but as political comedy the group is hilarious.

They just released a music video with a catchy song and surprisingly professional production values (link from atrios). It's entertaining.

When in trouble, go to the well

The Republican National Committee, best known for their hit single "I Hide My Love From You in My Bunker," is sending out a mailing to Arkansas and West Virginia stating that, if elected, John Kerry will ban the Bible and allow gay marriage.

This type of political rhetoric is shameful. It infuriates me that the official face of the Republican party would stoop to sending out such a bigoted message. To even imply that the Bible would be banned and gay marriage would sweep the nation if Kerry is elected is absolutely ridiculous. At the last gay agenda meeting, we specifically agreed on rewriting the Bible to require its adherents to have gay sex every other Sunday. How can we do that if we ban the Bible?

As Fred Smoot, chairman of the 193^rd district, said in the sewer cavern where we meet: "These people will do anything the Bible tells them too. All we need is to infiltrate a few major printing houses and we got it made."

Religious conservatives bleat about the "gay agenda" and how legally-recognizing a loving relationship will cause the Earth to split open and for Satan to rise up and make us do evil things, like eat candy corn and wake up without hitting the snooze alarm.

But the truth about what we want is much more harder to argue against. Gay people, as the more enlightened of you know, merely want to eat your children and then use their bones to club your unborn babies.

But where is the photo of the zombie gay man feasting on the flesh of the living? Where is the photo of the Kerry campaign worker holding an expectant mother in a head lock while another campaign worker slams a crowbar in her stomach?

I'll tell you where: in mailings to Georgia and South Carolina, not Arkansas and West Virginia, where they belong. Ed Gillespie, chairman of the RNC, should be ashamed of himself for making these types of politics part of the official message of the Republican party.

(if the image is down, here's the gist of the mailer)

BIBLE: BANNED!
HAND HOLDING: ALLOWED!

Argg! Media Make Me Mad!

Candidate X claims that his opponent "steals babies from their mothers, glues the babies to a giant wheel, and charges parents who want to adopt $100,000 to spin the wheel for a chance to win the baby of their dreams. Or a toaster."

Candidate Y claims that while Candidate X was flashing children in a schoolyard, he was wearing a blue overcoat, when, in fact, the overcoat was turquoise.

The news headline? "Candidate X and Candidate Y both play loose with the truth."

My exaggeration aside, read this article and try to tell me that stupidity under the guise of fair-mindedness isn't at play here.

And if John Kerry has said anywhere near the same number of falsehoods about George W. Bush's words, and with anywhere near the same amount of gall, then this reporter failed to do her job by listing those falsehoods.

Postal Project Update

The wonderful USPS label hack you saw weeks ago on Pancake City has been picked up by Boing Boing. Although it is technically a felony, and his new popularity may bring him some unwanted attention by the authorities, you should still watch the short video that my friend, Carlos Guinerra, made at the post office in Jugtown, PA, if you haven't seen it already.

Even in times of turbulent change, one thing always remains true

It is impossible, absolutely impossible, to write a bad monkey story.

Need proof?

Sept. 24, 2004

CIUDAD JUAREZ, Mexico (Reuters) - Monkey pooped. The end.

See?

Undecided?

I love writing about politics and much as I love writing comedy. But I know most people don't visit my page for the third rate-political analysis. They come for the second-rate comedy. (And for those of you who thought that joke was predictable: see "second-rate comedy", "previous sentence")

So I'll get back to the jokes soon. But I have a request to make. Is there anyone registered to vote and undecided on who to vote for (or if to vote at all)? If so, are you open to hearing an argument about why one should vote for Kerry?

I can promise not to hound you, to be shrill, and to back up what I say with evidence. I'll even recommend that you vote for President Bush if your beliefs and values aligns closer with his and are also based in fact (see previous post).

If you're interested, please send me an email at monkey(dot)on(dot)keyboard (at) gmail. Thanks.

This started off has a six-line post

The TNR's Noam Scheiber is exactly right with his post on how John Kerry's new focus on Iraq will change media coverage on the war. Kerry's new line of attack against President Bush in the past week has been the best move his campaign has made so far.

I say this for a few reasons. Read Shneiber's post for the first one. The second reason is that there is a gulf between the assumptions of people who support the war in Iraq and those against it. In short, most people who support the war on Iraq hold the false assumptions that Iraq had ties to 9/11 and al Qaeda. Kerry is finally directly contradicting these assumptions. The details are in this awesome study PIPA did a few weeks ago (summary PDF), but here's what to me is the most important part:

Such beliefs are highly correlated with support for the decision to go to war with Iraq. Among those who believed that Iraq had WMD 81% thought going to war was the right decision, and among those who thought it had a major WMD program 49% believed it was the right decision. Among those who thought that Iraq only had some WMD-related activities only 21% thought war was the right decision, and for those who thought there was no such activity just 8% thought it was the right decision.

Likewise, among those who thought Iraq was directly involved in the 9/11 attacks, 73% thought going to war was the right decision, and among those who thought Iraq was giving al Qaeda substantial support 69% thought this was the right decision. But among those who thought there were only a few contacts between Iraq and al Qaeda, 21% thought war was the right decision; and among those who thought there was no relationship at all, only 16% saw war as the right decision.

(page 9)

As I hope you all know, the 9/11 Commission report stated that Iraq had no WMDs or a major WMD-program. It also concluded that there were no substantial ties between Iraq and al Qaeda.

Furthermore, while a shockingly high number of people still hold these incorrect beliefs, the number has declined a bit since their last survey in March, likely due in part at least to the 9/11 Commission report that came out in July. From PIPA:

The percentage saying that Iraq was giving substantial support to al Qaeda has dropped from 57% in March to 50% today. The percentage saying that Iraq had WMDs or a major WMD program has dropped from 60% to 54%.

None of this guarantees that if people realize their rationales for suporting the war are in error, they will reverse their support of the war, punish President Bush for fostering these views and vote for John Kerry. I mean, who can compete with the powerful logic of "Support our Troops!"? But if the Three Stooges of politics, logic, truth, and rationality, can stop running away from mummies long enough to poke the eyes out of even a few hundred thousand Americans, that alone could shift the election towards John Kerry.

And the Kerry campaign knows this. Check out these passages from a speech Kerry gave only days ago:

His two main rationales—weapons of mass destruction and the Al Qaeda/September 11 connection—have been proved false...by the President's own weapons inspectors...and by the 9/11 Commission. Just last week, Secretary of State Powell acknowledged the facts. Only Vice President Cheney still insists that the earth is flat.

(several paragraphs later) We know Iraq played no part in September 11 and had no operational ties to Al Qaeda.

(And, later) Yet today, President Bush tells us that he would do everything all over again, the same way. How can he possibly be serious? Is he really saying that if we knew there were no imminent threat, no weapons of mass destruction, no ties to Al Qaeda, the United States should have invaded Iraq? My answer is no—because a Commander-in-Chief's first responsibility is to make a wise and responsible decision to keep America safe.

What I love about Kerry's new focus is that not only is it hard-hitting and confrontational, it's backed by the truth. Isn't that strange, a biting political attack that's also true? Yes, his strategy is based on at least 50.1% of the American public having the ability to reason and make decisions based on that reasoning. And that's always a risky strategy. But in a democracy, the leaders are no better than the average intelligence of the people who elect them. We will get what we deserve.

The O'Stewart Factor

I'm stealing Wonkette's title. I can't think of a better one.

Jon Stewart appeared on The O'Reilly Factor recently. The interview is hilarious.

I'll Pass On This One

The pet sitting / dog walking company I work for has a web-accesible database with information on each client's pets, how to care for them, and so on. I found this in the file of a client I was considering pet sitting for:

Feed dogs separately. Annie in basement and Abe by the water. Dogs are friendly and playful. Cats may hide under the bed or chair upstairs. Cat carrier is in basement. If cat is deceased, put in towel and put in fridge.

GLORY & THANKS BE TO GOD!

"He Has Restrained Al Gore & His Minions"

I found this archive page on the 2000 election while looking for an election day countdown site. "Only five days left to pray!"

The rest of the site, focused on the current election, is even better. Perhaps you're interested in investigative reporting. In that case, I suggest you check out, "Will Demons Decide the American Election?" Or maybe you are wondering, "Sure, I know the anti-Christ coup is inspired by demons, but are they coordinating it too?" Only one way to find out! And that's to read "Biblical Commentary on Current Issues". Don't be lazy and pass clicking on this link. Sodomite anarchy isn't going to destroy itself!

Cicero for President?

The dates for the Presidential debates are set. The quote in the second paragraph in this WaPo article made me laugh:

Both sides have already begun portraying the opposing candidate as a tremendous debater, as part of the quadrennial ritual of trying to lower expectations for the nominees' performances. Kerry strategist Joe Lockhart told reporters during a conference call Friday that he would "challenge anyone to name a major debate that George Bush has been in where he hasn't been considered the winner."

Matthew Dowd, the Bush-Cheney campaign's chief strategist, said in an interview earlier this month that Kerry "is very formidable, and probably the best debater ever to run for president." "I'm not joking," Dowd added. "I think he's better than Cicero," the ancient Roman orator. "But I think it'll be a very good thing for the American public to see these two men stand side by side. You can't hide who you are."

My New Friends

I've stopped neurotically checking my server logs long ago, but periodically I'll log in to see if any new "citizens" have "moved" into Pancake City or just "stopped by" on the Pancake City Metro so they could "pee" on the "guard rails."

Occasionally, I'll find a link from a respected colleague in the blogosphere that makes the 10 min. of toil and trouble every day worth it. With that in mind, I'd like to give a big Hidey-Ho to my new buddies at:
http://1st-in-costumes.com/Costume-Resources/ fake-breasts-halloween-costume.html .

As any of my long-time readers can tell you, when you're searching for the perfect DD bat-imprint brassiere, there's only one place to go, and that's the mayor's closet of Pancake City.

Best. Political Ad. Ever.

Kerry should suspend campaigning and spend all his money funding media buys for this ad. Even President Bush would vote for him. (Ad on the left. Link from atrios.)

CBS National Guard Documents

You know you have a credibility problem when your News President looks like he has a fake mustache.

Good Morning!

I woke up at 6:00 a.m. to walk a dog. Even with four hours of sleep, I feel energetic. There is something invigorating about hearing the caws of crows echo across the land as the sun warms the underbellies of dark clouds and turns them into a bright orange. Life has given me so much energy now. I feel I can do anything in the world, anything that I--

Zzzz...

(Like you didn't see that coming. I'm taking a nap. I like my cloud underbellies bright white and pre-heated. See you at 1:00 p.m.)

I made an alfredo sauce yesterday and have an extra ¼ cup of heavy cream. Left-over heavy cream is as useful as a third testicle. If you search long enough, you can find a fast food place that will give you some sauce to dip it into, but it really isn't worth your time.

That analogy makes as much sense as a horse drinking water on a motorboat made out of chocolate. The engine is spitting milk, Junior is eating the mast, and no one can find where the horse pooped.

The problem with writing is that it takes effort to make sense. And time and effort don't mix.

But what does mix is this transition sentence, a.k.a. the spoon for the ceramic bowl that is this essay. I don't want to throw away the pampered milk, but my plan to put a packet of sea monkeys in it and donate the cream to a sperm bank didn't make it past their microscopes. Damn you, science! We could have had a new world order.

So I'm forced to do the next best thing: pour it in my roommate's soy milk. That'll teach that lactose-intolerant commie to mess with America. You want to support the terrorists by voting for John Kerry? Fine. America's going to blow a hole through your ass, and she's not going to close the door behind her.

I love mixing stuff.

Bonus info:

Originally, metaphor was a Greek word meaning "transfer". The Greek etymology is from meta, implying "a change" and pherein meaning "to bear, or carry". Thus, the word metaphor itself has a metaphorical meaning in English, "a transfer of meaning from one thing to another".

Amusingly, in modern Greek the word metaphor is used to refer to a cart or trolley; thus visitors to Greek airports will find themselves using metaphors to carry their luggage.

Dess Daglig Försök?

The Daily Show in Sweden? NPR is on the case.

For Those of You Who Doubt There Is a God

Maryland state law requires 10,000 signatures of registered state voters to put a candidate from a new political party on the presidential ballot. Nader's campaign submitted over 15,000 signatures, but only 9,463 of them were valid. Number of signatures short: 537.

Number of votes Gore lost Florida by?

537.

Gee-Mail

My first impression of Gmail, Google's email service currently in a beta test to select Internet cognoscenti like myself, is that it is the third Musketeer in paper, scissors, and rocks. It's fast, well-designed, and comes with a gigabyte of space.

You need an invite to get an account. I got mine by begging a stranger, but Pancake City is a place of dignity, so if you want an account just let me know in the comments. I have six invites, but since this site only has five readers that shouldn't be a problem.

Contest Update Update

Looks like I goofed. My Canadian cousin Erfan didn't win the 9/11 contest. Evan R. did. Evan is currently a grad student living in Brooklyn and is A FULL-BLODDED AMERICAN! U.S.A! U.S.A!

The lesson of this new result is obvious: Canada is populated by a bunch of pussies.

America rocks!

President Bush's Acceptance Speech Excerpts

First Kerry bashing, now Bush bashing. I transcribed parts of President Bush's acceptance speech over the weekend but haven't have time to post them until now.

Tonight we set a new goal: 7 million more affordable homes in the next 10 years, so more American families will be able to open the door and say, "Welcome to my home." Then, they will be able to open their dishwasher and say, "This is my dishwasher." And "This is my cabinet" and "This is my floor. I like to stand on my floor."


We must strengthen Social Security by allowing younger workers to save some of their taxes in a personal account, a nest egg you can call your own and government can never take away.

AL GORE: "Kind of like putting it in a lock box?"
BUSH: "Yes, like--no, no!"


Anyone who wants more details on my agenda can find them online. The web address is not very imaginative, but it's easy to remember: dickcheneyisashemale.com.



Because religious charities provide a safety net of mercy and compassion, our government must never discriminate against them. Unless these charities are trying to marry mercy and compassion, and mercy and compassion are both dudes.


Now, there are some problems with this claim. If you say the heart and soul of America is found in Hollywood, I'm afraid you are not the candidate of conservative values.
ARNOLD [sobbing]: "No-bahdy loves me."


In Afghanistan, terrorists have done everything they can to intimidate people, yet more than 10 million citizens have registered to vote in the October presidential election, a resounding endorsement for democracy. And there are only an estimated 9.8 million eligible voters. I hope our presidential election doesn't suffer from that kind of fraud [wink, wink].


[talking about the decision to go to war against Iraq]

And I faced the kind of decision that comes only to the Oval Office, a decision no president would ask for, but must be prepared to make: Do I forget the lessons of September 11th and take the word of a madman, or do I take action to defend our country?

(August 7, 2001...)
[ring, ring]
BUSH: "Hello?"
BIN LADEN: "Hello Bushie."
BUSH: "Who is this?"
BIN LADEN: "Osama bin Laden."
BUSH: ...
BIN LADEN: "I organized the bombing on the U.S.S. Cole."
BUSH: ...
BIN LADEN: "The World Trade Center bombing?"
BUSH: I know you! You're that guy Clinton told me about. You're a bad guy.
BIN LADEN: A bad guy? Would a bad guy call to let you know that he's not going to commit terrorist attacks ever again?
BUSH: You're not?
BIN LADEN: Nope. I'm hanging up the C4. Shaving the beard. Raiding the harem and heading to Bermuda.
BUSH: That's good. Cause I'm not going to have anything bad happen on my watch. I'm the President.
BIN LADEN: Well, now you have nothing to worry about. Especially not next month. [snicker]
BUSH: "Wait a minute. [Bush removes a pamphlet from a drawer with the title, "National Security Briefing, "Special Edition." He unfolds the pamphlet. Inside is an image of Rumplestilksten, =, and a picture of Osama bin Laden.] I knew it! You're trying to take my baby! And my baby is [Bush looks at opposite page of pamphlet. There is a picture of a baby, =, and a map of America] my gun. You can't have my gun. It's mine. That's why it's my gun.
BIN LADEN: Bushie, come one. You have to trust me. Take my word for it.
BUSH: I don't think so. Aren't you a madman?
BIN LADEN: Well, if you read The New York Times, yes.
BUSH: Laura said never take the word of a madman. Madman, bad man. That's why they rhyme."
BIN LADEN: You know what else rhymes with madman?
BUSH: What?
BIN LADEN: Ice-cream man.
BUSH: But I love ice-cream. You ever try that Buffalo Bill with the bubblegum nose? I like to bite his nose off and say, "Gotcha!"
BIN LADEN: And if you love ice-cream, that means you love me.
BUSH: Does it? [Bush looks at pamphlet, doesn't find anything helpful] Well, tell you what. Cross your fingers, hope to die?
BIN LADEN: Well, I'd prefer if my associates died. But sure, what the heck.
BUSH: Okay. I believe you. But don't even think of double-crossing me, or I'm going to blow up your entire country.
BIN LADEN: [worried] You're going to destroy Afghanistan?
BUSH: No, Iraq. I thought you live in Iraq.
BIN LADEN: No, I live in…yes. I live in Iraq.

9/11 Contest Winner

I finally counted the references to 9/11 in Bush's acceptance speech. He made six references, including one particularly good one where he connects Saddam Hussein to 9/11. The winner: my Canadian cousin Erfan, who guessed eight. That's right: Canadian. I'm absolutely shocked that a Canadian knows more about American politics than we do. Yup. Shocked.

The references are in the comments. Erfan, I'll email your present in a few days. (Canadians have email, right?)

...

On returning home after a visit with my sister, I found that the equivalent of a computer hurricane hit my household. Our DSL connection was wrecked and some computer application I installed wiped out my bookmarks, email settings, and other formerly stalwart programs.

Evidentially, the DSL line stopped working on Saturday, and when my roommate leapt into action (Monday) the service technician told him to reset the router. This is the equivalent of a doctor telling a patient with skin cancer to wash off the sunscreen so he can get a better look at the problem. A fine suggestion, assuming at that point the doctor doesn't give out the window and yell, "sucks!" or the patient realizes sunscreen is good and tries to re-apply it to himself.

In short, I have a lot to post, but it will take me a day to get everything back to normal.

Creative Ways To Protest

A friend of mine did this yesterday. The second half of the video is shot with a hidden camera.

Last Minute Contest

How many time will President Bush refer to Sept. 11th in his nomination acceptance speech tonight? Closest guess gets a prize. You can submit a guess up to tomorrow morning (as awesome as any prize from Pancake City is, I'm sure that the moral fiber of Pancake City readers is so strong that no one will cheat by searching the transcript the next day for "9/11", "September 11th" and "my bestest day ever").