Transformers

I finally watched "Transformers", directed by Michael Bay. It is the type of movie that if I don't write about it now, I never will because I already forgot half of it and I just finished it five minutes ago.

Crap. I just spent five minutes after writing the above sentences trying to remember what snide comments I was about to make, and all that's left in my head is "Poosh". If you don't know, poosh is the culminate sound of two hours of car crashes, explosions, missile fire, and blown-up buildings all compressed into one second. Michael Bay made my brain go poosh.

The experience was exactly like watching "Memento", where time was sliced into a dozen pieces and the fragments rearranged out of order, casting doubt on the existence of narrative yet cohesive enough to motivate one to search for it.

Actually, the experience was nothing like watching "Memento." This is a better analogy. My brain felt like an asteroid hitting another asteroid, which then hit a third asteroid, and then somehow the asteroids rearrange their flight paths so they all start spinning in unison and plummet together towards Earth.

That is also the beginning sequence of Transformers, except there is also a melodramatic voice-over about how Earth is in danger from the Decepticons who want the All Spice so they can season Earth with their evil and then, I dunno, buy a time share and summer in Maine.

I was 100% prepared for a fun but brainless movie when I rented Transformers. Where I erred was not checking the running time beforehand. I saw the Netflix sleeve and thought, "Crap, two and a half hours? That's a long time for a bad movie."

When you are watching a movie that turns time into an abyss with no ledges to anchor oneself, 1 hour and 22 minutes is the same as 2.5 hours. except the latter fosters more pee breaks and thoughts like, "Why is the robot talking like Martin Lawrence from 'Bad Boys II'?"

Ooh, I remembered a thought! Michael Bay passed up an amazing opportunity for a joke. This opportunity was so amazing, that in spite of what I wrote, I would have become a Michael Bay fan for life if he had made this joke.

It was the scene where High School Guy Who Looks 25 and High School Girl Who Already Had Plastic Surgery were meeting the Autobots for the first time.

High School Guy asked Optimus Prime how the Autobots know slang. (Let's ignore the ridiculousness of this question, or why his first question wasn't "HOW THE FUCK DID YOU CRAZY TALKING ROBOTS GET HERE?") Optimus Prime said, "We learned it from the Internet."

What a great set-up for a joke. You can draw from one of many areas of Internet linguistic oddness: l33t speak, IM chat, penis enhancement spam, and so on. What does one of the Autobots say to show off his Internet language?

"This looks like a cool place to kick it!" Wow. Move more, Mr. T. "Jazz" of the Autobots is here.

Here's what would have made me a Michael Bay fan for life:

GUY: "Where did you learn English?"
OPTIMUS PRIME: "The World Wide Web."
JAZZ: "I CAN haz cheezburger." (1 2 3)

Happy Feet: Netflix Review

My sisters Michele and Tina encouraged me to write another Netflix review. I decided if I do this, I'm only reviewing movies I don't like or think I wouldn't like based on the most superficial criteria possible. This review is for the animated children's movie, Happy Feet.

Maybe these stupid penguins would have more time to find fish if they stopped singing Britney Spears-esque musical numbers every five minutes. I couldn't tell if the tunes were original or ripped wholesale from "Best of Dance Hits, Vol. 3" (only $9.99, check your telly at 3:30 a.m. for the details).

The concept doesn't even make sense. "Let's take a group of animals that all look alike + have extremely tiny feet, and make a musical about them, the success of which will depend on visually stunning footwork and compelling, distinct characters."

The moral tacked on the end is also nonsensical. "We should save the animals, as long as they entertain us." What? Here's my alternate ending: if I see 4,000 penguins dancing in unison, I'm not petitioning the U.N. to end fishing in the Antarctic. I'm grabbing a shotgun and a bag of grenades, because those aren't Emperor penguins, they're Hitler penguins, and they need to die.

Netflix Hates Snotty People

I woke up today with a brilliant idea: I'll write short, sarcastic move reviews on Netflix, preferably for movies I haven't seen but I'm pretty sure suck.

Errnt. Reviews must be at least 80 characters. Errnt. Words must be less than 25 characters. I have a decent vocabulary, but not 25-letter decent. I figured out the problem: errnt, Netflix does not like paragraph breaks. A stumbling block, because to get over the 80 character minimum, I wrote a haiku.

I removed the paragraph breaks, creating a jumble of barely readably text. Finally, errnt: "Review submission error."

I give up. Movie reviewer career over. Snideness diverted to web page. Here is the review on "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days":

Day 1: Show him this movie. Done. ***

Since Netflix requires a minimum of 80 characters in review, and hates paragraph breaks, I present for you all, a poorly-formatted haiku:

Film predictable *** Are they going to fall in love? *** Yes, Pope is Catholic

Someone Build a Dam--I'm Gushing About Emusic

If you have already been thinking about subscribing to EMusic, there is a link at the end for 50 free downloads. If you haven't heard about EMusic, keep reading. It's my favorite online music source.

Emusic is the 2nd biggest online music store, behind ITunes. I've been a subscriber to Emusic for several months now, and I absolutely love it. The songs are high-quality, DRM-free, and best of all, cheap. You pay a certain amount of money a month ($10-$20) and get to download 30-75 songs, depending on the subscription to choose. It will ruin ITunes for you. I don't think I can ever buy a song from ITunes for .99c after paying the equivalent of .25c per song.

I should mention first that the reason they can offer songs for 25c-33c is that almost all of the music they have is from independent labels. You are not going to find anything played on commercial radio here. I hate commercial radio, so this isn't an issue for me, but major-label bands like REM, Nine Inch Nails, and Britney Spears won't be found on the site.

If you are interested in discovering new music though, there is no better web site than EMusic. Their business model of cheap, high-volume downloads meshes perfectly with their efforts to tell customers about great bands. They have a "Most Downloaded" section, a 'New and Noteworthy" section, and suggestions for bands you may like based on past downloads. You can listen to 30-second samples of all songs, which gives you a good idea of whether you'll like the song or not.

I discover about 1/3 of the songs I download from EMusic's recommendations. Another 1/3 from shows like NPR's All Songs Considered and various "Song of the Day" podcasts. The last 1/3 is from friends and other EMusic members. The site keeps track of what you download and gives you the option to make various lists like "Songs I Love" or "Future Downloads" and let other users view them. I've found a many good bands I never would have heard of otherwise by browsing through people's download lists. Also, I have to give a shout-out to my roommate, Meghan, who has excellent music taste (among other things).

EMusic has convinced me that the high-price/low-volume revenue model of ITunes and major record labels is screwed up. I listen to so much more music now than I used to, happily pay for it, and it's almost solely because I can download a song for a quarter. It's much easier to take a chance on a new band when downloading a few singles costs less than a dollar and you can download the whole album for $2-3.

Not only that, I would download more if I could. I get 70 downloads per month on the plan I am on. I already used them up and I have two more weeks to go until they will be renewed. I have 40 albums saved that I'm considering downloading later. My love of music has slowly grown over my life, but it definitely shot up once I joined EMusic and was able to try out new bands at whim and for relatively cheap. Perhaps I'm atypical, but I think if ITunes offered a similar bulk rate discount, the increased volume would more than make up the lost revenue.

Okay, I'm done gushing. If you are interested in trying the site out, click on the link below. It's a trial offer where you can get 50 free downloads. I get 50 free downloads if you end up subscribing, so that's part of my motivation. Although if the fact that I want to download 50 more songs on top of the 70 I already downloaded this month isn't a good testimonial, I don't know what is.

If you want any recommendations on stuff to try out, leave a comment or shoot me an email. Or if you have some bands to recommend, please do. I enjoy sharing music and getting recommendations too.

50 free Emusic downloads.

Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo 2

The reviews are in!

After hovering at 3% on the Rotten Tomatoes' "Tomato Meter", Deuce Bigalow 2 has shot up to a whopping 11%. Go Deuce! The Duke Boys better be looking in their rear-view mirror, because Deuce Bigalow is coming up strong.

Let’s see what the reviewers say:

"It would be best appreciated by (a) children of blind, castrated, hearing-impaired Hollywood executives suffering from Tourette's syndrome and arrested development, (b) comic actor-writers who look like Richard Simmons."
-- Jan Stuart, NEWSDAY

"Deuce Bigalow" is aggressively bad, as if it wants to cause suffering to the audience. The best thing about it is that it runs for only 75 minutes.”
-- Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

"Vile and laughless."
-- Lou Lumenick, NEW YORK POST

"Deuce Bigalow should Bigadie."
-- Me!

"There is something to be said for the uncompromising idiocy of the film, but that something is unprintable."
-- Lisa Rose, NEWARK STAR-LEDGER

"Least imaginative of all -- the TV-commercial director they hired to film it. Yeah, his name is Bigelow, Mike Bigelow. That must have been a real knee-slapper of a meeting."
-- Roger Moore, ORLANDO SENTINEL

"Why are you reading this review? Seriously, do you think this is the movie where Rob Schneider shows the world he's the next Tom Hanks or Jack Nicholson?"
-- Willie Waffle, WAFFLEMOVIES.COM

"Rob Schneider, stop hurting America."
-- Jon Stewart (okay, I made that one up)

Short Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen

Hell Boy Is It Good

The Punisher: Must See Movie!...For Guantamano Bay Prisoners

Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Remember "Scooby Doo 1" where a poorly animated dog and a group of plastic characters plodded through a wooden script that bored kids and sucked the marrow out of whatever pleasant memories adults may have had about the characters? Oh, you don't? Then see this movie!

The Alamo: Ala-so-so

The Whole Ten Yards: The One Yard of Crap Really Makes a Difference When You Add It To Nine Yards of Shit

The Prince & Me: Pretty Woman Training Bra

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
'The Man' Sucks; Kaufman Rocks

A Tale for the Times

Many years ago, Lynne Cheney wrote "Sisters," a novel of "a strong and beautiful woman who broke all the rules of the American frontier."

I didn't know the American frontier had rules. I thought not having rules was the whole point of the frontier. Who wants to travel 500 miles west and have to deal with a homeowner's association? But that's besides the point.

The book has received attention recently because it has some naughty bits, at least for a prim conservative in the public spot light. Naughty bits such as lesbian relationships, feminism ideals, and an overbearing, misogynistic man who can only express his sexuality in the crudest forms, such as demanding people call him by the name of his wiener. (Okay, I'm making the last one up.) The publisher was going to re-release the book but canceled plans a few weeks ago at the request of Ms. Cheney.

Some of the reviews of it on Amazon.com are quite funny.

Book Review: The Da Vinci Code

What makes "The Da Vinci Code," a thriller that has been on the New York Times Bestseller list for months now, worth reading is the many fascinating facts about art history, word origins, pagan symbols and Christianity that author Dan Brown weaves into the story.

These bits of trivia may be obvious to art students and etymology buffs, but for me, moments like finding out how the Egyptian god and goddess for fertility, Amon and Isis (whose ancient pictogram was once called L'ISA) inspired the name for one of Da Vinci's most famous paintings is enough to make the book worth reading. (Brown gives several examples of Da Vinci inserting symbols of paganism and subtle digs at Christianity in his works. News to me.)

The "Da Vinci Code" reminds me of old science fiction that survived on the strength of its ideas rather than the quality of its writing. The writing in this book is terrible. Brown uses adjectives and adverbs in his sentences the way McDoanld's uses salt on its fries. And his descriptions of places and people ring hollow. When the main character has a flashback to a symbolism class at Harvard he taught, I thought:

1) Dan Brown has never taught a class at Harvard, or any college.
2) "Saved By The Bell" is going to sue his ass.

While the plot isn't particularly inventive, it kept me turning the pages. It is kind of like watching a soap opera that makes you roll your eyes with the cheesy music and lingering close-ups, but keeps you watching when the heiress' husband, supposedly dead, shows up drenching wet at her door before the commercial break.

In short, this is a book of very interesting ideas about symbols and history with a decent plot that makes up for the poor writing. I won't go into the central and most interesting argument in the book, but it involves the Holy Grail not being a grail, and Brown provides enough evidence to at least make one wonder if it could be true.

My rating:

Rich people: Buy it.
Middle class people: Worth $12-$15.
Poor people: Borrow it from the library.

Matrix Revolutions

(no spoilers, but skip it if you want to avoid hearing what critics are saying about the movie)

Is there something unique to the post-Baby Boomer generation that drives us to lower our expectations to avoid being disappointed? I'm generalizing, maybe a lot, but I find myself feeling some gratitude to movie reviews that tank one of the three to four movies I look forward to each year.

"The Matrix Revolutions sucks."
-- Peter Travers, ROLLING STONE

That's one of the harshest reviews, but the new Matrix movie is getting panned by most critics. But after the letdown, I was glad I read the reviews. I sought them out. Because I'm still going to see the movie, and the Wachowski brothers are going to have to pull the "It was all a dream" end to crush my enjoyment of the series.

On the surface, lowering one's expectations is a win-win situation. If it's bad, you're not as disappointed. If it's good, you're pleasantly surprised. But what, if anything, is lost?

Move Over Titanic

It's not looking good for Boat Trip, the new Cuba Gooding Jr. movie about a man who accidentally goes on a gay cruise. (Gay sailboat I can believe, but a whole cruise?) You know how most movie ads put the name of the reviewer by his or her blurb about the movie? Boat Trip uses footnotes. Among the tiny-type reviewers: "Hula" (KHTS-FM San Diego), "Jah-T" (WUSL Philadelphia), and "Earl Dittman" (Wireless Magazines). Earl, who always loves a good gay boat movie, was quoted twice.

This is still better than a practice I saw several months ago, where a marketer tried to make his own copy look like a rave from a movie review by putting it in quotes. "You've got to see this movie!" That was it. Did the technique propel "Battlefield Earth" to a #1 hit? Only time will tell. (TIME: "No!")

If I were a movie marketer, I'd find someone in America with the name Roger Ebert and pay him to give a good review. "What a great movie! I have two thumbs!"