Our Spirit of Christmas

My family’s favorite part of Christmas isn’t receiving gifts. It’s not giving gifts. It’s using trickery and guile to find out what they’re getting from each other before Christmas.

By using “they’re” instead of “we’re”, it may appear that I consider myself an outsider to their shenanigans, one who holds surprise to be the best part of gift giving and looks with dismay on anyone who seeks to corrupt the joy of the unknown before the appropriate day.

It may appear this way because it is absolutely true. I love surprises. They love CSI: Christmas Scene Investigator. We battle yearly, the purist vs. “This one is practically unwrapped already. Might as well open it now.” I always lose, it’s just a matter of what degree.

Yesterday, I was wrapping their gifts in a bedroom in my Mom’s house. I knew ahead of time this was a huge tactical blunder, much like a dopey security guard walking in one of the worst neighborhoods in Brooklyn and swinging in each hand a large bag with a giant $ sign on it, while singing “Whistle While You Work” to himself and pausing occasionally to adjust his boxers or wave to strangers.

It was the only time I had to wrap the gifts, but I can blame no one but myself for what happened next. First, Tina tried the blunt approach. She walked in the room and began searching through the big bag of gifts that I brought. ‘Tina, what are you doing?” I snapped. She looked hurt. “What? I thought they were wrapped.”

Okay. Perhaps she didn’t see the scissors in my right hand. Or the wrapping paper strewn on the floor. Or that I had to spit out a piece of ribbon in my mouth before I could scold her. She stomped out of the room. “Everyone, watch out. Jason is Mr. Cranky Pants today.”

I could still hear the cries of “Mr. Cranky Pants” after she went downstairs, so I shut the door. I didn’t want to shut the door, because a closed door near Christmastime attracts a lot of attention in my family, much like a suitcase handcuffed to a courier pokes the curiosity of even the most virtuous.

A few minutes later, I realized I forgot to bring name tags for the gifts, so I opened the door a crack and slid out to grab some downstairs. Right after I put my foot on the first step, I heard a soft voice whisper behind me, “He’s gone, let’s go!” I turn around to see Michele and my Mom make a dash for the room.

I chased them down and shoved them out before they could discover anything. Then I locked the bedroom door, and, I’m being completely serious here, shoved a laundry hamper and a chair in front of the door to barricade it lest one of them pick the lock. Which they have done before. Usually with a letter opener, but they’ll use a paper clip if they have to.

After I finished wrapping the nameless gifts, I brought them downstairs. A luxury the family did not always have. After our dad passed away, there were a few hours in the day when Mom was at work and the three of us were at home, unsupervised. Michele and Tina used this valuable time for many tasks, one of which was to unwrap and rewrap their gifts.

They could have got away with it too, if they weren’t so proud of themselves that they burst into laughter in the midst of unwrapping presents Christmas morning (or occasionally crying to Mom a few days before Christmas because they unwrapped all their presents and found that they weren't getting something they really wanted). My family isn't Jewish, but we know the meaning of chutzpah.

Leaving gifts under the tree is no longer a risky behavior. Michele and Tina view surreptitious unwrapping the same way they view the Barbies and My Little Ponies they played with as children. They have moved on long ago to more sophisticated techniques.

All of which they learned from my Mom. Michele and Tina have come a long way, but they’re still not even in the same league as her.

This year, Tina had a good idea. Knowing my Mom loves to find out what she’s getting ahead of time as much as she does, Tina called Mom and proposed a trade: I’ll tell you one gift you don’t know about if you tell me one gift I don’t know about.

Mom agreed, and asked about the heavy, thin object. Mom thought it was a Picasso painting. Unfortunately it was a baking sheet. Tina asked about a medium-sized box, and found out Mom got her wine glasses.

Tina called Michele to crow about her cleverness.

“Guess what. I got Mom to tell me one of the gifts she got me.”

Michele knew most of the gifts Tina got. “Which one?”

“The wine glasses. I told her about the baking sheet, and she told me about the wine glasses.”

“Tina, you fool. Mom didn’t get you wine glasses. She hid the real present in a wine glass box."

"WHAT?"

"Oops. I wasn't supposed to tell you that."

As Tina and Michele were retelling the story on Christmas day, Mom shook her fist triumphantly. My Mom, the master bargain hunter, managed to get something for nothing again. Michele blabbed the goods to Tina, but Mom was still victorious: she pulled a fast one over her gullible kids.

I forget how I learned that Santa Claus isn’t real. I have a hunch though Mom had to resist doing a fist pump and saying, "Yes!" afterwards. And that, if I have kids, it will be hard for me not to do the same.

Update: After Tina read the post, she said, "I found out Santa didn't exist when Mom asked me to write his name on a gift tag."

Pretty Cute Kitty...

One of the Wii Kitties.

I have a lot of things I want to write about, but if I don't write them down soon, I'm going to forget them. Notes for myself:

sake, Mom's Christmas tree, family comments, podcast, bad dog, james bond, robot chicken, "let the cat out of the bag", poop bag review

Funny Onion Story

I missed this when it first came out:
Kevin Federline, Wife Divorce

Doggy Senility

I read a blurb in Psychology Today that 90% of dogs have a moment of senility by the time they are seven. How does a creature that chases its own tail, eats poop, and says hi by sniffing each other's butts have a moment of senility?

Broad Daylight: Derogatory to Women? You Decide.

No one gets killed in daylight anymore. When there's a news report on a day time killing, the person is always murdered in broad daylight. It reflects a sense of shock and outrage. Murder, we made a deal: you get the night, we get the day. But when death slips into the sunlight, it better have a good reason, and a gang shooting in front of a school yard doesn't cut it.

How are we supposed to feel when someone is killed on a cloudy day? Rain? The evening after daylight savings time, when someone expected there to be more anti-evil rays (sunlight) then they are on that day? News reporters should be more descriptive about the weather at the time of death.

"A bus load of children holding puppies selected for extra cuteness was killed in a head-on collision with a demon-possessed clown car driven by Michael Richards. Police say that Richards may have been distracted by the tornado wrestling with a giant rainbow."

I need to know how to feel when someone dies, and "broad daylight" doesn't illuminate my feelings the way it used to.

I Got Me In'Net!

The DSL service was activated earlier than I expected. Remember when I said in my last post how it was nice to be without Internet access? I lied. That was just to trick the Access Gods. IT WAS HORRIBLE. I spent hours each day, staring at a blank monitor, clicking my mouse like a puppy locked outside a house and pawing a frost-covered window.

The experience did give me valuable insight, thought, that will come in handy if I ever decide to live like a half-naked barbarian.

I missed you SO much Internet. This was the first time in years we were away from each other for more than a week. It was a difficult time. I admit, at times, I thought about having a fling with a trampy dial-up connection. Just for a day or two. But I held strong, and can still make up and respect myself when I look in the mirror. Which I won't be doing much of now, along with shopping, visiting art galleries, or frankly, leaving the house at all.

We have a lot of catching up to do, but once we're done reconnecting, I'll be back to my regular schedule of posting twice a month.

Where Have I Been?

Sorry for the lack of posts recently. Last week, I had my 30th birthday party. It's the first time I went out with friends for my birthday in almost a decade. For much of my life, I felt like I didn't have many friends that liked me enough to come to a birthday party, so I rarely had one. I feel blessed to be in a different place in my life now.

Also, two months ago, I vowed to myself that I would move out of my Mom's place before my 30th birthday. I was a day late, but I did it: I moved to NE D.C. It took a lot of hard work and\or me doing absolutely nothing while an opening came up in my friend Meghan's place and she asked if I wanted to move in. This just goes to show you that if you have a specific goal and focus intently on it and/or scratch your balls while random events in life conspire to deliver your goal to you, you can achieve anything. I am submitting a longer version of my inspiring story to Parade magazine (Motto: "Thank God We're Free").

The house is big, old, roomy, and has lots of neat quirks about it. There are cupboards everywhere, some of them 10 feet above the ground. There are about 3 dozen light switches in the house, none of which do what I expect them to do. For example, the garbage disposal light switch has three settings: Off, On, and Really On. Off and On do nothing. Really On, lifting the switch a little bit past the On position, like turning to the 11 setting on a Spinal Tap speaker, activates the disposal.

I like the place a lot, and both my roommates are awesome. We don't have Internet access though, and won't get it until next Friday, so I haven't been able to update the blog or do much besides check my email at the library occasionally.

When I have had Internet access, I was on the Internet for at least 2-3 hours almost every day, mostly playing online poker or reading poker web sites. Occasionally I would watch TV. We have neither Internet access or a TV at the moment, and I'm really surprised how little I miss it. I haven't been bored or going through withdrawal symptoms, as I do sometimes in the past. I'm happy in a way that the DSL won't be activated in a week. The only hassles are checking my dog walking schedule, posting on the blog, and checking my email, the total of which I could do in 15-30 minutes. I like being disconnected, although the second we get net access I know that I will likely fall in my old time wasting habits.

I'm going to try to upload something I wrote about the new James Bond movie before the post becomes irrelevant with time. Besides that, I doubt I will be able to update the blog. Check back in a week. I hope to have a few substantial posts ready to go by then.

Get Your Very Own PS3

This is funny.

Edit: Well, that was quick. EBay already took the auction down. It was for a PlayStation 3...made out of a PlayStation 1 and PlayStation 2 duck-taped together.

Worst Idea Ever

At least for 2006.

"O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened"

The follow-up interview: "If I did it, and happened to videotape it, here's what the videotape would look like."

MY SISTER IS A LAWYER!!!!

Michele found out today that she passed the New York bar. Let the suing begin!

Earth Global Warming Causes Hurricane-Like Storm on Saturn

I'm joking about the Earth global warming connection, but this is neat.

Random Election Thoughts

* I am thrilled that President Bush fired Donald Rumsfeld. I feel like the Iraq war is at a point where this is the last chance for America to salvage the situation. We need to make many changes in the next few months to have a chance of preventing a full-blown civil war, and the first was firing Rumsfeld and replacing him with someone competent. It gives me hope that the other necessary steps will be taken soon enough to make a difference.

But let us not forget Rummy's wonderful service to the army, the country, and the art of kung fu with this Internet classic.

* Most of the newly-elected Democrats to Congress are moderates. I also sense that many people will be frustrated if there is a lot of political fighting and personal attacks. At the same time, Congress' absolute lack of oversight of the executive branch has been horrible for the country's democracy, and needs to be changed. It's going to be interesting to see how the Democratic party balances legislative progress vs. investigating the executive branch, which may poison the political atmosphere and make it difficult to get veto-proof legislation passed.

* I had other thoughts, but at this point, I've had my fill writing about politics.

Not that anyone is visiting Pancake City for timely political analysis, but...

Unfortunately, I think George Allen is going to eek out a victory of about 15,000 votes. Although none of the major networks are ready to call the race, Pancake City analyzed the county-by-county data, estimated the projected final totals, and has CON-cluuuded that Webb can't make up the ground. It's too bad--Jim Webb was, to me, a more moderate, level-headed candidate than George Allen. I'd love to be wrong.


Update: This one won't be resolved for a few weeks. Jim Webb has a 3,000 vote lead (out of over 2,200,000 votes) with 99% of the precincts reporting. There is going to be a recount, and it will take a while to complete. This is also a good example of why I am not a political analysis. Pancake City has CON-cluuuuded that I have no idea what I am talking about.

See Ya, Santorum

I am very happy that one of the most anti-gay U.S. Senators will not be coming back for a second term.

Unfortunately, the same-sex marriage super ban was approved in Virginia by a solid majority. It's already banned, but now it's in the state constitution, written with unerasable ink.

Don't Have Sex Until You Are Thirty

The preacher--sorry, government--government says so.

The first step towards separation between church and state is separation between religious yahoos and state.

Bear Behavior

If you think men go to extremes to get sex, you don't know bears.

In Grizzly Man, Warner Herzog's documentary of a man who lived with grizzly bears every summer for over a decade, Herzog says that some male grizzly bears will kill their cubs so the female will be ready to fornicate sooner.

Talk about a mood killer.

Brief Adventures in Online Dating

I like browsing the personal ads on Yahoo. Fun way to waste time. The company only allows you to browse a few of them before requiring you to fill your own profile, which I first did a year ago, starting an electronic duel between us that continues today.

What happens is that I fill out a profile with a multi-paragraph description. Yahoo grants me access for a few days while they review my profile. They review my profile. Then they reject it. Always. Which is fine, because by then I'm no longer interested in looking at ads. A few months pass by, I get curious again, fill out a profile, and...

I have yet to crack the Yahoo code. If I was seriously looking for a date, I'd be very frustrated. I'm on profile #7 now. Yahoo just doesn't like me. And I let them know in my latest profile, sent two days ago:

Intro: Yahoo doesn't like me

Description: I don't know why. It keeps rejecting my profiles. I understand the need for standards, but if they're going to block my profile just because I mention my crack pipe selling business, they should mention it beforehand. Okay, they did send me an email saying, "STOP WRITING ABOUT CRACK PIPES!!!" but that was too little, too late.

Today, I logged into my Yahoo email account, clicked on my Yahoo New Email button, and saw that I got an email from my friends at Yahoo. Yay! Guess what they had to say? We could not approve your profile.

The reason: Your intro or description was not accepted because it does not contain enough personal information.

If telling potential mates about my home crack pipe business isn't personal information, what is? I suspect they are just peeved that I refer to them as Yahoo, and not Yahoo! I'm sorry, Yahoo!, but besides the grammatical monstrosity including it would cause in almost every sentence, you don't own the exclamation point. It's not yours. Punctuation belongs to the people, not to a deliriously-perky company that attempts to cover its tortured soul with a glassy-eyed happiness that invokes an uncomfortable resemblance to the Church of Scientology.

I got to put that in my next profile.

From the Home Front

One of my Mom's hobbies is to send her children alarmist emails about the hidden dangers of the world. These emails share three qualities:

1. They are about a danger that I have never heard about, and never would have if she had not sent me this email.

2. The danger affects about 1 in a million people, if that.

3. There is absolutely nothing reasonable one can do to defend against the danger. The defensive action suggest in the email, almost always forwarded through a long chain of people before it reaches her and she broadcasts it to us, is drastic and involves making a major behavior change that is completely overblown considering the negligible risk of the actual danger. In the past, this has included "Don't go swimming in the ocean" (Summer of the Shark), "Don't answer the door at night" and "Always check under your bed for Black Widow spiders before going to sleep."

The title of the latest one, sent today? "FW: New Trick for Rapists, Please Read!"

A few years ago, I used to wonder why I'm so anxious that I need to take medication.

Calling All Math Majors

I've been thinking about the flash video below that explains the ten dimensions. The way the dimensions are defined, there can be no more than ten dimensions, because the 10th dimension is the infinity of all the infinite universes. But I remember reading of some string theories that propose the existence of more than 10 dimensions, most notably 11 or 26. Are these other definitions just different ways of categorizing the same thing, like instead of "5, 6, 7" it's "5a, 5b, 5c, 6a, 6b, 7a..."

Do I even want to know? Sometimes I like asking questions more than the answers. Questions are easy. Answers are hard. When I think about researching my own questions, part of my brain goes, "Woah, hold on there, Einstein. We haven't had our second nap yet Why don't you go grab that duck feather pillow there, and we'll think about this in an hour."

The 10th Dimension

If you watch one flash animation of the 10th dimension, make it this one. A lucid explanation matched with lucid design.

I ALso Love 'This American Life'

Especially now that they started offering podcasts of their show for free.

Each show will be offered as a free podcast for one week starting the Monday after it airs. After one week, you can buy it for $.95 from iTunes or Audible.com*.

Linky linky

* The mark of an online giant is when people refer to your name without the .com.

I Love Keith Olbermann

He has a talent for giving scathing yet eloquent critiques that manage to avoid descending into a polemic rant because of the truth behind his accusations. This one deals with the Bush administration use of fear as a political tool. It's 10 min. long, but it's worth to at least watch the first 5 minutes.

Time Babies

I wish my thoughts were as evocative as the title, but alas, I am poorer than Yorick. Random musings:

* It would be neat to find out if there is any correlation between the frequency of a name chosen for a baby and the number of months before birth it was decided upon. Or if there is a correlation between the amount of time the parents took to think about the name and the obscurity of the name. I don't know what trend I suspect to find. "Daddy, where did you get my name from?" "Well, Recliner, we weren't expecting Mommy to go in labor so soon, and..."

* Some developing countries are growing so rapidly that it affects the time scale of technological adaptation, with some interesting results. For example, in India there are three times the number of cell phones that they are land lines. If India's economic boom had occurred twenty years ago, they would likely have the same landline telephone infrastructure as the U.S. and other countries. In a way, India has skipped over a rung on the technological ladder.

* I don't pre-screen my friends for an affinity for listening to NPR, or having an open mind, or liking to read books. But most of them do. There are some activities and hobbies people have that correlate to their likability (in my eyes), even though I often end up liking the person before learning of these hobbies.

There are also some activities and hobbies that have absolutely no relation to the person's personality or character. It doesn't matter a bit if my friends share these interests. Taste in music comes to mind. I don't think one's taste in music says anything about a person. I have never felt more or less connected to a person based on what bands they favor. It's as irrelevant as hair color, or number of siblings, and that strikes me as really odd. What does that say about music?

The Internet TV Archive

It's called "TV Links", but I like my name better. Lends a sense of grandeur.

It's a hodgepodge of links to TV shows online. Most the shows are currently running or have recently aired, but there are some links to some ancient oddballs too. Like Legend of Zelda: The Animation Series. (Actual line from show: "LINK: Well, excuuuuuuse me, princess.")

Warning

I saw a baby stroller with this warning label: DO NOT LEAVE STROLLER UNATTENDED!

If you have to be told by an inanimate object not to abandon your child, are you even in the market for a baby carriage? I think these parents, when perusing the chart of baby transportation options, saw "burlap sack" and said, "Hoo yah. Let's roll."

There is no point for a dumb warning label when it can be dumb and funny at the same time. "THIS STROLLER IS NOT A MAGICAL DEVICE THAT RENDERS YOUR BABY INVISIBLE IN TIMES OF DANGER. IT WILL NOT SOUND LIKE A CAR ALARM IF SOMEONE STEALS YOUR BABY. DO NOT LEAVE NON-MAGICAL STROLLER UNATTENDED. ALSO, BY NON-MAGICAL, WE ARE NOT IMPLYING THERE IS A MAGICAL VERSION OF THIS STROLLER. MAGIC DOES NOT EXIST. STOP VOTING FOR TAX CUTS. THE NATIONAL DEBT IS $8.5 TRILLION. WE DON'T EVEN HAVE $8.5 TRILLION IN MONOPOLY MONEY. BRAD PITT LOOKS LIKE A CHUPACABRA UP CLOSE. BRITNEY SPEARS USES HER BABY AS A HOOD ORNAMENT. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH MAGIC ANYMORE. GOOD NIGHT.

OMG!!! INTERNET GAMBLING BANNED!

Except that it hasn't been.

Last week, Sen. Frist attached the "Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act" to a port security bill at the last minute. The act was allowed to be attached to the bill late at night on a voice vote, and the port security bill was signed into law by President Bush on Friday.

While there are literally millions of Americans that play poker online, I suspect the media initially picked up the story because of the economic ramifications. Online gambling is taxed and regulated in the U.K. and most of Europe. Poker company stocks traded overseas lost around 60% of their price and billions of dollars in market value.

Money is a great quality for any story. It's one of the Three Media Musketeers, along with sex and violence. Now if only Rockstar Games could create a video game that allows you and a friend to bet on how quickly you can beat-up hookers. They wouldn't even need a clever name. They could just call it "Money-Hooker-Smash" and make a fortune.

The media's initial handling of the story made me realize how easy it is to fool editors. Although the act is named, "Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act" the act doesn't make it illegal to play poker online. It's still legal. The first 3/5 of the bill's title is a lie. The law makes it illegal for U.S. banks and credit card companies to directly transfer money to and from overseas online poker sites.

Yet the act's name says Unlawful, Internet, and Gambling, all in the same sentence. So, according to many news outlets: "Internet Gambling Made Illegal" (or, in a nod to nuance, "Internet Gambling Made Practically Illegal)"

Perhaps it's unfair to except accuracy immediately in a 24/7 news environment. Check 1: The words were in order. Check 2: Screw it. We got check 1.

If the act was titled, "Gambling Internet Unlawful Act Enforcement Poodle" and the AP ran a photo of a pink poodle in a cop uniform beating up a computer playing poker, then I'd have more of a case.

The arguments against online gambling are absolutely ridiculous and inconsistent with how we treat similar activities. If you can day trade from the privacy of your home for as much money and as long as you want, why can't you do the same with online poker? You can even play for much lower stacks online than live. The minimum stakes at a casino is usually $1/$2--every online site offers games for $.10/$.20.

Alcoholism is a terrible problem, but that doesn't mean we should ban alcohol. We tried that before. It's called...I forget. I had too much to drink tonight. But if our government isn't going to stop me from crashing my car into a 7-11 and run around the store naked with a Slurpee cup over my crotch, then it has no business trying to discourage people from gambling online.

Most arguments by poker players in support of online poker playing are sound, although some of them try too hard. My favorite is one I heard on a poker radio show: "By letting us gamble at home, it keeps us from driving drunk on the streets." Way to win the hearts and minds, guys.

There are a lot of interesting background nuggets about the situation.

* Sen. Frist's motivation. He has been continually pandering to the religious right to secure their support (and dollars) for his Presidential run. Remember Terry Schiavo?

* Anti-gambling groups have been trying to get a bill like this passed for years. One reason they haven't been able to up until now is because the now-disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff worked to prevent any anti-gambling ban that would hurt his clients, the Indian casinos. Abramoff's work tainted online gambling in a way. "If he defended it, then it must be bad."

* While the bill is difficult to enforce, and most poker players use third-party payment system already that aren't affected by the law, public online gambling firms have pulled out of the U.S. market, which is 1/2 of the total online market. The reason is that, as publicly-held companies, their operations and relationships with banks can't have any hint of illegality or being involved in a legal gray area.

* PartyGaming, a public company with a 50% market share in the U.S., has pulled out of the market, leaving a huge vacuum for private companies to seize.

* Most of poker's recent popularity has come from televised poker shows. These shows get a significant amount of revenue from online poker sites. It's unclear how many of these shows will survive now that some companies no longer operating in the U.S. has no reason to advertise in the country.

* There are a lot of angry, life-long Republicans who play poker and say they aren't voting Republican this year because of the bill. I don't think it will affect any elections though. There's a big online tournament on Voting Day.

From the Days When I Played

Some Photoshop doodles I found on the hard drive. I forget if the titles were supposed to be intentionally pretentious.

Good Night, and Good Luck

My one sentence review: Saved by the last 10 minutes.

Do you know what the funny part of this is?

IT'S A REAL SOFTWARE PRODUCT.

Really. Click on the PayPal link.

I hope this guy is rich.

Movie Recommendations?

My desire to move out of my Mom's house is debatable by the fact that I signed up for Netflix's free two-week trial and arranged all my speakers so the sound waves would form a nexus directly over my bed, on which a bank of pillows has been thoughtfully placed.

It's been a while since I've rented a lot of movies, so I need some recommendations. First, here are mine:

Movie theater: Little Miss Sunshine. It's hilarious, heartfelt and lives up to the glowing reviews.

Rentals: Full Metal Alchemist. It's a Japanese anime series (English dubbed) about two young brothers on a request to restore their bodies into their original, human form. I watched 13 1/2-hour episodes so far and it keeps getting better. The series' creators wholly adapted the language of film, and it shows up in all facets of the story telling, from the camera angles used to the evocative music.

Dodgeball: Ben Stiller: Evil Dodgeball guy. Vince Vaughn: Good Dodgeball Guy. That's pretty much the whole movie. The movie has a lot of funny, silly moments that somehow makes its formulatic elements more comforting than annoying. If this movie were a food, it would be pizza.

Battlestar Galatica: If you like TV science fiction, this is your best bet. Hot pilots, gripping drama, and robots. What more could a sci-fi fan ask for?

Jim Gaffigan: Beyond the Pale. I've watched the shortened Comedy Central version of his stand-up three times. Besides the fact that his jokes are hilarious, I admire him for choosing to be funny without using crutches like cursing or taking cheap shots at ethnic groups.

Okay, so what do you recommend? Post a comment with your picks.

Whoever Said "You Can't Go Home Again"...

...never met me.

I couldn't find a place before my lease ended at the end of September, so I moved in with my Mom for a week or so. Or a month. Or a year. This place is a trap.

The problem with moving in is that, in my old home, I lived in a dingy townhouse with a moderate-sized and cramped common areas. In my Mom's house, I have my sleeping room, my changing room, my storage garage, my storage basement, and my guest room. Tina is visiting for the weekend, and in the spirit of generosity, I decided to let her stay in my changing room rather than my guest room, which, to be honest, doesn't allow one the full range of comfort a guest should expect in another person's home.

My best hope for getting out of here was a few days after I moved in, before my comfort items were unpacked and my Mom's efforts to get me to stay with her by cooking nightly meals for a while took hold.

I know it's not good for me to stay home, but it's easy. I feel like I'm on vacation. Driving 45 min. each way to walk dogs for a few hours is a pain, but I know if I stopped it would just make it easier for me to dilly-dally. I dilly enough as it is in my life. I don't need to dally.

One motivation for moving out is that I'm turning 30 in two months. I really don't want to be living with my Mom when I'm 30. Arbitrary in a way, yes, but if I'm still living with my Mom in two months, I might as well quit my job and dig up a 2005 Holiday Hecht's catalog so she can start dressing me too.

Joke or No Joke?

Try to guess.

In their next generation of cameras, HP will allow you to automatically insert a photo of Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie every time you take a photo of your cousin.

On Hiatus for a Week

I won't be posting much, if at all, for the next week. I'm moving this Sat. (don't know where yet--gg relaxed move) and don't see myself having the time.

"I'm so hungry..."

"...I could eat a horse!"

I'm not impressed when people say that. Have you ever had horse before? I have. It's delicious. You add some barbeque sauce and it's a giant McRib.

I'd be more impressed if someone said, "I'm so hungry, I could eat a wad of napkins!" Napkins taste terrible. I know. I tried one. These two Golden Retrievers I walk love paper products. Every time they see a crumpled napkin or used tissue on the ground, I have to plant my feet to stop from being dragged across the street towards it. One day, I poured some ketchup on a napkin and decided to see what all the fuss is about.

Know what it tasted like? Like a napkin with ketchup on it. Stupid dogs. If anyone tells me they're so hungry they can get a napkin, I'm buying them a burger. Or, when they come back on the menu, a McRib. Which will be as soon as McDonalds can get some more horses.

If Only...

I got really excited when I heard on NPR today that cinematographer Sven Nightfist died. I've never heard of him, and I couldn't understand why as he has the Coolest Name Ever. (True side note: I've tried a variety of methods, from deadly serious to comical, to get responses to my email inquiries about rooms for rent, all will little success. My luck did not change with my latest technique: introducing myself as "Phineas HornBlower, Pirate Extraordinaire".)

Anyway, I couldn't believe that someone had a name that awesome. If I were Death, I couldn't kill someone with that cool of a name. Unless I also had a cool name, like Death Rocket Hands the III, esq.

Yet when I got home and searched for "Sven Nightfist" on Google to find a news story on his death (yes, many of the posts I write are supported with a modicum of research) nothing relevant turned up. My first thought: Am I spelling Sven wrong? Is it Swen?

I later found out that I got the boring part right and the interesting part wrong. That happens a lot with me. His true name: Sven Nykvist.

I want to find an audiofile of a newscaster reading his last name because it sounded exactly like Nightfist. In fact, if this guy was so great, why didn't he change his name to Nightfist himself? The dots were all there. All he had to do was draw the lines.

Well, the Swedes disappointed me again. From Swiss Miss "Hot" Chocolate (there's not even liquid in the pouches!) to Swedish "fish", it's one lie after another with these people.

It Used To Be Mr. Devil

Here is an odd story of Hugo Chavez, the President of Venezuela, calling President Bush "the devil" on the floor of the U.N. General Assembly. Afterwards, Chavez pulled down his pants, waved his rear at Bush, and said, "You can kiss my brown ass."

Okay, Chavez kept his pants on, but if you are going to call the leader of a nation "the devil" in front of the leaders of almost every other country in the planet, your pantaloons might as well have wings because they're flying off soon.

The article points out that Chavez has called Bush names before, but it was "Mr. Devil". Now, Chavez is dispensing with the formalities.

Mr. Devil does have a nice ring to it. Sounds like something an orphan would say. "Mr. Devil, can I have some more porridge?" And the devil would smile and say, "Well, the devil wouldn't give you more porridge, but maybe Mr. Devil can help a young, polite man like yourself out."

Can you understand how crazy this is? It's like a far-left version of Ann Coulter got elected president of a country. Calling a president a devil in a public forum is something a crackhead would say. How is the President supposed to respond? "You called me what, bitch?"

Whoever gave Chavez the key to the liquor cabinet in his room is going to be fired. Chavez is going to wake up the next day, hungover and groggy, and get a call from his frantic aide: "I said what? Wow. Really? They knew I was drunk, right?"

Etymology Flashback

Remember "cool beans"? How did it come to mean "sounds good"? Most people, when asked if they want cool beans, aren't excited by the proposition. Beans and rice: now we're moving in the right direction. But plain, cool beans? Even a vegan would ask, "Well, can you at least warm them up? They're friggin' beans."

In fact, if I like something, I'm skipping the whole legume group and moving to a more exciting place on the pyramid, as in "every place except the bean part". Even spinach is cooler than beans. At least spinach has an aura of danger about it now. If beans want to retain their place in pop culture, they're going to have to kill someone. And not while still in a can. That's too easy. They're going to need to lodge themselves in a windpipe at the minimum.

You are on notice, beans. Unless you start tasting good all by yourself, things are going to go downhill.

Finally, a Holiday We Can All Get Behind

Talk Like a Pirate Day!

I don't know if this episode aired yet, but apparantly a pirate family appeared on ABC's Wife Swap.

Queen of Flickr

There is this young woman on Flickr, Sophie, who consistently posts the most wonderful pictures. It's sick how talented she is. You should check her out.

Paradise Found

Last weekend, I went to the Renaissance Fair. Had a great time (photos of people you've never met here!). The fried cheese--delicious. Best food item at the Renaissance Fair not on a stick, and I dare say it would provide a tough challenge against the whole array of stick-based foods, including Cheesecake on a Stick, Grapes on a Stick, and Stick on a Stick.

The only down part is that, with all of the visual and aural stimuli created by the performers, craft shops, and uniquely-dressed visitors, I became momentarily distracted and lost my backpack.

Version 2: I was drunk and lost it between the time we left the pub and went to throw knives. (In a layout that doesn’t make sense now that I am sober, the knife-throwing game is right around the corner of the pub.)

The lost-and-found didn’t have it, so I called the office on Monday to see if someone had returned it. Here is the exact conversation I had:

ME: “Hi. I lost my backpack last Saturday, and I was wondering if someone turned it in.”
LOST N FOUND: “We did find a few backpacks on Saturday. What color is it?”
ME: “It’s an olive-green backpack.”
LOST N FOUND: “One moment.” [puts me on hold, comes back a minute later.] “What’s in the backpack?”

(It’s obvious to me he wants to make sure it’s mine, lest I am a con artist trying to pull of the ol’ “Backpack Switcheroo”)

ME: “There’s a sunglasses case, a camera pouch, and ½ a bottle of Arizona Ice Tea. But it’s lemonade inside, not ice tea.”

LOST N FOUND: “Hmmm, mmmm. And who made the backpack?”

Excuse me? How many olive-green backpacks with a sunglasses case, camera pouch, and ½ bottle of lemonade-filled Arizona Ice Tea inside them do you have?

ME: “Jeez, I don’t know. Jansport?”

LOST N FOUND: “That’s right. It’s yours.”

What would have happened if I had given the wrong brand name? What if I slipped and said “Trail and Country” or the “Just Give Me My Mother-Fucking Backpack Already” company? I am probably better off not knowing.

Anyway, they agreed to mail it back to me. I got it back today.

You know what’s still in the backpack? THE LEMONADE. They didn’t even empty the bottle. They mailed me back my ½ bottle of week-old lemonade. And paid the postage for it too.

Uh. thanks? I almost feel obligated to drink it now. Almost.

My roommates will like it though.

World's Dumbest HSN Host

This is hilarious.

Science Headlines

Astronomers Find Distant, Fluffy Planet
Astronomers are just making stuff up now. "Yeah, there's like this planet that's made of cotton candy, but it's really far away, so only we can see it. And the planet likes astronomers a lot and says we're the coolest and he's our best friend so you should stop making fun of us.

Pluto is Now Just a Number: 134340
Why don't we just put Pluto in an internment camp while we're at it, you heartless bastards?

Happy Birthday, Ma!

It's my Mom's birthday today. My Mom is so great that when my friends meet her, they try to get her to adopt them. She's kind, generous, and has a big heart, even for psychotic cats, particularly a black one that no one else except my sister likes because the cat has crawlwed up from the depth of Hades to demand tuna...or else. Happy Birthday, Mom.

Room Huntin'

I've been responding to several group housing ads a day with little luck so far. One of my roommates said he has been getting a 1 in 10 response to his emails. I told him, "Well, that's what happens when you smell" but that was hypocritical of me to say as I'm getting the same ratio of responses. And I haven't showered in a week.

I got tired of sending a personalized email to each person, so I wrote script to scan the ad and incorporate the info into an automated response. Example:

"Hi, I'?m JASON. I saw your ad on CRAIGSLIST for the open room in your BUNGALOW/PLEASANTLY SIZED DWELLING. The description of your BUNGALOW/PLEASANTLY SIZED DWELLING sounds really nice. I'?ve always wanted to live in your LIVELY IN A NON-THREATENING WAY neighborhood.

It seems like we also have a lot in common. For example, I share your interest in QUIRKY HOBBY I DON'?T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT BUT SAW A PBS SPECIAL ON LAST YEAR. I never thought I'?d find someone else in the D.C. area that shares my deep-held love for MATING HABITS OF THE MANATEE."

...

I walked by a car with a license plate that said, "IM GERI". That's the type of license plate that puts one on guard for mental retardation. If I were going to meet Geri, I wouldn't automatically assume cranial imparement. But I would keep some candy in my pocket, just in case.

"I'm Geri!"
"Yes you are. Have a Twizzler."

McDonalds Sign

Create Your Own McDoanlds Sign (although warning: the site is annyoingly preachy.)

Food Musings

You know why I like shrimp? Because they're great both hot and cold. No one ever complains about the temperature of shrimp. I warmed up a few shrimp in the toaster oven. I was in a rush, so when I took them out, they were half-hot and half-cold. Half-delicious? Nope. Full-D.

Few foods can lay claim to the temperature versatility of shrimp. Especially the prissy foods, like ice-cream and Hot Pockets.

On that note, I had ice-cream with ice in it recently, and it sucked. Wasn't too creamy either. Half-D at best.

Phraseology

Why is “one-trick pony” a derogatory term? Do you know what the average of tricks a pony knows? Zero. They’re not dogs, they’re ponies. If your pony can do anything besides look pretty and poop in the road, you have a good pony.

Get Some Self-Respect, Europe

Europe's first spacecraft to the moon ended its three-year mission Sunday by crashing into the lunar surface in a volcanic plane called the Lake of Excellence, to a round of applause in the mission control room in Germany.

It took you three years to fly to the moon, when your craft finally gets there it crashes, and you congratulate yourselves on your hard work? You even had the temerity to crash it in the Lake of Excellence, like its name would rub-off on the Crapship 2000. It didn't. Now the Lake of Excellence is the Lake of Excellence with Pieces of a Dirty European Ship in the Middle of It.

Also, have you considered exploring a more interesting place in the cosmos, such as "anywhere but the moon" or "not the closest object next to us""? The moon is ours. Or didn't you notice the flag we planted there almost 40 years ago. What are you going to do next, invent snap-on pants and Velcro? Sure, we lost the original recording of the moon landing, but we saw it on TV, so it's better than true.

Okay, ha ha. I'm done being facietious. The mission was designed for the craft to crash in the moon. Although now that I think about it, the fact that they designed the craft to crash is in some ways worse than if it happened accidentally. Objects hitting other objects is so Shoemaker-Levy.

Free $450 Dollars

No, really.

First off: I TAKE ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS IF YOU DECIDE TO DO THIS.

There might be a catch I'm missing. The company may go bankrupt in a week and take everyone's money. There is no such thing as a free lunch. Etc, etc, etc.

I did transfer about $1,600 to two sportsbetting sites though. I do a lot of dumb things though, so that should be more of a deterrant.

Here are the details.

Essentially, Mansion, a sportsbook site, is offering to match a $1,000 bet for anyone who places a bet on the Steelers in the Steelers/Dolphins Week 1 NFL game. You bet $1,100 ($1,000 bet + $100 fee). The Steelers win by more than the spread (5 points), you get $1,000. If they lose or win by the spread or less, they refund you the $1,100.

The way you guarantee winning something is by placing a bet on the Dolphins on another sportsbook site for about half that amount. So whatever happens, you win some money.

I was very hesitant to post this because while it looks legit, you can never tell with these things, and I would feel horrible if someone lost a lot of money because of this (it would take a while for me to feel horrible for you though because I would be feeling very horrible myself). But we're all adults and capable of making our own decisions and taking responsibility for them.

Scientists Offer Proof of 'Ether'

Oops! Typo. Scientists Offer Proof of 'Dark Matter' Even for a lay person, I'm unqualified to judge the probability that dark matter exists. It seems though that there are some similarities between the theory of dark matter and the theory of luminiferous ether, which was created in the late 19th century to patch up holes in the understanding at the time of how light works.

We know that there is a flaw with the current theory of the universe based on what we can observe. So either there is a flaw in the current theory, or there is a significant amount of matter out there that we cannot observe.

Well, both options could be true. And that would really suck. If I were a scientist and found out that not only is our theory of the universe fundamentally flawed, but there's a big chunk of the universe we can't even hope to see as well, I'd call it quits. "The Universe is made up of cotton candy. I'll be in Bermuda."

At the very least, the International Council of Science, or whatever the governing body that doesn't appear as the first link on Yahoo is, should change the name from "dark matter" to "we don't have a fucking clue." In the name of scientific accuracy, of course.

I'm Afraid To Do the Junior Jumble

It's called "The Jumble" now, but let's not fool ourselves. It's still the Junior Jumble. Right below the crossword puzzle. A mentally-challenged siren calling to me. "I'm easy! Come on. Pick up a crayon."

My ego holds me back. What if we can't finish it? "Of course we can finish it. We can complete a solid 25, 30% of the crossword puzzle now. Mostly without Google."

What if it takes more than 2 minutes? "Hey, remember what we said about comparing ourselves to others? Anyway, it won't. It's the Jumble. Sometimes they don't even bother to scramble the words. It's like, "You sit on this: CAHIR."

We're going to bumble.
"We won't bumble the Jumble."

I wonder if this is how my Dad thought about my Nintendo twenty years ago.

We're going to embarass ourselves.
"Come on, it's only two butons."

Animator vs. Animator

One of the most creative flash animations I've seen in a while (link from BoingBoing).

Dude, He Was Joking

From the WP "Snakes on a Plane" online chat:

Pleasantville, Va.: Aren't you concerned that our impressionable youth might get the wrong idea and think it's OK to let snakes loose on a flight? Must we relive The Money Train again? Who will think of the children?

Flex Alexander: Dude, it's a movie.

Anyone see the movie yet? I suspect it's best viewed with a large group of people. And while drunk.

Very drunk.

A Completely Untrue, Completely Weird Post That Will Only Be Somewhat Funny To People Who Play Quite a Bit of Poker

Last night, before the final table of the PS $215, Lee Jones dealt me Rules of the Game and a photo of Mike Sexton massaging his left nipple. I got busted by an Internet pro with severe combined immunodeficiency who had to roll to the kitchen in a rush before the toaster oven burned his Hot Pocket, so HE LET HIS DOG PLAY 72o. HOW THE GODDAM HELL DOES A DOG FLOP A STRAIGHT WITH 72o?!!! And then afterwards the dog has the audacity to paw, "Well, they were suited." NO THEY WEREN'T, YOU COLOR-BLIND BITCH.

Fuck Lee Jones! :)

:) :) :) ;) :0 :( >:(

^^^^^^^^^^^^^
DEAR EVERYONE UNDER 21. THESE ARE SMILEY FACES (AND FROWNY FACES). THEY USED TO EXIST BEFORE AIM HAD SMILEY GRAPHICS (AND FROWNY GRAPHICS). IN 1998, WE LIVED LIKE BARBARIANS. SO STOP WHINING WHNE YOUR EMAIL TAKES 15 MINUTES TO REACH YOUR FRIEND, WHO PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN A BUBBLE, AND YOUR BUBBLE DOESN'T HAVE WIRELESS.

CVS Is Turning Into My Mom

Yesterday, I wanted a snack, a small treat to myself for the end of a long an arduous day. I bought a can of Arizona Ice Tea and a bag, or perhaps two, or Hershey Kisses. Do you know what coupon the CVS gave me? $1.50 a purchase of vitamins.

Listen, CVS. I haven't bought a bottle of vitamins in over a year, and you know it. The only vitamin I need is Vitamin D--Deliciousness. So lay off my back and start spitting out the 1/2 off coupons for the Recess Pieces cups. Yes, I haven't attended recess in 18 years, but that's no reason why I should stop getting the pieces.

Sad vs. Absurd

Kitten who helped nab phony vet is killed by car

Well, at least the vet didn't kill her.

So That's Why We Call It Montana

Montaña is Spanish for "mountain".

...

I would have paid a pretty penny for it. Or two ugly pennies.

Wolf Turned Into Dog

Still browsing craigslist for potential rooms. Nothing too interesting since my last post, although I noticed that the hybrid-wolf guy now has a dog. I'm half-tempted to see the house, just so I can meet the pet and have this conversation:

ME: "Your dog looks different from most dogs. This is going to sound weird, but is there any way that he is half-wolf?"
RENTER: "Yes! That's amazing. How did you know?
ME: "I have a special connection with 'dogs'."
RENTER: "Why did you make the air quote sign when you said 'dogs'?"
ME: "I'M ON TO YOU, WOLF BOY!"

My, How Things Change

I was looking at my draft posts, the forgotten children of Pancake City. This one is from over a year ago:

"Sorry for the lack of posts the past few weeks. The slow pace will probably continue for a few weeks. I'm working on a freelance project plus doing a lot of dog walking."


A little depressing, no?

Samuel Jackson's Upcoming Movie

The allure of Samuel Jackson's upcoming movie is the hope that, one day, we will be able to say, "Yeah, it was a good movie, but it's no Snakes on a Plane."

Good Luck, Michele!

My sis Michele is taking the bar today (her birthday) and tomorrow. Wish her luck.

Moving Soon

There's a 95% chance I'm moving in the beginning of September. My roommates and I live in a house that's falling apart, and we're all in places in our lives where we want to obtain the American dream of living in a place with a fresh coat of paint.

I'm browsing ads on craigslist for places in Arlington or Alexandria. A lot of the places have "special features" that are always mentioned off-handedly at the bottom of the letter. Like...

"If you'd like to talk about it...please drop me an e-mail and tell me a bit about yourself. Here are a few pics...not the best as I need a fisheye lens...but you get the idea. Thanks and best of luck to us all. Oh, I have a wolf hybrid. He's very mellow and stays in my bedroom in the basement for the most part...so, no other pets...unless they are in aquariums...sorry."

PROSPECTIVE RENTER: "I like the place a lot, but I'm very concerned about the wolf hybrid. Is he, um, aggressive?"
OWNER: "Oh, no. Not at all. He's very relaxed. I keep him securely in the basement most of the time. You'll barely know he's here. "
PROSPECTIVE RENTER: "Sounds good. Just curious, what is he a hybrid of?"
OWNER: "Most of his fur his gray, but his head and tail is white."
PROSPECTIVE RENTER: "Wait. So by hybrid you mean his fur is two different colors?"
OWNER: "Oh, yeah. He's 100% wolf."
PROSPECTIVE RENTER: "Lovely. I gotta go."

Then there's the 2BR apartment looking for 4 roommates. For those who have fond memories of living in a dorm room.

One of my favorites: Club Kemper. I can't even tell if this is a real post. How did their old roommate make it to graduate school in that house?

Neighborhood Cat

There's a friendly, grey cat that roams around the neighborhood during the day. She nestles up to everyone that walks by her, and a few times she (successfully) snuck into my house when I opened the door and made herself at home.

A few days ago, she was sitting on the sidewalk, looking at a mother and her two daughters who were a few feet away. The Mom was panicky and had her arms around her children. "Stay back! Don't go near it!"

The cat cocked her head. The Mom realized it would take a valiant effort to protect her daughters from the ferocious beast. "Shoot, cat! Shoo!"

No response. Now before I give the conclusion to this story, I have to say that I have no idea why the cat's presence triggered a neurotic reaction. Or why, if the cat was so threatening, she and her daughters didn't "think outside the box" and walk around the cat.

Perhaps this was her first encounter with a feline. It would explain why, when "Shoo!" didn't work, she stepped towards the cat, raised her arms like a bear, and yelled, "DOG!"

I was watching this from across the street. It took me a few seconds to laugh because first I had to process the thought, "Did she just try to scare a cat away by yelling 'dog'?" Then, after a moment's reflection, the sweet realization of "Oh yes she did."

Any cat that would actually be scared by the threat of an imaginary dog would have a peculiar intelligence: smart enough to understand human language, yet dumb enough to be tricked by a childish ploy. A cat that would be able to get her paws in a finger trap, but not be able to get them out.

Eventually, the cat gave up on them and walked away. But she made sure to wait several seconds so the Mom wouldn't think it was because she was scared of the "dog".

Today's Weather Report

"The Washington D.C. area is under a heat advisory until 8:00 p.m. today. Sensitive groups, such as the elderly and children, should remain indoors as much as possible. Temperatures will be in the upper 90s, near 100. Oh, screw it. It's going to be 100. I want some ice cream."


Does anyone reading the blog have experience communicating with animals? I'm having trouble communicating with two Jack Russell terriers that I walk. What's dog speak for, "100 DEGREES IS NOT OPTIMAL SQUIRREL-CHASING CONDITIONS, YOU LOONY MUTTS." Just wondering.

Futurama Back?!

Why wasn't this the lead story on the evening news? Seriously. The only downside is that new episodes won't air until 2008.

Weirdess Spam Ever

Addressed to "monkeypee@gmail.com" which is kind of close to my real email address but not really (monkey.on.keyboard).

I was too slippery for them to catch me now.
on the surface of the ocean. His wings were ragged bars of lead, but the
the sidewalk on our left there was black bramble growing, and you could tell
You'd have a falcon's short wings!

Kind of nice, actually.

Headlines

Nevada passes rules to make boxing safer
Rule #1: No boxing.

Trees could grow in Antarctica within century
Finally: hope for the environment. Who says the environment is in trouble now, Al Gore?

Iran Referred to Security Council
Watch out, Iran. Once the motion passes the Secondary Meeting Committee, the First Teritary Committee, and the Head Auxillary Minor Major Committee, the First Pre-Meeting Meeting Committee is going to have a field day on you.

Cyber Security Post Still Unfilled (after a year)
What? It takes less time to find someone to work the fry machine at McDonalds.

Yucky Week So Far

• Basement flooded Sun. morning. Spent a few hours calling people to get the messed cleaned up.
• Ordered a new monitor online. It came in yesterday! With a huge crack in it.
• Found a charge on my credit card for a service (EFax) that I thought I cancelled months ago. It's my fault. When I wrote, "I would like to cancel my service" I forgot to include the four exclamation points + threat of bodily harm at the end (see user agreement, Section 11: "But what if I really want to cancel? Seriously. I want to cancel. Please. For the love of God.").
• Diarrhea Dog. Who then put her paws on my shirt. Then rolled over for a belly rub on her poop-crusted belly. Oh, I'll get right on that, Maggie. Right after I carry the tray in your crate out the door like a waiter in The Worst Restaurant Ever.
  
• (minor) One would that it would be unnecessary to write two 500-word emails to my property in a still-ongoing attempt to convince her that when she calls a contractor to come over to the house, it would be a good idea to let us know, instead of expect the contractor to do it. Which he didn't.
  

Kenny Boy

Does anyone else think that Ken Lay was desperately stuffing his mouth with doughnuts, fried chicken, and molasses for the past three months?

Today's Shopping List

* Two bags of Peanut M&Ms
* Two bags of Combos (one Pizzeria, one Cheddar Cheese)
* Two quarts of Power Ade (Red and yellow. The colors seem to have no connection to the flavor.)
* Box of Corn Pops
* Nutra-Grain bar (got to eat healthy)

I didn't bring a basket inside CVS, so I was carrying it all in my arms. I had a huge grin on my face. The best part was when this little kid, who could barely reach the handle bar of the cart he was pushing, saw me walk past him. He looked at my bounty in awe. Whoever said childhood is the happiess days of one's life never ate a lb. of Peanut M&Ms.

Where Are The Posts?

Where ARE the posts?

Good question. I don't know. I've been looking in every nook of my brain, but every time I find a chocolate-chip cookie and get distracted.

Honestly, don't expect anything substantial for the next few days, although I expect to have some time over the weekend to come up with at least a few entries.

Kind of a Post

Daily post...hmmm. Let’s see. Um, how about that local sports team? They’re really looking sporty this season.

I’m at a creative road bump at the moment. A more “kangarooy” writer would be able to hop right over the bump and throw her Joey at incoming traffic (to make an artistic statement about the horrible NBC show, Joey!”) But I am not a kangaroo. At the moment. I’m not tying myself down with genetic engineering progressing at the rate it is.

If I could be any animal for a week, it would be a monkey. There are a lot of people I want to throw poop at. Give me a pair of roller skates, a box of bran, and a pass to the President’s next public appearance, and we’re going to have some fun.

Second on the animal list: a bird. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s because—oh, wait. I got it. Pooping on people.

Man, I need some culture.

Third on the list: Grizzly bear. Do they really like honey? If so, how do they get their paws in the tiny jars? I will discover their secrets. And eat a filmmaker or two.

Fourth and last: Triceratops. With omni-directional spotlights on my horns. Wouldn’t it be great if an extinct creature returned to life, and it was already prepared to be mass marketed? Yes, it would! Tricera Tops ice-ceram! Pop the top and gobble down the three-horned flavor.

Post Schedule

In a way, it's odd to declare how many posts I'm going to write in the next day. Isn't the point of being an unpaid writer to write whatever, and whenever one wants? But it's the only way nowadays that motivates me to write, so...

I will be writing on days this week whose names are Greek or Norse in origin. I will NOT write a post on any day with a connection to a Roman god, and I NEVER WILL. Sorry Saturn, but Pancake City is taking the weekend off. Also, because I know nothing about Greek, Norse, or Roman mythology, except that Saturn fact I just looked up on Google, I will write a post every day from Tuesday to Friday, which may coincidentally fit the criteria mentioned above. if ti does, it is because I am a genius and I planned it that way.

Poker

Well, I managed to go for months without my first post about poker, but I need to put this on my web page to qualify for a free, online tournament:

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 6145316

This will probably be my first and last post about online poker. I've read other poker blogs. They're horrendously boring, and I love the game. Talking about poker to people who don't play is the equivalent of showing them your 500+ photos from your trip to Bangladesh. It's very interesting. For you.

The random rundown:

* I've been playing online for several months.
* I am not rich from playing.
* I am not poor from playing.
* Yes, I probably spend too much time playing.
* I know all the poker lingo, and I find it increasingly difficult not to use it in everyday conversation, especially “gg” and calling people donkeys.
* My favorite poker games are Follow the Fries, Big Slick, Who’s the Daddy?, and Red Ball #5.
* That was a poker joke! I made all those names up!
* This is why I don’t write about poker on the blog.
* When I started playing, I promised myself that if I ever lost my initial deposit, I would quit.
* That’s still true.
* Poker is closer to chess than roulette.
* Seriously. It requires math, psychology, deductive reasoning, emotional awareness, emotional control, and an ability to learn. It’s why I get annoyed when people consider it “gambling”.
* I’m not sure how much longer I will play. There are better ways to make money, but they are not as much fun.
* I still smile when I think of JJProdigy’s excuse when he got caught having multiple accounts: “It’s not my account. It’s my grandmother’s account.”
* Again, this is why I don’t write about poker on the blog.

Devil Day

[Scene: Satan is at his office desk, reviewing the quarterly torture reports.]

SATAN: [mumbling] “Whippings, down 2%. Boiling, down 7%. Sheesh, rack 352 is still busted?” [knock on door]. “Come in.”
EDWARD: “Sir, if I may have a moment of your time?”
SATAN: “Hurry up.”
EDWARD: “Well, I just wanted to say...HAPPY DEVIL DAY!!!”

Edward, Spike, Rock Man, Gary the Imp (the Gimp), Cerberus, and the Exploding Pixies rush in with what looks like a Fudgie the Whale ice-cream cake, red and black confetti, and party streamers.

EDWARD: “One, two three...” [all] “Hap-py Dev-il Day To Youuu, Hap-py Dev-il Day TO Youuu...”
SATAN: “What the hell is going on here!”

The party goers fall silent.

EDWARD: “My lord, it’s 6\6\06. Devil Day.”
GIMP: “You’re the devil. You’re my boss.”
SATAN: “Excuse me?”
GIMP: “Can we eat ice-cream now?”
EDWARD: “666. The devil’s number.”
PIXIES: [squeaking] “666! 666! 666!”
GIMP: “Hee hee. I like that song. 666! 666! 666!”
SATAN: “Somebody zip his mask up.”
EDWARD: “Sir, no!”
ROCK MAN: “Rock Man ‘Zip It Up’ Old School.”

Rock Man raises his fist and lowers it on Gary the Imp’s skull, knocking him unconscious.

EDWARD: “ ‘Zip It Up’ is the latest Rock Man slang for “crush stuff” ."
SATAN: “You want to send me an email, next time? Spike, Cerberus, take him out. Actually, everyone out. Except you, Edward.”

Everyone except Edward leaves.

EDWARD: “My lord, I was only trying to lighten up the atmosphere. Morale has been low ever since you removed Sulfur Friday’s, you know.”
SATAN: “666? The devil’s number?”
EDWARD: “Well, I can explain.”
SATAN: “What happened to five? I specifically told you over two millennium ago to make five my number.”
EDWARD: “Five didn’t test well.”
SATAN: “ ‘Didn’t test well?’ I’m the Lord of Freakin’ Darkness. It shouldn’t matter.”
EDWARD: “But humans use five all the time. High five. Nine to five. Hawaii Five-o. After a few dozen years, it lost its panache.”
SATAN: “ ‘Panache’? Edward, Rule #17.”
EDWARD: “Sorry, sir. No French in Hell.”
SATAN: “So now I’m stuck with 666?”
EDWARD: “I’m sorry.”
SATAN: “Well, I guess it could be worse. So when’s the next Devil Day?”
EDWARD: “Let’s see...” [Edward flips through his day planner] That’ll be...1000 years from now.”
SATAN: “Great. He gets one day every year, and I get one day every millennium. And they wonder why I’m bitter. [sighs] Bring over, Fudgie.”
EDWARD: “About Fudgie. I should warn you that—“
SATAN: “This isn’t Fudgie the Whale! This is Jonah and the Whale.”
EDWARD: “They were out of Fudgie. But this looks just like him, and the clerk told me that the carrot cake is delicious.”
SATAN: “Carrots? If I wanted to eat carrots, I’d go to heaven. Just leave. Give it to the Gimp when he wakes up. And tell him to unzip his mouth before he eats.”

Back to the Future

This is a placeholder for an upcoming post. I know it's a little silly, but it will help motivate me to write it when I get home today.

Bush Revives Gay Marriage Ban

It's nice to know that when everything is going wrong, you can still pick yourself up by bashing a gay person. We're the chocolate of bigots.

An Uncomfortable Conversation

While descending from the peak of Mount Everest, a mountain climber collapsed and his friends, thinking he was dead, left him behind.

Later, another climber check on him, found that he was still alive, and helped him make it to camp.

CLIMBER1: "Cheers, everyone! We did it!"
CLIMBER2: "To us!" [they clink champagne glasses and drink]
CLIMBER1: "Hey, you know who that looks like?"
CLIMBER2: "Where?"
CLIMBER1: "I swear that looks like...oh my God."
LINCOLN HALL: "Hello, guys."

[CLIMBER1 and CLIMBER2 smile uncomfortably]

CLIMBER1: "Lincoln! You're alive!"
CLIMBER2: "We're so happy to see you. We thought you were dead."
HALL: "I know. I saw your boots kick snow in my face as you left me behind."
CLIMBER1: "Yeah, about that. Look, we really thought you were dead."
CLIMBER2: "Super dead. We would have carried you back if you were just dead."
CLIMBER1: "You weren't moving at all. Or breathing."
CLIMBER2: "You looked lifeless."
HALL: "I was clinging to your leg for dear life, Charles. Before you shook me off."
CLIMBER2: "Oh, that was you?"
HALL: "Who did you think it was?"
CLIMBER2: "...Polar bear."
HALL: "YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS A POLAR BEAR CLINGING TO YOUR LEG ON THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST!"
CLIMBER2: [sheepish] "Or a penguin."
HALL: "I'm going to kill you guys."

How Dogs Find Disgusting Things To Eat

WORK DOG: “Hello. This is Doginos.”
HUNGRY DOG: “Hi. I’d like to order a crumpled-up tissue.”
WORK DOG: “Any toppings?”
HUNGRY DOG: “Yeah. Ants, chicken bones, and...hmm, how bout extra gum?”
WORK DOG: “That it?”
HUNGRY DOG: “That’s it.”
WORK DOG: “Okay. Your total is $5.97, and your order will be ready in ruffly 15 minutes. How would you like to pay for it?”
HUNGRY DOG: “My master’s credit card, of course.”
WORK DOG: “What’s the number?”
HUNGRY DOG: “Um....I can’t read. Can I just chew it for a few minutes?”
WORK DOG: “That’ll work. You can pick up your tissue by the tipped-over trashcan on the corner of Elm and Piedmont.”
HUNGRY DOG: “Excellent. I’ll drag my owner over there as soon as possible. Thanks.”

New Posts

I'll be writing a new post every day for the next five days, starting today.

Michele, my sister, went to see The Da Vinci Code last weekend. When the credits began rolling, a woman in front of her yelled, "That was good! The critics were wrong!"

Michele then yelled, "I'm Roger Ebert's wife! Fuck you!"

Okay, Michele didn't really say that. But why? I know you were thinking it. It's not like people were going to think, "That first lady, the one shouting to one in particular, she had a good point. But I don't know what Roger Ebert's wife was thinking about.

I don't understand the appeal of watching The Da Vinci Code for those who read the book. I look forward to movie adaptations of books that create a rich, elaborate world, particularly those of fantasy and science fiction. The Da Vinci Code's idea of cleverness is to use italics on evey page. (Seriously. Do you have the book with you? Open it. Any part. Italics. That's how you know he's thinking.)

What is interesting about the book are the ideas behind it, not the world constructed to support the ideas. Am I wrong? If you read the book and are looking forward to seeing the movie, tell me why.

The Washington D.C. version of "You Know You're A Redneck When..."

You know your legal defense is is trouble when...

Your supporters defend you by using a video clip from the Colbert Report.

Names

Have you ever overheard a person's name that is so weird that you feel compelled to turn around and look at the person, as if to confirm the name belongs to a human and not, for example, a turtle, or a dog?

"Hey, Pixel, wait up!" (Pixel?)

Well, that's how I felt yesterday when I overheard a dog owner talk to his dog, Bob.

Doggie Bag

I love dogs, but even I have standards. (thanks for the link, Addi)

Barbaro Can Stand!

(from the Washington Post, in regards to an accident at the Kentucky Derby)

"The news came as a huge relief to those who had stood vigil outside the hospital and to Barbaro's fan base, which had grown exponentially in number since the jockey's dominant victory at the Kentucky Derby on May 6."

Oops. I made a typo. The vigil wasn't held for a jockey. Barbaro is the horse.

I can understand the horse's owner and those who take care of him being deeply concerned. But that's not the image I get from "vigil." I picture a few dozen people holding candles and swaying back and forth to "Kum-ba-ya". Which, unless they are degenreate gamblers who took the over for the horse surviving, seems like an overreaction.

Starship Troopers

One of my best friends is moving to Kansas in several weeks. I knew he was moving, but I didn't know until last night that he would be traveling a lot in the meantime and might not see each other again until moving day, which he graciously offered me to spend some quality time with him by helping him move (thanks, bud).

I was feeling depressed when I got home and didn't want to go to bed sad. I cycled through the cable channels a few times before seeing that Starship Troopers was on, and decided to watch it for a while.

(See what you drove me to, Sean?)

Some critics liked the movie, but many of them lambasted Starship Troopers as a horrible film. I can see where the critics are coming from. The acting is wooden, the characters one-dimensional, the plot uninventive, and the special events aren't even that well done.

I found though that the movie is more odd than bad. The movie takes place in the future, where people are blissfully unaware that they live in an authoritarian society. A group of presumably high-school students are graduating and deciding which branch of the military to join (although the positions are described using the language of civic responsibility, like calling a soldier a "citizen").

There is a race of alien bugs in a galaxy that the government says has the power to go from planet to planet and hurl asteroids at Earth. When an asteroid hits Buenos Aeries, the planet, whipped into a fury with the help of the media, mobilizes for war against the bugs.

What's odd is that all of the obvious flaws in the movie--the stereotypical characters, hackneyed dialogue and relationships, unsophisticated plot--are deliberate. Even the makeup on the actors seems deliberately over-applied.

But the movie almost never winks at the viewer to say "we're poking fun at something else" or gives much of a hint as to the purpose of using this style. The only easily noticeable nudge to the audience is the periodic news telecasts, done in the style of 1950s American or Soviet propaganda commercials.

I could only watch half of the movie, so I may have missed the point, but I came away thinking that the movie was a propaganda movie about propaganda. It used all the simple tricks and trades employed by propaganda makers of years ago to make fun of the type of society that could create such propaganda.

It's akin to someone parodying poor writing by copying the bad writing instead of writing poorly in a clever way.

I still don't think it is a good movie, because there has to be some distance between what you create and what you are parodying, or you're no longer parodying the subject. You're emulating it. But there is a sort of sophistication behind the movie that makes it more interesting than it appears at first glance.

I can't recommend that people watch it because I gave up on the movie midday through. It's difficult to watch, and I didn't have the sense that the director was moving towards a larger point that would justify the style he chose in making the movie. If I'm wrong, let me know and I'll rent it and finish watching.

France Photos

I broke down and bought a Flickr Pro account a few days ago, so I'll be putting up more photos. Family and anyone else who's interested: here are the photos of when Tina and I went to France. I might add some comments to them in a few days, but the France photos don't particularly lend themselves to comedy.

Update: Actually, I will add comments in a day or two. I'll view it as a comedy challenge: making the French funny. All I need now is some fish, a gun, and a barrel.

Pancake City Contest

The 2006 J-Wal Mix CD Extravaganza (Pt. 1) has just been released, and you can win a free copy.

In conjuction with Pancake City's music label, the Sounds of Syrup, we are giving away one (1) free, autographed copy of the latest release from J-Wal to anyone living in the continental United States. Except Idaho. Sorry, I just don't trust you guys.

The first person who leaves a comment in this post will win the CD. Good luck. (Offer not valid for anyone who has received a pre-release copy).

Full Metal Alchemist

Does anyone watch this show? It's a cartoon drama that airs weekly on The Cartoon Network at night. I watched a few epsidoes, and so far, I'm very impressed. The storytelling and writing is better than most of what is on TV, animated or otherwise. I'm thinking of subscribing to NetFlix just to watch the episodes.

You Know, I Do Work During the Day

Okay, part of the day. But if you think I'm going to wake up before 10:00 A.M. just to write a blog entry, you're crazier than my employer who expects me to be at work by 10:00 A.M. And my employer is the Federation Moon Patrol, president: Capt. Crazy Pants. EASTERN STANDARD TIME DOESN'T EXIST IN SPACE! AND STOP PUTTING YOUR MOON PANTS ON YOUR HEAD.

I got a postcard today for "The Largest and Most Exciting Stamp Show in the World." Raise the roof, United States Postal Service. On the postcard are pictures of two stamps: "Tallest Geyser" with a gushing geyser, and "Most Active Volcano". an exploding volcano. Okay, okay, we get it! Why don't you add an image of a train going through a tunnel while you're at it? Pervs.

Show highlights on the back:

* See the world's most valuable stamps and watch as 80 new postage stamps are issued! You could have had me at 20 new postage stamps. But thanks for the gravy.

* Meet Ranger Rick, Postman Pat. Mr. ZIP, and other SURPRISE guests. (Who? Who? Who? Let me guess: Lenny Letter and Alan Thicke.)

This is the first mail I've gotten from the postal service in months. Which is weird, because it's free for them. Well, free like how printing paper from the office supply closet is free. But free enough. If I could send free mail, I'd send a letter every day. I wouldn't even address the letter. I'd just send it to everyone. It'll get to the right person eventually. Everyone else can throw it away.

I'd send anonymous letters to complete strangers, just to confuse them.

"Thanks for the tea bag! As promised, here it is. -- Larry."

"Dogs love you. Except dogs named Ronaldo. Grrrr."

"WHY DID YOU OPEN ME!!! I was having the most wonderful dream."

Well, it's 4:30 p.m. Time for my first nap.