Why Voting Is Like Sex...IN 2084!!!

You have to wait in line to do it

You can only do it once every 4 years

It involves pressing lots of buttons on a screen

The actual process takes 15 seconds

There is absolutely no need for a Bush or a Dick

You get a sticker when you're finished

You will be told how everyone else did it later that night

Best Argument I've Heard for a Strong Youth Vote

(from a letter to Salon.com)

I will concede without too much doubt, that dukes is right, the youth vote is going to play big in this election. Besides, when have you ever seen Puffy jump into a fight that he knew he couldn't absolutely win? It's a nice way for the Puffster to do a "civic," "nonpartisan" service and put those old gun charges to rest for real.

South Park's take on Puffy's "Vote or Die" campaign Wednesday night was hilarious.

Local Man Definitely Moving To Canada This Time If Bush Wins

Madison, WI-- Dwayne Jones announced to his roommates yesterday that if President Bush gets reelected, he is "definitely move to Canada" this time.

"I'm outta here, man" said Jones. "If the dude is still in the White House on Nov. 3^rd, start looking for a new roommate."

Jones, who previously said he would move to Canada after the 2000 election, the invasion of Iraq, and the first Presidential debate, claims his strengthened resolve will carry him through.

"I'm fucking serious this time," said Jones. "I called my friend in Vancouver yesterday and he said it would be totally cool if I came up to chill. And my sister has a suitcase she almost never uses that I could borrow."

In spite of Jones' enthusiasm, some of his roommates remain skeptical about Jones' plans.

"He's always saying he's going to leave for Canada," said Andrew Griffin. "He can't even leave the Xbox. And he keeps turning up the heat to 75 degrees when I'm not looking. How's he going to survive in Canada?"

If Jones has heard any of this criticism, he has not let it sway him. During a commercial break for Half-Baked on Comedy Central, Jones visited the Greyhound website, bookmarked the site, and made a note to check the price on a one-way fare once the movie was over.

Do you know what's sad?

I can't believe I just realized this.

It's all a joke.

It's all a fucking in-joke.

George W. Bush or Dan Quayle

1. I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
2. [about getting into The National Guard] There was no influence used. I didn't have to use any influence because before I applied, there were openings, when I applied, there were openings, and after I applied, there were openings. Those are the facts. And if you're interested in the facts, there they are.
3. Vietnam is a jungle. You had jungle warfare. Kuwait, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, you have sand. [There is no need to worry about a protracted war because] from a historical basis, Middle East conflicts do not last a long time.
4. [Presidential Candidate's] tax-and-spend policies will create a recession in America.
5. It's a good Supreme Court. They're lawyers... they're judges... they're appointed for life.
6. If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.
7. We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
8. I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
9. [talking about homosexuality] My viewpoint is that it's more of a choice than a biological situation... I think it is a wrong choice. It is a wrong; it is a wrong choice. I do believe in most cases it certainly is a choice.
10. [on the concept of a manned mission to Mars.] [It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
11. I want to show you an optimistic sign that things are beginning to turn around.
12. "Do you have blacks, too?"
13. If you listen to the news, read the news, you'd think we were still in a recession. Well, we're not in a recession. We've had growth; people need to know that. They need to be more upbeat, more positive….
14. America is great, because America is free.
15. My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right.
16. We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
17. Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a -- it is different than the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.
18. I love to bring people into the oval office...and say, this is where I office.
    

Compare and Contrast

1. Edward Zabala, the employee of the restaurant who took the [---'s] money, said he paid $39.30.

Zabala said the bill should have been $42.95 but he charged [---] less because he was "caught up in the moment."

"I was nervous," Zabala told CNN.

[---] did not leave tip for the to-go order, but Zabala said one was not expected.

2. "There. I paid for my ice tea and I even left you a penny."

[---]at Bob's Big Boy in Claymont, DE. The waitress who served [---] said he had given the cashier $1.00 for a 99 cent iced tea, said this, and then laughed. On a stop to a Delaware restaurant, in Feb. 1992, [---] bought a coffee at Dempsey's Diner and left no tip whatsoever. On that occasion, he had just come from a $500 a plate fundraiser at the Hotel Du Pont.

And an easy bonus

Our trick, Rush -- not a trick, our challenge -- our challenge is to make the American people comfortable with the leadership George Bush will offer in the next four years.

(source for Bush quotes)
(source for Quayle quotes)

Answers in comments.

Mo Rocca

His online chat about his new book on Presidential pets is very funny. Although I think he wrote all of the questions himself.

Mt. Rainier, Md.: Mo, I love horses. Does Bush have horses on his ranch, and does he know how to ride them? Did any other presidents love riding horses?

Mo Rocca: Bush accidentally ran over his horse with his SUV.

Tractor Guy

A North Carolina tobacco farmer is in a stand-off with police after driving his tractor into a pond on the Mall. Maybe he's just a really bad driver and thought, "Well, now that I'm here..."

Two great gems have come from the story so far:
1. Name of the U.S. Park Police spokesman: Scott Fear.
2. A comment from Watson's neighbor: "She believes Watson is 'trying to make a point' about the government's tobacco policy. She says she believes Watson isn't a crazy person, adding that he's 'just been pushed to the edge.' "

If this doesn't count as crazy in North Carolina, then what does? Driving into a pond and smoking menthols? And this isn't spur of the moment craziness. This guy was going 55 tops driving up here in a rundown jeep with a tractor attached. He has been crazy at Denny's, crazy at the Motel 6, crazy buying Breakfast Bites at 7-11... He should have abducted a couple teenagers along the way and combined two stories into one.

Eventually, the police are going to get tired of the standoff, toss him a turban, and shoot him.
"Hey, Akmed. Catch."
"Akmed? Why are you calling me--uh oh."