Equality got some assistance from an unlikely source. A Ku Klux Klan group has asked for a permit to demonstrate in support of Augusta National Golf Club's right to an all-male membership. Augusta granted the permit, but said only male Klan members could protest.
Okay, I made the last sentence up. But when the KKK thinks you’re doing something kool, it’s time to give what you’re doing a second thought. They’re like a morality shorthand. If you don’t have time to analyze the opinions of both sides, filter each opinion for bias, and determine how their arguments mesh with your own concepts of freedom and personal liberty, just see what the KKK thinks about it.
The KKK could even start a business where groups hire the organization to support their opponents.
“KKK Supports War in Iraq”
“KKK Praises New NBC Lineup”
“KKK Loves McDonalds’ Tasty Chicken Sandwich; Vows Never To Eat at Burger King”
February 28, 2003
Speech Link
Mr. Rogers gave a great speech last June at Dartmouth, his alma matter. Reading it was like being a kid again and watching his show.
Goodbye, Mr. Rogers
"When I was in kindergarten, I was pushed into a water fountain, and split my lip open. I had to go to the hospital to get stitches, but instead of being scared, I was just really excited, since everything I saw was just like the "Going to the Hospital" episode of Mr. Rogers I has seen earlier that week.
My mom wrote a letter to Mr. Rogers thanking him for his show helping me through what could've been quite a traumatic experience, and Mr. Rogers actually wrote back two letters, one signed "Fred Rogers" that was addressed to my mom, and one signed "Mr. Rogers" that was addressed to me." (commenter on Fark)
I wasn't planning on writing anything about Mr. Rogers, but I was reading comments about him on Fark, like the one above, and it made me emotional to see how many people he touched.
I think there are no good or bad people, only people who do good or bad actions. Mr. Rogers may be the one exception to this rule. Over the years, everything I read about him suggests that he devoted his total energy to being kind to others, to understanding people's suffering and easing it at the same time. Mr. Rogers’ warmth and sensitivity towards other people was so great that I can conceive of him being one of the few people able to resist, every day, the desires to be mean or hurtful that we all get because of the pain it would cause someone.
Everyone has flaws, but the image I have of Mr. Rogers is that he overcame the negative part of human nature as much as any human can. Maybe there exists a saccharine image of him in the media, but I’ve read so many personal stories that suggest otherwise. I still hold onto my belief that there are no good or bad people, only people who do good or bad actions. But it’s a belief that Mr. Rogers has shaken, if even for just a little.
My mom wrote a letter to Mr. Rogers thanking him for his show helping me through what could've been quite a traumatic experience, and Mr. Rogers actually wrote back two letters, one signed "Fred Rogers" that was addressed to my mom, and one signed "Mr. Rogers" that was addressed to me." (commenter on Fark)
I wasn't planning on writing anything about Mr. Rogers, but I was reading comments about him on Fark, like the one above, and it made me emotional to see how many people he touched.
I think there are no good or bad people, only people who do good or bad actions. Mr. Rogers may be the one exception to this rule. Over the years, everything I read about him suggests that he devoted his total energy to being kind to others, to understanding people's suffering and easing it at the same time. Mr. Rogers’ warmth and sensitivity towards other people was so great that I can conceive of him being one of the few people able to resist, every day, the desires to be mean or hurtful that we all get because of the pain it would cause someone.
Everyone has flaws, but the image I have of Mr. Rogers is that he overcame the negative part of human nature as much as any human can. Maybe there exists a saccharine image of him in the media, but I’ve read so many personal stories that suggest otherwise. I still hold onto my belief that there are no good or bad people, only people who do good or bad actions. But it’s a belief that Mr. Rogers has shaken, if even for just a little.
February 27, 2003
Etis Ynnuf
I’m putting this link up for two reasons. One, putting the link up falls under my extended definition of nepotism: family members, friends, friends of family members, family members of friends, and monkeys with lipstick. Friends of friends, and monkeys who don’t take the time to look pretty, go screw yourself.
The site is Zruwkcab, the blog of my friend Dan’s younger brother. The second reason I’m putting it up is that Dan Jr. is a talented, funny writer who, although only 16, has yet to succumb to the temptation to make cheap monkey jokes. How many of us could say that when we were sixteen?
The site is Zruwkcab, the blog of my friend Dan’s younger brother. The second reason I’m putting it up is that Dan Jr. is a talented, funny writer who, although only 16, has yet to succumb to the temptation to make cheap monkey jokes. How many of us could say that when we were sixteen?
Jibber-Jibber Snap Snap Kiss My Ass
Simon has a difficult job. All of the contestants on American Idol have developed a knee-jerk reaction to him no matter what he says after their performances.
RANDY: “It didn’t do anything for me, dawg.”
CONTESTANT: “Okay.”
PAULA: “I felt like you over sang the song. I’m sorry. But you’re really beautiful.”
CONTESTANT: “Thank you.”
SIMON: “It was—“
CONTESTANT: “WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME THAT I SUCK? I HAVE BEEN SINGING SINCE I WAS A SPERM AND AN EGG! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT WHO I AM. I MADE IT THIS FAR AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO STOP ME! [snaps fingers several times in the motion of an angry fly] [walks of stage to wildly cheering audience]
If I were Simon, I’d be even meaner to these people, like "That would have been great if you were singing out of your ass," or “If this were American Barnyard Animals, you’d be a winner.”
And you know what else? I’m sad that Frenchie got kicked off the show. Go ahead, make fun of me. Reality TV has affected my life and I’m not embarrassed to say it. I even signed a Save Frenchie petition, in spite of the fact that its wording did not fully capture all of the intricacies of the Frenchie situation. “You kicked off Frenchie because she is big. Your going to get something else big if you don’t bring her back: big trouble. And less big ratings.”
RANDY: “It didn’t do anything for me, dawg.”
CONTESTANT: “Okay.”
PAULA: “I felt like you over sang the song. I’m sorry. But you’re really beautiful.”
CONTESTANT: “Thank you.”
SIMON: “It was—“
CONTESTANT: “WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME THAT I SUCK? I HAVE BEEN SINGING SINCE I WAS A SPERM AND AN EGG! YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT WHO I AM. I MADE IT THIS FAR AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO STOP ME! [snaps fingers several times in the motion of an angry fly] [walks of stage to wildly cheering audience]
If I were Simon, I’d be even meaner to these people, like "That would have been great if you were singing out of your ass," or “If this were American Barnyard Animals, you’d be a winner.”
And you know what else? I’m sad that Frenchie got kicked off the show. Go ahead, make fun of me. Reality TV has affected my life and I’m not embarrassed to say it. I even signed a Save Frenchie petition, in spite of the fact that its wording did not fully capture all of the intricacies of the Frenchie situation. “You kicked off Frenchie because she is big. Your going to get something else big if you don’t bring her back: big trouble. And less big ratings.”
February 26, 2003
Get out of our school, Grease Monkey!
"The dean of students at Paul VI Catholic High School in Fairfax County resigned this week after his name and photo were discovered on sexually suggestive Web sites devoted to leather, motorcycles and heterosexuality." (Washington Post article)
Oops. I mean homosexuality. Although I'm sure that doesn't make a difference. This article also contains the Quote of the Week:
School officials said the Web sites were discovered by a Paul VI alumnus who was doing research for a college assignment on vegetarians.
"In the course of his research, a Web site came up of people who promote wearing leather," Shovlain said. "One of the people depicted was Mr. Santora."
Last week, at the dorm room of the Paul VI alumnus...
'Vegetarians vegetables'...55,100 hits! Damn it. 'Vegetarians hate meat'...7,770! I have to turn this in an hour. What else do vegetarians hate? Think Paul LVII, think. That's it! Leather! Vegetarians hate leather. But just to be safe: 'Vegetarians leather cock sucking'
Oops. I mean homosexuality. Although I'm sure that doesn't make a difference. This article also contains the Quote of the Week:
School officials said the Web sites were discovered by a Paul VI alumnus who was doing research for a college assignment on vegetarians.
"In the course of his research, a Web site came up of people who promote wearing leather," Shovlain said. "One of the people depicted was Mr. Santora."
Last week, at the dorm room of the Paul VI alumnus...
'Vegetarians vegetables'...55,100 hits! Damn it. 'Vegetarians hate meat'...7,770! I have to turn this in an hour. What else do vegetarians hate? Think Paul LVII, think. That's it! Leather! Vegetarians hate leather. But just to be safe: 'Vegetarians leather cock sucking'
Itsy-Bitsy Polk-a-dot Text
I found out a way to make text infinitesimally small. Check it out:
Cool, huh?
Cool, huh?
Dancing in the Sunflower Fields
Colin Powell spoke recently to a group of high school students for a program on BET. Powell on Iraq's nuclear weapons (real quote in italics):
POWELL: [justifying why we demand other nations to disarm while we keep our own nuclear stockpile] "...Iraq does not intend to use them for peaceful purposes but to be aggressive against other nations."
STUDENT: "Peaceful purposes?"
POWELL: "You know, like a whitewater raft. Or a coffee table. Perhaps even a tetherball pole."
STUDENT: "What about a mechanical bull?"
POWELL: "No, that’s too dangerous. [pauses to think] Well, maybe if it was set to buck at a low speed."
The quote is midway through Courtland Milloy's column.
POWELL: [justifying why we demand other nations to disarm while we keep our own nuclear stockpile] "...Iraq does not intend to use them for peaceful purposes but to be aggressive against other nations."
STUDENT: "Peaceful purposes?"
POWELL: "You know, like a whitewater raft. Or a coffee table. Perhaps even a tetherball pole."
STUDENT: "What about a mechanical bull?"
POWELL: "No, that’s too dangerous. [pauses to think] Well, maybe if it was set to buck at a low speed."
The quote is midway through Courtland Milloy's column.
Dropping Some Props
Thanks to tusultusest and Paste Punk for the recent links to Pancake City.
I can't wait until I become big enough so I can stop thanking other writers. Be warned, little people! The second I get a sliver of popularity, I'm buying a bottle of scotch and forgetting all of you. Plus my roots. And my family--especially my family. That's right Mom. The love and support you've shown me for 26 years isn't going to mean jack once the bling bling rolls in. Enjoy the biweekly phone calls while they last.
I can't wait until I become big enough so I can stop thanking other writers. Be warned, little people! The second I get a sliver of popularity, I'm buying a bottle of scotch and forgetting all of you. Plus my roots. And my family--especially my family. That's right Mom. The love and support you've shown me for 26 years isn't going to mean jack once the bling bling rolls in. Enjoy the biweekly phone calls while they last.
Strongman Competition
In a Strongman Competition, weightlifters compete against each other by performing Herculean, almost cartoonish feats of strength, like pulling chains, moving boulders, and lifting kegs. If they are going to do all that work, why don’t they do useful stuff, like shoveling snow, or helping people move? Instead of lifting a metal log, they could help someone parallel park by lifting his car into a space. Or instead of flipping a tire, why not give a tired fast-food employee a break and flip some burgers?
At least the competitions could be held in science classes. These guys are walking testaments to Newton. In lifting stuff solely for the sake of lifting it, they come as close as possible to the abstract ideals inherent in the laws of physics. Who could fail to love science after seeing a man pull a bus by the waist?
At least the competitions could be held in science classes. These guys are walking testaments to Newton. In lifting stuff solely for the sake of lifting it, they come as close as possible to the abstract ideals inherent in the laws of physics. Who could fail to love science after seeing a man pull a bus by the waist?
February 25, 2003
February 24, 2003
Dear Two People Who Visit My Site Regularly
(crap, this was supposed to go up yesterday)
A column and other new content is still in progress, the same way amazing works like "LotR: Return of the King" are in progress, and also many not-so-amazing works, like "Star Wars III: We've Given the Droids Pointy Ears". New content will be posted late Tuesday morning.
A column and other new content is still in progress, the same way amazing works like "LotR: Return of the King" are in progress, and also many not-so-amazing works, like "Star Wars III: We've Given the Droids Pointy Ears". New content will be posted late Tuesday morning.
February 23, 2003
Ignore This Post
"Jason Walther sure is a sexy beast" said Fred Flair, head of the Internation Committee on Sexiness.
...
(This is for the search engines. It's a small step towards my dream of being able to tell people, "If you want to find me on the Internet, search for sexy beast." There are currently 87,900 hits for ‘sexy beast’ on Google. Current beast factor: Prepubescent slug.)
...
(This is for the search engines. It's a small step towards my dream of being able to tell people, "If you want to find me on the Internet, search for sexy beast." There are currently 87,900 hits for ‘sexy beast’ on Google. Current beast factor: Prepubescent slug.)
February 21, 2003
February 19, 2003
Are You Ready?
The Department of Homeland Security today released their terrorism-readiness pamphlet, "Preparing Makes Sense. Get Ready Now." I already called for my copy (1-800-BE-READY | www.ready.gov). If you call, Tom Ridge’s warm, relevant voice will greet you and take you down to a mellow yellow.
The guide covers topics such as:
How To Survive a Nuclear Attack
How To Survive a Dirty Bomb
How To Survive a Well-Groomed Bomb
How To Survive a Biological Attack
How To Survive a Big Mac Attack
Caves: Friend or Foe?
How To Survive Loud Creaks in the Night
Survival Tips For Getting Duct-Tape Gum Off Your Walls
What Will Happen: Hints From Nostradamus
Oh Deer: Deciding To Stay or Go
How To Make a Gas Mask Out of a Coffee Filter, Ziploc Bag, and Roll of Toilet Paper
Moist Towelettes: Your Emergency Lifesaver
Quotes from the pamphlet:
“Terrorism forces us to make a choice. We can be afraid. Or we can be—“
Afraid! Afraid! Boogeyman bad!
“In all Cases, Remain Calm”
Mr. Ridge, my question is this: HOW CAN I REMAIN CALM WITH INCONSISTENT CAPITALIZATION?
The guide covers topics such as:
How To Survive a Nuclear Attack
How To Survive a Dirty Bomb
How To Survive a Well-Groomed Bomb
How To Survive a Biological Attack
How To Survive a Big Mac Attack
Caves: Friend or Foe?
How To Survive Loud Creaks in the Night
Survival Tips For Getting Duct-Tape Gum Off Your Walls
What Will Happen: Hints From Nostradamus
Oh Deer: Deciding To Stay or Go
How To Make a Gas Mask Out of a Coffee Filter, Ziploc Bag, and Roll of Toilet Paper
Moist Towelettes: Your Emergency Lifesaver
Quotes from the pamphlet:
“Terrorism forces us to make a choice. We can be afraid. Or we can be—“
Afraid! Afraid! Boogeyman bad!
“In all Cases, Remain Calm”
Mr. Ridge, my question is this: HOW CAN I REMAIN CALM WITH INCONSISTENT CAPITALIZATION?
Today's H.F.S.
(from today's Washington Post)
“One measure of VDOT's desperation over the weekend: It was hiring drivers off the street. One man who drives tour buses in the District showed up on Saturday, took a test on the spot and went right to work plowing snow. Such employ helped drive up the storm's cost; each driver was paid about $80 an hour.”
$80 an hour? HOLY FUCKING SHIT. For $80 an hour, they could have given me a beer hat and a gallon of hot chocolate and I would have urinated the snow away.
Are stories like this told solely to make unemployed people feel bad? No unemployed person wants to read “$80 an hour”, “off the street”, and "over the weekend" in the same paragraph. It’s like reading about an “All You Can Grab” sale at the jewelry store the day after. I feel like a chump. Maybe that’s the real reason rioters steal TVs and computers. Not out of greed or malice, but to avoid the sickening feeling of missing an opportunity.
Okay, it's probably greed. But that doesn't make me feel less chumpy.
“One measure of VDOT's desperation over the weekend: It was hiring drivers off the street. One man who drives tour buses in the District showed up on Saturday, took a test on the spot and went right to work plowing snow. Such employ helped drive up the storm's cost; each driver was paid about $80 an hour.”
$80 an hour? HOLY FUCKING SHIT. For $80 an hour, they could have given me a beer hat and a gallon of hot chocolate and I would have urinated the snow away.
Are stories like this told solely to make unemployed people feel bad? No unemployed person wants to read “$80 an hour”, “off the street”, and "over the weekend" in the same paragraph. It’s like reading about an “All You Can Grab” sale at the jewelry store the day after. I feel like a chump. Maybe that’s the real reason rioters steal TVs and computers. Not out of greed or malice, but to avoid the sickening feeling of missing an opportunity.
Okay, it's probably greed. But that doesn't make me feel less chumpy.
February 18, 2003
Scenes from Little Rock Penitentiary
(info from How to Save the World)
“The federal appeals court in St. Louis ruled yesterday that officials in Arkansas can force a prisoner on death row to take antipsychotic medication to make him sane enough to execute. Without the drugs, the prisoner, Charles Laverne Singleton, could not be put to death under a United States Supreme Court decision that prohibits the execution of the insane.” (NY Times, 2/11)
That day...
GUARD: “Ifyouareanevilmansaywhat?”
PRISONER: “What?”
GUARD: “You’re evil! We can kill you now.”
PRISONER: “What?!”
GUARD: “Now you’re super-evil. We get to beat you with a sack filled with wet hay, then kill you.”
PRISONER: “WHAT?”
GUARD: “Oh, god. I just soiled myself.”
PRISONER: “Don’t bother doc. My arm is numb. I can barely breathe. My time has come.”
DOCTOR: “No! I will not let you die under my care. You will make it for your execution tomorrow! [slaps prisoner] Do you hear me? Monday is not your day.”
GUARD: “Are you crazy or sane?”
PRISONER: “Moon pies! Moon pies!”
GUARD: “If you’re sane, say ‘moon pies!’ “
PRISONER: “There are too many pistachios.”
GUARD: “If you’re sane, say something crazy.”
PRISONER: “The Arkansas justice system is a reflection of the people who live there.”
GUARD: “...I heard ‘moon pies’. Come with me.”
“The federal appeals court in St. Louis ruled yesterday that officials in Arkansas can force a prisoner on death row to take antipsychotic medication to make him sane enough to execute. Without the drugs, the prisoner, Charles Laverne Singleton, could not be put to death under a United States Supreme Court decision that prohibits the execution of the insane.” (NY Times, 2/11)
That day...
GUARD: “Ifyouareanevilmansaywhat?”
PRISONER: “What?”
GUARD: “You’re evil! We can kill you now.”
PRISONER: “What?!”
GUARD: “Now you’re super-evil. We get to beat you with a sack filled with wet hay, then kill you.”
PRISONER: “WHAT?”
GUARD: “Oh, god. I just soiled myself.”
PRISONER: “Don’t bother doc. My arm is numb. I can barely breathe. My time has come.”
DOCTOR: “No! I will not let you die under my care. You will make it for your execution tomorrow! [slaps prisoner] Do you hear me? Monday is not your day.”
GUARD: “Are you crazy or sane?”
PRISONER: “Moon pies! Moon pies!”
GUARD: “If you’re sane, say ‘moon pies!’ “
PRISONER: “There are too many pistachios.”
GUARD: “If you’re sane, say something crazy.”
PRISONER: “The Arkansas justice system is a reflection of the people who live there.”
GUARD: “...I heard ‘moon pies’. Come with me.”
The IRS Mantra
I will continue to hold. My call is very important to them. If I hang up now, I may increase my wait time. Calls will be answered in the order that they are received. It is the way. Ohmmmmm…
February 17, 2003
Link Props
Thanks to Spam-o-Matic and Todd's Web Page for linking to me recently. I'm going to start the practice of periodically mentioning people who link to Pancake City. My web server is flaky, so let me know if I left you out.
Worst Thing I've Ever Written, According to Dan
"My sister Michele moved to California. I live in Virginia. One day, I will call her during breakfast and tell her why the East Toast is better than the West Toast."
Puns 1. Justice 0.
Puns 1. Justice 0.
February 16, 2003
Fun Calls To Make on February 15th
“Alexandria Floral.”
“I got an emergency. I need a dozen roses, a vase, and a time machine. And I can do without the vase.”
“Hello?”
“Sid Caesar?”
“Yes.”
“Beware the ides of February.”
“Excuse me?”
“Beware the ides of February. [ghostly moan] Ohhhhhh…”
“You mean yesterday?”
“…Beware two days after the ides of February. Ohhhhhh…”
Caesar Blog of the Week: Bloggus Caesari
(A blog written from the viewpoint of Julius Caesar. Very clever.)
“I got an emergency. I need a dozen roses, a vase, and a time machine. And I can do without the vase.”
“Hello?”
“Sid Caesar?”
“Yes.”
“Beware the ides of February.”
“Excuse me?”
“Beware the ides of February. [ghostly moan] Ohhhhhh…”
“You mean yesterday?”
“…Beware two days after the ides of February. Ohhhhhh…”
Caesar Blog of the Week: Bloggus Caesari
(A blog written from the viewpoint of Julius Caesar. Very clever.)
True Artists Suffer
I slept on a pen last night. After I got over the discomfort, I had a strong motivation to write. Tonight, I'm putting a wrench under my roommate's pillow. The hot and cold on our sink is reversed, and I don't feel like fixing it.
February 15, 2003
Snowstorm Driving Tips from The Washington Post: Real or Fake?
1. If you don’t have to go out, stay inside and off the roads.
2. Be careful when it snows. Snow is slippery.
3. Slow down. Posted speed limits are set for ideal driving conditions.
4. Every time your car skids, God kills a kitten.
5. Leave more room between your car and other vehicles on the road.
6. If you don’t want to flop, go easy on starts, turns and stops.
7. Similar to ‘hydroplaning’ your car can ‘snow-o-plane’. Be careful.
8. Make sure you be careful.
9. It’s important that you be very careful.
10. Run over an old lady. Just kidding! Be careful.
Answers: 1, 3, and 5 are true. 6 is half-true (I added ‘if you don’t want to flop’). 4 is true too, but it isn’t on The Washington Post’s site because they’re atheists. (original link)
2. Be careful when it snows. Snow is slippery.
3. Slow down. Posted speed limits are set for ideal driving conditions.
4. Every time your car skids, God kills a kitten.
5. Leave more room between your car and other vehicles on the road.
6. If you don’t want to flop, go easy on starts, turns and stops.
7. Similar to ‘hydroplaning’ your car can ‘snow-o-plane’. Be careful.
8. Make sure you be careful.
9. It’s important that you be very careful.
10. Run over an old lady. Just kidding! Be careful.
Answers: 1, 3, and 5 are true. 6 is half-true (I added ‘if you don’t want to flop’). 4 is true too, but it isn’t on The Washington Post’s site because they’re atheists. (original link)
February 14, 2003
Guess the Foreign Policy Relationship
Mom: “Go to your room.”
Jimmy: “No.”
Mom: “Go to your room.”
Jimmy: “No.”
Mom: “Go to your room.”
Jimmy: “No.”
Dad: “I’M GONNA VISIT YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND SLICE YOUR THROAT WHETHER YOU GO UPSTAIRS OR NOT!”
Jimmy: “So?”
Mom: “Harold! [whispers] We’re almost there. The 102nd time is the charm.”
Jimmy: “No.”
Mom: “Go to your room.”
Jimmy: “No.”
Mom: “Go to your room.”
Jimmy: “No.”
Dad: “I’M GONNA VISIT YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT AND SLICE YOUR THROAT WHETHER YOU GO UPSTAIRS OR NOT!”
Jimmy: “So?”
Mom: “Harold! [whispers] We’re almost there. The 102nd time is the charm.”
Best Mom Ever
My mom got me a box of Truffles for Valentine's Day. Thanks Mom. I love you.
I don't know if other gay people share my view, but I don't feel bad being single on Valentine's Day. Knowing I can't date 95% of the population takes some of the sting out of not being able to find someone. If I flip a coin a dozen times and never get tails, I feel like a freak. If I throw a dart and miss the 20, well, that's normal. Especially because I'm usually drunk when I play darts.
And if you majored in statistics, please don't email me with corrections. I know my probabilities are misleading and I have no desire to know what 5% of 6.3 billion is.
I don't know if other gay people share my view, but I don't feel bad being single on Valentine's Day. Knowing I can't date 95% of the population takes some of the sting out of not being able to find someone. If I flip a coin a dozen times and never get tails, I feel like a freak. If I throw a dart and miss the 20, well, that's normal. Especially because I'm usually drunk when I play darts.
And if you majored in statistics, please don't email me with corrections. I know my probabilities are misleading and I have no desire to know what 5% of 6.3 billion is.
February 13, 2003
Ask Ellie
What if your whole life were recorded and you could ask an intelligent search engine questions about your past? The search icon could be Ask Ellie, an elephant in a suit.
“Ellie, show me the moments where I learned not to trust people.”
You could see the time where your best friend stole your Snake Eyes figure and shoved you into your locker at school, deal with the memory, and feel comfortable buying GI Joes again.
You could obsessively relieve happy moments during depressions, irrefutably prove to your roommate that you took the trash out the last seven times, and explain to your friend both why you have trouble calling him back and refuse to go to the circus with him. (Ellie, load “Tied with Phone Cord by Murderous Clown,” ages 6 and 8.)
Having some bohemian buddies over for dinner? “Ellie, cue the 1998 Phish concert on the screen.” Then, remembering your parents are coming over: “The edited version.”
MOM: “What was that jump? What were you doing then?”
YOU: “Calm down. I was going to the bathroom.”
DAD: “Four times in 15 minutes?
YOU: “I drank a lot of water. I was trying not to dehydrate.”
And you could learn how your character was formed, down to the finest details. “Ellie, show me the moments from my childhood that I was kind to other people. What? File not found? You stupid elephant."
“Ellie, show me the moments where I learned not to trust people.”
You could see the time where your best friend stole your Snake Eyes figure and shoved you into your locker at school, deal with the memory, and feel comfortable buying GI Joes again.
You could obsessively relieve happy moments during depressions, irrefutably prove to your roommate that you took the trash out the last seven times, and explain to your friend both why you have trouble calling him back and refuse to go to the circus with him. (Ellie, load “Tied with Phone Cord by Murderous Clown,” ages 6 and 8.)
Having some bohemian buddies over for dinner? “Ellie, cue the 1998 Phish concert on the screen.” Then, remembering your parents are coming over: “The edited version.”
MOM: “What was that jump? What were you doing then?”
YOU: “Calm down. I was going to the bathroom.”
DAD: “Four times in 15 minutes?
YOU: “I drank a lot of water. I was trying not to dehydrate.”
And you could learn how your character was formed, down to the finest details. “Ellie, show me the moments from my childhood that I was kind to other people. What? File not found? You stupid elephant."
Déjà vu
I get déjà vu often, and sometimes it’s so powerful that I wonder if it’s real. For example, yesterday I got a rebate check from the IRS. I could have sworn I just got a check for the same amount recently.
Thanks Government!
I got a letter from the IRS last month saying that they forgot to send me my rebate check from the 2001 tax cut. I got the check last week. Then I got a duplicate check. Thanks government! Keep ‘em coming!
For those of you who are wondering about my character, yes, I’m going to call the IRS and tell them they sent me a duplicate check. That’s the honest…oops! Brain freeze! I forgot I received the first check, and everything I wrote before this period.
For those of you who are wondering about my character, yes, I’m going to call the IRS and tell them they sent me a duplicate check. That’s the honest…oops! Brain freeze! I forgot I received the first check, and everything I wrote before this period.
February 12, 2003
The Incredible Public
From an article on a recent Washington Post-ABC News poll (2/11):
“A majority of Americans support attacking Iraq even without the approval of the United Nations, provided that the United States has the backing of some key allies…”
[later in article]
(italics mine) “Fifty-six percent said they oppose the postwar rebuilding efforts in Iraq if the United States would have to keep troops in the country for several years and spend $15 billion a year, the most conservative publicly available estimates of what it would take to stabilize a post-Hussein Iraq.”
I was able to get a transcript of one of the polls from my informant, Deep Throat, who is David Gergen.
POLLSTER: “Do you support an U.N. approved war against Iraq?”
INCREDIBLE HULK: “Yes! Hulk smash!”
POLLSTER: “Okay... What if the U.N. Security Council objects but the United States is supported by close allies such as Britain, Australia, and Italy?"
INCREDIBLE HULK: “Hulk don’t need stinky French. Hulk smash!”
POLLSTER: “Last question. Do you support rebuilding Iraq after the war?”
INCREDIBLE HULK: “Depends. Can we smash again later?”
POLLSTER: “Uh, no.”
INCREDIBLE HULK: “Lack of smashing make Hulk angry. Hulk smash!”
“A majority of Americans support attacking Iraq even without the approval of the United Nations, provided that the United States has the backing of some key allies…”
[later in article]
(italics mine) “Fifty-six percent said they oppose the postwar rebuilding efforts in Iraq if the United States would have to keep troops in the country for several years and spend $15 billion a year, the most conservative publicly available estimates of what it would take to stabilize a post-Hussein Iraq.”
I was able to get a transcript of one of the polls from my informant, Deep Throat, who is David Gergen.
POLLSTER: “Do you support an U.N. approved war against Iraq?”
INCREDIBLE HULK: “Yes! Hulk smash!”
POLLSTER: “Okay... What if the U.N. Security Council objects but the United States is supported by close allies such as Britain, Australia, and Italy?"
INCREDIBLE HULK: “Hulk don’t need stinky French. Hulk smash!”
POLLSTER: “Last question. Do you support rebuilding Iraq after the war?”
INCREDIBLE HULK: “Depends. Can we smash again later?”
POLLSTER: “Uh, no.”
INCREDIBLE HULK: “Lack of smashing make Hulk angry. Hulk smash!”
February 11, 2003
The Wonderful World of Disney
I just saw a commercial where a little girl brings a firefly in a jar—with a few pin-sized air holes—to her parents. “It’s Tinkerbell!” the little cherub explains.
But her parents are concerned. “You should let her go.”
“Why?”
The parents exchange mischievous glances. “Because if you do, maybe we can visit her in her home.”
The sadistic tot ponders this offer and lets the firefly go, which flutters around her head, soars up past the trees, and HOLY SHIT DISNEY WORLD IS IN THE SKY! Hurry, go back to the family! Their lives are in danger!
Do the parents have mammoth heart attacks after seeing 1,152,000 sq. feet of flying castle, which they thought was grounded in Florida, hovering above over their two-story brick rambler? Does their daughter laugh when they drop dead and try to put them in a jar?
I don’t know because Disney doesn’t give a damn about families. The commercial ends with “Disney World” over the castle. For all we know, Mickey drags the bodies out of sight during the last VO, sticks a Daisy Duck costume over the girl, and chortles, “I’m getting a finders bonus.”
And what about the parents’ promise to their daughter, “maybe we can visit her in her home.” That’s great for fireflies. But what if your little runt captures a snake? What are you going to do, trick Captain Hook into swinging the flying castle over the Florida Everglades, kick him in the nuts, parachute off the ship and hopefully land before Dumbo can fire a volley of peanuts through your chute?
How about this parenting tip: creatures need abundant air or they die. Average parents hint at rewards for treating other creatures with respect. Great parents clip a cloth pin on their daughter’s nose, put her in a trashcan and dump a bag of grass clippings on her.
“You can go when ‘Tinkerbell’ goes, sweetie. Just munch on the grass if you get hungry.”
But her parents are concerned. “You should let her go.”
“Why?”
The parents exchange mischievous glances. “Because if you do, maybe we can visit her in her home.”
The sadistic tot ponders this offer and lets the firefly go, which flutters around her head, soars up past the trees, and HOLY SHIT DISNEY WORLD IS IN THE SKY! Hurry, go back to the family! Their lives are in danger!
Do the parents have mammoth heart attacks after seeing 1,152,000 sq. feet of flying castle, which they thought was grounded in Florida, hovering above over their two-story brick rambler? Does their daughter laugh when they drop dead and try to put them in a jar?
I don’t know because Disney doesn’t give a damn about families. The commercial ends with “Disney World” over the castle. For all we know, Mickey drags the bodies out of sight during the last VO, sticks a Daisy Duck costume over the girl, and chortles, “I’m getting a finders bonus.”
And what about the parents’ promise to their daughter, “maybe we can visit her in her home.” That’s great for fireflies. But what if your little runt captures a snake? What are you going to do, trick Captain Hook into swinging the flying castle over the Florida Everglades, kick him in the nuts, parachute off the ship and hopefully land before Dumbo can fire a volley of peanuts through your chute?
How about this parenting tip: creatures need abundant air or they die. Average parents hint at rewards for treating other creatures with respect. Great parents clip a cloth pin on their daughter’s nose, put her in a trashcan and dump a bag of grass clippings on her.
“You can go when ‘Tinkerbell’ goes, sweetie. Just munch on the grass if you get hungry.”
MALONE!
Thanks to Andrew for encouraging me to post today. His middle name is 'Lindemann'. Does anyone know what that means? I think he made it up. Andrew has a funny interview with Method Man and Red Man about their movie "How High" that you should check out.
February 10, 2003
Do You Feel Different?
Have you ever felt different from everyone else, like you’re always out of place and even your closest friends don’t understand who you really are? Me neither! Let’s go down to our local tavern and drink a Heineken.
February 07, 2003
Hussein at the Yuk-Yuk Factory
President says Hussein has "treated the demands of the world as a joke."
(headline from the Washington Post)
DEFENSE MINSITER: “Sir, Bush called again for you to give up our weapons of mass destruction.
HUSSEIN: I got his weapons of mass destruction right here. [Hussein pulls down pants, gyrates hips] Two A-bombs and a Scud missile. Oh yeah!
DEFENSE MINSITER: “Saddam, this is serious. Pull up your pants.”
HUSSEIN: “No radar is gonna detect this rocket. [thrusts pelvis] I got 1 million troops, ready for action.”
DEFENSE MINSITER: “Mr. Hussein—”
HUSSEIN: “It’s cold in here. Retreat, retreat!”
DEFENSE MINSITER: “Mr. Hussein!”
HUSSEIN: “Ahmed, relax. Bush is only serious when he messes a phrase up. We still have months.”
FOREIGN AFFAIRS MINISTER: [runs into room] “Your excellency! Bush just said that you ‘are an evil man, whose destruction must be erased immediately.’ “
HUSSEIN: “I hate wearing pants.”
(headline from the Washington Post)
DEFENSE MINSITER: “Sir, Bush called again for you to give up our weapons of mass destruction.
HUSSEIN: I got his weapons of mass destruction right here. [Hussein pulls down pants, gyrates hips] Two A-bombs and a Scud missile. Oh yeah!
DEFENSE MINSITER: “Saddam, this is serious. Pull up your pants.”
HUSSEIN: “No radar is gonna detect this rocket. [thrusts pelvis] I got 1 million troops, ready for action.”
DEFENSE MINSITER: “Mr. Hussein—”
HUSSEIN: “It’s cold in here. Retreat, retreat!”
DEFENSE MINSITER: “Mr. Hussein!”
HUSSEIN: “Ahmed, relax. Bush is only serious when he messes a phrase up. We still have months.”
FOREIGN AFFAIRS MINISTER: [runs into room] “Your excellency! Bush just said that you ‘are an evil man, whose destruction must be erased immediately.’ “
HUSSEIN: “I hate wearing pants.”
Why I'm Not a Philosopher
If God smelled like poop, would we wear diapers? What about the rest of God's creatures, like prairie dogs? (please refrain from mocking my Photoshop skillz)
Move Over Plato and Frodo
This is a really cool invention. It's a projection system that creates the illusion of transparency. Check out the researcher's home page--it gives a more accurate explanation of the device than Yahoo.
Interesting note: One of the research team's publications is called "Ghost in the Shell." This is just a coincidence, but remember the invisible jacket in the movie?
Interesting note: One of the research team's publications is called "Ghost in the Shell." This is just a coincidence, but remember the invisible jacket in the movie?
February 06, 2003
The Bachelor
The Bachelor’s engagement is over. America cries.
Husband: I found out about you and Karl. I followed him to his condo last night. And I killed him.
Wife: NO, NOT THE BACHELOR, NOOOOOOOO!
Scientist: Ladies and gentlemen of the press. This little box will revolutionize music. It has the ability to convert any pop song created in the last ten years into a fugue indistinguishable from the works of Bach. It took me 20 years to invent. Once it warms up, I’ll—
Reporter: Dr. Frinkle? Your machine is on fire.
Scientist: NO, NOT THE BACHELOR, NOOOOOOOO!
Dad: Thomas, it’s your turn to guess.
Brother: Yeah, hurry up retard.
Dad: Don’t call him that!
Brother: I’m tired of playing Clue with him.
Dad: He’ll do fine this time. He just needs some gentle guidance. Go on, Thomas.
Thomas: The bachelor did it. With the spoon.
Dad: NO, NOT THE BACHELOR, NOOOOOOOO!
Husband: I found out about you and Karl. I followed him to his condo last night. And I killed him.
Wife: NO, NOT THE BACHELOR, NOOOOOOOO!
Scientist: Ladies and gentlemen of the press. This little box will revolutionize music. It has the ability to convert any pop song created in the last ten years into a fugue indistinguishable from the works of Bach. It took me 20 years to invent. Once it warms up, I’ll—
Reporter: Dr. Frinkle? Your machine is on fire.
Scientist: NO, NOT THE BACHELOR, NOOOOOOOO!
Dad: Thomas, it’s your turn to guess.
Brother: Yeah, hurry up retard.
Dad: Don’t call him that!
Brother: I’m tired of playing Clue with him.
Dad: He’ll do fine this time. He just needs some gentle guidance. Go on, Thomas.
Thomas: The bachelor did it. With the spoon.
Dad: NO, NOT THE BACHELOR, NOOOOOOOO!
February 05, 2003
Bling Bling Jokes
“Bling bling.”
“Who’s there?”
“Master P.”
“Master P. who?”
“If you tell me I stink again, I’ll kill you.”
“Bling bling.”
“Who’s there?”
“Eminem.”
“Eminem who?”
“Eminem melts in your mouth, not in your hand. Bitch.”
“Bling bling.”
“Who’s there?”
“The Notorious BIG.”
“The Notorious BIG who?”
“I’m dead.”
“Who’s there?”
“Master P.”
“Master P. who?”
“If you tell me I stink again, I’ll kill you.”
“Bling bling.”
“Who’s there?”
“Eminem.”
“Eminem who?”
“Eminem melts in your mouth, not in your hand. Bitch.”
“Bling bling.”
“Who’s there?”
“The Notorious BIG.”
“The Notorious BIG who?”
“I’m dead.”
February 04, 2003
80% True
I have two people on my mailing list. I wonder if either of them wants to leave the list but stays out of guilt. Kind of like if you arrive at a party, and you’re the only one that shows up, so you are the party.
It’s just you and Melvin, the childhood classmate you bumped into at the Courthouse Metro station yesterday. In math class, Melvin would hide his head in his notebook and eat his boogers when he thought no one was looking. Melvin sat in the front of the class and could only process three directions at once, so every day his classmates’ shrieks to the teacher startled him and, depending on where his finger was at the time, caused a nose bleed.
But Melvin had his shirt tucked in, a job, and a warm smile. It was only after he hugged you for saying you’d come to his party that you noticed the dandruff was still there.
It’s just you and Melvin, the childhood classmate you bumped into at the Courthouse Metro station yesterday. In math class, Melvin would hide his head in his notebook and eat his boogers when he thought no one was looking. Melvin sat in the front of the class and could only process three directions at once, so every day his classmates’ shrieks to the teacher startled him and, depending on where his finger was at the time, caused a nose bleed.
But Melvin had his shirt tucked in, a job, and a warm smile. It was only after he hugged you for saying you’d come to his party that you noticed the dandruff was still there.
Future Mailing List Changes
1. Rename to “Free Lollipop List”.
2. Remove unsubscribe function.
3. Offer unsubscribe function in exchange for two email addresses. Snicker.
4. Remove ability for list members to communicate with each other. (Update: done)
5. Provide reason for being on list?
6. Add entire staff of Washington Post to list. Repeat for newspapers across country foolish enough to communicate with dirty public.
7. Have contests for prizes that don’t exist, like perpetual motion machines. Or love.
8. Go international. Translate best parts of web page into German.
9. If 1-8 don’t work, change name to “Free Lollipop List…Extreme!”
2. Remove unsubscribe function.
3. Offer unsubscribe function in exchange for two email addresses. Snicker.
4. Remove ability for list members to communicate with each other. (Update: done)
5. Provide reason for being on list?
6. Add entire staff of Washington Post to list. Repeat for newspapers across country foolish enough to communicate with dirty public.
7. Have contests for prizes that don’t exist, like perpetual motion machines. Or love.
8. Go international. Translate best parts of web page into German.
9. If 1-8 don’t work, change name to “Free Lollipop List…Extreme!”
February 03, 2003
Dad vs. Mom
I have these wrist guards that, on my more imaginative days, turn me into a cyborg killing machine. (If you want to be anal, replace “killing” with “typing” and “cyborg” with “dweeb”.) I lost the left wrist guard a month ago, which is why I’ve been typing fewer letter unitz with a, s, d, and f in them.
Yesterday, I found my left wrist guard…covered with leaves at the bottom of my hiking backpack. (Don’t ask). I cannot prove this, but I am convinced that this is the exact moment that, as my left wrist quivered in anticipation of the pain-free days ahead, my right wrist guard, either out of jealousy or fear of working with his ex-lover, curled up into a ball and disappeared.
I emptied my laundry basket, shook my bedsheets, and lifted the floorboards. He’s gone. My memories of him, the words we typed, the buttons we clicked, are already fading.
My right wrist guard’s sudden absence, coupled with my left wrist guard’s ability to be flipped inside out, left me with a difficult decision.
Dad vs. Mom, grab vs. pull, see vs. look, Steve Case vs. Polly + Pippin, secret vs. ploy, gas vs. pony milk, cabbage vs. yummy, beets vs. moon. Icicle torn apart, nose split in two.
In the end, Mom won. Sorry Dad. You’re a deadbeat.
Yesterday, I found my left wrist guard…covered with leaves at the bottom of my hiking backpack. (Don’t ask). I cannot prove this, but I am convinced that this is the exact moment that, as my left wrist quivered in anticipation of the pain-free days ahead, my right wrist guard, either out of jealousy or fear of working with his ex-lover, curled up into a ball and disappeared.
I emptied my laundry basket, shook my bedsheets, and lifted the floorboards. He’s gone. My memories of him, the words we typed, the buttons we clicked, are already fading.
My right wrist guard’s sudden absence, coupled with my left wrist guard’s ability to be flipped inside out, left me with a difficult decision.
Dad vs. Mom, grab vs. pull, see vs. look, Steve Case vs. Polly + Pippin, secret vs. ploy, gas vs. pony milk, cabbage vs. yummy, beets vs. moon. Icicle torn apart, nose split in two.
In the end, Mom won. Sorry Dad. You’re a deadbeat.
February 02, 2003
February 01, 2003
I am Arogon, Son of Alford
Subtitles from an Asian bootleg DVD of "The Lord of The Rings - The Two Towers" (thanks Chris).
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