Last post

Well, that's it.

It was around 6:00 this morning, when I already started to get tired, that I realized this was a really, really dumb idea. Trying to write comedy for 24 hours straight is something I cannot do. The last all-new post I wrote was at 3:00 p.m. It was also around then that this exercise started becoming laborious, almost to the point where I was dreading having to post.

It's hard to complain though as this exercise was of my own volition. I can't say I'm glad I did this, or would do it again, but I do thank you all for reading. And, also, one last thing:

I really doubt that I'm going to post tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Looking up a word in a dictionary for people who stutter

"Does potatoes have three p's or for?"

My creative faculties fizzled out hours ago. My last six posts have been patched together from the arms and limbs of previous pieces scattered on my hard drive. It's been fun reading my old writing and seeing what parts of it hold up. For many of the pieces I had forgotten I had wrote them.

In fact, this is the last half-decent one I could find on my hard drive. I'm not sure it's funny, but it's the closest I've got right now.

Fun Games To Play in Stores

Home Depot
YOU: Excuse me. Do you have a boss smasher?
EMPLOYEE: A what?
YOU: A boss smasher. You know, metal head, wooden handle, good for smashing things.
EMPLOYEE: You mean a hammer?
YOU: Yeah, that'll do.

Giant
YOU: Do you have any rotten produce?
GROCER: We don’t carry rotten produce in this store.
YOU: [very glum] Oh.

Safeway
YOU: Can you hand me a tomato?
GROCER: Here you go.
[Put tomato in pants.]
YOU: Can you hand me another tomato?
[repeat]

I Added Something New to the Site

It's relatively easy to find.

Partying Tired of Being Forced in Parentheses

At a press conference yesterday, the partying part of Kiss’s "I Want To Rock and Roll All Night (and Party Every Day)" complained about its subordinate status.

"Don’t get me wrong," said the currently parenthetical expression. "I realize the importance of rock and roll as much as anyone else. Partying could not exist without rock and roll. But like the bee and the flower, rock and roll would have no reason to exist without partying. It is a symbiotic relationship warped by derogatory semantics."

Rock and roll, a long-time friend of partying, was lukewarm to the proposal. "Dude. Like, I don’t know. I mean, like, I’m first, you know? Dude."

Partying, known for its planning and organizational abilities, offered several solutions:

* Change song title to "I Wish to Party and Rock and Roll All Day and Night, Together in Harmony."
* Print partying and rock part on top of each other, hire Tibetan monks who can read both parts simultaneously as DJs.
* During prime partying season (summer), use "I Want to Party All Day (and Rock and Roll All Night). Winter, rock and rock part first. Wrestle for rights to spring and fall.

Oops

I just realized I managed to screw this joke up two ways:

"The 2003 Pancake City Halloween Blog-A-Thon Spectacular with Rockets and Jelly Beans will take place from Wednesday 12:00 a.m. EST to Thursday 2:59 a.m. MST."

My intent was to state the 11:59 p.m. EST finish time for a different time zone, so it's still 24 hours but doesn't look that way. Funny, huh? But one, I miscalculated the difference between MST and EST--it's two hours, not three--and two, I went in the wrong direction. Two o'clock EST is twelve o'clock MST, not the other way around as I originally thought.

In other words, this incident is an excellent example of why you should sell your soul to me, not Satan. Do you think Satan would let you get off a few hours early for a boo-boo? No way. He's Satan. Making people work longer is what he, and by proxy, managers do.

Lab Rat for Hire

(from an unfinished essay I started months ago)

In "Pretty Woman," Julia Roberts plays a hooker who tells Richard Gere she has one restriction: "No kissing." Everyone has their "no kissing." Mine is being injected with radiated dye.

Which is a choice that, during a brief stint as a lab rat for hire (Have Vein, Will Travel), I came across often. The higher pay for these studies reminded me not of a great opportunity but hazard pay, and that's where I had to draw a courageous line: no radiation or radiation-related products, including "radiated cookies" and "Dr. Spock’s Radiated Fun Time Machine."

Radiated dye inspired a gruesome fantasy of Al Sharpton protesting outside the hospital I’m incapacitated in, shouting, "If the dye is harmless, why is he armless?" and "This is a nation, not a radiation." I have eaten more than my share of Twinkies as a child. Enough is enough.

Halloween Costume Ideas

Costume Ideas for Halloween

Halloween is more than candy. It's a chance to ignore the social norms that normally govern our lives. To push the boundaries of taste and acceptability further than you can push them the other 364 days a year. In short, if you're dressing up as a ghost or a pirate, you're wasting your one chance to be an oyster that can pop pearls out of places pearls usually don't pop.

And that place is a Nerf gun. But if a pearl-popping oyster isn't your idea of a good time (freak), one of these costumes is sure to do the trick.

Reverse Santa Claus--Don a blue Santa Claus costume. When you enter the room, say "Oh, oh oh!" and take gifts, like candlesticks, jewelry, and wallets. When people express reservations about what you're doing, wink at them and says, "Oh oh oh! Would there be a twinkle in my eye if I were really stealing these items? Oh oh oh!" Then flee to Mexico.

SpongeBox--Based on the Nickelodeon cartoon "SpongeBob," the SpongeBox costume is sure to delight both children and adults. SpongeBox is an old man in a cardboard box giving himself sponge baths.

"Bitch"--You know that really annoying person in your life who complains about everything, criticizes your looks, and tries to sleep with your boyfriend? Convince her to dress up as a witch. Then follow her around with a megaphone and yell, "Look, it's a bitch!"

Jiggolow--Dress as a Chippendale's dancer. When people ask, "Are you a gigolo?" respond, "No, I'm a jigg-o-low--cause the jiggling's down low!" Then drop a hamster down your pants.

That Guy--You know that guy who was, like, in Short Circuit, and then he starred in that baby movie with those two other guys? Dress like him.

Popeye the Siamese Sailor Man--Get a friend. One of you is dressed as a sailor. The other just likes spinach.

The Great Beardini--Three weeks before Halloween, stop shaving. Don a black veil. On Halloween, remove your veil and say, "Ta da!"

Magic Breasts Woman--Construct a pair of fake breasts that can be controlled remotely. When a man ogles your chest, slowly move your breasts together until they pass each other and switch positions. Then get a friend to slap the guy on the back, permanently making him cross-eyed.

T-Shirto--Wear dozens of T-shirts over your body: legs, arms, torso, and naughty bits. Don a red cap, or a garbage bag if you're going ghetto. When people ask you what you are, say "I am T-Shirtoooo!" If they ask what your super powers are, say "I am T-Shirtoooo!" Repeat until they go away. (Note: This is currently my top idea for a Halloween costume.)

Hey, Everybody But Chad

This SASS'N BOP song needs a name. *Best title wins. Default title: Peacocky Peayocky.

* I have no idea what best means for this contest.

From the WP String Theory Discussion

I was trying to get a Pancake City online store (through CafePress) up by 4:00, but I'm too brain dead to come up with good ideas. My two ideas so far are this (which has probably been done before) and a shirt that says "Preachers Like To Thump It."

This question in the chat made me laugh:

Normal, Ill.: Why do the strings, the fundamental elements of matter and energy, vibrate in the first place? Does something induce an outside force which makes them them vibrate, or do they will themselves into vibration, because I want to know how to make myself vibrate.

Jim Gates: Hi,

The short answer to this question is that the laws of
quantum theory demand that superstrings vibrate. So
it is not necessary for any outside agency to "cause"
the vibration.

A Poem About Stuttering

I want to take a break from the comedy for a moment. It's silly to do a fundraiser for the National Stuttering Association and barely write about the topic.

I wrote a poem about stuttering called "Stuttering Sucks." I thought it would be a good to share my voice instead of hide behind the written word this time. As you can tell from the reading, it's an emotional topic for me. I don't expect anyone to be touched by the poem, but I hope you enjoy it.

Move Over, Stephen Glass

I am very tempted to start posting old Dave Barry columns, making them my own, of course, by replacing instances of "booger" with "monkey."

Or maybe I'll just start stealing his links.

A Letter to Juicy Juice

Suspiciously, as if they know their scam is up, the Juicy Juice web site stopped working when I went to email them this letter. I'll send it later and let you know if they respond.

Hodgepodge

It has been a long time since I have had to write on deadline. If this were a job, I'd be fired by now. "Walther! Where's the Pinsky report?" "I'm working on it. But in the meantime, check out this web page about handlebar mustaches."

* Thank god this is for sale.

* I need an average amount of sleep. Average amount for babies.

* I'm not one of those writers who blames his readers when his don't laugh at my jokes. I put the blame squarely on where it belongs: God. That fucking asshole.

* If you stutter on tv, and say a curse word, at what point do the censors bleep you out? "F-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-dge! Gotcha!"

* A trailer for a war movie started with "Armed only with their courage..." These movie soldiers may be brave, but they're also incredibly stupid. Take a gun with you the next time you go to war, dumb ass.

Washington Post Headlines

Jurors See Toga Party Tape
Guil-ty, guil-ty, guil-ty!

Edwards's Quest for Fire
"I will bring them fire," says toga-clad Edwards. "And they will bring me love."

Sharpton: Dean's Agenda 'Anti-Black'
Anti-black part cited: beating Sharpton for nomination.

Bay Group Urges Controls on Nutrients
Boy group urges controls on heartbreak.

Democrats Shake Booty at D.C. Club
Democrats shake booty...oh, they already said that.

Calif. Fires May Lead to Tree Bill
"Not on my watch," says fire chief; tree bill protected by 100-foot trench, encased in fire-resistant dome.

Microsoft to Settle Antitrust Lawsuits
Headline Appears Every Month

Outburst From Sun Headed For Earth
"And another thing, I'm sick and tired of you turning your back on me…"

Editorial: Fire Damage
Frankenstein: "Fire damage baaaad."

This Was Going To Be an Extra Post, But It Took Too Long To Write. Plus, I Had To Go To The Bathroom. And I Didn't Capitalize 'an.' Should I Have?

I feel like I'm in the Army, catching quick naps as the Humvee barrels into enemy territory, but always ready to jump up at full alert and ready to start making monkey jokes.

I may have mentioned this before, but there is what should be an awesome series on string theory currently showing on NOVA. The series is based on Brian Greene's book "The Elegant Universe." Based on his writing style, I'm expecting the series to be similar in approach to the one Robert Crow-something-or-other did for ABC a few years back. The Washington Post chat today on the series will have more information for those interested.

I like to hide related links in my posts, but I'm putting this one in the open because it's too good to miss.

Show schedule: The series is showing in WETA 26 (D.C. area) on Tuesdays at 8:00 and Saturdays at 1:00.

<---

(Note: I think this referred to a new column I put up on the old design of my site)

My Lame Kids in the Hall Joke

On the telephone

License Plate

If you like the letter 'r', would it be better to get a 'I LIKE R' license plate or 'RRRRRRR'?

If you're a pirate...

Misleading Misleading

I was surprised to find out that Grape Juicy Juice is not 100% grape juice. In fact, it's not even close. The company added just enough grape juice to die the mixture purple.

This is Wrong. If you buy a bottle of grape juice, you would expect it to be a mixture of grape juice and water, right? So when you buy a bottle of Grape Juicy Juice, a name that advertises, right on the bottle, more juiciness than your regular 100% grape juice, they're raising the bar. That bar is at 19'6", and Sven Gzevoltz isn't going to pole vault to the gold on Gatorade.

At the absolute minimum, one would expect 100% grape juice, at that merely ordinary 100% would only be justifiable if this unfermented wine were made up of powerful Schwarzenegger atoms that gave it a richer, more powerful flavor than competing juice. One could even reasonably expect super-saturated juice, like 150% or 200% juice, as if the Schwarzenegger atoms got drunk and made the water molecules flee to escape their repeated fondling.

Yet this "Juicy" Juice, or as I'll call it in a letter to their customer service office, "Purple Urine Acid," falls so short of its name that the juice mocks it.

Mental Stability Update

This doesn't count as one of the posts. I just want to mention that I almost poured my contact lenses down the drain.

Six hours and still going strong!

More Handlebar Hilarity

Welcome to the Handlebar Club.

Plus, wouldn't it be great if Al Franken won this contest?

On Tonight's No Spin Zone

It's Bill O'Reilly versus Fake Mustache Bill O'Reilly.

O'REILLY: "I'm right, you're wrong!"
FAKE MUSTACHE O'REILLY: "I have a fake mustache!"

O'REILLY: "I won 15 Peabodys!"
FAKE MUSTACHE O'REILLY: "You can't ignore my mustache! It is virile and manly, like a bull."

Tonight at 10:00.

(I can honestly say I have never spent that much time deciding how big to make a mustache.)

Perhaps He Changed It for Show Business

If you blog in the middle of the night and no one is up to read it, does your keyboard make a sound?

While searching for an image for the last post, I came across a man with--and I say this with no exaggeration--one of the coolest names ever.

Photo Caption

This probably wasn't worth the time to create, but here it is.

It's Funny Because It's True

Ha!

(I'm already having to draw from the well. I had another post in mind, but I'm still looking for a photo it needs.)

H-H-Hello

I haven't signed up for the national Do Not Call list. And I never will. Because I like telemarketers.

As a person who stutters, telemarketers are free speech practice.

TELEMARKETER: "Is Mr. Poarch there?"
ME: "No. But I am!"
TELEMARKETER: "This is Tim from MCI. Do you spend over--"
ME: "Tim, that's wonderful. Let's talk about sh-sh-sh-sh-sh-shovels."
TELEMARKETER: "What?"
ME: "Sh-sh-sh-shovels. Sh-sh-shovels. Shhhhhovels. Hey! Shovels!"
TELEMARKETER: "I don't understand."
ME: 'And you don't have to. Because I want to talk about how much I'm willing to pay per month for MCI's "Sir Call-a-Lot" phone plan: t-t-t-t-t-t-t-twenty t-t-two dollars."
TELEMARKETER: "We don't offer any plans that low."
ME: "I'm willing to go up to t-t-t-t-twenty three."

Good morning!

It is only now, on the dawn of what may be a glorious 24-hour writing and snack-binging session, a time that will test the limits of human endurance and creativity, a time that will ask me to draw on parts of my soul unspoken to in years, that I have to be immodest and say this:

I am a fucking dumb-ass.

(The alternate page title: The Pancake City Blog-A-Thon Spectacular...Spectacular Like an Old Woman's Breasts. Go ahead. Try not clicking on the link.)

Goodnight

I'll see you in four hours. By "you," I mean "everyone who will be up at midnight and visiting the site," which is "no one."

I'm planning on posting something special at 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. Please take into account that special is relative to a normal post on this site.

DAMN YOU, PAAAAAPER!

There are some rumors that the winner paper clipped his way to the championship, but I don't buy them. Word on the circuit is that Kruger plays fair and square.

Ana Casas Broda

I'm not sure what to say about this photo journal, except that it's worth taking fifteen minutes out of your day to explore.

The Blog-A-Thon is on!

The 2003 Pancake City Halloween Blog-A-Thon Spectacular with Rockets and Jelly Beans will take place from Wednesday 12:00 a.m. EST to Thursday 2:59 a.m. MST. I'd like to thank Andrew for his donation of 50 cents per post, $1 if it makes him laugh, and Chad for his unspecificed donation, but I'm guessing it's a slice of bacon for each post, and he'll drain the fat if it makes him laugh. The money will be donated to the NSA.

Do you remember the "Whacking Day" episode of The Simpsons where Mayor Quimby emerges from his limo with some pre-whacked snakes? Well, I'm going to have some pre-whacked posts and use one if I ever find myself writing "I'm still up!" and about to press the publish button.

Google, You Roolgle

I finally got tired of typing Google's site address and downloaded their toolbar . It's awesome. Something as simple as a popup blocker makes a big difference. It also has a "PageRank" icon that shows "Google's measure on the importance of this page" out of a scale of 10, which is a horrible, horrible thing for neurotic people who can't help comparing themselves to others.

EBay Auction

I'm not sure if it's real or a very clever scam, but either way, it's funny. He's selling his ex-wife's Beanie Babies. Link from LYD.

When You're There, You're There

Missing Missouri Convicts Found in Prison

After beating a fellow inmate to death, two already convicted murderers in a Missouri prison hid for several days in a false wall near a worksite.

What were they afraid of? That they'd go to prison? That they're parole would be moved from never to really never? Comedians, if you're doing a set tonight, jump on the lamwagon. Shecky is in the house, and this time he doesn't need a writer.

News Headlines

...

Wolfowitz Unhurt in Baghdad Attack
"Physically unhurt," sniffs Wolfowitz.

No Nuclear Threat Found in Iraq
Not found in Pope's house: matza balls, 'So You've Decided to Become Circumcised' pamphlet.

U.S. Contracts Lift Economy
"Hey, Atlas," says contracts. "Could you hold this for a second while we tie our shoes?"

Pleasantly Perfect Wins Breeders' Cup
'Always Perfect' dives into window of hamburger factory.

Cordless Team, Mouse and Keyboard
Mouse attacked by tiger.

The Best Kind of Corporate Handouts
Thirty seconds in the money machine.

Egyptian Twins Look Each Other in the Eye for the First Time
Ahmed, Mohammed: "Never again will people joke, 'You have something stuck on your head.' "

The Lowdown on Downloads
Satan makes editor consider 'The Lowdown of DownLOWds.' Mini-Satan wins.

Study: Toddlers' Diets Too Fatty
I wish Satan would have won the battle of this headline versus "Fat-ass Toddlers Too Fat-ass."

The reject:

Cordless Team, Mouse and Keyboard
Mouse chokes Starsky, Keyboard bashes Hutch

Makes Your Mouth, um, Fresh?

What were the first toothpaste slogans like?

Crest: "We'll make your teeth fall out less slowly."

Colgate: "It's not really paste."

AquaFresh: "The second stripe is coming!"

Aunt Dotty's Home Care: "The extra rum will make your bleeding gums numb."

What did Dennis Miller say about Rush Limbaugh?

Three ways to find this out:

1. Google search, hope you get lucky.

2. Buy Dennis Miller's books, skim through them until you find what you are looking for.

3. Search for 'Dennis Miller Rush Limbaugh" on Amazon.com. Because they made 120,000 of their books fully searchable.

I know I gush sometimes, but this is awesome. It's the equivalent for LexisNexis for books, except you don't have to pay hundreds of dollars to use it. You can find out how many books cite FDR's "You have nothing to fear..." quote or reference Hitler and Ghandi on the same page. Amazon lets you view two pages before and two pages after the reference. If you wanted to go through the trouble, you could read a chapter or two of a book by entering a new search every few pages.

Amazon, you rock. I haven't been this excited about a new search tool in a long time.

Death and Life

Elliott Smith leaves on a down note.

The man who jumped into Niagra Falls, and survived, says he was pushed to do so because of depression. "I honestly thought that it wasn't worth going on. But I can tell you now after hitting the falls I feel that life is worth living," he said.

The only way I'm watching the third Star Wars movie...

...is if George Lucas makes this the theme song.
(Fett's Vette by MC Chris)

Could They Have Called it Something Different?

This Wednesday, October 22 is International Stuttering Awareness Day. Or, as an acronym, "I-SAD."

I'm thinking of doing a 24-hour blogathon next Wednesday (the 29th) to raise money for the National Stuttering Association. I'll write an entry once an hour for 24 hours, or until my throbbing knuckles induce local rigormortis in my knotted fingers. If there's enough interest (5-6 people, a few dollars each?), I'll give it a shot.

(I already know the comment my Mom is going to make: "Why don't you apply for a JOB every hour?")

I hate asking people to donate money because when people ask me to donate, I end up giving money out of guilt for some dumb cause like "Cure for Cancer" or rejecting the person in a slightly mean way, like the time I said, "If I wanted a box of overpriced cookies, I'd go to Fresh Fields, you damn, dirty ape. Hey! Stop crying. I don't care if you're really a Girl Scout. If you don't want to be called an ape, listen to mother and improve your posture."

So if you're interested, leave a comment and share your generosity with the world. But if you are already are aware enough of stuttering or worry about the effect of a 24-hour writing session on my health, please continue reading 99.44% guilt free. I promise not to change my blog name to "[your name] Is Poop."

Unless you pay me.

NPR Smackdown: Gross v. O'Reilly

Terry Gross, host on NPR's Fresh Air, interviewed Al Franken and then Bill O'Reilly a few weeks later. Gross and Al Franken had an informative, entertaining interview. Gross and O'Reilly also had an informative, entertaining interview, especially the informative and entertaining part where O'Reilly tells her to "find another line of work" and walks out on her.

As easy as this would be to chalk up to O'Reilly being thin-skinned, Gross was very tough on him. And here's where FOX News can learn from the liberal press: NPR's ombudsman Jeffrey Dvorkin discusses the listeners' reactions and offers his own opinion where he says that, in the end, the interview was unfair to O'Reilly.

Too Much Time on my Hands

In an attempt to test the bounds of knowledge on the Internet, I tried to find a photo of Hitler eating a baby. I was unsuccessful. But I did find an essay by high school creationists Kimmi and Kerri ("Hitler believes in evolution!") and a photo of Hitler's arms finally having enough and trying to overthrow him via a beatdown.

The Turning Test, yet to be passed by a computer, is often cited as a way to determine if a machine or network has human-like intelligence. I propose a different method: the Hitler-Eating-a-Baby Test. If you can say, "Computer, give me a picture of Hitler eating a baby," and the computer produces one, then it's one smart-ass computer.

Especially if Hitler's eyes are crossed.

Abused Car

I accidentally filled my car with super unleaded gas instead of regular. My car, weaned on a diet of regular its entire life, hungrily lapped it up before I realized my mistake half a tank later. I stopped the pump but felt guilty, like an abusive father who knocks an apple off the table at dinner and it falls into his child's bowl of gruel. "Apples are 59 cents!" he bellows, as he snatches the gruel-dipped apple. "You eat gruel."

Quote Roundup

"I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God, and his was an idol."

"Roses are red, poems are corny, take me to bed, I’m feeling horny."

"So I knock on the door and I say, 'Hi, I'm Courtney Love. I'm leaving the loony bin.' "

"This is the first time we've found anything like this inside a junkyard. Most places will say it's a massage parlor or adult entertainment."

Most links from FARK. Not responsible for time wasted reading articles.

Why Doesn't the Controller Vibrate?

Video game magazine EGM gathered a group of young teens and gave them classic video games to play. The results are hilarious. The kids playing Tetris:

Tim: Which button do I press to make the blocks explode?

EGM: Sorry, they don't explode.

Becky: This is boring. Maybe if it had characters and stuff and different levels, it would be OK. If things blew up or something or—

Sheldon: If there were bombs.

Becky: Yeah, or special bricks. Like, if a yellow brick touched a red brick it would blow up and you'd have to start over.

John: Why haven't I won yet? I've paired up so many of the same color.

EGM: Don't worry about colors.

John: I just lined up six of the same color. Why didn't they blow up?

EGM: Nothing blows up.

(link from LYD, BoingBoing, FARK...)

A Note to Potential Roommates Attending the Open House This Saturday

If you reserve a time but find out you can't make it, that's fine. Really. Maybe you'll pull up to the place and the brick walls will remind you of the time your favorite doll, Moo-Moo, was crushed by one of these rectangular, maroon monsters as a result of a minor earthquake and shoddy masonry. But if you could call and cancel, or slip a note under our door, that would be appreciated.

Speaking of Satire...

Rush Limbaugh on Rush (link from Plastic)

Creationist Science Projects

The line between parody and reality has been blurred. From one of the funniest web pages ever:

Elementary School Level
1st Place: "My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)"
"Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey."

Middle School Level
1st Place: "Life Doesn't Come From Non-Life"
"Patricia Lewis (grade 8) did an experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non-living ingredients of life - carbon (a charcoal briquet), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) - into a sealed glass jar. The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks. (Patricia also prayed to God not to do anything miraculous during the course of the experiment, so as not to disqualify the findings.) No life evolved. This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes."

2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking"

High School Level
Honorable Mention:
"Thermodynamics Of Hell Fire" - Tom Williamson (grade 12)

Every page on this site has a gem. I'll post a few highlights in the next day or so. You might want to check out the site before reading the rest of my comments.

***

This site got me thinking about the difference between reality and satire. The two can be easily blurred. "Governor's wife calls for popping a cap in Britney Spears at gun control rally"--this could have easily been from The Onion. And many articles from The Onion have been mistaken for real news by some people before.

In response to this, most satire makes the fact that it is satire obvious in some way, so people can get the joke. The site is a different kind of satire, one that takes great pains to hide the fact that it is satirical. And it has a different motive than typical satire. Instead of poking fun at something, it tries to trick people into believing that it's true (and, I think, poke fun at the people who don't get it.) I'm not even sure if it qualifies as satire. It's closer to a practical joke than anything else. A very successful joke that, while I'm not sure it was the site's intent, makes more fun of people ready to rush to judgment rather than the creationists themselves.

Roommate Hunt

I am looking for a roommate. The old one got arrested for cocaine trafficking by the DEA last weekend. Or he moved out. I forget. This is the ad for the place. If you find me a roommate, I will give you a cupcake.

My Mom is looking for someone to rent her house in Rockville. Rent is $1650 and it is a five-minute walk from the Rockville Metro. There is also an ad for this place, and that ad can be found here. Just kidding. Here. If you find my Mom a family to rent her house, I will take you out to dinner to The Melting Pot or a similar-quality restaurant.

Keep Your Hand on Your Gun

Now I know why we haven't heard from N'Sync in a while. They're in hiding.

Several months ago, the NRA released a list of organizations, celebrities, and editorial writers that have supported gun control (or "anti-gun") efforts in some way. N'Sync is targeted, although it is unclear if the NRA is targeting the whole group or just the suspiciously named JC (for Jun Control!)

This is old news and I probably wouldn't have mentioned the list even if it wasn't, except that NRA Blacksite, a response to the NRA's list, was created and it has one of the best uses of a background song I've seen on a web site. "Or a gringo like me..."

Conversation With a Telemarketer

TELEMARKETER: "Is Mr. Poarch in?"
ME: "No, he moved out."
TELEMARKETER: "Is Ms. Poarch in?"
ME: "Um, she also moved out. And they took the kid too."
TELEMARKETER: "Thank you. [realizes what I said] Ha ha." [click]

Thanks, Yeats

"The best lack conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity."

-- William Butler Yeats: "The Second Coming" (1921)

Hola Crayola!

As part of Crayola's 100th birthday celebration ("Feeding Milk Chocolate to hungry children for a 100 years"), the company is retiring four colors: Magic Mint, Blizzard Blue, Mulberry and Teal Blue. Crayola will replace the colors with Wizard Wintergreen, Cold Cobalt, Mystery Crayon (M--be-ry), and Scalpy Indian.

Happy Birthday Arin!

Monkey Think, Monkey Do

From The Washington Post:
"Scientists in North Carolina have built a brain implant that lets monkeys control a robotic arm with their thoughts. [...]

"In the new experiments, monkeys with wires running from their brains to a robotic arm were able to use their thoughts to make the arm perform tasks. But before long, the scientists said, they will upgrade the implants so the monkeys can transmit their mental commands to machines wirelessly." [italics mine]

Look. I like monkeys. They're cute and, unlike lazy babies, throw away their own poop. But this is a bad idea. We've been smearing pink mascara on them, pushing them down hills on rollerskates and forcing our simian friends into servitude for capriciously-offered sips of juice for decades now. I don't care how often they smile or hug animal trainers of talk shows: monkeys want revenge. And giving them mental control over a man-crushing robotic arm is two steps away from a horror movie plot and one step away from: "Sorry, Koko. I'm out of bananas. I'll bring some tomorrow. Koko, what are you doing? No, Koko, no! I am your master! I AM YOUR...urlr...ack... [whump]."

Unequal pay makes monkeys go ape

In addition to the hilarious photo + caption at the end of the article, this is actually an interesting study.

...

You know how when the third Matrix movie will be released, the final Lord of the Rings movie will come out almost right afterwards? That's how Californians must feel about the Kobe Bryant trial.

That Crazy Hatch

Last July, when Arnold Schwarzenegger was considering whether to run for the California governership, Senator Orrin Hatch proposed an amendment to the U.S. Constitution to allow anyone who has been a U.S. citizen for 20 years to run for President. Senator Kerry countered with his own proposed amendment that any Senator whose last name rhymes with 'patch' is a weenie.

Update: I thought of deleting this post, but I figured I'll just let my dumb-ass comments stay up. I assumed Hatch wanted to rewrite the Constitution just so Schwarzenegger 2008 would be a possibility. Even if this is his motivation, I'm starting to think an amendment like this is a good idea.

At first, I had a xenophobic reaction to the concept of a "foreigner" running the U.S.: "That would threaten the security of the country!" But how? If a secret Soviet agent named Alexi Brusnekv, cryogenically frozen for the past 20 years, runs for President and poisons our water with a mind-control substance that causes us to vote for him? We won't even vote for anyone who isn't a white, male, tall, decent-looking Protestant from an upper class family with a friendly first name. What's Al Queda going to do, send over Akbar Al-Hummas with $1,000, a pack of "Honk If You Love Hummas" bumper stickers, and an application for public financing and instruct him to infiltrate us from the inside?

This issue is more symbolic than anything, but if gathers momentum, I would probably support it. We will get few opportunities as painless as this one to nudge this country closer to the ideals many of us value.

Also, my Mom would make a great President.

(The Washington Post has a good editorial on this issue, which influenced my thinking a lot.)

Sharpton Doesn't Disappoint

The man knows how to deliver a one-liner. From today's democratic presidential candidate debate:

"I think, lastly, the whole notion of our showing our differences is good. But let us not forget that our differences should be toward the aim of winning against Bush.

We are 48 hours away from watching an actor that couldn't win an Oscar winning to be the governor of California."

I read the transcript instead of watching it. Out of the nine candidates, Clark got hammered the most, and his responses in general were more catch phrases than substantive. Sharpton had some interesting things to say, and Kucinich gladly took the role of liberal gadfly. I've heard very little about John Kerry, but he seems knowledgeable about the issues but not academic. Out of the nine candidates, he is the only one who I'm now more interested in after reading the transcript.

(Side note: the spell checker suggested 'juiciness' for Kucinich.)

Cover Letters That Don't Work

I'm kicking myself in the ass and getting back into the job hunt (hence the almost minutely posts in a very successful temp to procrastinate.) I am going through my old cover letters to see if I can salvage pieces for the new ones. Pieces like this, which perhaps explain why I have been unemployed for a year:

If I could change my first name to "Writer", my middle name to "/", and my last name to "Strategist" to prove how committed I will be as a Writer/Strategist at PCI Communications, I would. Unfortunately, the judge denied my request. But I can show you how my experience will help PCI Communications further its award-winning efforts to provide communication strategies and support to its clients.

Those Crazy Yahoo Headlines!

If you saw a headline that said "Pope Leads Havel in Nobel Peace Prize Betting," what would you think? Perhaps it what was I thought: Pope John Paul playing craps with former Czech President Vaclav Havel, with a side bet on who's going to dunk the Nobel.

Update: In your face, Pope!

I Love Geeks

How to make your own Segway.

Guess What's Coming to the Uptown?

Who wants to check out the Dec. 16th screening?

New Section:

<-- "Austerely-Titled Photos"

Random Thoughts

* I never understood how dumb Colin Quinn is until I was watching the first few minutes of Tough Crowd and realized: "Oh my god. This is with cue cards, dress rehearsals, and professional writers." Do you realize that Colin Quinn on Tough Crowd is five levels of dumb above Colin Quinn in real life? How does real-life Colin Quinn put on his pants? Can he open doors? What about jars? I've seen guys with spears stuck in their heads that are smarter than him. If Colin Quinn entered a debate with a man with half a brain lobe and a two-foot javelin sticking out of his head, I'd bet on the javelin guy and toss a horseshoe at his head for good luck.

* I meant that to be a lot shorter. I'm surprised at how angry I got. I haven't felt like that since Ann Landers was alive.

* Democrats want to beat Bush so desperately that they'll support anyone who they think can beat Bush, including Jeb Bush and Anheuser-Busch.

* I'm tired of waiting for a majority of Americans to push aside their bigotry and support gay marriage. Here's my compromise: gays get 10%. We get five out of the 50 states in America, selected at random from a giant bingo ball after next year's NBA draft. Straight people can still live in those states, but gay marriage and related rights gets automatically approved, with no way to repeal it. The other 45 states can throw all the stones they want.

* Cats hate dogs.

Mind Trek

I watched an awesome episode of "Star Trek: TNG" where Riker jumps back and forth from the Enterprise and an alien mental hospital. He can't tell which world is real and slowly goes insane.

Afterwards, I flipped to the Yankees/Red Sox game to check the store. At this point, I was half-drunk on wine. As the announcers were talking, a graphic of the U.S. from the Weather Channel appeared. The announcers kept talking, not mentioning the graphic, and it disappeared after a few seconds.

I got very scared for a few moments.

A bit later, the graphic came back up and one of the commentators said "Anyone watching this in a bar with the sound off is going to be confused." I inferred that beforehand they were talking about the possibility of the game being rained out.

I don't have any strong opinions about pot, but this is one time I was very grateful that I don't smoke it.

No, it's not a Joke...

...in spite of this spotlighted bit of wisdom on the parent site's main page: "Jobs are created when the economy grows; the economy grows when Americans have more money to spend and invest." President George W. Bush

(okay, I added the underline).

It's nicely designed though.

Carlone: 'No Idea' if Associates Will be Found

Crime family godfather Tony Carlone said yesterday that he has "no idea" whether mob members who knocked off a key government informant will be identified.

"I don't know if we're going to find out that person," Carlone said between puffs of a cigar. "This is a large family. With a lot of friends. You see? I don't have any idea."

Carlone said he is eager to discover the identity of those who stuffed CIA operative Mike Pontz into the trunk of an '87 Chevy and shoved the car into the Potomac river last July. Carlone said that "everything we know, our friends the cops will find out," but told reporters: "I have no idea whether we'll find out who the person is -- partially because, not to toot our own horn or nothing, we do a good job of protecting our family."

Carlone mob members faced a deadline of 5 p.m. yesterday to present to D.C.'s District Attorney any documents that could be related to the D.A.'s criminal investigation. A Carlone spokesman said family lawyers will sort through the documents to determine which ones to hand over to the D.A. The Carlone family must turn over all information by Oct. 17, with intermediate deadlines before then.

At a press conference, family spokesman Sniffles Nantello repeated his categorical denial that three prominent Carlone family members -- Carlone's senior adviser Charlie "Magic" Rovello, older brother Richie Carlone's bodyguard Louie "Lucky" Libbotini and public safety official Eddie "Legs" Soprano -- had committed the crime or had knowledge of the crime.

"I wish we could help you guys out," said Nantello. "But we just don't have a good way of getting information from people."

(the original article)

Curse ye, HTML

As you can see, one of the entries in my list of referrers (a.k.a. "search engines + bordering-on-stalking Cyanotic Copy") is stretching the table column like the belly of a skinny man after a dinner at the 80s-themed restaurant Gut Busters ("Who ya gonna call...when your belly's past your balls?") Does anyone know a way to make text wrap in tables? Currently, I'm setting the table width as a percentage instead by a fixed amount, and I would like to keep it this way if possible.

Find the Typo!

One of the next five headlines has a typo in it. The first person who finds it gets absolutely nothing. The second person gets anything he or she wants. Under $1. And for you mofos too lazy to pick up your free crap from my townhouse, shipping counts against the limit.

Third person gets to form a PAC to influence Congress to run the second person out of business.

Schwarzenegger Speech

In the heated week before the California recall election, Schwarzenegger has had to deal with allegations that he groped women and spoke admiringly of Adolf Hitler's speaking style. Here is an excerpt from a speech he made at a campaign rally this Monday:

[wild cheering]… "Thank you. Thank you. Now, you may have heard some things in the press, some allegations [boos]-- about my past. About who I am. [boos grow louder] Now, I don't know who's saying these things. What's that? You think it's booooostamente? Ha ha ha!

But I will address these things. I have nothing to hide. Have I made mistakes? Yes. I made "Twins." It was a bad movie. But I learn from my mistakes. I saw the script for "Triplets" and I stomped on it. "This is not a good script!" I yelled. "I do not want Robin Williams to play my testicle." And there's another bad script out there. Being read by a failed politician. The title: "I am a Patsy Governor who is About to be Terminated!"

Am I perfect? No. When I was young, I did things that I now realize are wrong. Yes, I grabbed ass. I am not proud of it. But Gray Davis has grabbed your money out of your pocketbooks. And if you keep your pocketbooks in your back pocket, he probably grabbed your ass too. But that is one thing I will not grab. Even if you shake it in front of me. [aside to audience member: "Stop jiggling!"]

Gray Davis had five years in office. What did he do? Tax, tax, tax. And spend, spend, spend. I will not tax, tax, tax, and I will not spend, spend, spend. Will I tax? Yes. Will I spend? Yes. But will I tax, tax? No! Will I spend, and spend some more, like a crazy rapper Sir Spend-a-Lot? No. Never.

"But Arnold," some people say, "What if a meteor is heading for California and we need to build a rocket to destroy it? Will you tax, tax then?" No! I will tell you what I will do: I will punch it! And when I punch it, it will run away to its meteor mommy and daddy, and cry like a little girl, who I thought was legal [laughs] and then no more crazy meteors will bug us again!

There is another allegation. One that so sickens me, I will not even repeat it. But I will say this. I have never had a little mustache! Or a big mustache. Or a beard. Why? Because I am not a lumberjack, even in the movies. And I have nothing to hide.

[wild cheering]

MSN

MSN Search -- More Useful Everyday. Each day, it becomes more useful, until January 21, 2005, when it nears infinite usefulness, collapsing onto itself and sparking a quantum singularity that rips a hole in the space-time continuum and sucks every planet, star, teddy bear, serial killer, emu, argument, ex-lover, and your little puppy too in the diameter of a straw. And as our tendons snap from our bones, and the last thoughts of man flee like flies, perhaps a few will rest their minds on the suddenly wry humor in Microsoft's other slogan:

Where Are You Going Today?

The New Joe Millionaire

For the next "Joe Millionaire," FOX gathered a bevy of European ladies and told them an American cowboy with an $80 million oil fortune is looking for a wife with broken English, but not a broken heart.

"Ha, ha!" us viewers will say. Because we heard the rest on the promo and know that he really makes only $11,000 a year.

FOX, did you really have to make him that poor? Is this likely to happen?

COWBOY: "I have something to tell you. I'm not really a multimillionaire."
WOMAN: "It cannot be!"
COWBOY: "I'm a night manager at 7-11. I make $34,000 a year."
WOMAN: [crying] "This is horrible. How could you lie...oh, $34,000? That's fine. I thought you were going to say you make under $20 K."
COWBOY: [laughs] "Not as long as people throw away their aluminum cans!"

Schwarzenegger's New Name

"The Gropinator" (from Howard Kurtz's Media Notes column)

"I will be back...for the second breast."

"All these pills are enough to kill an elephant--never mind a man."

This story sounds like a grain of truth wrapped in a tumbleweed of B.S., but the quotes in it are hilarious:

Rush Limbaugh in pill probe

Ahh. Kicking a man while he's down.

Now that I think of it, "grain of truth wrapped in a tumbleweed of B.S" is a pretty good description of Rush.

Right in the balls!

The Link is Mine, Potter

I found this cool preview of the next Harry Potter book all by myself. Alan Rickman sure is hot as a puppet!

Schadenfreude Comes in the Fall

Is it just me, or have the past few months been a good time to be a liberal?

* Franken lays the smackdown on the right.

* BEST BUY CUSTOMER: "Mr. Bush? Um, about the three-year extended service plan for Iraq..."

* Hollywood spy movies fuel public anger about scandal--only bad guys rat out their country's agents.

And Rush Limbaugh makes an ass out of himself again. While talking about sports.

In the arena where "They were hungrier today" rivals Nietzsche, Limbaugh somehow found a way to say something stupid. His comments about African-American NFL quarterback Donavan McNabb:

"I don't think he's been that good from the get-go. I think what we've had here is a little social concern in the NFL. I think the media has been very desirous that a black quarterback do well. They're interested in black coaches and black quarterbacks doing well. I think there's a little hope invested in McNabb and he got a lot of credit for the performance of his team that he really didn't deserve. The defense carried this team."

I italicized those sentences to break Limbaugh's remarks into two sections. The first gives us a glimpse of his attitudes on race, which is consistent with statements he made before (see the article for some good examples). Some people, including a few presidential candidates, are calling for Rush to be fired based on his remarks in this section.

I'm calling on Rush to be fired based on the non-italicized section. Anyone who thinks Donovan McNabb is carried by his team is an idiot and doesn't deserve amplification equipment. McNabb is having a crappy year so far, but he's also a three-time Pro Bowl quarterback who led the Eagles to the NFC championship game in the last two seasons. I haven't seen him this season, but in the past, his ability to scramble with the ball forced most teams to dedicate a defensive player to keep an eye on him. In the seasons that the Eagles weren't doing well, McNabb was one of the few things they had going for him.

I wonder what's going in the mind of a fan fond of both the Philadelphia Eagles and Rush?

FAN: "McNabb good. Rush good. Rush say McNabb bad. McNabb say Rush bad. McNabb pass for 312 yards in one game. Rush pass gas. Ummm..."

Update: Rush resigned. Huh. That was fast. Damn you, liberal media! You already made my post outdated.

Thanks to the Grammar Granny, This is Now the Fifth Version of This Joke

Snack foods is one of the few industries where the question "How many z’s does cheez have?" is appropriate. The other industry--soy products.