CONTESTANT 2: "Marsupials for $600."
ALEX TREBEK: "This is the largest type of marsupial."
CONTESTANT 2: "What is…I know this one. What is...um, what is--"
TREBEK: "YOU'RE OUT OF TIME, MAURCIE! YOU'RE OUT OF TIME!"
CUSTOMER TELEMARKETER: "Hello, is Mr. Henry Pittington in?"
MR. PITTINGTON: "Speaking."
CUSTOMER TELEMARKETER: "I have some bad news about your subscription."
MR. PITTINGTON: "My subscription to what?"
CUSTOMER TELEMARKETER: "Don't play coy with me."
MR. PITTINGTON: "What are you talking about?"
CUSTOMER TELEMARKETER: "YOU'RE OUT OF TIME, PITTINGTON! YOU'RE OUT OF TIME! That is, unless you renew in the next two weeks."
[In the Spy Museum in Washington D.C. A trans-universe rip in the space-time continuum opens and two aliens in the shape of translucent pink starfish emerge from the rift. The aliens communicate by emitting and absorbing colored light-pulses through their skin. This information, although interesting, is completely unnecessary to the joke ahead. One could even argue that, by building up a level of tension that this simple joke has no hope of justifying, this preamble is, word by word, lessening whatever humor the reader may find in the following sentences.
Then again, the person making this argument is likely in the group of people who voted for Fantasia more times this week than they had voted in the last five Presidential elections, assuming they were old enough to vote in any of them, which they weren't.]
PAA-PIT-WIISH-WISH: "Where are we? This isn't our universe. The temporal funnel--something must have happened. But where--"
ZOONA-REESH-AUK: "YOU'RE OUT OF TIME, PAA-PIT! YOU'RE OUT OF TIME!"
PAA-PIT-WIISH-WISH: "Well, if I'm out of Time, so are you."
ZOONA-REESH-AUK: "Oh, yeah."
PAA-PIT-WIISH-WISH: "Maybe if we materialize one of these beings can help us."
ZOONA-REESH-AUK: "Don't be ridiculous. What are we going to do, ask them for directions? There's no way these inferior beings know how to get to Hoboken."
I'm going camping. Have a nice weekend, but preferably not nicer than mine, because I judge the quality of my weekends solely on their relative joy to the time of others.
May 28, 2004
May 27, 2004
Today's Super Freaky Video Game Exploit
This guy totally kicks the shit out of Carpal Tunnel XTreme 3000. (link from LYD).
May 25, 2004
WP Headlines, Stuff
I haven't posted in a while because my last post was number 666, and I wanted to enjoy the magic. I also started a part-time job dog walking, which has given me many good stories, but has cut into my free time.
Washington Post Headlines
Snoop Dogg Files for Divorce
Says Dog, "I'm breaking off with you, g."
President Vows to Raze Abu Ghraib Prison in Iraq
Four to one odds he didn't use the word "raze".
Call to Rally Lacks Answers
"Hello?" "Hey, this is George. Come to my rally. No time to explain." [click]
Dionne: Election Mistakes to Avoid
Leading list: losing, taunting press to discover your floozy
The Cola Wars Go Low-Carb
"Can O' Blubber", "Carb Destroyer Xtreme (Now With More Acid!)" flies off shelves
Loudoun Leaders Hear Stadium Plan
Developers throw rocks at leaders' windows at night, plead for love, large tax breaks
GOP Creating Own '527' Groups
Groups like "Fox News", "The Rush Limbaugh Show," "Hannity and..." oh.
Do your own. It's easy! Try:
Soldiers' Doubts Build as Duties Shift
Washington Post Headlines
Snoop Dogg Files for Divorce
Says Dog, "I'm breaking off with you, g."
President Vows to Raze Abu Ghraib Prison in Iraq
Four to one odds he didn't use the word "raze".
Call to Rally Lacks Answers
"Hello?" "Hey, this is George. Come to my rally. No time to explain." [click]
Dionne: Election Mistakes to Avoid
Leading list: losing, taunting press to discover your floozy
The Cola Wars Go Low-Carb
"Can O' Blubber", "Carb Destroyer Xtreme (Now With More Acid!)" flies off shelves
Loudoun Leaders Hear Stadium Plan
Developers throw rocks at leaders' windows at night, plead for love, large tax breaks
GOP Creating Own '527' Groups
Groups like "Fox News", "The Rush Limbaugh Show," "Hannity and..." oh.
Do your own. It's easy! Try:
Soldiers' Doubts Build as Duties Shift
May 21, 2004
A Trade
Instead of the Arab world intensifying its hatred for America and creating legions of terrorists for the next twenty years because of the Abu Ghraib recruitment video we gave them ("Torturers Gone Wild! [With Snoop Dogg]" Vol II now out), can we just trade them President Bush and call it even?
We can trick Bush into flying over there by laying out a trail of old USA Today sport sections and Buddy Jesus dolls that leads to an airplane. On the plane, Colin Powell will knock him out and replace his suit with a shirt of Gizmo from Gremlins on it and matching sweats. We'll also send over a few X-Boxes with "Tom Clancy: Splinter Cell" and "Halo" to sneakily advertise the pleasures of American life. They'll know what to do.
We can trick Bush into flying over there by laying out a trail of old USA Today sport sections and Buddy Jesus dolls that leads to an airplane. On the plane, Colin Powell will knock him out and replace his suit with a shirt of Gizmo from Gremlins on it and matching sweats. We'll also send over a few X-Boxes with "Tom Clancy: Splinter Cell" and "Halo" to sneakily advertise the pleasures of American life. They'll know what to do.
May 20, 2004
A Brief Letter
Dear Ms. Tina Brown,
Are you drunk when you write your columns? No, really. I'm not being sarcastic. I truly wish to know if, one, are inebriated when you write your column for The Washington Post, and two, if so, the degree of said inebriation.
Sincerely,
Me
Are you drunk when you write your columns? No, really. I'm not being sarcastic. I truly wish to know if, one, are inebriated when you write your column for The Washington Post, and two, if so, the degree of said inebriation.
Sincerely,
Me
May 18, 2004
Comments
I switched back to Haloscan for comments. The faceless messages from "Anonymous" disturbed me. None of the messages on HaloScan are faceless, because if I don't know what you look like, I will compensate by using the image of a like-named celebrity in your place ("Dan" = Dan Cortez, "Kate" = Kate Winslet, "Chad" = The country Chad). Unless your name is anonymous, in which case I use the image of a black hole.
How Bout Some Kerry Bashing?
Here's why I don't like Kerry too much: he panders to voters and makes misleading arguments as much as most politicians. I don't know how much to begrudge him for being this way. A significant part of the voting doesn't have the ability or doesn't want to make the effort to think critically. Misleading campaign commercials work. Rhetoric can be completely disconnected from reality and still influence people if the politician is "trustworthy" enough. And people love "tell it how it is" politicians except in the voting booth (e.g. John McCain, Howard Dean).
So I'm not sure if I want Kerry to have more integrity. Can running a campaign based on reason and logic beat a campaign based on emotion and rhetoric? That's a question I want answered in a less important campaign than one for the position of President. But at the same time, I get annoyed when I read passages like this one, in today's Washington Post:
What should the President do to offer help, cut taxes? Make a secret deal with Saudi Arabia to lower gas prices for the election? The President has almost no power to control gas prices. The one thing he tried, trying to arrange a deal with the ruling party in Saudi Arabia, was rightfully criticized, and if he suggested the other thing he could do, lowering the federal gas tax, wouldn't he be attacked for putting the country in further fiscal jeopardy to buy a few votes for the election?
Yet when the Bush campaign tries to make an issue of Kerry mentioning the idea of a 50-cent per gallon gas tax in an interview 10 years ago, and adds a "Kerry gas tax calculator," I wonder if returning the cheap shot is necessary to win?
The questions here are, "What is the penalty for honesty in politics?" And, "What price do we pay if the penalty is severe?"
So I'm not sure if I want Kerry to have more integrity. Can running a campaign based on reason and logic beat a campaign based on emotion and rhetoric? That's a question I want answered in a less important campaign than one for the position of President. But at the same time, I get annoyed when I read passages like this one, in today's Washington Post:
- The Kerry campaign contended in a statement that Bush "stubbornly refuses to offer help" even as higher gasoline prices, which have risen to more than $2 per gallon, will cost the average Oregon family an extra $1,006 a year and squeeze family budgets already hurt by a weak job market and higher costs for college.
What should the President do to offer help, cut taxes? Make a secret deal with Saudi Arabia to lower gas prices for the election? The President has almost no power to control gas prices. The one thing he tried, trying to arrange a deal with the ruling party in Saudi Arabia, was rightfully criticized, and if he suggested the other thing he could do, lowering the federal gas tax, wouldn't he be attacked for putting the country in further fiscal jeopardy to buy a few votes for the election?
Yet when the Bush campaign tries to make an issue of Kerry mentioning the idea of a 50-cent per gallon gas tax in an interview 10 years ago, and adds a "Kerry gas tax calculator," I wonder if returning the cheap shot is necessary to win?
The questions here are, "What is the penalty for honesty in politics?" And, "What price do we pay if the penalty is severe?"
May 17, 2004
If God Were One of Us
Match.com could save itself a lot of money and work. The company spends tens of thousands of dollars advertising their site, hiring models for photos, analyzing web traffic, tracking customer activity, and creating promotions to defend its claim of the online dating world. And they could. get rid of it all and double their popularity just by advertising one of their little-known features. The feature?
Search. By. Mullet.
In addition to wind-tossed, teased, and curled, you can elect to receive page after page of potential dates with swept-back manes that will intoxicate your soul and provide wind resistance during blustery storms.
Match.com could spend 30 seconds a year creating advertising materials. "Are we rolling? No, screw it. One take. I'm Larry Abrahms, CEO of Match.com. I'll make this short and sweet. You can search by mullet. You wanna spend 2 years developing mulletseekingmullet.com, be my guest. But for now, you got two choices. Food Lion or Match.com. I'm out."
Search by mullet. Search by mullet. Search by mullet!
Update: As Anonymous pointed out, the links don't work. Which sucks, because one of them was a contender for best mullet ever, and I can't remember which area I searched to find him. So if you want to cull the mulls, you'll have to search on Match.com yourself.
Search. By. Mullet.
In addition to wind-tossed, teased, and curled, you can elect to receive page after page of potential dates with swept-back manes that will intoxicate your soul and provide wind resistance during blustery storms.
Match.com could spend 30 seconds a year creating advertising materials. "Are we rolling? No, screw it. One take. I'm Larry Abrahms, CEO of Match.com. I'll make this short and sweet. You can search by mullet. You wanna spend 2 years developing mulletseekingmullet.com, be my guest. But for now, you got two choices. Food Lion or Match.com. I'm out."
Update: As Anonymous pointed out, the links don't work. Which sucks, because one of them was a contender for best mullet ever, and I can't remember which area I searched to find him. So if you want to cull the mulls, you'll have to search on Match.com yourself.
May 14, 2004
Scene in a Doctor's Office
DOCTOR: I have some bad news.
PATIENT: What? What is it?
DOCTOR: There...there can only be one Highlander.
PATIENT: No. No! You're joking. You have to be.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry. It is difficult news for any man.
PATIENT: Two enters, one leaves. Is that how it is?
DOCTOR: It is the law.
PATIENT: How much time do I have before...
DOCTOR: We should operate as soon as possible.
PATIENT: Dr. Dealgood, is there anything I could have done?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Maybe a regular prostate exam. Maybe healthier eating. But sometimes these things just happen.
PATIENT: Will I feel any pain?
DOCTOR:
Pain is a gauze stretched and twisted around our bodies /
like ribbon and wrap over a last birthday present.
Steel skin and ice, a moon in the shape of a scythe.
Is your heart open? Will you feel pain?
PATIENT: Easy questions for a reaper.
DOCTOR: I prefer surgeon.
PATIENT: A poet would.
PATIENT: What? What is it?
DOCTOR: There...there can only be one Highlander.
PATIENT: No. No! You're joking. You have to be.
DOCTOR: I'm sorry. It is difficult news for any man.
PATIENT: Two enters, one leaves. Is that how it is?
DOCTOR: It is the law.
PATIENT: How much time do I have before...
DOCTOR: We should operate as soon as possible.
PATIENT: Dr. Dealgood, is there anything I could have done?
DOCTOR: I don't know. Maybe a regular prostate exam. Maybe healthier eating. But sometimes these things just happen.
PATIENT: Will I feel any pain?
DOCTOR:
Pain is a gauze stretched and twisted around our bodies /
like ribbon and wrap over a last birthday present.
Steel skin and ice, a moon in the shape of a scythe.
Is your heart open? Will you feel pain?
PATIENT: Easy questions for a reaper.
DOCTOR: I prefer surgeon.
PATIENT: A poet would.
May 13, 2004
I have a nagging suspicion...
...that the Bush administration didn't do everything they could to fight terrorism. Like kill Abu Musab Zarqawi*. Because it would have undermined their reason for going into Iraq.
*You may have seen Abu Musab Zarqawi ("The Moose" to his friends) in such terrorist videos such as "Executing Michael Berg" and "Al Qaeda and Friends: Happy Fun Hour."
*You may have seen Abu Musab Zarqawi ("The Moose" to his friends) in such terrorist videos such as "Executing Michael Berg" and "Al Qaeda and Friends: Happy Fun Hour."
Finally, They Understand
The smartest thing a spammer has ever done was titling their email in my inbox today "Re: baboon".
May 12, 2004
May 11, 2004
Comments...
I just realized the comments feature was set to "Registered Users" only. That must be why no one is commenting. Yup. That's it. Why didn't anyone let me know the comments feature was set this way? (It's now changed.) Would it have killed anyone to leave a comment and give me a heads up?
And This Is From One of His Supporters
Sometimes I just can't believe it. From Dan Froomkin's "White House Briefing" column in the Wash. Post (bold added):
President Bush doesn't spend much time poring over news coverage because it would just muddle his thinking and bring him down, he told the author of a new, admiring book about his presidency.
In the second of three reports based on his new book, "Misunderestimated: The President Battles Terrorism, John Kerry and the Bush Haters," Bill Sammon of the Washington Times writes that Bush gets four newspapers -- and reads the sports pages. As for the front pages? He scans and skims.
"Mr. Bush thinks that immersing himself in voluminous, mostly liberal-leaning news coverage might cloud his thinking and even hinder his efforts to remain an optimistic leader," Sammon writes.
President Bush doesn't spend much time poring over news coverage because it would just muddle his thinking and bring him down, he told the author of a new, admiring book about his presidency.
In the second of three reports based on his new book, "Misunderestimated: The President Battles Terrorism, John Kerry and the Bush Haters," Bill Sammon of the Washington Times writes that Bush gets four newspapers -- and reads the sports pages. As for the front pages? He scans and skims.
"Mr. Bush thinks that immersing himself in voluminous, mostly liberal-leaning news coverage might cloud his thinking and even hinder his efforts to remain an optimistic leader," Sammon writes.
It's Another Edition of...
Secret World of Interrogation
New Disney ride to open Jan. 2005
Inflation, Rate Fears Depress Markets
"And I'm fat!" wails Markets.
Southwest Enters US Airways Hub
Hubba hubba! Tap dat hub!
MCI to Cut 7,500 Jobs
Company doing fine, just really enjoys cutting jobs.
Angler Catches Snakehead in Va.
Snakehead then tied to leash, put on frying pan and threatened to be sautéed with garlic and butter.
Senate Shifts Focus on Abuse Probe
Focused shifted to renegade private that cloned himself, committed all the crimes, and then spontaneously combusted. Problem solved!
Bush: Rumsfeld Doing 'Superb Job'
Bush: IHOP Pancakes "Amazing"; IKEA Tables "World-Class".
Kerry Addresses Health Care Costs
"Why you gotta be so high, baby? I know you're uptight. Come on down, sugar. I have the oil. The candle lights are lit. I'll give you a Kerry Kerry good massage.
Less Should Be More at Preakness
Up is down, wrong is right in crazy world of Preakness.
Dizziness: Common, Hard to Live With
Spouse: "He's always breaking furniture and spilling beer on the carpet."
New Disney ride to open Jan. 2005
Inflation, Rate Fears Depress Markets
"And I'm fat!" wails Markets.
Southwest Enters US Airways Hub
Hubba hubba! Tap dat hub!
MCI to Cut 7,500 Jobs
Company doing fine, just really enjoys cutting jobs.
Angler Catches Snakehead in Va.
Snakehead then tied to leash, put on frying pan and threatened to be sautéed with garlic and butter.
Senate Shifts Focus on Abuse Probe
Focused shifted to renegade private that cloned himself, committed all the crimes, and then spontaneously combusted. Problem solved!
Bush: Rumsfeld Doing 'Superb Job'
Bush: IHOP Pancakes "Amazing"; IKEA Tables "World-Class".
Kerry Addresses Health Care Costs
"Why you gotta be so high, baby? I know you're uptight. Come on down, sugar. I have the oil. The candle lights are lit. I'll give you a Kerry Kerry good massage.
Less Should Be More at Preakness
Up is down, wrong is right in crazy world of Preakness.
Dizziness: Common, Hard to Live With
Spouse: "He's always breaking furniture and spilling beer on the carpet."
Comedy Compacted in List Form
My friend Amy and I combined the amazingly creative powers of our brains to build this Tower of Comedy for your enjoyment.
The Different Types of Baseball
Union baseball: Three strikes and you're in.
Shakespeare baseball: A comedy of errors.
Alcoholic baseball: They keep bringing out pitcher after pitcher.
Straight man baseball: Hit the ball, jump on home plate for 30 seconds, take a nap.
Straight woman baseball: Run to first base, then second base, then first base, then second base, then first base, then second base, then third base, third base, third base, third base, then run home and cry out the umpire's name.
Gay baseball: You're out.
Lesbian baseball: No balls.
Conservative baseball: If you strike once, you're just going to strike again and again.
Liberal baseball: You get five strikes, and if you still can't hit the ball, we'll pay for batting practice.
Clinton baseball: Swears it never got to third base.
Cheney baseball: You never know where the ball is.
The Different Types of Baseball
Union baseball: Three strikes and you're in.
Shakespeare baseball: A comedy of errors.
Alcoholic baseball: They keep bringing out pitcher after pitcher.
Straight man baseball: Hit the ball, jump on home plate for 30 seconds, take a nap.
Straight woman baseball: Run to first base, then second base, then first base, then second base, then first base, then second base, then third base, third base, third base, third base, then run home and cry out the umpire's name.
Gay baseball: You're out.
Lesbian baseball: No balls.
Conservative baseball: If you strike once, you're just going to strike again and again.
Liberal baseball: You get five strikes, and if you still can't hit the ball, we'll pay for batting practice.
Clinton baseball: Swears it never got to third base.
Cheney baseball: You never know where the ball is.
May 10, 2004
Lowest of the Low
Curse them. Yahoo! Personals rejected my photo. You will pay for this, Yahoo! Personals (or is it, "Yahoo! Personals!"). You will pay. And I will not pay, "pay" being the amount of $19.95 for your discriminatory service. And you don't even have many gay men. I've seen more gay people on the 700 Club. Sure, they're in blown-up photos and have words underneath the photos like "EVIL", "EXTRA EVIL", and "AWESOME. JUST KIDDING. EVIL." but that's not the point. The point is, you suck. And that, even if I upload a real photo in the future, or a specific point in the future, like today, you still suck.
NEW NEW NEW!
New is better! New is always better! Shiny! Pretty! Four blades! Now with odor-destroying racing stripe! IT'S NOW 33% MORE ABSORBENT, MOTHERFUCKERS! BETTER TO SOAK UP YOUR DROOL AS YOU MARVEL AT ITS NIGH-MAGICAL ABSORBENCY!
Blogger released a series of new templates that have a lot of new features that I don't know what they do because I saw "New Templates" and I switched with the urgency of a man aware that he can suppress his rationality for only so long. I'll be playing with things for a few days. I wish I had one of those 1997 "Site Under Construction" signs with the silhouette of a man digging and giant apostrophes hovering above his head because, evidentially, stick figures sweat apostrophes half the size of their heads. Wouldn't that image make a great T-shirt?
Hey, check this out. I can make a block quote.
Blogger released a series of new templates that have a lot of new features that I don't know what they do because I saw "New Templates" and I switched with the urgency of a man aware that he can suppress his rationality for only so long. I'll be playing with things for a few days. I wish I had one of those 1997 "Site Under Construction" signs with the silhouette of a man digging and giant apostrophes hovering above his head because, evidentially, stick figures sweat apostrophes half the size of their heads. Wouldn't that image make a great T-shirt?
Hey, check this out. I can make a block quote.
Blah, blah, blah. I'm Mr. Block Quote. I'm the diva of paragrpahs. Get away from me. I need two feet of space at all times.
May 06, 2004
...
"Breaking chemical lights and pouring the phosphoric liquid on detainees; pouring cold water on naked detainees; beating detainees with a broom handle and a chair; threatening male detainees with rape; allowing a military police guard to stitch the wound of a detainee who was injured after being slammed against the wall in his cell; sodomizing a detainee with a chemical light and perhaps a broom stick, and using military working dogs to frighten and intimidate detainees with threats of attack, and in one instance actually biting a detainee. "
--Excerpted from the Taguba Report
CALLER: It was like a college fraternity prank that stacked up naked men --
LIMBAUGH: Exactly. Exactly my point! This is no different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation and we're going to ruin people's lives over it and we're going to hamper our military effort, and then we are going to really hammer them because they had a good time. You know, these people are being fired at every day. I'm talking about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional release? You of heard of need to blow some steam off?
--Rush Limbaugh, May 4th (source)
--Excerpted from the Taguba Report
CALLER: It was like a college fraternity prank that stacked up naked men --
LIMBAUGH: Exactly. Exactly my point! This is no different than what happens at the Skull and Bones initiation and we're going to ruin people's lives over it and we're going to hamper our military effort, and then we are going to really hammer them because they had a good time. You know, these people are being fired at every day. I'm talking about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional release? You of heard of need to blow some steam off?
--Rush Limbaugh, May 4th (source)
May 05, 2004
JEE-SUZ...
If I told media conglomerates this once, I've told them a thousand times. Trying to suppress something only makes it more popular. (see Nightline, Michael Moore's new movie).
Bush's First Apology?
President Bush will give 10-minute interviews to two Arabic networks today that broadcast in the region. An interpreter will translate his speech to Arabic.
Translating President Bush has to be an interpreter's dream. You only have to know a dozen nouns, a few verbs and pronouns, and a basic understanding of the structure of English language. It's like a computer training simulation for a new interpreter.
"I'm George W. Bush, President of the United States. I have a message for you. Torture is despicable. The evildoers will be reprimanded. But freedom won't. Freedom will be anti-reprimanded. Iraq is now freed from Saddam. Saddam is a madman. He is mad because he hates freedom. What does Saddam love? Mass graves, torture, and rape rooms. We hate mass graves. Mass graves hate freedom. Torture and rape rooms--we're working on that.
Torture is still despicable. We will not tolerate it. The people involved will be ree---rep---repred--- rep-ri-man-ded. That word is torture! [grins]
But we must remember there are other despicable things in the world. What else is despicable? Enemies of freedom. Our enemies say, "Democracy is bad. We hate freedom." Enemies are bad. They torture democracy. Which is despicable. Iraq's people want democracy. Untortured. Iraq is a freedom-loving people. Things will improve. Things are stabilizing. Things are great. We are all optimistic. Democracy is at hand. Iraqis have nothing to fear.
I will read the report tomorrow."
Update: Bush finished giving the two interviews. For the purpose of comparison, and the more important purpose of being snarky, a snippet of one of them:
"And, of course, al Qaeda looks for any excuse. But the truth of the matter is, they hate us, and they hate freedom, and they hate people who embrace freedom. And they're willing to kill innocent Iraqis because Iraqis are willing to be free. Iraqis are sick of foreign people coming in their country and trying to destabilize their country. And we will help them rid Iraq of these killers."
Update 2: I'm still reading the interview. From a few paragraphs later:
"But inherent in your question was, you know, am I anxious to use military power? Iraq was a unique situation because Saddam Hussein had constantly defied the world and had threatened his neighbors, had used weapons of mass destruction, had terrorist ties, had torture chambers inside his country, had mass graves. It was a very unique situation. And he was given a chance to meet the demands of the free world in a peaceful way, but he chose -- he chose war."
Translating President Bush has to be an interpreter's dream. You only have to know a dozen nouns, a few verbs and pronouns, and a basic understanding of the structure of English language. It's like a computer training simulation for a new interpreter.
"I'm George W. Bush, President of the United States. I have a message for you. Torture is despicable. The evildoers will be reprimanded. But freedom won't. Freedom will be anti-reprimanded. Iraq is now freed from Saddam. Saddam is a madman. He is mad because he hates freedom. What does Saddam love? Mass graves, torture, and rape rooms. We hate mass graves. Mass graves hate freedom. Torture and rape rooms--we're working on that.
Torture is still despicable. We will not tolerate it. The people involved will be ree---rep---repred--- rep-ri-man-ded. That word is torture! [grins]
But we must remember there are other despicable things in the world. What else is despicable? Enemies of freedom. Our enemies say, "Democracy is bad. We hate freedom." Enemies are bad. They torture democracy. Which is despicable. Iraq's people want democracy. Untortured. Iraq is a freedom-loving people. Things will improve. Things are stabilizing. Things are great. We are all optimistic. Democracy is at hand. Iraqis have nothing to fear.
I will read the report tomorrow."
Update: Bush finished giving the two interviews. For the purpose of comparison, and the more important purpose of being snarky, a snippet of one of them:
"And, of course, al Qaeda looks for any excuse. But the truth of the matter is, they hate us, and they hate freedom, and they hate people who embrace freedom. And they're willing to kill innocent Iraqis because Iraqis are willing to be free. Iraqis are sick of foreign people coming in their country and trying to destabilize their country. And we will help them rid Iraq of these killers."
Update 2: I'm still reading the interview. From a few paragraphs later:
"But inherent in your question was, you know, am I anxious to use military power? Iraq was a unique situation because Saddam Hussein had constantly defied the world and had threatened his neighbors, had used weapons of mass destruction, had terrorist ties, had torture chambers inside his country, had mass graves. It was a very unique situation. And he was given a chance to meet the demands of the free world in a peaceful way, but he chose -- he chose war."
May 04, 2004
X-Rated Oprah
May 03, 2004
Maybe Someone Will Actually Be Fired From The Bush Administration
(italics added)
WASHINGTON - Bush administration officials were wrong to prevent a budget expert from giving Congress estimates of the cost of Medicare legislation, congressional researchers have concluded.
In a report made public Monday, the nonpartisan Congressional Research Service said efforts to keep Richard Foster, the chief Medicare actuary, from giving Democratic lawmakers his projections of the bill's cost -- $100 billion more than the president and other officials were acknowledging -- probably violated federal law. (link)
WASHINGTON - Bush administration officials were wrong to prevent a budget expert from giving Congress estimates of the cost of Medicare legislation, congressional researchers have concluded.
In a report made public Monday, the nonpartisan Congressional Research Service said efforts to keep Richard Foster, the chief Medicare actuary, from giving Democratic lawmakers his projections of the bill's cost -- $100 billion more than the president and other officials were acknowledging -- probably violated federal law. (link)
Winged Merchants of Death
A sign that our troubles are not so great, at least in the D.C. area, is that we are worrying about cicadas.
This year's cicada brood, Brood X, comes out every seventeen years. As a 6th grader, I was both squeamish and fascinated by the hordes of insects that became part of recess for a few weeks. They were bugs after all, possibly with fangs. But the delicate shells they left after molting were almost as precise as a cast mold, and you could place one on your finger without fear.
If I read the newspaper back then, I would have known that cicadas are a horrible menace that will ruin life in Washington as we know it and psychologically scar all children, the elderly, and those with weak hearts. Thankfully, I read the paper now, and the almost-daily articles in The Washington Post during the past month have taught me to view them as a rare but annoying event, kind of like Nature's herpes sore.
If only an enterprising terrorist could figure out how to coat the cicadas with ricin. Then the real fun would start.
To be far, The Washington Post has had some interesting articles about this brood of cicadas, like in their Science section today. I have wondered why the cicadas come out every 17 years, and not 5 or 8 or 23 years, and how do they get the timing right. The Post's article interesting theory of how this unusual cycle came into being.
This year's cicada brood, Brood X, comes out every seventeen years. As a 6th grader, I was both squeamish and fascinated by the hordes of insects that became part of recess for a few weeks. They were bugs after all, possibly with fangs. But the delicate shells they left after molting were almost as precise as a cast mold, and you could place one on your finger without fear.
If I read the newspaper back then, I would have known that cicadas are a horrible menace that will ruin life in Washington as we know it and psychologically scar all children, the elderly, and those with weak hearts. Thankfully, I read the paper now, and the almost-daily articles in The Washington Post during the past month have taught me to view them as a rare but annoying event, kind of like Nature's herpes sore.
If only an enterprising terrorist could figure out how to coat the cicadas with ricin. Then the real fun would start.
To be far, The Washington Post has had some interesting articles about this brood of cicadas, like in their Science section today. I have wondered why the cicadas come out every 17 years, and not 5 or 8 or 23 years, and how do they get the timing right. The Post's article interesting theory of how this unusual cycle came into being.
May 01, 2004
The Usual...?
I forgot the password to an online account that I haven't accessed in a few months. The site doesn't have an "Email me my password" option to users because of the security risk. Instead, they ask a question that you wrote when creating the account so you can identify yourself in cases like these.
My password hint is "The Usual." I typed in "The Usual." Not the words "The Usual," but the password I use for many of my accounts.
"The Usual" didn't work. Which is a problem because the site's security is so sophisticated, so clever, that it doesn't give you a chance to reset your password. A password on this site is not a combination of letters and numbers. It is the word of life, the hand that lifts one's account from the digital ether, giving purpose to the millions of electrons set in a chaotic sea of 1s and 0s. It is the Shepard to the sheep: you belong to this name, you exist for this name, this name is your owner, and today, little sheep, it needs to hear the harmonics of your cries.
In other words, this password is pretty fucking important.
So, taking a page from the "Hack Your Way To Success In Three Tries Or Less!" (by Jerry Bruckheimer*) I started guessing entering every word that is the usual in my life.
Frosted Flakes?
No.
Unemployed?
No.
Suspects? Nope.
I kept on guessing, but after the third try, I knew deep in my heart it was a lost cause. I had forgotten another password. Or, in other words, the usual.
*Microsoft Word recognizes the spelling of Bruckheimer. The thesaurus offers "brow beating" for one of the nearest choices by alphabetic order.
My password hint is "The Usual." I typed in "The Usual." Not the words "The Usual," but the password I use for many of my accounts.
"The Usual" didn't work. Which is a problem because the site's security is so sophisticated, so clever, that it doesn't give you a chance to reset your password. A password on this site is not a combination of letters and numbers. It is the word of life, the hand that lifts one's account from the digital ether, giving purpose to the millions of electrons set in a chaotic sea of 1s and 0s. It is the Shepard to the sheep: you belong to this name, you exist for this name, this name is your owner, and today, little sheep, it needs to hear the harmonics of your cries.
In other words, this password is pretty fucking important.
So, taking a page from the "Hack Your Way To Success In Three Tries Or Less!" (by Jerry Bruckheimer*) I started guessing entering every word that is the usual in my life.
Frosted Flakes?
No.
Unemployed?
No.
Suspects? Nope.
I kept on guessing, but after the third try, I knew deep in my heart it was a lost cause. I had forgotten another password. Or, in other words, the usual.
*Microsoft Word recognizes the spelling of Bruckheimer. The thesaurus offers "brow beating" for one of the nearest choices by alphabetic order.
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