Yay! It's Dying Time.

There have been a few stories lately suggesting that rebels in the mountains of western Pakistan are protecting an important al Qaeda leader. The rationale is that there must be an important figure there because over the past few days, the rebels have put up "unexpectedly stiff resistance" against the army.

I'm not a military tactician, but I have a hunch--and please keep in mind, this is just a hunch--about why the rebels are fighting so hard: BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO DIE. Based on the latest medical evidence, my conjecture is that the human body does not respond well to bullets fired at a high velocity towards it. Furthermore, to avoid unwanted conversations between bullets and brains, most humans will try to eliminate the threat, either by fleeing or firing similar bullets at the bullet-firing machines.

What else do people expect?

REBEL SOLIDER1: "Sir! Al-Zawahiri is safe. He escaped through the tunnel last night under the cover of darkness.
REBEL CAPTAIN: Excellent. Everybody! Put down your arms. Our mission is over. Two extra virgins in heaven for the person to get shot!
REBEL SOLDIER2: "When we run out to our death, can I sit on Ibul's shoulders? We have a long cloak so it will look like we are a giant person."
REBEL SOLDIER3 (Ibul): "And I'm going to scream "YA YA YA YA YA," but Sansha's lips won't be moving. He will be sucking on a lollipop. They will be so confused."
REBEL CAPTAIN: "Of course you can. It is a free country. [everyone laughs] I kid, I kid. Of course you can't."

Free-dum

Florida has a set of progressive open government laws where residents can request to see any public record from an agency. But the reality isn't that simple. A group of journalists, posing as regular citizens, tested the system by contacting several hundred local government agencies and making run-of-the mill requests. The agencies they contacted often denied them the information or gave them the runaround. From the article:

Some government agencies tried to justify their suspicions by citing heightened security concerns brought on by the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.

In a post-audit interview, Taylor County Superintendent Oscar Howard said his district was hesitant to produce his cell phone bill because the volunteer wouldn't give his name.

"He could have been a terrorist," Howard said. "We have to ensure the safety of children."

Howard couldn't explain how a terrorist might use his cell phone bill to harm children.

"Leaders of the al Qaeda terrorist network have franchised their organization's brand of synchronized, devastating violence to homegrown terrorist groups across the world, posing a formidable new challenge to counterterrorism forces, according to intelligence analysts and experts in the United States, Europe and the Arab world."

Great. Now they're McQaeda. Who's their new leader, the Hamburgler?

Monkeys Terrorize India Workers, Tourists

You can never go wrong with a monkey story.

No Problem!

I love taking Yahoo news headlines literally.

Unabomber seeks return of papers, bomb

"Unabomber Ted Kaczynski has asked the government to return his personal papers and other materials, including a bomb seized by the FBI."

FBI AGENT1: "If we give you your bomb back, do you promise not to use it?"
KACZYNSKI: "Yes."
FBI AGENT2: "Cross your heart and hope to die?"
KACZYNSKI: "Yes."
FBI AGENT1: "Stick a needle in your eye?"
KACZYNSKI: "I promise."
FBI AGENT2: "Okay, Ted. Here you g--"
FBI AGENT3: [from behind one-way glass] "Murphy, wait! He has his fingers crossed!"

WTC Memorial

(AP) "A record 5,200 groups from around the world submitted proposals for a memorial to the victims of the World Trade Center attack, officials announced Thursday. The submissions came from 62 nations and every U.S. state except Alaska, said Kevin Rampe, president of the Lower Manhattan Development Corp."

Damn al-Queda loving Eskimos.

Red Fish, Blue Fish. Yellow Cake, Green Cake.

Halfway through this Washington Post article, the authors catalog the smörgåsbord of explanations offered by the Bush administration on why the claim that Iraq tried to buy a box of Instant Yellowcake from Niger was included in the State of the Union address. It's quite funny. The situation reminds me of the story where four teenagers come home past their curfew, make up a tale that their car had a flat, but forget to agree which tire was flat before being interrogated individually by their parents.

One reason this is a serious problem for the Bush administration is that many people voted for him because they thought he had more integrity that the Clinton/Gore administration. Both possibilities behind why the uranium claim was included in the State of the Union address--that the Bush administration willfully lied or they lied to themselves by ignoring the evidence--poses a serious threat to the image of Bush's integrity.

My guess is that they knew the evidence was shaky, but wanted to put it in so badly that they justified including it because the CIA and other sources said "this is probably wrong" rather than "this is absolutely wrong". I think they also assumed that people would forget the claim after they found biological and chemical weapons in Iraq. Who's going to care about one claim when the boxes of Acme Anthrax show up, right?

On a side note, there was a lot of evidence that Hussein had some biological and chemical weapon capabilities. So where are the weapons? Pick your possibility: Hussein didn't have any weapons (unlikely), he destroyed them shortly before being invaded, they're in Iraq but we haven't found them yet, or they're now in the hands of 50 terrorist groups.

Are You Ready?

The Department of Homeland Security today released their terrorism-readiness pamphlet, "Preparing Makes Sense. Get Ready Now." I already called for my copy (1-800-BE-READY | www.ready.gov). If you call, Tom Ridge’s warm, relevant voice will greet you and take you down to a mellow yellow.

The guide covers topics such as:

How To Survive a Nuclear Attack
How To Survive a Dirty Bomb
How To Survive a Well-Groomed Bomb
How To Survive a Biological Attack
How To Survive a Big Mac Attack
Caves: Friend or Foe?
How To Survive Loud Creaks in the Night
Survival Tips For Getting Duct-Tape Gum Off Your Walls
What Will Happen: Hints From Nostradamus
Oh Deer: Deciding To Stay or Go
How To Make a Gas Mask Out of a Coffee Filter, Ziploc Bag, and Roll of Toilet Paper
Moist Towelettes: Your Emergency Lifesaver

Quotes from the pamphlet:

“Terrorism forces us to make a choice. We can be afraid. Or we can be—“
Afraid! Afraid! Boogeyman bad!

“In all Cases, Remain Calm”
Mr. Ridge, my question is this: HOW CAN I REMAIN CALM WITH INCONSISTENT CAPITALIZATION?