Triumph's Best Triumph

Conan O'Brien said it was "probably the funniest ten minutes on television that's been on the air in the past five, eight years." Triumph The Insult Comic Dog visits that Star Wars geeks. (18 megs)

Tricksy Reporters!

Calhoun provided records to CBS News to prove he was on the base at the time. He says the President regularly drilled during the months of May through October 1972, when Mr. Bush was working on an election campaign.

"I know he was in there on drills, uh, four months. And it could have been five and it even could have been six."

But Calhoun's account appears to be at odds with records released by the White House. They show that President Bush logged no Guard duty -- anywhere -- from April 17th until October 28th.

I am posting this to point out a sneaky thing the reporter who wrote this did. It is customary practice for reporters to filter out ums, uhs, and other filler sounds that we use on a daily basis from quotes. But the AP writer left the 'uh' in Calhoun's quote, which nudges the reader to doubt what Calhoun says. And considering that the next paragraph contradicts what Calhoun says, I think that the 'uh' was intentionally left in as an editorial comment.

I found it an interesting writing technique. But maybe I'm overanalyzing the writers' intentions. Any thoughts?

More Press Conference Goodness

I watched today's White House press briefing on C-SPAN. What breed of nerd have I become? The White House is still getting heat from the press about Bush's past and undisclosed military records. Scott McClellan's steadfast resolution to hold the White House line is comical. He often has a slight smile on his face when he says something he knows the press isn't going to buy. And check out The Daily Show reference at the end.

Q I'd like to come back to the records one more time, if I could. Forgive me if I'm beating a horse that you would rather see depart this world. (Laughter.) But the President, in his --

MR. McCLELLAN: I think most of the American people believe that this issue has kind of run its course.

Q The President, in his interview on Sunday, was asked the first question about possible release of records, the first question about possible release. He was asked, when there were questions about Senator John McCain's record, Wesley Clark's record, they authorized the release of their entire file. The President was asked, would he do that? And he replied, "Yeah." So why is the President reneging on that pledge?

MR. McCLELLAN: John, do you want to continue on and go through the rest of that questioning?

Q Because that was the first question to which he answered in the affirmative -- don't try to parse it out.

MR. McCLELLAN: John, here's the question, quote from Tim Russert. "But you will allow pay stubs, tax records" --

Q Let's go with the first question. You're parsing.

MR. McCLELLAN: No, I think you are, because the issue that Tim Russert raised was whether or not he had served while he was in Alabama.

Q Read the first question, Scott.

MR. McCLELLAN: "But you will allow pay stubs, tax records, anything to show that you were serving during that period." "Yes. If we still have them." We have provided you with that information, and we will continue to.

Q Read the first question.

MR. McCLELLAN: I just -- you read the first question. I read this question. It was the --

Q Right. It was the very first question --

MR. McCLELLAN: The context of this discussion --

Q The very first question, when he said, "entire record," the President said, "Yeah."

MR. McCLELLAN: Oh, John, let's look at the context of the discussion. The context of the discussion was clear about whether or not he had served while he was in Alabama. It was very clear.

Q The first question was about entire --

MR. McCLELLAN: We can agree to disagree on this issue, but I think it was very --

Q We're going to end up on the Daily Show again with this one.

MR. McCLELLAN: -- very clear about the context of the question.

Political Theater at Its Finest

It's days like this that I almost feel sorry for Scott McClellan, Bush's press secretary. Josh Marshall posted a transcript of a spirited conversation McClellan had with the press today. I wonder if this story will fizzle out over the weekend, and if the Bush administration will try to assist the fizzling by making a newsworthy policy declaration (e.g. a new mental health care plan, "Loons to the Moon").

Z-Beats

Like Elvis making a peanut butter and banana sandwich, a DJ mixed Jay-Z's Black album with the Beatles White album to create a tasty, heart-clogging concoction called the Grey album. If you have a modicum of interest in either band, then the songs are worth hearing. It's mixed so well that it is hard to imagine Jay-Z's songs performed in another way.

You can download the songs at this site or from Kazaa. (link from BoingBoing)

Mystery Beard Revealed

I don't know if anyone cares at this point, but I am finally revealing the identity of our mysterious, prickly stranger (image scaled down). Since no one got the answer right, or got even close, or even tried, the can of salmon will be poured into the gutter. The pouring will send it on a long journey through a maze of pipes, grinders, and tubes that will eventually return the unlucky salmon to its natural home, and possibly our drinking water.

Next contest: Celebrity Dental Records.

Tom the Dancing Bug...

...is brilliant.

Holy Sxhit

My keyboard is working again. This is very cool. I was leafing through the Best Buy ad to see if they had a sale on keyboards. I feel like Sam in LotR after Shelob poisoned Frodo and he left the comatose Frodo for dead. How could I think my keyboard could actually die? What a foolish thought. My keyboard, the voice of the hands, is like a grizzled soldier, its keys encrusted with the gunk from a 1000 papers. I love you keyboard! Not enough to clean you, but, like the raven, I will bang the enter key nevermore.

sxhit

I sxpil.l.ed winme onm nmy keyvboardl anmd I c,anm't writel. I feel. l.ike nmy hajnmdsx hagvbe vbeenm c,ut offl. Nmy worl.d isx l.inmited to l.ittl.e hol.esx where nmic,e c,anm c,raw[l. throughl. Wil.l. posxt agaijnm onmc,e I vbuy a keyvboardl. Thisx isx nmot a jokel. I anm pisxsxed offl. It wasx good wijnmec, tool. I'vbe sxpil.l.ed tonmxs of l.iquidsx onm nmy keyvboard vbeforel. Why dikd it hagvbe to givbe up nmow?

Scariest Headline I've Seen in a While

"Ordinary Americans asked for advice on space missions"

Updated for Washington

"...in this world nothing can be said to be certain but phallic monuments and quarterback controversies." (original quote (which is almost universally misquoted) / awesome resource)

Santayana said...

I know the Bushes hates the Clintons. But couldn't they have learned from Bill and Hillary's mistakes?

Much of Clinton's troubles were caused by how his administration handled scandals. Their philosophy was to stonewall and not help out the other side by releasing files or information. But unless your administration is leak-free and there's little political pressure for you to cooperate, the result of this tactic is to extend the life of the political problem at hand.

Journalists can't write the same story twice. If nothing changed, then it's not news. So if you air all your secrets at once, the media whacks you around a bit, does a few reports on how the public and politicians are reacting, and that's it. There's nothing else to report.

But with the Clinton administration, every day there would be a leak or they would grudgingly hand over a document due to political pressure, so every day there was another twist to the story and the issue stayed in the news. It didn't helped that this tactic made them look guilty even if they weren't guilty of what Republicans were accusing them at the moment (e.g. Whitewater).

Now the Bush administration is making the same mistake. Bush's military record has become a big story because his administration is acting like they have something to hide. Bush says on Meet the Press that he'll release all of his military records...and then only releases some of them. Which doesn't resolve the issue. So the next day, his press secretary sweats as he evades the questions of the once lifeless press corp. And on it goes.

I, personally, am enjoying every minute of it. Because this issue is almost entirely of Bush's creation. Do most people care whether he skipped out of doing drills for a few days? Or, the worst case, he skipped his physical because he was snorting cocaine? So what if he was? It was over 30 years ago, and people change. But how he handles it today--that speaks of his character. And it's why this story may stick around for a few days to come.

Need Something Else To Worry About?

How about THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!

Okay, I'm being melodramatic. The issue is about the upcoming scarcity of oil. You know how when a keg is near to being tapped, the beer pours out slower, and you have to do more work by pumping the keg to get it? Some experts think we're approaching this point with oil. The idea is that the world oil producers have or will soon hit the peak of global oil production. Any oil extracted after that point will need a steadily increasing amount of work (and money) to do so. In a span of a few decades, oil will no longer be an economically viable fuel source.

Considering that the world is dependent on oil for everything from powering cars to food production, and that there's currently no alternative fuel source that can meet a fraction of the world's energy demands, one may say this is good cause to worry about THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!

So is this a real problem or the product of the overactive imaginations of energy conservationists? I've been reading articles on the Net for the past hour and I think it's the former, although there's a lot of debate on the date that we'll hit the peak capacity (date ranges from "already happened" to "20-30+ years from now)

You can start looking into the issue with this article from The Christian Science Monitor.

More sources: 2 3 4

Note Note

Note: I added a endnote to the "Say It Ain't So" piece that deals with the statistics I cite in it.

"I'm electable if you vote for me" -- Dennis Kucinich

Perhaps, most telling, the Virginia exit polls showed, was the perception that Kerry could defeat President Bush in the November election. Of the plurality of voters who said the ability to defeat Bush was the most important candidate quality in determining their choice, three quarters voted for Kerry, according to the survey.

I don't know if voters are being savvy or stupid by thinking Kerry is the most electable candidate. A lot has been made of the advantage Kerry has when one matches up his service in Vietnam against Bush's service in...well, we're still figuring that one out. But will this resonate with the public? The 1996 campaign also had a war hero v. a candidate with questionable military service. Except the draft dodger won.

Different times, different needs, different everything, I know. I'm just suggesting the conventional wisdom on this one isn't as strong as it first appears.

The Final Lap of Mystery Beard

This is the last Mystery Beard clue, but it's a good one. This actor had a role in Blazing Saddles.

I will reveal the secret in a day or two.

What I Learned Today

I'm starting a new feature, "What I Learned Today." There have been several times over the past few weeks that I have kicked myself for hearing an interesting fact and then forgetting it, despite the dedication of the full powers of my brain into avoiding the road more traveled. I am reluctant to write them down on paper, lest I die and the coroners find the notebook: "Rainbows have an extra color! It's murple!" I would be so embarrassed.

So on the Internet it goes. This fact comes from a story on NPR.

What's the secret to creating a flu vaccine? Eggs. Eggs have been used for the past 50 years to create flu vaccines. The vaccine is created by poking a needle through the top of an egg and ingesting that year's hot virus along with a second fast-growing strain (presumably so the two viruses genes can mix and ensure that the vaccine will grow fast).

Then, to speed up the virus' production, virologists incubate the eggs (375 degrees for 20-25 minutes, or until moist and chewy). The resulting virus, called the "seed virus" is used to infect the millions of eggs that produce the world's annual flu shot needs. The entire process takes about six months.

Most scientists see the arrival of a flu pandemic a matter of when, not if. The arrival of the Asian bird flu has triggered a search for a faster production method. A lot of people can die in the six months it takes to make enough of the vaccine. And it would suck for people who are allergic to eggs. (sources: 1 2)

Somebody Get Me a Beer. I'm Having Hot Flashes.

NPR had a story on male menopause today. Shouldn't male menopause be called menopause, and female menopause called womenopause?

Say It Ain't So

President Bush predicted on Monday that the economy will create 2.6 million new jobs in 2004. And he may have ruined the economy by doing so.

You see, in 2003, Bush announced that his tax cuts would create 580,000 jobs. But by the end of the year, the economy had lost 500,000 jobs. (1)

According to my calculations, for every 1.16 imaginary jobs Bush predicted, one real job was destroyed. This is no coincidence. Similar to a proton and an antiproton colliding, these imaginary jobs given life by President Bush are annihilating real jobs. Bush has unearthed, unwittingly, an hitherto unknown cosmic law of karma that has the power to destroy our country. And with today's prediction, the future bodes much worst.

By predicting the creation of 2.6 million imaginary jobs, Bush will destroy 2.2 million real jobs, putting a knife into the staggering economy and sending us back into a severe recession. The trend will perplex economists and politicians, who will label it "the jobless recovery" and try to pin the responsibility on their political opponents. But we will know the real reason: Bush's promise not to rest until every American who wants to work has a job.

This phenomenon is not limited to job creation. Have you noticed how the stock market tanks after Bush speaks about the economy? Wonder where all the WMDs are... after Bush has been saying they would be there for many months? How he praised Cheney often in 2000 and 2001...and now the VP is nowhere to be seen?

The evidence is overwhelming, and we must take action. If we can get word to President Bush and convince him to predict the elimination of 2.6 million jobs, preferably in a nationally televised speech, the karma polarity will reverse, creating over two million jobs and ushering us into an age of relative prosperity and low unemployment.

It would be a gutsy move for him, But once he sees the evidence, I am sure it is one that he will make.

(1) I spent about a hour trying to find a reliable source on how many jobs were gained or lost in 2003. One would think the Department of Labor would have this information, but I could only find the month-to-month change and I didn't trust myself to add them correctly.

A few days after I wrote this post, I stumbled upon the liberal web site The American Prospect's web site, which has different numbers. Are they more accurate? I don't know. I present them for your own judgement:
Jobs promised by Bush in 2003: 1.7 million
Jobs lost in 2003: 53,000
Jobs promised in 2004: 3.9 million

If anyone has more accurate statistics, I would love to see them and hear about how you found them.

Bush's Meet The Press Interview

If you weren't able to watch President Bush's interview with Tim Russet on Meet The Press, you can read the transcript. It's lengthy though, so I condensed it for those of you short on time.

RUSSERT: Mr. President, welcome back to Meet the Press.
BUSH: Thank you. [very fast] 9-11.
RUSSERT: I'm sorry?
BUSH: Nothing.
RUSSERT: In light of not finding the weapons of mass destruction, do you believe the war in Iraq is a war of choice or a war of necessity?
BUSH: That's a very good question. The American people deserve to hear an answer to it. 9-11.
RUSSERT: 9-11?
BUSH: What about it?
RUSSERT: You just said 9-11.
BUSH: No I didn't.
RUSSERT: I'm sorry. I misheard.
[long pause]
RUSSERT: Do you have an answer to the question?
BUSH: Yes. It was a war of necessity. I made the decision to go to war based on the intelligence we had at the same. The same intelligence Congress had when they approved the war. Saddam was a madman. A murderer. A devil with three horns, one for extra devilry. For years he inflicted terrrrr on his people. He was also had stockpiles of biological and chemical weapons, and wanted to have nuclear weapons. Some parts of our intelligence may not not turn out to be not true. But what we knew from before the war is still true today: Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction programs and/or related activities.
RUSSERT: Let me turn to the economy. I have one of my charts. [shows graphic] The Bush-Cheney first three years: The unemployment rate has gone up 33 percent. There has been a loss of 2.2 million jobs. We've gone from a $281 billion surplus to a $521 billion deficit. The debt has gone from $5.7 trillion to -- or it's up 23 percent. Based on that record, why should the American people rehire you as CEO?
BUSH: Tim, there is a reason for each of those statistics. 9-11, 9-11, 9-11, and--what was the last one?
RUSSERT: $5.7 trillion debt.
BUSH: Definitely 9-11.
RUSSERT: How can you attribute the state of the economy and the budget deficit all to 9-11?
BUSH: It's pretty easy. Take a look at one of my charts. [shows graphic]. If you follow the red, pointy arrow, you can see that we had to fight the war in Iraq because of 9-11. The war in Iraq and 9-11 put a strain on our economy and raised the deficit. So I had to stimulate the economy by cutting taxes. That raised the deficit, putting a further strain on the economy. That's why we need to fight another country: to avoid another 9-11.
RUSSERT: President Bush, your moon language confuses me.
BUSH: It is confusing. That's why we're going to the moon in 2012.
RUSSERT: But why--
BUSH: Knock-knock.
RUSSERT: Um, who's there?
BUSH: 9-11.
RUSSERT: I know where this is going.
President Bush wrinkles his nose and frowns.
RUSSERT: Okay. 9-11 who?
BUSH: If you don't know the answer, then you're with the terrorists. Gotcha!
RUSSERT: And with that, we're out of time. Thank you for going us Mr. President. We'll be back next week.
BUSH: I gotcha good, didn't I?

Free-dum

Florida has a set of progressive open government laws where residents can request to see any public record from an agency. But the reality isn't that simple. A group of journalists, posing as regular citizens, tested the system by contacting several hundred local government agencies and making run-of-the mill requests. The agencies they contacted often denied them the information or gave them the runaround. From the article:

Some government agencies tried to justify their suspicions by citing heightened security concerns brought on by the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.

In a post-audit interview, Taylor County Superintendent Oscar Howard said his district was hesitant to produce his cell phone bill because the volunteer wouldn't give his name.

"He could have been a terrorist," Howard said. "We have to ensure the safety of children."

Howard couldn't explain how a terrorist might use his cell phone bill to harm children.

The WMD Panel

Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) said Bush's handpicked appointments "to investigate his own administration . . . creates the appearance of a cozy inside job." House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) called it "a commission wholly owned by the executive branch investigating the executive branch." [Wash. Post]

I can't believe this. Not that Bush handpicked the panel to investigate the weapons of mass destruction. It's that Tom Harkin and Nancy Pelosi are completely missing the point. As Josh Marshall points out, the panel can't investigate the White House.

No, really. Read the order yourself. The panel members have been mandated to investigate the CIA and the intelligence gathering process, nothing else. The executive branch--and its possible misuse of the intelligence--isn't mentioned, even implicitly. I don't even know why President Bush bothered to handpick the panel members and have the deadline for the report to be well beyond the election (March 31, 2005). He could have appointed nine feces-throwing monkeys to the panel and still get off clean.

Why isn't this news? It's like a criminal peeing on the floor and slapping "Ol Susana" on his ass to distract you from the body in his car. Am I completely misreading this? I feel like I'm living in a loony house right now.

Clue #4

I have been coy about revealing too much information about our celebrity beard. Perhaps too coy, for no one has been close enough for me to remove the can of salmon and caress it, like one would do to a dying dog. So while this next clue may give too much information, I feel that it is necessary.

Clue #4: Clue #1 is a complete lie.

Keep on guessin'! Remember, a can of fish is at stake (photo coming).

My definition of cool

Being different in the right way.

Stuttering Haiku

I w-w-w-w
w-w-wish that th-th-th
Oh, forget it. Shit.

We Like The...Quiznos?

You may remember the "I Like The Moon" song that I linked to several months ago. I heard it again for the first time in a while. It was coming from the TV. Quiznos, a mythical sub company that doesn't really exist (have you ever actually seen a Quiznos?) is using a version of the song in a commercial.

I Now Pronounce You Man and Man

It will be marriage in Massachusetts, not civil unions. The highest state court ruled today that the legislature cannot offer gay couples civil unions with full rights in lieu of marriage.

I'm glad this is happening, and I'm glad this is happening today. Some gay people are content with the word civil unions if it comes with the same rights as marriage. I'm not, for the same reasoning as the courts: it's a return of "separate but equal" that creates a second class of citizens.

Some people would also prefer that we have this debate a few years from now, when society might be more accepting and there would therefore be less of a legislative backlash. I may have agreed with this 10 years ago, when the threat of constitutional revisions were much more of a possibility, but that's not a big threat now. Even some people against marriage are against barring it by amending the constitution. The only other realistic option today to prevent gay marriage is legislative, and those laws can be struck down by the courts.

My other argument on why this decision comes at the right time in history is more subtle. The acceptance of gay people in our culture started at the direct experience level, e.g. a straight person finds out his best friend is gay, and has a conflict with his previous, socialized belief that being gay is weird and/or immoral. This isn't an easy conflict to resolve. But once enough people did, the idea that we should accept gay people began bubbling up into the socialization process, through TV shows and other media. We're at the point now that most kids are being socialized to accept gay people, almost a complete reversal from 20 years ago. In one poll on gay marriage, 61% of 18- to 29-year-olds favor it; 18% of people 65 and older do.

Here's my point: having the courts establish the legality of gay marriage strengthens this socialization process, even if it's just a bit. More importantly, it weakens the socialization process with the opposite message, that gays marriage is wrong. It is harder to make an argument that directly contradicts the law, whether it's a good argument (blacks has a right to equality) or a bad one.

In the past, when the courts have made rulings that society wasn't "ready" for (I'm thinking about civil rights here), society eventually adjusted to the ruling, much faster I would argue then if one just waited for people to change on their own. In other words, you may have to cram enlightenment down people's throats, but once you do, they eventually swallow (who wants to extend this metaphor to puking?). And because I think there isn't enough support for constitutional amendments today at either the national or state level, I feel this ruling comes at the right time.

Clue #3

The guess for the Celebrity Beard contest are flying in. People have guessed such names as Orlando Bloom. And many others. Will the next clue shed any light on this celebrity's identity? Will it unearth any secrets, secrets buried under an abandoned Planet Hollywood? Will the kilt of mystery lift up, revealing a willy who may be named Willy?

Probably not.

Clue #3: This actor has an X, Q, or N in his name.

One guess per day, people. That means you, Ralph! Stop sending me email.

Bad Move

January 27, 2004

Dear Senator Bill Frist:

I am sending a piece of candy that represents the person to every legislator in Congress. It's my way of saying, "Thanks for your service to our country." Since you are intelligent, you get a roll of Smarties. I hope they don't get crushed in the mail!

Keep on truckin!
Jason Walther

Subject: Security Alert: E-mail and Internet Scams

Date: February 3, 2004

Many e-mail scams are currently circulating the Internet and showing up in e-mail inboxes. Many times, these fraudulent e-mails are designed to entice recipients into giving up sensitive credit card and bank account information. It is important to know how to identify and validate whether an offer is a scam, and who to contact in the event you receive one of these questionable offers.

How do I project myself from a scam?

There are many steps you can take to project yourself:
* Don't follow web links in an e-mail requesting any financial information.
* Contact your bank and ask for verification before responding to any e-mail correspondence you receive from your bank.
* Visit Scamprotector.com. You can find out how much of your personal information is publicly accessible and learn how to remove it from the public arena. Just log in with the driver's license or credit card number you want to check at the prompt and Scamprotector will take care of the rest.

Clue #2

Okay, I didn't give much information about the identity of the Celebrity Beard. Maybe this next clue will help. It's not Marlon Brando.

And we have a prize for the winner: a can of salmon. When you're in the mood for salmon but don't have time to warm it up, eat Can of Salmon. It's the salmon that swims right into the can. Shipping not included.

Celebrity Beards

I'd like to announce a new contest for the web site, Celebrity Beards. Each week, I'll post the closeup of a celebrity beard and a clue about the owner of the beard. I'll post another clue each day until someone gets the answer.

Celebrity Beard #1

Clue #1: This actor starred in a movie in the last six months.

There are no prizes as of yet, but I'll try to think of one. Happy Bearding!

Three Things About Levitra

1. It's no longer erectile dysfunction. It's "ED." Or, on the tube, a football being thrown again and again through a tire. "Have a problem with ED?" "You can get help for ED." (Tip for guys: ladies love having their vaginas compared to an old tire.)

2. Levitra does not prevent against sexually transmitted diseases. This is not my bold declaration. That's one of the disclaimers for Levitra. In fact, by its function, Levitra greatly enhances your risk of getting a sexual disease. It also increases your risk of poking someone's eye out and allows you to play horseshoes anywhere. Like with ED.

3. Erectile dysfunction occurs when the heart is unable to pump enough blood into the penis. In these cases, the heart is also not pumping enough blood into the brain, arms, legs, and every other area of the body. Erectile dysfunction is an early warning sign of a heart disease. But don't worry about that. Take the Levitra Challenge.

Why I Thought of the Following This Morning I'll Never Know. Unless I Want To.

There's a concept in psychology called "locus of control." It's the degree of control you feel over your own life. Many people whose stuttering is a disability for them have a strong external locus of control. Stuttering just "happens." It comes out of nowhere and you can't do anything about it. On the flip side, a stutterer with a strong internal locus of control thinks he or she can do something about it and improve.

Have you ever had something bad happen early in the day and think, "Geez, my whole day is going to turn out bad"? External locus of control. Don't believe in luck? Internal locus of control. Ever take a dump so huge that you gathered your friends and lifted the toilet lid like the Lost Ark was inside? That's just plan sick. And funny. But still sick.

What if your religion influences your locus of control? I may be totally misrepresenting Christian fundamentalists, but it seems that a strict following of the Bible's words would lead to an external locus of control. The idea of waiting for Jesus to return, or the apocalypse coming, or the criterion for entering heaven is accepting Jesus, and has nothing to do with what you do in life. You could argue that accepting Jesus is a choice you have and represents an internal locus of control, but I think a religion that says you get into heaven by doing good deeds and trying not to sin teaches a much stronger locus of control, because it carries through your entire life, not just one moment.

As an atheist with a strong external locus of control (at least for now), I have no answers. But I toss it out to hear your thoughts.

You'll Never Look At Him The Same Way Again

I love this article on why Wesley Clark rarely blinks. It takes a odd but small detail and views it through different disciplines to give an interesting look at his habit.

Words I never expected to say during a Super Bowl

"Wait a minute. Was that her breast?"

It was. (news article, safe for work).

Update: Move over weapons of mass destruction related programs. Justin Timerblake explains the situation: "I am sorry that anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance of the Super Bowl."

That halftime moment was so funny that I had a wardrobe malfunction in my pants. I have to say though, if Janet Jackson had any class, when Justin Timberlake ripped off her shirt she should have had a puppy pop out. Puppies are cute. Or, if not that, a titty with a laser beam for the nipple that fires the words "USA!" onto the crowd.

Isn't it great that, even in this age of uninhibited sexual imagery in the media and more graphic depictions of sex than ever before, that an exposed breast can still be considered news? As publicity stunts go, this is as uncreative as it gets, but hey, it worked.

President Bush: "I Only Do My Wife"

WASHINGTON D.C. -- In response to growing pressure for an independent probe into the intelligence he used to justify attacking Iraq, President Bush announced yesterday that he only makes love to one woman, Laura, his wife of 27 years.

"There's only one honey pot I put my stinger in," purred the President, who spoke in a silky smooth baritone. "And that's a sexy school teacher with two well-polished apples. Oh, yeaaaah."

The call for an independent probe into the CIA and White House was triggered by former chief weapons inspector David Kay, who said last week that he doesn't think Saddam Hussein had any weapons of mass destruction and questioned the quality of pre-war intelligence. Both Republicans and Democrats see an independent counsel as the only way to finally answer these questions without politicizing the search.

In spite of President Bush's announcement, he continues to remain agnostic about the quality of the intelligence and to emphasize that he has never had relations with other women. "Some people have claimed that we 'sexed-up' the intelligence to make the case for war. Others have claimed that the 2004 interns are very sexy. I wouldn't know. I'm not that type of man. Also, 9-11, 9-11, 9-11. "

If the probe goes forward and includes the President and his cabinet members in its scope, the timing of the probe and its findings could play a significant role in the November elections. President Bush's change of view on the need for a probe could signify that the administration wishes to resolve the issue well before the general election season, and that the President never, ever launches his Patriot missile into another country, nor would he want to.

A Moment of Weakness

I'm breaking my No Michael Jackson jokes for this one:

Judge Says R. Kelly Must Avoid Jackson
CHICAGO - R. Kelly won't be mingling with Michael Jackson (news) during next month's Grammy festivities: A judge has ordered the R&B star, who is awaiting trial on child pornography charges, to stay away from the King of Pop, himself facing child molestation charges, when Kelly attends the awards.

What is the court system afraid of, that they'll trade porn site passwords? Gab about future community service work? ("If we both get convicted, let's build a children's hospital." "Great idea. I call the bedridden kids!")

I have my own rulings for these two. R. Kelly has to change his name to "Richie Richie Roo Roo" and introduce himself by that name to every girl under 18. A similar punishment for Michael Jackson, except he has to introduce himself as "I Have No Candy" to kids and "Don't Be a Dumbass" to gullible parents.

Questions Someone Else Asked Stephen Colbert

Dallas, Tex.: Why is it the Daily Show takes an overwhelmingly liberal stance when it comes to the elections and Democratic candidates? Shouldn't the Daily Show be a little more unbiased? The Daily Show can still be funny yet fair at the same time.

Stephen Colbert: First, we are not news. We are under no compunction to be fair or balanced or any other thing other than funny. Second, satire always attacks the status quo. The status quo is presently a Republican executive, legislative and judicial branch. There's hardly a liberal target left. Third, we throw hay makers at the Democratic candidates across the board. Fourth, I hope Bush loses.

(chat transcript)

Questions I'm Asking Stephen Colbert

I made a smiley in your likeness. I call it "The Stephen Colbert Special Edition." Will you use it?

?`:|

-----

***Hope***, Michigan

I applied to be a PA for The Daily Show last month and I got a form letter saying there are no positions right now but my resume will be kept on file. Can I have my resume back? That was my only copy. I wrote it in crayon to show my sense of humor, but my friends don't believe me. It's eight pages long and has a picture of a green sun at the end (I THOUGHT GREEN WAS MORE CREATIVE BUT EVIDENTIALLY YOU GUYS DIdn't.) (Ignore all the caps after "thought".) You can COD it but please mail it under my roommate's name (References, #7). His mom is always shipping him stuff COD.

----
Dundalk, Detroit
The site says we can submit questions before or during the discussion. This isn't a question. I just wanted to say we could send questions after the discussion if you had a time machine, jack ass.

(I started reading his chat, and I'm chagrined for sending these questions. His answers to regular questions are hilarious. I feel like the wanna-be trying to upstage him.)

Netscape's 10 Sure-Fire Ways to Get Fired

5. Be disrespectful or politically incorrect in the workplace. Political correctness is a hot topic in today's modern workplace, and most companies have zero tolerance for offensive remarks and actions. If you've got a humdinger of a joke but it's just a bit offensive, it's best to leave it home and opt for a simple knock-knock.

EMPLOYEE1: Knock-knock!
EMPLOYEE2: Who's there?
EMPLOYEE1: Banana!
EMPLOYEE2: Banana who?
EMPLOYEE1: Banana banana fo fana. Fe fi fo fana. Banana nana be bo banana!
EMPLOYEE2: Aren't Jewish people supposed to be funny?
JEWISH EMPLOYEE1: I can't believe you said that. Aren't you afraid that if you do something bad, Vishnu will give you twenty middle fingers?
INDIAN EMPLOYEE2: For one, Vishnu has four arms, not twenty. Of course, no one here expects you to know anything about religion.
ATHEIST JEWISH EMPLOYEE1: What's that supposed to mean?
INDIAN RELIGIOUS PERSON WHO PROFESSES TOLERANCE BUT SECRETLY HATES ATHEISTS EMPLOYEE2: Nothing.
IRRITATED ATHEIST JEWISH EMPLOYEE: You have something to say? Say it. I have something to say about you too. Or should I say, you two.
INDIAN RELIGIOUS PERSON WHO PROFESSES TOLERANCE BUT SECRETLY HATES ATHEISTS, ESPECIALLY THIS ONE, WHO KNOWS ABOUT HIS AFFAIR WITH THE BOSS'S HUSBAND EMPLOYEE: You carrot-munching bastard. You wouldn't.
IRRITATED ATHEIST JEWISH VEGETARIAN EMPLOYEE: It would be a terrible way for her to find out her husband is gay.
GAY INDIAN RELIGIOUS PERSON WHO PROFESSES TOLERANCE BUT SECRETLY HATES ATHEISTS, ESPECIALLY THIS ONE, WHO KNOWS ABOUT HIS AFFAIR WITH THE BOSS'S HUSBAND EMPLOYEE: ...Your slip is showing.
IRRITATED ATHEIST JEWISH VEGETARIAN EMPLOYEE WHO IS EXTRA IRRITATED BECAUSE HIS COWORKER JUST FOUND OUT HE'S A CROSSDRESSER: My...? Oh, god. Truce?
INDIAN EMPLOYEE2: That would be acceptable.
JEWISH EMPLOYEE1: Sorry about the comments I made about your religion.
EMPLOYEE2: And I apologize about the stereotype I made about Jewish people.
EMPLOYEE1: Okay. Well, see you at lunch.
EMPLOYEE WHO WILL AVOID EMPLOYEE AT LUNCH FOR THE NEXT WEEK: Of course. See you there.

Couldn't You Have Just Made Fun of His Pants?

Al Franken takes down a protester.

Bigfoot's Visibility Rising

From the Washington Post (I, um, changed a few words):

After two years of barely speaking to reporters aside from rare appearances on NBC's "Meet the Press," Bigfoot has given eight interviews in the past month.

After taking just one foreign trip during his first three years in office, he is in the middle of a five-day swing through Switzerland and Rome.

Sunday morning, the reclusive monster even allowed journalists to photograph him sightseeing. Instead of Bigfoot's usual silence, he remarked on his "beautiful walk through Rome" to the press between bites of his deer leg.

Republican officials said Bigfoot's new visibility, which is likely to increase as his reelection race heats up, is partly the result of strategists' determination that his long silences had helped make him a punching bag for Democrats and a lightning rod for criticism of President Bush over secrecy, corporate connections and reliance on advice from mythical beings.

"The theory is that the criticism is gratuitous and that we shouldn't just accept the story line provided by the enemy," said a GOP official familiar with the strategy. "The tabloids are going to write about you anyway, so why not be part of the process?"

Bigfoot has long been a popular administration ambassador to heartland conservatives and already spends many Mondays and Fridays raising campaign money and scaring young children. Officials say that after the Democratic nominee is chosen, Bigfoot will make frequent appearances in targeted mountain ranges that Bush cannot reach.

Mary Matalin, Bigfoot's former groomer, said he is not raising his profile because of the campaign but is "just doing what he does best, which is using his beastly roar to present the long view and the rationale of any given policy."

Bigfoot came under fire Sunday from Democratic presidential candidates, including Sen. John F. Kerry (Mass.), who said on "Fox News Sunday" that the man-beast "exaggerated, clearly" about Iraq's weapons programs. Kerry said on CBS's "Face the Nation" that Bigfoot and others in the administration "misled the American people" about the programs and the existence of the Yeti.

Minibosses

I suspect the band Minibosses provoke one of two reactions: "Huh?" and "That's totally awesome." Put me down for the second one. The band almost solely performs music from old Nintendo games. Electric guitars and drums give life to the poppy beats of Mega Man, the infectious theme of Zelda, and even unusual choices like a tune from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. Remember how pressing Select made Doc rub Little Mac's shoulder faster and restored his life? And if you hit the old man in Zelda the fire would shoot an energy ball at you? And…

That's why I like their music. A combination of spending much of my childhood playing video games and the emotions of these memories strong from the lack of exploitation of advertisers makes this a band for me.

You'll have the best luck finding their tunes on a file-sharing service like Kazaa. Wired has an article on them in its February issue (not online yet).

Car Update

Okay, my starts 8:30 in the morning when it's 17 degrees outside. After running for a hour, and being off for 15 minutes, it refuses to start. Twelve hours later, when it's back to 17 degrees, I march outside with a roll of aluminum foil and my fingers crossed. I try turning the car on before my scientific experiment, and it starts. I'm both relieved and disappointed. Metal, battery acid, and 99 cents Giant-brand aluminum foil may be a bad idea, but it would make a good story.

Heh heh

Louisiana's Senate State Secretary Mike Bauer got caught sending pornographic jokes to his friends and other staffers from the office computer. He says he tried to delete the horrible material but accidentally forwarded the jokes. I love the sly dig in this quote:

"Hines said the Senate's human resources office is heading the investigation and will look into whether one key stroke could have linked several e-mails of jokes into one message and forwarded it."

If only he pressed Ctrl-D instead of Ctrl-A-F2-T-T-T-CC-S-Yes-Damnit.

Car Troubles

My car, like a petulant child, refuses to start. Which is understandable. It's a child that gets a bath once every six months, has a bump on its forehead (an accident!), and gets left in the cold except for the occasions it gets taken to the doctor's office. My doctor is a mercenary who suspects me of abuse but will never tell the authorities because of the loss to his business. And my car has had enough.

Binary problems are much easier to deal with. If it works, great. If it doesn't work, get it fixed. But my car refuses to start or fail to start consistently. Sometimes it will start. Sometimes the engine temperature will quiver when I insert the key into the ignition and then go dead as I turn the key.

In these instances, if jiggling the car wheel, jimmying the key, and opening and closing the door repeatedly had no effect, my decision whether to fix the car would be simple. But they work. Sometimes. Just enough that if you created a matrix that combined the frequency of car starts times one's income level, a cascade of Yes and No's would surround a small island of where I am at: "Just one more time."

Take this morning. Car started fine. Drove to Falls Church. Reentered car. Ignition wouldn't start. This was after a string of successful starts, leading me to believe that the problem, through the magic of ignoring it, had fixed itself.

Now, I know almost nothing about cars. But I know a lot about 8-bit Nintendo games. So I did what any good Nintendo player would do: I lifted the car hood and blew on the battery.

And it worked. The car started. Long live Zelda! "Doo doo, dee doo dee dee doo…"

The next two trips, I had to get a jump start. I blew corroded battery acid from the connectors until my spit sizzled on the engine. My child, nay, my baby, which I promise promise promise to take better care of if it gets healthy again, sits in front of my couch, doors unlocked, keys on the front seat, video camera on. I am wishing that a car thief will come by and I can take first prize in America's Funniest Home Videos. "Now the thief is trying to blow on the battery! [audience laughs] Uh-oh. Here comes the cops. [sfx: slide whistle]"

I think the problem is that the one of the connectors is bent and not connecting with the battery. It resists my attempts to bend it back, and my sisters aren't around to hold it to the battery while I turn on the car. So, unless someone tries to stop me, I'm going to do something that is either ingenious or incredibly stupid: shove tin foil in the gap between the connector and the batter.

Again, I know nothing about cars. If putting tin foil near a battery is the safety equivalent as having a lighter fluid fight with your friends at a barbecue, now would be an excellent time to tell me.

Most Interesting Washington Post.com Error Message Ever

Inconsistent cookie, primary != me

Bathroom Poll, II

I'm surprised a few people answered the poll already. Thank you.

Why I asked the question: until recently, I locked my bathroom door. It was out of a fear that...well, that's why I stopped. I asked myself what I was afraid of and I couldn't think of anything reasonable. Fear that a family member would walk in on me, fear that a roommate would, fear that a crazed killer would attack me while my fiber-deficient intestinal track tries to pass punctuation marks into a sea with no sentences.

I can't pinpoint why I once locked the bathroom door, but something about leaving it unlocked threatened my sense of safety. And the habit got me thinking. What does it mean to lock one's door?

Is it a decision that reflects the amount of fear in one's life? If it isn't, then why do some people do it, and some people don't? Are people more worried about terrorism than other issues more likely to vote for Bush? If so, do they lock their bathroom doors?

The answers: yes, n/a, yes, and yes. Also, 3:2 odds that whether you lock your bathroom door or not, your family members share the same habit.

A Similar Incident Happened in 1894 with a Horse and Buggy

Everyone involved in this has a great story to tell their friends. Link from #!/usr/bin/grl

Bathroom Poll

I've been meaning to write, or do something productive, for the past week. Meaning, of course, means nothing. That's why, starting now, I will no longer "mean" to write anything. I will intend to write.

I'm intending to write more, but in the meantime, take a moment to answer this poll. "Do you lock the bathroom door at home? If so, why?" The reason I ask to come.

Either, Or

From a job ad on craigslist:

"I need 3-4 female models to help represent my company at the Baltimore, Dulles and Washington Home shows.

Ideally you have owned a home and participated in a home remodeling project with a story to tell. Or, you have acting skills and can think fast on your feet."

Washington Post Headlines

Guerrero Picks Angels Over O's
Other things Guerrero picks over O's: lotto numbers, nose.

More Passenger Data Sought
Says Secretary Ridge, "The day we don't know whether they ordered chicken or fish, the terrorists win."

Fox Backs Immigration Plan
"Let the chickens in, " says Fox. "Wolf and I will take good care of them."

Alternate Va. Tax Plan Offered
Republicans' "Warner Pays Everything" plan popular with Republicans, people not named Mark Warner.

Bush Industrial Policy Key in W.Va
"If you re-elect me," says Bush, "I will restore West Virginia as Key-Making Capital of the World!"

Astros Lure Clemens Out of Retirement
Jumbo hotdog tied to string surprisingly effective.

For Officials, Flu Shot Is a Gamble
Odds on death much better.

"Amazon.com and you're done" doesn't even try to be a sentence

He Should Have Bet That The Orioles Will Continue To Suck

Pete Rose's admission that he gambled on baseball, and his desire to be reinstated in the sport, is interesting to non-baseball fans like myself because it is about much more than baseball. Such as forgiveness, and its limits, a concept that plays a role in issues like the death penalty and likely a few times in your own lives.

Having said that, if even a small part of you thinks Rose should be reinstated in baseball and let in its Hall of Fame, then please read this essay in last Sunday's Outlook section. It's by John M. Dowd, a former Justice Department prosecutor who conducted the gambling investigation against Rose, and it gives the appropriate historical context for this issue.

Jon Stewart Comes to D.C.

Have $60 you don't need? Then maybe you'd like to see Jon Stewart on February 27th at Constitution Hall. Available tickets: $52. Service charge: $8. I'm a huge fan of Jon Stewart, but the only way I'd pay $60 to see him do stand-up is if he were firing ping-pong balls out of his ass at Carrot Top. "Here's something you can use in your act. [pop]"

Must be a Slow News Day

On the front page of Yahoo:

Voter blasts Dean for 'mean mouthing' Bush

Here's the summary of the story: Voter blasts Dean for "mean mouthing" Bush.

Here's the entire story, no detail left out: Voter blasts Dean for "mean mouthing" Bush.

Yahoo, where's my story? I've been blasting Leno for mean mouthing O.J. for years. Okay, he's a murderer. We get it. But it's 2004. Time to move on...to that wacky killer, Scott Peterson! Let me tell you folks, I'd hate to get a Mother's Day gift from him. Hi-o!

Blueberry Pancakes

In college, I worked on a semester-long multimedia project with three classmates. One of my classmates, Dan, had a knack for shouting out random phrases that related to the conversation at hand in ways only known to the depths of his subconscious.

The more serious the conversation, the more random the outburst. He would then struggle to explain how his comment related, often working out the explanation as he spoke. One moment that sticks out is when we were in the middle of a long conversation about the project's scope and division of work when he exclaimed, "Blueberry pancakes!"

We stared blankly at him. "What?"
"Blueberry pancakes. I haven't had blueberry pancakes in a while."

I forget his explanation, or if he even offered one. It didn't really matter. He had a lot more blueberry pancake moments, and every now and then, something happens to remind me of the story.

What reminded me of it this time is President Bush's plan to return to the moon and have a manned flight to Mars. I'm a big fan of space flight, and I like his plan as much as his father's plan, who proposed the same thing in his State of the Union address in 1989.

But it's like blueberry pancakes. I can understand the political motivations for his 2005 budget and revision to immigration policy, but who is he trying to impress with this idea, the crowd that loves Spaceballs? "We will return to the moon. And on that spaceship will be a talking dog. And a ruggedly handsome pilot too wild for any woman to handle. Until now. Bush 2004!"

We're talking about terrorism, the budget deficit, universal health care, and tax cuts, and all of the sudden Bush announces, "Moon! I want to go to the moon! And Mars! Pretty, pretty rocks on Mars."

I haven't seen my classmate Dan for years. I wonder if he got into politics.

First Lines

I love writing sentences, paragraphs, and short essays, but the process of writing a short story or novel seems overwhelming. I have yet to develop the skill of breaking projects into manageable pieces. But that changes today.

I am going to write a story, a few sentences a day, starting today. I will continue this process for as many years as it takes me to finish the project, or until Thursday, when I get bored of it.

"His hands were as hard as ice and his heart as cold as a man who eats babies for breakfast with a side of wet puppy noses. Scrambled. No salt."

A slightly edited sign by a pond near my Mom's house.

Today's Trivia

Brought to you by the cover of a pack of Apples & Cinnamon Instant Oatmeal:

"Can you name the author of such 'rags-to-riches' classics as Luck & Pluck and Tattered Tom?"

Congratulations Britney!

In the lingering spirit of the holidays, I would like to offer my sincere congratulations and sympathy to Britney Spears, who married and annulled her marriage to a childhood friend last Saturday in a Las Vegas chapel. I hope their holy union can resist the pressures of the public spotlight and that the government processes their annulment without hassle. May their love be eternal and their hangovers the morning after short.

Hi! I'm gay. So, when's the next agenda meeting?

A few weeks ago, I went to a party for volunteers of Reel Affirmations, a gay film festival. I arrived, saw that they had run out of food, won a gift pack in a raffle, and left 15 minutes later. The gift pack had a "One in Ten" hat, a gray T-shirt with "Reel Affirmations", an umbrella with the same name, and two videos from the first season of the original British versoin of Queer As Folk. I am unsure whether to keep the gift pack or sell it to an evangelical Christian who wants to infiltrate the gay community.

U.G.C: "What a downpour! Good thing I have my gay umbrella. Being that I gay, you know."
GAY MAN WAITING AT CROSSWALK: "Mmm hmm."
U.G.C: "So...our mission to wreck the family is going pretty well, huh?'
GAY MAN: "What?"
U.G.C "One second." [click] [holds up purple tie]: "Okay. Yup, we sure are doing a good job pretending to love each other."
GAY MAN: "What are you talking about?"
U.G.C: "Into the tie, please."

Please ignore the post about me writing more often

I'm leaving town for a few days. It's too bad, because I have a REALLY funny story to write about. But I don't have time to write it now. Yup, no time at all. Absolutely no time. Can't waste a minute. Every second counts. Well, actually, every third second counts, plus seconds divisible by 15, but that's so complicated that I tell most people every second counts and they get the jist. Is it gist or jist? When a porn company has an unresolvable argument and splits into two, is it a jism or a schism?

Gotta go!

Back from the Holidays

After visiting my sister Michele in New York, we drove home with my sister Tina and spent the last week with my Mom. A pile of mental notes I made during my stay are now either in the dark corner under my mental desk or mistakenly flushed down the mental toilet after watching an episode of "Rich Girls," a show on MTV that provides the best argument in American history for a progressive tax system. These notes grow grander each day they are lost. I know I had the cure for cancer. It involved peaches, envisioning the cancer cells as those Tribbles from the original Star Trek, and a mass of white T-cells in the shape of James Kirk calmly firing a phaser set to "No More Trouble" at the cuddly masses of evil cancer cells.

I'll be writing more soon. And to all my friends, from fundamentalist Christian to non-practicing Christian, Happy Holidays!

What Embarassing Comment?

Obviously, the Bush administration can't airbush the "Mission Accomplished" sign to read "This Mission Accomplished." But what if government agencies wanted to edit out embarrassing comments in official records, or remove links to scientific studies that don't support their policies?

This isn't an academic question. The Washington Post has a good article where they summarize some of these changes made either under the direction of the White House or due to the agencies' own impetus.

I am sure that every administration tries to revise its words to one degree or another. But although the Internet has been around for over a decade, its reach only became powerful enough to motivate information scrubbing on the web in the past 5 or 6 years. The Bush administration is the first administration to have to deal with this issue fully.

And what pisses me off is that, given a chance to set a standard that will make it harder or easier for future presidents to do the same, they are leaning towards establishing lax standards through a creation of a culture where this type of thing is acceptable. (Isn't this the argument for more testing in schools and against Hollywood sex and violence?)

Sure, many top political appointees are replaced during new administrations, but the people actually removing the information aren't the agency heads. They're the web editors and the staff. The lower level people who tend to stay around from administration to administration and will do what they did before unless told otherwise. If the White House established a policy of "No content changes on the web for political purposes," it would make it more likely for these workers to protest attempts by future presidents, many of whom will give in to the same temptation.

Coming to a Porn Store Near You

"Return of the Kink"

Starring:
* Araporn
* Grima Longtongue
* Handsoff

and...?

I Saw This on a Bumper Sticker

I think when Jesus said "Love Your Enemies" he probably meant don't kill them.

I would like to see this on a bumper sticker:

(i'm a rebel with a cause, but no one has heard of my cause and i got tired of explaining it so i just call myself) REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE

Slogan of The Postal Service Mafia

"We know where you live."

Is This Wrong?

I put up a dry erase board in our kitchen today, and inaugurated it by witting this message. My roommates, one of who moved in a few weeks ago, haven't come home yet.

Washington Post Headlines

...
Court's Ruling Maddens Groups on Left and Right
Court's ruling: Groups on left and right suck.

Gephardt Aims for Populist Iowa Win
Gephardt aims for more people to vote for him than Dean? Huh?

Rat-Borne Disease Kills Zoo Monkey
Death seen as retaliation for last week's monkey-borne disease that maimed rat. Nobody screws with the rat.

Va. Plans Felony Spam Indictments
D.A. to send 1,000 indictments to each violator.

France Mulls Ban on Head Scarves
Finally! Another country that hates Muslims as much as we do.

New Antidepressants Warning Issued
Warning: assembling pills in pattern of frowny face mitigates pills' effectiveness.

Beyonce, R. Kelly Win 4 at Billboards
Beyonce thanks family, fans; R. Kelly thanks parole agent.

Flu Vaccines Still Available in District
"Yup," says jittery suburbanites. "They sure are."

Hobbit Fan Trailer

Although this fan trailer for The Hobbit is mostly existing LOTR footage edited together, it's worth watching because it's done so well, particularly the first half. Link from Boing Boing.

Mercury Free!

"High protein! Low fat!" That's some of the ad copy on my five-lb. bag of Trader Joe's Skinless, Boneless Chicken Breasts, written so shoppers will choose this five-lb. bag of skinless, boneless chicken breasts as opposed to one of the five-lb. bags of skinless, boneless chicken breasts sitting next to it.

Next to the announcement of these strange properties of chicken is "No hormones!" It made me feel relieved. And that worried me. Because if I saw "No hormones" on a box of Chips Ahoy! cookies, I wouldn't feel relieved. I'd wonder what the hell where hormones are doing in cookies in the first place. But my reaction made me realize that I've been conditioned to accept a level of crap in my food, ingredients and treatments that would shock people from a 100 years ago, and likely people a 100 years from now, in the same way the old practice of using mercury in everything from medicine to lead paint shocks us.

It turns out that "No hormones!" is as silly of a claim for chicken as "Low fat!" The USDA bans hormones from being used in raising hogs or poultry, and requires manufactures that put "No hormones!" on the packaging to also put "Federal regulations prohibit the use of hormones in poultry" [or pigs].

And if you're not yet convinced I need to leave the house more often, after I read this on the USDA's web site, and mused about the interplay of all these messages while eating a Twix bar, I wondered if all of these messages were just a way for a subversive copywriter at Trader Joe's to get people thinking along these very same lines. For if the package only had "No hormones!" on it, and the USDA disclaimer, I wouldn’t have given this a second thought. It was this message next to all these obviously silly messages that got me thinking.

Perhaps it was the copywriter pressuring management to put "No MSG!" and "Minimally processed!" on the package, each exclamation point a gentle nudge to consider why the lack of perversion of our food should make us excited. Perhaps this was his or her way to inflame the hearts of the buccaneers that patronize Trader Joe's, to light the trick birthday candle in all our hearts, the candle that lights again ever after it's blown out, unless you douse it in water, the water that melts from the frozen chicken after you put it in the refrigerator to defrost.

For the record, I was outside for 15 minutes today.

My First Earthquake!

I felt an earthquake today! I am really excited. I always wanted to feel one. Several months ago, when I was in California, I jumped up and down for an hour but nothing happened.

Here's my earthquake story. It was around 4:00 today. I was writing on the computer. My room shook a bit. I thought it was the trucks outside. Then I took a nap.

You can read more Earthquake 2003 stories in this article from The Washington Post, which is how I found out I was in an earthquake.

Update: The Washington Post put up a forum for people to post their earthquake stories. What struck me is that several people wrote something along the lines of "I was glad it was only an earthquake." There's still a lot of fear out there.

Remember When You Were a Kid And You Were Lost in a Store?

This is the first article I've read about false memories. I thought I read other articles on the subject, but after reading this one, I remembered the truth.

Wait a minute...

I hope the dependence on witness testimony in court cases is an artifact of the movies and not a practice in real-life. Sure, I'm aware that memory can be manipulated and fallible, but I don't live my life constantly questioning their accuracy or wondering if the few memories I have from childhood are true. I doubt anyone does. Life has enough doubt as it is. But (read this guardedly) most of us can remember a time when we or a friend of ours was positive this happened that way, or we definitely parked here, but it actually happened the other way, or we parked over there.

But occasionally I'll hear of a person wrongly imprisoned, usually based on the testimony of one or two people whose certainty in their false memories swayed a jury, and I wonder how often it happens. Is eyewitness testimony sufficiently doubted in today's judicial system? Should it be trusted at all?

There's no way I'm ending on such a pretentious note. This is one of the quotes from the article:
"In one study published last year, 50% of volunteers were persuaded they had taken a ride in a hot-air balloon when they had not. But when Kathy Pezdek of the Claremont Graduate University, California, tried to make people believe they had received a rectal enema, she met with almost universal resistance."

How To Tell If You Are a Loser

Important:
If the link above is flashing, you have been selected as a Winner! Click here for your prize!!!

Gore to Endorse Dean?

The AP says Gore will endorse Dean tomorrow. If it's true, it is amazing that Gore would back a candidate weeks before the first primary, particularly because of the concerns of Dean's electability. What did Dean promise him, to create a Department of 'Bush Sucks' if Dean's elected?

You know, there are four or five candidates running for the Democratic nomination that would make a good president. It's too bad they can't join forces and assemble into a giant Voltron-like robot. At the debates, it would be 6-foot President Bush vs. 20-foot Demtron.

PRESIDENT BUSH: "I support our troops and what we did in Iraq."
DEMTRON RIGHT-ARM (Kerry): "Don't equate supporting the troops with getting us into an unnecessary war. I spilled my blood in Vietnam, jackass. "
DEMTRON WAVY HAIR (Sharpton): "While you flew the coop, he was one of the troops."
PRESIDENT BUSH: "How dare you call me a jackass?"
DEMTRON HEAD (Lieberman): "That was a little uncivil."
DEMTRON LEFT ARM (Dean) "You want to see uncivil?" [makes middle finger]
DEMTRON RIGHT-ARM (Kerry) [high-fives Dean] "Mission accomplished!"
DEMTRON HEAD (Lieberman): "Now, boys…"
PRESIDENT BUSH: "You either apologize or I'll end this debate right now."
DEMTRON LEFT ARM (Dean): "Sounds good. Clark, would you like to do the honors?"
DEMTRON RIGHT LEG (Clark): "Mr. President, if you could pull down your pants and bend over?"
PRESIDENT BUSH: "What the?"
DEMTRON HEAD (Lieberman): "Wesley!"
DEMTRON RIGHT LEG (Clark): "Say hello to Froggy for me." [kicks Bush in butt. Bush sails across room and into the arms of a horrified Dick Cheney.]
DEMTRON HEAD (Lieberman): [sighs]: "Sometimes I wish I were just a head in a jar."

Mission Still Accomplished

From CNN Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer:

BLITZER: Was it a mistake when the president appeared on the USS Abraham Lincoln May 1st, declared major combat operations over, and there was a huge banner, as you remember, saying "Mission Accomplished"? Looking back on the White House role, you're the chief of the staff for the White House, was it a mistake for the White House to be involved in putting that banner up on the Abraham Lincoln?

ANDREW CARD [White House Chief of Staff]: Well, it was a spectacular visit by the president to the troops on that ship that had accomplished an important mission for their country. And the president was there to celebrate the successes of those particular sailors and Marines and the great work that they did. They were on an unusually long deployment.

And they were the ones who requested that slogan; their mission had been accomplished. And yes, the White House did produce the banner, but it was produced at the recommendation of the request of the sailors and the Marines that were on the ship.

SAILORS: "President Bush, can we have a 'Mission Accomplished' banner behind you on the ship?"
BUSH: "No, it wouldn't be right. The military action was the easy part. We still have a long way to go."
SAILORS: "Come on, Mr. Bush. Please?"
BUSH: "I'm sorry, but it would be premature at this point."
SAILORS: "Weeee-neeeer….weeee-neeeer."
BUSH: "My draft board called me worse."
HARVARD MAN: "That's right, guys. Don't try to convince him. He's a Yalie. The spirit of those foppers are as weak as their crew team."
BUSH: "You crimson bastard! How dare you sully my alma matter? [slaps Harvard Man with fencing glove] Put it up! Put the banner up!"
SAILORS: "YEAH! Bulldog! Bulldog! Bow, wow, wow! Our team can never fail!"

The second paragraph in this article, "Torture Rife in Uzbek 'Health Farm' Jail" could have come straight from The Onion.

JASLIK, Uzbekistan (Reuters) - Muzafar Avazov's teeth were smashed and his fingernails ripped out by the time he died, but the head of the Uzbek jail where he was killed says the prison is like a health farm.

"Prisoners live in comfort, eat scrumptious food and play soccer. All is great," said Col. Alikhaidar Kolumbetov, sitting in a throne-like black and gold armchair.

...

Laura Bush Asked to Help Chinese Dissidents

George W. Bush: No.
Cheney: No.
State Department: No.
U.S. Ambassador: No.
Obi Wan Kenobi: No.
Outkast: Alright alright alright alirght alright alright no.
Xing Xing: No No.

Already halfway around the Internet

Search for "miserable failure" in Google.

Book Review: The Da Vinci Code

What makes "The Da Vinci Code," a thriller that has been on the New York Times Bestseller list for months now, worth reading is the many fascinating facts about art history, word origins, pagan symbols and Christianity that author Dan Brown weaves into the story.

These bits of trivia may be obvious to art students and etymology buffs, but for me, moments like finding out how the Egyptian god and goddess for fertility, Amon and Isis (whose ancient pictogram was once called L'ISA) inspired the name for one of Da Vinci's most famous paintings is enough to make the book worth reading. (Brown gives several examples of Da Vinci inserting symbols of paganism and subtle digs at Christianity in his works. News to me.)

The "Da Vinci Code" reminds me of old science fiction that survived on the strength of its ideas rather than the quality of its writing. The writing in this book is terrible. Brown uses adjectives and adverbs in his sentences the way McDoanld's uses salt on its fries. And his descriptions of places and people ring hollow. When the main character has a flashback to a symbolism class at Harvard he taught, I thought:

1) Dan Brown has never taught a class at Harvard, or any college.
2) "Saved By The Bell" is going to sue his ass.

While the plot isn't particularly inventive, it kept me turning the pages. It is kind of like watching a soap opera that makes you roll your eyes with the cheesy music and lingering close-ups, but keeps you watching when the heiress' husband, supposedly dead, shows up drenching wet at her door before the commercial break.

In short, this is a book of very interesting ideas about symbols and history with a decent plot that makes up for the poor writing. I won't go into the central and most interesting argument in the book, but it involves the Holy Grail not being a grail, and Brown provides enough evidence to at least make one wonder if it could be true.

My rating:

Rich people: Buy it.
Middle class people: Worth $12-$15.
Poor people: Borrow it from the library.

Sangfroid

Blood cold.

56A: Panana Canal engineer (?)

I need an erudite crossword puzzle partner. Today's puzzle in the Washington Post is a typical example of how I do:

15A: Norwegian saint (4): Um...
16A: Model Macpherson: Elle!
31A: Leb. neighbor (3): Um...
32A: Popeye's nemesis: Bruno!

It's not the case that some of the answers are "on the tip of the tongue" or ready to surface in a blaze of neurological activity once I find out the first letter starts with "T". I just don't know who engineered the Panama Canal. I never knew it. And even if I check the answer key tomorrow, I will only know it for the few seconds before the Bo and Luke Duke brain cells drive up in the General Lee brain cell and fire arrows into its chassy.

That's why I need someone familiar with geography and foreign cultures but not the name of the actor who plays Legolas. A tenacious tag-team that tears through 22 Across (mayor of Tijuana) and the five-letter name for the turtle in Super Mario Bros. A team that can burst through the "where shy flowers stand by at dances (4)" that stops your average fan of crossword puzzles.

Or maybe I should just bug my friends. Anyone know a five-letter word for "Arboreal mammal?"

(Word quiz: What's another name or object longer than "Panama Canal" that alternates between consonants and vowels?)

So That's Where the Insurgents are Getting the Potato Guns From

Why is one of Saddam's top aides, and the man most wanted in Iraq besides Hussein, Irish?

Hodgepodge

"But the marketing wizards apparently saw him as a man willing to sell his soul. They asked him to incorporate a character of theirs called Robotman. Robotman's licensing was already under way, they told him, and if there was a place for their character in Watterson's strip, then there was a place for Watterson at United Features."

From an article on Bill Watterson, the reclusive creator of "Calvin and Hobbes."

In the "Two Towers Special Edition DVD," one of the new scenes occurs right before Gandalf frees Theoden from Saruman's spell. The wizard points his staff at Theodoen and says, "Time for an extreme makeover, bitch."

My birthday was yesterday. The actual day was a dud, but the days leading up to it were great. A few friends took me to a Russian restaurant and I had a great time with my family, despite their continued attempts to quash my budding career in photography. Michele's description on what people think of the photos on the web site: "He tricks them into coming with the comedy and then springs the photos on them."

Zombie Needs

Brains!

Tonight on Leno

I watched Leno for a few minutes tonight. A woman from Sea World was on with a brigade of furry, cute animals. One of them looked like a cross between a raccoon and a koala. This isn't a word-for-word transcript of what Jay said, but it's very close:

LENO [animal crawling of his shoulder]: "Now, I noticed they have very soft fur. Is that why they're endangered, because of their fur?"
WOMAN "Actually, it's because they only live in the forests in Madagascar, and 90 percent of their habitat has been destroyed."
LENO: "Do they make good house pets?"
WOMAN: [stunned pause] "Um, no. They're an endangered animal. There are only 1,000 of them left."

Here Comes the Sun

Doo doo doo doo...

Top 10 images of the sun. They are amazing.

Coincidence

A few posts ago, I asked if anyone knew what this is. In the comments, Sammy included a link to an unrelated comic. The ad on the page? This.

I Love You Too, Jjhleftbbuutbb

I got some unexpected good news today. A young vixen, Jjhleftbbuutbb (French?), wants to go out with me. We've never met, but I think she is attracted to the sly underscore in my email address. John Dvorak says it's like a feather in a pimp's cap.

Jjh-Lo loves camping, 4-wheelers, rollerblading, swimming, BBQs, road trips, Cedar Point, etc. My heart skipped when I read her words. I love road trips in my 4-wheelers to Cedar Point. And who knows what etc. means? I hope it means "buying my boyfriend video games and having a sexy, gay brother."

The downside is that she seem a little desperate. "If i match somthing [sic] you want just come and talk [sic] to me on the site." (lovinggoneright.com). And she's "ALWAYS laughing/smiling" which, if you think about it, would get creepy real fast. Especially at funerals.

Joe Millionaire 2

A story on Joe Millionaire 2's low ratings led me to the show's message boards, where tens of people analyzed the shocking ending:

(courtesy of JOHNNYF10)
It was amazing how happy David was when the butler gave him his own house.

He is a simple man, a cowboy who just want's to be left alone on his ranch.

But he really wanted a girlfriend because, as much as he loves his horse and dog, he could not develop a deep enough relationship with them to find happiness.

Now he has Linda to ride on the horse with him.

It's like a fairytale.

The end.

Does anyone know what this is?

I found it on a mountain yesterday. It's an inch tall.

A Joke for Obsessive Compulsive Mini Page Readers

Q: What's cooler than being cool?
A: Ice cold!

Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright.

About the lack of comedy recently

It's due to a mix of motivation and being busier than usual. I've spent most of my creative energies the past several days on a small freelance assignment. I'll tell you what it is once it gets approved.

Yes, that's a ton of lettuce

* One of the Washington Post's most loved and hated columnists is Leving. (I have a few friends who are now crying with joy.)

* Howard Kurtz's response to my question in his chat today:

Arlington, Va.: I disagree with your analysis on the Weekly Standard story about the supposed bin Laden-Hussein connection. I think the real reason this story hasn't got much attention is because Bush, Cheney, Rice and Rumsfeld, who in the past have willingly sighted specious evidence to support various claims on Iraq, haven't said: "See? This proves our case."

That's an important mark of whether a story like this has any meat in it (and it's one that doesn't require journalists to do extensive analysis of the info in the memo and risk getting fooled again). If there was new information in this story that could be supported after a rigorous analysis, wouldn't the Bush administration seize upon it, especially considering they've promoted flimsier evidence in the past? Has any major Republican leader, or non-partisan leader of the intelligence community, supported the claims of this story?

Howard Kurtz: In fact, the Defense Department disputed the notion that there was new and conclusive evidence here. But it's certainly worthy of media debate. This was, after all, a previously undisclosed administration memo on a controversial subject to which the press has devoted acres of type during the whole Saddam/9-11/uranium/WMD/terrorism debate. As I mentioned in today's column, the NYT and WP did come around to doing more substantive analyses of the memo obtained by the Standard.

Opus Returns

The first of Berkeley Breathed's "Opus" appears this Sunday. His chat today with the Washington Post is great.

This is one of the best Tom the Dancing Bugs ever. Yeah, you have to watch an ad to read it. Suck it up.

"Leaders of the al Qaeda terrorist network have franchised their organization's brand of synchronized, devastating violence to homegrown terrorist groups across the world, posing a formidable new challenge to counterterrorism forces, according to intelligence analysts and experts in the United States, Europe and the Arab world."

Great. Now they're McQaeda. Who's their new leader, the Hamburgler?

The Two Best Mark Trails Ever

1 and 2

The Massachusetts Ruling

From a Washington Post online chat today with Renee Landers, president of the Boston Bar Association:

"washingtonpost.com: Renee Landers, thank you for being with us today. Please explain what comes next now that the Massachusetts Supreme Court has ruled against the state ban on same-sex marriage.

Renee Landers: The Supreme Judicial Court's opinion essentially gives the legislature 180 days to enact amendments to Massachusetts statutes that would give effect to the court's opinion, that is, to recognize marriage in order to eliminate discriminations that attach to couples who are not permitted to marry. If the legislature does not enact appropriate amendments to the statutes within that time period, the Superior Court(the state trial court) would have the ability to enter an order implementing the SJC opinion. After 180 days, as a result of either legislative action or an order by the Superior Court, marriage licenses should begin to be granted to same-sex couples.

Another possibility would be for the legislature to begin the lengthy process for amending the state constitution to overrule the court's opinion. The process for amending the constitution calls for two successive legislatures to vote favorably on an amendment and for that amendment to be submitted to the voters after the legislative action is completed. At a minimum, this process takes 3 years. The earliest such an amendment could appear on the state ballot would be November 2006."

***
She gives a good summary of the ruling's effects. From what I understand, gay marriage will be legally recognized in Massachusetts within 180 days, either by the legislature's hand or the courts'. Making Massachusetts the first state to do so.