Thansgiving Fun

* While making Thanksgiving dinner, I asked my Mom what was in this bowl of sweet-smelling herbs. "Guess. You can test your smell." Two seconds later, as I'm still in the process of bending over to smell then, she blurts out "Sage!"

ME: "Why did you tell me before I could guess?"
MOM: "I like to cheat."

* "Sous Chef" is a fancy name for "chump who is unable or not trusted to cook." I am always the Sous Chef on Thanksgiving.

* Mom has a hand-painted serving platter that she got from France. She loves this platter. I didn't realize how much she loved it until she handed it to me to put on the dining table. "Jason. if you drop this, I will kill you. [laughter] I am serious. I will show no mercy." After we stop laughing, she took the Death Platter back from me and put it on the table herself.

* I bought myself a hand blender for my birthday next week. Mom reimbursed me, and then Michele said she wanted to pay for the gift.

MOM: "Okay. You owe me $40."
MICHELE: "$40? Jason told me it was $20."
TINA: [looking to me] "I thought you said it was $30."
ME: "It is $30. They are trying to one-up each other."

Finally, a Holiday We Can All Get Behind

Talk Like a Pirate Day!

I don't know if this episode aired yet, but apparantly a pirate family appeared on ABC's Wife Swap.

Halloween, 2

Damn kids. I bought $8 of candy, and not a single kid knocked on our door for Halloween. I even left the outdoor light on this year. And removed the guard dog. Well, it was a garden gnome, but kids are very sensitive, and I'm a compassionate being.

Damn kids.

Halloween, 1

I used to come up with great ideas for Halloween costumes. As a kid, I was Count Bozo (a vampire clown), a Whatchamacallit, and the Pumpkin Warrior. This year, the best I could think of was Larry McPantsHead, the guy with pants on his head.

What did you go as?

New Rules for Holidays

We need stricter criteria for judging who gets to celebrate holidays. For Veteran's Day, the only people who should get off are veterans. Or at least rename the holiday, "Veterans, Government Workers, Some Private Businesses, Groggy and Not Wanting To Come Into Work So I'll Call In Sick Cough Cough Day."

And Columbus Day is a joke. If you haven't subjugated at least one Native American in the past five years, get off the gravy train and go to work.

For Father's Day, your children need to have been planned. No more getting presents from accidents.

For the Fourth of July, almost everybody gets to stay home. The exception: Rush Limbaugh listeners and other chickenhawks, who get a two-week tour of duty in Iraq. And if there's room on the plane, we cen send over a few devout Christians who supported the war and think there's an asterisk next to "Thou Shalt Not Kill".

Halloween

Anyone dressing up in a flight suit and a cod piece?

Why I Shouldn't Have Kids

I'd make them wear this for Halloween.

I Need To Start Going To Church More Often

Actors Whip Easter Bunny at Church Show

Melissa Salzmann, who brought her 4-year-old son J.T., said the program was inappropriate for young children. "He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped," Salzmann said.

Because, J.T., that's what happens to people who don't eat their eggs. So perhaps you don't want to scream at Mommy tomorrow during breakfast.

Only on April Fool's Day

Britain: Chicken-Equipped Nuke Not a Hoax

Halloween Costume Ideas

Costume Ideas for Halloween

Halloween is more than candy. It's a chance to ignore the social norms that normally govern our lives. To push the boundaries of taste and acceptability further than you can push them the other 364 days a year. In short, if you're dressing up as a ghost or a pirate, you're wasting your one chance to be an oyster that can pop pearls out of places pearls usually don't pop.

And that place is a Nerf gun. But if a pearl-popping oyster isn't your idea of a good time (freak), one of these costumes is sure to do the trick.

Reverse Santa Claus--Don a blue Santa Claus costume. When you enter the room, say "Oh, oh oh!" and take gifts, like candlesticks, jewelry, and wallets. When people express reservations about what you're doing, wink at them and says, "Oh oh oh! Would there be a twinkle in my eye if I were really stealing these items? Oh oh oh!" Then flee to Mexico.

SpongeBox--Based on the Nickelodeon cartoon "SpongeBob," the SpongeBox costume is sure to delight both children and adults. SpongeBox is an old man in a cardboard box giving himself sponge baths.

"Bitch"--You know that really annoying person in your life who complains about everything, criticizes your looks, and tries to sleep with your boyfriend? Convince her to dress up as a witch. Then follow her around with a megaphone and yell, "Look, it's a bitch!"

Jiggolow--Dress as a Chippendale's dancer. When people ask, "Are you a gigolo?" respond, "No, I'm a jigg-o-low--cause the jiggling's down low!" Then drop a hamster down your pants.

That Guy--You know that guy who was, like, in Short Circuit, and then he starred in that baby movie with those two other guys? Dress like him.

Popeye the Siamese Sailor Man--Get a friend. One of you is dressed as a sailor. The other just likes spinach.

The Great Beardini--Three weeks before Halloween, stop shaving. Don a black veil. On Halloween, remove your veil and say, "Ta da!"

Magic Breasts Woman--Construct a pair of fake breasts that can be controlled remotely. When a man ogles your chest, slowly move your breasts together until they pass each other and switch positions. Then get a friend to slap the guy on the back, permanently making him cross-eyed.

T-Shirto--Wear dozens of T-shirts over your body: legs, arms, torso, and naughty bits. Don a red cap, or a garbage bag if you're going ghetto. When people ask you what you are, say "I am T-Shirtoooo!" If they ask what your super powers are, say "I am T-Shirtoooo!" Repeat until they go away. (Note: This is currently my top idea for a Halloween costume.)

Cockeyed

There is this awesome web site called Cockeyed.com. Essentially, it's about a guy who has a lot of fun with life. One of the best sections is "Incredible Stuff I Made", like this Halloween costume.