For 7 years, I had a dream to do stand-up comedy, but I never got beyond the stage of fantasizing about it because I stutter, sometimes severely. Besides the fear of stuttering in front of a large group of strangers, I couldn't see how I could be successful in an art where timing is everything.
Well, I still stutter, but I decided to practice a short stand-up act and perform it at the National Stuttering Association convention (a.k.a. "Stutterpalooza") in Nashville. The extremely bare-bones version of the story is that I performed my routine at the closing ceremonies in front of a few hundred people. I told myself before I took the stage that just getting up there, no matter how it went, would be a success. Just between you and me (okay, and Tibor too) I also secretly wanted to make their spleens explode from laughing. I got nowhere close, but I got enough laughs and compliments afterwards that I'm thinking about giving it another shot.
I have a lot more to say about the experience, and the conference itself, but after replaying a tape recording of my act several times and watching the emotion and memory bleed away from it with every playing, I'm not sure I want to replay it again, even if the replaying is in a different medium.
June 30, 2003
June 26, 2003
See Ya
At 4:30 A.M. tomorrow, I’ll be awake and off to my secret mission. I call it a secret mission because one, only a few people know of it, and two, I need more excitement in my life and humming the Mission Impossible theme as I roll out of bed isn’t doing it.
If any part of my endeavor succeeds, I’ll recount it when I get back on Monday. Otherwise, you’ll never hear about it again, just like all my failures, including the time I ran into a giant snapping turtle. (All I’m going to say is that if the turtle didn’t want anyone sitting on it, it shouldn’t have had a butt-shaped divot on its shell.)
If any part of my endeavor succeeds, I’ll recount it when I get back on Monday. Otherwise, you’ll never hear about it again, just like all my failures, including the time I ran into a giant snapping turtle. (All I’m going to say is that if the turtle didn’t want anyone sitting on it, it shouldn’t have had a butt-shaped divot on its shell.)
June 25, 2003
Hey Pi-ratz! Free musik.
Occasionally I come across an awesome song that just begs to be shared.
"Please, please share me," says the song. "I'm really catchy, I compress really well, and I'll be your bestest friend."
"Okay, song" I say. "But if I hear anyone complaining about distortion or lameness..."
"Oh, don't worry! I'll be melodic, funkadelic, and earn you mucho respect. Please please please please please..."
"Okay, okay. Hold on to your electrons. I'm sending you over."
This song is Ja Sei Namorar by Tribalistas (click on the band to buy the CD). I've listened to a few of their others songs and they're almost as good, although not as infectious.
"Please, please share me," says the song. "I'm really catchy, I compress really well, and I'll be your bestest friend."
"Okay, song" I say. "But if I hear anyone complaining about distortion or lameness..."
"Oh, don't worry! I'll be melodic, funkadelic, and earn you mucho respect. Please please please please please..."
"Okay, okay. Hold on to your electrons. I'm sending you over."
This song is Ja Sei Namorar by Tribalistas (click on the band to buy the CD). I've listened to a few of their others songs and they're almost as good, although not as infectious.
Dream
I'm calling in my dream chip today, the once-a-season chip I give myself for a self-indulgent post about my dreams, an infinitely interesting subject to myself, and a likely infinitely uninteresting subject to everyone else.
Have you ever waken up form a dream, and then after something freaky happened realized you were still in a dream? That happened to me five times in succession this morning. It was like entering parallel Universes of my life where the main events were the same but the details varied. The programs on my computer were different. A telemarketer called in two of the dreams and offered me a job (different job in each dream). In the second dream, he asked, "Did I talk to you before?" And, among other themes, I kept on waking up late for an appointment I had that day, albeit at different times in each dream.
Each time I "woke up", I caught on quicker that I was still dreaming, at which point I would try to get out of it. Nothing I did worked. In the last dream, I was almost hysterical. I pleaded with my sister Michele to help me get out. She said, "Don't worry, just listen to this record." "What is the record supposed to do?" "Don't worry. Just listen to it." She put on a record by Belle and Sebastian. After a few seconds, I got drowsy and closed my eyes. When I tried to open my eyes again, I had to force them open, and when I did, I was finally awake.
Have you ever waken up form a dream, and then after something freaky happened realized you were still in a dream? That happened to me five times in succession this morning. It was like entering parallel Universes of my life where the main events were the same but the details varied. The programs on my computer were different. A telemarketer called in two of the dreams and offered me a job (different job in each dream). In the second dream, he asked, "Did I talk to you before?" And, among other themes, I kept on waking up late for an appointment I had that day, albeit at different times in each dream.
Each time I "woke up", I caught on quicker that I was still dreaming, at which point I would try to get out of it. Nothing I did worked. In the last dream, I was almost hysterical. I pleaded with my sister Michele to help me get out. She said, "Don't worry, just listen to this record." "What is the record supposed to do?" "Don't worry. Just listen to it." She put on a record by Belle and Sebastian. After a few seconds, I got drowsy and closed my eyes. When I tried to open my eyes again, I had to force them open, and when I did, I was finally awake.
Thump Thump Thump
On a staircase at a parking garage, I saw a sign that said "Warning! Slippery while wet."
Is there anything that's not slippery while wet? This sign is essentially saying, "Warning! Cement-based staircase does not mitigate slippery property of water when said water rests on surface."
What would be an interesting sign is "Not slippery while wet." This staircase of the future would have hot air steamers underneath the concrete or Velcro seeds that sprout immediately when wet. And---this is the most important part--it would be a moving staircase. But not like an escalator, because that has already been done.
Do you know the story of the man who tried to jump in his pants to save time? Although that was stupid, when are architects going to start putting roofless moonbounces under windows so people can exit quicker?
Is there anything that's not slippery while wet? This sign is essentially saying, "Warning! Cement-based staircase does not mitigate slippery property of water when said water rests on surface."
What would be an interesting sign is "Not slippery while wet." This staircase of the future would have hot air steamers underneath the concrete or Velcro seeds that sprout immediately when wet. And---this is the most important part--it would be a moving staircase. But not like an escalator, because that has already been done.
Do you know the story of the man who tried to jump in his pants to save time? Although that was stupid, when are architects going to start putting roofless moonbounces under windows so people can exit quicker?
June 24, 2003
Washington Post Headlines
I've been both lazy and busy lately. Hence the easy comedy.
Health Premiums Set to Jump Again
Police Try to Talk Premiums Down from Building
WHO Lifts SARS Advisory for Beijing
Replaces It with SARS Death Watch
Commuters Find Daily Enlightenment
Honking Horn Almost As Fun As Shooting People
Justice Backs Evangelists in Schools
Evangelists to Fight with Pepsi, Channel One TV for Kids’ Minds and Souls
Health Premiums Set to Jump Again
Police Try to Talk Premiums Down from Building
WHO Lifts SARS Advisory for Beijing
Replaces It with SARS Death Watch
Commuters Find Daily Enlightenment
Honking Horn Almost As Fun As Shooting People
Justice Backs Evangelists in Schools
Evangelists to Fight with Pepsi, Channel One TV for Kids’ Minds and Souls
June 23, 2003
Washington Post Headlines
Blood, Guts, Brains & Spirit
Satanic Taoist Band Sweeps Nation
Outside, the Mosquitoes Are Hungry
Zombies Not Far Behind
Software Shows Clients the Money
Mean Software Then Hides Money, Pretends It Doesn’t Know What Clients Are Talking About
Survey Shows Universe's Growth
73% of Respondents Welcome ‘More Room For Stuff’
GWU Will Educate Saudi Royals
America Is Good. You Love America. McDonalds Has Tasty Fries…
Satanic Taoist Band Sweeps Nation
Outside, the Mosquitoes Are Hungry
Zombies Not Far Behind
Software Shows Clients the Money
Mean Software Then Hides Money, Pretends It Doesn’t Know What Clients Are Talking About
Survey Shows Universe's Growth
73% of Respondents Welcome ‘More Room For Stuff’
GWU Will Educate Saudi Royals
America Is Good. You Love America. McDonalds Has Tasty Fries…
June 21, 2003
Props
Thanks to db's monitoring blog and Everybody Got Their Something for the links. Although I neurotically check my server logs, the system I'm on rarely picks up where traffic is coming from, so let me know if I missed you.
June 20, 2003
This Is So, So Cruel
I cringed at every page but I couldn't stop reading. They found a kid in high school with a crush on Jodie Sweetin, who played "Stephanie" on "Full House," and started a fake romance with him. It's still going on.
June 19, 2003
Mr. Edison
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls, and it looks like work.”
- Thomas Edison
Okay, Edison is probably right. But after reading this quote, I had an insatiable desire to reanimate his corpse just so I could punch him.
EDISON: “Wha…what? Those lights? I’m alive. Is this the future?”
ME: “Yes it is, Mr. Edison.”
EDISON: “Hmm. By the appearance of your dirty overalls, it seems that you are a farmer, young man.”
ME: “No, granddad. I’m opportunity. And I’ve come to pay you another visit. POW!”
EDISON: “Ouch! Dear heavens, why did you do that?”
ME: “We got a little saying in Opportunity Town. It’s called, “The Early Bird Gets The Fist In The Face.” BA-BAM!
EDISON: “Oh, my! Everything is growing dark.”
ME: “Sounds like you need 100 watts of fist.” [EDISON slumps down on ground. I pull out a cigar and light it by striking it across my face.]
ME: “Edison. You’re Edi-DONE.” [laugh uproariously until credits roll.]
I need counseling.
- Thomas Edison
Okay, Edison is probably right. But after reading this quote, I had an insatiable desire to reanimate his corpse just so I could punch him.
EDISON: “Wha…what? Those lights? I’m alive. Is this the future?”
ME: “Yes it is, Mr. Edison.”
EDISON: “Hmm. By the appearance of your dirty overalls, it seems that you are a farmer, young man.”
ME: “No, granddad. I’m opportunity. And I’ve come to pay you another visit. POW!”
EDISON: “Ouch! Dear heavens, why did you do that?”
ME: “We got a little saying in Opportunity Town. It’s called, “The Early Bird Gets The Fist In The Face.” BA-BAM!
EDISON: “Oh, my! Everything is growing dark.”
ME: “Sounds like you need 100 watts of fist.” [EDISON slumps down on ground. I pull out a cigar and light it by striking it across my face.]
ME: “Edison. You’re Edi-DONE.” [laugh uproariously until credits roll.]
I need counseling.
Headlines From The Washington Post
Hispanics Declared Largest Minority
Taco Bell Blamed For Record Girth
Lessons Are Hard-Learned in Congo
‘G Before N, Unless There Are Two Os’ Confusing
Bush: Tax Cuts Will Boost Economy
Monocle Sales Up 72%
Y Chromosome Can Fix Gene Errors
X Chromosome Drinks Beer All Day, Fixes Nothing
Mind Games May Trump Alzheimer's
Scientists Recommend Ignoring Grandma, Pretending Like She’s Not There
If you're wondering why I am posting so much today, the answer is simple: I am working on a job application.
Writing Lesson #1: Clichés
Here's a quick lesson that will help you breath life into the dead chipmunk that you call your writing.
When writing, avoid using clichés. For one, it's a French word, and everything French is bad. Two, robots use clichés, and no one can compete with robots.
For example:
Bad: Avoid clichés like the plaque.
Good: Avoid clichés like a President avoids hookers with multisyllabic names.
Bad: I have a love-hate relationship with Dr. Laura. I love to hate her.
Good: I have a hate-love-love-hate-relationship with birthmarks in the shape of Warren Beatty's right nipple. I hate to love to love to hate them.
When you win the Pulitzer, please invite me to the banquet. I hear they have half-price drinks.
When writing, avoid using clichés. For one, it's a French word, and everything French is bad. Two, robots use clichés, and no one can compete with robots.
For example:
Bad: Avoid clichés like the plaque.
Good: Avoid clichés like a President avoids hookers with multisyllabic names.
Bad: I have a love-hate relationship with Dr. Laura. I love to hate her.
Good: I have a hate-love-love-hate-relationship with birthmarks in the shape of Warren Beatty's right nipple. I hate to love to love to hate them.
When you win the Pulitzer, please invite me to the banquet. I hear they have half-price drinks.
June 18, 2003
Jay-Z
I’d like to dedicate this next post to Andrew Malone, who also has a middle name but I’m too lazy to type it out, although, if I invested a few seconds of forethought before writing this sentence, I would have realized that any explanation of not typing a name would be longer than actually writing the name. His middle name is Sphincter. And he dreams of Lil' Kim (5/27 post)
Hip-Hop’s Believe It or Not: In the intro of Jay-Z’s cover of “It’s a Hard Knock Life”, the rapper says “Take the baseline out”…but the baseline reappears 10 seconds later!
Hip-Hop’s Believe It or Not: In the intro of Jay-Z’s cover of “It’s a Hard Knock Life”, the rapper says “Take the baseline out”…but the baseline reappears 10 seconds later!
June 17, 2003
You Go, Girl
I don't have a use for this line yet, but I want to post it before it descends past the comedy event horizon.
"He has more issues than a misprinted box of Kleenex."
"He has more issues than a misprinted box of Kleenex."
The Light of My Life
Fred Flintstone camera! Fred Flintstone camera! I just sent in my 2 UPC symbols from specially marked boxes of Cocoa Pebbles. Six to eight weeks and I’ll show all those fancy digital camera owners who got the real skillz. Yabba Dabba Doo, I ate two boxes of cereal the color of poo!
June 16, 2003
The Po Man's Ski Mask
I have a better sentence than jail time for the CEOs of Enron and other people who drained the savings of employees and investors. Hairnets, worn 24/7. Why? Because nobody takes orders from a person in a hairnet. These guys won’t be able to make a bad business decision, or any decision, for the rest of their lives. The hairnet, although a mere lattice of coal-colored polyester and elastic, crushes the allure of three-piece suits, BMWs, and Cuban cigars like a cafeteria lady crushes a student with the odor of a two-day-old Sloppy Joe. Kids could practice their basketball skills while flinging rocks at Kenneth Lay. “Nothing but hairnet!”
June 15, 2003
June 12, 2003
Rejection Letter
Welch Foods Inc.
Jams and Jellies Division
575 Virginia Road
Concord, MA 01742
Dear Mr. Stephenson,
Thank you for your application to Welch Foods Inc. for the position of Web Editor. We regret to inform you that, after carefully reviewing your application, we feel that you are not ready for our jelly. We wish you the best of luck with your job search.
Sincerely,
Priscilla Clarkson
Human Resources Manager
Jams and Jellies Division
575 Virginia Road
Concord, MA 01742
Dear Mr. Stephenson,
Thank you for your application to Welch Foods Inc. for the position of Web Editor. We regret to inform you that, after carefully reviewing your application, we feel that you are not ready for our jelly. We wish you the best of luck with your job search.
Sincerely,
Priscilla Clarkson
Human Resources Manager
A Prediction from Nostradamus
In 2020, the first woman President, a Democrat, will be elected to the White House. Her challenger, a Republican black man, puts up a good fight but ends up losing too many voters to the Independent candidate, a transsexual named DeeDee McMyers. This historic first is marred by a wave of death in South, due to the mysteriously simultaneous popping of hundreds of thousands of forehead veins.
June 10, 2003
Monkeys Framed Again
Move over SARS. Here comes monkeypox, the made-for-comedy disease that's sweeping the nation.
A quote from a Washington Post article:
"Prairie dogs are believed to be the source of an outbreak of the monkeypox virus in the Midwest, health officials said."
Which brings me to this question: WHO'S THE SICK BASTARD TRYING TO PASS THIS ON THE MONKEYS? If prairie dogs are the source, then let's call the virus by its true name, FilthyRatfacedPrariedogPox. Or if we're going to be irrational, let's go all the way. Cause of the increased deficit, faltering economy, and restrictions on constitutional freedoms? Monkey did it.
A quote from a Washington Post article:
"Prairie dogs are believed to be the source of an outbreak of the monkeypox virus in the Midwest, health officials said."
Which brings me to this question: WHO'S THE SICK BASTARD TRYING TO PASS THIS ON THE MONKEYS? If prairie dogs are the source, then let's call the virus by its true name, FilthyRatfacedPrariedogPox. Or if we're going to be irrational, let's go all the way. Cause of the increased deficit, faltering economy, and restrictions on constitutional freedoms? Monkey did it.
June 08, 2003
Funny Cide Bombs At Laugh Factory
Club owner rues literal and figurative meanings of "crap on stage".
June 07, 2003
Rain, Rain, Go Away
The gay pride parade in D.C. is today. It was beautiful yesterday, it will be gorgeous tomorrow, and it has been raining the whole day today. I think the reason for the rain is obvious: Jesse Helms and his magic weather machine.
If I were a weather forecaster, I would periodically tell viewers that today the rain is gay. The rain would be the same as it always is, but at least it would keep the homophobes inside.
Update: I misattributed the weather machine to Jesse Helms. It is Ian McKellen with the weather machine. It poured most of the day on Saturday, stopped raining 10 minutes before the parade, and started raining again ("rerained" in modern parlance) half an hour after the last marcher left the parade route. I'm not religious, but I will say this: God loves gays.
If I were a weather forecaster, I would periodically tell viewers that today the rain is gay. The rain would be the same as it always is, but at least it would keep the homophobes inside.
Update: I misattributed the weather machine to Jesse Helms. It is Ian McKellen with the weather machine. It poured most of the day on Saturday, stopped raining 10 minutes before the parade, and started raining again ("rerained" in modern parlance) half an hour after the last marcher left the parade route. I'm not religious, but I will say this: God loves gays.
June 06, 2003
Demographics For MTV Cribs
12-18: 11.2%
18-25: 9.2%
Stalkers: 79.6%
No celebrity who shows a road map of their house, including the satin sheets on their bed and easily-breakable windows, should be able to sue a stalker who invades their house. Going on MTV Cribs is like teasing a stalker. "Here's my diamond chandelier. It looks soooo beautiful when I'm sitting here alone at night and watching the moonlight bounce off the shards. The only problem is that I have to turn off the security system because it makes that annoying beeping." Sometimes I want to break into celebrities' houses after the show. A X-Box hooked up to a 42'' plasma screen and connected to a 6-channel surround sound system: who could resist?
18-25: 9.2%
Stalkers: 79.6%
No celebrity who shows a road map of their house, including the satin sheets on their bed and easily-breakable windows, should be able to sue a stalker who invades their house. Going on MTV Cribs is like teasing a stalker. "Here's my diamond chandelier. It looks soooo beautiful when I'm sitting here alone at night and watching the moonlight bounce off the shards. The only problem is that I have to turn off the security system because it makes that annoying beeping." Sometimes I want to break into celebrities' houses after the show. A X-Box hooked up to a 42'' plasma screen and connected to a 6-channel surround sound system: who could resist?
June 05, 2003
How's It Hanging?
If I ever get testicular cancer, I hope I get it in both balls so they look evenly big. I don't want one of them getting jealous of the other.
(Saying this is the equivalent of mooning God and taunting him to smack me with some poetic justice. "What'cha gonna do, Goddy-Woddy? Give me testicular--OW! You jerk! They're the size of melons.)
(Saying this is the equivalent of mooning God and taunting him to smack me with some poetic justice. "What'cha gonna do, Goddy-Woddy? Give me testicular--OW! You jerk! They're the size of melons.)
Today's Washington Post Headlines
Ex-Xerox Execs to Pay $22M
Ex-Xerox Execs to Pay $22M; Ex-Xerox Execs to Pay...
Sharon, Abbas Move Toward Peace
Peace Runs Away In Fear
Marijuana 'Guru' Gets One Day in Jail
Judge Defends Decision: "It's Going To Seem Like a Week For Him"
D.C. Mayor Pushes Congress for Aid
Congress Tells Principal
CIA Analysts Cite Pressure on Arms
“Why Are There So Many Bullies In Today’s Headlines?” Says Analyst
April Factory Orders Plunge
Factory Also Orders Robots To Destroy Humans; Management Blames Union
Ex-Xerox Execs to Pay $22M; Ex-Xerox Execs to Pay...
Sharon, Abbas Move Toward Peace
Peace Runs Away In Fear
Marijuana 'Guru' Gets One Day in Jail
Judge Defends Decision: "It's Going To Seem Like a Week For Him"
D.C. Mayor Pushes Congress for Aid
Congress Tells Principal
CIA Analysts Cite Pressure on Arms
“Why Are There So Many Bullies In Today’s Headlines?” Says Analyst
April Factory Orders Plunge
Factory Also Orders Robots To Destroy Humans; Management Blames Union
June 03, 2003
Sorry, Jewel Fans
Best Buy, in a tribute to chemotherapy, is restricting the number of copies of Jewel’s new CD you can buy. Limit 3 per customer. So if you were planning on building an igloo out of Jewel CDs, you’ll need a help of several friends or a selection of fake mustaches. Also, if you are a dealer, do not even try to buy 1 copy. Best Buy knows who you are. Release date subject to change. Come on, 3/11/22. Daddy needs some shelf space for good music.
June 01, 2003
Early Morning Props
During my hourly, neurotic checking of my server log, I noticed that Sammy of Digital Flotsam posted a link to my site. Thanks deeee-ude.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)