Need...More...Turkey

Zombie Jason...needs more turkey. With stuffing. And graaaaaavy. Only Ramen at home. Turkey-flavored noodles...not same thing.

I had an eventful week. Last Tuesday, I went to a meeting of a sketch comedy group that arose from the primordial comedic ooze a few weeks ago. I am usually uncomfortable around new people, so I was forcing myself to chat and ask questions. Everyone was friendly. A good time was being had.

So it's near the end of the meeting. They had a show this upcoming Sunday and were doing group readings of the scripts so the director could cast the show. The last script had eight people in it, and everyone was tired of reading, so I thought: "I'll help out with the reading. I have a severe stutter, so it's not like the director is actually going to cast me."

I picked a small part, read it. On the second go around, I picked another small part no one wanted to read.

The next thing I know, the director says to me, "Okay, you're Swami. Meeting adjourned. Everyone, see you this Saturday at rehearsal."

What the f---? Hey, crazy director. I don't like performing. During periods, like the past few weeks, when my stuttering is very severe, I don't even like speaking. I hide under the covers when the phone rings and let my roommates answer it. Read my alpha waves: cast someone else. Like a monkey. Monkeys are funny. Everyone loves monkeys. Monkey monkey monkey monkey....

Alas, as it has been the fate so many times in my life, there was no monkey to be found.

I'll compress the rest of the week. In short, having to perform turns out to be very good motivation to work on one's speech. Confronting some of the avoidances I let develop in the past few months helped my feel better than I have in a long time.

The performance was yesterday, and it went very well. I made stuttering part of my character and made it part of the joke. We filmed the performance and ran it twice, asking the kindly audience to be a laugh track if they had to.

I got almost no laughs the first time around because, to both my pleasure and disappointment, few people laughed at my stuttering. After the first show, we introduced ourselves and I said I'm a real-life person who stutters. I think that made it okay for people to laugh because I got a much better response the second time around.

Overall, it was worth the stress and I'm happy that I got drafted into doing it. I might even do it again, if I can come up with a character who stutters.

Of course, this is assuming the circus still won't loan me the monkey.

Link Survey

Several years ago, a design class I took in college convinced me underlining words for emphasis is a horrible idea. I turned off underlining of links in my web browser, and after a short adjustment period, found it made web pages more aesthetic and eye-pleasing.

I rarely use other people's computers, but when I do (and links are underlined) the difference is shocking. Link-heavy sites like The Washington Post are now almost unreadable.

So I have a few questions and a suggestion. Do you have your web browser set to underline links? If not, what prompted you to switch? If you do, try turning the feature off and go sans-undies for a day. Give yourself time to adjust and let me know if you like it better.

You can find the setting in most broswers by going to Tools->Options and then selecting "Fonts & Colors" (in Firefox, the best broswer out there) and Advanced->Browsing in IE.

Him Name Is Hopkins

This site is awesome. Very funny and original.

Hopkins Update: BoingBoing has background info on Hopkin's Journey.

Cheese Sandwich Update

$28,000. The winning bid came from Golden Palace, an online casino that is developing a reputation for unusual publicity events. They paid someone to streak at (last year's?) Superbowl with their web site address tattooed on his back (link warning: this guy's butt almost turned me straight).

If you're sad that you're bid wasn't high enough, you can always visit their web site and get your own Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich Commenatorive T-shirt for $19.95.

The runner-up bid was from Rabbi Harry Halpern, whose plan was to threaten to eat the sandwich if the Christians didn't limit their singing of Jingle Bells to 100 times a week per public space. When told of Halpern's plan, Governor Schwarzenegger said: "No! We will never reduce the singing of Jingle Bells. We will jingle all the way!"

Why Doesn't Jesus Ever Get Blamed for the Bad Stuff?

Jesus is like that guy at work who's friendly and pleasant to be around, but you don't really know what he does, and he keeps on getting promoted. When there's a screw-up, somehow he's never involved but he arrives a few minutes afterwards with a few pats on the back and consoling words. "There, there. We'll get another client."

Everyone brightens in his presence and forgets about their problems for a moment, and you do too, but there's this tingly feeling in the back of your head and makes you think, "Wait a minute. Wasn't Mertzsky Jesus's client?"

Or people say things like, "I have a potato. Thanks Jesus!" But no one ever stubs his or her toe and says, "Ouch! Damn it, Jesus, what the hell is your problem?"

There are plenty of bumper stickers printed with "Jesus Loves" or "Jesus Saves." What about, "Hey, Jesus. What's up with that Packers game last week?"

I'm all for being saved, but I want the whole package. That includes not leaving my house. It seems like all the people being saved by Jesus are the ones that have to do the leg work. Jesus, I'm so lazy that I'll go out in cold weather in a T-shirt and thin jacket so I don't have to remove as many layers when I get back inside. You want to save me, start by turning off my snooze alarm. The snooze button is like a rectangular Satan. Turn it into a duck or something. Then, after lunch, and a hot cocoa, we'll talk.

Delay

After being reprimanded by the House ethics committee three times in the past few months, Tom Delay, the Republican House leader, is currently being investigated by a Texas district attorney. The investigation is focused on his fundraising efforts for a redistricting effort in Texas he led that redrew the districts to knock five Democrats in Texas out of Congress. A Texas grand jury has already indicted three of his associates and is now focusing on him.

In light of this potential scandal, the Republican House members did what any self-respecting party would do. They rewrote their party rules so if Delay is indicted, he can still retain his leadership position.

Take a note, Bloods and Crips. That's how we do it, Washington-style.

Now, some would call the Republican's move an example of the unbridled corruption that comes when a party is in power for too long. An abandonment of the ethical principles they once professed to hold.

Say It Ain't So, Post

I love The Washington Post. The paper isn't perfect by any means, but overall I think it's the best in the nation. They do a lot of thoughtful, original reporting and have the best online site in the business.

Most recently, I was impressed with their "debate referee" feature after the presidential debates, where they examined the veracity of the statements made by the two candidates. I read similar fact-check features by the other major newspapers, and the Post creamed them in terms of breadth and detail.

So it really disturbs me to read that their Executive Editor Leonard Downie is planning on dumbing down the newspaper.

The Post just wrapped up its annual self-evaluation meeting, an offsite event that includes top editors and executives from the paper's business side. This year's meeting focused on the paper's declining circulation -- now at 709,500 daily copies, down 10 percent over the past two years -- and the results of an extensive readership survey taken last summer.

In an effort to win new readers, Downie said Post reporters will be required to write shorter stories. The paper's design and copy editors will be given more authority to make room for more photographs and graphics.

The paper will undergo a redesign to make it easier for readers to find stories. It is considering filling the left-hand column of the front page with keys to stories elsewhere in the paper and other information readers say they want from the paper, which they often consider "too often too dull," Downie said.

"Newspapers should be fun and it should be fun to work at one," [No. 2 editor] Bennett said.

Someone needs to make a Washington Post Barbie.

• "Working at a newspaper is hard. Tee hee hee!"
• "Newspapers should be fun!"
• "Words are boring. I want to see pictures that mooooove!"

I welcome any change to make information easier to find and understand. But not at the expense of content. In many news articles on political issues, the reporter is bound by the requirements of the pyramid structure and even handedness. The interesting details tend to be buried later in the story, and I worry that they will one of the many things that will be sacrified in the name of new readers, who, evidentially, don't read newspapers because they have too many words and not enough pretty pictures.

Because I Like To Feel Superior

Coincidence?

The Grey Video

Last February, DJ Dangermouse mixed music from the Beatles' White album with beats and lyrics of Jay-Z's Black album. The resulting Grey album was a brilliant meld of their two styles. It also drew the ire of the company that owns the Beatles music and was forced to be distributed on file-sharing networks and a few brave web site owners.

The video for one of Dangermouse's songs, Encore, was just released. It's well done and fun to watch. Catch it before it gets taken down.

Support Our Troops

The most popular bumper sticker today is a ribbon, usually yellow or red, white, and blue. with the inscription "Support our troops." Occasionally, someone will mix things up with a "Support President Bush and our troops" sticker, but the strain this Venn diagram puts on the minds of patriotic souls everywhere has limited its popularity.

I admire these people for taking a stand against the strong anti-troop movement that has arisen in our country and threatens to tear apart the fabric of our nation. Our troops need to know that we support them, and if putting a bumper sticker expressing this sentiment on our cars isn't the best way to let them know, then we might as well rename America "Terrorist Land" and get it over with.

I fear, though, that having become ubiquitous the message will get stale and lose its effectiveness in supporting our troops and combating dissent. So I made up several alternative messages that will soon be appearing in The Pancake City Troop Power Pack (9 stickers, $69.95. Five percent of profits will go towards a fundraiser to buy the troops a $14 million MX-140 missile. If we don't raise enough money, I will instead send the troops a dozen Hostess cupcakes, laid out in the box in the shape of a giant thumbs up.)

Alternative Slogans

• Support our troops…our drama troupes!
• Do you support our troops…or are you a child molester?
• Something NAMBLA and the NRA can agree on: supporting our troops!
• It's not enough to support our troops. Support supporting our troops!
• Support our girdles.
• Vote Yes on Prop. 182. What's Prop. 182? Supporting our troops!
• Say no to the sewer people who are recruiting a zombie army to attack the surface dwellers that have lorded over them for so long. Say yes to supporting troops!
• Do troops eat babies? No! So why don't you support our troops?
  
• Stützen unsere Truppen!
  

When Your Co-Workers Are Away

Practical jokes to play on your co-workers (link from LYD).

Oh, No!

Iraq is trying to build a nuclear bomb!

I mean, Iran is trying to build a nuclear bomb!

This time, it's for real!

It's a Dog Eat Everything World

Dogs are the culinary cowboys and cowgirls of the animal kingdom. They eat first, ask questions later.

I am a dog walker, and during almost every walk, my charge and I will pass several items that fall along the spectrum of food to trash: discarded napkin, candy wrapper, pizza crust, mud-caked paper, and so on.

One would think that I would just have to keep Sophie, a golden retriever I walk, away from the pizza crust and maybe from the candy wrapper if there is still traces of chocolate smeared on it. Just to be safe, since chocolate makes dogs sick.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

In the world of dogs, there is no trash. There is only food, food?, and "probably not food, but why take a chance?"

When I pass a balled-up napkin, Sophie will try to eat it. Sure, it could be a napkin. Or...it could be a napkin dipped in barbeque sauce! Or a napkin someone dropped after robbing the gravy store and fleeing the police. Or a delicious dog biscuit cleverly disguised in napkin form, a reward for any dog brave enough to challenge the orthodoxy of molecular structure and one's lying eyes.

A bloodhound can identify your scales of skin that you shed three days ago. Dogs have 40 times the number of scent receptors in their noses than humans. So does Sophie sniff the napkin for 1.5 seconds before deciding whether to eat it?

Of course not. Maybe that's what dogs used to do, but today's modern dogs don't have the time. I've seen Sophie scoop up a wad of paper, scan for grease and chocolate, and spit it out while my tongue is still lifting upwards to make an "S".

Sophie and I have a different reaction when she pulls off a successful eating. I feel guilty and frustrated, having failed to stop her from eating something that will either give her diarrhea or an upset stomach. She feels like she just pulled off the most amazing feat, like the con in The Sting or a bank shot off three walls.

I used to lunge to pull the offending substance from her mouth until I realized she was interpreting that as a lesson in the stupidity of chewing. Our current agreement is that if my attention slips and she eats something yucky, I won't flip out, unless it's extremely disgusting. A piece of bread with jelly on it: okay. If the jelly has ants on it, I'm doing what I can to swat it from her mouth.

She gets enough protein as it is from the ants on the pizza crusts.

Pancake City Bumper Sticker

And it's just in time for Chrisanukah.

More Miracles

The 38-city Virgin Mary 2004 tour is nearing an end, but she's ending with a bang. After appearing on a potato, fence post, side of a llama, and a oak tree (a perennial stalwart), her latest appearance is one of her best ever: a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich.

The money quote (CNN, link from Trash Talkin' Rodeo): "Duyser, 52, said she took a bite after making it 10 years ago and saw a face staring back at her from the bread."

There have been times when, in a fit of laziness and hunger, I've eaten sandwich meat or bread whose freshness was borderline at best. The food, 1-2 weeks old, was hesitantly downed. I was worried about getting sick and argued the decision internally for several minutes, sometimes even consulting friends about the life expectancy of a tuna fish melt left on the counter overnight.

Unless the reporter's editor removed the following sentence: "After considering the decision for over a year while consulting nutritionists, health professionals, and the International Nuclear Agency, she decided it was safe to eat the sandwich" then we have a much bigger issue than another appearance of the visage of the Virgin Mary. This woman, Duyser, is either going to die an agonizing death or mutate into a super-human monster. If it's the latter, we need to clear her neighbors out of the area and bring in the bomb because fools and madmen take chances with decade-old Velveeta.

The sandwich, of course, was put on EBay, where the bidding reaches $22,000 before they removed the listing. EBay's justification for taking Mary down was that it doesn't allow listings intended to be jokes.

Oh, no. This isn't a joke. The woman completely believes there is an image of the Virgin Mary on the sandwich. She also believes there are pelicans in tutus twirling on her bed while squirrels fly out of Robert Goulet's mouth spelling mid-air the words to "My Love is a Sofa" or whatever song he sings. You see, Ebay isn't accounting for a critical detail in her story, namely SHE JUST ATE PART OF A TEN-YEAR OLD SANDWICH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S LESS LOONY THAN EATING A TEN-YEAR OLD SANDWICH? EATING AN ACTUAL TEN-YEAR OLD. ON THE CRAZINESS SCALE, TEN-YEAR OLD SANDWICH CRUSHES EATING A SIDE OF BILLY.

Screw bidding on the sandwich. We need to start a fundraiser for this woman. Mental health professionals, pills, detox--these services are expensive and I don't think her HMO has a religious food clause in their policy.

Update: Damn it. I spent half an hour writing this post and just realized I misread the article. She took a bite of the sandwich when she made it ten years ago, and then stored it. I suppose this says something of my opinion of certain religious people when my first reaction is to assume that she was storing the sandwich for a late-night snack. I should have gone with my first idea: I'll renounce my athiesm and join the Catholic church if the Virgin Mary will appear on the cover of a gay bondage video.

Update 2: The cheese is back! (Thanks Evan). Although you would think with a $99,999,999.00 top bid, she would throw in the shipping for free.

Miracles

There are miracles of nature that are both breathtaking and rare. A double rainbow. A shooting star. A lunar eclipse.

Then there's seeing a dog poop while standing up. Brought a tear to my eye.

Mind Your Ps, Screw the Qs

You get to see one of the writing exercises I did today. Lucky you.

***

Perry Precinct presided over the popular People's Palace, a place of public pleasure that, privately, people portrayed as a pretense for the "Perfects" to push aside Peroria's paramount problems and play up their power over their pawns.

Perry's part in this predetermined play was perfunctory. Pass predictions. Perform with passion. Please the plebians.

"Perry! Perry!" Phineas pushed past the pair of pattern-mechs protecting Perry. The pats were unperturbed and permitted his passage. When proclaiming his presence, Phineas was as passionately a prisoner to a pattern as the pattern-mechs.

New Rules for Holidays

We need stricter criteria for judging who gets to celebrate holidays. For Veteran's Day, the only people who should get off are veterans. Or at least rename the holiday, "Veterans, Government Workers, Some Private Businesses, Groggy and Not Wanting To Come Into Work So I'll Call In Sick Cough Cough Day."

And Columbus Day is a joke. If you haven't subjugated at least one Native American in the past five years, get off the gravy train and go to work.

For Father's Day, your children need to have been planned. No more getting presents from accidents.

For the Fourth of July, almost everybody gets to stay home. The exception: Rush Limbaugh listeners and other chickenhawks, who get a two-week tour of duty in Iraq. And if there's room on the plane, we cen send over a few devout Christians who supported the war and think there's an asterisk next to "Thou Shalt Not Kill".

Rumsfeld: Fallujah Civilians Were Warned

(article link)

In a Fallujah home (translated from Arabic):

[ring ring]

Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Hello?"
Rumsfeld: "Hello. Is there a Mr. or Ms. al-Alquaa in?"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Who is this?"
Rumsfeld: "This is Donald. Are you Ms. al-Alquaa?"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Yes."
Rumsfeld: "Hello ma'am. Please excuse my Arabic. I've been out of practice since the 80s."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "What do you want?"
Rumsfeld: "I'm just calling to warn you that the U.S.-lead coalition is going to invade the city tomorrow. Things could get kind of rough out there, so you may want to stay inside for the next few weeks."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "The whole time? How am I supposed to buy food? How is my husband supposed to go to work? What are my kids going to do?"
Rumsfeld: "I know it will be very trying, but you'll just have to bear through it and…and…excuse me." [Rumsfeld coughs several times and clears his throat]
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Are you alright?"
Rumsfeld: "I'm fine. My voice is just getting sore. I've been talking for a few days straight now."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Wait a minute. Are you calling every single one of the 250,000 residents in Fallujah?"
Rumsfeld: "Oh, no. Of course not. Gen. Tommy Franks is doing L-Z."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "…But most of our names start with 'al'."
Rumsfeld: "I know that now. Tommy can be very good at getting out of work when he wants to."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Well, I appreciate you going out of your way to warn us. I'll see if my family wants to stick it out or move in with our relatives."
Rumsfeld: "Where are your relatives?"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Tikrit."
Rumsfeld: "Do you have any relatives in other places?"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "I have a few cousins in Baghdad."
Rumsfeld: "Uh, yeah. The thing about Baghdad is--"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Okay. Najaf?"
Rumsfeld: "That wouldn't be a good idea."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Samarra?"
Rumsfeld: "Nope."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Kut?"
Rumsfeld: "Sorry."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Sadr City?"
Rumsfeld: "Are you kidding?"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Ramadi?"
Rumsfeld: "No…wait. What was that last one?"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Ramadi?"
Rumsfeld: "Oh, god no. Especially not Ramadi."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Hock ba-sarat! That's all the Iraqi relatives I have. My only other option is to sneak into Iran and have my family stay with my husband's half brother."
Rumsfeld: "Look, this is on the hush hush, but you do NOT want to move into Iran right now. Especially if you're still going to be there in January."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "I guess we have no choice then. We'll stay here."
Rumsfeld: "Okay. But don't say I didn't warn you."

The Five Stages of Grief

As they relate to the election.

Denial
I can't fucking believe this.

Anger
What the fuck is wrong with people?

Bargaining
I promise to be happy that Bush won if he promises to stop being such a fuck-up.

Depression
We're so fucking screwed.

Acceptance
I'm moving to Canada.

***

I am struck by how many people seized on Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' "Five Stages of Grief" to deal with the aftershock of the election.

Kubler-Ross proposed the stages in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying" as a description of the process terminally ill patients go through in accepting their illnesses. The stages quickly metamorphized and entered pop culture as an outline of the way people handle grief in their own lives.

For me, the stages aren't distinct segments that I go through and move on, never to return. They're more like favorite restaurants I revisit repeatedly, some more than others because Denial and Anger run coupons in The Washington Post often and the maitre'd at Acceptance Lounge and Piano Bar hates me ever since the last time I visited.

What happened is that the restaurant was closing, and the maitre'd came over and said in a snide voice, "If you need to be reminded what types of payment the establishment accepts, I will be happy to refresh your memory." I got up from my table and responded: "That won't be necessary. I got something you can accept: a punch in the stomach."

The maitre'd wailed. "What are you doing?" I cocked my fist. "It's called a mandate...for kicking your ass." I punched him a few more times and then walked about the door.

So it will be a while until I can visit there again. But isn't America awesome?

Get Your Giggles On

Need a laugh? Get Your War On.

Why Voting Is Like Sex...IN 2084!!!

You have to wait in line to do it

You can only do it once every 4 years

It involves pressing lots of buttons on a screen

The actual process takes 15 seconds

There is absolutely no need for a Bush or a Dick

You get a sticker when you're finished

You will be told how everyone else did it later that night

Play Some Video Games

Or watch a movie. Or chat with a friend.

If you're feeling depressed, especially if you've been working to get Kerry elected, take a break and do something fun.

I might post occasionally in the next few days, but I'm taking a breather from the pure political posts.

I rented Fable, an XBox game. I'm going to the library tomorrow. Maybe I'll write some comedy to help me deal with my anger.

If you're looking for some laughs, I have one thing to say to you. What the hell are you doing at my web page?

Okay, two things. Read The Onion.

Kerry Concedes

The number of provisional ballots isn't enough to give him a victory. I'm glad he conceded now rather than later.

Is it possible for a person who doesn't mention God in every other sentence to win the Presidency? Our history says no. I think the tactic for secularists and progressive religious people is not to combat religion but to change the discussion on what it means to be a good religious person. Kerry went for this angle very late in the campaign, with comments like, "Words without deeds have no meaning."

I think combining liberal ideals with religion can be a very effective tactic. It's atrocious the way politicans who regularly profess their devotion to God construct policies that hurt the poor in the country and eschew changes like raising the minimum wage, which there is a lot of good evidence would help the country as a whole.

In fact, I think this is a large part of the reason why Barack Obama energizes so many people. He combines the two eloquently. His speech during the Democratic Convention still gives me chills: "I am my brother's keeper."

What better combination of religion and liberalism is there?

Keep Your Chin Up

Maybe it's too early to talk about what the next step is. But I've been buoyed by a lot of posts on Daily Kos, a mix of a political blog and an web site for liberal activists.

Not a lot of optimism there, but a feeling that while this was a huge loss, it's just one battle in a long war that needs to be fought by anyone who's commitment to their country goes beyond voting every 4 years.

It's too early for many, including me, to start asking, "What can I do to help?" It's time to reflect and let the shock settle down. But I hope all of you plant the idea in your mind of doing something in the next 4 years to help our country take a small step towards a better path.

Update: I share Kevin Drum's outlook.

Ohio

I should say that while John Kerry only has an outside chance to win Ohio, it is still a chance. oh, fuck. It comes down to the number of provisional and absentee ballots, and if there are any reasons why the ballots would strongly go towards Kerry (e.g. provisional ballots being given mainly to people challenged by Republican poll watchers).

Going against Kerry is a Republican Secretary of State, public sentiment against another drawn-out battle, and months of pre-election legal wrangling by Republicans specifically done for an occasional like this.

I think the best solution in terms of limiting damage to our democracy while upholding its principles has two parts.

One, an immediate counting of a random sample of the ballots so we can have an idea if a full count in necessary. Kerry should offer to accept the findings of the sample as a predictor of whether to carry on.

Two, an extra day to vote for anyone who wanted to do so but was turned away by the extremely long lines.

This is a real problem that some people in Ohio faced. It's great when people wait 4 hours in line to vote, but it shouldn't be a requirement. There are some people who wanted to vote but couldn't wait several hours to do so because of their job, family duties, and so on.

It comes down to the question: is relatively easy voting a right or a privilege? I consider it a right, and legal theory may too. One hour is a reasonable amount of time to wait, but we're not a Third World country. No one should have to miss a half day or work or leave their kids home for hours so he or she can vote. And as this would only affect a sliver of the population, it wouldn't require a great number of polling places to be open or volunteers to pull it off.

If we act quickly, we can have Ohio settled in less than two weeks and in a way that is at least better than the way we settled Florida 4 years ago. It's important that there are no doubts surrounding the legitimacy of any President, and letting people who turned away when waiting in line switched from inconvenience to burden is a pro-democracy move that both sides should favor.

It's easy to be against lawsuits. Would the President find as much support for denying the rights of people who wanted to vote?

At least...

...the Daily Show will be hilarious for the next four years.

...um, Bushisms, Vol. 3?

I'm out of ideas. Anyone?

After the 2000 election, I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Well, maybe he'll do a decent job."

Now I'm just depressed. I had a horrible night of sleep. Most people weren't enthusiastic about voting for Kerry as opposed to voting against Bush, but I was. In my heart, I truly believe he would have made a great President. His commitment to public service over his life is much greater than most politicians. He would have brought Republicans into his administration and likely have helped bridge the divide in this country.

I'll give Bush a second chance. Maybe "I'm a uniter, not a divider" the sequel will do better than the original. Maybe things in Iraq will turn around, the Republican Congress will make fiscally responsible decisions, and we will find diplomatic solutions to the growing problem of Iran and North Korea.

But it won't surprise anyone to know that I don't think hope is on the way.

The true test of Democrats and progressives is how we respond to this loss. Do we lash out at each other, scapegoat the campaign, our strategy, gay marriage, voters who stayed home, the public itself, and so on? Do all of the celebrities, bloggers, first and long-time activists give up and let them rule without being checked? Or after we lick or wounds do we learn from our mistakes, improve our strategy and coalition and return as a force in 2006 and 2008?

I hope it's the latter. I strongly suspect, like most second term administrations, this one will be rocked by scandal. And if our country is still on a wobbly path two years from now, with a Republican-controlled Congress and presidency, maybe voters will be more open to holding those in power accountable.

Exit Poll Failure

Here's what I don't get. With 87% of the precincts reporting, John Kerry is down 100,000 votes in Ohio (2%).

But the exit poll has Kerry leading 51-49 with men, and 53-47 with women. In other words, he should be in the lead. Why are the exit polls, in this state and others, so unreliable? It seems almost all of them overestimated Kerry's share of the vote.

Or, for the tin-foil theorists out there, maybe it's fixed Diebold voting machines. (Note: As far as I know, Ohio banned electronic voting in most of its counties).

...

What can I say? I'm utterly depressed. I know it's not over, but I don't see Kerry winning Ohio, and he needs it to win.

I've been reading a few web sites to see how I was so completely wrong about this election. I'm sure there are many reasons, but one of the main ones is that it appears the polls were assuming a young voter turn-out that just didn't happen.

In response to this, I have a request. Mr. Bush, please: Bring back the draft.

A few of the reasons I was so confident is that it seemed that this time there were a lot of disparate forces banding together to defeat Bush, from celebrities to GOTV organizations such as MoveOn and ACT. His apporval ratings have been around 50, typically a ceiling for incumbents. And I assumed the stories of high-turnout out would benefit Kerry and give him the bump to win.

After I get over my depression, I'm going to be interested to learn just what happened here. I mean, I was extremely optimistic on Kerry's chances. But I'm obviously wrong about several of my asumptions and didn't account for a few trends. One of them is likely overestimating high turnout helping Kerry. I have a hunch both sides turned out in force.

Another shocker: Kerry losing Virginia by 8%. Just dumbfounds me. Every poll in the past few months had him between 3-6%. There was high turn-out in democratic-heavy Northern Virginia. After the polls closed, the announcers held off giving Virginia to Bush for a while because it was too close to call.

So what happened? My first guess is that there was a huge difference between the exit polls which the "too close to call" comments were based on and the actual results. But why such a dramatic difference betwwen the exit polls and the results

I'll read about it later. Right now, I need to go into a cocoon.

Election Roundup

The four most important states in terms of EVs are Pennsylvania, Florida, Wisconsin, and Ohio. I'm posting my take here in hope I will look like a soothsayer tomorrow. I am also keeping my finger on the delete button. No mistake will be left behind.

• Pennsylvania: In the bag for Kerry.
• Florida: Forty five percent of America still thinks Bush did not legitimately win the election in 2000. And a lot of them are pissed off Democrats in Florida willing to wait five hours in the blistering heat just to cast their vote. Jeb Bush can't stop this one. Kerry takes it.
• Ohio: I will go on record and say I will be absolutely shocked if this isn't the closest state in the nation this year. 50/50. If Kerry wins, it will be because of an edge in the GOTV operation, but I wouldn't bet on it.
• Wisconsin: I haven't been following this one, but if Kerry splits Florida and Ohio, winning this will switch the race from one candidate (likely Kerry) winning by a razor-thin margin to a candidate having a sizable lead.

Armchair analysis is fun. Give it a try.

Onion Flashback

This is the article The Onion wrote about Bush's inauguration four years ago. At first I thought they rewrote it a few months ago. It's that prescient.

Irrational Exuberance?

I don't know why I feel so excited about tomorrow, but it's almost the identical feeling I had as a kid the night before Christmas. Yes, Santa may misread my request for a NES system and give me a plaid-laid Nerd Enterprise Sweater instead, but I'm feeling good nonetheless.

Like Leader, Like Follower

Even-handedness is a fine principle to live by and a critical part of thinking reasonably. If you hear of Republicans trying to suppress the vote in African-American communities, it behooves you to search for similar activities from Democrats before jumping to the conclusion that "Republicans are worse than Democrats".

But there is no cosmic law that says Democrats and Republicans take equal part in slimy political tricks, even though the media, either through cynicism or fear of complaints of "the liberal media" often tries too hard to give moral equivalency to the actions of both parties.

I am more hesitant than most to say that Republicans are dirtier than Democrats in Presidential campaigns because, on some level, it's what I want to believe. If anything, I think it is better to argue that certain political advisers and staff members engage in more dirty tricks than their counterparts.

But if you want a good, ol' fashion "We're better than they there" story, read about this experiment that ABC News did. They entered campaign rallies of both candidates wearing T-shirts that would be certain to rub the attendees' the wrong way.

And while the influence of a "they're both the same" viewpoint is evident in the headline and how they put the differences they found later in the story, they are still clear contrasts in how each campaign handles dissenters. One of the quotes:

And at Kerry's Boca Raton rally, one of the faithful Democrats could be seen calming a woman upset at the sight of the Bush-Cheney T-shirts.

"Feel proud that we let them in," he said. "That's what democracy is all about, that's what we're fighting for."

That is what we're fighting for, isn't it?

(link originally from TPM)

Voting Info

Election Protection Hotline:
1-866-MYVOTE1 to report problems
1-866-OUR-VOTE (1-866-687-8683) for immediate legal assistance

Where do I vote? (Has other info, including link to local election board web site)

Most places open at 7:00 a.m. I suggest getting to your polling as soon as possible. There are going to be a ton of people trying to vote after work. I don't know what it will be like in Maryland and Virginia, but people in Florida are waiting over 5 hours to vote (the accounts of people waiting so long are inspiring).