Nanny 911

I watched my first episode of FOX's Nanny 911 a few nights ago. Here is a condensed transcript.

Scene: Dining room.

A middle-aged woman with unruly hair gently scoops out a spoonful of applesauce, steadies it in midair, and then pours it on top of her baby's head. The baby desperately tries to wiggle the applesauce streaming down her cheeks into her mouth. A matronly British nanny is nearby, shaking her head.

BABY: "WAHHH!"

The woman, on the verge of tears, slams the jar on the table.

MOTHER: "I don't understand. Why won't my baby eat?"

CUT TO: Dylan, the 4-year-old, is in the living room with his father. He is screaming and kicking on the floor because his dad, the brutish oaf that he is, asked him to stop smearing his feces on the wall. The nanny rolls her eyes. The mother runs into the room, lifts Dylan up and cradles him in her arms.

MOTHER: "It's okay, sweetie. Mommy is here. What happened?"

FATHER: "I kind of asked him to stop installing our walls with poop plus."

Dylan wails and tightens his grips on his mother.

MOTHER: "Daddy's sorry, honey. You can stop crying now. Mommy loves you very much."

The nanny, relying on her reflexes honed from decades of parenting, rolls her eyes again.

FATHER: "Do you think, I don't know, I mean, I don't want to intrude on your territory, but maybe we should be firm with him this time?"

She stares at her husband like he just suggested they let Dylan go on a weekend road trip with the Croc Hunter and Michael Jackson.

MOTHER: "I'm all for disciplining our children, but not if it makes them unhappy."

Out of habit, the nanny's eyes roll again. Unfortunately, they were already rolled up and are now stuck. Little Dylan, sensing something is wrong, throws a truck at the back of her head.

COMMERCIAL BREAK. Number of condom commercials: 4.

Scene: The nanny is having a heart-to-heart talk with the parents.

MOTHER: "We're not bad parents. We're just clueless."

NANNY: [under her breath] "Actually, you're bad parents."

FATHER: "What was that?"

NANNY: "Nothing. Here is the problem. Susan, you are an emotion-phobe who thinks any expression of negative emotion should be avoided. By coddling them every time they cry, you are rewarding their tantrums and undermining your husband's efforts to discipline them. Brad, you're a good father is decent instincts. But you're also a giant pussy. And both of you are letting your children sleep in your beds so you can avoid dealing with your lackluster sex life and utter lack of passion in your marriage."

Brad and Susan are stunned speechless. Dylan breaks the tension by throwing a truck.

COMMERCIAL BREAK: A post office employee points out the new services UPS is offering, including new wide-mouth mail boxes that are now large enough, the voiceover points out, to stuff a small child through them.

Scene: Montage of the next seven days. The nanny follows the parents around, shouting helpful advice like "Poop doesn't go there" and "Applesauce in the mouth." Miraculously, after only seven days, the couple's parenting skills improve greatly and the kids' rambunctious behavior is almost completely wiped out. This is because on the night of Day 6 the nanny gives up and swaps the parents and two children with look-alikes from another, superior family.

NANNY: "Well, my job is done. The Smiths has dealt with their problems, their kids are better behaved, and they are now truly a happy family. Until next week."

The family, everyone smiling, waves goodbye.

REAL MOM [from closet]: "Let us out!"

NANNY: "After the commercial break."

Perhaps the WP could have used a better headline...

...about people's responses to the tsunami than this one:

Internet Sparks Flood of Donations

But let us be thankful that CNN is on the job to tell us the truly horrible part of this disaster.

The week after 9/11...

...lines for donating blood snaked out doors and down streets. Some people had to wait hours or were asked to come back another day.

People donated so much blood, in fact, that the Red Cross had to throw some of it away because the organization couldn't store it all.

What I learned from this is that good intentions isn't always enough. I give money to causes very rarely, but when I do I spend some time and thought beforehand so I can give as wisely as possible.

I mention all of this for two reasons.

One, I know many of you have either donated money to organizations helping the tsunami victims or would like to. There are many good organizations to give money to, but for what it's worth, I ended up going with the Red Cross after looking at a half dozen similar organizations. Primarily because the Red Cross president went on record to say that donations to the International Relief Fund would be used for the tsunami victims, along with a few smaller reasons I had. If you have a better suggestion, please post it in the comments. You can reach the Red Cross donation page here. (Update: Andrew recommends Doctors Without Borders. I've heard good things about them, and they are already mobilized in Banda Aceh.)

Two, and perhaps a more important point, it may be better to wait a few weeks before donating anything. By then, it will become more clear which organizations are best equipped to handle this disaster and you may be able to make your donation more effective.

My main motivation for donating now is so I could avoid feeling like a fraud while writing this post. Kind of like my roommate who will enter the kitchen, say something like "Wow, this floor is really dirty!" and then proceed to blissfully walk past the broom and lie on the couch by the TV, as if he just cast a magic spell that will animate his week-old baguette into a little boy that will sweep the entire kitchen floor and then throw himself into the trash can.

But I digress. And here's another digression. I have been thinking a lot recently about the gradients of good deeds, such as a poor person giving a food bank $5 versus a millionaire giving $50, or a person telling the truth who would feel guilty if he didn't versus a person telling the same truth who finds it very difficult. Are these actions equally moral, or are some better than others? What matters, the objective (e.g. the principle of telling the truth), the personal (the difficulty for you or I to tell the truth), or both?

To tie this into the original topic, most people find it easier to donate time or money immediately after a disaster rather than a month later, even though the need is usually at least as great at both times. For this type of person, is donating the money a month later "more good" than a few days after, when it is easier to act?

Firefox Go Vroom Vroom

How to make Firefox a lot faster in less than three minutes [via] ([via] also from [via]).

It makes a huge difference with certain web pages. Like this one.

(Note: This will be the first and last time I ever link to freerepublic.com.)

So...

How many brown people have to die before it leads the local nightly news?

I know it's no "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll pop?", but it's important to me nonetheless.

The night the tsunami shattered coastal regions in Asia, the local news in D.C. did a story at 11:05. The estimated dead were at least 10,000. The top story: Some travelers were stranded at airports because, and this is really bizarre, lots of people travel around Christmas and snow continues to fall towards the ground, in spite of the fact that people are traveling for the Christmas holiday that very day.

Snow is a jerk. But will snow be a jerk in Washington D.C.? To Ronnie in the Weather Tower, a man who not only catalogued the daily weather stats but also pulled off the amazing stunt of commending viewers for bravely soldering on during the horribly frigid weather while almost-simultaneously expressing regret for the lack of snow this Christmas, a substance that, to the best of my knowledge, requires cold to form.

Then came the brown people. And, I kid you not, after describing the disaster and giving the death count, they, through an act of TV news wizardy that will put to shame any critic who ever said the news never sticks with a story, somehow, found a few stranded travelers in Sri Lanka and started talking about them.

The next night, same station, the disaster lead the newscast. At that point, the death toll had risen to at least 28,000. While that doesn't answer the original question, it provides a valuable clue.

Based on these two nights, the number of brown people that have to die to lead the local nightly news is between 10,000 and 28,000. Of course, this is assuming there isn't an obviously bigger story, like the President being assassinated or a Twinkie factory shutting down.

Personally, my gut feeling tells me the magic numbers are 18,000 brown people, 10,000 white people, and 3 Americans. Unless the Americans are in another country, where in that case it would take at least 5 killed by violent death, 12 by natural disaster, with an exception if there's a movie about the disaster coming out next week, like "Death Not Fun(nel)" or "I-cy Danger, I See France," and the media conglomerate that owns the local television station also owns the movie studio making the movie. Then the number is anyone's guess.

I'm Back

Here is my perfunctory "I'm back" post.

And this is the required end to not only this post, but all posts in general, at least until someone attempts to share with his or her friends all the digits of Pi.

A Few Things

1. I'm going home to spend time with my family for the next week. Probably won't post much.

2. I was flipping through the channels before going to bed, when I saw ALF. Hosting a talk show. A new talk show.

3. Re: #2--WHAT THE F---?

3b: The sidekick? Ed McMahon.

Social Security Reform

For my generation, Social Security is the catch-all of cynicism. It's our symbol of older people screwing us over, how adults are just as irresponsible as kids, and how our grandparents' whining about how hard they had it as kids isn't going to come close to the suffering we will endure when we are retired.

Or, more accurately, if we retire, right? Because that's how screwed up the Social Security is supposed to be. Common knowledge. This memory may be fabricated, but I think once a friend of mine questioned our belief that Social Security wasn't going to be around in 40 years, and we all looked at him like he was the stupidest, most naive person in the entire world.

"Of course Social Security isn't going to be around. The baby boomers are going to take all the money. It's either going to collapse or we're going to have to work 80 hours a week paying for our parents."

It wasn't until President Bush started claiming Social Security is in dire danger and saying the only way to fix it was to change the system from "pay for the future generation" to "put the money in the stock market for yourself" that I began doubting the conventional wisdom about the health of Social Security. It's kind of like the tricky friend who always disagrees with you and then, when he finally agrees with you on one issue, you realize he was twirling his handlebar mustache at the time and it instinctively raises your suspicions.

So this is the point where I post a few links showing that Social Security is essentially solvent and not in crisis, right? Not quite. While it's my opinion, it's a opinion based on the reasoning on others and not my own. I don't feel comfortable propagating an opinion I'm currently leaning towards solely based on heresy (albeit from people I respect). Fuck that shit. Visit the link, bitches!

Rather, I ask you to just to keep an open mind that the idea of a Social Security crisis that many of us have had drummed into our heads over the past years may be untrue. Social Security, as it exists now, may not even be a serious problem that requires anything beyond a few simple adjustments.

In other words, if at a later date I argue there is nothing wrong with Social Security, please hold off for a few minutes from looking at me like I'm a complete dumb-ass.

Postscript (12/19): After re-reading my post, it has a huge inconsistency, namely the last two paragraphs where I write Social Security "may not even be a serious problem that requires anything beyond a few simple adjustments" and, the next sentence later, when I write "if at a later date I argue there is nothing wrong with Social Security..."

Oops.

The former is my current position. Social Security needs to be adjusted, but as far as I can tell, it doesn't need huge changes and isn't in crisis. But that's markedly different from suggesting there is nothing wrong with the system, an argument that would make me, well, a complete dumb-ass.

Andrew, my guess is that you were mostly responding to this part of my argument, the idea that Social Security is fine the way it is. I wrote my response to you in the comments before I realized this.

In short, this whole post is another shining example why I should stay out of the serious stuff and stick to the monkey jokes.

About that hatred towards Muslims we had after 9/11...

It's still there! 44 percent of Americans favor curtailing some liberties for Muslim Americans! 27 percent of respondents said that all Muslim Americans should be required to register their location with the federal government! 71 percent of Americans can add 44 and 27!

After reading this study, coming out over three years after 9/11, let me be the first one to say this: whew. One of my problems with America is that we never stick with our ethnic groups. We had a great run with the blacks, but after them, nothing.

Remember that brief period in the 80s when we were throwing cinder blocks through the windshields of Toyotas and bashing the doors of Hyundais with baseball bats? Two months later, the streets of Detroit had a few leftover shards of glass, a Japanese cabinet member had to dry clean his suit, and we're all playing Nintendo.

McCarthyism was an eight-year joke. And we've barely got three decades out of the gays before they got Will and Grace.

"But what about the interment camps in WWII?" What about them? We went through all that trouble rounding up Japanese-American citizens, transporting them to remote areas, putting them into barbed-wire camps. Then the war ends and we let them out!

No commitment whatsoever. That's why I'm encouraged by this trend of consistent, irrational hatred towards Muslims. It provides a solid base to build on and bodes well for the future. And I hate to be premature, but Muslims have several innate characteristics that may make them the 21st century's hottest oppressed minority:

1) Dark skin.
2) Religious, but the wrong one.
3) Several decades of prep work as terrorists in movies.
4) Yet to appear in Gap ad.
5) Women sexy enough to protect? Who knows?
6) Popularity in other countries makes it easier to tell them "Go back home!" (as opposed to Native Americans).

And all of this is without a terrorist attack since 9/11. One attack a decade, a few more right-wing broadcasters, and we could be looking back to the good ol' days where gays got beat up for who they are, not what they say they are. Where the Confederate flag flew proudly in all the Southern states and not just most of them. And where segregation stayed in the place where it belonged: federal and state Constitutions (thanks for keeping it real, Alabama!)

Neat Vanity License Plate

INTJ (I saw it while dog walking today).

Post-Election Bumper Stickers I'd Like To See

"Don't blame me. I voted for giving all our money to carnies."

"Don't blame me. I'm an adorable wittle baby." [photo of baby]

"Rigged the election and on the run."

LeGuin Responds To Earthsea Miniseries

This will probably only interest 1 out of 20 of you, which, considering the number of people that visit my site, comes out to a right arm and part of a torso.

The SciFi Channel recently ran a 4-hour miniseries based on Ursula K. LeGuin's EarthSea books, a well-liked fantasy series that I suspect holds particular appeal to teens because of its realistic portrayal of adolescence.

Based on other adaptations of books to the screen, what do you think is her reaction to the TV series?
1) Pleased with the result and appreciates all the time and effort the writers and producers made to stay true to the spirits of the books.
2) Mad that they fucked everything up.

With the exceptions of The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, two books with vastly greater fan bases, has it ever been #1? Ever? In fact, isn't fucking things up the job of writers and producers who translate novels to the screen?

It's why that while I respect LeGuin's opinion, my heart remains a snug three sizes too small. No one held a magic staff to her head and threatened to turn her into a balderbeast if she didn't sell the TV rights to her books and relinquish all creative control in the contract. And based on the sample size of every single novel adapation in history, how could she expect anything different to have happened?

On another note, if you are looking for a good read, check out her novel, The Left Hand of Darkness. Excellent sci-fi book, even if you're not a huge fan of the genre.

Stop Me If You Heard This One Before

I went to a stand-up comedy show a few days ago and one of the opening comedians did a joke I've already heard from at least one other comedian. But right as he said it, I got hit by a form of cognitive dissonance and forgot who stole it from whom. I think he stole it…or maybe it was the hack at the Chuckle Hut last week…or that other dude last month at the Fun Factory.

If I had to pick him about of a police lineup, I fear I would let society down.

OFFICER: "Sir, can you pick out the comedian who stole the joke?"
ME: "Um…#2?"
OFFICER: "The guy in the yellow jump suit and floppy red shoes?"
ME: "Yes…no, wait. It's not him. He sells fries. #4? Maybe if I heard him?"
OFFICER: "#4, please step forward."
#4: "What the deal with sleep medications? I'm taking this new one, Sleepitor. There's a list of side effects on the bottle. You know what's the first side effect listed on it is? Drowsiness!"
OFFICER: "Thank you, that's enough."
#4: "I mean, what's next? A warning on heroin? 'May cause irritability'."
OFFICER: "I said, that's enough."
#4: "Speaking of irritability, let me tell you about my girlfriend. Boy oh boy. Here's the difference between men and women."
OFFICER: [pulls out gun] "I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH!" BAM BAM BAM [comic collapses and crumbles in a ball] "…Oh, no. What have I done?"
ME: "Justice, my friend. Justice."

But maybe I'm being too judgmental. I'm not a stand-up comic. Is joke stealing even a crime? Perhaps standup has a service similar to the Associated Press, a common pool of jokes any comedian can use when he or she is short on funny material or doesn't have the time to fly to Florida and write his or her own jokes about old people getting flu shots.

Or maybe, similar to the Illuminati, there are only 12 funny joke writers in the world, and they supply materials for all of the comedians. To maximize their efforts, they'll send the same jokes to different regions of the country and require comedians to take a blood oath promising to work local. But the oath is occasionally broken and the comedian travels, revealing the flaws in the system before he can be silenced and sent back to waiting tables (hence the high turnover rate in both industries).

Great Headlines in Newspaper History

Terrorists May Use Lasers, U.S. Says

Hey, guys? The election is over. YOU CAN STOP USING FEAR TO PUNCH RATIONAL THOUGHT IN THE STOMACH ANY DAY NOW.

The article is about how there have been "two or three cases" (hey, who's counting?) of a laser beam shining in the cockpits of planes as the pilots are landing.

There is only one solution to this new terrorist menace. A 67 million dollar program to cover every cockpit window with a solid black "laser protection" shield, preferably installed by Haliburton, although in dangerous times like these, any Republican donor will do.

(Side note: Blogger's spell check suggestion for "Haliburton" is "half-hearted.")

Canada's Supreme Court Declares Same-Sex Marriages Constitutional

For a month, just a month, we need to kidnap 20 million U.S. religious nuts, swap them with 20 million Canadians, and pass a telephone book worth of good laws. "Hey, fundies! Welcome home. Oh, by the way, while you were gone, we legalized gay marriage, laminated the Constitution so you can't change it back, installed a laser system in government buildings that will destroy any version of the Ten Commandments within 50 feet, got Barbara Bush to spank George at his inauguration, and renamed partial-birth abortions God, at least until you make an exception for protecting the health of the mother. So if God is telling you to ban God, well, that Her business.

Yup. It's Her now. We're taking turns. But don't worry. We'll switch back in 1,000 years.

Adventures in Typography

Those of you in the design community may have heard of the multimedia artist and visual fusion DJ Evangelical Ro. He does interesting work, usually melding disparate areas such as music, graffiti, and computer animation to create presentations that gently expand our notion of what multimedia is, a notion that has shrunk severely in face of the marketplace definition of the word, such as interactive CD-ROMS and DVDs with computer-only content.

He recently posted a few of his new projects on his web page. How can you get a typographical tribute to Biggie Smalls?

Does God Exist? Part II

(continued from previous post)

My reasoning is that we can infer the possibility and nature of God's existence through observations of the world and how the universe works.

For instance, let's say that every time a truly destitute person plays and loses the lottery, a hot ham sandwich falls from the heavens, followed shortly thereafter by a beverage, cloth napkin, and utensils, pointy side up. This event is impossible to explain rationally, so we could only conclude that God exists and directly influences the world in small ways to mitigate people's suffering.

On the other hand, let's say every time a homeless person buys a lottery ticket, thick, dark clouds mask the sky and a big, booming laugh emanates from the walls. After many seconds, the laughter dies down and a deep voice bellows, "You think you're going to win the lottery? Oh, that's rich. Almost as rich as this hot bowl of tomato soup. Mmmm. Wish I could share some with you. Oh, wait. I can share some with you. I'm God. Ha ha ha ha ha ha."

Then, it would be obvious that, a, God exists, and b, he is a colossal jerk. As a corollary, religious fanatics working full-time to make life miserable for anyone who disagrees with them really would be doing God's work.

But these hypothetical situations have no place in reality. It is unreasonable to expect God to give direct proof of his existence. For one, if he does exist, he has better things to do.

Two, there has been no direct and credible evidence of God's existence, in spite of many people trying extremely hard to prove otherwise. Basing the verisimilitude of your entire belief system on a birthmark appearing on a goat's ass that kind of sort of looks like Jesus is just plain silly. What are these people trying to say, God exists, but he's a hillbilly?

GOD: "I'm so proud of you, son, I'm gonna be putting your image on a goat's be-hind."
JESUS: "I can't believe you’re my Dad."
GOD: "And I can't wait for your birthday. I gonna git you a present that's gonna be hee-lar-i-ous! You still like grilled cheese, right?"

Third, and most important, we can't expect God to actively reveal his presence is because God, by definition, is lazy.

What I mean is that laziness is a requirement of omnipotence. Can you imagine a Type A personality being God? Everything would have gotten done in the first five minutes of the Universe. God would have had to spend the next 20 billion years dusting.

No. If God does exist, the Bible got it right. He took off Sunday and slept in.

For the next two thousand years and counting.

God went on extended vacation and told his followers that he wouldn't be appearing in the sky for a while because, uh, look, just trust me. I'm here. If there is a heaven, it's filled with millions of souls, pressing divots into the cloud-shaped floor as they wander around aimlessly and wonder when the hell God is going to get back and refill the beer in the fridge.

With the necessity of a supernatural being to be shiftless and unmotivated in place, the task now becomes to examine the natural workings of our Universe and ask ourselves, "Did all this stuff happen at random, or did some dude, albeit a lazy dude, have something to do with it?"

It's a question that is impossible to answer definitely, but there is a lot of circumstantial evidence that points to yes.

1. Gravity. Here's the effect of gravity. You can dump a bunch of stars and planets in space, give them each a flick to get started, and never, ever has to worry about them again. Gravity is the pet goldfish of the omnipotent beings world.
   

2. Evolution. Same principle. Bucket of primordial ooze, lightning bolt. Check back every 500 million years. Perfect for the hands-off manager who likes to take naps under his desk.
   

3. Natural disasters. The problem with unguided evolution is that, while it requires a minimum of maintenance, it's kind of like a child raising himself in a Mega Mall. The ice-cream shop is next to the gun store, which is next to the book store, which is next to the magazine kiosk with all the porn, and so on. Yeah, you could watch over the kid to make sure he doesn't get too crazy, but if you wanted to do that you wouldn't have abandoned him in a Mega Mall in the first place.
   
   So the choice, throughout the history of the Universe, when faced with a potential fuck-up, has always been a long-term intervention program involving constant attention and nurturing guidance vs. Big Fucking Meteor. Check the fossil records. Guess which one always wins?
   
   Score another one for the OLB (Old Lazy Bastard).

I know none of this is conclusive, but it's good enough for me. I feel confident enough to believe that one, God exists, and two, he is really lazy, and his laziness explains a lot of why the Universe is the way it is.

Even if you don't agree with me, I suggest you at least hedge your bets. It's very simple to do. On your death bed, just make sure someone buries a six-pack with you.

Super Size Me

I just saw Super Size Me. Then, five minutes later, I read this news story. My, how things have changed.

Does God Exist? Part I.

While driving I often get lost in thought. The radio drifts in the background and my mind goes form mundane topics such as the necessity of procuring ketchup on my next trip to the grocery store to intellectual matters such as the origin of the words ketchup and catsup, and if class or the over-production of tomatoes played a role in the product coming into existence.

(After reading a few articles, the most interesting factoid I found is that ketchup was first introduced as a time-saving device. Supposedly, Heinz advertised the first commercial ketchup with the tagline: "Blessed relief for Mother and the other women in the household!")

Okay, I don't really spend most of my time thinking about weighty but irrelevant intellectual questions. I mostly think about food, sex, and the question, "Where is that smell coming from?"

But there are exceptions! Like yesterday, when I was trying to figure out whether God existed or not before the light turned green. My initial thoughts:

Evidence That God Exists

1. Whenever a sports announcer makes a sweeping statement complimenting a player or team's performance, such as "Hughes is on fire from the free throw line, six for six" or "Manning hasn't thrown an interception in the last 93 passes " the player will always, and immediately, without fail, screw up.
   
   
2. Jesus appears on grilled cheese sandwiches and dental X-Rays.
   
   
3. Some natural disasters point to the influence of a higher being. For example, take the giant meteor that contributed to the dinosaur's demise 65 million years ago. Somebody wanted a do over. How do you live on a planet for over 200 million years and not even develop Seinfeld?
   
   Jerry/Allosaurus: "You should go out with her."
   George/Stegosaurus: "I don't know. I like a girl with a few humps. Does she have a hump?"
   Jerry/Allosaurus: "Yes, she has a hump. Plenty of hump."
   George/Stegosaurus: "And what about a tail fin? I love tail fins. They're great for back rubs. They can always get that spot I can't reach with my own tail."
   Jerry/Allosaurus: "I'm sure she has a very lovely tail fin."
   
   Kramer/Tyrannosaurus rex comes running in and skids as he tries to stop.
   
   Kramer/Tyrannosaurus rex: "Jerry, you got the keys?"
   Jerry/Allosaurus: "Sure, Kramer. Catch." [tosses keys]
   Kramer/Tyrannosaurus rex: "Uh oh."

Evidence That God Does Not Exist

1. 11/1/04. The day before the election. Number of lightning bolts thrown at Bush: 0.
   
   
2. The dinosaurs. Hands-off is nice and all, but if God existed you would think the G-ster would have intervened sometime before Tyrannosaurus rex's hands shrunk to the point where he couldn't play tennis.
   
   
3. Life isn't fair. For many years I have accepted life's unfairness as an immutable fact. Railing against it made as much sense as complaining about the color of the sky or the number of toes on one's feet. (Everyone else has 11 too, right?)
   
   Then I realized how easy it would be for a truly omnipotent being to make life fair. Would it have killed God to hide a movie ticket every now and then in my thick tuffs of back hair? Or give people who top out at 4'11" magnetic hands so they can draw cans on the top shelftowards them? (Trivia: I'm not saying I know what inspired George Lucas to come up with The Force, but he is 4'9" with lifts).
   

It is this last line of thought that, on the drive home, I realized could answer the question of God's existence once and for all.

Part II coming on Tuesday.

Remember the "Badgers Badgers Badgers" Guy?

I don't know how long Magical Trevor has been around, but it gives one of his previous creations, Badgers Badgers Badgers, a run for the crown of Insipidly Mesmerizing Flash Animation. And it's catchier too. Link from one of my favorite sites to steal links, LYD.

I Didn't Know Acceptance Was Controversial

This is almost beyond words. NBC and CBS are refusing to air an ad because it makes the "controversial" statement that turning people away from a church because they are gay is wrong.

It's a good thing Janet Jackson's nipple wasn't gay, or the villagers would have burnt the network down.

You can watch the horrifying ad here, and read about the networks' justification for rejecting the ad here.

Planet Feedback, Part 1: The Movies

I just found a web site that will likely waste weeks of my time. It's Planet Feedback, a collection of complaints, compliments, and suggestions people have sent to almost any company you can think of.

It's a perfect mix of light voyuerism and comedy. Some of the letters are hilarious. Here's a collection of some of the best ones about movies: (links open in new windows; you can also hold shift while clicking to open a link in another browser window.)

"You have done our Country a great favor."

Fahrenheit 911--another opinion.

Make this man a movie mogul.

The funniest one of them all.

"Superman or Gooberman?" Comic Book Guy speaks.

Dubya: The Movie

We're out of power in the Presidency, both Houses for Congress, the right wing has their own major newspaper and television station, and roughly 15% more of Americans identify themselves as conservative compared to liberal*.

But at least we still own the comedy market. Dubya: The Movie (link from atrios).

* Not a new trend.

There Is No Greater Struggle Than The Fight For Cake

A few weeks ago in my Saturday morning stuttering therapy group, our therapist mentioned that we wouldn't be meeting for a few weeks. She said something about having to go to a few conferences, but I suspect she is seeing another group on the side. I catch her turning around to peek out the blinds around 11:30, and she is very insistent about us leaving at noon.

Once, group ran until 12:15 and she made us walk out the back door wearing our jackets over our heads. She said, "Pretend the paparazzi are trying to catch you stutter." While it was fun, I figured out the truth on the car ride home after my jacket slipped over my eyes and I almost ran into a telephone poll.

Someone proposed in the meantime we get together on a weeknight, November 30^th. My birthday. Five years ago, I would have never mentioned my birthday was the same day. When you're extremely self-conscious, the thought of dozens of pairs of eyes staring at you while they holler a ballad honoring the day of your birth is mortifying.

That was before I got my first full-time job and learned a valuable lesson. You find a way to mention your birthday is coming up, you get cake. You don't, no cake.

Furthermore, if you don't mention your birthday and next week a co-worker asks about your weekend, and you let it slip out that you went out with a few friends to celebrate your birthday, you will become a social pariah. Because not only did you deny yourself cake, but you denied the whole office cake as well, in addition to an hour or two off of work.

In short time that part of my self-consciousness quickly eroded to make room for an altruistic desire to use my birthday to further in my own small way the global consumption of cake products. So when my stuttering posse, after rejecting half a dozen dates to meet and finally arriving at a day that miraculously seemed to work with everyone else asked for my acquiescence, I decided to play hard ball.

"Hmm. I'm not sure I can make it then. The 30^th is my birthday."

"What's that? Celebrate my birthday too? But by what manner do you propose...oh. Cake. Well, let me ponder upon your proposal for a moment. Hmm. While you do have my deepest gratitude for your offer of eating plain cake on my birthday, I fear I must...yes? Hmm-mmm? Chocolate cake? With sprinkles? What a novel idea. You know, I do believe I will be able to reschedule my plans for the 30^th. For the good of the group."

So I got my cake. There it was, sitting next to several platters and trays of food and a humongous cake, Cake Sr., to celebrate the one of my friends in the group moving to Princeton next month. Mary, the sucker who bought me the cake, lit a candle on Cake Jr. and they sung Happy Birthday. Then someone handed me a piece. I laughed. Ha! I'm not actually going to eat the cake! I just wanted someone to buy it for me.

Nine-tenths of the cake is now sitting on my counter. It's a waste, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Need...More...Turkey

Zombie Jason...needs more turkey. With stuffing. And graaaaaavy. Only Ramen at home. Turkey-flavored noodles...not same thing.

I had an eventful week. Last Tuesday, I went to a meeting of a sketch comedy group that arose from the primordial comedic ooze a few weeks ago. I am usually uncomfortable around new people, so I was forcing myself to chat and ask questions. Everyone was friendly. A good time was being had.

So it's near the end of the meeting. They had a show this upcoming Sunday and were doing group readings of the scripts so the director could cast the show. The last script had eight people in it, and everyone was tired of reading, so I thought: "I'll help out with the reading. I have a severe stutter, so it's not like the director is actually going to cast me."

I picked a small part, read it. On the second go around, I picked another small part no one wanted to read.

The next thing I know, the director says to me, "Okay, you're Swami. Meeting adjourned. Everyone, see you this Saturday at rehearsal."

What the f---? Hey, crazy director. I don't like performing. During periods, like the past few weeks, when my stuttering is very severe, I don't even like speaking. I hide under the covers when the phone rings and let my roommates answer it. Read my alpha waves: cast someone else. Like a monkey. Monkeys are funny. Everyone loves monkeys. Monkey monkey monkey monkey....

Alas, as it has been the fate so many times in my life, there was no monkey to be found.

I'll compress the rest of the week. In short, having to perform turns out to be very good motivation to work on one's speech. Confronting some of the avoidances I let develop in the past few months helped my feel better than I have in a long time.

The performance was yesterday, and it went very well. I made stuttering part of my character and made it part of the joke. We filmed the performance and ran it twice, asking the kindly audience to be a laugh track if they had to.

I got almost no laughs the first time around because, to both my pleasure and disappointment, few people laughed at my stuttering. After the first show, we introduced ourselves and I said I'm a real-life person who stutters. I think that made it okay for people to laugh because I got a much better response the second time around.

Overall, it was worth the stress and I'm happy that I got drafted into doing it. I might even do it again, if I can come up with a character who stutters.

Of course, this is assuming the circus still won't loan me the monkey.

Link Survey

Several years ago, a design class I took in college convinced me underlining words for emphasis is a horrible idea. I turned off underlining of links in my web browser, and after a short adjustment period, found it made web pages more aesthetic and eye-pleasing.

I rarely use other people's computers, but when I do (and links are underlined) the difference is shocking. Link-heavy sites like The Washington Post are now almost unreadable.

So I have a few questions and a suggestion. Do you have your web browser set to underline links? If not, what prompted you to switch? If you do, try turning the feature off and go sans-undies for a day. Give yourself time to adjust and let me know if you like it better.

You can find the setting in most broswers by going to Tools->Options and then selecting "Fonts & Colors" (in Firefox, the best broswer out there) and Advanced->Browsing in IE.

Him Name Is Hopkins

This site is awesome. Very funny and original.

Hopkins Update: BoingBoing has background info on Hopkin's Journey.

Cheese Sandwich Update

$28,000. The winning bid came from Golden Palace, an online casino that is developing a reputation for unusual publicity events. They paid someone to streak at (last year's?) Superbowl with their web site address tattooed on his back (link warning: this guy's butt almost turned me straight).

If you're sad that you're bid wasn't high enough, you can always visit their web site and get your own Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich Commenatorive T-shirt for $19.95.

The runner-up bid was from Rabbi Harry Halpern, whose plan was to threaten to eat the sandwich if the Christians didn't limit their singing of Jingle Bells to 100 times a week per public space. When told of Halpern's plan, Governor Schwarzenegger said: "No! We will never reduce the singing of Jingle Bells. We will jingle all the way!"

Why Doesn't Jesus Ever Get Blamed for the Bad Stuff?

Jesus is like that guy at work who's friendly and pleasant to be around, but you don't really know what he does, and he keeps on getting promoted. When there's a screw-up, somehow he's never involved but he arrives a few minutes afterwards with a few pats on the back and consoling words. "There, there. We'll get another client."

Everyone brightens in his presence and forgets about their problems for a moment, and you do too, but there's this tingly feeling in the back of your head and makes you think, "Wait a minute. Wasn't Mertzsky Jesus's client?"

Or people say things like, "I have a potato. Thanks Jesus!" But no one ever stubs his or her toe and says, "Ouch! Damn it, Jesus, what the hell is your problem?"

There are plenty of bumper stickers printed with "Jesus Loves" or "Jesus Saves." What about, "Hey, Jesus. What's up with that Packers game last week?"

I'm all for being saved, but I want the whole package. That includes not leaving my house. It seems like all the people being saved by Jesus are the ones that have to do the leg work. Jesus, I'm so lazy that I'll go out in cold weather in a T-shirt and thin jacket so I don't have to remove as many layers when I get back inside. You want to save me, start by turning off my snooze alarm. The snooze button is like a rectangular Satan. Turn it into a duck or something. Then, after lunch, and a hot cocoa, we'll talk.

Delay

After being reprimanded by the House ethics committee three times in the past few months, Tom Delay, the Republican House leader, is currently being investigated by a Texas district attorney. The investigation is focused on his fundraising efforts for a redistricting effort in Texas he led that redrew the districts to knock five Democrats in Texas out of Congress. A Texas grand jury has already indicted three of his associates and is now focusing on him.

In light of this potential scandal, the Republican House members did what any self-respecting party would do. They rewrote their party rules so if Delay is indicted, he can still retain his leadership position.

Take a note, Bloods and Crips. That's how we do it, Washington-style.

Now, some would call the Republican's move an example of the unbridled corruption that comes when a party is in power for too long. An abandonment of the ethical principles they once professed to hold.

Say It Ain't So, Post

I love The Washington Post. The paper isn't perfect by any means, but overall I think it's the best in the nation. They do a lot of thoughtful, original reporting and have the best online site in the business.

Most recently, I was impressed with their "debate referee" feature after the presidential debates, where they examined the veracity of the statements made by the two candidates. I read similar fact-check features by the other major newspapers, and the Post creamed them in terms of breadth and detail.

So it really disturbs me to read that their Executive Editor Leonard Downie is planning on dumbing down the newspaper.

The Post just wrapped up its annual self-evaluation meeting, an offsite event that includes top editors and executives from the paper's business side. This year's meeting focused on the paper's declining circulation -- now at 709,500 daily copies, down 10 percent over the past two years -- and the results of an extensive readership survey taken last summer.

In an effort to win new readers, Downie said Post reporters will be required to write shorter stories. The paper's design and copy editors will be given more authority to make room for more photographs and graphics.

The paper will undergo a redesign to make it easier for readers to find stories. It is considering filling the left-hand column of the front page with keys to stories elsewhere in the paper and other information readers say they want from the paper, which they often consider "too often too dull," Downie said.

"Newspapers should be fun and it should be fun to work at one," [No. 2 editor] Bennett said.

Someone needs to make a Washington Post Barbie.

• "Working at a newspaper is hard. Tee hee hee!"
• "Newspapers should be fun!"
• "Words are boring. I want to see pictures that mooooove!"

I welcome any change to make information easier to find and understand. But not at the expense of content. In many news articles on political issues, the reporter is bound by the requirements of the pyramid structure and even handedness. The interesting details tend to be buried later in the story, and I worry that they will one of the many things that will be sacrified in the name of new readers, who, evidentially, don't read newspapers because they have too many words and not enough pretty pictures.

Because I Like To Feel Superior

Coincidence?

The Grey Video

Last February, DJ Dangermouse mixed music from the Beatles' White album with beats and lyrics of Jay-Z's Black album. The resulting Grey album was a brilliant meld of their two styles. It also drew the ire of the company that owns the Beatles music and was forced to be distributed on file-sharing networks and a few brave web site owners.

The video for one of Dangermouse's songs, Encore, was just released. It's well done and fun to watch. Catch it before it gets taken down.

Support Our Troops

The most popular bumper sticker today is a ribbon, usually yellow or red, white, and blue. with the inscription "Support our troops." Occasionally, someone will mix things up with a "Support President Bush and our troops" sticker, but the strain this Venn diagram puts on the minds of patriotic souls everywhere has limited its popularity.

I admire these people for taking a stand against the strong anti-troop movement that has arisen in our country and threatens to tear apart the fabric of our nation. Our troops need to know that we support them, and if putting a bumper sticker expressing this sentiment on our cars isn't the best way to let them know, then we might as well rename America "Terrorist Land" and get it over with.

I fear, though, that having become ubiquitous the message will get stale and lose its effectiveness in supporting our troops and combating dissent. So I made up several alternative messages that will soon be appearing in The Pancake City Troop Power Pack (9 stickers, $69.95. Five percent of profits will go towards a fundraiser to buy the troops a $14 million MX-140 missile. If we don't raise enough money, I will instead send the troops a dozen Hostess cupcakes, laid out in the box in the shape of a giant thumbs up.)

Alternative Slogans

• Support our troops…our drama troupes!
• Do you support our troops…or are you a child molester?
• Something NAMBLA and the NRA can agree on: supporting our troops!
• It's not enough to support our troops. Support supporting our troops!
• Support our girdles.
• Vote Yes on Prop. 182. What's Prop. 182? Supporting our troops!
• Say no to the sewer people who are recruiting a zombie army to attack the surface dwellers that have lorded over them for so long. Say yes to supporting troops!
• Do troops eat babies? No! So why don't you support our troops?
  
• Stützen unsere Truppen!
  

When Your Co-Workers Are Away

Practical jokes to play on your co-workers (link from LYD).

Oh, No!

Iraq is trying to build a nuclear bomb!

I mean, Iran is trying to build a nuclear bomb!

This time, it's for real!

It's a Dog Eat Everything World

Dogs are the culinary cowboys and cowgirls of the animal kingdom. They eat first, ask questions later.

I am a dog walker, and during almost every walk, my charge and I will pass several items that fall along the spectrum of food to trash: discarded napkin, candy wrapper, pizza crust, mud-caked paper, and so on.

One would think that I would just have to keep Sophie, a golden retriever I walk, away from the pizza crust and maybe from the candy wrapper if there is still traces of chocolate smeared on it. Just to be safe, since chocolate makes dogs sick.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

In the world of dogs, there is no trash. There is only food, food?, and "probably not food, but why take a chance?"

When I pass a balled-up napkin, Sophie will try to eat it. Sure, it could be a napkin. Or...it could be a napkin dipped in barbeque sauce! Or a napkin someone dropped after robbing the gravy store and fleeing the police. Or a delicious dog biscuit cleverly disguised in napkin form, a reward for any dog brave enough to challenge the orthodoxy of molecular structure and one's lying eyes.

A bloodhound can identify your scales of skin that you shed three days ago. Dogs have 40 times the number of scent receptors in their noses than humans. So does Sophie sniff the napkin for 1.5 seconds before deciding whether to eat it?

Of course not. Maybe that's what dogs used to do, but today's modern dogs don't have the time. I've seen Sophie scoop up a wad of paper, scan for grease and chocolate, and spit it out while my tongue is still lifting upwards to make an "S".

Sophie and I have a different reaction when she pulls off a successful eating. I feel guilty and frustrated, having failed to stop her from eating something that will either give her diarrhea or an upset stomach. She feels like she just pulled off the most amazing feat, like the con in The Sting or a bank shot off three walls.

I used to lunge to pull the offending substance from her mouth until I realized she was interpreting that as a lesson in the stupidity of chewing. Our current agreement is that if my attention slips and she eats something yucky, I won't flip out, unless it's extremely disgusting. A piece of bread with jelly on it: okay. If the jelly has ants on it, I'm doing what I can to swat it from her mouth.

She gets enough protein as it is from the ants on the pizza crusts.

Pancake City Bumper Sticker

And it's just in time for Chrisanukah.

More Miracles

The 38-city Virgin Mary 2004 tour is nearing an end, but she's ending with a bang. After appearing on a potato, fence post, side of a llama, and a oak tree (a perennial stalwart), her latest appearance is one of her best ever: a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich.

The money quote (CNN, link from Trash Talkin' Rodeo): "Duyser, 52, said she took a bite after making it 10 years ago and saw a face staring back at her from the bread."

There have been times when, in a fit of laziness and hunger, I've eaten sandwich meat or bread whose freshness was borderline at best. The food, 1-2 weeks old, was hesitantly downed. I was worried about getting sick and argued the decision internally for several minutes, sometimes even consulting friends about the life expectancy of a tuna fish melt left on the counter overnight.

Unless the reporter's editor removed the following sentence: "After considering the decision for over a year while consulting nutritionists, health professionals, and the International Nuclear Agency, she decided it was safe to eat the sandwich" then we have a much bigger issue than another appearance of the visage of the Virgin Mary. This woman, Duyser, is either going to die an agonizing death or mutate into a super-human monster. If it's the latter, we need to clear her neighbors out of the area and bring in the bomb because fools and madmen take chances with decade-old Velveeta.

The sandwich, of course, was put on EBay, where the bidding reaches $22,000 before they removed the listing. EBay's justification for taking Mary down was that it doesn't allow listings intended to be jokes.

Oh, no. This isn't a joke. The woman completely believes there is an image of the Virgin Mary on the sandwich. She also believes there are pelicans in tutus twirling on her bed while squirrels fly out of Robert Goulet's mouth spelling mid-air the words to "My Love is a Sofa" or whatever song he sings. You see, Ebay isn't accounting for a critical detail in her story, namely SHE JUST ATE PART OF A TEN-YEAR OLD SANDWICH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S LESS LOONY THAN EATING A TEN-YEAR OLD SANDWICH? EATING AN ACTUAL TEN-YEAR OLD. ON THE CRAZINESS SCALE, TEN-YEAR OLD SANDWICH CRUSHES EATING A SIDE OF BILLY.

Screw bidding on the sandwich. We need to start a fundraiser for this woman. Mental health professionals, pills, detox--these services are expensive and I don't think her HMO has a religious food clause in their policy.

Update: Damn it. I spent half an hour writing this post and just realized I misread the article. She took a bite of the sandwich when she made it ten years ago, and then stored it. I suppose this says something of my opinion of certain religious people when my first reaction is to assume that she was storing the sandwich for a late-night snack. I should have gone with my first idea: I'll renounce my athiesm and join the Catholic church if the Virgin Mary will appear on the cover of a gay bondage video.

Update 2: The cheese is back! (Thanks Evan). Although you would think with a $99,999,999.00 top bid, she would throw in the shipping for free.

Miracles

There are miracles of nature that are both breathtaking and rare. A double rainbow. A shooting star. A lunar eclipse.

Then there's seeing a dog poop while standing up. Brought a tear to my eye.

Mind Your Ps, Screw the Qs

You get to see one of the writing exercises I did today. Lucky you.

***

Perry Precinct presided over the popular People's Palace, a place of public pleasure that, privately, people portrayed as a pretense for the "Perfects" to push aside Peroria's paramount problems and play up their power over their pawns.

Perry's part in this predetermined play was perfunctory. Pass predictions. Perform with passion. Please the plebians.

"Perry! Perry!" Phineas pushed past the pair of pattern-mechs protecting Perry. The pats were unperturbed and permitted his passage. When proclaiming his presence, Phineas was as passionately a prisoner to a pattern as the pattern-mechs.

New Rules for Holidays

We need stricter criteria for judging who gets to celebrate holidays. For Veteran's Day, the only people who should get off are veterans. Or at least rename the holiday, "Veterans, Government Workers, Some Private Businesses, Groggy and Not Wanting To Come Into Work So I'll Call In Sick Cough Cough Day."

And Columbus Day is a joke. If you haven't subjugated at least one Native American in the past five years, get off the gravy train and go to work.

For Father's Day, your children need to have been planned. No more getting presents from accidents.

For the Fourth of July, almost everybody gets to stay home. The exception: Rush Limbaugh listeners and other chickenhawks, who get a two-week tour of duty in Iraq. And if there's room on the plane, we cen send over a few devout Christians who supported the war and think there's an asterisk next to "Thou Shalt Not Kill".

Rumsfeld: Fallujah Civilians Were Warned

(article link)

In a Fallujah home (translated from Arabic):

[ring ring]

Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Hello?"
Rumsfeld: "Hello. Is there a Mr. or Ms. al-Alquaa in?"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Who is this?"
Rumsfeld: "This is Donald. Are you Ms. al-Alquaa?"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Yes."
Rumsfeld: "Hello ma'am. Please excuse my Arabic. I've been out of practice since the 80s."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "What do you want?"
Rumsfeld: "I'm just calling to warn you that the U.S.-lead coalition is going to invade the city tomorrow. Things could get kind of rough out there, so you may want to stay inside for the next few weeks."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "The whole time? How am I supposed to buy food? How is my husband supposed to go to work? What are my kids going to do?"
Rumsfeld: "I know it will be very trying, but you'll just have to bear through it and…and…excuse me." [Rumsfeld coughs several times and clears his throat]
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Are you alright?"
Rumsfeld: "I'm fine. My voice is just getting sore. I've been talking for a few days straight now."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Wait a minute. Are you calling every single one of the 250,000 residents in Fallujah?"
Rumsfeld: "Oh, no. Of course not. Gen. Tommy Franks is doing L-Z."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "…But most of our names start with 'al'."
Rumsfeld: "I know that now. Tommy can be very good at getting out of work when he wants to."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Well, I appreciate you going out of your way to warn us. I'll see if my family wants to stick it out or move in with our relatives."
Rumsfeld: "Where are your relatives?"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Tikrit."
Rumsfeld: "Do you have any relatives in other places?"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "I have a few cousins in Baghdad."
Rumsfeld: "Uh, yeah. The thing about Baghdad is--"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Okay. Najaf?"
Rumsfeld: "That wouldn't be a good idea."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Samarra?"
Rumsfeld: "Nope."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Kut?"
Rumsfeld: "Sorry."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Sadr City?"
Rumsfeld: "Are you kidding?"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Ramadi?"
Rumsfeld: "No…wait. What was that last one?"
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Ramadi?"
Rumsfeld: "Oh, god no. Especially not Ramadi."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "Hock ba-sarat! That's all the Iraqi relatives I have. My only other option is to sneak into Iran and have my family stay with my husband's half brother."
Rumsfeld: "Look, this is on the hush hush, but you do NOT want to move into Iran right now. Especially if you're still going to be there in January."
Sadhri al-Alquaa: "I guess we have no choice then. We'll stay here."
Rumsfeld: "Okay. But don't say I didn't warn you."

The Five Stages of Grief

As they relate to the election.

Denial
I can't fucking believe this.

Anger
What the fuck is wrong with people?

Bargaining
I promise to be happy that Bush won if he promises to stop being such a fuck-up.

Depression
We're so fucking screwed.

Acceptance
I'm moving to Canada.

***

I am struck by how many people seized on Elizabeth Kubler-Ross' "Five Stages of Grief" to deal with the aftershock of the election.

Kubler-Ross proposed the stages in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying" as a description of the process terminally ill patients go through in accepting their illnesses. The stages quickly metamorphized and entered pop culture as an outline of the way people handle grief in their own lives.

For me, the stages aren't distinct segments that I go through and move on, never to return. They're more like favorite restaurants I revisit repeatedly, some more than others because Denial and Anger run coupons in The Washington Post often and the maitre'd at Acceptance Lounge and Piano Bar hates me ever since the last time I visited.

What happened is that the restaurant was closing, and the maitre'd came over and said in a snide voice, "If you need to be reminded what types of payment the establishment accepts, I will be happy to refresh your memory." I got up from my table and responded: "That won't be necessary. I got something you can accept: a punch in the stomach."

The maitre'd wailed. "What are you doing?" I cocked my fist. "It's called a mandate...for kicking your ass." I punched him a few more times and then walked about the door.

So it will be a while until I can visit there again. But isn't America awesome?

Get Your Giggles On

Need a laugh? Get Your War On.

Why Voting Is Like Sex...IN 2084!!!

You have to wait in line to do it

You can only do it once every 4 years

It involves pressing lots of buttons on a screen

The actual process takes 15 seconds

There is absolutely no need for a Bush or a Dick

You get a sticker when you're finished

You will be told how everyone else did it later that night

Play Some Video Games

Or watch a movie. Or chat with a friend.

If you're feeling depressed, especially if you've been working to get Kerry elected, take a break and do something fun.

I might post occasionally in the next few days, but I'm taking a breather from the pure political posts.

I rented Fable, an XBox game. I'm going to the library tomorrow. Maybe I'll write some comedy to help me deal with my anger.

If you're looking for some laughs, I have one thing to say to you. What the hell are you doing at my web page?

Okay, two things. Read The Onion.

Kerry Concedes

The number of provisional ballots isn't enough to give him a victory. I'm glad he conceded now rather than later.

Is it possible for a person who doesn't mention God in every other sentence to win the Presidency? Our history says no. I think the tactic for secularists and progressive religious people is not to combat religion but to change the discussion on what it means to be a good religious person. Kerry went for this angle very late in the campaign, with comments like, "Words without deeds have no meaning."

I think combining liberal ideals with religion can be a very effective tactic. It's atrocious the way politicans who regularly profess their devotion to God construct policies that hurt the poor in the country and eschew changes like raising the minimum wage, which there is a lot of good evidence would help the country as a whole.

In fact, I think this is a large part of the reason why Barack Obama energizes so many people. He combines the two eloquently. His speech during the Democratic Convention still gives me chills: "I am my brother's keeper."

What better combination of religion and liberalism is there?

Keep Your Chin Up

Maybe it's too early to talk about what the next step is. But I've been buoyed by a lot of posts on Daily Kos, a mix of a political blog and an web site for liberal activists.

Not a lot of optimism there, but a feeling that while this was a huge loss, it's just one battle in a long war that needs to be fought by anyone who's commitment to their country goes beyond voting every 4 years.

It's too early for many, including me, to start asking, "What can I do to help?" It's time to reflect and let the shock settle down. But I hope all of you plant the idea in your mind of doing something in the next 4 years to help our country take a small step towards a better path.

Update: I share Kevin Drum's outlook.

Ohio

I should say that while John Kerry only has an outside chance to win Ohio, it is still a chance. oh, fuck. It comes down to the number of provisional and absentee ballots, and if there are any reasons why the ballots would strongly go towards Kerry (e.g. provisional ballots being given mainly to people challenged by Republican poll watchers).

Going against Kerry is a Republican Secretary of State, public sentiment against another drawn-out battle, and months of pre-election legal wrangling by Republicans specifically done for an occasional like this.

I think the best solution in terms of limiting damage to our democracy while upholding its principles has two parts.

One, an immediate counting of a random sample of the ballots so we can have an idea if a full count in necessary. Kerry should offer to accept the findings of the sample as a predictor of whether to carry on.

Two, an extra day to vote for anyone who wanted to do so but was turned away by the extremely long lines.

This is a real problem that some people in Ohio faced. It's great when people wait 4 hours in line to vote, but it shouldn't be a requirement. There are some people who wanted to vote but couldn't wait several hours to do so because of their job, family duties, and so on.

It comes down to the question: is relatively easy voting a right or a privilege? I consider it a right, and legal theory may too. One hour is a reasonable amount of time to wait, but we're not a Third World country. No one should have to miss a half day or work or leave their kids home for hours so he or she can vote. And as this would only affect a sliver of the population, it wouldn't require a great number of polling places to be open or volunteers to pull it off.

If we act quickly, we can have Ohio settled in less than two weeks and in a way that is at least better than the way we settled Florida 4 years ago. It's important that there are no doubts surrounding the legitimacy of any President, and letting people who turned away when waiting in line switched from inconvenience to burden is a pro-democracy move that both sides should favor.

It's easy to be against lawsuits. Would the President find as much support for denying the rights of people who wanted to vote?

At least...

...the Daily Show will be hilarious for the next four years.

...um, Bushisms, Vol. 3?

I'm out of ideas. Anyone?

After the 2000 election, I shrugged my shoulders and said, "Well, maybe he'll do a decent job."

Now I'm just depressed. I had a horrible night of sleep. Most people weren't enthusiastic about voting for Kerry as opposed to voting against Bush, but I was. In my heart, I truly believe he would have made a great President. His commitment to public service over his life is much greater than most politicians. He would have brought Republicans into his administration and likely have helped bridge the divide in this country.

I'll give Bush a second chance. Maybe "I'm a uniter, not a divider" the sequel will do better than the original. Maybe things in Iraq will turn around, the Republican Congress will make fiscally responsible decisions, and we will find diplomatic solutions to the growing problem of Iran and North Korea.

But it won't surprise anyone to know that I don't think hope is on the way.

The true test of Democrats and progressives is how we respond to this loss. Do we lash out at each other, scapegoat the campaign, our strategy, gay marriage, voters who stayed home, the public itself, and so on? Do all of the celebrities, bloggers, first and long-time activists give up and let them rule without being checked? Or after we lick or wounds do we learn from our mistakes, improve our strategy and coalition and return as a force in 2006 and 2008?

I hope it's the latter. I strongly suspect, like most second term administrations, this one will be rocked by scandal. And if our country is still on a wobbly path two years from now, with a Republican-controlled Congress and presidency, maybe voters will be more open to holding those in power accountable.

Exit Poll Failure

Here's what I don't get. With 87% of the precincts reporting, John Kerry is down 100,000 votes in Ohio (2%).

But the exit poll has Kerry leading 51-49 with men, and 53-47 with women. In other words, he should be in the lead. Why are the exit polls, in this state and others, so unreliable? It seems almost all of them overestimated Kerry's share of the vote.

Or, for the tin-foil theorists out there, maybe it's fixed Diebold voting machines. (Note: As far as I know, Ohio banned electronic voting in most of its counties).

...

What can I say? I'm utterly depressed. I know it's not over, but I don't see Kerry winning Ohio, and he needs it to win.

I've been reading a few web sites to see how I was so completely wrong about this election. I'm sure there are many reasons, but one of the main ones is that it appears the polls were assuming a young voter turn-out that just didn't happen.

In response to this, I have a request. Mr. Bush, please: Bring back the draft.

A few of the reasons I was so confident is that it seemed that this time there were a lot of disparate forces banding together to defeat Bush, from celebrities to GOTV organizations such as MoveOn and ACT. His apporval ratings have been around 50, typically a ceiling for incumbents. And I assumed the stories of high-turnout out would benefit Kerry and give him the bump to win.

After I get over my depression, I'm going to be interested to learn just what happened here. I mean, I was extremely optimistic on Kerry's chances. But I'm obviously wrong about several of my asumptions and didn't account for a few trends. One of them is likely overestimating high turnout helping Kerry. I have a hunch both sides turned out in force.

Another shocker: Kerry losing Virginia by 8%. Just dumbfounds me. Every poll in the past few months had him between 3-6%. There was high turn-out in democratic-heavy Northern Virginia. After the polls closed, the announcers held off giving Virginia to Bush for a while because it was too close to call.

So what happened? My first guess is that there was a huge difference between the exit polls which the "too close to call" comments were based on and the actual results. But why such a dramatic difference betwwen the exit polls and the results

I'll read about it later. Right now, I need to go into a cocoon.

Election Roundup

The four most important states in terms of EVs are Pennsylvania, Florida, Wisconsin, and Ohio. I'm posting my take here in hope I will look like a soothsayer tomorrow. I am also keeping my finger on the delete button. No mistake will be left behind.

• Pennsylvania: In the bag for Kerry.
• Florida: Forty five percent of America still thinks Bush did not legitimately win the election in 2000. And a lot of them are pissed off Democrats in Florida willing to wait five hours in the blistering heat just to cast their vote. Jeb Bush can't stop this one. Kerry takes it.
• Ohio: I will go on record and say I will be absolutely shocked if this isn't the closest state in the nation this year. 50/50. If Kerry wins, it will be because of an edge in the GOTV operation, but I wouldn't bet on it.
• Wisconsin: I haven't been following this one, but if Kerry splits Florida and Ohio, winning this will switch the race from one candidate (likely Kerry) winning by a razor-thin margin to a candidate having a sizable lead.

Armchair analysis is fun. Give it a try.

Onion Flashback

This is the article The Onion wrote about Bush's inauguration four years ago. At first I thought they rewrote it a few months ago. It's that prescient.

Irrational Exuberance?

I don't know why I feel so excited about tomorrow, but it's almost the identical feeling I had as a kid the night before Christmas. Yes, Santa may misread my request for a NES system and give me a plaid-laid Nerd Enterprise Sweater instead, but I'm feeling good nonetheless.

Like Leader, Like Follower

Even-handedness is a fine principle to live by and a critical part of thinking reasonably. If you hear of Republicans trying to suppress the vote in African-American communities, it behooves you to search for similar activities from Democrats before jumping to the conclusion that "Republicans are worse than Democrats".

But there is no cosmic law that says Democrats and Republicans take equal part in slimy political tricks, even though the media, either through cynicism or fear of complaints of "the liberal media" often tries too hard to give moral equivalency to the actions of both parties.

I am more hesitant than most to say that Republicans are dirtier than Democrats in Presidential campaigns because, on some level, it's what I want to believe. If anything, I think it is better to argue that certain political advisers and staff members engage in more dirty tricks than their counterparts.

But if you want a good, ol' fashion "We're better than they there" story, read about this experiment that ABC News did. They entered campaign rallies of both candidates wearing T-shirts that would be certain to rub the attendees' the wrong way.

And while the influence of a "they're both the same" viewpoint is evident in the headline and how they put the differences they found later in the story, they are still clear contrasts in how each campaign handles dissenters. One of the quotes:

And at Kerry's Boca Raton rally, one of the faithful Democrats could be seen calming a woman upset at the sight of the Bush-Cheney T-shirts.

"Feel proud that we let them in," he said. "That's what democracy is all about, that's what we're fighting for."

That is what we're fighting for, isn't it?

(link originally from TPM)

Voting Info

Election Protection Hotline:
1-866-MYVOTE1 to report problems
1-866-OUR-VOTE (1-866-687-8683) for immediate legal assistance

Where do I vote? (Has other info, including link to local election board web site)

Most places open at 7:00 a.m. I suggest getting to your polling as soon as possible. There are going to be a ton of people trying to vote after work. I don't know what it will be like in Maryland and Virginia, but people in Florida are waiting over 5 hours to vote (the accounts of people waiting so long are inspiring).

The Prince Remix: "Invade a Country Like It's 1999"

I know at this point, no one is going to read yet another article about something horrible Bush has done and say: "Okay, the first 314 were fine. But number 315 is the last straw. I'm voting for Kerry."

But it's important to me that people know the depth of how truly deceptive the Bush administration was in painting the war in Iraq as some sort of response to 9/11.

Judge the accuracy of this yourself, but Bush's former ghost writer says Bush was talking about invading Iraq in 1999. Or ask yourself, why was the administration have planning meetings about a war with Iraq only two months after 9/11?
(both links from TPM)

And 52% of Americans still thinks Iraq was providing substantial support to al Qaeda. I think the administration's way of planting false beliefs into the minds of a majority of the public is the great untold story of the past four years.

Absolutely Amazingly Insightfulrality Election Analysis

With all the daily polls, pundit chatter, ad campaigns and media converage, the main reason I think John Kerry will win is the same reason I thought six months ago: how many people do you think voted for Gore will vote for Bush?

And how many people who voted for Bush will vote for Kerry?

Even anecdotally, think of the dozens of newspapers that endorsed Bush in 2000 who are either endorsing Kerry or no one.

Gore won the popular vote. He lost Florida through a combination of voter disenfranchisement and human error (i.e. the poorly-design butterfly ballot).

And you think Kerry might lose?

How can he not win?

I know most Kerry supporters think Kerry will win, and most Bush supporters think Bush will win. Here's my prediction anyway: Kerry 50.5%, Bush 48.5. Kerry 287 Bush 251. Post your own prediction is you want.

Also, curses are stupid. Go Skins.