From a Redneck Athiest

I got a message for all you illegal evangelical Christians speaking in tongues. "Goobitty goobitty gobity goobitty."

This is America. You speak in tongues in English.

Don't Have Sex Until You Are Thirty

The preacher--sorry, government--government says so.

The first step towards separation between church and state is separation between religious yahoos and state.

Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

I'll probably get back to posting more often soon. In the meantime, visit the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

The Pancake City Guide to the Bible: Part 1 of ???

On a whim, I borrowed the King James version of the Bible from a library. I've been meaning to read it for years, both because of its lyrical language and the creative fuel I suspect it will provide.

I'm reading it non-lineraly and am only a few dozen pages into the book. So this may be the first and last entry related to the Bible. Or it could be one in a very long series. Who knows? Besides God. And Revelation 3:12 ("And there will be a blog called Pancake City, and it will be mildly amusing and infrequently updated...")

If that joke isn't sacrilegious, what is?

***
Leviticus, Chapters 1-5

Summary: You sin, you lose a goat.

Expanded: And don't even try that "I don't have a goat" crap. Don't have a goat, bring a ram, No ram, get a lamb. No lamb, two turtledoves. No turtledoves, two pigeons. No pigeons, then the tenth part of an ephah of fine flour. We could go on, but you get the picture. Don't try to pull one on us. We thought of everything. And if the animal is old or unhealthy, don't bother. This isn't the Monty Python Parrot sketch.

And that which is left of the meat offering shall be Aaron's and his sons, the priests, so we would appreciate it if you could bring your sacrifices before dinner.

Does God Exist? Part II

(continued from previous post)

My reasoning is that we can infer the possibility and nature of God's existence through observations of the world and how the universe works.

For instance, let's say that every time a truly destitute person plays and loses the lottery, a hot ham sandwich falls from the heavens, followed shortly thereafter by a beverage, cloth napkin, and utensils, pointy side up. This event is impossible to explain rationally, so we could only conclude that God exists and directly influences the world in small ways to mitigate people's suffering.

On the other hand, let's say every time a homeless person buys a lottery ticket, thick, dark clouds mask the sky and a big, booming laugh emanates from the walls. After many seconds, the laughter dies down and a deep voice bellows, "You think you're going to win the lottery? Oh, that's rich. Almost as rich as this hot bowl of tomato soup. Mmmm. Wish I could share some with you. Oh, wait. I can share some with you. I'm God. Ha ha ha ha ha ha."

Then, it would be obvious that, a, God exists, and b, he is a colossal jerk. As a corollary, religious fanatics working full-time to make life miserable for anyone who disagrees with them really would be doing God's work.

But these hypothetical situations have no place in reality. It is unreasonable to expect God to give direct proof of his existence. For one, if he does exist, he has better things to do.

Two, there has been no direct and credible evidence of God's existence, in spite of many people trying extremely hard to prove otherwise. Basing the verisimilitude of your entire belief system on a birthmark appearing on a goat's ass that kind of sort of looks like Jesus is just plain silly. What are these people trying to say, God exists, but he's a hillbilly?

GOD: "I'm so proud of you, son, I'm gonna be putting your image on a goat's be-hind."
JESUS: "I can't believe you’re my Dad."
GOD: "And I can't wait for your birthday. I gonna git you a present that's gonna be hee-lar-i-ous! You still like grilled cheese, right?"

Third, and most important, we can't expect God to actively reveal his presence is because God, by definition, is lazy.

What I mean is that laziness is a requirement of omnipotence. Can you imagine a Type A personality being God? Everything would have gotten done in the first five minutes of the Universe. God would have had to spend the next 20 billion years dusting.

No. If God does exist, the Bible got it right. He took off Sunday and slept in.

For the next two thousand years and counting.

God went on extended vacation and told his followers that he wouldn't be appearing in the sky for a while because, uh, look, just trust me. I'm here. If there is a heaven, it's filled with millions of souls, pressing divots into the cloud-shaped floor as they wander around aimlessly and wonder when the hell God is going to get back and refill the beer in the fridge.

With the necessity of a supernatural being to be shiftless and unmotivated in place, the task now becomes to examine the natural workings of our Universe and ask ourselves, "Did all this stuff happen at random, or did some dude, albeit a lazy dude, have something to do with it?"

It's a question that is impossible to answer definitely, but there is a lot of circumstantial evidence that points to yes.

1. Gravity. Here's the effect of gravity. You can dump a bunch of stars and planets in space, give them each a flick to get started, and never, ever has to worry about them again. Gravity is the pet goldfish of the omnipotent beings world.
   

2. Evolution. Same principle. Bucket of primordial ooze, lightning bolt. Check back every 500 million years. Perfect for the hands-off manager who likes to take naps under his desk.
   

3. Natural disasters. The problem with unguided evolution is that, while it requires a minimum of maintenance, it's kind of like a child raising himself in a Mega Mall. The ice-cream shop is next to the gun store, which is next to the book store, which is next to the magazine kiosk with all the porn, and so on. Yeah, you could watch over the kid to make sure he doesn't get too crazy, but if you wanted to do that you wouldn't have abandoned him in a Mega Mall in the first place.
   
   So the choice, throughout the history of the Universe, when faced with a potential fuck-up, has always been a long-term intervention program involving constant attention and nurturing guidance vs. Big Fucking Meteor. Check the fossil records. Guess which one always wins?
   
   Score another one for the OLB (Old Lazy Bastard).

I know none of this is conclusive, but it's good enough for me. I feel confident enough to believe that one, God exists, and two, he is really lazy, and his laziness explains a lot of why the Universe is the way it is.

Even if you don't agree with me, I suggest you at least hedge your bets. It's very simple to do. On your death bed, just make sure someone buries a six-pack with you.

Does God Exist? Part I.

While driving I often get lost in thought. The radio drifts in the background and my mind goes form mundane topics such as the necessity of procuring ketchup on my next trip to the grocery store to intellectual matters such as the origin of the words ketchup and catsup, and if class or the over-production of tomatoes played a role in the product coming into existence.

(After reading a few articles, the most interesting factoid I found is that ketchup was first introduced as a time-saving device. Supposedly, Heinz advertised the first commercial ketchup with the tagline: "Blessed relief for Mother and the other women in the household!")

Okay, I don't really spend most of my time thinking about weighty but irrelevant intellectual questions. I mostly think about food, sex, and the question, "Where is that smell coming from?"

But there are exceptions! Like yesterday, when I was trying to figure out whether God existed or not before the light turned green. My initial thoughts:

Evidence That God Exists

1. Whenever a sports announcer makes a sweeping statement complimenting a player or team's performance, such as "Hughes is on fire from the free throw line, six for six" or "Manning hasn't thrown an interception in the last 93 passes " the player will always, and immediately, without fail, screw up.
   
   
2. Jesus appears on grilled cheese sandwiches and dental X-Rays.
   
   
3. Some natural disasters point to the influence of a higher being. For example, take the giant meteor that contributed to the dinosaur's demise 65 million years ago. Somebody wanted a do over. How do you live on a planet for over 200 million years and not even develop Seinfeld?
   
   Jerry/Allosaurus: "You should go out with her."
   George/Stegosaurus: "I don't know. I like a girl with a few humps. Does she have a hump?"
   Jerry/Allosaurus: "Yes, she has a hump. Plenty of hump."
   George/Stegosaurus: "And what about a tail fin? I love tail fins. They're great for back rubs. They can always get that spot I can't reach with my own tail."
   Jerry/Allosaurus: "I'm sure she has a very lovely tail fin."
   
   Kramer/Tyrannosaurus rex comes running in and skids as he tries to stop.
   
   Kramer/Tyrannosaurus rex: "Jerry, you got the keys?"
   Jerry/Allosaurus: "Sure, Kramer. Catch." [tosses keys]
   Kramer/Tyrannosaurus rex: "Uh oh."

Evidence That God Does Not Exist

1. 11/1/04. The day before the election. Number of lightning bolts thrown at Bush: 0.
   
   
2. The dinosaurs. Hands-off is nice and all, but if God existed you would think the G-ster would have intervened sometime before Tyrannosaurus rex's hands shrunk to the point where he couldn't play tennis.
   
   
3. Life isn't fair. For many years I have accepted life's unfairness as an immutable fact. Railing against it made as much sense as complaining about the color of the sky or the number of toes on one's feet. (Everyone else has 11 too, right?)
   
   Then I realized how easy it would be for a truly omnipotent being to make life fair. Would it have killed God to hide a movie ticket every now and then in my thick tuffs of back hair? Or give people who top out at 4'11" magnetic hands so they can draw cans on the top shelftowards them? (Trivia: I'm not saying I know what inspired George Lucas to come up with The Force, but he is 4'9" with lifts).
   

It is this last line of thought that, on the drive home, I realized could answer the question of God's existence once and for all.

Part II coming on Tuesday.

Why Doesn't Jesus Ever Get Blamed for the Bad Stuff?

Jesus is like that guy at work who's friendly and pleasant to be around, but you don't really know what he does, and he keeps on getting promoted. When there's a screw-up, somehow he's never involved but he arrives a few minutes afterwards with a few pats on the back and consoling words. "There, there. We'll get another client."

Everyone brightens in his presence and forgets about their problems for a moment, and you do too, but there's this tingly feeling in the back of your head and makes you think, "Wait a minute. Wasn't Mertzsky Jesus's client?"

Or people say things like, "I have a potato. Thanks Jesus!" But no one ever stubs his or her toe and says, "Ouch! Damn it, Jesus, what the hell is your problem?"

There are plenty of bumper stickers printed with "Jesus Loves" or "Jesus Saves." What about, "Hey, Jesus. What's up with that Packers game last week?"

I'm all for being saved, but I want the whole package. That includes not leaving my house. It seems like all the people being saved by Jesus are the ones that have to do the leg work. Jesus, I'm so lazy that I'll go out in cold weather in a T-shirt and thin jacket so I don't have to remove as many layers when I get back inside. You want to save me, start by turning off my snooze alarm. The snooze button is like a rectangular Satan. Turn it into a duck or something. Then, after lunch, and a hot cocoa, we'll talk.

More Miracles

The 38-city Virgin Mary 2004 tour is nearing an end, but she's ending with a bang. After appearing on a potato, fence post, side of a llama, and a oak tree (a perennial stalwart), her latest appearance is one of her best ever: a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich.

The money quote (CNN, link from Trash Talkin' Rodeo): "Duyser, 52, said she took a bite after making it 10 years ago and saw a face staring back at her from the bread."

There have been times when, in a fit of laziness and hunger, I've eaten sandwich meat or bread whose freshness was borderline at best. The food, 1-2 weeks old, was hesitantly downed. I was worried about getting sick and argued the decision internally for several minutes, sometimes even consulting friends about the life expectancy of a tuna fish melt left on the counter overnight.

Unless the reporter's editor removed the following sentence: "After considering the decision for over a year while consulting nutritionists, health professionals, and the International Nuclear Agency, she decided it was safe to eat the sandwich" then we have a much bigger issue than another appearance of the visage of the Virgin Mary. This woman, Duyser, is either going to die an agonizing death or mutate into a super-human monster. If it's the latter, we need to clear her neighbors out of the area and bring in the bomb because fools and madmen take chances with decade-old Velveeta.

The sandwich, of course, was put on EBay, where the bidding reaches $22,000 before they removed the listing. EBay's justification for taking Mary down was that it doesn't allow listings intended to be jokes.

Oh, no. This isn't a joke. The woman completely believes there is an image of the Virgin Mary on the sandwich. She also believes there are pelicans in tutus twirling on her bed while squirrels fly out of Robert Goulet's mouth spelling mid-air the words to "My Love is a Sofa" or whatever song he sings. You see, Ebay isn't accounting for a critical detail in her story, namely SHE JUST ATE PART OF A TEN-YEAR OLD SANDWICH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S LESS LOONY THAN EATING A TEN-YEAR OLD SANDWICH? EATING AN ACTUAL TEN-YEAR OLD. ON THE CRAZINESS SCALE, TEN-YEAR OLD SANDWICH CRUSHES EATING A SIDE OF BILLY.

Screw bidding on the sandwich. We need to start a fundraiser for this woman. Mental health professionals, pills, detox--these services are expensive and I don't think her HMO has a religious food clause in their policy.

Update: Damn it. I spent half an hour writing this post and just realized I misread the article. She took a bite of the sandwich when she made it ten years ago, and then stored it. I suppose this says something of my opinion of certain religious people when my first reaction is to assume that she was storing the sandwich for a late-night snack. I should have gone with my first idea: I'll renounce my athiesm and join the Catholic church if the Virgin Mary will appear on the cover of a gay bondage video.

Update 2: The cheese is back! (Thanks Evan). Although you would think with a $99,999,999.00 top bid, she would throw in the shipping for free.

When in trouble, go to the well

The Republican National Committee, best known for their hit single "I Hide My Love From You in My Bunker," is sending out a mailing to Arkansas and West Virginia stating that, if elected, John Kerry will ban the Bible and allow gay marriage.

This type of political rhetoric is shameful. It infuriates me that the official face of the Republican party would stoop to sending out such a bigoted message. To even imply that the Bible would be banned and gay marriage would sweep the nation if Kerry is elected is absolutely ridiculous. At the last gay agenda meeting, we specifically agreed on rewriting the Bible to require its adherents to have gay sex every other Sunday. How can we do that if we ban the Bible?

As Fred Smoot, chairman of the 193^rd district, said in the sewer cavern where we meet: "These people will do anything the Bible tells them too. All we need is to infiltrate a few major printing houses and we got it made."

Religious conservatives bleat about the "gay agenda" and how legally-recognizing a loving relationship will cause the Earth to split open and for Satan to rise up and make us do evil things, like eat candy corn and wake up without hitting the snooze alarm.

But the truth about what we want is much more harder to argue against. Gay people, as the more enlightened of you know, merely want to eat your children and then use their bones to club your unborn babies.

But where is the photo of the zombie gay man feasting on the flesh of the living? Where is the photo of the Kerry campaign worker holding an expectant mother in a head lock while another campaign worker slams a crowbar in her stomach?

I'll tell you where: in mailings to Georgia and South Carolina, not Arkansas and West Virginia, where they belong. Ed Gillespie, chairman of the RNC, should be ashamed of himself for making these types of politics part of the official message of the Republican party.

(if the image is down, here's the gist of the mailer)

BIBLE: BANNED!
HAND HOLDING: ALLOWED!

GLORY & THANKS BE TO GOD!

"He Has Restrained Al Gore & His Minions"

I found this archive page on the 2000 election while looking for an election day countdown site. "Only five days left to pray!"

The rest of the site, focused on the current election, is even better. Perhaps you're interested in investigative reporting. In that case, I suggest you check out, "Will Demons Decide the American Election?" Or maybe you are wondering, "Sure, I know the anti-Christ coup is inspired by demons, but are they coordinating it too?" Only one way to find out! And that's to read "Biblical Commentary on Current Issues". Don't be lazy and pass clicking on this link. Sodomite anarchy isn't going to destroy itself!

Why You Shouldn't Play Dungeons and Dragons

We'll all witnessed this scene one too many times.

(Thank Jesus this isn't ironic.)

Please Pardon My Language

Jesus fucking Christ.

Dude, This Is Funny

This image is courtesy of a Photoshop contest that was on FARK.com.

Massachusetts court rules ban on gay marriage unconstitutional

In its ruling, the Massachusetts court said the state "failed to identify any constitutionally adequate reason for denying civil marriage to same-sex couples."

Attention all evangelical preachers: you cannot stop the gay cabal. First, we're going to gain the right to marry one another. Then, we're going to marry multiple partners--

Oh, you already did that? Well, um...I know! Ooh, this is good. We're going to have babies. Lots of babies. Surrogate mothers, artificial insemination--any way we can. Then, with each cute, innocent male baby, we're going to grab the baby's penis and chop off--

What? God damn it. Okay, this one will make your skin crawl. We'll say all these platitudes about wanting to honor each other and having our relationships legally recognized. But the minute gay people get the right to marry, one out of four of us--nay, one out of two--are going to get divorced, dealing a crushing blow to the shaky institution of--

Jesus H. Christ. What do we have to do, marry dogs?

Creationist Science Projects

The line between parody and reality has been blurred. From one of the funniest web pages ever:

Elementary School Level
1st Place: "My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)"
"Cassidy Turnbull (grade 5) presented her uncle, Steve. She also showed photographs of monkeys and invited fairgoers to note the differences between her uncle and the monkeys. She tried to feed her uncle bananas, but he declined to eat them. Cassidy has conclusively shown that her uncle is no monkey."

Middle School Level
1st Place: "Life Doesn't Come From Non-Life"
"Patricia Lewis (grade 8) did an experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non-living ingredients of life - carbon (a charcoal briquet), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) - into a sealed glass jar. The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks. (Patricia also prayed to God not to do anything miraculous during the course of the experiment, so as not to disqualify the findings.) No life evolved. This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes."

2nd Place: "Women Were Designed For Homemaking"

High School Level
Honorable Mention:
"Thermodynamics Of Hell Fire" - Tom Williamson (grade 12)

Every page on this site has a gem. I'll post a few highlights in the next day or so. You might want to check out the site before reading the rest of my comments.

***

This site got me thinking about the difference between reality and satire. The two can be easily blurred. "Governor's wife calls for popping a cap in Britney Spears at gun control rally"--this could have easily been from The Onion. And many articles from The Onion have been mistaken for real news by some people before.

In response to this, most satire makes the fact that it is satire obvious in some way, so people can get the joke. The site is a different kind of satire, one that takes great pains to hide the fact that it is satirical. And it has a different motive than typical satire. Instead of poking fun at something, it tries to trick people into believing that it's true (and, I think, poke fun at the people who don't get it.) I'm not even sure if it qualifies as satire. It's closer to a practical joke than anything else. A very successful joke that, while I'm not sure it was the site's intent, makes more fun of people ready to rush to judgment rather than the creationists themselves.

Dear Religious Friends

You may want to skip this post...

Inspirational Sayings

* Jesus didn't nail one arm to the cross. He finished the job, and then he came back for more.

* You can give Vishnu a high-five, and then one behind the back, but if you stop there the job is only half done.

* Don't be a Rabbi to new opportunities. Be a RabHello.

I Can't Resist

A suspected serial killer of women in Louisiana was caught today.

Said one of his neighbors who was shocked to find out he was arrested: "He didn't talk about violence," said resident Brenda Jones. "He talked about the Bible a lot. Let me tell you, he knew the Bible."

Signs Your Neighbor Is A Serial Killer
by Brenda Jones
1. Talks about violence. "You know what I'd like to do now? Kill someone." --> SERIAL KILLER!
2. Doesn't talk about the Bible.
EVIL:"Hey, what's up?"
GOOD: "Hey, what's up? Oh wait, I know. It's God."
3. That is it.

D.C. Weather

I figured it out. There is a God. And he decides the temperature with a dart board. How else can you explain that the temperature is going to drop 35 degrees in a day?

GOD: Today… [thump] 84. Tomorrow… [thump] 88. Yeah! God’s on a roll. Thursday…
JESUS: Hey God!
GOD: Woah! [clang] 52? Jesus!
JESUS: Hey. I just wanted to-a tell you that dee pepperoni pie is a ready.
GOD: Stop making fun of the Italians Jesus.
JESUS: Sorry sir.