Okay...

That guy still hasn't taken down the pants song. I'm taking applications for guest mp3s. Application is too formal of a word--record yourself, email it to me, and if it meets my high standards (i.e. no fart jokes) I'll put it up. Maybe if enough people do this, I'll put out a CD.

I Did It

I used the word booger in a cover letter.

And I'm proud of it.

That's what the big boys call job hunting, biatches.

The Political System At Its Finest

www.johnkerryisadouchebagbutimvotingforhimanyway.com

Why You Shouldn't Play Dungeons and Dragons

We'll all witnessed this scene one too many times.

(Thank Jesus this isn't ironic.)

Equations

life - hope = despair
despair - hope = super bad-ass despair
despair + hope = false hope, a.k.a. "The Shakespeare Sucka Punch"
despair / 2 = apathy
despair / 4 = longing
life + (hope/8) = Powerball ticket
life + (despair/8) = Powerball ticket
life * hope = amphetamines
life + (hope * hope) + despair = Little Orphan Annie
life / 2 = real life
life ≠ The Real World

Hee Hee Hee

Some jackass directly linked to an mp3 on my server and set his web page up to play the file every time someone visits his page. As you can guess, this is a slight drain on my bandwidth. So I replaced the file with another one. You can hear it on his web page, or, if he has taken it down already, here.

A Tool for the Ages

I discovered a way to rate the obnoxiousness of a person. This epiphany was accidental. I find few people obnoxious, and I have never thought, "Sure, this guy is annoying, but how annoying?"

Yet I made the discovery while watching Charlie Rose interview Quentin Tarantino. I hate Quentin Tarantino, the person. Quentin Tarantino, the writer/director, is very skilled and has an interesting way of looking at the world. Quentin Tarantino, the person, is a pig-faced, megalomaniac who must have been a Benedict monk as a child because he can't shut up now. I watched a bit of the interview, rolled my eyes a few times, and grabbed the remote. Right before I was going to change the channel, I thought, "Wow, he's pretty interesting."

At this moment, this exact moment, my wine glass was ¼ full. The principle that I knew intuitively from parties took concrete root in my life. One can listen to Quentin Tarantino without punching the TV after ¾ of a glass of wine.

I was shocked that it only took ¾ of a glass, but the evidence was irrefutable. I watched the rest of the interview, 45 minutes, although I had to drink wine during the interview to keep my alcohol level constant, 1 and ¼ glasses, for a total of 2 glasses. Taking these results together, I composed an ODI (Obnoxious Drunkenness Index) for Tarantino:

Alcohol needed for initial de-obnoxiousification: ¾ of a glass of wine
Alcohol needed for continued de-obnoxiousification: 5/36 of a glass of wine per 5 minutes

Obviously, the measurements in this scale are relative, based on body weight, tolerance of alcohol, and hatred for humanity. But it could be an invaluable took for wish to describe their annoyance for a person more accurately:

"I hate Tarantino. His ODI is four beers, and that's when I'm in a good mood."
"I kind of like Tarantino. A shot of Jager and he's fine by me."
"Ohhhhh…I drank half a bottle of Tequila and then watched the entire State of the Union address. Why do I do this to myself?"

Short Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen

Hell Boy Is It Good

The Punisher: Must See Movie!...For Guantamano Bay Prisoners

Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Remember "Scooby Doo 1" where a poorly animated dog and a group of plastic characters plodded through a wooden script that bored kids and sucked the marrow out of whatever pleasant memories adults may have had about the characters? Oh, you don't? Then see this movie!

The Alamo: Ala-so-so

The Whole Ten Yards: The One Yard of Crap Really Makes a Difference When You Add It To Nine Yards of Shit

The Prince & Me: Pretty Woman Training Bra

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
'The Man' Sucks; Kaufman Rocks

Best Comment Ever

I risk jail time to show this to you, but it is worth it. I just saw this exchange of comments about a post I wrote last week about Bush's press conference. I don't know who wrote the second and fourth comments, but thank you for being the oil on the comedy wheel.

And Mr. Fitzgerald, my Republican friend who threatened to sue me over the horrid crime committed against him, you're going to love this. Ready? Here it is:

Bring. It. On.

(In Mr. Fitzgerald's defense, I will say this: he has impeccable grammar.)

It's another edition of...

Washington Post Headlines!

War May Require More Money Soon
War is like a college kid.

Iraq's Olympic Leader Faces Herculean Tasks
Slaying hydra, holding world up just preliminaries

Fed Head's Upbeat Report Stirs Fears
Disembodied head makes investors uneasy

MCI Must Keep Hold on Customers
Potential roadblock: "Must Keep Customers on Hold" policy.

AOL Chief to Focus on Growth
Contrast from previous chief, James "I'm Taking This Company Down With Me" Penzon.

New Darth Vader Costume on DVD
Costume shrunk, shaped into doughnut.

Can't you picture this scene in a skit?

The last paragraph in this excerpt from Bob Woodward's new book is hilarious.

On Jan. 10, a Wednesday morning 10 days before the inauguration, Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, national security adviser Condoleezza Rice and Powell went to the Pentagon to meet with Cohen. Afterward, Bush and his team went downstairs to the Tank, the secure domain and meeting room for the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Two generals briefed them on the state of the no-fly zone enforcement. No-fly zone enforcement was dangerous and expensive. Multimillion-dollar jets were put at risk bombing 57mm antiaircraft guns. Hussein had warehouses of them. As a matter of policy, was the Bush administration going to keep poking Hussein in the chest? Was there a national strategy behind this, or was it just a static tit for tat?

Lots of acronyms and program names were thrown around -- most of them familiar to Cheney, Rumsfeld and Powell, who had spent 35 years in the Army and been chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff from 1989 to 1993. President-elect Bush asked some practical questions about how things worked, but he did not offer or hint at his desires.

The Joint Chiefs' staff had placed a peppermint at each place. Bush unwrapped his and popped it into his mouth. Later he eyed Cohen's mint and flashed a pantomime query, Do you want that? Cohen signaled no, so Bush reached over and took it. Near the end of the hour-and-a-quarter briefing, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Army Gen. Henry H. Shelton, noticed Bush eyeing his mint, so he passed it over.

Must...resist...easy...joke

"McDonald's Corp. Chairman and Chief Executive Jim Cantalupo died of an apparent heart attack on Monday in Florida...." (article from Yahoo)

Okay, we get it. Smoking is bad for you.

Smokers Risk Frostbite, Study Finds

Bangers for Breakfast

Rob, of Sheffield, South Yorks, told The Sun: "I was reading it on a break and suddenly I saw the word 't**t'.
Imagine the embarrassment of a mum whose six-year-old son is asking her what a 't**t' is?"


Adidas put an advert in a British newspaper to promote the London Marathon. The ad is made up of thousands of thoughts in small type from runners. Rob of Sheffield, South Yorks, is understandably furious that some of these thoughts have naughty bits in them.

Actually, he's not understandably furious. What the hell is a "t**t"? A toot? A teet? A tart? I know what a tart is. It's a delicious, cream-filled pastry. Why is this embarrassing to explain to a six-year-old son? Is Mum on the Atkins diet?

If I had a six-year-old that could read pages of 8-pt. type and then ask, "Daddy, what's a b***h?" I wouldn't get mad. I'd give him an ice-cream. That kid is smart. And it would help him understand the reruns of The Chappelle Show that we would watch together.

I suppose if Adidas ran an ad promoting the Boston Marathon, the language barrier would still rear its head. "What are these bloody Americans getting so antsy about? I use a f**k for me pudding!"

Bad situation, good quote

Scott Kirwin, a computer consultant in Wilmington, Del., was a contract worker for J.P. Morgan Chase for about three years when he was told he was being let go. He says the contract was ended so that Indian workers could replace him. He was asked to train the replacements, he says, in order to keep getting a paycheck.

"You feel like you're the guy wearing the red shirt on Star Trek," Scott Kirwin, a computer consultant in Wilmington, Del., was a contract worker for J.P. Morgan Chase for about three years when he was told he was being let go. He says the contract was ended so that Indian workers could replace him. He was asked to train the replacements, he says, in order to keep getting a paycheck.

"You feel like you're the guy wearing the red shirt on Star Trek," says Kirwin, referring to characters who often died on the TV show. (from USA Today)

From America's leading news magazine

"Bush, Kerry make Time's 'most influential' list" (Yahoo headline)

Way to go out on a limb there, Time.

Are you alright? It looks like you're temporary flawed.

"There were some mutterings," Rowe said. But Ford stood by that spot, he said, because "it was not intended that the pigeon died. It was stunned. It was temporarily flawed." (link)

Five Things I Learned Today

1. One Lender's onion bagel for breakfast is delicious. Two is absolutely disgusting.

2. To make a new line within a cell in Microsoft Excel, press Alt-Enter.

3. A person can get used to a lot of things, like a faucet that gives cold water when turned left, hot water when turned right. Or, in this case, wrong.

4. An inkling of the health measures the porn industry takes to prevent disease from unprotected sex (although I still don't understand why the average life span of a porn actor isn't 27.)

5. I didn't learn five things today.

Oh, I'm supposed to remove the baby first

The phrase "Don't throw out the baby with the bath water" comes from the practice of baptisms. In an earlier time, Baptists placed much more importance on when babies were baptized rather than how. It was important to baptize them immediately after birth before the world could "stain" them.

The mother would give birth, the doctor or midwife would cut off the umbilical board, and the father would rush the baby to the bath, typically a small, metal tub barely larger than the baby. The baby gets dunked, dried off (I presume) and returned to Mama.

A few weeks afterwards, the baby would be formally baptized at a church, but this was just for ceremony. It's kind of like getting married in a courthouse and having the wedding later.

This bizarre relay race from belly to bucket took less than 30 seconds. Now, I'm sure not even the most scatter-brained person would forget to remove the baby when he threw out the bath water. But the process was so rushed and stressful, it gave birth to the phrase.

I think the way most people use the saying is different from its original meaning. I used to assume that when someone said, "Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater," the person meant "Don't discount the entire argument because there is a part of it that you don't like." But its original meaning is, essentially, "Don't panic."

Here's some more background about the old practice. Obviously, a priest couldn't be there to bless the water for every birth. Besides the practical issues of the number of priests versus the number of babies, and not knowing the exact day that the woman would give birth, only a few people could afford to have a priest. The priests didn't sell their services, per say. The church wasn't crass. But if you wanted your baby to have the super deluxe car wash instead of the regular, the family would have to ask the priest move in a few weeks early, typically right after the 8th month, in case of an early birth.

While the priest was staying with the family, the custom was for the priest to be treated royally. He would get the best bed, the warmest blankest, the finest foods, and so on. This is the guy in charge for their child's entire life (and afterlife). And if you lived in some dingy stick stack, you wouldn't even think of asking a priest to stay with you. It would be like asking Oprah Winfrey to stay in a college dorm room.

Few people could afford the status of a personal priest. But getting a baby baptized was more important than a tetanus shot, especially since they didn't have tetanus shots back then. The workaround was for a priest to stop by the expectant parents' home and "pre-bless" the water. It wasn't great, but it was good enough.

Pre-blessing water caused its own problem. In hindsight, sticking a newborn baby with a weak immune system into stagnant water swarming with bacteria after three weeks wasn't the best thing to do. In fact, sticking a baby into anything right after she is born isn't a good thing to do. These are the two reasons why, around the time when people discovered the novel concept of germs, Baptists switched in flocks from the when to the how, a formal ceremony several days after the baby is born.

***
There's something wrong with this essay. Can you figure out what it is?
Okay, I made it all up. It started off as a two-second joke for something else I'm writing and morphed into this. I didn't know the etymology of the phrase when I wrote this, but the story seemed so familiar that I half-convinced myself I learned the phrase's history years ago and was remembering it without knowing I was doing so.

Unfortunately, I'm nowhere close. Here's the real etymology (from scopes.com).

Although the admonition against throwing the baby out with the bathwater dates back to the 16th century, its roots are Germanic, not English. Its first written occurrence was in Thomas Murner's 1512 versified satirical book Narrenbeschwörung, and its meaning is purely metaphorical. (In simpler terms, no babies, no bathwater, just a memorable mental image meant to drive home a bit of advice against overreaction.)


Reality is so boring.

Bush's Press Conference

The transcript of his first question. Slightly edited.

QUESTION: Thank you, Mr. President.

Mr. President, April is turning into the deadliest month in Iraq since the fall of Baghdad, and some people are comparing Iraq to Vietnam and talking about a quagmire. Polls show that support for your policy is declining and that fewer than half Americans now support it.

What does that say to you? And how do you answer the Vietnam comparison?

BUSH: I think the analogy is false. I also happen to think that analogy sends the wrong message to our troops and sends the wrong message to the enemy. What are these messages? The message to our troops is that we don't support you. The message to the enemy is that we're going to firebomb your villages for the next five years. Okay, at this point, maybe that's the right message. But it's still the wrong message for the troops. Our troops aren't fighting in a rerun.

Look, this is hard work. It's hard to advance freedom in a country that has been strangled by tyranny. A country choked by repression. A country brutalized by a vicious madman, by a--to quote Gollum from The Lord of the Rings--muuurdererrrr. [Bush hisses for effect] [applause] And yet we must stay the course because the end result is in our nation's interest.
A secure and free Iraq is an historic opportunity to change the world and make America more secure. A free Iraq in the midst of the Middle East will have incredible change. It will be a beacon of hope for its neighbors and the region.

It's hard. Freedom is not easy to achieve. I mean we had a little trouble in our own country achieving freedom. Take The Patriot Act for instance--please! I'm all for fighting terrorists, but now you can't scratch your balls without John Ashcroft inserting a probe in your ass.

That's just an example. I do not actually scratch my balls. I'm the President. I have a stick.

We've been in Iraq for a year. I know that seems like a long time. It seems like a long time to the loved ones whose troops have been overseas. Especially with the time difference. But when you think about where the country has come from, it's a relatively short period of time.

And we're making progress. There's no question it's been a tough, tough series of weeks for the American people. It's been really tough for the families. Straight families. I understand that. It's been tough on this administration. But we're doing the right thing. And we're straight.

And as to whether or not I made decisions based upon polls, I don't. I just don't make decisions that way. If I did, I would have dropped my proposal to build a base on the moon. I just don't do that. I fully understand the consequences of what we're doing. We're changing the world, and the world will be better off and history will judge us favorably and we will repair our relations with the world and terrorists will cower and America will be more secure as a result of the actions we're taking.

QUESTION: Thank you, Mr. President. What's your best--

BUSH: Wait a minute. I have to answer another one?

In the News Today

However, the city's Catholic Archbishop Barry Hickey ordered her to remove it [Virgin Mary statue] from the church after an analysis of the "tears" found they were a mixture of vegetable oil and rose oil.

"It is therefore my rightful duty as Archbishop of Perth, for the correct guidance of the people of God, to say that the case for a miraculous happening has not been proved," he said.

That ruling did not stop thousands of people flocking to see the statue, which is now on display four days a week at Powell's home, renamed the Holy Family House of Prayer, where she has built a shrine for the weeping figurine.

Remember when people used to expect more from their miracles, like canola oil, or a bit of salt for realism?

* * *

The company, based in Burlington, Massachusetts, declined to provide further details on how the PackBot was destroyed in Iraq.

"The U.S. military is ... concerned that if they release too many details, insurgents will be able to take action (against the robots)," said Osa Fitch, program executive at iRobot's Government and Industrial Robotics division.

Protect the robots? Has Osa Fitch never seen a science fiction movie? This is how the Terminator series started. Why doesn't the company skip a few steps and rename it "PackTheHumansBot"?

* * *

The mail facility at Reagan National Airport shut down for 90 minutes last month after a grainy, green powder spilled from a package from Ethiopia, raising fears of a biological hazard. It turned out to be ground-up dried peas.

Dear Shecky,

Just replace the last sentence with "It turned out to be my mother-in-law's cooking!" Hi-O!

The Playmobil Web Site Has Had It Easy For Too Long

The annotated Playmobil Western Bandit.

I Need To Start Going To Church More Often

Actors Whip Easter Bunny at Church Show

Melissa Salzmann, who brought her 4-year-old son J.T., said the program was inappropriate for young children. "He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped," Salzmann said.

Because, J.T., that's what happens to people who don't eat their eggs. So perhaps you don't want to scream at Mommy tomorrow during breakfast.

That Chicken Just Took a Poop

Let's go to Burger King!
(details at Boing Boing).

A Tale for the Times

Many years ago, Lynne Cheney wrote "Sisters," a novel of "a strong and beautiful woman who broke all the rules of the American frontier."

I didn't know the American frontier had rules. I thought not having rules was the whole point of the frontier. Who wants to travel 500 miles west and have to deal with a homeowner's association? But that's besides the point.

The book has received attention recently because it has some naughty bits, at least for a prim conservative in the public spot light. Naughty bits such as lesbian relationships, feminism ideals, and an overbearing, misogynistic man who can only express his sexuality in the crudest forms, such as demanding people call him by the name of his wiener. (Okay, I'm making the last one up.) The publisher was going to re-release the book but canceled plans a few weeks ago at the request of Ms. Cheney.

Some of the reviews of it on Amazon.com are quite funny.

If only I were a graphic designer...

I'd put this on a box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes:

"Bush Flakes: Elect Him Again for the First Time."

Microscopic No More

One of the effects of HDTV is that it points out flaws that were hidden by the low resolution of the older format. Set designers for sitcoms are starting to make more intricate props because what looked like a real mahogany table now looks like spray-painted pine.

HDTV (may) also bring out blemishes and minor cosmetic flaws that actors used to be able to cover up with makeup and clever lighting. This is significant because the standard of beauty for television actors is near perfection, a standard that most people can't help comparing themselves to and thus drives the fashion, makeup, and cosmetic surgery industries. When HDTV becomes more commonplace, one of things will happen. One, actors will meet this new standard through better makeup, more plastic surgery, etc. Or two, actors will find that makeup can't cover everything and plastic surgery is either not worth it or impractical for everyone to get.

I personally think the first option is much more likely than the second. But whichever way it goes, something will change. Either people will be more obsessed about beauty and less tolerant of their imperfections, or the standard of beauty will lessen and people will think it is more acceptable to have small flaws.

I Can't Pass Up a Good Super Mario Link

Mario, meet Mr. Electric Guitar. (from BoingBoing).

Way #3: Release Evidence That Shows, Back in His Drinking Days, He Saw a Tax Cut That He Didn't Like

The new issue of The Economist has a humorous cover titled, "Better Ways To Beat Bush" that also makes a good point. The traditional meat and potatoes issue of presidential elections is the economy. Of course, there are many other issues that play a role, but they rarely eclipse the economy in performance.

So with the economy sputtering, the obvious thing to do is to bash President Bush as much as possible, right? Wrong, at least in my opinion, which, as you know, is valued quite highly in the newsgroup alt.politics.election.strategy.stratego.monopoly.battleship.um.where.do. I.go.with.this.joke. ... .monkey.poop.cha-ching.

Focusing mostly on Bush's record on the economy is a risky bet. If the economy is sluggish, it's good for Kerry. But if the economy is strong, like Russian vodka, or gives the appearance of improving, like my ability to eat doughnuts, then all the time and money the Kerry campaign put in focusing on the economy is wasted. Will people care if the net job loss over 4 years is 1,000,000 jobs if the economy gained 1,000,000 of them in the last six months? I sense that the "Bush has lost 3,000,000 2,500,000 2,000,000 jobs line is already tired. It has been used so much it's like a liberal mantra.

But, as The Economist's cover points out, there's no need for Kerry to put most of his resources towards focusing on the economy. Bush has a host of flaws that will still be flaws six months from now, such as the record budget deficit and a term-length trend of misleading people on everything from WMDs to the estimated cost of the new Medicare bill. Some of these issues are strong enough to gain traction with the public if they are pounded by the message long and early.

Perhaps no one issue is as important to most voters as the economy, but I think attacking Bush on two or three of his weaknesses can cumulatively have the same effect and is a more stable strategy.

If you disagree, you can complain at my newsgroup.

Find the Answer

I want to start a series of "Where's Waldo?"-type books for adults called "Find the Answer." Inside it would be pop-ups of reporters and the White House press secretary, Scott McClellan. From last Wednesday's press conference:

Q Can I stay on that subject -- we need to stay on that subject, briefly. Could you explain to us why the White House requested that the President and Vice President jointly answer questions, as opposed to separately?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, one, we've said from the very beginning that it's important for the 9/11 Commission to have all the information they need to do their job. And we've worked very closely and cooperatively with the 9/11 Commission to make sure they have all that information. We have provided, as the Chairman and Vice Chairman have pointed out, unprecedented access to information from the administration to the 9/11 Commission, including our most sensitive national security documents. And that's the spirit in which we have worked.

Now, keep in mind that the 9/11 Commission already has more than 2.3 million pages of documents, there have been more than a hundred briefings, and that includes at the head-of-agency level, there have been more than 800 interviews and meetings with administration officials, some 900 audio cassette tapes of meetings and other materials that have been provided to them, and more than 60 compact discs of radar, flight and other information. So they already have a lot of information. And we want to work in a way that helps make sure that they have the information they need.

The commission very much welcomed the decision of the President and the Vice President to sit down together and meet with the entire commission and answer whatever questions they want to raise with the President and Vice President. This is a good way to make sure that they're getting the information that they need to do their job.

Q Why the specific insistence that they be together? I mean, they could --

MR. McCLELLAN: This is a good way to help them get the information they need and do so in a timely manner. Remember, they've already got a lot of the information, they've already conducted a lot of the interviews. And what they're trying to --

Q But they were separate interviews, right?

MR. McCLELLAN: What they're trying to do is get the information they need to complete their work and provide a full report to the American people. And we are helping every step of the way. And this is a way that will help them move forward in those efforts.

Q But why is the joint session better than separate sessions, which is what they --

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, one, it will help make sure they get that information in a timely manner. They can talk to both of them and help better understand how to piece together all the information that they've already received.

Homestar Runner

Brilliant as usual.

Only on April Fool's Day

Britain: Chicken-Equipped Nuke Not a Hoax

The Guatemalan Handshake

A friend of mine who makes some "warped-in-a-good-way" films is raising money for his new film, The Guatemalan Handshake. I know nothing about the film except that it probably involves robots, or breakdancing, because most of his films involve robots or breakdancing. But these aren't Hollywood gimmicks. Hollywood would make a film about a breakdancing robot with a talking dog and a man with a handlebar mustache who wants $500,000 or he's going to destroy half of North America.

He's holding a fundraiser at Visions for his new film. It is better than most fundraisers because you get to see a lot of short movies for the ticket price, $10. Also, if you tell him you know me, he will give you a cube of cheese on a toothpick.

The fundraiser--or, as some call it, Robot Monkey Dance Party USA 1984, is next Tuesday the 6th.