Historical Figures Updated for the 21st Century

Abe Link'in: This web site avatar will connect the myriad places on the web with his steadfast leadership and eloquent RSS summaries, before being shot down by a pop-up ad for Viagra.

George Washington Truth Serum: "I cannot tell a lie"...and neither will those stinking terrorists be able to either when they're injected with 500mg of G. W. Truth Serum. Claim you're a legal citizen just trying to run a struggling ethnic restaurant? We'll see what you have to say after having a talk with our founding father. Warning: may cause irreparable nerve and brain damage.

FDR: Franklin Delanor Roosevelt has a "New Deal" for you: insanely low prices on the 2008 Mazda Miatas and hundreds of other of the latest models. You won't be able to get up either once you sit in the new 2008 Toyota Prius. What? The already use Presidents to to sell cars? Jeez. What fucking assholes.

License Plate

One of the lesser-known facts about Virginia is that it has more drivers with vanity license plates than any state in the U.S. Nearly one in five people have one. That's LUNASEE (for Pagans). Or CRZ4CRS. Or...you get the point.

A few days ago, I was at a stop light when I had an weird, almost overpowering urge to buy a gun. The mystery was solved when I looked at the license plate on the pickup truck ahead of me. "BUY GUN".

Hmm, you make a good point, six-letter license plate. You make a GD PNT. But when should I buy one? Hey, look, a SUV!

"BUY NOW"

Well, hold on a moment. Volvo has something to say.

"GUN KILL"

Is that a criticism or an advertisement? Why did I want a gun in the first place? Red pickup truck...

"I FRGOT"

("BUY GUN" + "I FRGOT" are real license plates. I don't know about the rest).

Weirdess Spam Ever

Addressed to "monkeypee@gmail.com" which is kind of close to my real email address but not really (monkey.on.keyboard).

I was too slippery for them to catch me now.
on the surface of the ocean. His wings were ragged bars of lead, but the
the sidewalk on our left there was black bramble growing, and you could tell
You'd have a falcon's short wings!

Kind of nice, actually.

You Know, I Do Work During the Day

Okay, part of the day. But if you think I'm going to wake up before 10:00 A.M. just to write a blog entry, you're crazier than my employer who expects me to be at work by 10:00 A.M. And my employer is the Federation Moon Patrol, president: Capt. Crazy Pants. EASTERN STANDARD TIME DOESN'T EXIST IN SPACE! AND STOP PUTTING YOUR MOON PANTS ON YOUR HEAD.

I got a postcard today for "The Largest and Most Exciting Stamp Show in the World." Raise the roof, United States Postal Service. On the postcard are pictures of two stamps: "Tallest Geyser" with a gushing geyser, and "Most Active Volcano". an exploding volcano. Okay, okay, we get it! Why don't you add an image of a train going through a tunnel while you're at it? Pervs.

Show highlights on the back:

* See the world's most valuable stamps and watch as 80 new postage stamps are issued! You could have had me at 20 new postage stamps. But thanks for the gravy.

* Meet Ranger Rick, Postman Pat. Mr. ZIP, and other SURPRISE guests. (Who? Who? Who? Let me guess: Lenny Letter and Alan Thicke.)

This is the first mail I've gotten from the postal service in months. Which is weird, because it's free for them. Well, free like how printing paper from the office supply closet is free. But free enough. If I could send free mail, I'd send a letter every day. I wouldn't even address the letter. I'd just send it to everyone. It'll get to the right person eventually. Everyone else can throw it away.

I'd send anonymous letters to complete strangers, just to confuse them.

"Thanks for the tea bag! As promised, here it is. -- Larry."

"Dogs love you. Except dogs named Ronaldo. Grrrr."

"WHY DID YOU OPEN ME!!! I was having the most wonderful dream."

Well, it's 4:30 p.m. Time for my first nap.

What Kids Dream About

This kid is going to be a hero at his next play-group.

Why Can't I Wake Up To Music?

I woke up to a radio ad blaring for Mattress Discounters. They are holding an end of the year clearance sale. Their current inventory has to go, go, go! You know, because of all the new mattress technology coming up in 2006.

If you’re sleeping on a mattress with springs, you’re living in the past. The 2005 past. In 2006, mattresses are going to be made out of clouds. Extra-puffy, bitches. Sandbags will be attached to your mattress so it doesn’t fly away. An optional electronic shock mechanism will be offered because most people will be too delirious with luxury to leave under their own power.

The U.S. government will no longer use electric shock, humiliation, or sleep deprivation to torture suspected terrorists. The government will just let the suspect rest for 5 minutes on a 2006 mattress. You want another nap? Tell us where Osama is. No terrorist will be able to resist.

As Mattress Discounters’ new slogan says: “All the virgins in heaven can’t match a night on one of our mattresses.”

Single? I'm Not Sure

Sign I passed on the road:

"SINGLE ???????
CALL (703) xxx-xxxx"

I wasn't going to call at first, but the 7th question mark reeled me in. Question marks 1-6 were bland and pedestrian. Six questions marks? If I wanted to see that, I'd read the opinion page in a college newspaper. But that 7th question mark blew my pants off and my phone in my hand. Not that I had any reason to have my pants off--I'm single--but sometimes the Duke brothers and the General Lee need to smell the fresh air of innovation.

Oh, The Commercials I See!

Saw this one last night. An elderly couple was laughing at a family barbeque. The camera pulled back to reveal...a pearl necklace in a bucket of barbeque sauce.

VO: "We didn't dip these pearls into barbeque sauce to show Fixodent's amazing cleaning power. And we didn't dip them in barbeque sauce to show how shiny Fixodent will make your teeth."

I never did find out just why did those crazy cats at Fixodent tore their grandmother's pearls off her neck and brought them to a Texas barbeque. I suspect the answer involves drugs and that the pearls were laughing at them. I can only guess because, at that very moment, I involuntarily muted the TV, part of my body's defensive reaction from keeping the rest of my now-liquefied brain from dripping out of my ear.

But I was outwitted. When it comes to advertisements, reading is a disability. The fine print on the bottom of the screen:

"Pearls made out of denture material".

So...they're not pearls. Gotcha. Kind of like "Pearls made of pig ears" or "Pearls made out of rainbows."

The nice thing about fine print in ads for products for the elderly is that most of your target audience can't read it. If I were the government, I'd start making announcements to the elderly in the fine print of Fixodent commercials.

"Social Security benefits will be cut by 20% for anyone who does not complain by Tuesday. This notice required by law. Law does not state where notice has to be said. Ha ha. Stupid law."

The Real AARP

What does it say about our civilization when the line between parody and reality is completely destroyed?

Just look at this web ad, part of a right-wing campaign to attack the AARP for its resistance against the Bush administration's proposal to privatize Social Security. No application of my creative powers, at whatever strength or duration, could result in the creation of a funnier ad.

It can't be parodied. Comedy Emiril can not kick it up another notch. It is the only ad in human history where the addition of a monkey would make it less absurd.

I give up. I quit. What's the point in trying anymore? Hey, everyone! Democrats hate lollipops! Social Security sucks taffy out of your belly! Just say no to subsidizing robots!

I think I'm going to snap.

On the back of bottles of Liquid-Plumr:

TO DISPOSE: Offer empty container for recycling. If recycling is not available, discard container in trash.


***
CUSTOMER SERVICE: "Liquid-Plumr. How can I help you?"
PERSON: Hi. What exactly do you mean by "offer empty container for recycling"?
CS: It means you can put it in your recycling container, if you have one.
PERSON: So that's an ix-nay on placing it outside on a pile of mulch, surrounded by a circle of candles, and smearing the blood of a sacrificial goat upon your naked body while you chant a paean to Kronos, God of recycling, as part of an effort for him to accept your humble offering?
CS: Yeah.

***
CUSTOMER SERVICE: "Liquid-Plumr. How can I--"
PERSON: "Hi. Me again. I tried discarding container in trash, but my trashcan won't take it."
CS: "It won't 'take it'?"
PERSON: "Well, it doesn't have an opening, so I threw the container at it and it bounced off the top."
CS: "Is the lid open?"
PERSON: "The lid! Yes. It all makes sense now. You've unclogged my brain AND my drain."

***
CS: "Liquid-Plumr. How can I help you?"
PERSON: "What happened to the B? Is Liquid-Plumrrr drunk?"
[click]
PERSON: "Is that a dial tone, or are you slurring an 'O'?"

***
CS: "Liquid-Plumr."
PERSON: "Have we spoke before?"
CS: "No. I just started today."
PERSON: "Excellent. I have a suggestion. On the back of the bottle, the directions say, "If recycling is not available, discard container in trash." Discard is a harsh word. It batters a container's fragile self-esteem at a delicate point in his life when he is wrestling with the question, "Now what?" That's why you should change the wording to "promote container to trash." Give them hope. Let them know that, whatever path life next takes them, it can be just as rich and fulfilling as unclogging hair out of drains."
CS: "Is this a joke?"
PERSON: "You got me. This is Ron from finance."
CS: "Ha ha! I knew it."
PERSON: "Ha ha! Kidding aside, I have some bad news. You're fired."

When Car Ads Go Warped

Ford should buy this fake Volkswagen ad and show it nationally.

Cheese Sandwich Update

$28,000. The winning bid came from Golden Palace, an online casino that is developing a reputation for unusual publicity events. They paid someone to streak at (last year's?) Superbowl with their web site address tattooed on his back (link warning: this guy's butt almost turned me straight).

If you're sad that you're bid wasn't high enough, you can always visit their web site and get your own Virgin Mary Cheese Sandwich Commenatorive T-shirt for $19.95.

The runner-up bid was from Rabbi Harry Halpern, whose plan was to threaten to eat the sandwich if the Christians didn't limit their singing of Jingle Bells to 100 times a week per public space. When told of Halpern's plan, Governor Schwarzenegger said: "No! We will never reduce the singing of Jingle Bells. We will jingle all the way!"

More Miracles

The 38-city Virgin Mary 2004 tour is nearing an end, but she's ending with a bang. After appearing on a potato, fence post, side of a llama, and a oak tree (a perennial stalwart), her latest appearance is one of her best ever: a 10-year-old grilled cheese sandwich.

The money quote (CNN, link from Trash Talkin' Rodeo): "Duyser, 52, said she took a bite after making it 10 years ago and saw a face staring back at her from the bread."

There have been times when, in a fit of laziness and hunger, I've eaten sandwich meat or bread whose freshness was borderline at best. The food, 1-2 weeks old, was hesitantly downed. I was worried about getting sick and argued the decision internally for several minutes, sometimes even consulting friends about the life expectancy of a tuna fish melt left on the counter overnight.

Unless the reporter's editor removed the following sentence: "After considering the decision for over a year while consulting nutritionists, health professionals, and the International Nuclear Agency, she decided it was safe to eat the sandwich" then we have a much bigger issue than another appearance of the visage of the Virgin Mary. This woman, Duyser, is either going to die an agonizing death or mutate into a super-human monster. If it's the latter, we need to clear her neighbors out of the area and bring in the bomb because fools and madmen take chances with decade-old Velveeta.

The sandwich, of course, was put on EBay, where the bidding reaches $22,000 before they removed the listing. EBay's justification for taking Mary down was that it doesn't allow listings intended to be jokes.

Oh, no. This isn't a joke. The woman completely believes there is an image of the Virgin Mary on the sandwich. She also believes there are pelicans in tutus twirling on her bed while squirrels fly out of Robert Goulet's mouth spelling mid-air the words to "My Love is a Sofa" or whatever song he sings. You see, Ebay isn't accounting for a critical detail in her story, namely SHE JUST ATE PART OF A TEN-YEAR OLD SANDWICH. DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S LESS LOONY THAN EATING A TEN-YEAR OLD SANDWICH? EATING AN ACTUAL TEN-YEAR OLD. ON THE CRAZINESS SCALE, TEN-YEAR OLD SANDWICH CRUSHES EATING A SIDE OF BILLY.

Screw bidding on the sandwich. We need to start a fundraiser for this woman. Mental health professionals, pills, detox--these services are expensive and I don't think her HMO has a religious food clause in their policy.

Update: Damn it. I spent half an hour writing this post and just realized I misread the article. She took a bite of the sandwich when she made it ten years ago, and then stored it. I suppose this says something of my opinion of certain religious people when my first reaction is to assume that she was storing the sandwich for a late-night snack. I should have gone with my first idea: I'll renounce my athiesm and join the Catholic church if the Virgin Mary will appear on the cover of a gay bondage video.

Update 2: The cheese is back! (Thanks Evan). Although you would think with a $99,999,999.00 top bid, she would throw in the shipping for free.

Best Ad in the Campaign?

If you are worried about the future of our country, and you are able to give $5 or $10 without it being a hardship, I can think of no better use for the money than to get this ad on the air. (I gave $10).

When in trouble, go to the well

The Republican National Committee, best known for their hit single "I Hide My Love From You in My Bunker," is sending out a mailing to Arkansas and West Virginia stating that, if elected, John Kerry will ban the Bible and allow gay marriage.

This type of political rhetoric is shameful. It infuriates me that the official face of the Republican party would stoop to sending out such a bigoted message. To even imply that the Bible would be banned and gay marriage would sweep the nation if Kerry is elected is absolutely ridiculous. At the last gay agenda meeting, we specifically agreed on rewriting the Bible to require its adherents to have gay sex every other Sunday. How can we do that if we ban the Bible?

As Fred Smoot, chairman of the 193^rd district, said in the sewer cavern where we meet: "These people will do anything the Bible tells them too. All we need is to infiltrate a few major printing houses and we got it made."

Religious conservatives bleat about the "gay agenda" and how legally-recognizing a loving relationship will cause the Earth to split open and for Satan to rise up and make us do evil things, like eat candy corn and wake up without hitting the snooze alarm.

But the truth about what we want is much more harder to argue against. Gay people, as the more enlightened of you know, merely want to eat your children and then use their bones to club your unborn babies.

But where is the photo of the zombie gay man feasting on the flesh of the living? Where is the photo of the Kerry campaign worker holding an expectant mother in a head lock while another campaign worker slams a crowbar in her stomach?

I'll tell you where: in mailings to Georgia and South Carolina, not Arkansas and West Virginia, where they belong. Ed Gillespie, chairman of the RNC, should be ashamed of himself for making these types of politics part of the official message of the Republican party.

(if the image is down, here's the gist of the mailer)

BIBLE: BANNED!
HAND HOLDING: ALLOWED!

Best. Political Ad. Ever.

Kerry should suspend campaigning and spend all his money funding media buys for this ad. Even President Bush would vote for him. (Ad on the left. Link from atrios.)

On the one hand, dog bites. On the other hand, porn.

Today's mail included a free porn periodical addressed to an old roommate of mine. Evidentially, pages 1-25 are supposed to generate in you an increasing amount of horniess, until you get to pages 26-30 and dial 1-900-SUPA-TITS with one hand. (And leave off the last S. That's the S for SEARCH THE FREAKIN INTERNET.)

But how did I know there was a nudie mag in the wrapped package? Because it wasn't completely wrapped. Someone had ripped the top open, and neither of my roommates were home.

There you go. Now you know why the mail arrives late some days.

Do you know what would be fun to to? Sending a fake package with a title like "From your friends at XXXPress!" Then when the mail man sticks his hand in the package, he triggers a device that fires at his palm a blob of glue, a bunch of hair, and a note: "Gotcha! - God."

Down the Drain in the Shower

Every weight-loss advertisement has a few, rail-thin people gushing about the amazing results of the product. "I lost 14 pounds in one week!" Then, on the crawl in small print: "Results may vary."

You think they can go out on a limb and say, "Results will vary"? Or, "If our product actually has this effect on you, please see medical attention. You are about to die." I want to see the weight-loss ad that has a woman saying, "I lost 14 pounds in one week!" and a team of EMTs storming in and strapping her to a gurney. "Dear God! Get this woman into the ICU. Move move move!"

Come On, Get Your Cruise

I suspect advertisers target their ads towards dogs and just replace their names with ours.

"Spot - Reward yourself with new Pepsi Edge"

I realized that the difference between me and the dogs I walk is that when I get really hungry, I can open cupboards.

There's a giant company in my closet

Monster.com's current ad campaign features job hunters describing their skills and what they can offer to employers. The TV ads are a mix of folksiness and oatmeal container slogans. "Hi, I'm Bud. I have 23 years experience in systems engineering and analysis. If you want something done, I'll do it right. The way it should be done."

The tagline is, "There are thousands of candidates just like Bud on Monster.com," which is good, because this Bud doesn't come in a six-pack. But the message distracts from the real point. If your job web site has to resort to promoting unemployed people in a national television campaign to find them work, then either you need to expand the search engine categories from "easy work," "hard work," and "work it like a Polaroid", or the economy is doing much worse than any of us have thought.

The first time I saw this commercial, I expected it to end with "I'm John Kerry and I approved of this ad." A few tweaks and it becomes a diatribe against President Bush.

"Hi, I'm Bud. Thanks to George Bush, I have to appear in 1.2 million homes five times a week to even hope of tasting once again the sweet nectar of a full-time job. I can barely afford to feed my children. Bud Light is starving and last week, my daughter, Bud Dry, went to the hospital for dehydration. I can’t even afford the drugs she needs in America. If it weren't for our friends, the Molson's, we'd be on the street, lying in a gutter somewhere."