Dear Media

I know the war in Iraq, Social Security, and the national debt are important and all that. But let's talk about the real today: WHERE ARE THE SHARK ATTACKS?

We started off with two wonderful ones, right after each other. I ran out and bought a can of Wite-Out for my "Summer of the Shark 2001" shirt.

Then...nothing. It's been almost a whole week without a shark attack. What gives? I don't care if there haven't been any real shark attacks. Can't Wolf Blitzer strap on a dorsal fin and bite someone? And what is Tom Brokaw doing nowadays? I'll tell you what he should be doing: biting people in the ocean. Throw your former comrades a bone, Brokie.

Media, this is the people speaking: WE WANT MORE SHARK ATTACKS!

Bush's Iraq Speech

Hey, when you're down, go to the well. I can't count the times I was struggling to write a joke and I had to go back to the monkey. Pancake City would have died a long time ago without the monkey.

For Bush's next speech, he should skip mentioning 9/11 and just bring out the 9/11 conga dancers. "Nine e-lev-en! Nine e-lev-en! Da da da da da, da da, DA da."

Outdoor Cat

As a dog walker, the concept of an outdoor cat amuses me.

CAT OWNER1: "Friskers is an indoor cat. He loves sitting on his post and staring out the window."
CAT OWNER1: "Not Mittens. Mittens is an outdoor cat. She'll roam around outside all day, but she always comes home for dinner."

Ha! In the dog world, there are no outdoor dogs. There are indoor dogs, and dogs that escaped. A dog is like a lifer in the state penitentiary who has shown exemplary behavior for the past 20 years until the guard leaves the gate open a crack. See ya. Thanks for the kibble! I'll come home right after I tire of freedom.

And people wonder: "But he was such a good dog. Why would he run away?"

I don't know--adventure, peeing wherever he wants, eating pizza scraps on the ground, staying outside until his heart is content...

It's the same thing with relationships. "But he was such a good boyfriend. Why would he leave me?" I don't know--adventure, peeing wherever he wants, eating pizza scraps on the ground...

Shark Attack Update

Keep em coming, media! BOW DOWN TO THE POWER OF THE SHARK!!!

Friday Hat Blogging

YEEEESSS!

Summer of the Shark is back!

Quote

Mark Twain is the king of quotes. I'm glad he's not alive today because if we met, I'd be disappointed when he said hi. This one made me smile:

"When angry, count four; when very angry, swear."

~ Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson

You're Kidding Me

You're fucking kidding me.

Bring on the four horsemen!

Bush Twins Unemployment Index

Heh heh.

Jacko

I understand Michael getting off on the four counts of child molestation. And the count of false imprisonment. I wasn't in the courtroom, and it's plausible that there was enough doubt to find him not guilty.

But the Jesus Juice too? You can't make that stuff up. Comedy gold like that has to be mined. If I were the lead prosecutor for that case, I would have stood up on the first day and said: "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I have two words for you: Jesus. Juice. The prosecution rests."

Friday Rat Blogging

An Opportunity Unclaimed

A few weeks ago, after my sister Tina's professor posted a comment on the site, I had a few reactions.

1. Take that, New York Review of Blogs. Someone with higher education DOES read my site.
2. It was sweet of Tina to tell her professor about the blog. I certainly wouldn't have told any of my professors about it.
3. How can I use this contact with Tina's professional life to embarrass her?

I went for the classic: a public offer to share embarrassing stories about Tina with him. I was going to do something special, like borrow her baby album and make posters of some of the pictures, but the daily routines of life has a way of dulling the energy we invest in our dreams.

A few days later, he responded: "I'd LOVE to hear some embarrassing stories about Tina." I called her up.

ME: "Guess who I got an email from?"
TINA: "Who?"
ME: "Barry Mar-gill..mar-gul...um, mar--?"
TINA: "My professor!"
ME: "Yup. He took me up on my offer to hear embarrassing stories about you."
TINA: "Yeah..."
ME: "Remember that time when you went to the bathroom, and you pooped so much that you clogged the toilet and had to get a plunger to fix it?"
TINA: "That wasn't me, that was [REDACTED]."
ME: "Not any more."

I never did tell any stories about her though. Not out of lack of motivation. I couldn't remember anything embarrassing that she did. All my childhood memories are of locking me in the basement and punching me.

Huh. I guessed the punching worked.

Friday Cat Blogging

I've long envied cat owners for their ability to take part in Friday Cat Blogging (where, as the name says, you post a photo of your cat on your blog on Friday).

Then I realized: "Hey, I can just sneak into my neighbor's house in the middle of the night, steal his cat, and a beer or two, no more than three, take a few photos, and then when my neighbor storms into my house demanding I return his pet, as he did last night, I can pretend to be deranged and claim the cat is infused with the spirit of the sun devil and must be cleansed through his soul entering the all-seeing eye.

The plan worked perfectly. And the beers were delicious.

Sophie and Noel

Sophie and Noel won Pets of the Month for June. They beat out some rat-faced dog, another loser dog, and get this--somebody actually nominated a pair of cats. ??? Like cats could ever be Pet of the Month.

Anyway, you can see a few photos of them here.

Conan O'Brien Predicts the Future

Very funny.

Today's Words of Wisdom

You're never truly bald until you throw away your comb. Or you have no hair on your head. That and the comb thing--those are the two criteria for baldness. And living in an alternate universe where everyone except you has folds of thick, wavy hair and you're bald relative to them. Kind of like how we're bald relative to monkeys (that's why they laugh at us).