The Wrong Person To Rob

This is pretty funny.

Posts are Coming!

I have 3 or 4 half-written posts that I haven't had time to finish yet. I know often many of my posts are indistinguishable from a drunk monkey typing at a stenographer's keyboard and drinking bourbon out of a Mr. Bobo-brand metal flask. That is obviously a false impression to have. The monkey can type faster, and BANANA ME NEED GO GO.

But I'll finish one of them when I get home today. I was digging through my old files, trying to find something I wrote a few years ago that I could post. It took me twenty minutes, about how much time I would need to write up one of the ideas that I have. The result? A whole paragraph, which I probably already posted:

Anti-depressants would be a lot more effective if they gave you superpowers. Like heat vision. People who can shoot lasers out of their eyes don'’t feel worthless. Superman has the weight of the world on his shoulders, but you never see him taking Prozac. Of course, his therapist accuses him of flying away from his problems.

THERAPIST: "You can't blow away your problems, Superman. Eventually, they'll thaw, and still be there, the same as when you froze them."
SUPERMAN: "So you're saying I should skip the freeze breath and just blast everything with my heat vision?"
THERAPIST: "No. I'm saying--"
SUPERMAN: "Throw them into outer space?"
THERAPIST: "Hold on. Just listen on me."
SUPERMAN: "I'm listening."
THERAPIST: "What I'm saying--"
SUPERMAN: "Hold on. I'm listening to the sex therapist two floors below us."

Headline...

Bear attack victim loved nature, hated bears, dad says
Okay, I added the "hated bears" part.

This was on the front page of Yahoo. I think they're testing the waters for Summer of the Bear.

Notes to a Dog Walking Client, #53

(Sophie is a Golden Retriever who carries a red Kong in her mouth during most of our walk)

[note 1]
Sophie has ADDD--Attention Deficit Dog Disorder. She's like, "I love my Kong, I love my Kong, I love my Kong...ooh, a grease stain!" I'd think about getting her a prescription of Ruffalin. Two out of five psychiatrists recommend it. That's almost 50%!

[note 2]
I like the note I wrote today a lot. But since it won't stick to the fridge, I put it in the fridge. It's going to be a nationwide trend. Cousins on the outside, children next to the eggs. Not that I'm your child. Or your cousin. But I'm kind of like family. Like a strang-child, or a half-cousin.

Man, I gotta put this one in the fridge too. Or as the kids say nowadays, "Fridge it up!"

[note 3] (on counter)
Notes are in the fridge!

Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions in Parade

[cover]
Screen superstar Tom Cruise asks: 'Who's To Say What's Normal?'
Not you.

[Personality Parade]
Please settle a bet. My wife says the best-known Three Stooges are still alive. I say no. Who pays?
Tell your wife the Stooges are dead. As well as your marriage. Your idea of excitement is a Three Stooges-fueled clash of the minds? And what did you bet, loser has to tape "Green Acres" on Nick at Night for a week?

[Ask Marilyn]
What can be found in the following words: zygote, taxi, wave, cuts, re--
Hold on. I'll finish the list. Inane, insulting, genius, IQ, opportunities, lost, job, answering, moronic, questions, depressed, suicidal, death.

I'm Done!

Well, not completely done, but I finished the brunt of a freelance project that's taken most of my free time the past three weeks. The hiatus from Pancake City is over.