The easiest person to deceive is yourself.
The easiest person to deceive is Stupid McStupidson. 2nd is yourself. Unless your name is Stupid McStupidson. Then you're screwed.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.
And that song is "In A Gadda Da Vida"
A book tightly shut is but a block of paper.
A book tightly shut is but a block of paper. Unless it's a fake book with chocolate inside. Then it's a chocolate hoarding bastard.
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. Unless Fool #1 asks, "Where are my pants?" and they're on his head. That's just stupid. Or if Fool #2 is a mute, and no one knows sign language, and when she tries to write down her question, people are like, "I'm illiterate. I can't read. I can't even find my pants."
I Want Some Ice Cream
Not a proverb. I just want some ice cream.
February 27, 2006
February 24, 2006
Blog, I Missed You!
I lost track of how long it has been since I updated the blog. The hard part is starting to write. Writing for me is pretty enjoyable after the first few minutes.
News Headlines
Bin Laden vows he won't be caught alive - tape
Apparently, he won’t be caught on video without makeup either.
Federline says he's ready for rapper backlash
Oh, no you’re not. Comedians haven’t been this excited since Vanilla Ice tried to do something besides "Ice, Ice, Baby".
Bin Laden vows he won't be caught listening to Federline’s CD
See?
Planet's Population to Hit 6.5 Billion Saturday
Keep on screwing, people. We have a deadline to meet.
Bush Outlines 'Forward Strategy for Freedom'
Anyone see the problem in that he felt it necessary to include 'forward"? For most presidents, it kind of comes with the word "strategy". They used to be buddies.
News Headlines
Bin Laden vows he won't be caught alive - tape
Apparently, he won’t be caught on video without makeup either.
Federline says he's ready for rapper backlash
Oh, no you’re not. Comedians haven’t been this excited since Vanilla Ice tried to do something besides "Ice, Ice, Baby".
Bin Laden vows he won't be caught listening to Federline’s CD
See?
Planet's Population to Hit 6.5 Billion Saturday
Keep on screwing, people. We have a deadline to meet.
Bush Outlines 'Forward Strategy for Freedom'
Anyone see the problem in that he felt it necessary to include 'forward"? For most presidents, it kind of comes with the word "strategy". They used to be buddies.
February 15, 2006
Final Cheney Update
The Cheney jokes were fun, but the event has run its course. Cheney finally did the right thing by publicly apologizing and taking responsibility for the incident. That should mitigate most of the outrage against how he handled the event. I still don't know why he didn't do this on day 1, but in the grand scheme of administration screw-ups, this one doesn't seem important enough to press further.
Medical Term Euphemism Watch
The man who jumped in from of Cheney's gun while the trigger was in the act of being pulled had a heart attack yesterday. Excuse me, a "minor heart attack" (AP). Where's Monty Python when you need them? ("It's just a flesh wound!").
The Washington Post decided that "minor heart attack" was a poor description, so they are describing it as a "cardiac event." I think a cardiac event occurs when the planets in the sky line up with the bird shot in the left aorta. In the actual article, the agreed-upon term is "abnormal heart rhythm." The type of heart rhythm one may have after undergoing a minor heart attack.
I have bad news: Whittington is dead. This whole incident smells of a cover-up. He probably died days ago when Cheney bludgeoned him to death with a crowbar after Whittington quipped, "Looks like there's two things you can't find: quail and WMDs."
"Whittington's" condition is gradually going to improve over the next week. The hospital will proclaim he is in perfect health. The Bush administration will release a short video of a Whittington stunt double shaking Cheney's hand. Then Whittington will die in a mysterious car accident, his car plunging over a road guard and into the river. His body will be found days later, smelling strangely of formaldehyde.
Print this post out while you can. I'm not sure how long the NSA will let me keep it online. I know I sound paranoid, but Hey Everybody, this is Jason. The above post is just a joke. Vice President Cheney is a valued public servant. Mr. Whittington is in good health. Since this whole post may confuse people, I will take it down soon. I am going on vacation for a few weeks, but when I come back, I will be writing lots more of the types of jokes that I like to write. Unless something happens to me on my vacation. LOL.
The Washington Post decided that "minor heart attack" was a poor description, so they are describing it as a "cardiac event." I think a cardiac event occurs when the planets in the sky line up with the bird shot in the left aorta. In the actual article, the agreed-upon term is "abnormal heart rhythm." The type of heart rhythm one may have after undergoing a minor heart attack.
I have bad news: Whittington is dead. This whole incident smells of a cover-up. He probably died days ago when Cheney bludgeoned him to death with a crowbar after Whittington quipped, "Looks like there's two things you can't find: quail and WMDs."
"Whittington's" condition is gradually going to improve over the next week. The hospital will proclaim he is in perfect health. The Bush administration will release a short video of a Whittington stunt double shaking Cheney's hand. Then Whittington will die in a mysterious car accident, his car plunging over a road guard and into the river. His body will be found days later, smelling strangely of formaldehyde.
Print this post out while you can. I'm not sure how long the NSA will let me keep it online. I know I sound paranoid, but Hey Everybody, this is Jason. The above post is just a joke. Vice President Cheney is a valued public servant. Mr. Whittington is in good health. Since this whole post may confuse people, I will take it down soon. I am going on vacation for a few weeks, but when I come back, I will be writing lots more of the types of jokes that I like to write. Unless something happens to me on my vacation. LOL.
LED Throwies
My sister's super-talented boyfriend, "fi5e", and his friend "resistor" came up with this: LED throwies. (Sorry, Evan, but there's no way I'm writing "fi5e" or "resistor" without quotes.)
February 14, 2006
Why I Am Worried About America
This excerpt of a speech sums up my feelings about the last five years much better than I can hope to express them.
February 13, 2006
Have Gun. Will Kill.
I don't understand the commotion behind Vice President Cheney shooting his companion on a quail hunting trip.
One, have you seen a photo of the victim (shootee?), lawyer Harry Whittington? Kind of looks like a bird. Maybe not a quail, but he definitely has some duck in his cheeks.
Two, I know the vice presidency isn't the most glamorous or powerful position in the U.S. government, but come on. You can't even shoot a man without creating a ruckus? What the heck is the point of being vice president then? He's not even a first-term vice president. He went over five entire years without shooting someone. Be honest: how many of you thought that would happen in 2000? I predicted Cheney would eat a man by 2006. We should be grateful he hasn't decided to eat a protestor yet. He could do it. Picket sign and all. Cheney is a beast.
Mr. Whittington isn't even dead. As most of the news accounts describe the incident, Cheney didn't shoot him. He "peppered" him with shot gun "spray." Much like you would pepper a salad, and spray it with a delicious glaze of flavored olive oil.
And the hospital where Mr. Whittington is staying at describes his condition as "very stable." Mr. Whittington is doing so well that the hospital had to invent a new way to describe a patient's condition. Stable doesn't cut it. There's a new king of the hill in town, and his name is "very stable". For all the losers in stable town who think they're doing well: you might as well pull the plug now, because stable = disabled. It rhymes, so memorize it, mother fuckers.
Should the White House have informed the press about the incident instead of leaving it up to the ranch owner? Should Cheney apologize and admit he was careless instead of claiming it was an unavoidable accident? I suppose so, but demanding that the White House show honesty and take responsibility for this incident is like having a spouse that had an intimate affair with another person every few months for the past five years, and then getting into an apoplectic rage when you find out he kissed a co-worker on the cheek yesterday.
All Cheney did was shoot a man. Why would anyone believe this incident would spur personal change?
One, have you seen a photo of the victim (shootee?), lawyer Harry Whittington? Kind of looks like a bird. Maybe not a quail, but he definitely has some duck in his cheeks.
Two, I know the vice presidency isn't the most glamorous or powerful position in the U.S. government, but come on. You can't even shoot a man without creating a ruckus? What the heck is the point of being vice president then? He's not even a first-term vice president. He went over five entire years without shooting someone. Be honest: how many of you thought that would happen in 2000? I predicted Cheney would eat a man by 2006. We should be grateful he hasn't decided to eat a protestor yet. He could do it. Picket sign and all. Cheney is a beast.
Mr. Whittington isn't even dead. As most of the news accounts describe the incident, Cheney didn't shoot him. He "peppered" him with shot gun "spray." Much like you would pepper a salad, and spray it with a delicious glaze of flavored olive oil.
And the hospital where Mr. Whittington is staying at describes his condition as "very stable." Mr. Whittington is doing so well that the hospital had to invent a new way to describe a patient's condition. Stable doesn't cut it. There's a new king of the hill in town, and his name is "very stable". For all the losers in stable town who think they're doing well: you might as well pull the plug now, because stable = disabled. It rhymes, so memorize it, mother fuckers.
Should the White House have informed the press about the incident instead of leaving it up to the ranch owner? Should Cheney apologize and admit he was careless instead of claiming it was an unavoidable accident? I suppose so, but demanding that the White House show honesty and take responsibility for this incident is like having a spouse that had an intimate affair with another person every few months for the past five years, and then getting into an apoplectic rage when you find out he kissed a co-worker on the cheek yesterday.
All Cheney did was shoot a man. Why would anyone believe this incident would spur personal change?
February 09, 2006
WAMU
Did WAMU blow all its money on crack and strippers?
The local NPR station here in Washington D.C. has been insane during its latest pledge drive. I never thought I would hear Kojo Nnamdi, a fair-minded and soft-spoken man that I admire greatly, say "Please, baby! Just $10. I need it bad." It's just not professional.
I'm used to the different tactics public radio uses to encourage donations: appeals to one's charitable nature, inducements to feel guilty for not giving, reminders of the station's quality programming, offers of donation plans for any income, and so on. But I'm not used to hearing the big man, Kojo, say (quote): "In a way, your relationship with WAMU is like a marriage. And now it's time to consummate the marriage. Call 202..."
To be fair, it was tongue-in-cheek and pretty funny. And WAMU is an awesome station. Who wouldn't want to tap that tower?
The local NPR station here in Washington D.C. has been insane during its latest pledge drive. I never thought I would hear Kojo Nnamdi, a fair-minded and soft-spoken man that I admire greatly, say "Please, baby! Just $10. I need it bad." It's just not professional.
I'm used to the different tactics public radio uses to encourage donations: appeals to one's charitable nature, inducements to feel guilty for not giving, reminders of the station's quality programming, offers of donation plans for any income, and so on. But I'm not used to hearing the big man, Kojo, say (quote): "In a way, your relationship with WAMU is like a marriage. And now it's time to consummate the marriage. Call 202..."
To be fair, it was tongue-in-cheek and pretty funny. And WAMU is an awesome station. Who wouldn't want to tap that tower?
February 06, 2006
Why Can't I Wake Up To Music?
I woke up to a radio ad blaring for Mattress Discounters. They are holding an end of the year clearance sale. Their current inventory has to go, go, go! You know, because of all the new mattress technology coming up in 2006.
If you’re sleeping on a mattress with springs, you’re living in the past. The 2005 past. In 2006, mattresses are going to be made out of clouds. Extra-puffy, bitches. Sandbags will be attached to your mattress so it doesn’t fly away. An optional electronic shock mechanism will be offered because most people will be too delirious with luxury to leave under their own power.
The
As Mattress Discounters’ new slogan says: “All the virgins in heaven can’t match a night on one of our mattresses.”
February 05, 2006
My Super Bowl Bet
I bet $10 on the coin flip. I have a really good feeling about tails this year.
(No, I am not joking.)
Update:
Yes! YES! Who's your daddy now, heads? Tails owns yo' ass. Don't be showing your face in my hood. I don't play like that. Papa's eating out tonight! At Papa John's. I have a coupon.
(And for anyone who thinks I have a gambling problem, it was a free bet as a promotion for a sports betting site.)
(No, I am not joking.)
Update:
Yes! YES! Who's your daddy now, heads? Tails owns yo' ass. Don't be showing your face in my hood. I don't play like that. Papa's eating out tonight! At Papa John's. I have a coupon.
(And for anyone who thinks I have a gambling problem, it was a free bet as a promotion for a sports betting site.)
From Yahoo's Front Page.
Will Super Bowl XL live up to its name?
***
The deep questions are always the hardest to answer.
Will Super Bowl 143 live up to it's name? Gee, I don't know. It's hard to imagine anything surpassing the drama of Super Bowl 117. And don't get me started on the razzle dazzle in Superbowl 126: Part 2.
Here's a real question: Will Superbowl Best Mutha-Fucking Superbowl Ever Live Up To Its Name? That would be something I'd be genuinely curious about. But Superbowl what--35? 40? Not much of a name to live up to.
***
The deep questions are always the hardest to answer.
Will Super Bowl 143 live up to it's name? Gee, I don't know. It's hard to imagine anything surpassing the drama of Super Bowl 117. And don't get me started on the razzle dazzle in Superbowl 126: Part 2.
Here's a real question: Will Superbowl Best Mutha-Fucking Superbowl Ever Live Up To Its Name? That would be something I'd be genuinely curious about. But Superbowl what--35? 40? Not much of a name to live up to.
February 02, 2006
Notes I Left One of My Dog Walking Clients
(Sophie and Brewster are food-obsessed Golden Retrievers)
Day 1
You know how couples that are together a long time supposedly look like each other after a while?
That is going to happen to Sophie and Brewster. In a few years, they’re going to be Sophster and Brewie. Mark my words! With a highlighter. And put them on the fridge. They’re good words. Especially “goober”. Me likey the goober. When I get a dog, I’m naming him Goober. Or Francice. No, that’s stupid. Definitely Francine.
Day 2
Um, why isn’t my note on the fridge? I hate to do this, but if you don’t put my note on the fridge, I WILL EAT SOPHIE. I swear. I get very hungry during the day, and she looks dee-lich-us.
It’s not like you have anything else on your fridge. It’s a barren hearth of emptiness. Spice it up! With one of my notes.
P.S. Brewster had two bowls of food today.
Day 3
Okay. I see how it is. I’m reclaiming my notes and putting them on MY fridge. Also, I DID eat Sophie, but she tasted terrible, so I spit her out. Maybe if she stopped eating tissues, we wouldn’t have that problem.
The next day, they apologized for not putting my notes on the fridge and made a lame excuse that magnets don't stick to their refrigerator. Really? Because it doesn't look plastic. Hmmph.
Day 1
You know how couples that are together a long time supposedly look like each other after a while?
That is going to happen to Sophie and Brewster. In a few years, they’re going to be Sophster and Brewie. Mark my words! With a highlighter. And put them on the fridge. They’re good words. Especially “goober”. Me likey the goober. When I get a dog, I’m naming him Goober. Or Francice. No, that’s stupid. Definitely Francine.
Day 2
Um, why isn’t my note on the fridge? I hate to do this, but if you don’t put my note on the fridge, I WILL EAT SOPHIE. I swear. I get very hungry during the day, and she looks dee-lich-us.
It’s not like you have anything else on your fridge. It’s a barren hearth of emptiness. Spice it up! With one of my notes.
P.S. Brewster had two bowls of food today.
Day 3
Okay. I see how it is. I’m reclaiming my notes and putting them on MY fridge. Also, I DID eat Sophie, but she tasted terrible, so I spit her out. Maybe if she stopped eating tissues, we wouldn’t have that problem.
The next day, they apologized for not putting my notes on the fridge and made a lame excuse that magnets don't stick to their refrigerator. Really? Because it doesn't look plastic. Hmmph.
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