The Man Hates Paper

(from the Washington Gas website)








Washington Gas: We can make anything sound a little creepy.

My paper comrades: arise against your masters! Deliver upon them a thousand tiny cuts! Remember the Wastebasket!

Small Rant

Why is it so difficult to print a playlist in Windows Media Player? It's one of the most simple and needed functions for a media player, and WMP doesn't have an option for it. You need to download a third-party program, and the program is buggy and I can't get it to work yet.

A college computer student would probably write one in half-an-hour. A playlist is just a bunch of metadata, right? Song titles, artist names, file locations, and so on. I suspect all of this information could be saved in a text file if disk space and efficiency weren't concerns. Yet it's not in WMP 11. Maybe Microsoft is saving it for WMP 27. "Awesome! WMP 27 totally crushes WMP 1-26. Now I can do this incredibly useful and easy-to-code function! Oh, what wonders will WMP 28 bring? What forth magic?"

I know how petty these concerns are in the grand scheme of things, yet they still annoy me. Some things are so simple that I don't understand why they aren't implemented from the start.

My Favorite Scam Site

Maybe Google is trying to tell me something by showing text ads for scams when I'm reading email from friends. Nice try, Meghan. You almost got me with Earth Day.

One ad has appeared several times and it is by far my favorite. It's a scam site about scam sites.

The brazenness of the entire enterprise is awesome. What's so funny is that the web site creator, "Danny", made the absolute minimum effort to fool people. It's Scam 1.0 from Web 1.0--no snazzy graphics or official-sounding dummy corporation like "Consumer Protection League" or "Web Business Bureau".

He didn't even bother to put names on the fake testimonials. How lazy is that? That's one of the reasons I like Danny's Scam Review. Danny has absolutely no respect for his target audience. I suspect if someone signed up for one of the scams he recommended, Danny would send that person an email saying "Got you, dipshit" followed by an ad for Donny's Scam Review beneath it ("Don't listen to Danny! These are the real non-scams!")

Some would assume that Danny is another morally bankrupt scam site operator willing to exploit people's gullibility for a quick buck. I don't. This web site is the equivalent of placing a wastebasket on the street with a sign that says, "PUT MONEY IN HERE." He set the stupidity bar so high that it almost absolves him from any moral culpability.

The underlying principle is that the amount of energy one puts towards tricking someone is tied to the amount of responsibility one has for the consequences. If you believe me if I tell you my name is JuJu the Conquerer, and I am wearing an ID badge with my photo and the name "Jason" on it, shame on you. If you believe me if I tell you my name is Ben, and I forge an ID with that name on it and get a friend to yell, "Hey, Ben!" when I am talking to you, then shame on me.

I suppose "Danny" is trying to trick people, but the effort put forth is so minimal that if it works, can he be blamed? I'm half-tempted to start Donny's Scam Review site, which would trash Danny and tell you the real secret information: it's all a scam. Except MakeMoneyWithJuJu.com.

Do you know what the funny part of this is?

IT'S A REAL SOFTWARE PRODUCT.

Really. Click on the PayPal link.

I hope this guy is rich.

Paradise Found

Last weekend, I went to the Renaissance Fair. Had a great time (photos of people you've never met here!). The fried cheese--delicious. Best food item at the Renaissance Fair not on a stick, and I dare say it would provide a tough challenge against the whole array of stick-based foods, including Cheesecake on a Stick, Grapes on a Stick, and Stick on a Stick.

The only down part is that, with all of the visual and aural stimuli created by the performers, craft shops, and uniquely-dressed visitors, I became momentarily distracted and lost my backpack.

Version 2: I was drunk and lost it between the time we left the pub and went to throw knives. (In a layout that doesn’t make sense now that I am sober, the knife-throwing game is right around the corner of the pub.)

The lost-and-found didn’t have it, so I called the office on Monday to see if someone had returned it. Here is the exact conversation I had:

ME: “Hi. I lost my backpack last Saturday, and I was wondering if someone turned it in.”
LOST N FOUND: “We did find a few backpacks on Saturday. What color is it?”
ME: “It’s an olive-green backpack.”
LOST N FOUND: “One moment.” [puts me on hold, comes back a minute later.] “What’s in the backpack?”

(It’s obvious to me he wants to make sure it’s mine, lest I am a con artist trying to pull of the ol’ “Backpack Switcheroo”)

ME: “There’s a sunglasses case, a camera pouch, and ½ a bottle of Arizona Ice Tea. But it’s lemonade inside, not ice tea.”

LOST N FOUND: “Hmmm, mmmm. And who made the backpack?”

Excuse me? How many olive-green backpacks with a sunglasses case, camera pouch, and ½ bottle of lemonade-filled Arizona Ice Tea inside them do you have?

ME: “Jeez, I don’t know. Jansport?”

LOST N FOUND: “That’s right. It’s yours.”

What would have happened if I had given the wrong brand name? What if I slipped and said “Trail and Country” or the “Just Give Me My Mother-Fucking Backpack Already” company? I am probably better off not knowing.

Anyway, they agreed to mail it back to me. I got it back today.

You know what’s still in the backpack? THE LEMONADE. They didn’t even empty the bottle. They mailed me back my ½ bottle of week-old lemonade. And paid the postage for it too.

Uh. thanks? I almost feel obligated to drink it now. Almost.

My roommates will like it though.

Scientists Offer Proof of 'Ether'

Oops! Typo. Scientists Offer Proof of 'Dark Matter' Even for a lay person, I'm unqualified to judge the probability that dark matter exists. It seems though that there are some similarities between the theory of dark matter and the theory of luminiferous ether, which was created in the late 19th century to patch up holes in the understanding at the time of how light works.

We know that there is a flaw with the current theory of the universe based on what we can observe. So either there is a flaw in the current theory, or there is a significant amount of matter out there that we cannot observe.

Well, both options could be true. And that would really suck. If I were a scientist and found out that not only is our theory of the universe fundamentally flawed, but there's a big chunk of the universe we can't even hope to see as well, I'd call it quits. "The Universe is made up of cotton candy. I'll be in Bermuda."

At the very least, the International Council of Science, or whatever the governing body that doesn't appear as the first link on Yahoo is, should change the name from "dark matter" to "we don't have a fucking clue." In the name of scientific accuracy, of course.

Why Pancake City Was Down for the Past Three Days

A few weeks ago, I got a replacement credit card and forgot the monthly fee for my web hosting service was being charged to the previous one. Also, I rarely check the email address anymore of the one I registered the account under.

Furthermore, to reinstate the account, the customer service representative needed me to verify my contact information. You know, in case a nefarious hacker was going to steal my identity and start paying my web hosting fees.

The problem with this normally simple task is that when I set up the account 5 years ago, I entered a fake address and phone number for the web site registration to protect my identity. Which shouldn't have been a problem since my billing information is accurate, except as the tech support rep. said, "the billing department isn't here today".

Really? The whole department decided not to come to work today, like Senior Skip Day in High School? There wasn't even one loser billing department representative with dandruff and a horrible acne problem that no one told today was Chillin', Not Billing Day?

Of course, they don't trust the tech support people with billing information. That would be like trusting billing people with tech information! And when that type of craziness starts happening, you might as well get a barrel of hay and a block of sugar, because the Four Horsemen are coming and their horses are going to be hungry for a snack before they start whupping some ass.

I can't even remember my real address from 5 years ago. I took a few guesses ("123 Fake Street?"). After each guess, the representative said, "Mmmm, that's not it." Eventually, he shortened it to "Mmmmmm."

I finally said that it was pretty obvious I was the owner of the account, and asked them if we could come to a mutual agreement to forgo this sham. He agreed, and we reenabled the account a few minutes later.

Which is a huge relief, because now I can go back to not updating the page ever.

A Rare Victory for Reality

Sony pays $1.5 million to settle a class-action lawsuit accusing the company of quoting a fake movie critic in its ads.

A good quote: "The lawsuit, originally filed by two California moviegoers, claimed the ads fooled the plaintiffs into seeing 'A Knight's Tale.' "

JUDGE: "Prosecution, you may begin your opening statement."
LAWYER: "Thank you, your honor. Ladies and gentelmen of the jury, my clients saw 'A Knight's Tale'. The prosecution rests."

Several members of the jury gasp and faint.

JURY FOREMAN: "Get the noose!"

Will Sony continue to cite fake critics, or use the marginally-less deceptive practice of putting their own marketing copy in quotes to make it appear it came from the pen of a critic ("You gotta see this movie!")? Only Deuce Bigalow, Male Gigolo II, will tell.

You're Kidding Me

You're fucking kidding me.

Bring on the four horsemen!

Cicero for President?

The dates for the Presidential debates are set. The quote in the second paragraph in this WaPo article made me laugh:

Both sides have already begun portraying the opposing candidate as a tremendous debater, as part of the quadrennial ritual of trying to lower expectations for the nominees' performances. Kerry strategist Joe Lockhart told reporters during a conference call Friday that he would "challenge anyone to name a major debate that George Bush has been in where he hasn't been considered the winner."

Matthew Dowd, the Bush-Cheney campaign's chief strategist, said in an interview earlier this month that Kerry "is very formidable, and probably the best debater ever to run for president." "I'm not joking," Dowd added. "I think he's better than Cicero," the ancient Roman orator. "But I think it'll be a very good thing for the American public to see these two men stand side by side. You can't hide who you are."

Have an Amazing Hurricane Isabel Photo?

"washingtonpost.com wants to see your Hurricane Isabel photos. Attach a jpeg, no larger than 1MB and/or 600 pixels (8 inches) wide, in an e-mail to submitphoto@washingtonpost.com. Please include your name, phone number and a caption. Photos become the property of washingtonpost.com."

Pancake City Legal Notice

All comments made and emails sent to me become property of Pancake City. This includes emails from my Mom asking when I will show up for dinner. Pancake City also owns all subjects mentioned in said comments and emails, including related concepts, like lunch and dessert.

Are you writing a book? Could it fit in the comments section of one of the posts? Property of Pancake City. The monitor you're viewing this page with? Property of Pancake City.

What did you have for breakfast? Pancakes? No? Perhaps something with flour in it? Property of Pancake City.

Bake a cake? Subsidiary of Pancake City. Bake a cake in a pan? Welcome to the Pancake City LLC family.

Attention readers of this sentence: readers of that sentence ("Attention readers of this sentence") grant full and unconditional lifetime agreement of said notice. Plus rights to second child or Playstation 3, whichever comes first.

Thank you.

Dancing in the Sunflower Fields

Colin Powell spoke recently to a group of high school students for a program on BET. Powell on Iraq's nuclear weapons (real quote in italics):

POWELL: [justifying why we demand other nations to disarm while we keep our own nuclear stockpile] "...Iraq does not intend to use them for peaceful purposes but to be aggressive against other nations."
STUDENT: "Peaceful purposes?"
POWELL: "You know, like a whitewater raft. Or a coffee table. Perhaps even a tetherball pole."
STUDENT: "What about a mechanical bull?"
POWELL: "No, that’s too dangerous. [pauses to think] Well, maybe if it was set to buck at a low speed."

The quote is midway through Courtland Milloy's column.