Non-live Debate Blogging, Part 1

Best blog comment on the Obama\Clinton debate comes from Josh Marshall of TPM:

"8:08 PM ... What GOP operative masterminded holding this debate at the Kodak theater with a bunch of movie stars in the audience?"

Seriously. What was the venue decision meeting like?

CNN PRODUCER: "Here's what I'm going to do for you. You tell me where you want to hold the Republican presidential debate, and we'll do it."
REPUBLICAN OPERATIVE: "Anywhere? Wow. Even the Ronald Reagan library?"
CNN PRODUCER: "You got it. What else do you want?"
REPUBLICAN OPERATIVE: "Uh...midway through the debate, could you bring out one of Reagan's diaries, so we can further worship Our Savior and Holy Father?"
CNN PRODUCER: "I'm going to do you one better. Not only will we bring out one of Reagan's diaries, I'll program Anderson Cooper to say "I'm a little too nervous to actually even touch it, but that is Ronald Reagan's original diary."
REPUBLICAN OPERATIVE: "Program?"
CNN PRODUCER: "Yeah. He's a robot. That's why his hair is white. Silicone gets like that in a sun."
REPUBLICAN OPERATIVE: "Wow. Well, thank you. This is so much more than I expected."
CNN PRODUCER: "Whoa, hold on there. We're not done yet. Where do you want to hold the Democratic presidential debate?"
REPUBLICAN OPERATIVE: "Are you being serious?"
CNN PRODUCER: "Yeah. Shoot."
REPUBLICAN OPERATIVE: "Okay. I'll play along. I want you to have the debate...in Hollywood. In the Kodak theater, where they hold the Academy Awards. Oh, and no regular people in the first 10 rows. Just rich, obnoxious Hollywood celebrities whose very countenance will remind middle America of the phrase 'Hollywood liberal.' "
CNN PRODUCER: "As good as done." [yells] "Cooper-Bot, get in here!"
ANDERSON COOPER-BOT: "YES, MASTER."
CNN PRODUCER: "Cooper-Bot, you're going to the Reagan library, Before you go, tell Wolf-Bot he's going to Hollywood. And make sure he's loaded his Obnoxious Goading sub-routine. If he doesn't start a fight between Clinton and Obama, he's scrapped."
ANDERSON COOPER-BOT: "RIGHT AWAY, MASTER."
REPUBLICAN OPERATIVE: "Wow. Robot technology has progressed so far in 30 years."
CNN PRODUCER: "You've seen a robot before?"
REPUBLICAN OPERATIVE: "Hello? Reagan fan here."

What Is McCain Snorting?

No, he didn't say something stupid. I ask because he's 71, and he says during the campaign season he wakes us at 6:00 A.M., and goes to bed at 1:00 A.M.

I'm 31, and that's a full five hours less than my ideal sleep time. I'm a firm believer in that when creating schedule, there should be one A.M., and one P.M. Two of each means you either aren't getting enough sleep or are narcoleptic.

The presidential campaign does nothing but remind me of how unqualified I am to be President. I can't even fantasize about being President anymore. I envision myself speaking to a crowd and I think: "Ugh, I don't want to shake all these people's hands. I'm going to bed."

I'm suspicious of everyone running for President. The job itself is slightly less worse than the process to get it. It's stressful, insular, and erodes whatever ethics or principles one may have had entering politics. If you do a really good job, 55% of people will like you. If you do a great job, you get assassinated.

There has to be a better way to obtain power. You know those six mysterious bankers that supposedly control the entire world? One of them has to die sometime. Why not aim for being one of them? There has to be a cadre of backup bankers somewhere, waiting to step in when one of the original six dies. That backup banker could be you.

Better yet, get five of your banking friends and hold a press conference declaring that you all are The Six. What are the mysterious bankers going to do, come out of hiding? They're Mysterious. They don't do that. Just issue terse, cryptic statements after events like when oil hit $100 a barrel ("If only the world didn't disappoint us.") and enough people will start believing you have power that you will have power.

Chutzpah goes a long way. I am convinced this is how Paris Hilton became a celebrity. She crashed a ritzy party and everyone was too embarrassed to admit they didn't know who she was. There was one dicey conversation ("I didn't invite her. Did you invite her." "No. I thought you did." "Maybe...Carl invited her?" "I guess.") and then she was home free.

To tie this back to the original subject, I suspect McCain will win the Republican nomination. My astute political reasoning behind my belief is that the other five Republican candidates are douche bags.

To be more specific: jerk, fear mongerer, devoid of integrity, doesn't believe in evolution, and not really a douche bag, but seriously, the gold standard? "FEDERAL RESERVE: The economy needs more money. Quick, get a pick ax!"

The other candidates each have at least one huge flaw, so I think McCain will win. I also think he would make the best President out of the Republican candidates, so that's a good thing, even if it makes the general election more difficult for the Democratic nominee. A lot of good can come from competition, and I would rather have two strong candidates running for President than a strong one and a weak one.

Google Trends

Hey, lazy reporters!

Need evidence to support the conclusion you had before you started writing your political horse race piece? Visit Google Trends. It tracks search engine traffic and news references for popular words and phrases.

Google Trends is flexible enough to accommodate a wide-variety of pre-conceived ideas. Isn't it a shame how people care more about celebrities than politicians? Just search for "Paris Hilton, Hillary Clinton." Oops! Hillary got more news references. Better revise the search: "Paris Hilton, Senator Brownback." There we go!

Hey, how does a goat fare against the three main Democratic presidential candidates? Hoo hoo hoo! Politics is silly.

Google Trends is also useful when planning the news cycle during the slow summer months. Should we go with Summer of the Shark, or Summer of the Monkey? Let's check with America first.

Historical Figures Updated for the 21st Century

Abe Link'in: This web site avatar will connect the myriad places on the web with his steadfast leadership and eloquent RSS summaries, before being shot down by a pop-up ad for Viagra.

George Washington Truth Serum: "I cannot tell a lie"...and neither will those stinking terrorists be able to either when they're injected with 500mg of G. W. Truth Serum. Claim you're a legal citizen just trying to run a struggling ethnic restaurant? We'll see what you have to say after having a talk with our founding father. Warning: may cause irreparable nerve and brain damage.

FDR: Franklin Delanor Roosevelt has a "New Deal" for you: insanely low prices on the 2008 Mazda Miatas and hundreds of other of the latest models. You won't be able to get up either once you sit in the new 2008 Toyota Prius. What? The already use Presidents to to sell cars? Jeez. What fucking assholes.

Down With Bears! Vote Colbert!

Steven Colbert is running for President! In one state. I'm moving to South Carolina to vote for him. For one, he's the only Presidential candidate who understands the danger bears pose to our homes, our families, and our way of life. I'm looking at you, Sugar Bear. Two...there is no two. Bears are the gravest threat to humanity in the world. Reason number one is reason number enough to vote for Steven Colbert.

Colbert's presidential announcement

Update: Uh oh. He's already involved in his first scandal.

Before the graveyard...

I wrote a skit and later realized that the premise is inherently flawed. The premise is that Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and a helium balloon are competing for the 2005 Gasbag of the Year Award.

Funny idea, right? But it didn't work, and several drafts and comments from friends later I've come to realize that the premise has contradictions in itself that make it almost impossible to convert into a great skit.

I'm still working the contradictions out, but one of several that I thought of so far is that I'm trying to parody two things at the same time: the personalities of Rush Limbaugh/Bill O'Reilly, and right-wing talk radio. Writing skits with more than one subject just doesn't work.

There is also the choice of the game show format, which requires lots of short responses, and trying to parody Limbaugh and O'Reilly, which I believe requries them to speak for several sentences at a time.

It's an odd notion to me--that a skit can be flawed just because of a poor structure. I've always worked under the idea that in sketch writing, what is important is how the concept is done, not the concept itself. That a truly creative person could find a way to make any premise work. Now I think the premise is at least as important as the writing, possibly more so.

Okay, enough self-absorption. Here's the skit. You may find it amusing, may not.

HOST: "Welcome to the finals of the 2005 American Gasbag Competition. I'm Chuck Sewer. By the end of this night, one of these three talk show hosts will be America's Gasbag of the Year. Let's meet the finalists."

HOST: "A titan of radio and TV, and guardian of the No-Spin Zone: Bill O'Reilly."

O'REILLY: "I'm going to lecture you like I've never lectured before."

HOST: "Always right, never wrong, he puts the left where they belong. Rush Limbaugh."

LIMBAUGH yanks out a bottle of pills and tosses back the whole bottle. As the pills fall, he snaps at them like a mad dog tearing at a piece of meat. Most of the pills miss his face and fall on the floor.

HOST: "And give it up to our returning champion, helium balloon!

BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE."

O'REILLY: "Hey!"

HOST: [laughing] "No win zone, indeed. First up is the lighting round. You will be given a series of topics. Whoever makes the most outrageous statement about it wins. Hands to the buzzer!

BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE."

HOST: "Just vibrate then. First topic. ACLU."

O'REILLY: [buzzer] "Hitler would be a card-carrying ACLU member."
LIMBAUGH: [buzzer] "Hitler? If Hitler had sex with Satan, their baby would be President of the ACLU."
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE."

HOST: "Judges? Helium balloon by a nose!"

RIMBAUGH: "Come on! Who are the judges, the New York Times?"

HOST: "Sorry Rush, but two-headed Hitler-Satan baby that pees evil is the winner. Next topic: The Clintons."

LIMBAUGH: Last week, Hillary Clinton had sex with the two-headed Hitler-Satan baby, "Hitlan".
O'REILLY: "Then she brought a catapult to Iraq and flung aborted babies at our troops.
HOST: "Wow. Helie is stunned squeak-less. Well, let's see who the judges [sees Balloon shaking] Yes?
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE."
O'REILLY: [angry] "Mmph!"
HOST: "Ohhhhhh, my! Can you say that about a woman and a water hose? Another one for H.B. Final topic: the torture at Abu Ghraib."

LIMBAUGH: "It's amazing to me how outraged the libs are about this "scandal." I mean, you ever hear of needing to release some steam?
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEEE.

O'Reilly thinks for a moment.

O'REILLY: "EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE."

HOST: "This round: O'Reilly!"
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE."
LIMBAUGH: "Yeah, he just repeated what he said!"
HOST: "Welcome to the right-wing echo chamber, guys."
O'REILLY: [mocking contestants with echo] "You suck…you suck…you suck…"
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE."
O'REILLY: [covering his chest] "You smear merchant!"
HOST: [laughing] "Oh, Helie. I'm sure O'Reilly has the same number of nipples as everyone else. Let's check the leader board. H.B. is on top with 20, O'Reilly has 10 and Rush is dead last with 0."

HOST: "Next is the all-important skills competition. Your task today is to get our mystery guest to shut up as fast as possible. Let's bring him out. Coming all the way from a back alley behind the CVS down the street. It's…a homeless person."

ELDERLY MAN creeps on stage with cane.

ELDERLY PERSON: "You told me you had food."
HOST: "That's hilarious! Bill, you're first. Go!"
ELDERLY PERSON: "Dear sir, do you have any food?"
O'REILLY: "Who is this joker?"
ELDERLY PERSON: "I'm elderly and cold."
O'REILLY: "Somebody shut his mike off."
ELDERLY PERSON: "I'm so hungry. I wish I had a doughnut."
O'REILLY: " Listen, buddy. You're in the No Spin zone. The only thing you're eating is the truth."
ELDERLY PERSON: "Can I have gravy with the truth?"
O'REILLY: "That's it. Cut his mike. This interview is over. I'm not going to dress you down anymore, out of respect for your father."
ELDERLY PERSON: "My father's 93. He was a pirate. Where is the food? I'm--(mouths rest of sentence)
HOST: "34 seconds! That might be good enough for first place. The mike cut-off comes through again."
ELDERLY PERSON: "But my name is Henry."

HOST: "Isn't he adorable? Rush, you're next. You'll need to be 34 seconds for a chance to win. Go!"
LIMBAUGH: "Woah, woah, woah. Hold on here. What on God's Earth is a "homeless" person?"
HOST: "It's a person without a home."
LIMBAUGH: "Well, what's he doing here? Tell him to go home."
ELDERLY PERSON: "Can I have an orange?"
HOST: "He can't. He's homeless."
LIMBAUGH: "Huh?"
HOST: "He's HOME-less."
LIMBAUGH: [long pause] "I don't get it."
HOST: "Mmm…I'm going to have to disqualify you. Sorry, Rush."
ELDERLY PERSON: "I have scurvy."

HOST: "Maybe our reigning champion can help you out. Helie, are you ready?"
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE."
HOST: "Go!"
ELDERLY PERSON: "My stomach is eating itself."
BALLOON: " EEE-EEE."
ELDERLY PERSON: "Really? You will?
BALLOON: " EEE-EEE."
ELDERLY PERSON: "Thank you! He's going to buy me dinner."
BALLOON: " EEE-EEE."
ELDERLY PERSON: "You love me?
BALLOON: " EEE-EEE."
ELDERLY PERSON: "[tears up] Oh! You want to give me a hug! Thank you! It's been so long.
BALLOON: " EEE-EEE."

ELDERLY PERSON shuffles over to balloon. When he grasps the balloon for a hug, it attacks the elderly man, beating him senseless.

ELDERLY PERSON: "AHH! AHH!"

HOST: "[horrified] Helie. You…killed him. In cold blood. You just killed him…and beat out O'Reilly time with 33 sec.! Helium Balloon retains his crown! This has been the 2005 American Gas Bag Competition. Good night!

About that hatred towards Muslims we had after 9/11...

It's still there! 44 percent of Americans favor curtailing some liberties for Muslim Americans! 27 percent of respondents said that all Muslim Americans should be required to register their location with the federal government! 71 percent of Americans can add 44 and 27!

After reading this study, coming out over three years after 9/11, let me be the first one to say this: whew. One of my problems with America is that we never stick with our ethnic groups. We had a great run with the blacks, but after them, nothing.

Remember that brief period in the 80s when we were throwing cinder blocks through the windshields of Toyotas and bashing the doors of Hyundais with baseball bats? Two months later, the streets of Detroit had a few leftover shards of glass, a Japanese cabinet member had to dry clean his suit, and we're all playing Nintendo.

McCarthyism was an eight-year joke. And we've barely got three decades out of the gays before they got Will and Grace.

"But what about the interment camps in WWII?" What about them? We went through all that trouble rounding up Japanese-American citizens, transporting them to remote areas, putting them into barbed-wire camps. Then the war ends and we let them out!

No commitment whatsoever. That's why I'm encouraged by this trend of consistent, irrational hatred towards Muslims. It provides a solid base to build on and bodes well for the future. And I hate to be premature, but Muslims have several innate characteristics that may make them the 21st century's hottest oppressed minority:

1) Dark skin.
2) Religious, but the wrong one.
3) Several decades of prep work as terrorists in movies.
4) Yet to appear in Gap ad.
5) Women sexy enough to protect? Who knows?
6) Popularity in other countries makes it easier to tell them "Go back home!" (as opposed to Native Americans).

And all of this is without a terrorist attack since 9/11. One attack a decade, a few more right-wing broadcasters, and we could be looking back to the good ol' days where gays got beat up for who they are, not what they say they are. Where the Confederate flag flew proudly in all the Southern states and not just most of them. And where segregation stayed in the place where it belonged: federal and state Constitutions (thanks for keeping it real, Alabama!)

Debate Wars

Michele, my sister, the one who visits my web page (in other words, the good sister) sent me this very funny link.

...

All I have to say about the debate tonight is that George Bush likes the No Child Left Behind Act.

Really, really, really likes the No Child Left Behind Act.

If the No Child Left Behind Act were a woman, George would stroke her hair, soft as rose-petals, and whipser into her ear, "Baby, you're the only one for me."

Dick and Rummy would visit less often. They would come over to shoot some hoops, Cheney in a loose-fitting muscle T with the head hole stretched out, Rummy with the ball and a blue scrunchie around his forehead.

Dick would ask, "You meet that guy who moved in yesterday, Minimum Wayge? He's seems kind of creepy" and George would flutter his eyelids and say, "Yeah, she's beautiful."

Rummy would roll his eyes. "What's wrong with you, G? You used to be part of the crew. Cold chilling and all that. Now all you do with talk about is her. If you like her so much, why don't you marry her?"

But Rummy's words were lost from the beginning because they fell upon the ears of a deaf man. A man in love.

Dred Scott = Roe v. Wade?

I would have never, ever figured this out on my own. Here's the scary explanation behind President Bush's reference to Dred Scott in the 2nd debate. And one of many examples showing the point.

It makes me wonder what other ostentatiously-stupid phrases or verbal gaffes he's said that are actually crafty political code to the extremist part of his base.

"need some wood?" = "sometimes you gotta slap the kids around"

"hard work" = "beating up women who had a abortion"

"is my time up yet?" = "Kerry supports assisted suicide"

[responding to a question on national security]
"Well, we'll talk about the tax cut for middle class here in a minute" = "The earpiece tells all"

"I hear there's rumors on the Internets" = "They must never find out about the secret Internet"

"I'm human" = "I need another power cell"

All Your Votes Are Belong To Us

These stump speeches for Bush and Kerry are both very funny.

Funny Debate Comments from Wonkette

I laughed several times. (link works for all Internets)

Pre-Debate Analysis

I love calling the crap I write analysis. It makes me feel big and important. I'm going to rename my blog and tell people I work as an analyst:

PERSON: "What do you do?"
ME: "I'm an analyst."
PERSON: "Oh! What think thank do you work for?"
ME: "Um...the Center for Strategery and Important International Relationships Foundation Board Center (dot com)."
PERSON: "How did you do that?"
ME: "Do what?"
PERSON: "Speak in parentheses."
ME: "It's one of our strategeries."

So, the big debate is tonight. Grab a beer, a bowl of popcorn, and pray that no one from a Bush rally sneaks in and poses as an undecided voter.

"UNDECIDED" VOTER: "President Bush. A President needs to face the public regularly and give frank answer to tough questions. In that spirit, I ask you this: Why does God love you so much? Also, do you think the terrorists will win and God will smite us if Kerry is elected, or do you just think the terrorist will win?"

Actually, there will be no self-identified undecided voters in the audience. It is made up of "soft supporters," people selected by the Gallup who are leaning towards a candidate but say they may switch sides. Which is good, because the percentage of people that identified themselves as undecided in the last Gallup poll is 0, and an audience of undecided voters would have to be made up of trolls, pixies, elves, and talking unicorns.

UNICORN: "Mr. President, I--"
PRESIDENT BUSH: "I know you! You're the unicorn that gives me advice in my dreams."
UNICORN: "Uh, yeah…"
KARL ROVE: [hissing from back stage] Sir! That's me with a strap-on dildo on my head. You fell asleep at the briefing last week. There was no other way.

To go on a tangent for a bit, ………..visit Pancake City tonight for the most important Presidential debate poll on the web!

(My traffic doubled the night after the first debate from people looking to vote in online polls.)

Although I'm not going to actually have a poll……………I do hope people visit to vote on the performances of President Bush and Kerry, both of whom said many key words in their responses, responses that were broadcasted by major news organizations, which followed the debate with important online polls.

Back to my expert analysis of tonight's debate. (This is a good moment to thank my boss Ralph, the executive director at CSIIR-FBC, for giving me the time to share my analysis with you.)

Obviously, both sides try to manage expectations so they can influence the post-debate coverage. But President Bush is at the end of one of the worst weeks in his Presidency.

And he has never been in a situation where the pressure was on him to perform well. The expectation he set for himself (and got the media to accept) in the 2000 debates was, "Golly gee, I hope I don't get crushed by this slick Washington insider, whose nickname, I've heard, is Double-Down Demosthenes."

So there's this conflict between low and high expectations. In one way, the expectations for Bush have never been lower. He's going to do better because he can't do any worse. It's almost impossible.

What's he going to do, demand to answer a question and then pause for 15 seconds instead of five? Repeat phrases 18 times instead of 17? Bush repeated "hard work" so often in the last debate he sounded like he had Tourette's.

So the post-debate analysis "the President did better this time" is a given. But because reality finally gathered a few of his friends and bum rushed the bouncer, he has a lot of political damage to cover. The expectations for him are also high because of necessity. His campaign expects him to do well because they need him to do well. But because many of Kerry's rhetorical blows are based on what the Bush administration calls the R word, it puts him in the difficult position of mounting a defense that requires denying even a base acknowledgement of facts.

In other words, reality bites, and if the audience asks decent questions and Kerry attacks well again, it will be probably be too much for Bush to overcome.

Pancake City: Predictor of the Future

It looks like the media is getting a head start.

From the exclusive Pancake City poll:

After the Presidential debate this Thursday, the press will:

interview ten audience members after the debate, and quote the person whose comment can be fitted into the story they wrote the night before.

say: "Both candidates made misstatements and distorted their opponent's position. Hey, did you catch our monkey story?"

Come on, monkey story!

QotD

"If Bin Laden shows up in October, somebody better check him for freezer burn." (source, first comment)

You know, if Bush actually figured out a way to deep freeze someone--and I mean Bush himself, not the administration--if President Bush figured out how to freeze Osama and defrost him so he looks recently alive, I'd vote for him, because that's pretty damn cool.

Maybe the instant popularity Osama bin Laden's capture would bring is why many editorialists are chatting about a soon-to-be-released movie that may change the election: "Weekend at Bernie's 4--All the President's Men".

Synopsis: To secure his re-election, President Bush attempts to reanimate Osama bin Laden, captured and frozen in June 2002. But after announcing the capture to the public, the President hits "cook" instead of "defrost", and Osama's flaming beard becomes only the first of his problems.

Sample scene: Congressional hearing on terrorism.
BUSH: "See? It's him. He's being very stubborn, so don't bother asking questions. If that's all, I'll just..."
JOE BIDEN: "Wait a minute. Osama, why is there duct tape under your arm pit?"
BUSH [falsetto, pulling Osama's mouth with a string]: "Uh...because I like John Kerry?"
Dennis Hastert: "That's him, all right!"

(If you visit the Dennis Hastert link, keep in mind this is the man two degrees from the Presidency in case the President dies in office.)

Anyone remember...

...the last time the terror alert level was green?

At least 9/11 didn't happen in 1952. The calm color would have been white, and it would have escalated several shades of grey up to a dangerous black.

The blue to red color scheme we use is appropriate. One, it is consistent with the scheme for traffic lights, although at red lights most people don't pee in their pants. Two, Democrats come from blue states, and Democrats are pussies about terrorism. They think the world is calm and Osama bin Laden is prancing around the daisy field. "La la la!" sings Osama. "I hope George W. Bush wins. Then John Kerry will hold a bake sale for my next al Qaeda recruitment drive. Dick Cheney said so. I love Kerry's brownies."

Yes, that is what Democrats think. But the third reason the terror alert color scheme is ideal surpasses the first two. It matches the spectrum of the rainbow. The terror alert system, in addition to protecting us from terrorist attacks through its irritating shades of orange and red, is also a gay alert system:

Gay people are A-OK.
Gay people help us dress.
I like the funny gays, but not the ones that have sex.
Dem people are going to destroy marriage like a pink Godzilla on Tokyo!
We need Alan Keyes as President.

The system ties in nicely with the red and blue states, doesn't it?

Presidential Debate Poll

B
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After the Presidential debate this Thursday, the press will:
cite the lack of a 10-point swing in Kerry's favor the next day as a clear sign his candidacy is doomed.
interview ten audience members after the debate, and quote the person whose comment can be fitted into the story they wrote the night before.
follow a 30 sec. story on the debate with a report on how two monkeys got into a fight in a zoo yesterday and flung poo at each other, wink wink.
embrace the views of post-debate commentators who will use their mind-link with the American public to tell us why the public just doesn't like Kerry.
carefully research and analyze each candidate's claims, and if one candidate distorts the truth more than the other, courageously tell it how it is.
say: "Both candidates made misstatements and distorted their opponent's position. Hey, did you catch our monkey story?"
run stories implying that Kerry deserves to lose because he's not willing to play dirty enough.
run an editorial titled, "Why does John Kerry want to have sex with Osama bin Laden?" (Wash. Times only)
Current results

Fear the Billionaires

Have you ever seen such a scared baby?

You may have heard of Billionaires for Bush, a parody protest group whose members follow the Bush campaign around, dress in ball gowns and suits, and shouts messages like “Thank you, little working people, for paying our taxes.”

As political commentary, it's too witty and roundabout to influence anyone's opinions, but as political comedy the group is hilarious.

They just released a music video with a catchy song and surprisingly professional production values (link from atrios). It's entertaining.

The O'Stewart Factor

I'm stealing Wonkette's title. I can't think of a better one.

Jon Stewart appeared on The O'Reilly Factor recently. The interview is hilarious.

President Bush's Acceptance Speech Excerpts

First Kerry bashing, now Bush bashing. I transcribed parts of President Bush's acceptance speech over the weekend but haven't have time to post them until now.

Tonight we set a new goal: 7 million more affordable homes in the next 10 years, so more American families will be able to open the door and say, "Welcome to my home." Then, they will be able to open their dishwasher and say, "This is my dishwasher." And "This is my cabinet" and "This is my floor. I like to stand on my floor."


We must strengthen Social Security by allowing younger workers to save some of their taxes in a personal account, a nest egg you can call your own and government can never take away.

AL GORE: "Kind of like putting it in a lock box?"
BUSH: "Yes, like--no, no!"


Anyone who wants more details on my agenda can find them online. The web address is not very imaginative, but it's easy to remember: dickcheneyisashemale.com.



Because religious charities provide a safety net of mercy and compassion, our government must never discriminate against them. Unless these charities are trying to marry mercy and compassion, and mercy and compassion are both dudes.


Now, there are some problems with this claim. If you say the heart and soul of America is found in Hollywood, I'm afraid you are not the candidate of conservative values.
ARNOLD [sobbing]: "No-bahdy loves me."


In Afghanistan, terrorists have done everything they can to intimidate people, yet more than 10 million citizens have registered to vote in the October presidential election, a resounding endorsement for democracy. And there are only an estimated 9.8 million eligible voters. I hope our presidential election doesn't suffer from that kind of fraud [wink, wink].


[talking about the decision to go to war against Iraq]

And I faced the kind of decision that comes only to the Oval Office, a decision no president would ask for, but must be prepared to make: Do I forget the lessons of September 11th and take the word of a madman, or do I take action to defend our country?

(August 7, 2001...)
[ring, ring]
BUSH: "Hello?"
BIN LADEN: "Hello Bushie."
BUSH: "Who is this?"
BIN LADEN: "Osama bin Laden."
BUSH: ...
BIN LADEN: "I organized the bombing on the U.S.S. Cole."
BUSH: ...
BIN LADEN: "The World Trade Center bombing?"
BUSH: I know you! You're that guy Clinton told me about. You're a bad guy.
BIN LADEN: A bad guy? Would a bad guy call to let you know that he's not going to commit terrorist attacks ever again?
BUSH: You're not?
BIN LADEN: Nope. I'm hanging up the C4. Shaving the beard. Raiding the harem and heading to Bermuda.
BUSH: That's good. Cause I'm not going to have anything bad happen on my watch. I'm the President.
BIN LADEN: Well, now you have nothing to worry about. Especially not next month. [snicker]
BUSH: "Wait a minute. [Bush removes a pamphlet from a drawer with the title, "National Security Briefing, "Special Edition." He unfolds the pamphlet. Inside is an image of Rumplestilksten, =, and a picture of Osama bin Laden.] I knew it! You're trying to take my baby! And my baby is [Bush looks at opposite page of pamphlet. There is a picture of a baby, =, and a map of America] my gun. You can't have my gun. It's mine. That's why it's my gun.
BIN LADEN: Bushie, come one. You have to trust me. Take my word for it.
BUSH: I don't think so. Aren't you a madman?
BIN LADEN: Well, if you read The New York Times, yes.
BUSH: Laura said never take the word of a madman. Madman, bad man. That's why they rhyme."
BIN LADEN: You know what else rhymes with madman?
BUSH: What?
BIN LADEN: Ice-cream man.
BUSH: But I love ice-cream. You ever try that Buffalo Bill with the bubblegum nose? I like to bite his nose off and say, "Gotcha!"
BIN LADEN: And if you love ice-cream, that means you love me.
BUSH: Does it? [Bush looks at pamphlet, doesn't find anything helpful] Well, tell you what. Cross your fingers, hope to die?
BIN LADEN: Well, I'd prefer if my associates died. But sure, what the heck.
BUSH: Okay. I believe you. But don't even think of double-crossing me, or I'm going to blow up your entire country.
BIN LADEN: [worried] You're going to destroy Afghanistan?
BUSH: No, Iraq. I thought you live in Iraq.
BIN LADEN: No, I live in…yes. I live in Iraq.