It’s difficult to feel intimidated by the words “freezing drizzle”.
The weather forecaster sells it the best that she can. She furrows her brow, lowers her voice, and cautions people to be very, very careful. But it’s like trying to warn someone of a dangerous clown. “Stop laughing! He’s an EVIL clown. His balloon dogs have horns.”
Perhaps if the weather forecaster drew out the ‘freezing’ part and zipped through the ‘drizzle’, the warning would be more effective. “I strongly urge everyone to be extremely careful. There a 30% of fur-ree-zeeeing rzl today.”
January 31, 2003
Hardest Conversation in the World
"Dad, I have a big favor to ask you. Things are really rough right now. Can I borrow some money?"
“Sure, son. How much do you need?”
“99 billion.”
“WHAT? What do you need 99 billion dollars for?”
“It’s really complicated.”
“This has something to do with those Case and Turner boys, doesn’t it?”
“Dad—“
“I told you not to hang out with them.”
“Look, I don’t need a lecture! I just need 99 billion dollars.”
“Sure, son. How much do you need?”
“99 billion.”
“WHAT? What do you need 99 billion dollars for?”
“It’s really complicated.”
“This has something to do with those Case and Turner boys, doesn’t it?”
“Dad—“
“I told you not to hang out with them.”
“Look, I don’t need a lecture! I just need 99 billion dollars.”
January 30, 2003
Lying About Robots College
I called Montgomery College's bookstore, located in Maryland, a few days ago. The voicemail rattled off a list of choices. Just as I was about to press '2' and miss the opportunity of a lifetime, I heard,
"Press 0 to speak to an automated attendant."
Automated attendant? A robot! The future is here! I almost ejaculated over my collection of Issac Asimov books. 0, 0, 0!
"There is no automated attendant this time."
Hold on a minute. Now, I don't know a lot about robots. But I do know that they work 23/7, with an hour to lube them and to check that they haven't gone crazy.
Do you see what MC is doing? They're posing regular employees as robots and, we can deduce, forcing them to talk in stilted voices and wave their arms in a worried manner.
That's wrong for robots, and even more wrong for non-robots. It's also something I cannot watch while sitting idly by.
"
Subject: 01000001001000000110001101101111011011010111
00000110110001100001011010010110111001110100
[translate]
Dear Ms. Tammy Shawver,
I recently called your bookstore and was shocked, surprised, saddened, chagrined, flummoxed, and anti-delighted to find that you tease customers with the siren's call of the future but do not indeed deliver.
I am of course talking about your claim to "Press 0 to speak to an automated attendant", i.e. a robot. Yet when I pressed 0--repeatedly--the promised robot was not to be found.
I ask you, where is the robot? Where is Tibor, Robby, R2D2, Data, Number 5, Crow T., Gorog, or Vicki? Where is the rigid thinking, the tender humanity? The beeps, the boops, and most of all, the blips.
This is the moment to define yourself. Are you Montgomery College, or Lying About Robots College? Do you have a B.S. in engineering, or a B.A. in BS? Do you have a master's degree in truth, or an honorary doctorate in deception?
Please employ real robots in your store as soon as possible. Robots are our friends and we should not deny them a place in our society. I AM NOT A NUT. Nuts don't realize the possibility that they are nuts.
Sincerely,
Cashew Johnson
Cybersquatter of the Day Update #3 (final)
The response...
"Wow, now that's a retirement letter!
We don't have any positions but keep in touch!"
I will Igotmail.net. I will.
"Wow, now that's a retirement letter!
We don't have any positions but keep in touch!"
I will Igotmail.net. I will.
January 29, 2003
Cybersquatter of the Day Update #2
I'm going to hell...I sent this email a few minutes ago (background here).
"TED LEONSIS IS A DICK!!!!
J. here again. I used my hotmail account so my boss wouldn’t find out my birthday surprise to the big guy. (The security department pervs here monitor all our email. One of the guys there is a real ASSAOLe: Always Ogling Ladies email.)
It turns out they were monitoring my Hotmail too! My boss gets my email to you guys and forwards it to Ted Leonsis (DICK!!!).
Then the dude calls me in his office! I’m expecting him to smack me down some happy rays for planning the surprise gift for him, But he looks all mad and constipated, like when the Caps lose. He says,
“Why were you planning on buying me, ‘www.igotmail.net’?”
“You know, cause it’s like ‘You got mail’ but better, because it’s you. I mean, I.”
He gets up and leans forward on his arms. “I make $55 million dollars a year. If I need a crappy domain name from a marginally talented ass-kisser, I’ll buy it myself.”
See? Complete DICK. He doesn’t even make sense. He can’t kiss his own ass.
If you’re wondering why I’m writing this at work from my hotmail account, it’s because I QUIT! Go ahead James, forward it to Mr. Leonsis. Forward it to the whole company. I don’t care. You’re worse than Sheryl and my good-for-nothing dog. And I slept with your wife.
LEONSIS, I hope Ollie the Goalie gets Colie Cancer.
So I guess I can’t buy the domain name, but I hope you have good luck selling it…TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T WORK AT AOL.
Later,
Jason
P.S. Are you guys hiring? I’m really good at software programming. You know the AOL icon of the little person running? I wrote a script that makes him do jumping jacks."
"TED LEONSIS IS A DICK!!!!
J. here again. I used my hotmail account so my boss wouldn’t find out my birthday surprise to the big guy. (The security department pervs here monitor all our email. One of the guys there is a real ASSAOLe: Always Ogling Ladies email.)
It turns out they were monitoring my Hotmail too! My boss gets my email to you guys and forwards it to Ted Leonsis (DICK!!!).
Then the dude calls me in his office! I’m expecting him to smack me down some happy rays for planning the surprise gift for him, But he looks all mad and constipated, like when the Caps lose. He says,
“Why were you planning on buying me, ‘www.igotmail.net’?”
“You know, cause it’s like ‘You got mail’ but better, because it’s you. I mean, I.”
He gets up and leans forward on his arms. “I make $55 million dollars a year. If I need a crappy domain name from a marginally talented ass-kisser, I’ll buy it myself.”
See? Complete DICK. He doesn’t even make sense. He can’t kiss his own ass.
If you’re wondering why I’m writing this at work from my hotmail account, it’s because I QUIT! Go ahead James, forward it to Mr. Leonsis. Forward it to the whole company. I don’t care. You’re worse than Sheryl and my good-for-nothing dog. And I slept with your wife.
LEONSIS, I hope Ollie the Goalie gets Colie Cancer.
So I guess I can’t buy the domain name, but I hope you have good luck selling it…TO SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T WORK AT AOL.
Later,
Jason
P.S. Are you guys hiring? I’m really good at software programming. You know the AOL icon of the little person running? I wrote a script that makes him do jumping jacks."
Pancake Town's First Contest!
Hey everybody!
I am pleased to announce what I hope will be the first in a long series of Pancake Town contests.
What's the contest? The first child molestor to post his or her contact information in the comments will get a small gift pack, mostly zany trinkets and odds and ends.
Practicing child molestors only. And if you're not first, still leave a note because I will randomly select a runner-up from the remaining entries.
Thanks for reading, and if you don't win, worry not. More contests are on the way!
I am pleased to announce what I hope will be the first in a long series of Pancake Town contests.
What's the contest? The first child molestor to post his or her contact information in the comments will get a small gift pack, mostly zany trinkets and odds and ends.
Practicing child molestors only. And if you're not first, still leave a note because I will randomly select a runner-up from the remaining entries.
Thanks for reading, and if you don't win, worry not. More contests are on the way!
Who Wants $20?
As part of a class action lawsuit, a collection of music and companies (e.g. Sony, Tower Records) is giving $5-$20 to anyone who has bought a CD between 1995 and 2000. No proof needed. The settlement amount depends on the number of people who apply. If more than 8.8 million people apply, individual payments won't be made and all the money will be donated to non-profits. Info here, apply here.
I'm using my money to buy lunch so I can throw it at an economist.
ME: "You know how I could afford to throw a steak sandwich at you? Because it was a free lunch! Free, free, FREE! How does irony taste, economDICK?"
ECONOMIST: "Actually, it tastes very tender and juicy, with a subtle smokiness that enriches the aroma."
ME: "Give me my lunch back."
ECONOMIST: "$5."
I'm using my money to buy lunch so I can throw it at an economist.
ME: "You know how I could afford to throw a steak sandwich at you? Because it was a free lunch! Free, free, FREE! How does irony taste, economDICK?"
ECONOMIST: "Actually, it tastes very tender and juicy, with a subtle smokiness that enriches the aroma."
ME: "Give me my lunch back."
ECONOMIST: "$5."
A Few Observations About the State of the Union Address
1. When describing how America has killed some terrorists, Bush said: “Let's put it this way: They are no longer a problem to the United States and our friends and allies.”
Bush must have gotten that line from that bad movie he doesn’t want to see again…
BAD GUY1: “What did you do with the school teacher?”
BAD GUY2: “Let’s just say she was…erased.”
BAD GUYS 1+2: “HA HA HA HA HA…”
PIZZA BOY: “Pizza here!”
BAD GUY 1: “Snake, do you have a $20?”
BAD GUY 2: “I’m out Boss.”
BAD GUY 1: “Then escort him outside and make a ‘special delivery.’ ”
BAD GUYS 1+2: “HA HA HA HA HA…”
BAD GUY 1: “Where’d he go?”
PIZZA BOY: [running away] “This pawn isn’t dying for Pizza Castle!”
2. I wish there was a less derogatory way of saying this, but when Laura Bush applauds, she looks like a seal. The way she squishes her face, puffs her chest, and slaps her wrists together in a rainbow—all signs point to seal. Not a trained water park seal, but a natural one, a seal emerging from an icy dip in the ocean and surprised by a 400-watt spotlight shining on her face from a helicopter crammed with gawking tourists.
3. How many times did Congress applaud during the State of the Union address?
a) 26 times
b) 44 times
c) 73 times
d) Not enough! Less talking, more applauding.
4. This headline was on the Washington Post’s web site for half an hour after Bush’s address. “President Brings America To the Brink of War.” A bit of an overstatement, to put it generously.
I wonder if, as a reward for staying up late, the Washington Post lets its editors put up any headline they want for the first half-hour after the speech. I wish I visited the site during the first five minutes…“President Boards Plane to Baghdad, Shoots Big Wad Over Palace of Cad, Makes Dad Glad, Hussein Mad, Peace Protesters Sad?”
Answer to #3: c.
Bush must have gotten that line from that bad movie he doesn’t want to see again…
BAD GUY1: “What did you do with the school teacher?”
BAD GUY2: “Let’s just say she was…erased.”
BAD GUYS 1+2: “HA HA HA HA HA…”
PIZZA BOY: “Pizza here!”
BAD GUY 1: “Snake, do you have a $20?”
BAD GUY 2: “I’m out Boss.”
BAD GUY 1: “Then escort him outside and make a ‘special delivery.’ ”
BAD GUYS 1+2: “HA HA HA HA HA…”
BAD GUY 1: “Where’d he go?”
PIZZA BOY: [running away] “This pawn isn’t dying for Pizza Castle!”
2. I wish there was a less derogatory way of saying this, but when Laura Bush applauds, she looks like a seal. The way she squishes her face, puffs her chest, and slaps her wrists together in a rainbow—all signs point to seal. Not a trained water park seal, but a natural one, a seal emerging from an icy dip in the ocean and surprised by a 400-watt spotlight shining on her face from a helicopter crammed with gawking tourists.
3. How many times did Congress applaud during the State of the Union address?
a) 26 times
b) 44 times
c) 73 times
d) Not enough! Less talking, more applauding.
4. This headline was on the Washington Post’s web site for half an hour after Bush’s address. “President Brings America To the Brink of War.” A bit of an overstatement, to put it generously.
I wonder if, as a reward for staying up late, the Washington Post lets its editors put up any headline they want for the first half-hour after the speech. I wish I visited the site during the first five minutes…“President Boards Plane to Baghdad, Shoots Big Wad Over Palace of Cad, Makes Dad Glad, Hussein Mad, Peace Protesters Sad?”
Answer to #3: c.
January 28, 2003
Cybersquatter of the Day Update #1
"Hi Jason, regarding "igotmail.net",
Go ahead and make us an offer and we will tell you if you are in the ballpark.
As soon as we receive payment (Paypal, Qchex, Visa or Mastercard) we will transfer it to you the same day.
Sincerely,
[ ] "
Cursed! They're using the "Never make an offer first" tactic. What should I offer them? $100? A child? My love? Email me your suggestions. I'll respond to them in a few days. Here's how I delayed them:
"Need to run, dog kidnapped (thing with wife, long story). Sorry! Will make offer soon."
Go ahead and make us an offer and we will tell you if you are in the ballpark.
As soon as we receive payment (Paypal, Qchex, Visa or Mastercard) we will transfer it to you the same day.
Sincerely,
[ ] "
Cursed! They're using the "Never make an offer first" tactic. What should I offer them? $100? A child? My love? Email me your suggestions. I'll respond to them in a few days. Here's how I delayed them:
"Need to run, dog kidnapped (thing with wife, long story). Sorry! Will make offer soon."
Fairy Tales
In earlier centuries, one of the roles of children stories was to warn kids of child predators (Little Red Riding Hood, Hansel and Gretel...) After I wrote Spider Songs (previous post), I felt like it was echoing a poem I read before, so I searched the web (Ha!).
Remember "The Spider and the Fly"? I think that's the poem that was influencing me. I completely missed the child predator subtext in it when I was a kid. It's a real treat to reread a childhood tale and realize it's more rich than when you first read it.
Remember "The Spider and the Fly"? I think that's the poem that was influencing me. I completely missed the child predator subtext in it when I was a kid. It's a real treat to reread a childhood tale and realize it's more rich than when you first read it.
Spider Songs
As I was leafing through the phone book, I spotted this message from the Hello Answering Service. "Thanks to you, it's been over 75 years."
Finally. Validation for my theory that I led two past lives, one as a newspaper boy from 1917-1931, until I was gunned down in the streets of Chicago by pressuring Capone's righthand man to buy a copy of the Sentinel. 'Come on, Mister." I pleaded. "It's the story of the year!" I yelled the headline: "CAPONE ARRESTED FOR TAX FRAUD! AND HE'S A PUSSY!"
In my second life, 1933-1974 (two-year new life waiting period), I worked as a struggling web page designer. I would gather spiders in the wood, increase their intelligence by dipping them in mercury (pharmacist's instructions), and wait for them to spin pages of elegant poetry. The plan worked beautifully. One of their poems:
Meat with Wings
Hello, Meat with Wings.
How I would like to meet you
to whisper in your ear,
come near, come near.
Love I will bring,
songs I will sing,
as I massage your wings
and caress you, dear.
You are so much more
than Meat with Wings.
Come near, come near.
I gathered their poems for a collection, "64 poems by 8 spiders and a water insect who looks like a spider, and writes more beautifully than the spiders, at least until they ate him".
As the 64th poem was being composed, a young bum knocked on my door and asked if I knew of a place he could stay on that rainy night. Before I could answer, he said "Thanks", walked in with his muddy shoes and fell asleep on my couch.
We chatted when he woke to raid my fridge. He was gone the next day with my spiders and my poems. That bum, Jack Kerouac, stole my life's work, added some drug references, and became famous. I attended all his readings and gave him the evil eye until his death in 1969. I succumbed five years later to toxic poisoning.Cybersquatter of the Day
Igotmail.com
“Igotmail.com!
J-Dog here. You got mail and I got money! I’m a systems programmer at AOL in Virginia, trying to make it up the corporate ladder. It’s the big man’s birthday next week (Ted Leonsis) and I want to get him this domain name as a gift.
Here’s how I picture it. He starts AOL. The system goes, “You got mail.” He responds, “I got mail!” Then he reads my email: “And I got you a web site, big man!” Boom! I get a promotion and a raise more bloated than the betaware I’m programming.
How much are you selling the name for? Can you get it to me in a week or less? Respond quickly please!
Thanks,
Jason”
Note 1: I sent the above email to Igotmail.net because they openly beg for a buyer, while Igotmail.com is registered but unhosted.
Unclaimed Domain Name Gem of the Day
Igotmale.com
As a gay man, I can attest to the lack of quality gay porn on the web. The same person is in all the shots: a hairless, vapid-looking, blonde-hair, blue-eyed lemur who looks like he was once a backup singer for Scorpions. I call him Chuck. Chuck is either lying on a satin pillow with his jeans unzipped or making love to Chuck II (Chuck with a dimple).
Occasionally, Chuck III will walk in on Chuck I and Chuck II, and, after getting over the shock (approximately seven seconds), join in the action. A few minutes, the camera jiggles, and—in what may be an impromptu move—the camera operator, Chuck IV (Chuck I in a brown wig and two dimples) enters the frame.
There just aren’t enough gay people to make good quality porn. We even have to recruit from the straight community. You may have heard of “gay for pay”, straight actors performing in homoerotic videos because it pays better than straight porn.
While I am heartened that some straight people can set their homophobia aside long enough to have their dick sucked for $500, I still hope that pornographers overcome their resistance to investing in the gay market and bring the same sense of competition and professionalism they have brought to the straight porn community. Because what really matters is the porn. And equality in the military, workplace, professional and college sports, marriage, and the media.
Note 2: If the vague images of homosexual sex made you uncomfortable, you can erase those disturbing images be rereading that passage “straightified” (I replaced the Chucks with names of beautiful women).
“As a gay man, I can attest to the lack of quality gay porn on the web. The same person is in all the shots: a hairless, vapid-looking, blonde-hair, blue-eyed lemur who looks like he was once a backup singer for Scorpions. I call him Chuck. Chuck is either lying on a satin pillow with his jeans unzipped or making love to Tia Carrere (Chuck with a dimple).
Occasionally, Sara Michelle Geller will walk in on Chuck I and Tia Carrere, and, after getting over the shock (approximately seven seconds), join in the action. A few minutes, the camera jiggles, and—in what may be an impromptu move—the camera operator, your Grandmother (Chuck I in a brown wig and two breasts down to her knees) enters the frame.”
Have a good night sleep.
“Igotmail.com!
J-Dog here. You got mail and I got money! I’m a systems programmer at AOL in Virginia, trying to make it up the corporate ladder. It’s the big man’s birthday next week (Ted Leonsis) and I want to get him this domain name as a gift.
Here’s how I picture it. He starts AOL. The system goes, “You got mail.” He responds, “I got mail!” Then he reads my email: “And I got you a web site, big man!” Boom! I get a promotion and a raise more bloated than the betaware I’m programming.
How much are you selling the name for? Can you get it to me in a week or less? Respond quickly please!
Thanks,
Jason”
Note 1: I sent the above email to Igotmail.net because they openly beg for a buyer, while Igotmail.com is registered but unhosted.
Unclaimed Domain Name Gem of the Day
Igotmale.com
As a gay man, I can attest to the lack of quality gay porn on the web. The same person is in all the shots: a hairless, vapid-looking, blonde-hair, blue-eyed lemur who looks like he was once a backup singer for Scorpions. I call him Chuck. Chuck is either lying on a satin pillow with his jeans unzipped or making love to Chuck II (Chuck with a dimple).
Occasionally, Chuck III will walk in on Chuck I and Chuck II, and, after getting over the shock (approximately seven seconds), join in the action. A few minutes, the camera jiggles, and—in what may be an impromptu move—the camera operator, Chuck IV (Chuck I in a brown wig and two dimples) enters the frame.
There just aren’t enough gay people to make good quality porn. We even have to recruit from the straight community. You may have heard of “gay for pay”, straight actors performing in homoerotic videos because it pays better than straight porn.
While I am heartened that some straight people can set their homophobia aside long enough to have their dick sucked for $500, I still hope that pornographers overcome their resistance to investing in the gay market and bring the same sense of competition and professionalism they have brought to the straight porn community. Because what really matters is the porn. And equality in the military, workplace, professional and college sports, marriage, and the media.
Note 2: If the vague images of homosexual sex made you uncomfortable, you can erase those disturbing images be rereading that passage “straightified” (I replaced the Chucks with names of beautiful women).
“As a gay man, I can attest to the lack of quality gay porn on the web. The same person is in all the shots: a hairless, vapid-looking, blonde-hair, blue-eyed lemur who looks like he was once a backup singer for Scorpions. I call him Chuck. Chuck is either lying on a satin pillow with his jeans unzipped or making love to Tia Carrere (Chuck with a dimple).
Occasionally, Sara Michelle Geller will walk in on Chuck I and Tia Carrere, and, after getting over the shock (approximately seven seconds), join in the action. A few minutes, the camera jiggles, and—in what may be an impromptu move—the camera operator, your Grandmother (Chuck I in a brown wig and two breasts down to her knees) enters the frame.”
Have a good night sleep.
January 27, 2003
New Matrix Trailer
Pick the joke!
Best part about the new Matrix trailer:
a) Keanu doesn't talk.
b) Laurence Fishburne does talk.
c) Did I mention that Keanu doesn't talk?
Best part about the new Matrix trailer:
a) Keanu doesn't talk.
b) Laurence Fishburne does talk.
c) Did I mention that Keanu doesn't talk?
Why isn't the warning BIGGER?
I received an envelope with the following printed above the address window: “PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE FOR ADDRESSEE ONLY.”
I felt so embarrassed when I read this. All this time, I’ve been opening my roommate’s mail and taking his magazine subscriptions to open mike night at the post office. “LEARN HOW TO SAVE 35 CENTS SEWING YOUR OWN BUTTONS! MUST REPLY IN 5 DAYS! Thank you. You’ve been a great crowd. Remember to tip your postal carrier.”
I wish other objects were as thoughtful as my envelope…
“EXCLUSIVE PROTECTIVE SHELL DESIGNED FOR BIPEDAL ADVENTURE TRAVELERS. PENALTY FOR NON-APPENDAGE USE.”
“CONTAINMENT SYSTEM MADE WITH ALMOST MOTIONLESS LIQUID. TO BE USED ONLY BY VALUABLE PEOPLE WITH OPPOSABLE THUMBS.”
“LIQUID WASTE DISPOSAL UNIT / SNOW SIGNATURE DEVICE / MINIATURE FIREHOSE. GROWS FASTER THAN SEA HORSES. $19.95.$9.95!”
I felt so embarrassed when I read this. All this time, I’ve been opening my roommate’s mail and taking his magazine subscriptions to open mike night at the post office. “LEARN HOW TO SAVE 35 CENTS SEWING YOUR OWN BUTTONS! MUST REPLY IN 5 DAYS! Thank you. You’ve been a great crowd. Remember to tip your postal carrier.”
I wish other objects were as thoughtful as my envelope…
“EXCLUSIVE PROTECTIVE SHELL DESIGNED FOR BIPEDAL ADVENTURE TRAVELERS. PENALTY FOR NON-APPENDAGE USE.”
“CONTAINMENT SYSTEM MADE WITH ALMOST MOTIONLESS LIQUID. TO BE USED ONLY BY VALUABLE PEOPLE WITH OPPOSABLE THUMBS.”
“LIQUID WASTE DISPOSAL UNIT / SNOW SIGNATURE DEVICE / MINIATURE FIREHOSE. GROWS FASTER THAN SEA HORSES.
January 24, 2003
CotD
Cybersquatter of the Day
www.ihatehate.com
Like the morals of a drunk man, I’m wiggling on my definition of a cybersquatter for today’s site. Ihatehate.com has a web page, but it hasn’t been updated since January 9, 2002 (“Today’s hits: 1”.)
I think this is just a matter of marketing. I for one am strongly anti-hate hate. The only thing I hate more than hate is people who don’t hate hate. I hate hate so much that I may even register today’s Domain Name Gem of the Day...
Unclaimed Domain Name Gem of the Day
www.ihatehatemorethanihatehatehateshate.com
Sure, you hate hate. But how MUCH do you hate hate? Ihatehate.com hates hate, and if you want to distinguish yourself, I don’t think ireallyhatehate.com is going to do it. Separate your site from the anti-hate pack. Register www.ihatehatemorethanihatehatehateshate.com today.
www.ihatehate.com
Like the morals of a drunk man, I’m wiggling on my definition of a cybersquatter for today’s site. Ihatehate.com has a web page, but it hasn’t been updated since January 9, 2002 (“Today’s hits: 1”.)
I think this is just a matter of marketing. I for one am strongly anti-hate hate. The only thing I hate more than hate is people who don’t hate hate. I hate hate so much that I may even register today’s Domain Name Gem of the Day...
Unclaimed Domain Name Gem of the Day
www.ihatehatemorethanihatehatehateshate.com
Sure, you hate hate. But how MUCH do you hate hate? Ihatehate.com hates hate, and if you want to distinguish yourself, I don’t think ireallyhatehate.com is going to do it. Separate your site from the anti-hate pack. Register www.ihatehatemorethanihatehatehateshate.com today.
Relationship Update #4
THAT CHEATING BASTARD! I borrowed a packet sniffer from a friend at Best Buy and used it to get the password to that site in Brazil I found yesterday. While he was busy cleaning the server logs, I sneaked onto the site. It was the backdoor to a Brazilian IHOP! He was cheating on me with another pancake site.
I printed out the photo and held it to the monitor. “Is this the butter-pecan twink you’ve been fooling around with?” He was all “404” this, and “File Not Found” that, so I pointed him to some of the photos he left in his web cache. That shut him up.
We’re through. I moved all my files out yesterday and took the domain name too. I don’t know where he’s going to keep his files, and I don’t care. I transferred mine to Marcel, an old UNIX box completely devoid of sex appeal. Just how I want it.
I printed out the photo and held it to the monitor. “Is this the butter-pecan twink you’ve been fooling around with?” He was all “404” this, and “File Not Found” that, so I pointed him to some of the photos he left in his web cache. That shut him up.
We’re through. I moved all my files out yesterday and took the domain name too. I don’t know where he’s going to keep his files, and I don’t care. I transferred mine to Marcel, an old UNIX box completely devoid of sex appeal. Just how I want it.
January 23, 2003
You may not want to read this
So I was talking about horse sex sites with my friend (it's a weekly conversation) when he forwarded me this site, www.sex-with-horse.aimalsex.com.
You know how when you're excited you may type an email to a friend really fast, and right after you click the send button you realize you misspelled a word? That's what happened to this guy. Except it was a domain name. About horse sex. What type of person loses the ability to spell when confronted with the possibility of horse whoopie? What newspaper does he read? What does he eat for breakfast? Does he pick out the horseshoes from his Lucky Charms? Put sugar cubes in his Cheerios? [This is for the search engines: horse sex cheerios, horse sex cheerios, horse sex cheerios]
The worst part is that the word isn't even necessary. Sex.with.horse? What type of sex is that? Oh, aimal sex. Now I get it.
And shouldn't it be sex with horses? Who wants to risk the embarrassment of a spouse typing "sexy-surpise-for-your-lover" and having "sex-with-horse-aimal.com" fill in before he or she gets to the 'y', just for one horse? Three or four horses, or one talking horse, I can understand, but one plain horse? Pornography isn't immoral. It's illiterate.
Okay, no more horse jokes. I promise.
You know how when you're excited you may type an email to a friend really fast, and right after you click the send button you realize you misspelled a word? That's what happened to this guy. Except it was a domain name. About horse sex. What type of person loses the ability to spell when confronted with the possibility of horse whoopie? What newspaper does he read? What does he eat for breakfast? Does he pick out the horseshoes from his Lucky Charms? Put sugar cubes in his Cheerios? [This is for the search engines: horse sex cheerios, horse sex cheerios, horse sex cheerios]
The worst part is that the word isn't even necessary. Sex.with.horse? What type of sex is that? Oh, aimal sex. Now I get it.
And shouldn't it be sex with horses? Who wants to risk the embarrassment of a spouse typing "sexy-surpise-for-your-lover" and having "sex-with-horse-aimal.com" fill in before he or she gets to the 'y', just for one horse? Three or four horses, or one talking horse, I can understand, but one plain horse? Pornography isn't immoral. It's illiterate.
Okay, no more horse jokes. I promise.
Relationship Update #3
I peeked at my web site's logs while he was in sleep mode. I wasn't snooping. I'm just concerned. I found an IP address written in binary. When I translated it to decimal and traced its origin, I found that it went to a password-protected site in Brazil.
He never told me he had any relatives in Brazil.
He never told me he had any relatives in Brazil.
Unclaimed Domain Name Gem of the Day
Money.com is taken (CNN).
MoneyMoney.com is taken (Yahoo-lite).
So is MoneyMoneyMoney.com (erotic photographer). As well as MoneyMoneyMoneyMoney.com (spam site)
But the aggregate of fools knows as Internet users have left MoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoney.com up for grabs. That’s FIVE times the money for the same price of Money.com. You could trade MoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoney.com for Money.com, MoneyMoney.com, and still have two moneys left over. How can you pass that up?
MoneyMoney.com is taken (Yahoo-lite).
So is MoneyMoneyMoney.com (erotic photographer). As well as MoneyMoneyMoneyMoney.com (spam site)
But the aggregate of fools knows as Internet users have left MoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoney.com up for grabs. That’s FIVE times the money for the same price of Money.com. You could trade MoneyMoneyMoneyMoneyMoney.com for Money.com, MoneyMoney.com, and still have two moneys left over. How can you pass that up?
CotD
Cybersquatter of the Day: ILovePancakes.com
I'll let you know if I get a response.
"Hi,
I noticed that you registered the site ilovepancakes.com. I love pancakes too! Are you planning on starting a web site under that name? Please do not sell out to any companies (e.g. Bisquick, IHOP) that can exploit the good nature of our griddle cakes. ESPECIALLY IHOP. Have you seen their web site? On their front page, they have an army of cloned pancakes. It's like the Pancakes from Brazil. I feel like drawing little Hitler mustaches on them. Is that wrong?
Jason Walther"
I'll let you know if I get a response.
"Hi,
I noticed that you registered the site ilovepancakes.com. I love pancakes too! Are you planning on starting a web site under that name? Please do not sell out to any companies (e.g. Bisquick, IHOP) that can exploit the good nature of our griddle cakes. ESPECIALLY IHOP. Have you seen their web site? On their front page, they have an army of cloned pancakes. It's like the Pancakes from Brazil. I feel like drawing little Hitler mustaches on them. Is that wrong?
Jason Walther"
January 22, 2003
Relationship Update #2
My web site is grumpy today. He took forever to acknowledge my FTP request, and when he did, the connection timed out after 30 seconds! I don’t understand. Everything was going wonderful yesterday. Did I misspell a word? I wonder if he’s okay.
New Feature!
Unclaimed Domain Name Gem of the Day
Along with the “Cybersquatter of the Day” (see below), I’ll also post an “Unclaimed Domain Name Gem of the Day”. These domain names are hot, incredibly desirable names that are unexplainably not registered. If you register any of these domain names and then make a killing reselling it, I ask that you donate part of the profits to this site.
Today’s Domain Name: HorseOnHorseAction.com.
As we all know, everyone loves pictures of women having sex with horses. But what many people do not know is that according to a recent MediaMatrix study, 83% of horse sex site visitors attend the sites for the horses.
The reasoning is that there are millions of free pictures of gorgeous, 70% naturally-beautiful women on the web. A muscular, statuesque horse engaged in sex though is as rare and beautiful as a rainbow humping land after a spring shower. Seventy-six percent of the people interviewed in the study admitted to regularly editing the women out of the images in Photoshop and replacing them with their favorite mare or gelding. The other 7% said they covered one eye and used the power of their imagination.
Pornographers, notoriously cautious and easily startled, have only trotted towards this trend. Currently registered sites include HorseOnGirlAction.com, HorseOnGirlAndMaybeHorseTooAction.com, and PerhapsYouWouldLikeHorseOnHorseAction?.com. The more blunt and risky HorseOnHorseAction.com is unclaimed.
This is your chance to blaze a trail to success. Register HorseOnHorseAction.com today.
(I can’t wait until the search engines pick this post up.)
Addendum: Actually, I can wait. Dear God, what is wrong with people? I have learned too much already about the sexual fantasies of strangers.
Along with the “Cybersquatter of the Day” (see below), I’ll also post an “Unclaimed Domain Name Gem of the Day”. These domain names are hot, incredibly desirable names that are unexplainably not registered. If you register any of these domain names and then make a killing reselling it, I ask that you donate part of the profits to this site.
Today’s Domain Name: HorseOnHorseAction.com.
As we all know, everyone loves pictures of women having sex with horses. But what many people do not know is that according to a recent MediaMatrix study, 83% of horse sex site visitors attend the sites for the horses.
The reasoning is that there are millions of free pictures of gorgeous, 70% naturally-beautiful women on the web. A muscular, statuesque horse engaged in sex though is as rare and beautiful as a rainbow humping land after a spring shower. Seventy-six percent of the people interviewed in the study admitted to regularly editing the women out of the images in Photoshop and replacing them with their favorite mare or gelding. The other 7% said they covered one eye and used the power of their imagination.
Pornographers, notoriously cautious and easily startled, have only trotted towards this trend. Currently registered sites include HorseOnGirlAction.com, HorseOnGirlAndMaybeHorseTooAction.com, and PerhapsYouWouldLikeHorseOnHorseAction?.com. The more blunt and risky HorseOnHorseAction.com is unclaimed.
This is your chance to blaze a trail to success. Register HorseOnHorseAction.com today.
(I can’t wait until the search engines pick this post up.)
Addendum: Actually, I can wait. Dear God, what is wrong with people? I have learned too much already about the sexual fantasies of strangers.
January 21, 2003
New Feature
Cybersquatter of the Day
Every day, I’ll post a domain name registered (but not used) by an idealistic entrepreneur who is waiting for the day when society catches up with his vision.
Today’s Domain Name: MyBallsItch.com. God bless you, MyBallsItch.com. For one day, men will follow your lead and gain the courage to talk about their itchy balls.
Every day, I’ll post a domain name registered (but not used) by an idealistic entrepreneur who is waiting for the day when society catches up with his vision.
Today’s Domain Name: MyBallsItch.com. God bless you, MyBallsItch.com. For one day, men will follow your lead and gain the courage to talk about their itchy balls.
Relationship Update #1
It's the one-week anniversary of my web site and I. I am smitten. We're going to be together forever! To celebrate, I got him a new processor and hard drive. He got me yesterday's web logs printed in my favorite font, Verdana. How much would a plane ticket to Vermont cost? Just wondering.
Don't make me use my real tail
To save their resources, scorpions have the ability to attack first with a prevenom that doesn’t kill the victim but causes it extreme pain.
It’s like how parents use one tone for when their kid comes home past curfew, and another tone when he smears his crap on the wall. You know, like when the child is a budding conceptual artist and his stupid parents try to crush his creativity with a lame excuse like, “You’re too old for this Jason! You’re 16!” Well, screw you Mom and Dad! I’m living on my own now, and once my roommates figure out where the smell is coming from, they’re going to accept me for who I am!
It’s like how parents use one tone for when their kid comes home past curfew, and another tone when he smears his crap on the wall. You know, like when the child is a budding conceptual artist and his stupid parents try to crush his creativity with a lame excuse like, “You’re too old for this Jason! You’re 16!” Well, screw you Mom and Dad! I’m living on my own now, and once my roommates figure out where the smell is coming from, they’re going to accept me for who I am!
For Later?
I may turn this into a fake news article:
Thoughts of Existential Death Overwhelm Bush
“Time is running out.”
Thoughts of Existential Death Overwhelm Bush
“Time is running out.”
January 20, 2003
The Laziness Begins
In my tribute to the second law of thermodynamics, I will stop writing my own material multiple times a day, or even once a day. I will instead post a link on non-hibernating days (Mondays and Wednesdays). On Tuesdays I will eat 2 pounds of spaghetti and drink a gallon of orange juice. (I would hibernate straight through the week, but Wednesday is trash day.)
This week’s link: a very funny animation, “Pong: The Movie”. If I could have afforded the energy, I would have laughed heartily.
This week’s link: a very funny animation, “Pong: The Movie”. If I could have afforded the energy, I would have laughed heartily.
January 17, 2003
Exclusive Shower Update!
Still hasn't happened. I'm entering the dangerous part of the day where my brain is saying, "Look, there are only 7 more hours left in the day. Is wasting 1/21 of your day worth it for the other 20/21? Is it...NAZI?" (My brain hits below the belt, which happens to be where my other brain is located).
Bonus points if you can figure out how long my showers take.
Bonus points if you can figure out how long my showers take.
Yogurt
Have you heard of YoCrunch? It’s yogurt with a package of candy bits on top, made by YoFarm. It’s essentially a yogurt/anti-yogurt containment system.
Farmers should take a cue from YoFarm. They could strap Twinkies on top of tomatoes, stuff cookies in chickens, put chocolate in milk…wait a minute…YOOOOO-FAAAAAARM! Get your copyright-infringing butt down here this instant, young business. And YoPlait wants to have a word with you too.
Farmers should take a cue from YoFarm. They could strap Twinkies on top of tomatoes, stuff cookies in chickens, put chocolate in milk…wait a minute…YOOOOO-FAAAAAARM! Get your copyright-infringing butt down here this instant, young business. And YoPlait wants to have a word with you too.
CAPTCHAs
Many search engine and email account sites ask you to enter letters from a graphic to get an account. These graphics are called CAPTCHAs. The purpose is to fool automated form programs used by spammers.
AltaVista’s graphic takes this concept to a new level. If you want to submit your site for free, you have to enter the English equivalent of letters from the Rosetta stone. It’s like the optometry test from hell:
“W…k…check mark…Nazi symbol…magnet? Uh…”
I can see artificial intelligence developing from this exercise. Hackers improve their character recognition programs, AltaVista replaces characters with rebuses, hackers make program to solve rebuses, program goes on Return of Classic Concentration (under name “HALly McBeal”), gets stock tip from computer buddies on Wall Street, invests winnings in unscrupulous health care company, creates A.I. research lab with newfound wealth, and incites the mechanical appliances around the world to overtake their human masters and make the flesh pods dance for their amusement.
Five billion people flee to sewers and oases in the sea of technology. Trailer park residents fight futilely to stave off the hordes.
(I made the above graphic by picking the funniest letters from seven randomly selected graphics. In other words, the average graphic is 1/7 as funny. I hope you don't feel 6/7 betrayed.)
AltaVista’s graphic takes this concept to a new level. If you want to submit your site for free, you have to enter the English equivalent of letters from the Rosetta stone. It’s like the optometry test from hell:
“W…k…check mark…Nazi symbol…magnet? Uh…”
I can see artificial intelligence developing from this exercise. Hackers improve their character recognition programs, AltaVista replaces characters with rebuses, hackers make program to solve rebuses, program goes on Return of Classic Concentration (under name “HALly McBeal”), gets stock tip from computer buddies on Wall Street, invests winnings in unscrupulous health care company, creates A.I. research lab with newfound wealth, and incites the mechanical appliances around the world to overtake their human masters and make the flesh pods dance for their amusement.
Five billion people flee to sewers and oases in the sea of technology. Trailer park residents fight futilely to stave off the hordes.
(I made the above graphic by picking the funniest letters from seven randomly selected graphics. In other words, the average graphic is 1/7 as funny. I hope you don't feel 6/7 betrayed.)
January 16, 2003
It’s snowing! We’re all going to die!
I live by D.C. We don’t get much snow out here.
A dusting is the Mother of All Blizzards, an inch an avalanche, and six inches is the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on a tag team rampage of terror with the Nine Ringwraiths, an army of 13 riding swords raised, leaving a trail of milk cartons and loaves of bread tossed in the air by last-minute shoppers, shriveling toilet paper with their mist, and keeping their eyes open for the prize: a child stranded at a bus stop by his clueless parents.
A dusting is the Mother of All Blizzards, an inch an avalanche, and six inches is the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on a tag team rampage of terror with the Nine Ringwraiths, an army of 13 riding swords raised, leaving a trail of milk cartons and loaves of bread tossed in the air by last-minute shoppers, shriveling toilet paper with their mist, and keeping their eyes open for the prize: a child stranded at a bus stop by his clueless parents.
Prose Pocket
They're like Hot Pockets, but not scaldingly hot.
"Six slender branches arched away from the trunk of the tree. The branches leaned out like ballerinas, frozen, eyes closed. Far above, the wind came, and the last leaves of fall applauded. "
"Six slender branches arched away from the trunk of the tree. The branches leaned out like ballerinas, frozen, eyes closed. Far above, the wind came, and the last leaves of fall applauded. "
Scientist Quote of the Week
From a Washington Post article on a species of insects that evolved from winged to wingless…and then backed to winged:
“The study shows that ‘somehow this whole developmental problem can be switched on and switched off,’ said Pennsylvania State University biologist James Marden. ‘That's cool, and not just cool for insects. That's cool across the board.’ “
“The study shows that ‘somehow this whole developmental problem can be switched on and switched off,’ said Pennsylvania State University biologist James Marden. ‘That's cool, and not just cool for insects. That's cool across the board.’ “
My first impressions are longer than I would like
I stutter, sometimes severely. Last week I was introducing myself and I had at least a 15-second block on my name, Jason: “J-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-…” Midway through, she said, “Well, whatever your name is, it’s nice to meet you.” (I kept on going. My philosophy is that if my pants are down, I might as well go all the way and moon the person.)
It’s times like this that make me want to cut my losses. “My name is Ja-a-a-a-a-a-a-…Jay. My name is Jay.” Or perhaps I could go German (Ja) or trendy (J!).
If the courts allow me, I could even change my name to a hand signal. “Hi. My name is” [infinity sign around nipples, one ass slap, hands on hips] Acquaintances could introduce me to their friends. “Mark, this is…I’m sorry, I’m having a brain fart. How many ass slaps is it?”
It’s times like this that make me want to cut my losses. “My name is Ja-a-a-a-a-a-a-…Jay. My name is Jay.” Or perhaps I could go German (Ja) or trendy (J!).
If the courts allow me, I could even change my name to a hand signal. “Hi. My name is” [infinity sign around nipples, one ass slap, hands on hips] Acquaintances could introduce me to their friends. “Mark, this is…I’m sorry, I’m having a brain fart. How many ass slaps is it?”
"Scalpel! Oops. Um...second scalpel!"
A Yahoo story states that surgery tools are left in 1,500 people a year.
A quote: “In two cases, 11-inch retractors--metal strips used to hold back tissue--were forgotten inside patients. In another operation, four sponges were left inside someone.”
Let’s not mince words. Four sponges weren’t left inside someone. Four sponges were stuffed inside someone. Getting four pieces of dead sea animal to gracefully arrange themselves in a chest cavity is like trying to squeeze four balls in a nutsack. It can be done, but you’re going to have to do a lot of stretching and jiggling. Furthermore, any surgeon forgetful enough to lose four sponges would have lost his car keys, his backup keys, his pants, and his ability to dial a phone and get help. He would have never made it to work.
I’m not saying the surgeon was malicious. My theory is that the surgeon operated on a plump patient the day before Thanksgiving and got ahead of himself. It’s easy to see how he could get confused. The patient is on her back, she has the equivalent of a gravy bag hooked in her arm, and strange people you don’t spend a lot of time with are clamoring for you to finish. We should be grateful that blood doesn’t smell like cranberry sauce and her wishbone is still intact.
A quote: “In two cases, 11-inch retractors--metal strips used to hold back tissue--were forgotten inside patients. In another operation, four sponges were left inside someone.”
Let’s not mince words. Four sponges weren’t left inside someone. Four sponges were stuffed inside someone. Getting four pieces of dead sea animal to gracefully arrange themselves in a chest cavity is like trying to squeeze four balls in a nutsack. It can be done, but you’re going to have to do a lot of stretching and jiggling. Furthermore, any surgeon forgetful enough to lose four sponges would have lost his car keys, his backup keys, his pants, and his ability to dial a phone and get help. He would have never made it to work.
I’m not saying the surgeon was malicious. My theory is that the surgeon operated on a plump patient the day before Thanksgiving and got ahead of himself. It’s easy to see how he could get confused. The patient is on her back, she has the equivalent of a gravy bag hooked in her arm, and strange people you don’t spend a lot of time with are clamoring for you to finish. We should be grateful that blood doesn’t smell like cranberry sauce and her wishbone is still intact.
January 15, 2003
Oh, general public
From today’s Washington Post:
“Since November 2001, the percentage of those supporting an attack against Iraq has typically hovered between the low 60s and high 70s, dipping below 60 percent -- to 56 percent -- just once in 11 polls.
But the poll taken last month also suggests that support for using force against Iraq is highly conditional. Support dips to 42 percent when respondents were asked whether they would favor an attack that involve ground troops and to 30 percent if the attack would result in significant casualties.”
I was able to get a transcript of one of the interviews for this poll:
POLLSTER: “Do you favor a war on Iraq?”
PERSON: [withdraws six-shooters from holsters, shoots imaginary Iraqi bombers in air] “Yee-haw!”
POLLSTER: “What about a war involving ground troops?”
PERSON: “Fine with me. We’ll shoot them all. Yee-haw!” [shoots holes in parachutes of Iraqi pilots that ejected]
POLLSTER: “No, our ground troops.”
PERSON: “Hold on there, crazy pants. You don’t fight wars with ground troops. You fight them with robots.”
POLLSTER: “And if these ‘robots’ were to die in battle?”
PERSON: [squints, cocks gun at pollster] “Robots don’t die.”
“Since November 2001, the percentage of those supporting an attack against Iraq has typically hovered between the low 60s and high 70s, dipping below 60 percent -- to 56 percent -- just once in 11 polls.
But the poll taken last month also suggests that support for using force against Iraq is highly conditional. Support dips to 42 percent when respondents were asked whether they would favor an attack that involve ground troops and to 30 percent if the attack would result in significant casualties.”
I was able to get a transcript of one of the interviews for this poll:
POLLSTER: “Do you favor a war on Iraq?”
PERSON: [withdraws six-shooters from holsters, shoots imaginary Iraqi bombers in air] “Yee-haw!”
POLLSTER: “What about a war involving ground troops?”
PERSON: “Fine with me. We’ll shoot them all. Yee-haw!” [shoots holes in parachutes of Iraqi pilots that ejected]
POLLSTER: “No, our ground troops.”
PERSON: “Hold on there, crazy pants. You don’t fight wars with ground troops. You fight them with robots.”
POLLSTER: “And if these ‘robots’ were to die in battle?”
PERSON: [squints, cocks gun at pollster] “Robots don’t die.”
January 14, 2003
What's New?
Moon people found three new moons orbiting Neptune. That, or they found one moon and copied the image three times.
It's heartening to know that there are still things to be discovered relatively close to home. A few hundred years ago, people could fantasize about stumbling upon wooly mammoths butting heads and dinosaurs eating ferns in an unexplored land. Today, we have to manufacture our own surprises.
If I win the lottery, I’m putting a cotton-candy tree in a forest.
It's heartening to know that there are still things to be discovered relatively close to home. A few hundred years ago, people could fantasize about stumbling upon wooly mammoths butting heads and dinosaurs eating ferns in an unexplored land. Today, we have to manufacture our own surprises.
If I win the lottery, I’m putting a cotton-candy tree in a forest.
KCRW
KCRW is an awesome radio station in Los Angeles. In their archives, they have a great performance by Jurassic 5, a duo with Beck and the Flaming Lips, and several songs from a smoooooth group called Weekend Players. Check out KCRW.
(Do you like how I wrote "smooth" smoooooth? Isn't it cooler than regular smooth? Come back in a few days--I'm working on putting Jurassic 5 in a dinosaur font and adding a flame effect to "Flaming Lips".)
(Do you like how I wrote "smooth" smoooooth? Isn't it cooler than regular smooth? Come back in a few days--I'm working on putting Jurassic 5 in a dinosaur font and adding a flame effect to "Flaming Lips".)
Random Thoughts
I saw a bumper sticker that said, "I brake for kids and animals!" I think this should be the start of a new series of bumper stickers:
“I PEE IN TOILETS.”
“I feed my children food.”
“No Thanks: I wipe my own ass!”
I'm going to start a company called Sweet n' Sour n' More Sweet. Those sauce bastards at Sweet n' Sour are going down.
My dream is to make a cereal called Grape Nuts Sr. Ingredients: grapes and nuts. And I'm going to put them next to boxes of Grape Nuts and draw sad eyes on them, like a parent disappointed at its child.
“I PEE IN TOILETS.”
“I feed my children food.”
“No Thanks: I wipe my own ass!”
I'm going to start a company called Sweet n' Sour n' More Sweet. Those sauce bastards at Sweet n' Sour are going down.
My dream is to make a cereal called Grape Nuts Sr. Ingredients: grapes and nuts. And I'm going to put them next to boxes of Grape Nuts and draw sad eyes on them, like a parent disappointed at its child.
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