And the winner is...

It appears that I have greatly overestimated the nerdiness of my friends and other readers of this blog. The Pancake City "Name the Somewhat Obscure Sci-Fi Show" contest has ended without a single entry.

And let me indulge in the use of italics some more. "Name the Somewhat Obscure Sci-Fi Show". This wasn't "Space: Above & Beyond" or anything. You think someone would have at least tossed me a "Babylon 5" or a "Stargate: SG-1", for crying out loud, like Captain Picard* did in Episode 137 ("There are four lights!").

Sheesh. I had more people apply to my fake contest, "Post If You’re a Child Molester," that I ran as a sting with the police.

And you know when I said the winner would get, "A yet-to-be-determined** but likely crappy prize"? I lied. The prize was completely determined and it was fucking awesome.

You know what else is fucking awesome? The show in question, whose aforementioned awesomeness is so high that it requires a separate post for the singing of its praises. An encomium will come soon.

* Hey, spell check. You red squiggle my main man again and I'll cut you.

** Actually, I wrote "detrimed". I would have spell checked it, but my previous spell checker put a red squiggle under Sisko, there was a knife nearby and…well, we all do things we're not proud of.

Contest! Old content! There is only one letter different between contest and content!

I have difficultly concentrating on more than one writing project at a time. I've been focusing on writing comedy sketches for the past week, and every time I sit down to write a blog post I get wrapped up in the quite realistic worry that I will get distracted from my goal and have trouble regaining focus.

That's reason #1 for the sparse posts recently (or maybe they just feel sparse in comparison to my non-blog writing). Reason #2 is NetFlix. Reason #2.1: I joined NetFlix to watch episodes of the Best Sci-Fi Show You've Probably Never Heard About. Yes, I could just tell you the name of the show, but that would kill the suspense and this Pancake City contest.

A yet-to-be-determined but likely crappy prize for the first person to post the name of the show in the comments. Obviously, if I had a conversation with you in the last two weeks where I said something like "Hey, I found out about this really awesome Sci-Fi show called..." you are disqualified. But if you are miffed, I will create a special contest just for youse.

And...if you first visited this site in the last six months or less, you probably haven't read this. It's a column I wrote, the link to which got lost when I switched templates and may forever remain loss because I am Lazy.

******

Lying About Robots College

I called Montgomery College's bookstore, located in Maryland, a few days ago. The voicemail rattled off a list of choices. Just as I was about to press '2' and miss the opportunity of a lifetime, I heard,

"Press 0 to speak to an automated attendant."

Automated attendant? A robot! The future is here! I almost ejaculated over my collection of Issac Asimov books. 0, 0, 0!

"There is no automated attendant this time."

Hold on a minute. Now, I don't know a lot about robots. But I do know that they work 23/7, with an hour to lube them and to check that they haven't gone crazy.

Do you see what MC is doing? They're posing regular employees as robots and, we can deduce, forcing them to talk in stilted voices and wave their arms in a worried manner.

That's wrong for robots, and even more wrong for non-robots. It's also something I cannot watch while sitting idly by.

"
Subject: 01000001001000000110001101101111011011010111
00000110110001100001011010010110111001110100
[translate]

Dear Ms. Tammy Shawver,

I recently called your bookstore and was shocked, surprised, saddened, chagrined, flummoxed, and anti-delighted to find that you tease customers with the siren's call of the future but do not indeed deliver.

I am of course talking about your claim to "Press 0 to speak to an automated attendant", i.e. a robot. Yet when I pressed 0--repeatedly--the promised robot was not to be found.

I ask you, where is the robot? Where is Tibor, Robby, R2D2, Data, Number 5, Crow T., Gorog, or Vicki? Where is the rigid thinking, the tender humanity? The beeps, the boops, and most of all, the blips.

This is the moment to define yourself. Are you Montgomery College, or Lying About Robots College? Do you have a B.S. in engineering, or a B.A. in BS? Do you have a master's degree in truth, or an honorary doctorate in deception?

Please employ real robots in your store as soon as possible. Robots are our friends and we should not deny them a place in our society. I AM NOT A NUT. Nuts don't realize the possibility that they are nuts.

Sincerely,
Cashew Johnson

Contest Update Update

Looks like I goofed. My Canadian cousin Erfan didn't win the 9/11 contest. Evan R. did. Evan is currently a grad student living in Brooklyn and is A FULL-BLODDED AMERICAN! U.S.A! U.S.A!

The lesson of this new result is obvious: Canada is populated by a bunch of pussies.

America rocks!

9/11 Contest Winner

I finally counted the references to 9/11 in Bush's acceptance speech. He made six references, including one particularly good one where he connects Saddam Hussein to 9/11. The winner: my Canadian cousin Erfan, who guessed eight. That's right: Canadian. I'm absolutely shocked that a Canadian knows more about American politics than we do. Yup. Shocked.

The references are in the comments. Erfan, I'll email your present in a few days. (Canadians have email, right?)

Last Minute Contest

How many time will President Bush refer to Sept. 11th in his nomination acceptance speech tonight? Closest guess gets a prize. You can submit a guess up to tomorrow morning (as awesome as any prize from Pancake City is, I'm sure that the moral fiber of Pancake City readers is so strong that no one will cheat by searching the transcript the next day for "9/11", "September 11th" and "my bestest day ever").

Pancake City Contest

During an interview with NPR today, Clinton was asked if he thought the U.S. intelligence bureaus should be restructured so they came under one, overarching department. Clinton gave a qualified yes. He said it would be a good idea on the condition that the restructuring did not create an atmosphere where homogeneous opinions would be encouraged and dissenting views suppressed.

Clinton's answer gave me an idea for another sporadic Pancake City contest. The contest: the first person to hear President Bush say a four syllable word gets a prize.

The rules:

1. The word must be four or more syllables.
2. Compound words and proper names are not valid (e.g. "evil-doers," "Condoleezza").
3. The word must have as many syllables as it is supposed to have.
4. Excluded words: all forms of terrorist and intelligence (e.g. "terrorisms," "intelligenced")

The first person to post the word, preferably with the context and time heard, wins a yet-to-be determined prize. Something small but personalized. The contest end date is whenever this post leaves the main page, approximately a week from now.

Good luck and happy hunting.

Mystery Beard Revealed

I don't know if anyone cares at this point, but I am finally revealing the identity of our mysterious, prickly stranger (image scaled down). Since no one got the answer right, or got even close, or even tried, the can of salmon will be poured into the gutter. The pouring will send it on a long journey through a maze of pipes, grinders, and tubes that will eventually return the unlucky salmon to its natural home, and possibly our drinking water.

Next contest: Celebrity Dental Records.

The Final Lap of Mystery Beard

This is the last Mystery Beard clue, but it's a good one. This actor had a role in Blazing Saddles.

I will reveal the secret in a day or two.

Clue #4

I have been coy about revealing too much information about our celebrity beard. Perhaps too coy, for no one has been close enough for me to remove the can of salmon and caress it, like one would do to a dying dog. So while this next clue may give too much information, I feel that it is necessary.

Clue #4: Clue #1 is a complete lie.

Keep on guessin'! Remember, a can of fish is at stake (photo coming).

Clue #3

The guess for the Celebrity Beard contest are flying in. People have guessed such names as Orlando Bloom. And many others. Will the next clue shed any light on this celebrity's identity? Will it unearth any secrets, secrets buried under an abandoned Planet Hollywood? Will the kilt of mystery lift up, revealing a willy who may be named Willy?

Probably not.

Clue #3: This actor has an X, Q, or N in his name.

One guess per day, people. That means you, Ralph! Stop sending me email.

Clue #2

Okay, I didn't give much information about the identity of the Celebrity Beard. Maybe this next clue will help. It's not Marlon Brando.

And we have a prize for the winner: a can of salmon. When you're in the mood for salmon but don't have time to warm it up, eat Can of Salmon. It's the salmon that swims right into the can. Shipping not included.

Celebrity Beards

I'd like to announce a new contest for the web site, Celebrity Beards. Each week, I'll post the closeup of a celebrity beard and a clue about the owner of the beard. I'll post another clue each day until someone gets the answer.

Celebrity Beard #1

Clue #1: This actor starred in a movie in the last six months.

There are no prizes as of yet, but I'll try to think of one. Happy Bearding!

How To Tell If You Are a Loser

Important:
If the link above is flashing, you have been selected as a Winner! Click here for your prize!!!

Contest Winner / Photo

The winner of the latest "Name the Song" contest is Ralph with "Dr. Dre Rolls Through Smurf Village." I'll upload the song and a few others soon.

Here is a photo I was going to put on the Austerely-Titled Photos page, until I opened that page in Dreamweaver and was reminded of my amateurish attempt to make my amateurish photos pop up in a professional-looking window. Let us ignore the question of why I can type "javascript window popup tutorial" much easier here than in Google.

Hey, Everybody But Chad

This SASS'N BOP song needs a name. *Best title wins. Default title: Peacocky Peayocky.

* I have no idea what best means for this contest.

Find the Typo!

One of the next five headlines has a typo in it. The first person who finds it gets absolutely nothing. The second person gets anything he or she wants. Under $1. And for you mofos too lazy to pick up your free crap from my townhouse, shipping counts against the limit.

Third person gets to form a PAC to influence Congress to run the second person out of business.

Pancake Town's First Contest!

Hey everybody!

I am pleased to announce what I hope will be the first in a long series of Pancake Town contests.

What's the contest? The first child molestor to post his or her contact information in the comments will get a small gift pack, mostly zany trinkets and odds and ends.

Practicing child molestors only. And if you're not first, still leave a note because I will randomly select a runner-up from the remaining entries.

Thanks for reading, and if you don't win, worry not. More contests are on the way!