I wrote a skit and later realized that the premise is inherently flawed. The premise is that Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, and a helium balloon are competing for the 2005 Gasbag of the Year Award.
Funny idea, right? But it didn't work, and several drafts and comments from friends later I've come to realize that the premise has contradictions in itself that make it almost impossible to convert into a great skit.
I'm still working the contradictions out, but one of several that I thought of so far is that I'm trying to parody two things at the same time: the personalities of Rush Limbaugh/Bill O'Reilly, and right-wing talk radio. Writing skits with more than one subject just doesn't work.
There is also the choice of the game show format, which requires lots of short responses, and trying to parody Limbaugh and O'Reilly, which I believe requries them to speak for several sentences at a time.
It's an odd notion to me--that a skit can be flawed just because of a poor structure. I've always worked under the idea that in sketch writing, what is important is how the concept is done, not the concept itself. That a truly creative person could find a way to make any premise work. Now I think the premise is at least as important as the writing, possibly more so.
Okay, enough self-absorption. Here's the skit. You may find it amusing, may not.
HOST: "Welcome to the finals of the 2005 American Gasbag Competition. I'm Chuck Sewer. By the end of this night, one of these three talk show hosts will be America's Gasbag of the Year. Let's meet the finalists."
HOST: "A titan of radio and TV, and guardian of the No-Spin Zone: Bill O'Reilly."
O'REILLY: "I'm going to lecture you like I've never lectured before."
HOST: "Always right, never wrong, he puts the left where they belong. Rush Limbaugh."
LIMBAUGH yanks out a bottle of pills and tosses back the whole bottle. As the pills fall, he snaps at them like a mad dog tearing at a piece of meat. Most of the pills miss his face and fall on the floor.
HOST: "And give it up to our returning champion, helium balloon!
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE."
O'REILLY: "Hey!"
HOST: [laughing] "No win zone, indeed. First up is the lighting round. You will be given a series of topics. Whoever makes the most outrageous statement about it wins. Hands to the buzzer!
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE."
HOST: "Just vibrate then. First topic. ACLU."
O'REILLY: [buzzer] "Hitler would be a card-carrying ACLU member."
LIMBAUGH: [buzzer] "Hitler? If Hitler had sex with Satan, their baby would be President of the ACLU."
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE."
HOST: "Judges? Helium balloon by a nose!"
RIMBAUGH: "Come on! Who are the judges, the New York Times?"
HOST: "Sorry Rush, but two-headed Hitler-Satan baby that pees evil is the winner. Next topic: The Clintons."
LIMBAUGH: Last week, Hillary Clinton had sex with the two-headed Hitler-Satan baby, "Hitlan".
O'REILLY: "Then she brought a catapult to Iraq and flung aborted babies at our troops.
HOST: "Wow. Helie is stunned squeak-less. Well, let's see who the judges [sees Balloon shaking] Yes?
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE."
O'REILLY: [angry] "Mmph!"
HOST: "Ohhhhhh, my! Can you say that about a woman and a water hose? Another one for H.B. Final topic: the torture at Abu Ghraib."
LIMBAUGH: "It's amazing to me how outraged the libs are about this "scandal." I mean, you ever hear of needing to release some steam?
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEEE.
O'Reilly thinks for a moment.
O'REILLY: "EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE."
HOST: "This round: O'Reilly!"
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE."
LIMBAUGH: "Yeah, he just repeated what he said!"
HOST: "Welcome to the right-wing echo chamber, guys."
O'REILLY: [mocking contestants with echo] "You suck…you suck…you suck…"
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE-EEE."
O'REILLY: [covering his chest] "You smear merchant!"
HOST: [laughing] "Oh, Helie. I'm sure O'Reilly has the same number of nipples as everyone else. Let's check the leader board. H.B. is on top with 20, O'Reilly has 10 and Rush is dead last with 0."
HOST: "Next is the all-important skills competition. Your task today is to get our mystery guest to shut up as fast as possible. Let's bring him out. Coming all the way from a back alley behind the CVS down the street. It's…a homeless person."
ELDERLY MAN creeps on stage with cane.
ELDERLY PERSON: "You told me you had food."
HOST: "That's hilarious! Bill, you're first. Go!"
ELDERLY PERSON: "Dear sir, do you have any food?"
O'REILLY: "Who is this joker?"
ELDERLY PERSON: "I'm elderly and cold."
O'REILLY: "Somebody shut his mike off."
ELDERLY PERSON: "I'm so hungry. I wish I had a doughnut."
O'REILLY: " Listen, buddy. You're in the No Spin zone. The only thing you're eating is the truth."
ELDERLY PERSON: "Can I have gravy with the truth?"
O'REILLY: "That's it. Cut his mike. This interview is over. I'm not going to dress you down anymore, out of respect for your father."
ELDERLY PERSON: "My father's 93. He was a pirate. Where is the food? I'm--(mouths rest of sentence)
HOST: "34 seconds! That might be good enough for first place. The mike cut-off comes through again."
ELDERLY PERSON: "But my name is Henry."
HOST: "Isn't he adorable? Rush, you're next. You'll need to be 34 seconds for a chance to win. Go!"
LIMBAUGH: "Woah, woah, woah. Hold on here. What on God's Earth is a "homeless" person?"
HOST: "It's a person without a home."
LIMBAUGH: "Well, what's he doing here? Tell him to go home."
ELDERLY PERSON: "Can I have an orange?"
HOST: "He can't. He's homeless."
LIMBAUGH: "Huh?"
HOST: "He's HOME-less."
LIMBAUGH: [long pause] "I don't get it."
HOST: "Mmm…I'm going to have to disqualify you. Sorry, Rush."
ELDERLY PERSON: "I have scurvy."
HOST: "Maybe our reigning champion can help you out. Helie, are you ready?"
BALLOON: "EEE-EEE."
HOST: "Go!"
ELDERLY PERSON: "My stomach is eating itself."
BALLOON: " EEE-EEE."
ELDERLY PERSON: "Really? You will?
BALLOON: " EEE-EEE."
ELDERLY PERSON: "Thank you! He's going to buy me dinner."
BALLOON: " EEE-EEE."
ELDERLY PERSON: "You love me?
BALLOON: " EEE-EEE."
ELDERLY PERSON: "[tears up] Oh! You want to give me a hug! Thank you! It's been so long.
BALLOON: " EEE-EEE."
ELDERLY PERSON shuffles over to balloon. When he grasps the balloon for a hug, it attacks the elderly man, beating him senseless.
ELDERLY PERSON: "AHH! AHH!"
HOST: "[horrified] Helie. You…killed him. In cold blood. You just killed him…and beat out O'Reilly time with 33 sec.! Helium Balloon retains his crown! This has been the 2005 American Gas Bag Competition. Good night!
March 09, 2005
...
It must have been a bad day for tuna when they found out someone named them Chicken of the Sea.
"They're calling us what? Shit. People love chicken."
"They're calling us what? Shit. People love chicken."
March 07, 2005
Cause I like easy jokes...
Redskins Owner Ordered Removal of Trees
Where's the Lorax when you need him?
Lawyers: BTK suspect claims depression
Well, yeah. He got caught.
More Mercury Found at Cardozo
D.C. public schools are so dysfunctional that even their problems are screwed up. One week they're cleaning mercury off the floor, the next week Godzilla is eating the music department...
Where's the Lorax when you need him?
Lawyers: BTK suspect claims depression
Well, yeah. He got caught.
More Mercury Found at Cardozo
D.C. public schools are so dysfunctional that even their problems are screwed up. One week they're cleaning mercury off the floor, the next week Godzilla is eating the music department...
March 05, 2005
Happy Birthday Evan
This is also a good time for me to tell you about his interesting blog. Anyone want to get an LED belt buckle?
Oh, The Commercials I See!
Saw this one last night. An elderly couple was laughing at a family barbeque. The camera pulled back to reveal...a pearl necklace in a bucket of barbeque sauce.
VO: "We didn't dip these pearls into barbeque sauce to show Fixodent's amazing cleaning power. And we didn't dip them in barbeque sauce to show how shiny Fixodent will make your teeth."
I never did find out just why did those crazy cats at Fixodent tore their grandmother's pearls off her neck and brought them to a Texas barbeque. I suspect the answer involves drugs and that the pearls were laughing at them. I can only guess because, at that very moment, I involuntarily muted the TV, part of my body's defensive reaction from keeping the rest of my now-liquefied brain from dripping out of my ear.
But I was outwitted. When it comes to advertisements, reading is a disability. The fine print on the bottom of the screen:
"Pearls made out of denture material".
So...they're not pearls. Gotcha. Kind of like "Pearls made of pig ears" or "Pearls made out of rainbows."
The nice thing about fine print in ads for products for the elderly is that most of your target audience can't read it. If I were the government, I'd start making announcements to the elderly in the fine print of Fixodent commercials.
"Social Security benefits will be cut by 20% for anyone who does not complain by Tuesday. This notice required by law. Law does not state where notice has to be said. Ha ha. Stupid law."
VO: "We didn't dip these pearls into barbeque sauce to show Fixodent's amazing cleaning power. And we didn't dip them in barbeque sauce to show how shiny Fixodent will make your teeth."
I never did find out just why did those crazy cats at Fixodent tore their grandmother's pearls off her neck and brought them to a Texas barbeque. I suspect the answer involves drugs and that the pearls were laughing at them. I can only guess because, at that very moment, I involuntarily muted the TV, part of my body's defensive reaction from keeping the rest of my now-liquefied brain from dripping out of my ear.
But I was outwitted. When it comes to advertisements, reading is a disability. The fine print on the bottom of the screen:
"Pearls made out of denture material".
So...they're not pearls. Gotcha. Kind of like "Pearls made of pig ears" or "Pearls made out of rainbows."
The nice thing about fine print in ads for products for the elderly is that most of your target audience can't read it. If I were the government, I'd start making announcements to the elderly in the fine print of Fixodent commercials.
"Social Security benefits will be cut by 20% for anyone who does not complain by Tuesday. This notice required by law. Law does not state where notice has to be said. Ha ha. Stupid law."
March 03, 2005
Sketch: Bumper Sticker Madness
J.B. (Boss)
IDEA MAN 1
IDEA MAN 2
IDEA MAN 1: But we've come up with plenty of great ideas.
IDEA MAN 2: Yeah. "My other car is also a car".
IDEA MAN 1: "Honk if you love honking".
IDEA MAN 2: "ARRRRRRRRRRRRGH!"
J.B.: Especially "ARRRRRRRRRGH!" Who wants to put "ARRRRRRRRRRGH!" on their car?
IDEA MAN 2: Pirates?
J.B.: There are no pirates! That's the point. We're targeting too narrow markets. We need to generate some ideas for a really large group.
IDEA MAN 1: The blind.
J.B.: Do I need to tell you all the ways that idea is dumb?
IDEA MAN 1: Hold on, J.B. Hear me out. We'll put an arrow on the bumper sticker in Braille so they'll know which way to stick it on their cars.
J.B.: Next.
IDEA MAN 2: I got it. Street ladies.
J.B.: No.
IDEA MAN 2: But--
J.B.: No! We're not doing a bumper sticker on street ladies.
IDEA MAN 2: But--
J.B.: No!
IDEA MAN 2: [pause, then rushed out] "If you can read this you're not in the backseat".
J.B.: Jesus Fucking Christ! We're going to be bankrupt in a month. We need to find the largest market possible. Think, people!
IDEA MAN 1: Jesus! Religion. We've never done a bumper about religion before.
J.B.: Yes. Yes! Good idea. Okay, let's think. What's a catchy bumper sticker that a religious person would buy?
IDEA MAN 1: "God Bless
J.B.: That's nice, but it's been done before.
IDEA MAN 1: No no no no. [takes out poster board + magic marker. Writes away from audience, then lifts us poster board.] "God Bless
J.B.: That's your twist?
IDEA MAN 1: Hear me out. It puts the focus on who's blessing
IDEA MAN 2: I'll take five.
IDEA MAN 1: I'll take ten!
J.B.: Underlining God isn't going to help us break into a new market.
IDEA MAN 1: But--
IDEA MAN 2: He's right. We need something bigger. To go for the gold. To...
[takes poster board, scribbles like he is making a lot of revisions.]
IDEA MAN 2: Call up the printing press and tell 'em to slap it on. "God Bless
J.B.: That just went from dumb to confusing.
IDEA MAN 1: J.B., I hear you loud and clear. Hold on.
[takes poster board, scribbles a long time, like he is making a paragraph-worth of revisions.]
IDEA MAN 1: "God Bless
IDEA MAN 2: I'll take 20.
IDEA MAN 1: I'll sell myself into prostitution to buy one.
J.B.: Look, both of you. Drop it. We need to think of a different tack.
A few moments of silence while they try to think of a solution.
IDEA MAN 2: I got it.
[takes poster board, scribbles for a few moments]
IDEA MAN 2: "God Bless
J.B.: Time to call it quits. You did two enough for today. Go home. I'll think of something myself.
IDEA MAN 2: What's wrong with "God Bless America, Motherfuckers"?
J.B.: Go.
IDEA MAN 1 + 2 hesitantly get up to leave.
IDEA MAN 1: God Bless
J.B.: Out!
IDEA MAN 2: God Bless
J.B.: Go home!
IDEA MAN 1 + 2 leave. Offstage: "Ring-ring." J.B. picks up phone.
J.B.: Hello, sir. Yes, I have something I think you'll like. " God Bless
March 02, 2005
Notes I Didn't Leave My Dog Walking Clients, #1
"Daisy and I ran into her friend, Thunder. They played for several mintues, getting frisky a few times, if you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, THUNDER WAS HUMPING DAISY."
March 01, 2005
From the Instant Comedy Division of Pancake City
Headlines!
Judge finds spouse, mom dead at Ill. home
Is this a news story or the slug line for a upcoming movie? "They took his family. They took his friends. Now it's time for him to administer justice...from the Court of Ass Kicking. Sean Connery is: The Judge.
Telecom Mogul Held in Tax Case
Suspect held in custody; still only gets one phone call.
DeLay PAC Case Goes to Trial
DeLay's delays fail to delay: Packs of PAC lawyers descend on court.
AARP Pitches for Older Workers
It's nice to know the Department of Obvious is still working overtime.
Cardinal Says Pope Spoke in Two Languages
Is this the new standard for judging one's health? Are 80% of Americans considered to be on life support? "Get a defilibrator in here! This man thinks "oui" has to do with the toilet."
Judge finds spouse, mom dead at Ill. home
Is this a news story or the slug line for a upcoming movie? "They took his family. They took his friends. Now it's time for him to administer justice...from the Court of Ass Kicking. Sean Connery is: The Judge.
Telecom Mogul Held in Tax Case
Suspect held in custody; still only gets one phone call.
DeLay PAC Case Goes to Trial
DeLay's delays fail to delay: Packs of PAC lawyers descend on court.
AARP Pitches for Older Workers
It's nice to know the Department of Obvious is still working overtime.
Cardinal Says Pope Spoke in Two Languages
Is this the new standard for judging one's health? Are 80% of Americans considered to be on life support? "Get a defilibrator in here! This man thinks "oui" has to do with the toilet."
February 24, 2005
New Comments System
Blogger finally revised its comments system to let non-Blogger users leave their names and web pages. I'll keep HaloScan around for a few days in case there are any problems with the new system and so people can read any comments made in the past week. I like HaloScan a lot, but the free version doesn't display comments older than six months and has a character limit. I have the impression Blogger doesn't have these restrictions.
The Contact Lens Story: An Objective View
Like the A-Team, I am often framed for a crime that I did not commit. My family, playing the part of the government, takes a perverse pleasure in conjuring various stories that reflect poorly on me and repeating them ad nauseum until truth is sufficiently battered into submission for the story to enter the family mythos.
It is with this aim that my sister Tina has prodded me incessantly to post an entry telling the story of how she lost her last pair of contact lenses.
A story that will now be told. In the spirit of fairness, I have offered Tina (and other family members) the opportunity to help me create a homage to Kurosawa's Rashomon by telling her version of the story, which she may do in the near future. I welcome the imaginative energy that fuels all her stories and encourage you to read her version of the tale, in spite of the fact that its function will likely be one of a fanciful appendix.
***
A few weeks ago, Tina and I spent the night at my Mom's place. My Mom beckoned us over with the promise of an extravagant meal, including salad topped with French mustard dressing, BBQ-glazed chicken, rosemary mashed potatoes, and Godvia chocolate ice cream for desert.
When we arrived, the reception was slightly different than expected. She handed us a frozen pizza and a pair of sweat pants so we could help her scrape off old wall paper.
I have learned the necessity of pausing at certain moments when telling people stories about my family. In the past I would blather on, almost in a stream of conscious, and my friend would interrupt: "Wait, your mother and two sisters contacted Ricky Lake and tried to convince her to do a show titled, "Dear Brother, We Have a Secret To Tell You: You're Adopted!"?
"Well, yeah" I would say, innocent at the time of how normal families work. "Is that unusual?"
So I pause after my Mom's minor bit of chicanery for your benefit, not mine. While you are catching your brief, I will mediate on the possibility of an alternate universe where moms feed you when they say they will feed you.
After working up an appetite completely satiated by ¼ of a vegetarian pizza with a single, withered green paper slice on it, I prepared for an early bed time. For some reason, I was weak and dizzy and could not stand on my own feet for much longer. I emptied the old solution from my contact lens case, refilled the case, and put my contacts in it and went to bed.
The next morning, I awake to hear a banshee-like shriek from downstairs. I sat alert and erect in my bed. Were we being attacked? Was one of my family members injured?"
"WHY DID HE DO IT?" yelled Tina. "WHY?"
My Mom: "I'm sure he didn't do it intentionally."
"HOW COULD HE HAVE NOT SEEN THEM?"
"I…I don't know."
"BUT WHY? WHY IS HE ALWAYS A BOZO?"
I gathered they were talking about me. The dresser vibrated as Tina ran up the stairs and rapped on my door.
"Did you dump out my last pair of contact lenses last night?"
Did I? We use the identical contact lens case, and I suppose in reaching for the closest case to me in my weary state it was possible.
"Dear, sweet Tina, I do admit the possibility of empting out your contact lens in my weakened condition. It was an accident, I assure you. Please accept my humble apology and allow me to pay for the cost of replacing them."
I said these words more out of self-preservation than good will. Tina has the capacity to hold a grudge, and assuaging her with supplication was my only hope to avoid either being punched in the arm or given the silent treatment for the next week.
There was a long pause. Finally, she said: "It's okay. I'm not mad." And went back downstairs for breakfast.
Puzzlement. That's it? Fear. Did I leave any valuables downstairs? More puzzlement. No being berated? Hope. Have we entered a new, more mature stage in our relationship?
I found out the answer at lunch.
"Where is the salt?" Tina said, patting the table like a woman recently struck blind. "Can anyone SEE the salt?"
"It's right there, Tina. Next to the packet of Hamburger Helper seasoning."
I held hope that her vision would clear up after lunch when my Mom sent Tina and I to Home Depot to pick up some caulk for the bathroom upstairs. We wandered among the mountainous aisles.
TINA: "Do you see the paint supplies aisle?"
ME: "Not yet."
TINA: "Well, keep looking. Because I can't SEE."
Fair enough. I would be mad if she had dumped out my last pair of contacts. We exited the store and were about to go home when a blind woman walked by us, tapping the ground with a cane. Tina ran up to the woman and grasped her arm. "My sister" she said, her voice quavering, "I know your pain."
I'd like to say this was the first time my family has used the blind to advance their own ambitions. I really would.
By the time we arrived home (I drove, of course), Tina had left Stage One: Groundwork, and had moved into Stage Two:
"Mom, let's call Michele." [my sister]
"But we just talked to her."
"I know. But we haven't talked to her since yesterday, if you know what I mean."
Oh, my Mom knew what she meant. Tina called Michele and told her a story that resembles the original story in the same way that road kill resemblances the original animal. And both of them told their friends, and my Mom told her friends, and the three of them, aware of the potential far-flung reach of the Internet, badgered me to recount the story on my web page for the past few weeks until I finally caved in.
And that's the real story, free of hyperbole and melodrama. Judge ye what you will. I welcome Tina or anyone else in my family to share their telling of the events, although I must warn them that the people who read my web page are exceeding intelligent and not prone to falling for--how should I say--a certain style of flim-flammery that has worked somewhat in the past.
February 22, 2005
The Real AARP
What does it say about our civilization when the line between parody and reality is completely destroyed?
Just look at this web ad, part of a right-wing campaign to attack the AARP for its resistance against the Bush administration's proposal to privatize Social Security. No application of my creative powers, at whatever strength or duration, could result in the creation of a funnier ad.
It can't be parodied. Comedy Emiril can not kick it up another notch. It is the only ad in human history where the addition of a monkey would make it less absurd.
I give up. I quit. What's the point in trying anymore? Hey, everyone! Democrats hate lollipops! Social Security sucks taffy out of your belly! Just say no to subsidizing robots!
I think I'm going to snap.
Just look at this web ad, part of a right-wing campaign to attack the AARP for its resistance against the Bush administration's proposal to privatize Social Security. No application of my creative powers, at whatever strength or duration, could result in the creation of a funnier ad.
It can't be parodied. Comedy Emiril can not kick it up another notch. It is the only ad in human history where the addition of a monkey would make it less absurd.
I give up. I quit. What's the point in trying anymore? Hey, everyone! Democrats hate lollipops! Social Security sucks taffy out of your belly! Just say no to subsidizing robots!
I think I'm going to snap.
February 17, 2005
You know, I hate Duke as much as anyone...
...but is this really the best poll for The Washington Post to run in terms of promoting good sportsmanship?
After making fun of Duke many times in my life, and several times on this blog, I have no authority to criticize someone else for fanning the anti-Duke flames. In fact, I may be a hypocrite in saying this. But besides the Teen Beat wording of the poll, it makes me uncomfortable that The Washington Post is actively encouraging the dislike of people, especially a non-professional player, J.J. Redick.
This is the type of poll I would expect to see on a blog or The Diamondback's web site (UMD's college newspaper). It seems out of character for a national newspaper.
After making fun of Duke many times in my life, and several times on this blog, I have no authority to criticize someone else for fanning the anti-Duke flames. In fact, I may be a hypocrite in saying this. But besides the Teen Beat wording of the poll, it makes me uncomfortable that The Washington Post is actively encouraging the dislike of people, especially a non-professional player, J.J. Redick.
This is the type of poll I would expect to see on a blog or The Diamondback's web site (UMD's college newspaper). It seems out of character for a national newspaper.
"Hope There's Someone" or Why I Subscribe to Salon.com
I have a subscription to Salon.com for two reasons.
One, to read Tom the Dancing Bug a day earlier than the peons who buy The Washington Post.
Two, because someone there has really good taste in music. You may have to watch a short ad to download this song,"Hope There's Someone" by Antony and the Johnsons, but it's worth the time. It's a stirring song that holds up to repeated listenings.
And if you're looking for a good indie rock radio station, give the IndiePop channel at Somafm.com a try. It's my favorite station on the web.
One, to read Tom the Dancing Bug a day earlier than the peons who buy The Washington Post.
Two, because someone there has really good taste in music. You may have to watch a short ad to download this song,"Hope There's Someone" by Antony and the Johnsons, but it's worth the time. It's a stirring song that holds up to repeated listenings.
And if you're looking for a good indie rock radio station, give the IndiePop channel at Somafm.com a try. It's my favorite station on the web.
Grey Kitty Update
From Red Ralph:
- "Last night after coming home from the vet Grey Kitty punched the black cat on the nose, took a swipe at Michele, and took a piss on our pillow. Michele has been heard under her breath saying things like "I hate Grey Kitty". Last night we changed Grey Kitty’s name to Rosemary's Baby.
Black Cat's name is still up in the air, but we are leaning towards Bird-Dog (or perhaps Bird-Dawg). That being said, name suggestions would still be very helpful."
A Post on Farscape, A.K.A. I've Neglected the Geek Inside Me for Too Long
Farscape has made me remember my inner nerd. I love science fiction, and considering so it's odd that I've written so little about topics related to it in the two-plus years I have been blog writing. Isn't that the point of having a blog, to share the minuate of your selective interests with a bunch of people, most of whom could care less?
What is Farscape? Why should I watch it? Oh, my friend, your questions will be answered.
The short:
Farscape, a sci-fi show that ran for 4 years, is the best sci-fi show in terms of character development ever made. No exaggeration. It has some flaws, but if you ever wanted to see a show where the characters and their relationships evolve in almost every episode, this is the show to watch. Some of the episodes also display a wicked sense of humor.
To get a sense if you will like the series or not, I suggest renting "Farscape: Season 1: Episodes 19 & 20: Nerve / The Hidden Memory" from an online DVD service such as NetFlix. And let me know if you do. Heck, if there's interest, I'll make it into a contest.
The long:
There are two types of TV shows: plot-driven and character-driven. In plot-driven shows, the characters and their relationships with each other are static, for the most part. The character in season 1 is essentially the same character in season 2 as he is in season 3, and so on. A plot-driven show can have extremely well-drawn out characters, but that alone doesn't make it a character-driven show. For example, the character's in Seinfeld were excellent, but no one tuned in to see if George would finally have an epiphany about his selfishness.
Character-driven shows are the opposite. In a good character-driven show, the characters gradually evolve from episode to episode. And because the character's development carries on from episode to episode, many of the plotlines carry over too.
Most television shows, especially sitcoms, are plot-driven. Season 1 Picard is essentially the same as Season 7 Picard, which is amazing considering that in real life, seven years of kicking ass and making Junior High kids titter every time you call for your second in command would change most people.
Deep Space Nine started off a plot-driven show and shifted towards being character driven in later seasons. When people argue whether ST:TNG or DS9 is the better show, they are essentially expressing their preference for plot-driven shows or character-driven shows. No format is inherently better. It's just a matter of preference.
That's why I suspect people who enjoy DS9, or character-driven dramas in general, would like Farscape because it has a relentless focus on character development. If I gave you an episode from the beginning, middle, and end of the first season without telling you when they took place, you could place them in order solely based on how the cast acts towards each other.
I think that's pretty cool. While this type of character development is a staple of any good drama, it is the first time I've seen it play a central role in a science fiction series. Central may even be too weak of a word--its really the defining characteristic of Farscape.
Well, that's my pitch. If you have a chance, watch two or three episodes and see if it catches your interest. It's been off the air for a few years; so your best bets are an online DVD service or downloading them from a file sharing service like EDonkey.
What is Farscape? Why should I watch it? Oh, my friend, your questions will be answered.
The short:
Farscape, a sci-fi show that ran for 4 years, is the best sci-fi show in terms of character development ever made. No exaggeration. It has some flaws, but if you ever wanted to see a show where the characters and their relationships evolve in almost every episode, this is the show to watch. Some of the episodes also display a wicked sense of humor.
To get a sense if you will like the series or not, I suggest renting "Farscape: Season 1: Episodes 19 & 20: Nerve / The Hidden Memory" from an online DVD service such as NetFlix. And let me know if you do. Heck, if there's interest, I'll make it into a contest.
The long:
There are two types of TV shows: plot-driven and character-driven. In plot-driven shows, the characters and their relationships with each other are static, for the most part. The character in season 1 is essentially the same character in season 2 as he is in season 3, and so on. A plot-driven show can have extremely well-drawn out characters, but that alone doesn't make it a character-driven show. For example, the character's in Seinfeld were excellent, but no one tuned in to see if George would finally have an epiphany about his selfishness.
Character-driven shows are the opposite. In a good character-driven show, the characters gradually evolve from episode to episode. And because the character's development carries on from episode to episode, many of the plotlines carry over too.
Most television shows, especially sitcoms, are plot-driven. Season 1 Picard is essentially the same as Season 7 Picard, which is amazing considering that in real life, seven years of kicking ass and making Junior High kids titter every time you call for your second in command would change most people.
Deep Space Nine started off a plot-driven show and shifted towards being character driven in later seasons. When people argue whether ST:TNG or DS9 is the better show, they are essentially expressing their preference for plot-driven shows or character-driven shows. No format is inherently better. It's just a matter of preference.
That's why I suspect people who enjoy DS9, or character-driven dramas in general, would like Farscape because it has a relentless focus on character development. If I gave you an episode from the beginning, middle, and end of the first season without telling you when they took place, you could place them in order solely based on how the cast acts towards each other.
I think that's pretty cool. While this type of character development is a staple of any good drama, it is the first time I've seen it play a central role in a science fiction series. Central may even be too weak of a word--its really the defining characteristic of Farscape.
Well, that's my pitch. If you have a chance, watch two or three episodes and see if it catches your interest. It's been off the air for a few years; so your best bets are an online DVD service or downloading them from a file sharing service like EDonkey.
February 16, 2005
My Family, the Comedy Writers
I could make this blog a lot funnier with much less work if I would just post my family's email exchanges.
My sister Michele got two cats over the weekend. She asked us to suggest names.
My other sister, Tina, influenced by the Borg system of nomenclature, suggested calling them Cat 1 and Cat 2.
"Tina, those are dumb names," I said.
Tina: "Do you remember when Michele had a bird? She called it Birdie. These are good names for her."
Cat 1 and Cat 2 didn't fly with the rest of the family, so the cats kept their place holder names, black kitty and little grey kitty.
Michele took an instant liking to black kitty. The cat is very playful and energetic. She runs back and forth across the floor, jumps on the keyboard, approaches Michele and her boyfriend Evan, and tries to follow the grey cat around wherever she goes.
The grey cat is very shy. She hides under the couch and darts away whenever someone approached. And during the first few days, she wasn't eating any food.
This brings us to yesterday when Michele sent this email:
(Michele) "Everyone: the little grey kitty is in the hospital overnight. We should get her back tomorrow, unless something expensive is wrong and then let's just pretend there never was a grey kitty."
I laughed. I asked Michele if I could put it on the blog.
(Tina) "Oh, I see. the only way to get written on pancake city is to talk about little cats dying. I see how it is. Michele, can't we add on some new charges* for this."
(Jason) "Tina, you finally figured it out. Hey, I'm pet sitting some cats over the weekend. Any advice?"
(Mom) "My advice is to do a pet switch with Michele's grey cat."
And that's my family. Grey kitty had a respiratory infection and will probably be fine. If you want to suggest names for my sister's cats, one of which she likes a lot better than the other, go ahead. My suggestion is Danny and Arnold, in honor of "Twins," but the cats are both female and a male name for a female cat is almost as crazy as a man getting pregnant.
*"New charges" is a reference to some still-unknown crime I committed a few emails back when I made a harmless joke about the wording of an email my Mom wrote. My Mom responded: " I refer this matter to my lawyer, Michele, and my special assistant, Tina. Take care of this guy."
Yes, that's right. My family thinks they are part of the mob.
My sister Michele got two cats over the weekend. She asked us to suggest names.
My other sister, Tina, influenced by the Borg system of nomenclature, suggested calling them Cat 1 and Cat 2.
"Tina, those are dumb names," I said.
Tina: "Do you remember when Michele had a bird? She called it Birdie. These are good names for her."
Cat 1 and Cat 2 didn't fly with the rest of the family, so the cats kept their place holder names, black kitty and little grey kitty.
Michele took an instant liking to black kitty. The cat is very playful and energetic. She runs back and forth across the floor, jumps on the keyboard, approaches Michele and her boyfriend Evan, and tries to follow the grey cat around wherever she goes.
The grey cat is very shy. She hides under the couch and darts away whenever someone approached. And during the first few days, she wasn't eating any food.
This brings us to yesterday when Michele sent this email:
(Michele) "Everyone: the little grey kitty is in the hospital overnight. We should get her back tomorrow, unless something expensive is wrong and then let's just pretend there never was a grey kitty."
I laughed. I asked Michele if I could put it on the blog.
(Tina) "Oh, I see. the only way to get written on pancake city is to talk about little cats dying. I see how it is. Michele, can't we add on some new charges* for this."
(Jason) "Tina, you finally figured it out. Hey, I'm pet sitting some cats over the weekend. Any advice?"
(Mom) "My advice is to do a pet switch with Michele's grey cat."
And that's my family. Grey kitty had a respiratory infection and will probably be fine. If you want to suggest names for my sister's cats, one of which she likes a lot better than the other, go ahead. My suggestion is Danny and Arnold, in honor of "Twins," but the cats are both female and a male name for a female cat is almost as crazy as a man getting pregnant.
*"New charges" is a reference to some still-unknown crime I committed a few emails back when I made a harmless joke about the wording of an email my Mom wrote. My Mom responded: " I refer this matter to my lawyer, Michele, and my special assistant, Tina. Take care of this guy."
Yes, that's right. My family thinks they are part of the mob.
And the winner is...
It appears that I have greatly overestimated the nerdiness of my friends and other readers of this blog. The Pancake City "Name the Somewhat Obscure Sci-Fi Show" contest has ended without a single entry.
And let me indulge in the use of italics some more. "Name the Somewhat Obscure Sci-Fi Show". This wasn't "Space: Above & Beyond" or anything. You think someone would have at least tossed me a "Babylon 5" or a "Stargate: SG-1", for crying out loud, like Captain Picard* did in Episode 137 ("There are four lights!").
Sheesh. I had more people apply to my fake contest, "Post If You’re a Child Molester," that I ran as a sting with the police.
And you know when I said the winner would get, "A yet-to-be-determined** but likely crappy prize"? I lied. The prize was completely determined and it was fucking awesome.
You know what else is fucking awesome? The show in question, whose aforementioned awesomeness is so high that it requires a separate post for the singing of its praises. An encomium will come soon.
* Hey, spell check. You red squiggle my main man again and I'll cut you.
** Actually, I wrote "detrimed". I would have spell checked it, but my previous spell checker put a red squiggle under Sisko, there was a knife nearby and…well, we all do things we're not proud of.
And let me indulge in the use of italics some more. "Name the Somewhat Obscure Sci-Fi Show". This wasn't "Space: Above & Beyond" or anything. You think someone would have at least tossed me a "Babylon 5" or a "Stargate: SG-1", for crying out loud, like Captain Picard* did in Episode 137 ("There are four lights!").
Sheesh. I had more people apply to my fake contest, "Post If You’re a Child Molester," that I ran as a sting with the police.
And you know when I said the winner would get, "A yet-to-be-determined** but likely crappy prize"? I lied. The prize was completely determined and it was fucking awesome.
You know what else is fucking awesome? The show in question, whose aforementioned awesomeness is so high that it requires a separate post for the singing of its praises. An encomium will come soon.
* Hey, spell check. You red squiggle my main man again and I'll cut you.
** Actually, I wrote "detrimed". I would have spell checked it, but my previous spell checker put a red squiggle under Sisko, there was a knife nearby and…well, we all do things we're not proud of.
February 11, 2005
Contest! Old content! There is only one letter different between contest and content!
I have difficultly concentrating on more than one writing project at a time. I've been focusing on writing comedy sketches for the past week, and every time I sit down to write a blog post I get wrapped up in the quite realistic worry that I will get distracted from my goal and have trouble regaining focus.
That's reason #1 for the sparse posts recently (or maybe they just feel sparse in comparison to my non-blog writing). Reason #2 is NetFlix. Reason #2.1: I joined NetFlix to watch episodes of the Best Sci-Fi Show You've Probably Never Heard About. Yes, I could just tell you the name of the show, but that would kill the suspense and this Pancake City contest.
A yet-to-be-determined but likely crappy prize for the first person to post the name of the show in the comments. Obviously, if I had a conversation with you in the last two weeks where I said something like "Hey, I found out about this really awesome Sci-Fi show called..." you are disqualified. But if you are miffed, I will create a special contest just for youse.
And...if you first visited this site in the last six months or less, you probably haven't read this. It's a column I wrote, the link to which got lost when I switched templates and may forever remain loss because I am Lazy.
******
That's reason #1 for the sparse posts recently (or maybe they just feel sparse in comparison to my non-blog writing). Reason #2 is NetFlix. Reason #2.1: I joined NetFlix to watch episodes of the Best Sci-Fi Show You've Probably Never Heard About. Yes, I could just tell you the name of the show, but that would kill the suspense and this Pancake City contest.
A yet-to-be-determined but likely crappy prize for the first person to post the name of the show in the comments. Obviously, if I had a conversation with you in the last two weeks where I said something like "Hey, I found out about this really awesome Sci-Fi show called..." you are disqualified. But if you are miffed, I will create a special contest just for youse.
And...if you first visited this site in the last six months or less, you probably haven't read this. It's a column I wrote, the link to which got lost when I switched templates and may forever remain loss because I am Lazy.
******
Lying About Robots College
I called Montgomery College's bookstore, located in Maryland, a few days ago. The voicemail rattled off a list of choices. Just as I was about to press '2' and miss the opportunity of a lifetime, I heard,
"Press 0 to speak to an automated attendant."
Automated attendant? A robot! The future is here! I almost ejaculated over my collection of Issac Asimov books. 0, 0, 0!
"There is no automated attendant this time."
Hold on a minute. Now, I don't know a lot about robots. But I do know that they work 23/7, with an hour to lube them and to check that they haven't gone crazy.
Do you see what MC is doing? They're posing regular employees as robots and, we can deduce, forcing them to talk in stilted voices and wave their arms in a worried manner.
That's wrong for robots, and even more wrong for non-robots. It's also something I cannot watch while sitting idly by.
"
Subject: 01000001001000000110001101101111011011010111
00000110110001100001011010010110111001110100
[translate]
Dear Ms. Tammy Shawver,
I recently called your bookstore and was shocked, surprised, saddened, chagrined, flummoxed, and anti-delighted to find that you tease customers with the siren's call of the future but do not indeed deliver.
I am of course talking about your claim to "Press 0 to speak to an automated attendant", i.e. a robot. Yet when I pressed 0--repeatedly--the promised robot was not to be found.
I ask you, where is the robot? Where is Tibor, Robby, R2D2, Data, Number 5, Crow T., Gorog, or Vicki? Where is the rigid thinking, the tender humanity? The beeps, the boops, and most of all, the blips.
This is the moment to define yourself. Are you Montgomery College, or Lying About Robots College? Do you have a B.S. in engineering, or a B.A. in BS? Do you have a master's degree in truth, or an honorary doctorate in deception?
Please employ real robots in your store as soon as possible. Robots are our friends and we should not deny them a place in our society. I AM NOT A NUT. Nuts don't realize the possibility that they are nuts.
Sincerely,
Cashew Johnson
February 09, 2005
Virginia: Defending Its Citizens Against Underwear
One of the most homophobic states in the Union shows that it's about so much more than the gays.
Va. Bill Sets Fine for Low-Riding Pants
Can we get a referendum for a "Three Stupid Laws and You're Out" measure? The first time someone gets fined under this (proposed) law, the state is going to be hit by a lawsuit and spend tens of thousands of dollars defending it in a losing effort. Is this even going to help the re-election campaign of the delegates sponsoring it? "Vote for me. I'm tough on pants."
Pantaloony, I tell you. It still needs to pass Virginia's Senate and be signed by the governor. Let's see if the other leg of the legislature goes along with this.
Va. Bill Sets Fine for Low-Riding Pants
Can we get a referendum for a "Three Stupid Laws and You're Out" measure? The first time someone gets fined under this (proposed) law, the state is going to be hit by a lawsuit and spend tens of thousands of dollars defending it in a losing effort. Is this even going to help the re-election campaign of the delegates sponsoring it? "Vote for me. I'm tough on pants."
Pantaloony, I tell you. It still needs to pass Virginia's Senate and be signed by the governor. Let's see if the other leg of the legislature goes along with this.
February 08, 2005
Social Security Parody
From the President's talk on Social Security, February 4, 2005, FL.
* "So, to give you an example, in 2027, the system will be $200 billion short. In other words, they collect X amount of payroll taxes, but because baby boomers like me are living longer and have been promised greater benefits, we're $200 billion short that year -- that year. And the next year is bigger than $200 billion. In 3037 [sic], it's like $300 billion."
* "Now, there's some rules, and it's important for you to know the rules. One, you can't take your money that you set aside in the personal account and go to the race track." (Applause.)
* "All ideas are on the table except running up the payroll tax. And I don't care whether it's a Democrat idea, Republican idea, independent idea, I'm interested in ideas."
(From the 3rd Presidential debate:
KERRY:"And, like Franklin Roosevelt*, I don't care whether an idea is a Republican idea or a Democrat idea. I just care whether it works for America and whether it's going to make us stronger." )
(*One has to admire Bush's gumption in invoking the philosophy of the man who created Social Security to help destroy it.)
*(The grand finale: just try and make sense of what he is saying).
* "So, to give you an example, in 2027, the system will be $200 billion short. In other words, they collect X amount of payroll taxes, but because baby boomers like me are living longer and have been promised greater benefits, we're $200 billion short that year -- that year. And the next year is bigger than $200 billion. In 3037 [sic], it's like $300 billion."
* "Now, there's some rules, and it's important for you to know the rules. One, you can't take your money that you set aside in the personal account and go to the race track." (Applause.)
* "All ideas are on the table except running up the payroll tax. And I don't care whether it's a Democrat idea, Republican idea, independent idea, I'm interested in ideas."
(From the 3rd Presidential debate:
KERRY:"And, like Franklin Roosevelt*, I don't care whether an idea is a Republican idea or a Democrat idea. I just care whether it works for America and whether it's going to make us stronger." )
(*One has to admire Bush's gumption in invoking the philosophy of the man who created Social Security to help destroy it.)
*(The grand finale: just try and make sense of what he is saying).
Q "-- really understand how is it the new plan is going to fix that problem?"
THE PRESIDENT: "Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to what has been promised.
Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.
Okay, better? I'll keep working on it. (Laughter.)"
February 07, 2005
On the back of bottles of Liquid-Plumr:
TO DISPOSE: Offer empty container for recycling. If recycling is not available, discard container in trash.
***
CUSTOMER SERVICE: "Liquid-Plumr. How can I help you?"
PERSON: Hi. What exactly do you mean by "offer empty container for recycling"?
CS: It means you can put it in your recycling container, if you have one.
PERSON: So that's an ix-nay on placing it outside on a pile of mulch, surrounded by a circle of candles, and smearing the blood of a sacrificial goat upon your naked body while you chant a paean to Kronos, God of recycling, as part of an effort for him to accept your humble offering?
CS: Yeah.
***
CUSTOMER SERVICE: "Liquid-Plumr. How can I--"
PERSON: "Hi. Me again. I tried discarding container in trash, but my trashcan won't take it."
CS: "It won't 'take it'?"
PERSON: "Well, it doesn't have an opening, so I threw the container at it and it bounced off the top."
CS: "Is the lid open?"
PERSON: "The lid! Yes. It all makes sense now. You've unclogged my brain AND my drain."
***
CS: "Liquid-Plumr. How can I help you?"
PERSON: "What happened to the B? Is Liquid-Plumrrr drunk?"
[click]
PERSON: "Is that a dial tone, or are you slurring an 'O'?"
***
CS: "Liquid-Plumr."
PERSON: "Have we spoke before?"
CS: "No. I just started today."
PERSON: "Excellent. I have a suggestion. On the back of the bottle, the directions say, "If recycling is not available, discard container in trash." Discard is a harsh word. It batters a container's fragile self-esteem at a delicate point in his life when he is wrestling with the question, "Now what?" That's why you should change the wording to "promote container to trash." Give them hope. Let them know that, whatever path life next takes them, it can be just as rich and fulfilling as unclogging hair out of drains."
CS: "Is this a joke?"
PERSON: "You got me. This is Ron from finance."
CS: "Ha ha! I knew it."
PERSON: "Ha ha! Kidding aside, I have some bad news. You're fired."
***
CUSTOMER SERVICE: "Liquid-Plumr. How can I help you?"
PERSON: Hi. What exactly do you mean by "offer empty container for recycling"?
CS: It means you can put it in your recycling container, if you have one.
PERSON: So that's an ix-nay on placing it outside on a pile of mulch, surrounded by a circle of candles, and smearing the blood of a sacrificial goat upon your naked body while you chant a paean to Kronos, God of recycling, as part of an effort for him to accept your humble offering?
CS: Yeah.
***
CUSTOMER SERVICE: "Liquid-Plumr. How can I--"
PERSON: "Hi. Me again. I tried discarding container in trash, but my trashcan won't take it."
CS: "It won't 'take it'?"
PERSON: "Well, it doesn't have an opening, so I threw the container at it and it bounced off the top."
CS: "Is the lid open?"
PERSON: "The lid! Yes. It all makes sense now. You've unclogged my brain AND my drain."
***
CS: "Liquid-Plumr. How can I help you?"
PERSON: "What happened to the B? Is Liquid-Plumrrr drunk?"
[click]
PERSON: "Is that a dial tone, or are you slurring an 'O'?"
***
CS: "Liquid-Plumr."
PERSON: "Have we spoke before?"
CS: "No. I just started today."
PERSON: "Excellent. I have a suggestion. On the back of the bottle, the directions say, "If recycling is not available, discard container in trash." Discard is a harsh word. It batters a container's fragile self-esteem at a delicate point in his life when he is wrestling with the question, "Now what?" That's why you should change the wording to "promote container to trash." Give them hope. Let them know that, whatever path life next takes them, it can be just as rich and fulfilling as unclogging hair out of drains."
CS: "Is this a joke?"
PERSON: "You got me. This is Ron from finance."
CS: "Ha ha! I knew it."
PERSON: "Ha ha! Kidding aside, I have some bad news. You're fired."
February 03, 2005
SOTU
I tuned in late to President Bush's SOTU address and entertained myself by getting a running tally of standing ovations vs. smirks. It was 17 standing ovations to 14 smirks when he said he supported a constitutional amendment against gay marriage and some Republicans leapt out their seats and erupted in glee.
I haven't seen people get this excited about discrimination since the 1950s. It's too bad our leaders don't get as excited about reducing the budget deficit. Bush mentioned "deficit" once and "freedom" 21 times. If only someone could get him to view the issue as "Freedom…from deficits!" or to reframe tax cuts as "Freedom cuts" we would be getting somewhere.
I wonder how long the President's mention of a gay-marriage amendment will go to satiate the religious conservatives who threatened to withhold supporting his Social Security proposal if he doesn't submit an amendment to Congress. (Evidentially, Jesus hates Social Security and gays.) I almost feel sad for the conservatives that thinks he really cares about it. Bush is going on daily trysts with his Social Security privatization proposal, doodling hearts over its name, spending all his time daydreaming about it, fantasizing about gliding his fingertips over Privy's rippling muscles that will tear Social Security apart out of love for him.
Then he gets home to Ms. Anti-Gay Marriage, her hair in curlers and covered by a fishnet cap, her pink bathrobe tightly knotted at the waist to squeeze in her corpulent belly. She is on the verge of tears. "I need to know: do you love me?" George sighs. "Yeah, yeah. Of course." She grabs his shirt, almost pulling it off with her pudgy, chocolate-covered fingers on it. "Then take me."
George muffles his revulsion. All that escapes is an almost imperceptible shudder. "How about next week? I'm really tired" he says and runs off to the bedroom before she can argue.
He pulls the covers tightly over his head. She pays the rent, but he won't need her for ever. "Just a few more months. A few more months."
Haloscan Makes Me Feel Good
I like how Haloscan says "Comment successfully posted" after sending a comment. It makes me feel like when I had to bounce a rubber ball in preschool 20 times in a row as part of a hand-eye coordination test, and I did it! That was the day the extra cup of juice was mine.
More computer programs should be like that. When you turn on your computer, the first message shouldn't be "File corrupted" or "ERROR at 07DE:0850" (I use Windows) but "Nice job pressing that power button!" Starting Photoshop: "Who's that cutie opening me up?" Deleting a file: "Did you do that all by yourself? Good job!"
And, most important of all, the 3.5 in. disk drive should be replaced with a cookie dispenser. Separate juice holder unneccessary. That's what CD-ROM drives are for.
More computer programs should be like that. When you turn on your computer, the first message shouldn't be "File corrupted" or "ERROR at 07DE:0850" (I use Windows) but "Nice job pressing that power button!" Starting Photoshop: "Who's that cutie opening me up?" Deleting a file: "Did you do that all by yourself? Good job!"
And, most important of all, the 3.5 in. disk drive should be replaced with a cookie dispenser. Separate juice holder unneccessary. That's what CD-ROM drives are for.
February 02, 2005
A Few Washington Post Headlines
Council Chides Duncan on Costs
"$3.99 for half a dozen donuts? That's ridiculous."
Frost Drops Out of DNC Race
Now one-on-one contest between Dean, Ice Balls.
Redskins Drop New Payment Policy
Blood of first-born no longer required. Second born acceptable with deposit.
Chickenpox Cases Decline Sharply
Replaced with new, fearsome "Deathpox" cases.
(Live after the speech) Instant Analysis Discussion
Headline collapses under weight of own oxymoron-inity
"$3.99 for half a dozen donuts? That's ridiculous."
Frost Drops Out of DNC Race
Now one-on-one contest between Dean, Ice Balls.
Redskins Drop New Payment Policy
Blood of first-born no longer required. Second born acceptable with deposit.
Chickenpox Cases Decline Sharply
Replaced with new, fearsome "Deathpox" cases.
(Live after the speech) Instant Analysis Discussion
Headline collapses under weight of own oxymoron-inity
January 31, 2005
Star Wars: Episode III Preview
This just-released, extended preview of Star Wars: Episode III is very entertaining, although it contains so many scenes from the movie that it may spoil the movie for some of you (link from MicheleBoing).
Warning: Do Not Wear Helmet
The helmet to protect people you don't really love (link from BoingBoing).
Yes, this blog has degenerated into a collection of links I find on other blogs.
Degenerated? More like evolved. Hooooo!
Shut up. I created you. I can destroy you.
Destroy me? You can't even find your car keys. Besides, I'm a manifestation of your psyche. An incorporeal being, unlike your ear hair. How are you going to destroy me, drive a spike through my brain?
I could watch four hours of VH1's "I Love The 80s" where a bunch of C-list comics make fun of D-list musicians and actors from the 80s who used to be considered B-list artists and are now remembered for a few A-list works, the relevancy to their own lives of which is lost on the C-list comics whose stand-up acts consist of popping a few pills of E before going to stage to tell F-laden jokes about the difficulties of finding a woman's G-spot that will go over crowds five years from now like an H-bomb, if the comics are lucky enough to be shown on "I Love The 00s".
Okay. I'll be good.
Yes, this blog has degenerated into a collection of links I find on other blogs.
Degenerated? More like evolved. Hooooo!
Shut up. I created you. I can destroy you.
Destroy me? You can't even find your car keys. Besides, I'm a manifestation of your psyche. An incorporeal being, unlike your ear hair. How are you going to destroy me, drive a spike through my brain?
I could watch four hours of VH1's "I Love The 80s" where a bunch of C-list comics make fun of D-list musicians and actors from the 80s who used to be considered B-list artists and are now remembered for a few A-list works, the relevancy to their own lives of which is lost on the C-list comics whose stand-up acts consist of popping a few pills of E before going to stage to tell F-laden jokes about the difficulties of finding a woman's G-spot that will go over crowds five years from now like an H-bomb, if the comics are lucky enough to be shown on "I Love The 00s".
Okay. I'll be good.
January 28, 2005
Coatgate
This photo of Cheney at a ceremony commemorating the 60th anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz is like a reverse "Where's Waldo?"
I say "Coatgate" in jest--his attire is a faux pas, and calling it more than that is blowing the error out of proportion. But there is something absurdly funny at seeing the Vice President of our country sit in a sea of somberly-dressed mourners in a coat that looks like he bought it five minutes ago at a ski lodge.
It's the type of thing that lends itself to comedy. Robin Givhan wrote a snidely humorous article about Cheney's outfit. And, with a chorus of complaints against the Bush administration of being insensitive over the past several years (e.g. Rumsfeld auto-signing condolence letters to the families of dead soldiers, Wolfowitz not knowing how many Americans have died in Iraq, Bush not expressing his condolences to the tsunami victims until the third day) this image may be more symbolically powerful than one would at first guess.
On a tangential note, has anyone noticed how wardrobe malfunction is no longer used ironically? Who made the decision to take the air quotes of that one?
I say "Coatgate" in jest--his attire is a faux pas, and calling it more than that is blowing the error out of proportion. But there is something absurdly funny at seeing the Vice President of our country sit in a sea of somberly-dressed mourners in a coat that looks like he bought it five minutes ago at a ski lodge.
It's the type of thing that lends itself to comedy. Robin Givhan wrote a snidely humorous article about Cheney's outfit. And, with a chorus of complaints against the Bush administration of being insensitive over the past several years (e.g. Rumsfeld auto-signing condolence letters to the families of dead soldiers, Wolfowitz not knowing how many Americans have died in Iraq, Bush not expressing his condolences to the tsunami victims until the third day) this image may be more symbolically powerful than one would at first guess.
On a tangential note, has anyone noticed how wardrobe malfunction is no longer used ironically? Who made the decision to take the air quotes of that one?
SpongeBrains
Sometimes I wonder if James Dobson, leader of the religious nutjob group "Focus on the Family", is secretly an athiest trying to tarnish religion in general. Every few months, he makes some loonly anti-gay comment under the name of God and it gets spread out through the entire media.
You may have heard of his recent attack against SpongeBob SquarePants and other cartoon characters for appearing in a children's video designed to promote tolerance of all people, including EVIL GAYS.
The United Church of Christ came out with a hilarious response to him. I wish more religious organizations would repudiate Dobson as publicly.
You may have heard of his recent attack against SpongeBob SquarePants and other cartoon characters for appearing in a children's video designed to promote tolerance of all people, including EVIL GAYS.
The United Church of Christ came out with a hilarious response to him. I wish more religious organizations would repudiate Dobson as publicly.
January 26, 2005
TEERRRRRPS!
Faith is restored! The Blue Bitches have been smacked!
They put up a good game, those 15-0 Duke Blue Dev--oops. My bad. Let me just get my electronic pen out.
15-0
So the 15-1 Duke Blue Devils--hold on a sec.
Blue Devils
It was a close game, but eventually the Maryland basketball team pulled away from the 15-1 Duke Sucky Sucks. What's the deal with Nik Caner-Medley? He used to be the doofus with double the last names and half the talent, and now he's the team's best player. When did the Beast with the Least become the Beast from the East?
Maryland has been playing poorly most of the season, and this may end up being their only marquee win, but who cares? I don't think anyone was expecting them to win. They were on the path to missing the NCAA tournament and now their season has life. Duke may have a rough second half of the season as they still have to play UNC, WF, and GT twice (for non-college-basketball fans, that's the Unruly Neat Co-op, Wiggle Freaks, and Gem-Tron, the basketball team from the 24th century).
They put up a good game, those 15-0 Duke Blue Dev--oops. My bad. Let me just get my electronic pen out.
So the 15-1 Duke Blue Devils--hold on a sec.
It was a close game, but eventually the Maryland basketball team pulled away from the 15-1 Duke Sucky Sucks. What's the deal with Nik Caner-Medley? He used to be the doofus with double the last names and half the talent, and now he's the team's best player. When did the Beast with the Least become the Beast from the East?
Maryland has been playing poorly most of the season, and this may end up being their only marquee win, but who cares? I don't think anyone was expecting them to win. They were on the path to missing the NCAA tournament and now their season has life. Duke may have a rough second half of the season as they still have to play UNC, WF, and GT twice (for non-college-basketball fans, that's the Unruly Neat Co-op, Wiggle Freaks, and Gem-Tron, the basketball team from the 24th century).
Super Unleaded Comedy Fuel
Say what you want about the Bush administration, but give them credit where credit is due: providing the best fodder for comics and cartoonists than any administration in decades.
And for D.C. residents: this.
And for D.C. residents: this.
January 25, 2005
"What Did I Miss?"
(A sketch I wrote.)
A shabbily-dressed man with a crazed look slowly stumbles across the stage. CITIZEN, reading a newspaper as she walk, heads towards him. The man grabs her.
SHABBY MAN: Please, miss. What day is it?
CITIZEN: January 27th.
SHABBY MAN: What year?
CITIZEN: [puzzled] Year? 2005.
SHABBY MAN: [stunned] You're the first person I've seen in over twelve months.
CITIZEN: Where have you been?
SHABBY MAN: I was trapped under L'Enfant Plaza. I fell down a pothole and a car parked over me. The meter ran out. Five seconds later, it got a boot.
CITIZEN: Oh my God. It was there the whole time? How did you get out?
SHABBY MAN: A larger pothole took the car. I climbed out by standing on top of it.
CITIZEN: That's horrible. Can I get you something? What can I do?
SHABBY MAN: Please, just tell me what I missed.
CITIZEN: Where should I start?
SHABBY MAN: Anything. Sports. How are the Redskins doing?
CITIZEN: Well, Joe Gibbs came back.
SHABBY MAN: [gasps] The Gibbsiah. Are we in the Super Bowl?
CITIZEN: Um, no.
SHABBY MAN: Damn. We lost the Conference Championship.
CITIZEN: Not exactly.
SHABBY MAN: Second round?
CITIZEN: Hmmmm…
SHABBY MAN: Wild card?
CITIZEN: I'm not sure how to put this...
SHABBY MAN: 8-8?
CITIZEN: 6-10.
SHABBY MAN: [spirit crushed]. I can't believe it. They're worse than the Wizards.
CITIZEN: Actually, they're doing pretty good.
SHABBY MAN: And the Caps?
CITIZEN: How are you feeling right now?
SHABBY MAN: Not well.
CITIZEN: Let's switch to something else.
SHABBY MAN: [thinks for a moment] Bennifer! Are they--?
CITIZEN: I'm sorry.
SHABBY MAN: Oh. Brad and Jennifer?
[shakes head no]
SHABBY MAN: Britney and Jason?
CITIZEN: Who?
SHABBY MAN: Britney Spears and Jason A. Alexander. They got married in Las Vegas. I fell down the manhole the next day.
CITIZEN: They broke up after 55 hours.
SHABBY MAN: [looks away, stares off] All this time I thought I was living a dream. But it was really a nightmare. What about the gays?
CITIZEN: They still can't get married.
SHABBY MAN: Yeah, that makes sense.
CITIZEN: Are you interested in politics?
SHABBY MAN: The election! What's been doing on with the economy?
CITIZEN: It's still in a slump.
SHABBY MAN: Iraq?
CITIZEN: On the brink of civil war.
SHABBY MAN: The debates?
CITIZEN: Bush got creamed.
SHABBY MAN: So who's the new President?
CITIZEN: George Bush.
SHABBY MAN: What? Howard Dean still lost?
CITIZEN: Actually, it was John Kerry.
SHABBY MAN: Who?
CITIZEN: Exactly.
SHABBY MAN: Is there any reason to stay out here?
CITIZEN: Uh, American Idol is coming back for another season?
SHABBY MAN: I'll be in my hole.
A shabbily-dressed man with a crazed look slowly stumbles across the stage. CITIZEN, reading a newspaper as she walk, heads towards him. The man grabs her.
SHABBY MAN: Please, miss. What day is it?
CITIZEN: January 27th.
SHABBY MAN: What year?
CITIZEN: [puzzled] Year? 2005.
SHABBY MAN: [stunned] You're the first person I've seen in over twelve months.
CITIZEN: Where have you been?
SHABBY MAN: I was trapped under L'Enfant Plaza. I fell down a pothole and a car parked over me. The meter ran out. Five seconds later, it got a boot.
CITIZEN: Oh my God. It was there the whole time? How did you get out?
SHABBY MAN: A larger pothole took the car. I climbed out by standing on top of it.
CITIZEN: That's horrible. Can I get you something? What can I do?
SHABBY MAN: Please, just tell me what I missed.
CITIZEN: Where should I start?
SHABBY MAN: Anything. Sports. How are the Redskins doing?
CITIZEN: Well, Joe Gibbs came back.
SHABBY MAN: [gasps] The Gibbsiah. Are we in the Super Bowl?
CITIZEN: Um, no.
SHABBY MAN: Damn. We lost the Conference Championship.
CITIZEN: Not exactly.
SHABBY MAN: Second round?
CITIZEN: Hmmmm…
SHABBY MAN: Wild card?
CITIZEN: I'm not sure how to put this...
SHABBY MAN: 8-8?
CITIZEN: 6-10.
SHABBY MAN: [spirit crushed]. I can't believe it. They're worse than the Wizards.
CITIZEN: Actually, they're doing pretty good.
SHABBY MAN: And the Caps?
CITIZEN: How are you feeling right now?
SHABBY MAN: Not well.
CITIZEN: Let's switch to something else.
SHABBY MAN: [thinks for a moment] Bennifer! Are they--?
CITIZEN: I'm sorry.
SHABBY MAN: Oh. Brad and Jennifer?
[shakes head no]
SHABBY MAN: Britney and Jason?
CITIZEN: Who?
SHABBY MAN: Britney Spears and Jason A. Alexander. They got married in Las Vegas. I fell down the manhole the next day.
CITIZEN: They broke up after 55 hours.
SHABBY MAN: [looks away, stares off] All this time I thought I was living a dream. But it was really a nightmare. What about the gays?
CITIZEN: They still can't get married.
SHABBY MAN: Yeah, that makes sense.
CITIZEN: Are you interested in politics?
SHABBY MAN: The election! What's been doing on with the economy?
CITIZEN: It's still in a slump.
SHABBY MAN: Iraq?
CITIZEN: On the brink of civil war.
SHABBY MAN: The debates?
CITIZEN: Bush got creamed.
SHABBY MAN: So who's the new President?
CITIZEN: George Bush.
SHABBY MAN: What? Howard Dean still lost?
CITIZEN: Actually, it was John Kerry.
SHABBY MAN: Who?
CITIZEN: Exactly.
SHABBY MAN: Is there any reason to stay out here?
CITIZEN: Uh, American Idol is coming back for another season?
SHABBY MAN: I'll be in my hole.
Another Reason Google Rules
They released a television search engine (limited capabilities for now).
Ten to 20 years from now, when the totality of Google's business plan comes to fruition, I think they will be regarded as one of the most visionary, important companies, offline or on, to ever exist.
The Aristocrats
If you are on the borderline between going to heaven and hell, why not remove the guesswork and laugh at this.
South Park's Version of "The Aristocrats." (explanation in link)
If you want to get fired, this is the perfect video to play with the speakers turned all the way up.
South Park's Version of "The Aristocrats." (explanation in link)
If you want to get fired, this is the perfect video to play with the speakers turned all the way up.
January 22, 2005
January 21, 2005
News Fun
"Inch of snow cripples North Carolina's capital." Finally. A city that even D.C. can make fun of.
Police Probe Allegation Against Bill Cosby" (read the 1st two paragraphs and check out the photo they chose)
Police Probe Allegation Against Bill Cosby" (read the 1st two paragraphs and check out the photo they chose)
January 20, 2005
Bush's Inauguration Speech
Although I have deep doubts based on the past four years that his actions will match his words, President Bush expressed some noble sentiments in his inauguration speech today. Sentiments that, if you take them at face value, are the heart of liberal internationalism. A few snippets:
"All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: the
"We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands. The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world."
What Bush is saying is amazing, actually. He is stating that the ideal of spreading liberty and fighting tyranny by itself is a worthy enough reason to use the diplomatic and military power of the United States.
Rarely in American history has any foreign policy action been sincerely argued solely for idealistic reasons. For Iraq, the administration focused on propping up Iraq's ties to Al-qaeda and WMD capabilities, i.e. tangible practical reasons.
If the Bush administration argued that we should invade Iraq solely because he was a brutal dictator and forgoed the WMD and Al-qaeda angles, do you think he would have gotten as much support for the war?
Bush's argument is as liberal as it gets. Human rights as reason enough for international action is the argument of organizations like Amnesty International. Yet, in essence, this is what Bush said.
The ¼ Assed, Half-Baked, Completely Obnoxious Pancake City Political Dictionary and Unnecessarily Long Title Revision Project
The writer of a political web site I read occasionally posted a humorous "Republican Dictionary" that was compiled from reader submissions by editors of The Nation, a liberal weekly periodical.
I read it, found a smattering of the entries funny but thought that the entry writers didn't have enough distance from what they were mocking and often eschewed a more clever route for a political jab. For example:
OWNERSHIP SOCIETY, n. Bush is a jack-ass!
See? Not very funny. So I embarked on one of my most obnoxious comedy ventures ever and started rewriting their dictionary.
CONCEITED, adj. 1. Thinking you are funnier than everyone else without actual proof. 2. Bush is a loser!
"Woah, this is harder than it looks." But I plowed on, getting up to "E" and fairly happy with what I wrote before going to bed.
I wake up today, open the file at my computer and…I got nothing. The entries whose heavy-handedness inspired me to rewrite them now seemed acceptable, some of them even funny.
This may either be a temporary lapse in creativity or a premature end to my grand plan. Regardless, here is A-E in the revised Pancake City Revised Republican Dictionary. Modified entries have an asterisk before them. You can see the original here.
I read it, found a smattering of the entries funny but thought that the entry writers didn't have enough distance from what they were mocking and often eschewed a more clever route for a political jab. For example:
OWNERSHIP SOCIETY, n. Bush is a jack-ass!
See? Not very funny. So I embarked on one of my most obnoxious comedy ventures ever and started rewriting their dictionary.
CONCEITED, adj. 1. Thinking you are funnier than everyone else without actual proof. 2. Bush is a loser!
"Woah, this is harder than it looks." But I plowed on, getting up to "E" and fairly happy with what I wrote before going to bed.
I wake up today, open the file at my computer and…I got nothing. The entries whose heavy-handedness inspired me to rewrite them now seemed acceptable, some of them even funny.
This may either be a temporary lapse in creativity or a premature end to my grand plan. Regardless, here is A-E in the revised Pancake City Revised Republican Dictionary. Modified entries have an asterisk before them. You can see the original here.
*ACTIVIST JUDGE, n. A judge who is for women voting blacks voting gays voting…what? They can already vote? Fuck.
*ALARMIST, n. Scientist interviewed on NPR.
*ALLIES, n. Foreigners who do what we tell them to do in exchange for…um, I don't know. Surplus Twinkies?
*ALTERNATIVE ENERGY SOURCES, n. 1. Part of President's visionary plan to free America of her lifelong dependence on foreign oil by financing private-sector fuel cell companies coupled with a conservation-based energy policy that will---who are we kidding? Let's club some seals.
*BALANCED, adj. 1. A fundamental property of the universe that states for every anti-Bushon created in our universe, two to three pro-Bushons must be created in a separate universe. Also in this separate universe, all the life forms scream at each other and accuse their friends of jiggling the balls of terrorists.
BI-PARTISANSHIP, n. When conservative Republicans work together with moderate Republicans to pass legislation Democrats hate.
CIVIL LIBERTIES, n. Unnecessary privileges that you aren't afraid of losing unless you are a God-hating, baby-killing, elitist liberal who loves Saddam Hussein more than your own safety.
* CLARIFY, v. The exact opposite of what the President said yesterday.
* CLASS WARFARE, n. The noun cited when a Republican is asked if there is any warfare he doesn't like.
* CLEAN, adj. A powerful modifier that saves Republican legislators hours of time from having to write good environmental legislation.
* CLIMATE CHANGE, n. An air-tight explanation of global warming based on
* COALITION, n. The
* CONVICTION, n. What would have happened to the Bush administration if the Democrats controlled the investigative arm of Congress.
* CULTURE OF LIFE, n. By inference, a culture that is a lot better than the Democrats' condom-based Culture of Death.
* DEATH TAX, n. An absolutely horrible, cruel and unfair tax, if anything like its name suggests actually existed.
* DEMOCRACY, n. Holding a $40 million inauguration party in a time of war while forcing the people who voted 9 to 1 against you to foot the security bill. Suck it, D.C. If you don't like it, you can complain to your Senator…oh, that's right [snicker].
* DEMOCRATIC ALLY, n.
* DEREGULATE, v. A Republican meat processing plant owner's wet dream.
* DETAIN, v. An awesome new procedure that lets you hold someone as long as you want as long as you think he's a terrorist but never actually charge him as one.
* ECONOMIC PROGRESS, n. A condition that occurs when the following three criteria are met. 1. People in the upper class are better off than their parents. 2. People in the middle class are better--huh? Sure, I'll play racquetball. No, it's cool. I'll finish the rest later.
ECONOMIC RECOVERY, n. When three out of five software engineers who lost their jobs to outsourcing are able to find part-time work at Wal-Mart.
ELECTION FRAUD, n. Counting every vote.
* FAIRER, adj. Another modifier, similar to "clean", that is critical for any legislation to be successful. Example: "The Clean Fairer Death Tax Freedom Act of 2005"
January 18, 2005
Sizzlin' Hot Girl on Girl Action
That's what I would be writing about, if it weren't for the following post on Social Security. And being gay.
After thinking more about what I wrote a few days ago about President Bush's plan to partially privatize Social Security, I have come to two conclusions.
1. There is no way I can pass up the awesomely pretentious opportunity to link to one of my own posts. In fact, one day I hope to construct an entry made solely of links to other entries while I sip a grande mocha cappuccino from Starbucks and complain that no one reads my page.
2. I covered a very small number of the dynamics that will decide the eventual success or failure of President Bush's Magic Mystery Proposal and Tour Bus (details coming soon!). Since writing the post, I have thought of at least half a dozen factors I didn't consider at the time.
I think what I wrote is applicable to President Bush's aim to paint the Social Security system as being in crisis, but not to the overall effort to partially privatize Social Security. I'm not confident in predicting how it will turn out, primarily because I don't know how much importance to assign to the power of misinformation.
The Bush administration has been extremely successful exaggerating the truth, exploiting self-imposed boundaries of the press and using rhetorical techniques to manipulate people. In short, they synthesized the principles of advertising with politics more effectively than any administration before them. (I would be surprised if future Presidents, Republican and Democrat, do not follow their lead.)
The result of this heightened mix is that the debate over the correct course for Social Security may be determined much more by people's preconceptions and misconceptions than reality and fact. What these preconceptions are, how widely they are held, how easily they can be played upon and changed--the pieces are just starting to come together.
Some of this misinformation may even hurt Bush's efforts, like an AARP campaign saying his plan will be financed by killing 1 in 10 elderly people and selling their heads to punk kids to use as basketballs.
I hope facts have a strong role to play in this debate, but I'm doubtful. If they don't, I'll just have to comfort myself by remembering three simple principles:
WAR IS PEACE
FREEDOM IS SLAVERY
RYAN SEACREST DOESN'T SUCK
January 17, 2005
...
At an anti-war protest in the run-up to the Iraq war, I saw a banner that said, "One day we must come to see that peace is not merely a distant goal we seek, but that it is a means by which we arrive at that goal. --MILK."
"Wow," I thought, "That's really neat of milk to come out against the war."
Then the wind rustled the banner and I realized I misread the end. It said MLK.
"Wow," I thought, "That's really neat of milk to come out against the war."
Then the wind rustled the banner and I realized I misread the end. It said MLK.
January 14, 2005
Mix O' Stuff
* God: the first activist judge.
* People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. If you're rich enough to own a glass house, don't sully your hand with a dirty-ass stone. Have the maid do it.
* When a sports announcer says, "How do ya like that?" I usually don't.
* People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. If you're rich enough to own a glass house, don't sully your hand with a dirty-ass stone. Have the maid do it.
* When a sports announcer says, "How do ya like that?" I usually don't.
January 13, 2005
Dog Story
Yesterday, my dog walking duties took me to a new house. Unfamiliar dogs require a strategy: open the door, say the dog's name several times in a bright, happy voice, and hope it doesn't go for the balls.
Arlo, a pint-size beagle, kept his distance. He wiggled a few steps towards me before losing courage and darting away, stopping only to launch a few high-pitched barks at the strange man in front of him.
Unfortunately for Arlo, dogs are the only creature in the animal kingdom that
Or, for Arlo, half a sausage treat, no bigger than a thumbnail. Before his treat, my intention was obvious: to snatch Arlo and ship him to the processing department of a Puppy Juice Factory. Afterwards, I could obviously be trusted, because bad people don't have treats.
If you think the logic behind this is suspect, let me say this: terrorists hate freedom. We didn't go to war for WMDs. Bad people don't have treats.
Face an unfriendly dog, though, and all it takes to gain his love is tossing him the doggie equivalent of a string of Mardi Gras beads. Flip them titties, doggie! Papa wants to take you on a walk.
Willy Wonka's Fantastical Crisis Machine
I will go on record now as saying that I think President Bush's proposal to privatize Social Security will turn out to be a political blunder (I'm assuming you know why it's bad on policy grounds). Two reasons, both relating to how he was able to convince many people that Iraq was an imminent threat to the United States.
One, people's fears over national security, influenced by 9/11, made them more open towards taking drastic actions. Essentially, many people accepted the administration's argument that it's better to be safe than sorry ("we don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud").
Social Security doesn't tap into this primal fear of being hurt or killed that cuts across all age groups. It involves the fear of financial security, something less emotionally intense than personal security, and a fear that only affects a subset of the population, namely people receiving checks or about to receive them in the near future.
The lesser degree of fear, as compared to the overall mood invading Iraq, will make it harder for illogical or specious arguments to sway people.
The second reason why President Bush will find creating a false crisis much more difficult for Social Security than Iraq is that there is much more solid information available to Bush's opponents this time. Before the war, the state of Saddam Hussien's weapons programs were unknown. There were people claiming that we were vastly over-estimating the state of his weapons capabilities, but there was no convincing proof.
With Social Security, most of President Bush's statements can be fact-checked. The division between truth and deception is much more clear and it makes it easier for newspapers to say the truth without appearing biased and for people to evaluate the President's claims itself.
For example, take the President's claims that the Social Security system is in a crisis. Counter-answer: if we did absolutely nothing, and the economy did poorly, the trust fund would still pay 70% of benefits in 2042.
That's the type of simple, easily-understood response that was absent during what passed as the pre-war debate. Already, there is a sign that Bush is backing off the word "crisis" and switching to "problem" (search for "crisis problem", 2/3 down).
A multi-million dollar ad campaign financed by banking institutions plus intense lobbying can change a lot. But the initial indications is that Democrats are united, Republicans are wary of committing right now, and Bush's re-use of his successful "Create a Crisis" strategy may backfire as the trust it needs to pull off has eroded due to the aftermath of Iraq.
It can be done, especially with a Republican-controlled Congress, but it will take amazing political skills plus Democratic bungling to make it happen.
And everyone has permission of rubbing this in my face if I'm wrong.
One, people's fears over national security, influenced by 9/11, made them more open towards taking drastic actions. Essentially, many people accepted the administration's argument that it's better to be safe than sorry ("we don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud").
Social Security doesn't tap into this primal fear of being hurt or killed that cuts across all age groups. It involves the fear of financial security, something less emotionally intense than personal security, and a fear that only affects a subset of the population, namely people receiving checks or about to receive them in the near future.
The lesser degree of fear, as compared to the overall mood invading Iraq, will make it harder for illogical or specious arguments to sway people.
The second reason why President Bush will find creating a false crisis much more difficult for Social Security than Iraq is that there is much more solid information available to Bush's opponents this time. Before the war, the state of Saddam Hussien's weapons programs were unknown. There were people claiming that we were vastly over-estimating the state of his weapons capabilities, but there was no convincing proof.
With Social Security, most of President Bush's statements can be fact-checked. The division between truth and deception is much more clear and it makes it easier for newspapers to say the truth without appearing biased and for people to evaluate the President's claims itself.
For example, take the President's claims that the Social Security system is in a crisis. Counter-answer: if we did absolutely nothing, and the economy did poorly, the trust fund would still pay 70% of benefits in 2042.
That's the type of simple, easily-understood response that was absent during what passed as the pre-war debate. Already, there is a sign that Bush is backing off the word "crisis" and switching to "problem" (search for "crisis problem", 2/3 down).
A multi-million dollar ad campaign financed by banking institutions plus intense lobbying can change a lot. But the initial indications is that Democrats are united, Republicans are wary of committing right now, and Bush's re-use of his successful "Create a Crisis" strategy may backfire as the trust it needs to pull off has eroded due to the aftermath of Iraq.
It can be done, especially with a Republican-controlled Congress, but it will take amazing political skills plus Democratic bungling to make it happen.
And everyone has permission of rubbing this in my face if I'm wrong.
January 12, 2005
Work, Brain, Work!
I'm not sure why, but I haven't been motivated to write for the past few days.
In the meantime, here's a pizza box.
In the meantime, here's a pizza box.
January 08, 2005
January 07, 2005
January 05, 2005
January 04, 2005
Cat and Girl
My modus operandi for posting links is to bookmark them, wait a few days until I forget where I found the original link, and then present it as my own discovery.
Like Cat and Girl! The quality from comic to comic is uneven, but she draws from a greater bank of material than most comic creators choose to, and the result is that even when the gags aren't as sharp as they could be, the strip retains an infectious weirdness about it that make it fresh and interesting to read.
Cat makes lunch.
Cat and Girl feign interest.
Like Cat and Girl! The quality from comic to comic is uneven, but she draws from a greater bank of material than most comic creators choose to, and the result is that even when the gags aren't as sharp as they could be, the strip retains an infectious weirdness about it that make it fresh and interesting to read.
Cat makes lunch.
Cat and Girl feign interest.
People did a lot of drugs in the 60s...
...and then they made Superman comics.
"Jimmy, this gift you got me for Father's Day makes me sorry I ever adopted you as a son."
"Jimmy, this gift you got me for Father's Day makes me sorry I ever adopted you as a son."
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