Dog Story

Yesterday, my dog walking duties took me to a new house. Unfamiliar dogs require a strategy: open the door, say the dog's name several times in a bright, happy voice, and hope it doesn't go for the balls.

Arlo, a pint-size beagle, kept his distance. He wiggled a few steps towards me before losing courage and darting away, stopping only to launch a few high-pitched barks at the strange man in front of him.

Unfortunately for Arlo, dogs are the only creature in the animal kingdom that Hollywood movie logic works on. If you are ever burglarizing a house, and a vicious, rabid dog darts out of the darkness, his chain snapping tight inches before his fangs bury themselves into your thigh, there is no need to panic. For you really can toss the dog a T-bone steak and make it your friend.

Or, for Arlo, half a sausage treat, no bigger than a thumbnail. Before his treat, my intention was obvious: to snatch Arlo and ship him to the processing department of a Puppy Juice Factory. Afterwards, I could obviously be trusted, because bad people don't have treats.

If you think the logic behind this is suspect, let me say this: terrorists hate freedom. We didn't go to war for WMDs. Bad people don't have treats.

Alas, Hollywood movie logic works with no other animal. Put a real monkey on roller skates, and he will snap off his diaper and fling it at your head. Swim with the dolphins, mimicking their grace as you arc in and out of the water, and one of them will whack you in the gut with its snout while the other will snap off your trunks.

Face an unfriendly dog, though, and all it takes to gain his love is tossing him the doggie equivalent of a string of Mardi Gras beads. Flip them titties, doggie! Papa wants to take you on a walk.