"What Did I Miss?"

(A sketch I wrote.)

A shabbily-dressed man with a crazed look slowly stumbles across the stage. CITIZEN, reading a newspaper as she walk, heads towards him. The man grabs her.

SHABBY MAN: Please, miss. What day is it?

CITIZEN: January 27th.

SHABBY MAN: What year?

CITIZEN: [puzzled] Year? 2005.

SHABBY MAN: [stunned] You're the first person I've seen in over twelve months.

CITIZEN: Where have you been?

SHABBY MAN: I was trapped under L'Enfant Plaza. I fell down a pothole and a car parked over me. The meter ran out. Five seconds later, it got a boot.

CITIZEN: Oh my God. It was there the whole time? How did you get out?

SHABBY MAN: A larger pothole took the car. I climbed out by standing on top of it.

CITIZEN: That's horrible. Can I get you something? What can I do?

SHABBY MAN: Please, just tell me what I missed.

CITIZEN: Where should I start?

SHABBY MAN: Anything. Sports. How are the Redskins doing?

CITIZEN: Well, Joe Gibbs came back.

SHABBY MAN: [gasps] The Gibbsiah. Are we in the Super Bowl?

CITIZEN: Um, no.

SHABBY MAN: Damn. We lost the Conference Championship.

CITIZEN: Not exactly.

SHABBY MAN: Second round?

CITIZEN: Hmmmm…

SHABBY MAN: Wild card?

CITIZEN: I'm not sure how to put this...

SHABBY MAN: 8-8?

CITIZEN: 6-10.

SHABBY MAN: [spirit crushed]. I can't believe it. They're worse than the Wizards.

CITIZEN: Actually, they're doing pretty good.

SHABBY MAN: And the Caps?

CITIZEN: How are you feeling right now?

SHABBY MAN: Not well.

CITIZEN: Let's switch to something else.

SHABBY MAN: [thinks for a moment] Bennifer! Are they--?

CITIZEN: I'm sorry.

SHABBY MAN: Oh. Brad and Jennifer?

[shakes head no]

SHABBY MAN: Britney and Jason?

CITIZEN: Who?

SHABBY MAN: Britney Spears and Jason A. Alexander. They got married in Las Vegas. I fell down the manhole the next day.

CITIZEN: They broke up after 55 hours.

SHABBY MAN: [looks away, stares off] All this time I thought I was living a dream. But it was really a nightmare. What about the gays?

CITIZEN: They still can't get married.

SHABBY MAN: Yeah, that makes sense.

CITIZEN: Are you interested in politics?

SHABBY MAN: The election! What's been doing on with the economy?

CITIZEN: It's still in a slump.

SHABBY MAN: Iraq?

CITIZEN: On the brink of civil war.

SHABBY MAN: The debates?

CITIZEN: Bush got creamed.

SHABBY MAN: So who's the new President?

CITIZEN: George Bush.

SHABBY MAN: What? Howard Dean still lost?

CITIZEN: Actually, it was John Kerry.

SHABBY MAN: Who?

CITIZEN: Exactly.

SHABBY MAN: Is there any reason to stay out here?

CITIZEN: Uh, American Idol is coming back for another season?

SHABBY MAN: I'll be in my hole.