[Scene: Satan is at his office desk, reviewing the quarterly torture reports.]
SATAN: [mumbling] “Whippings, down 2%. Boiling, down 7%. Sheesh, rack 352 is still busted?” [knock on door]. “Come in.”
EDWARD: “Sir, if I may have a moment of your time?”
SATAN: “Hurry up.”
EDWARD: “Well, I just wanted to say...HAPPY DEVIL DAY!!!”
Edward, Spike, Rock Man, Gary the Imp (the Gimp), Cerberus, and the Exploding Pixies rush in with what looks like a Fudgie the Whale ice-cream cake, red and black confetti, and party streamers.
EDWARD: “One, two three...” [all] “Hap-py Dev-il Day To Youuu, Hap-py Dev-il Day TO Youuu...”
SATAN: “What the hell is going on here!”
The party goers fall silent.
EDWARD: “My lord, it’s 6\6\06. Devil Day.”
GIMP: “You’re the devil. You’re my boss.”
SATAN: “Excuse me?”
GIMP: “Can we eat ice-cream now?”
EDWARD: “666. The devil’s number.”
PIXIES: [squeaking] “666! 666! 666!”
GIMP: “Hee hee. I like that song. 666! 666! 666!”
SATAN: “Somebody zip his mask up.”
EDWARD: “Sir, no!”
ROCK MAN: “Rock Man ‘Zip It Up’ Old School.”
Rock Man raises his fist and lowers it on Gary the Imp’s skull, knocking him unconscious.
EDWARD: “ ‘Zip It Up’ is the latest Rock Man slang for “crush stuff” ."
SATAN: “You want to send me an email, next time? Spike, Cerberus, take him out. Actually, everyone out. Except you, Edward.”
Everyone except Edward leaves.
EDWARD: “My lord, I was only trying to lighten up the atmosphere. Morale has been low ever since you removed Sulfur Friday’s, you know.”
SATAN: “666? The devil’s number?”
EDWARD: “Well, I can explain.”
SATAN: “What happened to five? I specifically told you over two millennium ago to make five my number.”
EDWARD: “Five didn’t test well.”
SATAN: “ ‘Didn’t test well?’ I’m the Lord of Freakin’ Darkness. It shouldn’t matter.”
EDWARD: “But humans use five all the time. High five. Nine to five. Hawaii Five-o. After a few dozen years, it lost its panache.”
SATAN: “ ‘Panache’? Edward, Rule #17.”
EDWARD: “Sorry, sir. No French in Hell.”
SATAN: “So now I’m stuck with 666?”
EDWARD: “I’m sorry.”
SATAN: “Well, I guess it could be worse. So when’s the next Devil Day?”
EDWARD: “Let’s see...” [Edward flips through his day planner] That’ll be...1000 years from now.”
SATAN: “Great. He gets one day every year, and I get one day every millennium. And they wonder why I’m bitter. [sighs] Bring over, Fudgie.”
EDWARD: “About Fudgie. I should warn you that—“
SATAN: “This isn’t Fudgie the Whale! This is Jonah and the Whale.”
EDWARD: “They were out of Fudgie. But this looks just like him, and the clerk told me that the carrot cake is delicious.”
SATAN: “Carrots? If I wanted to eat carrots, I’d go to heaven. Just leave. Give it to the Gimp when he wakes up. And tell him to unzip his mouth before he eats.”
June 06, 2006
Back to the Future
This is a placeholder for an upcoming post. I know it's a little silly, but it will help motivate me to write it when I get home today.
June 05, 2006
Bush Revives Gay Marriage Ban
It's nice to know that when everything is going wrong, you can still pick yourself up by bashing a gay person. We're the chocolate of bigots.
June 04, 2006
An Uncomfortable Conversation
While descending from the peak of Mount Everest, a mountain climber collapsed and his friends, thinking he was dead, left him behind.
Later, another climber check on him, found that he was still alive, and helped him make it to camp.
CLIMBER1: "Cheers, everyone! We did it!"
CLIMBER2: "To us!" [they clink champagne glasses and drink]
CLIMBER1: "Hey, you know who that looks like?"
CLIMBER2: "Where?"
CLIMBER1: "I swear that looks like...oh my God."
LINCOLN HALL: "Hello, guys."
[CLIMBER1 and CLIMBER2 smile uncomfortably]
CLIMBER1: "Lincoln! You're alive!"
CLIMBER2: "We're so happy to see you. We thought you were dead."
HALL: "I know. I saw your boots kick snow in my face as you left me behind."
CLIMBER1: "Yeah, about that. Look, we really thought you were dead."
CLIMBER2: "Super dead. We would have carried you back if you were just dead."
CLIMBER1: "You weren't moving at all. Or breathing."
CLIMBER2: "You looked lifeless."
HALL: "I was clinging to your leg for dear life, Charles. Before you shook me off."
CLIMBER2: "Oh, that was you?"
HALL: "Who did you think it was?"
CLIMBER2: "...Polar bear."
HALL: "YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS A POLAR BEAR CLINGING TO YOUR LEG ON THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST!"
CLIMBER2: [sheepish] "Or a penguin."
HALL: "I'm going to kill you guys."
Later, another climber check on him, found that he was still alive, and helped him make it to camp.
CLIMBER1: "Cheers, everyone! We did it!"
CLIMBER2: "To us!" [they clink champagne glasses and drink]
CLIMBER1: "Hey, you know who that looks like?"
CLIMBER2: "Where?"
CLIMBER1: "I swear that looks like...oh my God."
LINCOLN HALL: "Hello, guys."
[CLIMBER1 and CLIMBER2 smile uncomfortably]
CLIMBER1: "Lincoln! You're alive!"
CLIMBER2: "We're so happy to see you. We thought you were dead."
HALL: "I know. I saw your boots kick snow in my face as you left me behind."
CLIMBER1: "Yeah, about that. Look, we really thought you were dead."
CLIMBER2: "Super dead. We would have carried you back if you were just dead."
CLIMBER1: "You weren't moving at all. Or breathing."
CLIMBER2: "You looked lifeless."
HALL: "I was clinging to your leg for dear life, Charles. Before you shook me off."
CLIMBER2: "Oh, that was you?"
HALL: "Who did you think it was?"
CLIMBER2: "...Polar bear."
HALL: "YOU THOUGHT THERE WAS A POLAR BEAR CLINGING TO YOUR LEG ON THE TOP OF MOUNT EVEREST!"
CLIMBER2: [sheepish] "Or a penguin."
HALL: "I'm going to kill you guys."
June 03, 2006
How Dogs Find Disgusting Things To Eat
WORK DOG: “Hello. This is Doginos.”
HUNGRY DOG: “Hi. I’d like to order a crumpled-up tissue.”
WORK DOG: “Any toppings?”
HUNGRY DOG: “Yeah. Ants, chicken bones, and...hmm, how bout extra gum?”
WORK DOG: “That it?”
HUNGRY DOG: “That’s it.”
WORK DOG: “Okay. Your total is $5.97, and your order will be ready in ruffly 15 minutes. How would you like to pay for it?”
HUNGRY DOG: “My master’s credit card, of course.”
WORK DOG: “What’s the number?”
HUNGRY DOG: “Um....I can’t read. Can I just chew it for a few minutes?”
WORK DOG: “That’ll work. You can pick up your tissue by the tipped-over trashcan on the corner of Elm and Piedmont.”
HUNGRY DOG: “Excellent. I’ll drag my owner over there as soon as possible. Thanks.”
HUNGRY DOG: “Hi. I’d like to order a crumpled-up tissue.”
WORK DOG: “Any toppings?”
HUNGRY DOG: “Yeah. Ants, chicken bones, and...hmm, how bout extra gum?”
WORK DOG: “That it?”
HUNGRY DOG: “That’s it.”
WORK DOG: “Okay. Your total is $5.97, and your order will be ready in ruffly 15 minutes. How would you like to pay for it?”
HUNGRY DOG: “My master’s credit card, of course.”
WORK DOG: “What’s the number?”
HUNGRY DOG: “Um....I can’t read. Can I just chew it for a few minutes?”
WORK DOG: “That’ll work. You can pick up your tissue by the tipped-over trashcan on the corner of Elm and Piedmont.”
HUNGRY DOG: “Excellent. I’ll drag my owner over there as soon as possible. Thanks.”
June 02, 2006
New Posts
I'll be writing a new post every day for the next five days, starting today.
Michele, my sister, went to see The Da Vinci Code last weekend. When the credits began rolling, a woman in front of her yelled, "That was good! The critics were wrong!"
Michele then yelled, "I'm Roger Ebert's wife! Fuck you!"
Okay, Michele didn't really say that. But why? I know you were thinking it. It's not like people were going to think, "That first lady, the one shouting to one in particular, she had a good point. But I don't know what Roger Ebert's wife was thinking about.
I don't understand the appeal of watching The Da Vinci Code for those who read the book. I look forward to movie adaptations of books that create a rich, elaborate world, particularly those of fantasy and science fiction. The Da Vinci Code's idea of cleverness is to use italics on evey page. (Seriously. Do you have the book with you? Open it. Any part. Italics. That's how you know he's thinking.)
What is interesting about the book are the ideas behind it, not the world constructed to support the ideas. Am I wrong? If you read the book and are looking forward to seeing the movie, tell me why.
Michele, my sister, went to see The Da Vinci Code last weekend. When the credits began rolling, a woman in front of her yelled, "That was good! The critics were wrong!"
Michele then yelled, "I'm Roger Ebert's wife! Fuck you!"
Okay, Michele didn't really say that. But why? I know you were thinking it. It's not like people were going to think, "That first lady, the one shouting to one in particular, she had a good point. But I don't know what Roger Ebert's wife was thinking about.
I don't understand the appeal of watching The Da Vinci Code for those who read the book. I look forward to movie adaptations of books that create a rich, elaborate world, particularly those of fantasy and science fiction. The Da Vinci Code's idea of cleverness is to use italics on evey page. (Seriously. Do you have the book with you? Open it. Any part. Italics. That's how you know he's thinking.)
What is interesting about the book are the ideas behind it, not the world constructed to support the ideas. Am I wrong? If you read the book and are looking forward to seeing the movie, tell me why.
May 25, 2006
The Washington D.C. version of "You Know You're A Redneck When..."
You know your legal defense is is trouble when...
Your supporters defend you by using a video clip from the Colbert Report.
Your supporters defend you by using a video clip from the Colbert Report.
May 22, 2006
Names
Have you ever overheard a person's name that is so weird that you feel compelled to turn around and look at the person, as if to confirm the name belongs to a human and not, for example, a turtle, or a dog?
"Hey, Pixel, wait up!" (Pixel?)
Well, that's how I felt yesterday when I overheard a dog owner talk to his dog, Bob.
"Hey, Pixel, wait up!" (Pixel?)
Well, that's how I felt yesterday when I overheard a dog owner talk to his dog, Bob.
Barbaro Can Stand!
(from the Washington Post, in regards to an accident at the Kentucky Derby)
"The news came as a huge relief to those who had stood vigil outside the hospital and to Barbaro's fan base, which had grown exponentially in number since the jockey's dominant victory at the Kentucky Derby on May 6."
Oops. I made a typo. The vigil wasn't held for a jockey. Barbaro is the horse.
I can understand the horse's owner and those who take care of him being deeply concerned. But that's not the image I get from "vigil." I picture a few dozen people holding candles and swaying back and forth to "Kum-ba-ya". Which, unless they are degenreate gamblers who took the over for the horse surviving, seems like an overreaction.
"The news came as a huge relief to those who had stood vigil outside the hospital and to Barbaro's fan base, which had grown exponentially in number since the jockey's dominant victory at the Kentucky Derby on May 6."
Oops. I made a typo. The vigil wasn't held for a jockey. Barbaro is the horse.
I can understand the horse's owner and those who take care of him being deeply concerned. But that's not the image I get from "vigil." I picture a few dozen people holding candles and swaying back and forth to "Kum-ba-ya". Which, unless they are degenreate gamblers who took the over for the horse surviving, seems like an overreaction.
May 21, 2006
Starship Troopers
One of my best friends is moving to Kansas in several weeks. I knew he was moving, but I didn't know until last night that he would be traveling a lot in the meantime and might not see each other again until moving day, which he graciously offered me to spend some quality time with him by helping him move (thanks, bud).
I was feeling depressed when I got home and didn't want to go to bed sad. I cycled through the cable channels a few times before seeing that Starship Troopers was on, and decided to watch it for a while.
(See what you drove me to, Sean?)
Some critics liked the movie, but many of them lambasted Starship Troopers as a horrible film. I can see where the critics are coming from. The acting is wooden, the characters one-dimensional, the plot uninventive, and the special events aren't even that well done.
I found though that the movie is more odd than bad. The movie takes place in the future, where people are blissfully unaware that they live in an authoritarian society. A group of presumably high-school students are graduating and deciding which branch of the military to join (although the positions are described using the language of civic responsibility, like calling a soldier a "citizen").
There is a race of alien bugs in a galaxy that the government says has the power to go from planet to planet and hurl asteroids at Earth. When an asteroid hits Buenos Aeries, the planet, whipped into a fury with the help of the media, mobilizes for war against the bugs.
What's odd is that all of the obvious flaws in the movie--the stereotypical characters, hackneyed dialogue and relationships, unsophisticated plot--are deliberate. Even the makeup on the actors seems deliberately over-applied.
But the movie almost never winks at the viewer to say "we're poking fun at something else" or gives much of a hint as to the purpose of using this style. The only easily noticeable nudge to the audience is the periodic news telecasts, done in the style of 1950s American or Soviet propaganda commercials.
I could only watch half of the movie, so I may have missed the point, but I came away thinking that the movie was a propaganda movie about propaganda. It used all the simple tricks and trades employed by propaganda makers of years ago to make fun of the type of society that could create such propaganda.
I was feeling depressed when I got home and didn't want to go to bed sad. I cycled through the cable channels a few times before seeing that Starship Troopers was on, and decided to watch it for a while.
(See what you drove me to, Sean?)
Some critics liked the movie, but many of them lambasted Starship Troopers as a horrible film. I can see where the critics are coming from. The acting is wooden, the characters one-dimensional, the plot uninventive, and the special events aren't even that well done.
I found though that the movie is more odd than bad. The movie takes place in the future, where people are blissfully unaware that they live in an authoritarian society. A group of presumably high-school students are graduating and deciding which branch of the military to join (although the positions are described using the language of civic responsibility, like calling a soldier a "citizen").
There is a race of alien bugs in a galaxy that the government says has the power to go from planet to planet and hurl asteroids at Earth. When an asteroid hits Buenos Aeries, the planet, whipped into a fury with the help of the media, mobilizes for war against the bugs.
What's odd is that all of the obvious flaws in the movie--the stereotypical characters, hackneyed dialogue and relationships, unsophisticated plot--are deliberate. Even the makeup on the actors seems deliberately over-applied.
But the movie almost never winks at the viewer to say "we're poking fun at something else" or gives much of a hint as to the purpose of using this style. The only easily noticeable nudge to the audience is the periodic news telecasts, done in the style of 1950s American or Soviet propaganda commercials.
I could only watch half of the movie, so I may have missed the point, but I came away thinking that the movie was a propaganda movie about propaganda. It used all the simple tricks and trades employed by propaganda makers of years ago to make fun of the type of society that could create such propaganda.
It's akin to someone parodying poor writing by copying the bad writing instead of writing poorly in a clever way.
I still don't think it is a good movie, because there has to be some distance between what you create and what you are parodying, or you're no longer parodying the subject. You're emulating it. But there is a sort of sophistication behind the movie that makes it more interesting than it appears at first glance.
I can't recommend that people watch it because I gave up on the movie midday through. It's difficult to watch, and I didn't have the sense that the director was moving towards a larger point that would justify the style he chose in making the movie. If I'm wrong, let me know and I'll rent it and finish watching.
May 19, 2006
France Photos
I broke down and bought a Flickr Pro account a few days ago, so I'll be putting up more photos. Family and anyone else who's interested: here are the photos of when Tina and I went to France. I might add some comments to them in a few days, but the France photos don't particularly lend themselves to comedy.
Update: Actually, I will add comments in a day or two. I'll view it as a comedy challenge: making the French funny. All I need now is some fish, a gun, and a barrel.
Update: Actually, I will add comments in a day or two. I'll view it as a comedy challenge: making the French funny. All I need now is some fish, a gun, and a barrel.
May 18, 2006
Pancake City Contest
The 2006 J-Wal Mix CD Extravaganza (Pt. 1) has just been released, and you can win a free copy.
In conjuction with Pancake City's music label, the Sounds of Syrup, we are giving away one (1) free, autographed copy of the latest release from J-Wal to anyone living in the continental United States. Except Idaho. Sorry, I just don't trust you guys.
The first person who leaves a comment in this post will win the CD. Good luck. (Offer not valid for anyone who has received a pre-release copy).
In conjuction with Pancake City's music label, the Sounds of Syrup, we are giving away one (1) free, autographed copy of the latest release from J-Wal to anyone living in the continental United States. Except Idaho. Sorry, I just don't trust you guys.
The first person who leaves a comment in this post will win the CD. Good luck. (Offer not valid for anyone who has received a pre-release copy).
May 17, 2006
Full Metal Alchemist
Does anyone watch this show? It's a cartoon drama that airs weekly on The Cartoon Network at night. I watched a few epsidoes, and so far, I'm very impressed. The storytelling and writing is better than most of what is on TV, animated or otherwise. I'm thinking of subscribing to NetFlix just to watch the episodes.
You Know, I Do Work During the Day
Okay, part of the day. But if you think I'm going to wake up before 10:00 A.M. just to write a blog entry, you're crazier than my employer who expects me to be at work by 10:00 A.M. And my employer is the Federation Moon Patrol, president: Capt. Crazy Pants. EASTERN STANDARD TIME DOESN'T EXIST IN SPACE! AND STOP PUTTING YOUR MOON PANTS ON YOUR HEAD.
I got a postcard today for "The Largest and Most Exciting Stamp Show in the World." Raise the roof, United States Postal Service. On the postcard are pictures of two stamps: "Tallest Geyser" with a gushing geyser, and "Most Active Volcano". an exploding volcano. Okay, okay, we get it! Why don't you add an image of a train going through a tunnel while you're at it? Pervs.
Show highlights on the back:
* See the world's most valuable stamps and watch as 80 new postage stamps are issued! You could have had me at 20 new postage stamps. But thanks for the gravy.
* Meet Ranger Rick, Postman Pat. Mr. ZIP, and other SURPRISE guests. (Who? Who? Who? Let me guess: Lenny Letter and Alan Thicke.)
This is the first mail I've gotten from the postal service in months. Which is weird, because it's free for them. Well, free like how printing paper from the office supply closet is free. But free enough. If I could send free mail, I'd send a letter every day. I wouldn't even address the letter. I'd just send it to everyone. It'll get to the right person eventually. Everyone else can throw it away.
I'd send anonymous letters to complete strangers, just to confuse them.
"Thanks for the tea bag! As promised, here it is. -- Larry."
"Dogs love you. Except dogs named Ronaldo. Grrrr."
"WHY DID YOU OPEN ME!!! I was having the most wonderful dream."
Well, it's 4:30 p.m. Time for my first nap.
I got a postcard today for "The Largest and Most Exciting Stamp Show in the World." Raise the roof, United States Postal Service. On the postcard are pictures of two stamps: "Tallest Geyser" with a gushing geyser, and "Most Active Volcano". an exploding volcano. Okay, okay, we get it! Why don't you add an image of a train going through a tunnel while you're at it? Pervs.
Show highlights on the back:
* See the world's most valuable stamps and watch as 80 new postage stamps are issued! You could have had me at 20 new postage stamps. But thanks for the gravy.
* Meet Ranger Rick, Postman Pat. Mr. ZIP, and other SURPRISE guests. (Who? Who? Who? Let me guess: Lenny Letter and Alan Thicke.)
This is the first mail I've gotten from the postal service in months. Which is weird, because it's free for them. Well, free like how printing paper from the office supply closet is free. But free enough. If I could send free mail, I'd send a letter every day. I wouldn't even address the letter. I'd just send it to everyone. It'll get to the right person eventually. Everyone else can throw it away.
I'd send anonymous letters to complete strangers, just to confuse them.
"Thanks for the tea bag! As promised, here it is. -- Larry."
"Dogs love you. Except dogs named Ronaldo. Grrrr."
"WHY DID YOU OPEN ME!!! I was having the most wonderful dream."
Well, it's 4:30 p.m. Time for my first nap.
May 16, 2006
Pancake City: American Inventor
Here are some of the inventions I've been working on recently:
Hairy Hair Gel--For balding men. Hair gel with clumps of hair in it to help fill out the thin spots.
GayDar 3000--A black market device that will only be sold to virulent homophobes looking to attack gay men and women. The titanium-plated device is a handheld radar screen that uses a flashing pink dot to point out all other owners of GayDar 3000s.
Wireless "I'm Not Crazy" Device--A hands-free headset that looks like a cellphone earpeice so people who like to talk to themselves won't look crazy. Our responsibility to deal with the mental illnesses of our nation's homeless is finally over!
Automatic Bill Pay--I'm not keen about this one, but my friend Bill kept bugging me to invent it.
Hairy Hair Gel--For balding men. Hair gel with clumps of hair in it to help fill out the thin spots.
GayDar 3000--A black market device that will only be sold to virulent homophobes looking to attack gay men and women. The titanium-plated device is a handheld radar screen that uses a flashing pink dot to point out all other owners of GayDar 3000s.
Wireless "I'm Not Crazy" Device--A hands-free headset that looks like a cellphone earpeice so people who like to talk to themselves won't look crazy. Our responsibility to deal with the mental illnesses of our nation's homeless is finally over!
Automatic Bill Pay--I'm not keen about this one, but my friend Bill kept bugging me to invent it.
May 01, 2006
Stephen Colbert's Speech at the White House Correspondents' Association Dinner
April 27, 2006
April 25, 2006
Posts are Coming!
I have 3 or 4 half-written posts that I haven't had time to finish yet. I know often many of my posts are indistinguishable from a drunk monkey typing at a stenographer's keyboard and drinking bourbon out of a Mr. Bobo-brand metal flask. That is obviously a false impression to have. The monkey can type faster, and BANANA ME NEED GO GO.
But I'll finish one of them when I get home today. I was digging through my old files, trying to find something I wrote a few years ago that I could post. It took me twenty minutes, about how much time I would need to write up one of the ideas that I have. The result? A whole paragraph, which I probably already posted:
But I'll finish one of them when I get home today. I was digging through my old files, trying to find something I wrote a few years ago that I could post. It took me twenty minutes, about how much time I would need to write up one of the ideas that I have. The result? A whole paragraph, which I probably already posted:
Anti-depressants would be a lot more effective if they gave you superpowers. Like heat vision. People who can shoot lasers out of their eyes don'’t feel worthless. Superman has the weight of the world on his shoulders, but you never see him taking Prozac. Of course, his therapist accuses him of flying away from his problems.
THERAPIST: "You can't blow away your problems, Superman. Eventually, they'll thaw, and still be there, the same as when you froze them."
SUPERMAN: "So you're saying I should skip the freeze breath and just blast everything with my heat vision?"
THERAPIST: "No. I'm saying--"
SUPERMAN: "Throw them into outer space?"
THERAPIST: "Hold on. Just listen on me."
SUPERMAN: "I'm listening."
THERAPIST: "What I'm saying--"
SUPERMAN: "Hold on. I'm listening to the sex therapist two floors below us."
April 18, 2006
Headline...
Bear attack victim loved nature, hated bears, dad says
Okay, I added the "hated bears" part.
This was on the front page of Yahoo. I think they're testing the waters for Summer of the Bear.
Okay, I added the "hated bears" part.
This was on the front page of Yahoo. I think they're testing the waters for Summer of the Bear.
April 14, 2006
Notes to a Dog Walking Client, #53
(Sophie is a Golden Retriever who carries a red Kong in her mouth during most of our walk)
[note 1]
Sophie has ADDD--Attention Deficit Dog Disorder. She's like, "I love my Kong, I love my Kong, I love my Kong...ooh, a grease stain!" I'd think about getting her a prescription of Ruffalin. Two out of five psychiatrists recommend it. That's almost 50%!
[note 2]
I like the note I wrote today a lot. But since it won't stick to the fridge, I put it in the fridge. It's going to be a nationwide trend. Cousins on the outside, children next to the eggs. Not that I'm your child. Or your cousin. But I'm kind of like family. Like a strang-child, or a half-cousin.
Man, I gotta put this one in the fridge too. Or as the kids say nowadays, "Fridge it up!"
[note 3] (on counter)
Notes are in the fridge!
[note 1]
Sophie has ADDD--Attention Deficit Dog Disorder. She's like, "I love my Kong, I love my Kong, I love my Kong...ooh, a grease stain!" I'd think about getting her a prescription of Ruffalin. Two out of five psychiatrists recommend it. That's almost 50%!
[note 2]
I like the note I wrote today a lot. But since it won't stick to the fridge, I put it in the fridge. It's going to be a nationwide trend. Cousins on the outside, children next to the eggs. Not that I'm your child. Or your cousin. But I'm kind of like family. Like a strang-child, or a half-cousin.
Man, I gotta put this one in the fridge too. Or as the kids say nowadays, "Fridge it up!"
[note 3] (on counter)
Notes are in the fridge!
April 10, 2006
Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions in Parade
[cover]
Screen superstar Tom Cruise asks: 'Who's To Say What's Normal?'
Not you.
[Personality Parade]
Please settle a bet. My wife says the best-known Three Stooges are still alive. I say no. Who pays?
Tell your wife the Stooges are dead. As well as your marriage. Your idea of excitement is a Three Stooges-fueled clash of the minds? And what did you bet, loser has to tape "Green Acres" on Nick at Night for a week?
[Ask Marilyn]
What can be found in the following words: zygote, taxi, wave, cuts, re--
Hold on. I'll finish the list. Inane, insulting, genius, IQ, opportunities, lost, job, answering, moronic, questions, depressed, suicidal, death.
Screen superstar Tom Cruise asks: 'Who's To Say What's Normal?'
Not you.
[Personality Parade]
Please settle a bet. My wife says the best-known Three Stooges are still alive. I say no. Who pays?
Tell your wife the Stooges are dead. As well as your marriage. Your idea of excitement is a Three Stooges-fueled clash of the minds? And what did you bet, loser has to tape "Green Acres" on Nick at Night for a week?
[Ask Marilyn]
What can be found in the following words: zygote, taxi, wave, cuts, re--
Hold on. I'll finish the list. Inane, insulting, genius, IQ, opportunities, lost, job, answering, moronic, questions, depressed, suicidal, death.
I'm Done!
Well, not completely done, but I finished the brunt of a freelance project that's taken most of my free time the past three weeks. The hiatus from Pancake City is over.
March 29, 2006
Mini-Headlines
Bush to Iraqis: Time to get a government
1. Direct quote: "Git r done!"
2. What a douche bag.
Prosecutors: Moussaoui killed with lies
Did the headline writer have to word this like lyrics from an 80s hair band ballad? "You killed my heart! You killed my cries! You killed it all / With Your Dirty Damn Lies"
1. Direct quote: "Git r done!"
2. What a douche bag.
Prosecutors: Moussaoui killed with lies
Did the headline writer have to word this like lyrics from an 80s hair band ballad? "You killed my heart! You killed my cries! You killed it all / With Your Dirty Damn Lies"
March 28, 2006
Happy Birthday, Tina!
It's my sister Tina's birthday today. To celebrate, she rode a turtle to work and then ate a mouse.
March 21, 2006
NO!!!
NO! NO! NO! NO!
This moron is completely wrong.
I hate Chloe. The only way she has "charmed" the audience is if "charmed" means "repeatedly forces me to scream to my roommate, 'WHY HAVEN'T THEY KILLED HER YET?! THEY'VE KILLED EVERYONE ELSE."
To respond to a specific passage in the article: "A large measure of Chloe's appeal (NO) is due to Rajskub, whose unenviable challenge (YES) is to humanize (IMPOSSIBLE) a character defined by her scowl (CONSTANT) and techno-jargon. And she does. (NO) Convincingly. (ABSOLUTELY NOT) "
If I ever meet Mary Lynn Rajskub on the street, I'm going to punch one of her names out. I TiVo 24 just to fast-forward through the Chloe parts. There are large parts of the plot that I have missed because Jack was talking to Chloe at the time. The only thing that would make watching Chole bearable is if the writers rename her Cholera, and replaced her head with a diseased, non-talking intestine.
This moron is completely wrong.
I hate Chloe. The only way she has "charmed" the audience is if "charmed" means "repeatedly forces me to scream to my roommate, 'WHY HAVEN'T THEY KILLED HER YET?! THEY'VE KILLED EVERYONE ELSE."
To respond to a specific passage in the article: "A large measure of Chloe's appeal (NO) is due to Rajskub, whose unenviable challenge (YES) is to humanize (IMPOSSIBLE) a character defined by her scowl (CONSTANT) and techno-jargon. And she does. (NO) Convincingly. (ABSOLUTELY NOT) "
If I ever meet Mary Lynn Rajskub on the street, I'm going to punch one of her names out. I TiVo 24 just to fast-forward through the Chloe parts. There are large parts of the plot that I have missed because Jack was talking to Chloe at the time. The only thing that would make watching Chole bearable is if the writers rename her Cholera, and replaced her head with a diseased, non-talking intestine.
March 18, 2006
Mini-headlines
Bush: U.S. must resist temptation to quit Iraq
Brokeback Mountain reference? The headline writer is having too much fun.
Brokeback Mountain reference? The headline writer is having too much fun.
NCAA Pool Update
I ended up with 25 out of 32, with only one Sweet 16 pick eliminated. Not great, but better than I usually do, and I already took a nap, so I'll share a tip I read that likely helped me.
I read this on the blog of a professional sports bettor. It's particularly good for people who know very little about college basketball, such as me.
For the first round, visit a sports betting web site and look at the point spread for each match-up. If the point spread is more than two points, pick the favored team. If the point spread is two points or less, pick the team most people are unlikely to pick (usually the lower seed, but sometimes it's a higher-seeded unknown team when they play a well-known school).
There are two ideas behind this. One, bookies know a lot more about sports than your average person. They base their livelihood on accurately approximating the chance each team has of winning. If you are unsure whether a7 seed is better than a 10 seed, look at what the odds-makers are saying. They also give odds on each team's chances of wining the tournament, which may help you picking later rounds.
Two, the point of a NCAA pool isn't to finish with as many points as you can. It's to finish with the most points, or at least close to the most depending on how the payout is structured. That requires taking some risks to separate yourself from the pack, but silly risks aren't going to help. Sure, if you pick a 14 seed that is a 8-point underdog to a 3 seed, and the 14th seed wins, you'll earn a point when most of your competition won't. But the chance of your pick winning vs. your gain (1 point that most other people won't get) makes it a bad choice in the long run.
The trick is to find situations where one team is a marginal favorite over another, but due to seeding or name recognition, people will assume that the marginal favorite is a bigger favorite than the team really is. By betting on the small underdog, you're making close to a 50/50 "bet", but since 60%+ of the people in your pool are picking the favorite, for example, you're essentially taking the same chance as everyone but getting a bigger reward (separation between more opponents).
Hence the guideline of picking the underdog when the point spread is small (2 points or less). For example:
Texas A&M (12) vs Syracuse (5).
Guess what the point spread on the match-up was? Syracuse was only favored by 1.5 points. Most people see the high seed, and recognize the name Syracuse, so they pick them. And because well more than 50% of people are going to pick Syrcause while it's essentially a 50/50 match-up, it's better to pick Texas A&M.
I would have gotten another point or two if I followed the system exactly, but I fell to the allure of the "big name school" for a few match-ups that didn't turn out well.
I know this isn't helpful now, but I wanted to try the system out to see if there was anything to it before promoting it. While this year could just be a fluke, I don't think it is because the logic behind the system makes a lot of sense. I think picking 2-points-or-less underdogs will give one an edge in an office pool. For a huge pool, like ESPN's, I would increase the guideline to 3 or 4 points because the huge number of opponents requires one to take more risks to have a shot at winning.
I read this on the blog of a professional sports bettor. It's particularly good for people who know very little about college basketball, such as me.
For the first round, visit a sports betting web site and look at the point spread for each match-up. If the point spread is more than two points, pick the favored team. If the point spread is two points or less, pick the team most people are unlikely to pick (usually the lower seed, but sometimes it's a higher-seeded unknown team when they play a well-known school).
There are two ideas behind this. One, bookies know a lot more about sports than your average person. They base their livelihood on accurately approximating the chance each team has of winning. If you are unsure whether a7 seed is better than a 10 seed, look at what the odds-makers are saying. They also give odds on each team's chances of wining the tournament, which may help you picking later rounds.
Two, the point of a NCAA pool isn't to finish with as many points as you can. It's to finish with the most points, or at least close to the most depending on how the payout is structured. That requires taking some risks to separate yourself from the pack, but silly risks aren't going to help. Sure, if you pick a 14 seed that is a 8-point underdog to a 3 seed, and the 14th seed wins, you'll earn a point when most of your competition won't. But the chance of your pick winning vs. your gain (1 point that most other people won't get) makes it a bad choice in the long run.
The trick is to find situations where one team is a marginal favorite over another, but due to seeding or name recognition, people will assume that the marginal favorite is a bigger favorite than the team really is. By betting on the small underdog, you're making close to a 50/50 "bet", but since 60%+ of the people in your pool are picking the favorite, for example, you're essentially taking the same chance as everyone but getting a bigger reward (separation between more opponents).
Hence the guideline of picking the underdog when the point spread is small (2 points or less). For example:
Texas A&M (12) vs Syracuse (5).
Guess what the point spread on the match-up was? Syracuse was only favored by 1.5 points. Most people see the high seed, and recognize the name Syracuse, so they pick them. And because well more than 50% of people are going to pick Syrcause while it's essentially a 50/50 match-up, it's better to pick Texas A&M.
I would have gotten another point or two if I followed the system exactly, but I fell to the allure of the "big name school" for a few match-ups that didn't turn out well.
I know this isn't helpful now, but I wanted to try the system out to see if there was anything to it before promoting it. While this year could just be a fluke, I don't think it is because the logic behind the system makes a lot of sense. I think picking 2-points-or-less underdogs will give one an edge in an office pool. For a huge pool, like ESPN's, I would increase the guideline to 3 or 4 points because the huge number of opponents requires one to take more risks to have a shot at winning.
March 17, 2006
NCAA Tourney Pool
1st round: 14 out of 16
When one's moment of glory will likely be brief, it must be seized, optimally for the purposes for trash-talking. IN YO' FACE, 990,042 other people in ESPN's cheap-ass NCAA pool that only gives two prizes although it has over a million entries. I'm in 10,245th place, a relative basketball-picking God compared to your slightly less impressive point totals.
If I do well tomorrow, I'll share my 1st round system that has helped me do better than usual this year. If I don't do well, I wil..I don't know. Extra nap?
Update: Well, that was quick. Now 18,366th. I might as well be last. At 10,245th, I used to be a contender. Now I'm a joke.
When one's moment of glory will likely be brief, it must be seized, optimally for the purposes for trash-talking. IN YO' FACE, 990,042 other people in ESPN's cheap-ass NCAA pool that only gives two prizes although it has over a million entries. I'm in 10,245th place, a relative basketball-picking God compared to your slightly less impressive point totals.
If I do well tomorrow, I'll share my 1st round system that has helped me do better than usual this year. If I don't do well, I wil..I don't know. Extra nap?
Update: Well, that was quick. Now 18,366th. I might as well be last. At 10,245th, I used to be a contender. Now I'm a joke.
March 13, 2006
Headlines
U.S. may reduce its defense of Iceland
Yeah, that’s real smart. Play right into the hands of Greenland. WHY DON’T WE JUST GIVE AL-QAEDA THE BOMB WHILE WE’RE AT IT!
Lance Armstrong comforts Dana Reeve's son
Then issues press release about it?
Marijuana again tied to memory problems
Wonder why they forgot their findings the first time.
Icy 'super-Earth' discovered by astronomers
A “super-Earth” wouldn’t be icy. It would be lush and green everywhere except for M&M Forest, and in that place would be all the colors of the rainbow except red, because there’s no cancer on Super Earth.
The first ten feet of the ocean is heated to 68 degrees, and you can see 150 feet to the bottom everywhere, except for Dr. Pepper Sea , which people are NOT allowed to swim in. Also, some of the trees would be ninja trees. And if Super Earth is ever attack by alien invaders, its people will be terribly frightened, at least for the 5 seconds it takes for Super Earth to switch its volcanoes from “Cotton Candy Spewing Mode” to “Instant Death Rocket Firing Mode.”
Yeah, that’s real smart. Play right into the hands of Greenland. WHY DON’T WE JUST GIVE AL-QAEDA THE BOMB WHILE WE’RE AT IT!
Lance Armstrong comforts Dana Reeve's son
Then issues press release about it?
Marijuana again tied to memory problems
Wonder why they forgot their findings the first time.
Icy 'super-Earth' discovered by astronomers
A “super-Earth” wouldn’t be icy. It would be lush and green everywhere except for M&M Forest, and in that place would be all the colors of the rainbow except red, because there’s no cancer on Super Earth.
The first ten feet of the ocean is heated to 68 degrees, and you can see 150 feet to the bottom everywhere, except for Dr. Pepper Sea , which people are NOT allowed to swim in. Also, some of the trees would be ninja trees. And if Super Earth is ever attack by alien invaders, its people will be terribly frightened, at least for the 5 seconds it takes for Super Earth to switch its volcanoes from “Cotton Candy Spewing Mode” to “Instant Death Rocket Firing Mode.”
March 09, 2006
Gotta Love the Comparison
Scientists recently discovered a bizarre, new crustacean 900 miles south of Easter Island. From the AP article (italics mine):
"Scientists said the animal, which they named Kiwa hirsuta, was so distinct from other species that they created a new family and genus for it. The animal is white and just shy of 6 inches long, about the size of a salad plate."
Great. We discover a hitherto unknown sea creature fantastical enough to merit its own classification, and our first thought is, "Will it fit on my dinner plate?"
"Scientists said the animal, which they named Kiwa hirsuta, was so distinct from other species that they created a new family and genus for it. The animal is white and just shy of 6 inches long, about the size of a salad plate."
Great. We discover a hitherto unknown sea creature fantastical enough to merit its own classification, and our first thought is, "Will it fit on my dinner plate?"
March 07, 2006
24
* How many packs a day does Keifer Sutherland smoke to shape his Code Red danger voice?
* Why is CTU the easiest place in the world to infiltrate? Every season, they have a minimum of two moles, along with at least one terrorist walking in the front door with a fake ID card he made at Kinko’s.
SECURITY GUARD: “I haven’t seen you before. Who are you?”
TERRORIST: “Pizza man.”
SECURITY GUARD: “We didn’t order any pizza.”
TERRORIST: “Um, plumber?”
SECURITY GUARD: “Finally! It’s about time someone fixed that leaky toilet next to the poorly-guarded warhead. Come on in.”
SECURITY GUARD: “Freeze! [...] Holster wrench?”
TERRORIST: “Ja.”
SECURITY GUARD: “I knew it! You plumbers are all alike. It’s cool—don’t both taking it out.”
TERRORIST: “Danke.”
SECURITY GUARD: “Oh, and in the basement, make sure you flip the left switch, not the right. That’s the light switch. The right one is the self-destruct switch. There’s usually a “NO!” sign above it, but the masking tape fell off and Edgar hasn’t had time to waddle his fat ass downstairs and replace it.”
* I’m so annoyed at the fictional President in the show that if I ever meet the actor that plays him, I’m going to punch him in the face. President Dweeby is the worst President ever. He’s so horrible that he makes George W. Bush look like George H. W. Bush, George H. W. Bush look like Prescott Bush, and Prescott Bush look like President Taft.
* Just once, I’d like a terrorist to say “Help me and I’ll let you live” and actually let the person live:
METALSMITH: “Okay. That’s the last canister. Please, don’t kill me. I won’t tell anyone, I promise. I have a wife and two kids.”
TERRORIST LEADER: [pulls out gun with silencer and aims it at man’s head] “I have two kids too.”
METALSMITH: “Noooooo!”
The metalsmith closes his eyes. After a few seconds, he open them, and the terrorists begin laughing.
TERRORIST LEADER: “Gotcha!”
METALSMITH: “You’re not going to kill me?”
TERRORIST LEADER: “Naw, dawg. We were just playin’ wit you.”
METALSMITH: “Whew! [laughs] To be honest, I was kind of assuming you’d kill me from the beginning.”
TERRORIST LEADER: “Yeah, that’s our usual M.O. But, you know, it can’t always be frowns and downs.”
March 06, 2006
Oscar Thoughts II: Revenge of Oscar Thoughts
* I'm surprised Crash won Best Picture. While it is an interesting movie and cleverly structured, it says nothing profound about race relations in America. Here's the entire movie: racism gets in the way of our natural connections with each other. The movie appears to say much more than it actually does.
* This might be total B.S. so bear with me. The Oscars are more boring now than a decade or two ago because of the information-sharing power of the Internet.
It's a generalization with flaws, but I believe the core of it is true. One reason people watch the Academy Awards is to find out who will win. The potential for surprise is what makes it fun.
But the Internet has increased both access to information and efficiency in sharing it. My theory is that, whether we seek out the information or not, it is much easier to predict the likely winners because information and trends about the Academy Award voters' views are much less confined than they used to be.
For example, Hollywood reporters gossip with voters to help them guess which movies will win. But instead of a reporter's findings getting buried in the pages of a month-old entertainment magazine, the information makes it onto the Internet. The findings of dozens of reporters and gossip-mongers are also available. The data can be aggregated, and fairly accurate trends can be teased out by newspaper reporters, for example, who can help make the trends conventional wisdom.
This might be a clearer example of the power of aggregated information. In the last Presidential election, a few web sites allowed people to bet on who would win. Odds where determined by the number of people who wanted to buy shares in a Presidential candidate. Almost everyone bet money on the candidate they were going to vote for. But even if they weren't, they were betting on the candidate they thought was most likely going to win based on the information they gathered from friends, family, the news, and their community.
Well, the percentage of shares each candidate got matched the election results almost exactly, and was more accurate than almost every poll. The effect was like a Gallup poll with 100 times the sample size.
While the pool of Academy Awards voters is much smaller than the voting public, and the information about their intentions less freely shared, the principle is the same. The Internet has helped the availability and gathering of data to make it easier to pick winners in the Academy Awards. There will still be surprises because the information available is incomplete, but the "insider information" accessible to the public that exists today is certainly more than was accessible 10 years ago. The downside to knowledge is that it conflicts with surprise.
* This might be total B.S. so bear with me. The Oscars are more boring now than a decade or two ago because of the information-sharing power of the Internet.
It's a generalization with flaws, but I believe the core of it is true. One reason people watch the Academy Awards is to find out who will win. The potential for surprise is what makes it fun.
But the Internet has increased both access to information and efficiency in sharing it. My theory is that, whether we seek out the information or not, it is much easier to predict the likely winners because information and trends about the Academy Award voters' views are much less confined than they used to be.
For example, Hollywood reporters gossip with voters to help them guess which movies will win. But instead of a reporter's findings getting buried in the pages of a month-old entertainment magazine, the information makes it onto the Internet. The findings of dozens of reporters and gossip-mongers are also available. The data can be aggregated, and fairly accurate trends can be teased out by newspaper reporters, for example, who can help make the trends conventional wisdom.
This might be a clearer example of the power of aggregated information. In the last Presidential election, a few web sites allowed people to bet on who would win. Odds where determined by the number of people who wanted to buy shares in a Presidential candidate. Almost everyone bet money on the candidate they were going to vote for. But even if they weren't, they were betting on the candidate they thought was most likely going to win based on the information they gathered from friends, family, the news, and their community.
Well, the percentage of shares each candidate got matched the election results almost exactly, and was more accurate than almost every poll. The effect was like a Gallup poll with 100 times the sample size.
While the pool of Academy Awards voters is much smaller than the voting public, and the information about their intentions less freely shared, the principle is the same. The Internet has helped the availability and gathering of data to make it easier to pick winners in the Academy Awards. There will still be surprises because the information available is incomplete, but the "insider information" accessible to the public that exists today is certainly more than was accessible 10 years ago. The downside to knowledge is that it conflicts with surprise.
March 05, 2006
Oscar Comments
I watched more of the Oscars ceremony than I have in years. But before I delve into my comments, first, a message.
Reading Pancake City on the web is a magical experience. Don't think you can get the same experience reading it on a PDA or through a RSS reader. Only HTML can capture the excitement and wonder that comes in irregular bursts from 1001words.com. Sure, you can steal Pancake City by having your friends read you my posts over the phone, but you are only stealing from yourself.
(My page views were down in 2005).
Okay, Jon Stewart saved the Oscars. Or, at least, he made it more bearable in years. His jokes and the political ad parodies made the show entertaining enough to put up with the endless montages and self-congratulations.
I have no interest in who won or didn't. Well, almost no interest. The voters who selected March of the Penguins over Murderball need to be whacked, preferably to the point of being crippled. But I've been a hermit the past few months and haven't seen most of the nominated movies.
Random thoughts:
* George Clooney is five wrinkles away of switching from cute to obnoxiously smug.
* The Oscars showed a clip of another, lesser awards ceremony. Kind of like pointing about the janitor at the annual company picnic.
* My roommate remarked that none of the performers thanked God. Which is odd, in a way, especially considering how often he appears in post-game interviews.
* On the same note, as Smirky remarked, some people criticize Hollywood for being out of touch with America. They're right. Some of the subjects in the nominated movies: gay cowboys, single moms, the disabled, racial hatred, and conformity. For the most part, I'm glad Hollywood is out of touch.
* Anyone else get an urge to download a movie off BitTorrent while watching the show? I haven't download anything illegally in months, but I wanted to do so just out of spite.
Reading Pancake City on the web is a magical experience. Don't think you can get the same experience reading it on a PDA or through a RSS reader. Only HTML can capture the excitement and wonder that comes in irregular bursts from 1001words.com. Sure, you can steal Pancake City by having your friends read you my posts over the phone, but you are only stealing from yourself.
(My page views were down in 2005).
Okay, Jon Stewart saved the Oscars. Or, at least, he made it more bearable in years. His jokes and the political ad parodies made the show entertaining enough to put up with the endless montages and self-congratulations.
I have no interest in who won or didn't. Well, almost no interest. The voters who selected March of the Penguins over Murderball need to be whacked, preferably to the point of being crippled. But I've been a hermit the past few months and haven't seen most of the nominated movies.
Random thoughts:
* George Clooney is five wrinkles away of switching from cute to obnoxiously smug.
* The Oscars showed a clip of another, lesser awards ceremony. Kind of like pointing about the janitor at the annual company picnic.
* My roommate remarked that none of the performers thanked God. Which is odd, in a way, especially considering how often he appears in post-game interviews.
* On the same note, as Smirky remarked, some people criticize Hollywood for being out of touch with America. They're right. Some of the subjects in the nominated movies: gay cowboys, single moms, the disabled, racial hatred, and conformity. For the most part, I'm glad Hollywood is out of touch.
* Anyone else get an urge to download a movie off BitTorrent while watching the show? I haven't download anything illegally in months, but I wanted to do so just out of spite.
Happy Birthday, Evan!
For your birthday, Black Cat should stop biting you for a day.
Also, his computer graffiti project is showing at "Wall Snatchers", a graffiti-themed exhibit showing in Georgetown. He's mentioned in The Washington Post review of the gallery. (Evan, I bought a copy of the paper. Although where does the reviewer get off calling it "pseudo-scientific"? Talk about pseudo-stupid.)
Also, his computer graffiti project is showing at "Wall Snatchers", a graffiti-themed exhibit showing in Georgetown. He's mentioned in The Washington Post review of the gallery. (Evan, I bought a copy of the paper. Although where does the reviewer get off calling it "pseudo-scientific"? Talk about pseudo-stupid.)
March 01, 2006
Headlines
Depression, heart disease often connected
Great. Now I’m more depressed.
Great. Now I’m more depressed.
Mmm! Fresh violence. The eggs and bacon for the news media.
I’m glad to see 2001 Bush is back. Dead or alive, beardie! Two-thousand two Bush had me worried (“I truly am not that concerned with him”).
Google Humor
I just noticed that when I enter my spam folder in Gmail, the program displays ads for spam recipes (Vinegar Span Salad, Savory Spam Crescents...). No ads for Monty Python though.
February 27, 2006
Proverbs, Revised
The easiest person to deceive is yourself.
The easiest person to deceive is Stupid McStupidson. 2nd is yourself. Unless your name is Stupid McStupidson. Then you're screwed.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.
And that song is "In A Gadda Da Vida"
A book tightly shut is but a block of paper.
A book tightly shut is but a block of paper. Unless it's a fake book with chocolate inside. Then it's a chocolate hoarding bastard.
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. Unless Fool #1 asks, "Where are my pants?" and they're on his head. That's just stupid. Or if Fool #2 is a mute, and no one knows sign language, and when she tries to write down her question, people are like, "I'm illiterate. I can't read. I can't even find my pants."
I Want Some Ice Cream
Not a proverb. I just want some ice cream.
The easiest person to deceive is Stupid McStupidson. 2nd is yourself. Unless your name is Stupid McStupidson. Then you're screwed.
A bird does not sing because it has an answer. It sings because it has a song.
And that song is "In A Gadda Da Vida"
A book tightly shut is but a block of paper.
A book tightly shut is but a block of paper. Unless it's a fake book with chocolate inside. Then it's a chocolate hoarding bastard.
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever.
He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever. Unless Fool #1 asks, "Where are my pants?" and they're on his head. That's just stupid. Or if Fool #2 is a mute, and no one knows sign language, and when she tries to write down her question, people are like, "I'm illiterate. I can't read. I can't even find my pants."
I Want Some Ice Cream
Not a proverb. I just want some ice cream.
February 24, 2006
Blog, I Missed You!
I lost track of how long it has been since I updated the blog. The hard part is starting to write. Writing for me is pretty enjoyable after the first few minutes.
News Headlines
Bin Laden vows he won't be caught alive - tape
Apparently, he won’t be caught on video without makeup either.
Federline says he's ready for rapper backlash
Oh, no you’re not. Comedians haven’t been this excited since Vanilla Ice tried to do something besides "Ice, Ice, Baby".
Bin Laden vows he won't be caught listening to Federline’s CD
See?
Planet's Population to Hit 6.5 Billion Saturday
Keep on screwing, people. We have a deadline to meet.
Bush Outlines 'Forward Strategy for Freedom'
Anyone see the problem in that he felt it necessary to include 'forward"? For most presidents, it kind of comes with the word "strategy". They used to be buddies.
News Headlines
Bin Laden vows he won't be caught alive - tape
Apparently, he won’t be caught on video without makeup either.
Federline says he's ready for rapper backlash
Oh, no you’re not. Comedians haven’t been this excited since Vanilla Ice tried to do something besides "Ice, Ice, Baby".
Bin Laden vows he won't be caught listening to Federline’s CD
See?
Planet's Population to Hit 6.5 Billion Saturday
Keep on screwing, people. We have a deadline to meet.
Bush Outlines 'Forward Strategy for Freedom'
Anyone see the problem in that he felt it necessary to include 'forward"? For most presidents, it kind of comes with the word "strategy". They used to be buddies.
February 15, 2006
Final Cheney Update
The Cheney jokes were fun, but the event has run its course. Cheney finally did the right thing by publicly apologizing and taking responsibility for the incident. That should mitigate most of the outrage against how he handled the event. I still don't know why he didn't do this on day 1, but in the grand scheme of administration screw-ups, this one doesn't seem important enough to press further.
Medical Term Euphemism Watch
The man who jumped in from of Cheney's gun while the trigger was in the act of being pulled had a heart attack yesterday. Excuse me, a "minor heart attack" (AP). Where's Monty Python when you need them? ("It's just a flesh wound!").
The Washington Post decided that "minor heart attack" was a poor description, so they are describing it as a "cardiac event." I think a cardiac event occurs when the planets in the sky line up with the bird shot in the left aorta. In the actual article, the agreed-upon term is "abnormal heart rhythm." The type of heart rhythm one may have after undergoing a minor heart attack.
I have bad news: Whittington is dead. This whole incident smells of a cover-up. He probably died days ago when Cheney bludgeoned him to death with a crowbar after Whittington quipped, "Looks like there's two things you can't find: quail and WMDs."
"Whittington's" condition is gradually going to improve over the next week. The hospital will proclaim he is in perfect health. The Bush administration will release a short video of a Whittington stunt double shaking Cheney's hand. Then Whittington will die in a mysterious car accident, his car plunging over a road guard and into the river. His body will be found days later, smelling strangely of formaldehyde.
Print this post out while you can. I'm not sure how long the NSA will let me keep it online. I know I sound paranoid, but Hey Everybody, this is Jason. The above post is just a joke. Vice President Cheney is a valued public servant. Mr. Whittington is in good health. Since this whole post may confuse people, I will take it down soon. I am going on vacation for a few weeks, but when I come back, I will be writing lots more of the types of jokes that I like to write. Unless something happens to me on my vacation. LOL.
The Washington Post decided that "minor heart attack" was a poor description, so they are describing it as a "cardiac event." I think a cardiac event occurs when the planets in the sky line up with the bird shot in the left aorta. In the actual article, the agreed-upon term is "abnormal heart rhythm." The type of heart rhythm one may have after undergoing a minor heart attack.
I have bad news: Whittington is dead. This whole incident smells of a cover-up. He probably died days ago when Cheney bludgeoned him to death with a crowbar after Whittington quipped, "Looks like there's two things you can't find: quail and WMDs."
"Whittington's" condition is gradually going to improve over the next week. The hospital will proclaim he is in perfect health. The Bush administration will release a short video of a Whittington stunt double shaking Cheney's hand. Then Whittington will die in a mysterious car accident, his car plunging over a road guard and into the river. His body will be found days later, smelling strangely of formaldehyde.
Print this post out while you can. I'm not sure how long the NSA will let me keep it online. I know I sound paranoid, but Hey Everybody, this is Jason. The above post is just a joke. Vice President Cheney is a valued public servant. Mr. Whittington is in good health. Since this whole post may confuse people, I will take it down soon. I am going on vacation for a few weeks, but when I come back, I will be writing lots more of the types of jokes that I like to write. Unless something happens to me on my vacation. LOL.
LED Throwies
My sister's super-talented boyfriend, "fi5e", and his friend "resistor" came up with this: LED throwies. (Sorry, Evan, but there's no way I'm writing "fi5e" or "resistor" without quotes.)
February 14, 2006
Why I Am Worried About America
This excerpt of a speech sums up my feelings about the last five years much better than I can hope to express them.
February 13, 2006
Have Gun. Will Kill.
I don't understand the commotion behind Vice President Cheney shooting his companion on a quail hunting trip.
One, have you seen a photo of the victim (shootee?), lawyer Harry Whittington? Kind of looks like a bird. Maybe not a quail, but he definitely has some duck in his cheeks.
Two, I know the vice presidency isn't the most glamorous or powerful position in the U.S. government, but come on. You can't even shoot a man without creating a ruckus? What the heck is the point of being vice president then? He's not even a first-term vice president. He went over five entire years without shooting someone. Be honest: how many of you thought that would happen in 2000? I predicted Cheney would eat a man by 2006. We should be grateful he hasn't decided to eat a protestor yet. He could do it. Picket sign and all. Cheney is a beast.
Mr. Whittington isn't even dead. As most of the news accounts describe the incident, Cheney didn't shoot him. He "peppered" him with shot gun "spray." Much like you would pepper a salad, and spray it with a delicious glaze of flavored olive oil.
And the hospital where Mr. Whittington is staying at describes his condition as "very stable." Mr. Whittington is doing so well that the hospital had to invent a new way to describe a patient's condition. Stable doesn't cut it. There's a new king of the hill in town, and his name is "very stable". For all the losers in stable town who think they're doing well: you might as well pull the plug now, because stable = disabled. It rhymes, so memorize it, mother fuckers.
Should the White House have informed the press about the incident instead of leaving it up to the ranch owner? Should Cheney apologize and admit he was careless instead of claiming it was an unavoidable accident? I suppose so, but demanding that the White House show honesty and take responsibility for this incident is like having a spouse that had an intimate affair with another person every few months for the past five years, and then getting into an apoplectic rage when you find out he kissed a co-worker on the cheek yesterday.
All Cheney did was shoot a man. Why would anyone believe this incident would spur personal change?
One, have you seen a photo of the victim (shootee?), lawyer Harry Whittington? Kind of looks like a bird. Maybe not a quail, but he definitely has some duck in his cheeks.
Two, I know the vice presidency isn't the most glamorous or powerful position in the U.S. government, but come on. You can't even shoot a man without creating a ruckus? What the heck is the point of being vice president then? He's not even a first-term vice president. He went over five entire years without shooting someone. Be honest: how many of you thought that would happen in 2000? I predicted Cheney would eat a man by 2006. We should be grateful he hasn't decided to eat a protestor yet. He could do it. Picket sign and all. Cheney is a beast.
Mr. Whittington isn't even dead. As most of the news accounts describe the incident, Cheney didn't shoot him. He "peppered" him with shot gun "spray." Much like you would pepper a salad, and spray it with a delicious glaze of flavored olive oil.
And the hospital where Mr. Whittington is staying at describes his condition as "very stable." Mr. Whittington is doing so well that the hospital had to invent a new way to describe a patient's condition. Stable doesn't cut it. There's a new king of the hill in town, and his name is "very stable". For all the losers in stable town who think they're doing well: you might as well pull the plug now, because stable = disabled. It rhymes, so memorize it, mother fuckers.
Should the White House have informed the press about the incident instead of leaving it up to the ranch owner? Should Cheney apologize and admit he was careless instead of claiming it was an unavoidable accident? I suppose so, but demanding that the White House show honesty and take responsibility for this incident is like having a spouse that had an intimate affair with another person every few months for the past five years, and then getting into an apoplectic rage when you find out he kissed a co-worker on the cheek yesterday.
All Cheney did was shoot a man. Why would anyone believe this incident would spur personal change?
February 09, 2006
WAMU
Did WAMU blow all its money on crack and strippers?
The local NPR station here in Washington D.C. has been insane during its latest pledge drive. I never thought I would hear Kojo Nnamdi, a fair-minded and soft-spoken man that I admire greatly, say "Please, baby! Just $10. I need it bad." It's just not professional.
I'm used to the different tactics public radio uses to encourage donations: appeals to one's charitable nature, inducements to feel guilty for not giving, reminders of the station's quality programming, offers of donation plans for any income, and so on. But I'm not used to hearing the big man, Kojo, say (quote): "In a way, your relationship with WAMU is like a marriage. And now it's time to consummate the marriage. Call 202..."
To be fair, it was tongue-in-cheek and pretty funny. And WAMU is an awesome station. Who wouldn't want to tap that tower?
The local NPR station here in Washington D.C. has been insane during its latest pledge drive. I never thought I would hear Kojo Nnamdi, a fair-minded and soft-spoken man that I admire greatly, say "Please, baby! Just $10. I need it bad." It's just not professional.
I'm used to the different tactics public radio uses to encourage donations: appeals to one's charitable nature, inducements to feel guilty for not giving, reminders of the station's quality programming, offers of donation plans for any income, and so on. But I'm not used to hearing the big man, Kojo, say (quote): "In a way, your relationship with WAMU is like a marriage. And now it's time to consummate the marriage. Call 202..."
To be fair, it was tongue-in-cheek and pretty funny. And WAMU is an awesome station. Who wouldn't want to tap that tower?
February 06, 2006
Why Can't I Wake Up To Music?
I woke up to a radio ad blaring for Mattress Discounters. They are holding an end of the year clearance sale. Their current inventory has to go, go, go! You know, because of all the new mattress technology coming up in 2006.
If you’re sleeping on a mattress with springs, you’re living in the past. The 2005 past. In 2006, mattresses are going to be made out of clouds. Extra-puffy, bitches. Sandbags will be attached to your mattress so it doesn’t fly away. An optional electronic shock mechanism will be offered because most people will be too delirious with luxury to leave under their own power.
The
As Mattress Discounters’ new slogan says: “All the virgins in heaven can’t match a night on one of our mattresses.”
February 05, 2006
My Super Bowl Bet
I bet $10 on the coin flip. I have a really good feeling about tails this year.
(No, I am not joking.)
Update:
Yes! YES! Who's your daddy now, heads? Tails owns yo' ass. Don't be showing your face in my hood. I don't play like that. Papa's eating out tonight! At Papa John's. I have a coupon.
(And for anyone who thinks I have a gambling problem, it was a free bet as a promotion for a sports betting site.)
(No, I am not joking.)
Update:
Yes! YES! Who's your daddy now, heads? Tails owns yo' ass. Don't be showing your face in my hood. I don't play like that. Papa's eating out tonight! At Papa John's. I have a coupon.
(And for anyone who thinks I have a gambling problem, it was a free bet as a promotion for a sports betting site.)
From Yahoo's Front Page.
Will Super Bowl XL live up to its name?
***
The deep questions are always the hardest to answer.
Will Super Bowl 143 live up to it's name? Gee, I don't know. It's hard to imagine anything surpassing the drama of Super Bowl 117. And don't get me started on the razzle dazzle in Superbowl 126: Part 2.
Here's a real question: Will Superbowl Best Mutha-Fucking Superbowl Ever Live Up To Its Name? That would be something I'd be genuinely curious about. But Superbowl what--35? 40? Not much of a name to live up to.
***
The deep questions are always the hardest to answer.
Will Super Bowl 143 live up to it's name? Gee, I don't know. It's hard to imagine anything surpassing the drama of Super Bowl 117. And don't get me started on the razzle dazzle in Superbowl 126: Part 2.
Here's a real question: Will Superbowl Best Mutha-Fucking Superbowl Ever Live Up To Its Name? That would be something I'd be genuinely curious about. But Superbowl what--35? 40? Not much of a name to live up to.
February 02, 2006
Notes I Left One of My Dog Walking Clients
(Sophie and Brewster are food-obsessed Golden Retrievers)
Day 1
You know how couples that are together a long time supposedly look like each other after a while?
That is going to happen to Sophie and Brewster. In a few years, they’re going to be Sophster and Brewie. Mark my words! With a highlighter. And put them on the fridge. They’re good words. Especially “goober”. Me likey the goober. When I get a dog, I’m naming him Goober. Or Francice. No, that’s stupid. Definitely Francine.
Day 2
Um, why isn’t my note on the fridge? I hate to do this, but if you don’t put my note on the fridge, I WILL EAT SOPHIE. I swear. I get very hungry during the day, and she looks dee-lich-us.
It’s not like you have anything else on your fridge. It’s a barren hearth of emptiness. Spice it up! With one of my notes.
P.S. Brewster had two bowls of food today.
Day 3
Okay. I see how it is. I’m reclaiming my notes and putting them on MY fridge. Also, I DID eat Sophie, but she tasted terrible, so I spit her out. Maybe if she stopped eating tissues, we wouldn’t have that problem.
The next day, they apologized for not putting my notes on the fridge and made a lame excuse that magnets don't stick to their refrigerator. Really? Because it doesn't look plastic. Hmmph.
Day 1
You know how couples that are together a long time supposedly look like each other after a while?
That is going to happen to Sophie and Brewster. In a few years, they’re going to be Sophster and Brewie. Mark my words! With a highlighter. And put them on the fridge. They’re good words. Especially “goober”. Me likey the goober. When I get a dog, I’m naming him Goober. Or Francice. No, that’s stupid. Definitely Francine.
Day 2
Um, why isn’t my note on the fridge? I hate to do this, but if you don’t put my note on the fridge, I WILL EAT SOPHIE. I swear. I get very hungry during the day, and she looks dee-lich-us.
It’s not like you have anything else on your fridge. It’s a barren hearth of emptiness. Spice it up! With one of my notes.
P.S. Brewster had two bowls of food today.
Day 3
Okay. I see how it is. I’m reclaiming my notes and putting them on MY fridge. Also, I DID eat Sophie, but she tasted terrible, so I spit her out. Maybe if she stopped eating tissues, we wouldn’t have that problem.
The next day, they apologized for not putting my notes on the fridge and made a lame excuse that magnets don't stick to their refrigerator. Really? Because it doesn't look plastic. Hmmph.
January 31, 2006
Good Ol' Virginny
How homophobic is
Gay marriage is already barred under state law. Enough? No. A constitutional amendment was proposed to prevent not only marriage for gay people, but any type of same-sex partnership.
The amendment has to be approved by both houses in the state legislature two years in a row before being brought to the voters for approval. It did so overwhelmingly both years. The governor, a moderate Democrat (or in Virginia, a left-wing radical) is against the amendment. His argument? The amendment is so loosely worded that it may deny the rights of other straight people.
Wow.
January 30, 2006
Advice for Living Right
The best time to play a practical joke is on your death bed.
If I have a kid by the time I die, I’m going to call him by my bedside, motion him to lean in, and then whisper in his ear: “You were adopted.” [urrk]
Famous people are lucky. They can play the best jokes on their death bed.
John Glenn: “The moon landing was faked.” [gaarr]
Eric Clapton: “I shot the sheriff.”
Family Member: “We already know that.”
Eric Clapton: “Oh. Well then, I shot Kennedy.” [aaaggg]
George W. Bush: “I peed in the reflecting pool.”
Jenna: “Dad, why are you telling us this?”
George W. Bush: “It’s one of them practical jokes, you see. You tell them right before you die.”
Barbara: “But you’re not about to die. You’re still President of the
Jenna: “You went jogging this morning.”
George W. Bush: “Damn CIA. Gave me faulty intelligence.”
January 23, 2006
Another Random Assortment
The election results for Canada's next Prime Minister will be announced tomorrow. Which brings up an obvious question: Canada has elections? Good for them. Just like a real country.
(Look, I need a warm-up people. You don't serve aces without some practice, and Canada's my automatic ball machine.)
"Lay, Skilling Ask to Postpone Trial"
How's 2017 work for everyone? No? Shit.
My roommate was watching a History Channel show on "USOs: Unidentifed Submerged Objects." Essentially, they're UFOs that swim under water. Here's a typical line from the show:
NARRATOR: "Some researchers believe that the lost city of Atlantis is the home base for USOs."
How many takes the narrator went through to say that without snorting milk through his nose, I don't know.
The show references an event many years ago on a dark night (of course) where "hundreds of objects burst from the ocean and flew into the air." One of the producers found a 911 recording of someone calling in about the event. Here is the beginning of the dramatic conversation, which I swear I am not embellishing a bit:
OPERATOR: "911."
CALLER: "Has anyone reported anything unusual tonight?"
OPERATOR: "Uh.....can you be a little more specific?"
CALLER: "Anything involving lights?"
And was the caller arrested afterwards for crimes against humanity? No. And some say there is justice in the world.
(Look, I need a warm-up people. You don't serve aces without some practice, and Canada's my automatic ball machine.)
"Lay, Skilling Ask to Postpone Trial"
How's 2017 work for everyone? No? Shit.
My roommate was watching a History Channel show on "USOs: Unidentifed Submerged Objects." Essentially, they're UFOs that swim under water. Here's a typical line from the show:
NARRATOR: "Some researchers believe that the lost city of Atlantis is the home base for USOs."
How many takes the narrator went through to say that without snorting milk through his nose, I don't know.
The show references an event many years ago on a dark night (of course) where "hundreds of objects burst from the ocean and flew into the air." One of the producers found a 911 recording of someone calling in about the event. Here is the beginning of the dramatic conversation, which I swear I am not embellishing a bit:
OPERATOR: "911."
CALLER: "Has anyone reported anything unusual tonight?"
OPERATOR: "Uh.....can you be a little more specific?"
CALLER: "Anything involving lights?"
And was the caller arrested afterwards for crimes against humanity? No. And some say there is justice in the world.
January 19, 2006
Medical Bumper Stickers
I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Autism—Solve the Puzzle".
I thought this was a pithy way to point out the lack of attention the medical community pays to the easily solvable disorder of autism.
That's why I came up with more bumper sticker slogans to raise awareness of common health problems that could be eliminated if physicians in the medical community would stop poking each other in the butt with needles and start Doing Their Jobs.
Diabetes—Do Something!
Cancer—Thanks a Lot, “Doctors”
Lou Gehrig's Disease—Hello? It Affects More Than Lou Gehrig, People
Heart Disease—Get Off Your Asses, Already. And Even If All the Words Weren't Capitalized in This Absurdly Long Bumper Sticker, Asses Would Still Have a Capital A
The Jetsons Don’t Have Kidney Failure. Why Do We?
Death--Gimme a Break
I thought this was a pithy way to point out the lack of attention the medical community pays to the easily solvable disorder of autism.
That's why I came up with more bumper sticker slogans to raise awareness of common health problems that could be eliminated if physicians in the medical community would stop poking each other in the butt with needles and start Doing Their Jobs.
Diabetes—Do Something!
Cancer—Thanks a Lot, “Doctors”
Lou Gehrig's Disease—Hello? It Affects More Than Lou Gehrig, People
Heart Disease—Get Off Your Asses, Already. And Even If All the Words Weren't Capitalized in This Absurdly Long Bumper Sticker, Asses Would Still Have a Capital A
The Jetsons Don’t Have Kidney Failure. Why Do We?
Death--Gimme a Break
January 12, 2006
...
On the cover of a "special" edition of Newsweek:
AMERICA'S HOTTEST COLLEGES!
"Woo hoo! Show your tits, Princeton!"
"It's Colleges Gone Wild. [cue island music] You won't believe what these colleges will do to get your tuition money."
AMERICA'S HOTTEST COLLEGES!
"Woo hoo! Show your tits, Princeton!"
"It's Colleges Gone Wild. [cue island music] You won't believe what these colleges will do to get your tuition money."
Single? I'm Not Sure
Sign I passed on the road:
"SINGLE ???????
CALL (703) xxx-xxxx"
I wasn't going to call at first, but the 7th question mark reeled me in. Question marks 1-6 were bland and pedestrian. Six questions marks? If I wanted to see that, I'd read the opinion page in a college newspaper. But that 7th question mark blew my pants off and my phone in my hand. Not that I had any reason to have my pants off--I'm single--but sometimes the Duke brothers and the General Lee need to smell the fresh air of innovation.
"SINGLE ???????
CALL (703) xxx-xxxx"
I wasn't going to call at first, but the 7th question mark reeled me in. Question marks 1-6 were bland and pedestrian. Six questions marks? If I wanted to see that, I'd read the opinion page in a college newspaper. But that 7th question mark blew my pants off and my phone in my hand. Not that I had any reason to have my pants off--I'm single--but sometimes the Duke brothers and the General Lee need to smell the fresh air of innovation.
January 11, 2006
Chuck Norris Facts
I actually have some material brewing around in my head, but I've been in a lazy mood recently.
Anyway, it's much easier to post links to other people's comedy.
Chuck Norris Facts
Hilarious.
"There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live."
Anyway, it's much easier to post links to other people's comedy.
Chuck Norris Facts
Hilarious.
"There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live."
January 03, 2006
Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed To Dress Myself
I just realized I was wearing my button-down shirt inside out the entire day. I don't blame anyone for not pointing it out. If I saw an unshaven man who smelled like he didn't shower that morning and was wearing his shirt inside out, I'd avoid him too.
December 29, 2005
Present for Black Cat
For Christmas, I gave Black Cat a photo of herself. She wasn't very appreciative though.
Mom--a.k.a. "Grandma Tuna"--sorry, but the truth hurts.
Mom--a.k.a. "Grandma Tuna"--sorry, but the truth hurts.
December 23, 2005
Why Pancake City Was Down for the Past Three Days
A few weeks ago, I got a replacement credit card and forgot the monthly fee for my web hosting service was being charged to the previous one. Also, I rarely check the email address anymore of the one I registered the account under.
Furthermore, to reinstate the account, the customer service representative needed me to verify my contact information. You know, in case a nefarious hacker was going to steal my identity and start paying my web hosting fees.
The problem with this normally simple task is that when I set up the account 5 years ago, I entered a fake address and phone number for the web site registration to protect my identity. Which shouldn't have been a problem since my billing information is accurate, except as the tech support rep. said, "the billing department isn't here today".
Really? The whole department decided not to come to work today, like Senior Skip Day in High School? There wasn't even one loser billing department representative with dandruff and a horrible acne problem that no one told today was Chillin', Not Billing Day?
Of course, they don't trust the tech support people with billing information. That would be like trusting billing people with tech information! And when that type of craziness starts happening, you might as well get a barrel of hay and a block of sugar, because the Four Horsemen are coming and their horses are going to be hungry for a snack before they start whupping some ass.
I can't even remember my real address from 5 years ago. I took a few guesses ("123 Fake Street?"). After each guess, the representative said, "Mmmm, that's not it." Eventually, he shortened it to "Mmmmmm."
I finally said that it was pretty obvious I was the owner of the account, and asked them if we could come to a mutual agreement to forgo this sham. He agreed, and we reenabled the account a few minutes later.
Which is a huge relief, because now I can go back to not updating the page ever.
Furthermore, to reinstate the account, the customer service representative needed me to verify my contact information. You know, in case a nefarious hacker was going to steal my identity and start paying my web hosting fees.
The problem with this normally simple task is that when I set up the account 5 years ago, I entered a fake address and phone number for the web site registration to protect my identity. Which shouldn't have been a problem since my billing information is accurate, except as the tech support rep. said, "the billing department isn't here today".
Really? The whole department decided not to come to work today, like Senior Skip Day in High School? There wasn't even one loser billing department representative with dandruff and a horrible acne problem that no one told today was Chillin', Not Billing Day?
Of course, they don't trust the tech support people with billing information. That would be like trusting billing people with tech information! And when that type of craziness starts happening, you might as well get a barrel of hay and a block of sugar, because the Four Horsemen are coming and their horses are going to be hungry for a snack before they start whupping some ass.
I can't even remember my real address from 5 years ago. I took a few guesses ("123 Fake Street?"). After each guess, the representative said, "Mmmm, that's not it." Eventually, he shortened it to "Mmmmmm."
I finally said that it was pretty obvious I was the owner of the account, and asked them if we could come to a mutual agreement to forgo this sham. He agreed, and we reenabled the account a few minutes later.
Which is a huge relief, because now I can go back to not updating the page ever.
December 18, 2005
Why I Am a Comic Genius
At dinner tonight with my Mom and sister, Tina:
TINA: We bought some Tiramasu gelatin from Trader Joe's.
ME: What's Tiramasu?
TINA: It's an Italian dessert. It has a layer of lady fingers, then some cream, then another layer of lady fingers, then some chocolate or cocoa on top.
ME: Hey, do you want to hear a really bad joke?
TINA: Okay.
ME: Have you ever had a rude Tiramasu?
TINA: No.
ME: It's a Tiramasu made with lady middle fingers.
(Surprisingly, Tina laughed)
MOM: Jason! Naughty, naughty. (By the way: I'm 29.)
TINA: We bought some Tiramasu gelatin from Trader Joe's.
ME: What's Tiramasu?
TINA: It's an Italian dessert. It has a layer of lady fingers, then some cream, then another layer of lady fingers, then some chocolate or cocoa on top.
ME: Hey, do you want to hear a really bad joke?
TINA: Okay.
ME: Have you ever had a rude Tiramasu?
TINA: No.
ME: It's a Tiramasu made with lady middle fingers.
(Surprisingly, Tina laughed)
MOM: Jason! Naughty, naughty. (By the way: I'm 29.)
December 12, 2005
December 05, 2005
My Mom called at 12:48 a.m. this morning. She never calls that late. My sister Tina didn’t come home from her job at Pier 1 that night. She always gets off work at 8:00 p.m. and comes straight home.
My Mom was frantic. We’re both neurotic people. Mom was convinced that Tina was kidnapped while walking in the parking lot to her car. I thought that was ridiculous. It was obvious that she was in a horrible car wreck and either dead or in the emergency room.
Here’s a little Pancake City tip when you’re calling the hospital to see if your sister was checked in: don’t call the main number. The voice recognition system doesn’t understand, “Department of Missing Sisters, please”.
My theory fell apart when one of the police officers my Mom called drove to the Pier 1 parking lot. Her car was still there. It was definite: she was kidnapped.
Well, the officer didn’t think she was kidnapped. “She’s probably just with her friends, Ms. Walther. You know how kids stay up late.” “You don’t understand,” my Mom said. “She doesn’t have any friends.”
I held the phone in my lap, waiting for the phone to ring. Now it was 1:30 a.m. Almost everything closes at 12:00 a.m. I wanted to believe that she was out late, but she always calls and I couldn’t think of a plausible scenario. I could feel the sadness well up and my mind trying to push away the feelings. I packed an overnight bag. I mentally wrote the email I would send to the dog walking company I work for. Title: Family emergency. My sister passed away tonight. Screw it. My sister was killed. I’ll put the keys inside the mail slot. Kerrigan doesn’t want a sub. I’ll call when I can.
Memories of Tina play-punching me. Tina making fun of my bad memory. Tina taking care of her turtles.
I started crying. I didn’t want to, or couldn’t, push away the pain anymore, as I’ve done so often in my life. I thought about praying, something I haven’t done since I was 12, when under my bed covers, I heard the phone ring and then my Mom sobbing through my thin door. “Please make everything all right, God. Please. Just this once.”
It was then that I realized how frail hope is. That crying sounds just like laughing when passed through wood. That maybe, just maybe, when my Uncle drove my sisters and I to the hospital at night, there would be Dad, his bloated face glowing, no gauze patches over his eyes, and his warm arms around us, giving us a hug.
A few minutes later, my Mom called. Tina was safe. She went to dinner with her friends (yes, Mom, she has them). I broke down and cried harder than I have in years.
I’m just so happy that she’s okay. Tina, I love you. I hope we are still making fun of Mom while we are gray. And call, next time, okay? Mom gets worried when she doesn’t see the cat for 30 minutes. And you’re slightly more important than the cat, even if you don’t get as much tuna.
My Mom was frantic. We’re both neurotic people. Mom was convinced that Tina was kidnapped while walking in the parking lot to her car. I thought that was ridiculous. It was obvious that she was in a horrible car wreck and either dead or in the emergency room.
Here’s a little Pancake City tip when you’re calling the hospital to see if your sister was checked in: don’t call the main number. The voice recognition system doesn’t understand, “Department of Missing Sisters, please”.
My theory fell apart when one of the police officers my Mom called drove to the Pier 1 parking lot. Her car was still there. It was definite: she was kidnapped.
Well, the officer didn’t think she was kidnapped. “She’s probably just with her friends, Ms. Walther. You know how kids stay up late.” “You don’t understand,” my Mom said. “She doesn’t have any friends.”
I held the phone in my lap, waiting for the phone to ring. Now it was 1:30 a.m. Almost everything closes at 12:00 a.m. I wanted to believe that she was out late, but she always calls and I couldn’t think of a plausible scenario. I could feel the sadness well up and my mind trying to push away the feelings. I packed an overnight bag. I mentally wrote the email I would send to the dog walking company I work for. Title: Family emergency. My sister passed away tonight. Screw it. My sister was killed. I’ll put the keys inside the mail slot. Kerrigan doesn’t want a sub. I’ll call when I can.
Memories of Tina play-punching me. Tina making fun of my bad memory. Tina taking care of her turtles.
I started crying. I didn’t want to, or couldn’t, push away the pain anymore, as I’ve done so often in my life. I thought about praying, something I haven’t done since I was 12, when under my bed covers, I heard the phone ring and then my Mom sobbing through my thin door. “Please make everything all right, God. Please. Just this once.”
It was then that I realized how frail hope is. That crying sounds just like laughing when passed through wood. That maybe, just maybe, when my Uncle drove my sisters and I to the hospital at night, there would be Dad, his bloated face glowing, no gauze patches over his eyes, and his warm arms around us, giving us a hug.
A few minutes later, my Mom called. Tina was safe. She went to dinner with her friends (yes, Mom, she has them). I broke down and cried harder than I have in years.
I’m just so happy that she’s okay. Tina, I love you. I hope we are still making fun of Mom while we are gray. And call, next time, okay? Mom gets worried when she doesn’t see the cat for 30 minutes. And you’re slightly more important than the cat, even if you don’t get as much tuna.
December 04, 2005
..
One of the headlines at the Washington Post site was "Redskins Interested in Playoffs."
You know what I'm interested in? Winning a million dollars. Doesn't mean it's going to happen.
You know what I'm interested in? Winning a million dollars. Doesn't mean it's going to happen.
November 23, 2005
Cause I have Nothing Else To Write About
My nomination for the "Pet of the Month" at the dog walking business I work for:
Nugget and Cubby are two Jack Russell terriers that seem to never, ever, get tired. When we get back from a walk, a.k.a. "Squirrel Chasing Festival 2005" they lap up a bit of water and then run back to the door, hoping I’ll have a brain aneurism and take them back outside (we’re 0 for 323, but they keep trying).
They make me laugh almost every day. When I come in, sometimes Nugget will drag out the "Welcoming Blanket" from her cage. Cubby, a few years younger than Nugget and unfamiliar with some higher forms of nomenclature, will misinterpret the Welcoming Blanket as the "War Blanket" and begin tugging it. Nugget then drops the name Welcoming Blanket and rechristens it "The Bestest, Most Important Blanket in the Whole Wide World, Which Must Be Kept from Cubby at all Costs". So they then fight each other for Super Blanket until I step in, when in a coincidental fit of dual amnesia, they both flip over for belly rubs.
Nugget and Cubby are two Jack Russell terriers that seem to never, ever, get tired. When we get back from a walk, a.k.a. "Squirrel Chasing Festival 2005" they lap up a bit of water and then run back to the door, hoping I’ll have a brain aneurism and take them back outside (we’re 0 for 323, but they keep trying).
They make me laugh almost every day. When I come in, sometimes Nugget will drag out the "Welcoming Blanket" from her cage. Cubby, a few years younger than Nugget and unfamiliar with some higher forms of nomenclature, will misinterpret the Welcoming Blanket as the "War Blanket" and begin tugging it. Nugget then drops the name Welcoming Blanket and rechristens it "The Bestest, Most Important Blanket in the Whole Wide World, Which Must Be Kept from Cubby at all Costs". So they then fight each other for Super Blanket until I step in, when in a coincidental fit of dual amnesia, they both flip over for belly rubs.
November 22, 2005
...
The problem with the headline, "Gamma storm toll in Honduras rises to 32" is that while it's a horrible natural disaster, I can't help thinking of the Fantastic Four.
Adventures in Dog Walking...OF THE MIND!!!
I wrote this poem today while walking Mickey, a squirrrel-obsessed pooch.
Squirrels, squirrels, everywhere
Jumping through the air
Seemingly without a care
Torturing poor Mickey
Playing with him they dare
Soon, he will catch them all
Snag them one by one
It will be fun
To see them run
Futilely to their lairs
Then they will be gone
And Mickey will stand
Over their corpses and bloody hair
Happy and unaware
Seemingly without a care
November 18, 2005
Adventures in Dog Walking
* During one of my walks, a woman with a worried look on her face stopped her car and rolled down her window. "Have you seen two dogs with leashes running around?"
"No," I said, "but maybe if you loved them, they wouldn't have run away."
* I got annoyed at one of the dogs I was walking and called him a mutt. He was hurt. I tried apologizing. "I'm sorry. It was in the heat of the moment. I know you're not a mutt, Lancelot. Do you want a treat? Who wants a treat? Who wants a treat?"
He didn't want a treat. He was still mad at me, until this happened: 15 seconds passed. Dogs have horrible memories. Stupid mutts.
"No," I said, "but maybe if you loved them, they wouldn't have run away."
* I got annoyed at one of the dogs I was walking and called him a mutt. He was hurt. I tried apologizing. "I'm sorry. It was in the heat of the moment. I know you're not a mutt, Lancelot. Do you want a treat? Who wants a treat? Who wants a treat?"
He didn't want a treat. He was still mad at me, until this happened: 15 seconds passed. Dogs have horrible memories. Stupid mutts.
November 17, 2005
Link-Tastic
NPR's Talk of the Nation played a few songs by solo artist Andrew Bird. His song, 'Skin Is, My' is one of the best I've heard this year.
Top Ten Science Pictures
Top Ten Science Pictures
November 14, 2005
...
The Washington Post's Style section had a blurb on Dr. Phil's recent visit to Washington D.C. It reported that he had a bodyguard everywhere he went.
People who give good advice don't need bodyguards.
People who give good advice don't need bodyguards.
November 08, 2005
Happy Voting Day
It’s election day in Virginia. It’s a real "horserace". Political pundits are calling the race "neck and neck" because the candidates are "actually horses" and not "people". Tim Kaine likes to eat apples. Jerry Kilgore will crap on your children.
If you live in Virginia, I strongly encourage you to vote. The race is very close, making everyone’s votes marginally less worthless. I almost always vote, but I understand the "What’s one vote going to do?" sentiment many people have. That’s why we should take advantage of electronic voting machine technology and randomly select a person to get 10,000 votes. If you’re the person, after you vote, a flashing pop-up box will appear:
"YOU’RE A WINNER! YOU JUST GAVE WRITE-IN CANDIDATE "voting suxs" 10,000 VOTES. WOULD YOU LIKE TO COMPLETE A SURVEY FOR A CHANCE TO WIN $50?"
Virginia is one of the most conservative states in the U.S. When Democratic governors get elected, it’s by narrow margins. I hope the Democratic candidate, Tim Kaine, wins. Overall, he seems much more fiscally responsible and realistic than Jerry Kilgore. Also, I like his campaign policy of "No using the name of Hitler in ads against my opponent." But it’s hard seeing Virginia elect a Democrat for governor two elections in a row.
If you live in Virginia, I strongly encourage you to vote. The race is very close, making everyone’s votes marginally less worthless. I almost always vote, but I understand the "What’s one vote going to do?" sentiment many people have. That’s why we should take advantage of electronic voting machine technology and randomly select a person to get 10,000 votes. If you’re the person, after you vote, a flashing pop-up box will appear:
"YOU’RE A WINNER! YOU JUST GAVE WRITE-IN CANDIDATE "voting suxs" 10,000 VOTES. WOULD YOU LIKE TO COMPLETE A SURVEY FOR A CHANCE TO WIN $50?"
Virginia is one of the most conservative states in the U.S. When Democratic governors get elected, it’s by narrow margins. I hope the Democratic candidate, Tim Kaine, wins. Overall, he seems much more fiscally responsible and realistic than Jerry Kilgore. Also, I like his campaign policy of "No using the name of Hitler in ads against my opponent." But it’s hard seeing Virginia elect a Democrat for governor two elections in a row.
November 01, 2005
Halloween, 2
Damn kids. I bought $8 of candy, and not a single kid knocked on our door for Halloween. I even left the outdoor light on this year. And removed the guard dog. Well, it was a garden gnome, but kids are very sensitive, and I'm a compassionate being.
Damn kids.
Damn kids.
Part I of the First Part of the First Day in Ireland
No exaggeration. I took a lot of pictures the first day. It was sunny and everything was new. (on Flickr)
By the way, Google's Picasa is an absolutely awesome photo editing and organization program. It does 80% of what I use Photoshop for, it's much quicker and easier to use, and it's free. It doesn't have the fine-tuning available in Photoshop, but it's good enough for most photos.
By the way, Google's Picasa is an absolutely awesome photo editing and organization program. It does 80% of what I use Photoshop for, it's much quicker and easier to use, and it's free. It doesn't have the fine-tuning available in Photoshop, but it's good enough for most photos.
October 31, 2005
Halloween, 1
I used to come up with great ideas for Halloween costumes. As a kid, I was Count Bozo (a vampire clown), a Whatchamacallit, and the Pumpkin Warrior. This year, the best I could think of was Larry McPantsHead, the guy with pants on his head.
What did you go as?
What did you go as?
Hurricanes
There has been so many hurricanes this year—a record 22 of them named—that the Naming Gods have run out of pre-determined names. They are finally able to show their creativity, although they have created a bit of a commotion with their last two choices, Hurricane Asskicka and Hurricane Bitchslap.
If we were only so lucky. The dorks at the weather department are marking his momentous occasion by turning to the Greek alphabet, giving us Hurricanes Alpha and Beta.
You know what I call that? Hurricane Crap. This may be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be free of the hurricane naming rules, and they’re squandering it. They can name these hurricanes whatever they want, and we’d have no clue that they were coming up with these names on a cocktail napkin in a bar.
Almost any name is better than Alpha and Beta:
Hurricane Zeus
Hurricane God Hates You
Hurricane Shmiricane
Hurricane...of Love
If we are unfortunate enough to reach the letter D, they can at least calm people’s fears by calling it Hurricane Dude. “Hurricane Dude is still over the Florida Keys. It has been squatting there for a record two weeks. Strangely, the hurricane is only active between 2 p.m. and 2 a.m., and just gives off a faintly unpleasant odor the rest of the day.”
If we were only so lucky. The dorks at the weather department are marking his momentous occasion by turning to the Greek alphabet, giving us Hurricanes Alpha and Beta.
You know what I call that? Hurricane Crap. This may be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be free of the hurricane naming rules, and they’re squandering it. They can name these hurricanes whatever they want, and we’d have no clue that they were coming up with these names on a cocktail napkin in a bar.
Almost any name is better than Alpha and Beta:
Hurricane Zeus
Hurricane God Hates You
Hurricane Shmiricane
Hurricane...of Love
If we are unfortunate enough to reach the letter D, they can at least calm people’s fears by calling it Hurricane Dude. “Hurricane Dude is still over the Florida Keys. It has been squatting there for a record two weeks. Strangely, the hurricane is only active between 2 p.m. and 2 a.m., and just gives off a faintly unpleasant odor the rest of the day.”
October 26, 2005
The VA Gubna Race
I haven’t been following the Virginia
Oh, and there’s a third-party candidate. It was thoughtless of me to forget. Third-party candidates are very special people and we should give them as much respect as any other candidate. Because, one day, one of us may become a third-party candidate.
My main news source about the race has been the radio ads that occasionally play when my alarm clock turns on. The radio ad this morning was one of the best political ads I’ve ever heard. Do you know how it started? “Jerry Kilgore has a sugar daddy.” And it got better from there.
It wasn’t a throwaway line designed to grab people’s attention. It was the theme. The deep-throated announcer repeated “sugar daddy” half a dozen times in a 30-second ad. “Even when the corporation was under investigation, he kept taking their money. Taking it and taking it.” I forget the details, but by the end, the message was clear: Jerry Kilgore is a slut.
October 24, 2005
Well, It *Was* Cloudy Today
It's 6:24 p.m. I'm watching Seinfeld with my roommate. Our screen door opens.
ME: "Are you expecting anyone?"
ROOMMATE: "Nope."
We wait for a knock. Instead, the mail slot opens and the mail plops on the floor. We hear the footsteps of the mailman scurrying away and we burst out laughing.
Easily the highlight of my day. If I were a mailman, I'd deliver the mail after 8:00 p.m. at least once a month, just to make people laugh. I'd alphabetize people's mail too on occasion, just to give them the frustrating sense of noticing something is odd not being able to figure out what it is.
ME: "Are you expecting anyone?"
ROOMMATE: "Nope."
We wait for a knock. Instead, the mail slot opens and the mail plops on the floor. We hear the footsteps of the mailman scurrying away and we burst out laughing.
Easily the highlight of my day. If I were a mailman, I'd deliver the mail after 8:00 p.m. at least once a month, just to make people laugh. I'd alphabetize people's mail too on occasion, just to give them the frustrating sense of noticing something is odd not being able to figure out what it is.
October 19, 2005
I'm Back...
I had a wonderful time. I'll probably blog about the trip later, but in short, Ireland is beautiful and the people are very friendly, there are a lot of things to do in Paris, and Belgiums love waffles. But not syrup on waffles, so I'm sure not visiting those freakazoids again.
I took 853 pictures. If I have your address, I will show up unannounced one night and force you to see every single one. I am even going to transfer them to slides and dig up an old slide projector for full effect. There is no escape. Pretending you are not home will do no good. I'm bringing a heat scanner.
The photo above is of the Sacre-Coeur, a Catholic cathedral and second-highest point in France. I still have no idea how to pronounce it.
September 29, 2005
If you thought I was neglecting the blog before...
I'm going on vacation to Europe for a few weeks. It is highly unlikely I will be updating the blog during the trip, unless something incredibly amazing happens, like a leprechaun kicks me in the nuts.
I never tried it out, but supposedly I have an RSS feed. So now you can get a lack of updates automatically, instead of checking in every other week. The power of technology.
I never tried it out, but supposedly I have an RSS feed. So now you can get a lack of updates automatically, instead of checking in every other week. The power of technology.
September 27, 2005
Random Thoughts
* The tag line for PG-13 movies is "Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13." There should be an enhanced version of PG-13, like "Some material will be inappropriate for children under 13". And it should be called PG-13-Mutha-Fucka.
* Almost every preview for a romance shows the entire plot in the trailer: awkward meeting between man and woman, confidential chat with sassy girlfriend, whirlwind courtship, cue the music, the big kiss. It's like a friend who reads a crappy 400-page book and then tells you it sucks in 30 seconds. Thanks, romantic movie trailers!
* I got a spam email that started, "This is your official notification from Shazam Inc Bank that the service(s) listed below will be deactivated and deleted if not renewed immediately." Do you know what this means?
1: There exists a bank called "Shazam Inc."
2: Evidentially, "Shazam Bank" is so popular that it's profitable for spammers to spoof the bank's web site.
I like Chevy Chase Bank, but if Shazam Bank ever sends me a mailing, we're going to appear in a romantic movie trailer together.
* Almost every preview for a romance shows the entire plot in the trailer: awkward meeting between man and woman, confidential chat with sassy girlfriend, whirlwind courtship, cue the music, the big kiss. It's like a friend who reads a crappy 400-page book and then tells you it sucks in 30 seconds. Thanks, romantic movie trailers!
* I got a spam email that started, "This is your official notification from Shazam Inc Bank that the service(s) listed below will be deactivated and deleted if not renewed immediately." Do you know what this means?
1: There exists a bank called "Shazam Inc."
2: Evidentially, "Shazam Bank" is so popular that it's profitable for spammers to spoof the bank's web site.
I like Chevy Chase Bank, but if Shazam Bank ever sends me a mailing, we're going to appear in a romantic movie trailer together.
September 20, 2005
The 'Skins
I'm not sure what's worse: seeing the Redskins suck, or hearing that they made a miraculous comeback late in the 4th quarter against Dallas RIGHT AFTER I TURNED OFF THE TV.
In spite of the fact that they are now 2-0, I think the Skins are marginally better this year than last. Their defense is still great, and their quarterback-deficient offense is still tepid.
Is there a rule saying you can't replace the quarterback with another running back? Or have a decoy mannequin running back that the real running back could toss to the side to elude his pursuers? I don't think there's enough out-of-the-box thinking in football. Instead of a left tackle, right tackle, left wide receiver, right wide receiver, why not just have 11 running backs? Except one of the running backs would be Patrick Ramsey in a fat suit, and he would throw a bomb to the receiver (in another fat suit) when the defense would least expect it. Which would be every down, because that's fucking crazy.
Other suggestions for Joe Gibbs: start a new quarterback every quarter. Ramsey in the first, Brunell in the second, and the new guy in the third. In the 4th quarter, start a pregnant woman. The opposing players will feel sorry for her and won't tackle her. Until she starts shooting footballs out of her vagina. Then they will run. Because it stops being sexy once you move past ping-pong ball.
In spite of the fact that they are now 2-0, I think the Skins are marginally better this year than last. Their defense is still great, and their quarterback-deficient offense is still tepid.
Is there a rule saying you can't replace the quarterback with another running back? Or have a decoy mannequin running back that the real running back could toss to the side to elude his pursuers? I don't think there's enough out-of-the-box thinking in football. Instead of a left tackle, right tackle, left wide receiver, right wide receiver, why not just have 11 running backs? Except one of the running backs would be Patrick Ramsey in a fat suit, and he would throw a bomb to the receiver (in another fat suit) when the defense would least expect it. Which would be every down, because that's fucking crazy.
Other suggestions for Joe Gibbs: start a new quarterback every quarter. Ramsey in the first, Brunell in the second, and the new guy in the third. In the 4th quarter, start a pregnant woman. The opposing players will feel sorry for her and won't tackle her. Until she starts shooting footballs out of her vagina. Then they will run. Because it stops being sexy once you move past ping-pong ball.
September 15, 2005
No, the Photo Isn't Doctored
I first saw this photo of President Bush writing a note to Condoleezza Rice on a liberal blog, and thought someone was making a silly joke. Then I realized Reuters took it.
What I like best about this photo is that he isn't sure that he needs to go to the bathroom. "Do I need a bathroom break? I'm not sure. Better ask Condi."
Not that I'm making fun. Sometimes I don't know if I need to go to the bathroom. The older I get, the more often I say "Let's give it a shot." The tail end of my GI tract pays out less often than a slot machine. I know what it's like to be president.
The president's writing style is interesting too. It's like his caps lock key keeps getting switched on and off. Maybe the case switching is actually a secret code, e.g. "bathroom" means "boring meeting / let's go to video arcade" and "BATHROOM" means "give Kofi a wedgie".
What I like best about this photo is that he isn't sure that he needs to go to the bathroom. "Do I need a bathroom break? I'm not sure. Better ask Condi."
Not that I'm making fun. Sometimes I don't know if I need to go to the bathroom. The older I get, the more often I say "Let's give it a shot." The tail end of my GI tract pays out less often than a slot machine. I know what it's like to be president.
The president's writing style is interesting too. It's like his caps lock key keeps getting switched on and off. Maybe the case switching is actually a secret code, e.g. "bathroom" means "boring meeting / let's go to video arcade" and "BATHROOM" means "give Kofi a wedgie".
September 09, 2005
Just Say No
I was fooling around with a computer game called Neverwinter Nights for a few weeks. Every now and then, your character in the game yells, "NO QUARTER!" At first, I thought he was a jerk who didn't like homeless people, but it turns out the saying is his battle cry.
I heard "NO QUARTER!" so often that a version of the phrase pops in my head everytime I see the word no. Leaving the library: "NO EXIIIIT!" Seeing someone walk shirtless into a McDonalds: "NO SERVIIICE!" In my time-travel daydreams of the 1700s: "NO PANTALOOOONS!"
I heard "NO QUARTER!" so often that a version of the phrase pops in my head everytime I see the word no. Leaving the library: "NO EXIIIIT!" Seeing someone walk shirtless into a McDonalds: "NO SERVIIICE!" In my time-travel daydreams of the 1700s: "NO PANTALOOOONS!"
September 06, 2005
Michael Brown
One of the side stories about the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina is that the incompetence of FEMA director Michael Brown is so gross that it may actually result in President Bush--get this--actually firing someone.
I will actually feel sorry for Michael Brown if he gets fired by Bush. What's he going to tell his children? Nobody gets fired in the Bush administration. If Bush were the manager in Friday, Ice Cube would still have a job. Heck, he would have been promoted. George Tenet completely bungles the intelligence on Iraq's WMDs. Fired? Nope. Medal of Freedom.
Paul Bremer, the former top American administrator of Iraq, disbands the Iraqi army, sending thousands of young, angry, unemployed men out into the populace. Wonder what they're doing now. I'll tell you what they're not doing: winning the Medal of Freedom. You want to know how Condoleeza Rice got promoted to Secretary of State? Took a dump on Cheney's desk.
To the President, firing someone is admitting a mistake, namely hiring the person in first place. And, the theory goes, provides an opportunity for your political enemies to attack you. Regardless, I hope either the President or Congress realizes they made a mistake by underfunding disaster management over the past several years and takes steps to remedy the problem.
I will actually feel sorry for Michael Brown if he gets fired by Bush. What's he going to tell his children? Nobody gets fired in the Bush administration. If Bush were the manager in Friday, Ice Cube would still have a job. Heck, he would have been promoted. George Tenet completely bungles the intelligence on Iraq's WMDs. Fired? Nope. Medal of Freedom.
Paul Bremer, the former top American administrator of Iraq, disbands the Iraqi army, sending thousands of young, angry, unemployed men out into the populace. Wonder what they're doing now. I'll tell you what they're not doing: winning the Medal of Freedom. You want to know how Condoleeza Rice got promoted to Secretary of State? Took a dump on Cheney's desk.
To the President, firing someone is admitting a mistake, namely hiring the person in first place. And, the theory goes, provides an opportunity for your political enemies to attack you. Regardless, I hope either the President or Congress realizes they made a mistake by underfunding disaster management over the past several years and takes steps to remedy the problem.
Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
I'll probably get back to posting more often soon. In the meantime, visit the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
September 02, 2005
...
A car behind me honked as I was driving up a steep hill. Nice try, buddy. If you think I'm accelerating to 15 mph with these gas prices, you're crazy!
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