24

* How many packs a day does Keifer Sutherland smoke to shape his Code Red danger voice?

* Why is CTU the easiest place in the world to infiltrate? Every season, they have a minimum of two moles, along with at least one terrorist walking in the front door with a fake ID card he made at Kinko’s.

SECURITY GUARD: “I haven’t seen you before. Who are you?”

TERRORIST: “Pizza man.”

SECURITY GUARD: “We didn’t order any pizza.”

TERRORIST: “Um, plumber?”

SECURITY GUARD: “Finally! It’s about time someone fixed that leaky toilet next to the poorly-guarded warhead. Come on in.”

Terrorist sets off metal detector. He freezes and slowly places his hand on a gun hidden above his hip.

SECURITY GUARD: “Freeze! [...] Holster wrench?”

TERRORIST: “Ja.”

SECURITY GUARD: “I knew it! You plumbers are all alike. It’s cool—don’t both taking it out.”

TERRORIST: “Danke.”

SECURITY GUARD: “Oh, and in the basement, make sure you flip the left switch, not the right. That’s the light switch. The right one is the self-destruct switch. There’s usually a “NO!” sign above it, but the masking tape fell off and Edgar hasn’t had time to waddle his fat ass downstairs and replace it.”

* I’m so annoyed at the fictional President in the show that if I ever meet the actor that plays him, I’m going to punch him in the face. President Dweeby is the worst President ever. He’s so horrible that he makes George W. Bush look like George H. W. Bush, George H. W. Bush look like Prescott Bush, and Prescott Bush look like President Taft.

* Just once, I’d like a terrorist to say “Help me and I’ll let you live” and actually let the person live:

METALSMITH: “Okay. That’s the last canister. Please, don’t kill me. I won’t tell anyone, I promise. I have a wife and two kids.”

TERRORIST LEADER: [pulls out gun with silencer and aims it at man’s head] “I have two kids too.”

METALSMITH: “Noooooo!”

The metalsmith closes his eyes. After a few seconds, he open them, and the terrorists begin laughing.

TERRORIST LEADER: “Gotcha!”

METALSMITH: “You’re not going to kill me?”

TERRORIST LEADER: “Naw, dawg. We were just playin’ wit you.”

METALSMITH: “Whew! [laughs] To be honest, I was kind of assuming you’d kill me from the beginning.”

TERRORIST LEADER: “Yeah, that’s our usual M.O. But, you know, it can’t always be frowns and downs.”