Headlines

U.S. may reduce its defense of Iceland
Yeah, that’s real smart. Play right into the hands of Greenland. WHY DON’T WE JUST GIVE AL-QAEDA THE BOMB WHILE WE’RE AT IT!

Lance Armstrong comforts Dana Reeve's son
Then issues press release about it?

Marijuana again tied to memory problems
Wonder why they forgot their findings the first time.

Icy 'super-Earth' discovered by astronomers
A “super-Earth” wouldn’t be icy. It would be lush and green everywhere except for M&M Forest, and in that place would be all the colors of the rainbow except red, because there’s no cancer on Super Earth.

The first ten feet of the ocean is heated to 68 degrees, and you can see 150 feet to the bottom everywhere, except for Dr. Pepper Sea , which people are NOT allowed to swim in. Also, some of the trees would be ninja trees. And if Super Earth is ever attack by alien invaders, its people will be terribly frightened, at least for the 5 seconds it takes for Super Earth to switch its volcanoes from “Cotton Candy Spewing Mode” to “Instant Death Rocket Firing Mode.”