Have Gun. Will Kill.

I don't understand the commotion behind Vice President Cheney shooting his companion on a quail hunting trip.

One, have you seen a photo of the victim (shootee?), lawyer Harry Whittington? Kind of looks like a bird. Maybe not a quail, but he definitely has some duck in his cheeks.

Two, I know the vice presidency isn't the most glamorous or powerful position in the U.S. government, but come on. You can't even shoot a man without creating a ruckus? What the heck is the point of being vice president then? He's not even a first-term vice president. He went over five entire years without shooting someone. Be honest: how many of you thought that would happen in 2000? I predicted Cheney would eat a man by 2006. We should be grateful he hasn't decided to eat a protestor yet. He could do it. Picket sign and all. Cheney is a beast.

Mr. Whittington isn't even dead. As most of the news accounts describe the incident, Cheney didn't shoot him. He "peppered" him with shot gun "spray." Much like you would pepper a salad, and spray it with a delicious glaze of flavored olive oil.

And the hospital where Mr. Whittington is staying at describes his condition as "very stable." Mr. Whittington is doing so well that the hospital had to invent a new way to describe a patient's condition. Stable doesn't cut it. There's a new king of the hill in town, and his name is "very stable". For all the losers in stable town who think they're doing well: you might as well pull the plug now, because stable = disabled. It rhymes, so memorize it, mother fuckers.

Should the White House have informed the press about the incident instead of leaving it up to the ranch owner? Should Cheney apologize and admit he was careless instead of claiming it was an unavoidable accident? I suppose so, but demanding that the White House show honesty and take responsibility for this incident is like having a spouse that had an intimate affair with another person every few months for the past five years, and then getting into an apoplectic rage when you find out he kissed a co-worker on the cheek yesterday.

All Cheney did was shoot a man. Why would anyone believe this incident would spur personal change?