Why isn't the warning BIGGER?

I received an envelope with the following printed above the address window: “PRIVATE CORRESPONDENCE FOR ADDRESSEE ONLY.”

I felt so embarrassed when I read this. All this time, I’ve been opening my roommate’s mail and taking his magazine subscriptions to open mike night at the post office. “LEARN HOW TO SAVE 35 CENTS SEWING YOUR OWN BUTTONS! MUST REPLY IN 5 DAYS! Thank you. You’ve been a great crowd. Remember to tip your postal carrier.”

I wish other objects were as thoughtful as my envelope…

“EXCLUSIVE PROTECTIVE SHELL DESIGNED FOR BIPEDAL ADVENTURE TRAVELERS. PENALTY FOR NON-APPENDAGE USE.”

“CONTAINMENT SYSTEM MADE WITH ALMOST MOTIONLESS LIQUID. TO BE USED ONLY BY VALUABLE PEOPLE WITH OPPOSABLE THUMBS.”

“LIQUID WASTE DISPOSAL UNIT / SNOW SIGNATURE DEVICE / MINIATURE FIREHOSE. GROWS FASTER THAN SEA HORSES. $19.95.$9.95!”