Hee Hee Hee

Some jackass directly linked to an mp3 on my server and set his web page up to play the file every time someone visits his page. As you can guess, this is a slight drain on my bandwidth. So I replaced the file with another one. You can hear it on his web page, or, if he has taken it down already, here.

A Tool for the Ages

I discovered a way to rate the obnoxiousness of a person. This epiphany was accidental. I find few people obnoxious, and I have never thought, "Sure, this guy is annoying, but how annoying?"

Yet I made the discovery while watching Charlie Rose interview Quentin Tarantino. I hate Quentin Tarantino, the person. Quentin Tarantino, the writer/director, is very skilled and has an interesting way of looking at the world. Quentin Tarantino, the person, is a pig-faced, megalomaniac who must have been a Benedict monk as a child because he can't shut up now. I watched a bit of the interview, rolled my eyes a few times, and grabbed the remote. Right before I was going to change the channel, I thought, "Wow, he's pretty interesting."

At this moment, this exact moment, my wine glass was ¼ full. The principle that I knew intuitively from parties took concrete root in my life. One can listen to Quentin Tarantino without punching the TV after ¾ of a glass of wine.

I was shocked that it only took ¾ of a glass, but the evidence was irrefutable. I watched the rest of the interview, 45 minutes, although I had to drink wine during the interview to keep my alcohol level constant, 1 and ¼ glasses, for a total of 2 glasses. Taking these results together, I composed an ODI (Obnoxious Drunkenness Index) for Tarantino:

Alcohol needed for initial de-obnoxiousification: ¾ of a glass of wine
Alcohol needed for continued de-obnoxiousification: 5/36 of a glass of wine per 5 minutes

Obviously, the measurements in this scale are relative, based on body weight, tolerance of alcohol, and hatred for humanity. But it could be an invaluable took for wish to describe their annoyance for a person more accurately:

"I hate Tarantino. His ODI is four beers, and that's when I'm in a good mood."
"I kind of like Tarantino. A shot of Jager and he's fine by me."
"Ohhhhh…I drank half a bottle of Tequila and then watched the entire State of the Union address. Why do I do this to myself?"

Short Reviews of Movies I Haven't Seen

Hell Boy Is It Good

The Punisher: Must See Movie!...For Guantamano Bay Prisoners

Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. Remember "Scooby Doo 1" where a poorly animated dog and a group of plastic characters plodded through a wooden script that bored kids and sucked the marrow out of whatever pleasant memories adults may have had about the characters? Oh, you don't? Then see this movie!

The Alamo: Ala-so-so

The Whole Ten Yards: The One Yard of Crap Really Makes a Difference When You Add It To Nine Yards of Shit

The Prince & Me: Pretty Woman Training Bra

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
'The Man' Sucks; Kaufman Rocks

Best Comment Ever

I risk jail time to show this to you, but it is worth it. I just saw this exchange of comments about a post I wrote last week about Bush's press conference. I don't know who wrote the second and fourth comments, but thank you for being the oil on the comedy wheel.

And Mr. Fitzgerald, my Republican friend who threatened to sue me over the horrid crime committed against him, you're going to love this. Ready? Here it is:

Bring. It. On.

(In Mr. Fitzgerald's defense, I will say this: he has impeccable grammar.)

It's another edition of...

Washington Post Headlines!

War May Require More Money Soon
War is like a college kid.

Iraq's Olympic Leader Faces Herculean Tasks
Slaying hydra, holding world up just preliminaries

Fed Head's Upbeat Report Stirs Fears
Disembodied head makes investors uneasy

MCI Must Keep Hold on Customers
Potential roadblock: "Must Keep Customers on Hold" policy.

AOL Chief to Focus on Growth
Contrast from previous chief, James "I'm Taking This Company Down With Me" Penzon.

New Darth Vader Costume on DVD
Costume shrunk, shaped into doughnut.

Can't you picture this scene in a skit?

The last paragraph in this excerpt from Bob Woodward's new book is hilarious.

On Jan. 10, a Wednesday morning 10 days before the inauguration, Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, national security adviser Condoleezza Rice and Powell went to the Pentagon to meet with Cohen. Afterward, Bush and his team went downstairs to the Tank, the secure domain and meeting room for the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Two generals briefed them on the state of the no-fly zone enforcement. No-fly zone enforcement was dangerous and expensive. Multimillion-dollar jets were put at risk bombing 57mm antiaircraft guns. Hussein had warehouses of them. As a matter of policy, was the Bush administration going to keep poking Hussein in the chest? Was there a national strategy behind this, or was it just a static tit for tat?

Lots of acronyms and program names were thrown around -- most of them familiar to Cheney, Rumsfeld and Powell, who had spent 35 years in the Army and been chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff from 1989 to 1993. President-elect Bush asked some practical questions about how things worked, but he did not offer or hint at his desires.

The Joint Chiefs' staff had placed a peppermint at each place. Bush unwrapped his and popped it into his mouth. Later he eyed Cohen's mint and flashed a pantomime query, Do you want that? Cohen signaled no, so Bush reached over and took it. Near the end of the hour-and-a-quarter briefing, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs, Army Gen. Henry H. Shelton, noticed Bush eyeing his mint, so he passed it over.

Must...resist...easy...joke

"McDonald's Corp. Chairman and Chief Executive Jim Cantalupo died of an apparent heart attack on Monday in Florida...." (article from Yahoo)

Okay, we get it. Smoking is bad for you.

Smokers Risk Frostbite, Study Finds

Bangers for Breakfast

Rob, of Sheffield, South Yorks, told The Sun: "I was reading it on a break and suddenly I saw the word 't**t'.
Imagine the embarrassment of a mum whose six-year-old son is asking her what a 't**t' is?"


Adidas put an advert in a British newspaper to promote the London Marathon. The ad is made up of thousands of thoughts in small type from runners. Rob of Sheffield, South Yorks, is understandably furious that some of these thoughts have naughty bits in them.

Actually, he's not understandably furious. What the hell is a "t**t"? A toot? A teet? A tart? I know what a tart is. It's a delicious, cream-filled pastry. Why is this embarrassing to explain to a six-year-old son? Is Mum on the Atkins diet?

If I had a six-year-old that could read pages of 8-pt. type and then ask, "Daddy, what's a b***h?" I wouldn't get mad. I'd give him an ice-cream. That kid is smart. And it would help him understand the reruns of The Chappelle Show that we would watch together.

I suppose if Adidas ran an ad promoting the Boston Marathon, the language barrier would still rear its head. "What are these bloody Americans getting so antsy about? I use a f**k for me pudding!"

Bad situation, good quote

Scott Kirwin, a computer consultant in Wilmington, Del., was a contract worker for J.P. Morgan Chase for about three years when he was told he was being let go. He says the contract was ended so that Indian workers could replace him. He was asked to train the replacements, he says, in order to keep getting a paycheck.

"You feel like you're the guy wearing the red shirt on Star Trek," Scott Kirwin, a computer consultant in Wilmington, Del., was a contract worker for J.P. Morgan Chase for about three years when he was told he was being let go. He says the contract was ended so that Indian workers could replace him. He was asked to train the replacements, he says, in order to keep getting a paycheck.

"You feel like you're the guy wearing the red shirt on Star Trek," says Kirwin, referring to characters who often died on the TV show. (from USA Today)

From America's leading news magazine

"Bush, Kerry make Time's 'most influential' list" (Yahoo headline)

Way to go out on a limb there, Time.

Are you alright? It looks like you're temporary flawed.

"There were some mutterings," Rowe said. But Ford stood by that spot, he said, because "it was not intended that the pigeon died. It was stunned. It was temporarily flawed." (link)

Five Things I Learned Today

1. One Lender's onion bagel for breakfast is delicious. Two is absolutely disgusting.

2. To make a new line within a cell in Microsoft Excel, press Alt-Enter.

3. A person can get used to a lot of things, like a faucet that gives cold water when turned left, hot water when turned right. Or, in this case, wrong.

4. An inkling of the health measures the porn industry takes to prevent disease from unprotected sex (although I still don't understand why the average life span of a porn actor isn't 27.)

5. I didn't learn five things today.

Oh, I'm supposed to remove the baby first

The phrase "Don't throw out the baby with the bath water" comes from the practice of baptisms. In an earlier time, Baptists placed much more importance on when babies were baptized rather than how. It was important to baptize them immediately after birth before the world could "stain" them.

The mother would give birth, the doctor or midwife would cut off the umbilical board, and the father would rush the baby to the bath, typically a small, metal tub barely larger than the baby. The baby gets dunked, dried off (I presume) and returned to Mama.

A few weeks afterwards, the baby would be formally baptized at a church, but this was just for ceremony. It's kind of like getting married in a courthouse and having the wedding later.

This bizarre relay race from belly to bucket took less than 30 seconds. Now, I'm sure not even the most scatter-brained person would forget to remove the baby when he threw out the bath water. But the process was so rushed and stressful, it gave birth to the phrase.

I think the way most people use the saying is different from its original meaning. I used to assume that when someone said, "Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater," the person meant "Don't discount the entire argument because there is a part of it that you don't like." But its original meaning is, essentially, "Don't panic."

Here's some more background about the old practice. Obviously, a priest couldn't be there to bless the water for every birth. Besides the practical issues of the number of priests versus the number of babies, and not knowing the exact day that the woman would give birth, only a few people could afford to have a priest. The priests didn't sell their services, per say. The church wasn't crass. But if you wanted your baby to have the super deluxe car wash instead of the regular, the family would have to ask the priest move in a few weeks early, typically right after the 8th month, in case of an early birth.

While the priest was staying with the family, the custom was for the priest to be treated royally. He would get the best bed, the warmest blankest, the finest foods, and so on. This is the guy in charge for their child's entire life (and afterlife). And if you lived in some dingy stick stack, you wouldn't even think of asking a priest to stay with you. It would be like asking Oprah Winfrey to stay in a college dorm room.

Few people could afford the status of a personal priest. But getting a baby baptized was more important than a tetanus shot, especially since they didn't have tetanus shots back then. The workaround was for a priest to stop by the expectant parents' home and "pre-bless" the water. It wasn't great, but it was good enough.

Pre-blessing water caused its own problem. In hindsight, sticking a newborn baby with a weak immune system into stagnant water swarming with bacteria after three weeks wasn't the best thing to do. In fact, sticking a baby into anything right after she is born isn't a good thing to do. These are the two reasons why, around the time when people discovered the novel concept of germs, Baptists switched in flocks from the when to the how, a formal ceremony several days after the baby is born.

***
There's something wrong with this essay. Can you figure out what it is?
Okay, I made it all up. It started off as a two-second joke for something else I'm writing and morphed into this. I didn't know the etymology of the phrase when I wrote this, but the story seemed so familiar that I half-convinced myself I learned the phrase's history years ago and was remembering it without knowing I was doing so.

Unfortunately, I'm nowhere close. Here's the real etymology (from scopes.com).

Although the admonition against throwing the baby out with the bathwater dates back to the 16th century, its roots are Germanic, not English. Its first written occurrence was in Thomas Murner's 1512 versified satirical book Narrenbeschwörung, and its meaning is purely metaphorical. (In simpler terms, no babies, no bathwater, just a memorable mental image meant to drive home a bit of advice against overreaction.)


Reality is so boring.

Bush's Press Conference

The transcript of his first question. Slightly edited.

QUESTION: Thank you, Mr. President.

Mr. President, April is turning into the deadliest month in Iraq since the fall of Baghdad, and some people are comparing Iraq to Vietnam and talking about a quagmire. Polls show that support for your policy is declining and that fewer than half Americans now support it.

What does that say to you? And how do you answer the Vietnam comparison?

BUSH: I think the analogy is false. I also happen to think that analogy sends the wrong message to our troops and sends the wrong message to the enemy. What are these messages? The message to our troops is that we don't support you. The message to the enemy is that we're going to firebomb your villages for the next five years. Okay, at this point, maybe that's the right message. But it's still the wrong message for the troops. Our troops aren't fighting in a rerun.

Look, this is hard work. It's hard to advance freedom in a country that has been strangled by tyranny. A country choked by repression. A country brutalized by a vicious madman, by a--to quote Gollum from The Lord of the Rings--muuurdererrrr. [Bush hisses for effect] [applause] And yet we must stay the course because the end result is in our nation's interest.
A secure and free Iraq is an historic opportunity to change the world and make America more secure. A free Iraq in the midst of the Middle East will have incredible change. It will be a beacon of hope for its neighbors and the region.

It's hard. Freedom is not easy to achieve. I mean we had a little trouble in our own country achieving freedom. Take The Patriot Act for instance--please! I'm all for fighting terrorists, but now you can't scratch your balls without John Ashcroft inserting a probe in your ass.

That's just an example. I do not actually scratch my balls. I'm the President. I have a stick.

We've been in Iraq for a year. I know that seems like a long time. It seems like a long time to the loved ones whose troops have been overseas. Especially with the time difference. But when you think about where the country has come from, it's a relatively short period of time.

And we're making progress. There's no question it's been a tough, tough series of weeks for the American people. It's been really tough for the families. Straight families. I understand that. It's been tough on this administration. But we're doing the right thing. And we're straight.

And as to whether or not I made decisions based upon polls, I don't. I just don't make decisions that way. If I did, I would have dropped my proposal to build a base on the moon. I just don't do that. I fully understand the consequences of what we're doing. We're changing the world, and the world will be better off and history will judge us favorably and we will repair our relations with the world and terrorists will cower and America will be more secure as a result of the actions we're taking.

QUESTION: Thank you, Mr. President. What's your best--

BUSH: Wait a minute. I have to answer another one?

In the News Today

However, the city's Catholic Archbishop Barry Hickey ordered her to remove it [Virgin Mary statue] from the church after an analysis of the "tears" found they were a mixture of vegetable oil and rose oil.

"It is therefore my rightful duty as Archbishop of Perth, for the correct guidance of the people of God, to say that the case for a miraculous happening has not been proved," he said.

That ruling did not stop thousands of people flocking to see the statue, which is now on display four days a week at Powell's home, renamed the Holy Family House of Prayer, where she has built a shrine for the weeping figurine.

Remember when people used to expect more from their miracles, like canola oil, or a bit of salt for realism?

* * *

The company, based in Burlington, Massachusetts, declined to provide further details on how the PackBot was destroyed in Iraq.

"The U.S. military is ... concerned that if they release too many details, insurgents will be able to take action (against the robots)," said Osa Fitch, program executive at iRobot's Government and Industrial Robotics division.

Protect the robots? Has Osa Fitch never seen a science fiction movie? This is how the Terminator series started. Why doesn't the company skip a few steps and rename it "PackTheHumansBot"?

* * *

The mail facility at Reagan National Airport shut down for 90 minutes last month after a grainy, green powder spilled from a package from Ethiopia, raising fears of a biological hazard. It turned out to be ground-up dried peas.

Dear Shecky,

Just replace the last sentence with "It turned out to be my mother-in-law's cooking!" Hi-O!

The Playmobil Web Site Has Had It Easy For Too Long

The annotated Playmobil Western Bandit.

I Need To Start Going To Church More Often

Actors Whip Easter Bunny at Church Show

Melissa Salzmann, who brought her 4-year-old son J.T., said the program was inappropriate for young children. "He was crying and asking me why the bunny was being whipped," Salzmann said.

Because, J.T., that's what happens to people who don't eat their eggs. So perhaps you don't want to scream at Mommy tomorrow during breakfast.

That Chicken Just Took a Poop

Let's go to Burger King!
(details at Boing Boing).

A Tale for the Times

Many years ago, Lynne Cheney wrote "Sisters," a novel of "a strong and beautiful woman who broke all the rules of the American frontier."

I didn't know the American frontier had rules. I thought not having rules was the whole point of the frontier. Who wants to travel 500 miles west and have to deal with a homeowner's association? But that's besides the point.

The book has received attention recently because it has some naughty bits, at least for a prim conservative in the public spot light. Naughty bits such as lesbian relationships, feminism ideals, and an overbearing, misogynistic man who can only express his sexuality in the crudest forms, such as demanding people call him by the name of his wiener. (Okay, I'm making the last one up.) The publisher was going to re-release the book but canceled plans a few weeks ago at the request of Ms. Cheney.

Some of the reviews of it on Amazon.com are quite funny.

If only I were a graphic designer...

I'd put this on a box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes:

"Bush Flakes: Elect Him Again for the First Time."

Microscopic No More

One of the effects of HDTV is that it points out flaws that were hidden by the low resolution of the older format. Set designers for sitcoms are starting to make more intricate props because what looked like a real mahogany table now looks like spray-painted pine.

HDTV (may) also bring out blemishes and minor cosmetic flaws that actors used to be able to cover up with makeup and clever lighting. This is significant because the standard of beauty for television actors is near perfection, a standard that most people can't help comparing themselves to and thus drives the fashion, makeup, and cosmetic surgery industries. When HDTV becomes more commonplace, one of things will happen. One, actors will meet this new standard through better makeup, more plastic surgery, etc. Or two, actors will find that makeup can't cover everything and plastic surgery is either not worth it or impractical for everyone to get.

I personally think the first option is much more likely than the second. But whichever way it goes, something will change. Either people will be more obsessed about beauty and less tolerant of their imperfections, or the standard of beauty will lessen and people will think it is more acceptable to have small flaws.

I Can't Pass Up a Good Super Mario Link

Mario, meet Mr. Electric Guitar. (from BoingBoing).

Way #3: Release Evidence That Shows, Back in His Drinking Days, He Saw a Tax Cut That He Didn't Like

The new issue of The Economist has a humorous cover titled, "Better Ways To Beat Bush" that also makes a good point. The traditional meat and potatoes issue of presidential elections is the economy. Of course, there are many other issues that play a role, but they rarely eclipse the economy in performance.

So with the economy sputtering, the obvious thing to do is to bash President Bush as much as possible, right? Wrong, at least in my opinion, which, as you know, is valued quite highly in the newsgroup alt.politics.election.strategy.stratego.monopoly.battleship.um.where.do. I.go.with.this.joke. ... .monkey.poop.cha-ching.

Focusing mostly on Bush's record on the economy is a risky bet. If the economy is sluggish, it's good for Kerry. But if the economy is strong, like Russian vodka, or gives the appearance of improving, like my ability to eat doughnuts, then all the time and money the Kerry campaign put in focusing on the economy is wasted. Will people care if the net job loss over 4 years is 1,000,000 jobs if the economy gained 1,000,000 of them in the last six months? I sense that the "Bush has lost 3,000,000 2,500,000 2,000,000 jobs line is already tired. It has been used so much it's like a liberal mantra.

But, as The Economist's cover points out, there's no need for Kerry to put most of his resources towards focusing on the economy. Bush has a host of flaws that will still be flaws six months from now, such as the record budget deficit and a term-length trend of misleading people on everything from WMDs to the estimated cost of the new Medicare bill. Some of these issues are strong enough to gain traction with the public if they are pounded by the message long and early.

Perhaps no one issue is as important to most voters as the economy, but I think attacking Bush on two or three of his weaknesses can cumulatively have the same effect and is a more stable strategy.

If you disagree, you can complain at my newsgroup.

Find the Answer

I want to start a series of "Where's Waldo?"-type books for adults called "Find the Answer." Inside it would be pop-ups of reporters and the White House press secretary, Scott McClellan. From last Wednesday's press conference:

Q Can I stay on that subject -- we need to stay on that subject, briefly. Could you explain to us why the White House requested that the President and Vice President jointly answer questions, as opposed to separately?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, one, we've said from the very beginning that it's important for the 9/11 Commission to have all the information they need to do their job. And we've worked very closely and cooperatively with the 9/11 Commission to make sure they have all that information. We have provided, as the Chairman and Vice Chairman have pointed out, unprecedented access to information from the administration to the 9/11 Commission, including our most sensitive national security documents. And that's the spirit in which we have worked.

Now, keep in mind that the 9/11 Commission already has more than 2.3 million pages of documents, there have been more than a hundred briefings, and that includes at the head-of-agency level, there have been more than 800 interviews and meetings with administration officials, some 900 audio cassette tapes of meetings and other materials that have been provided to them, and more than 60 compact discs of radar, flight and other information. So they already have a lot of information. And we want to work in a way that helps make sure that they have the information they need.

The commission very much welcomed the decision of the President and the Vice President to sit down together and meet with the entire commission and answer whatever questions they want to raise with the President and Vice President. This is a good way to make sure that they're getting the information that they need to do their job.

Q Why the specific insistence that they be together? I mean, they could --

MR. McCLELLAN: This is a good way to help them get the information they need and do so in a timely manner. Remember, they've already got a lot of the information, they've already conducted a lot of the interviews. And what they're trying to --

Q But they were separate interviews, right?

MR. McCLELLAN: What they're trying to do is get the information they need to complete their work and provide a full report to the American people. And we are helping every step of the way. And this is a way that will help them move forward in those efforts.

Q But why is the joint session better than separate sessions, which is what they --

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, one, it will help make sure they get that information in a timely manner. They can talk to both of them and help better understand how to piece together all the information that they've already received.

Homestar Runner

Brilliant as usual.

Only on April Fool's Day

Britain: Chicken-Equipped Nuke Not a Hoax

The Guatemalan Handshake

A friend of mine who makes some "warped-in-a-good-way" films is raising money for his new film, The Guatemalan Handshake. I know nothing about the film except that it probably involves robots, or breakdancing, because most of his films involve robots or breakdancing. But these aren't Hollywood gimmicks. Hollywood would make a film about a breakdancing robot with a talking dog and a man with a handlebar mustache who wants $500,000 or he's going to destroy half of North America.

He's holding a fundraiser at Visions for his new film. It is better than most fundraisers because you get to see a lot of short movies for the ticket price, $10. Also, if you tell him you know me, he will give you a cube of cheese on a toothpick.

The fundraiser--or, as some call it, Robot Monkey Dance Party USA 1984, is next Tuesday the 6th.

A Parable

You have probably heard the apocryphal story of four teenagers that get back home hours after their curfews. They agree to tell their parents the same alibi: they got a flat tire. The first person to get dropped off at his home is Willie. Willie is 16, has a sinewy body inherited from his rail-thin dad and thick, chubby cheeks from his Metro rail-thin Mom. The back-up quarterback for the football team, an ape-like beast with a mirthless laugh that can best be described as a drunk impersonating Elmer Fudd on karaoke night, enjoys calling Willie "Blowfish Head" when Willie passes him in the halls. The quarterback, Slate, read a book on blowfishes last year. He is in the 11th grade.

But all of this is irrelevant. When his friends arrived at Willie's house, Willie's parents were there to meet them. "Where were you kids?" cried Willie's mother, who was in her bathrobe and punctuated each word with the wave of a rolling pin. Willie found it unusual that his Mom was waving a rolling pin at them, because neither of his parents can cook and they don't own a rolling pin, but he had to admit it was quite effective. His father stood with his arms crossed and did nothing but stare.

"We had a flat tire!" blurted James. Willie clenched his toes and wiped the back of his neck. He hoped that his parents didn't know James spits when he lies. "Sorry, Mom," said Willie, "we changed it as fast as we good."

His father spoke. "Are you guys telling the truth?"
"Of courpthh weppth are." said James. Willie and his friends nodded.
"Well, there is one question I would like to ask each of you. In private, if you don't mind."

His father lead each of the teens out of earshot for a few moments. When he finished, he said to Willie, "You're grounded. And we're telling each of your parents you lied and were out late."

How did Willie's father know that the teenagers were lying? Encyclopedia Brown makes you turn the book upside down for the answer, but I won't. Willie's father asked each of the kids a simple question: "What the fuck is up with this bullshit, man?"

Well, that is the question his father wanted to ask. But the one he did ask was this: which tire was flat?

I tell this story because some may find it relevant today.

The Modestly-Titled "Newsmap"

Newsmap is a media watcher's dream. Using Google News, the program tallies the number of news outlets reporting on one story, like Condoleeza Rice's decision to testify to the 9-11 commission. It then displays the headlines of the most popular stories in boxes whose sizes are determined by each story's relative popularity to other stories.

My explanation doesn't justify its elegance. It's a wonderful mix of content and design.

Please Pardon My Language

Jesus fucking Christ.

The O'Franken Factor

Al Franken's radio show starts tomorrow at 12:00 noon. You can listen to a web stream of the broadcast.

In other news, Condi will be testifying in public and under oath to the 9-11 commission. I still don't understand why she (as well as Bush and Cheney) resisted testifying in the first place. I doubt she has anything to hide, but her argument about executive privilege is so ludicrous that it can't be the main reason. Perhaps their unwillingness in general to share information comes more out of instinct than decision, and they stonewalled the commission before asking, "Wait a minute. Why are we stonewalling?"

I love being generous to Bush. It makes me feel so big.

I'm Sssssick and Tired of This Discrimination

Snake people pop up often in fantasy literature, TV shows and movies. And it's always the same snake people: slits for eyes, a hissing sound when they talk, and a strange desire to conquer whatever planet they are on.

Bird people get Sesame Street. Mice people get Maus. Snake people get relegated to stereotypical, two-dimension bit parts that require them to curse our warm blood and rail against our vertebrae. "Look at them, hunched over their computerssssss, lifting heavy objects with their backsssss. They get to have spines, and they don't even take of them. Ssssssss. Soon, we will have our revenge…once we destroy the Joes. COBRA!

Why do snake people always get the shaft? They deserve our compassion. They have the worst of both worlds. They can't slither in small places and they have to pay taxes. Yet we hate them. For all we know, kind snake people from space wanted to visit our world and share their knowledge, but they were disgusted by our intense ophidiophobia. We even have a patron saint for the fear of snakes, St. Patrick of Ireland.

How deep does our hatred run that we need to embody it in a Catholic saint? Do we have a patron saint for murderers? For open sores? For television writers?

Actually, we do. The Catholics did some crazy shit. But that is no justification for narrow-mindedness. It is time we have a fair portray of snake people, one that shows them as sensitive souls and suspends the superstitions and stereotypes suggested about them that some have sought to spread in this sworld.

If the thought of snake justice still makes you uncomfortable, just remember this: the initials for snake people make up the first two letters of special.

About the lack of comedy recently

Perhaps if I publicly declare I will write something humorous soon, the shame of reneging on my pledge will motivate me to write.

I will write something humorous soon.

Monkey balls cock.

There you go.

Dear Mr. Chumbucket

Most of you will want to skip this. It's my response to a comment someone left about my post on Clarke that is way, way too long to fit in the comments section (1000 character limit).

[original comment]
Clarke is a liar pal. Here's a link to an interview transcript from 2002.... [Jason here: I suggest reading the interview so you can understand the poster's position. He has a reasonable point. ]

I especially like the part where Clarke says the Bush administration did NOT stop anything put in place by the Clinton administration to fight Al Qaeda, and in fact increased the funding to covert ops for that function by 5 times. He said that. What do you say to this?
ChumBucket | Email | Homepage | 03.28.04 - 10:18 pm | #

[my response]
James R. Thompson, one of the members of the 9-11 commission and no friend of Clarke, asked him about this 2002 interview. I included the exchange below. You can decide for yourself whether Clarke adequately addresses the purported discrepancies between his comments now and his comments in the background interview for the press.

Before I get to that though, a few comments.

Let's say someone accuses you of not having a chum bucket. He is lying, but even the suggestion that you don't have a chum bucket is so damaging that you have to prove this guy is lying. Do you:
a) Call him a liar.
b) Show people your chum bucket.
c) Both a and b.

I would argue that either b or c is the strongest way to refute this person's claims. If all you did is call him a liar, it would be your word against his, and people would wonder, "Why doesn't he just end this issue by showing people his chum bucket?"

Even if you think Clarke's claims are untrue, one would have to admit that the Bush administration's response has been almost all option 'a'. The evidence refuting his claims have been scanty and weak (e.g. this press briefing, in my opinion). Which is unusual, because Clarke's main claims are very easy to disprove, if the evidence exists. And there should be a lot of it, in the form of meeting minutes, policy papers, and classified material that can safely be declassified for the good of the country (e.g. Clarke's formerly classified press briefing).

Clarke may be wrong and Bush may have nothing to hide. But considering that Bush originally opposed the formation of the 9-11 commission, then opposed giving the commission a two-month extension, the administration is attacking Clarke's character instead of the meat of his argument, Condolezza Rice still refuses to testify under oath, and Clarke wants all his private testimony and e-mail exchanges with his former boss made public, Bush is at least creating the appearance of trying to cover up something.

The exchange with Thompson and Clarke:

THOMPSON: Mr. Clarke, in this background briefing, as Senator Kerrey has now described it, for the press in August of 2002, you intended to mislead the press, did you not?

CLARKE: No. I think there is a very fine line that anyone who's been in the White House, in any administration, can tell you about. And that is when you are special assistant to the president and you're asked to explain something that is potentially embarrassing to the administration, because the administration didn't do enough or didn't do it in a timely manner and is taking political heat for it, as was the case there, you have a choice. Actually, I think you have three choices. You can resign rather than do it. I chose not to do that. Second choice is...

THOMPSON: Why was that, Mr. Clarke? You finally resigned because you were frustrated.

CLARKE: I was, at that time, at the request of the president, preparing a national strategy to defend America's cyberspace, something which I thought then and think now is vitally important. I thought that completing that strategy was a lot more important than whether or not I had to provide emphasis in one place or other while discussing the facts on this particular news story. The second choice one has, Governor, is whether or not to say things that are untruthful. And no one in the Bush White House asked me to say things that were untruthful, and I would not have said them. In any event, the third choice that one has is to put the best face you can for the administration on the facts as they were, and that is what I did. I think that is what most people in the White House in any administration do when they're asked to explain something that is embarrassing to the administration.

THOMPSON: But you will admit that what you said in August of 2002 is inconsistent with what you say in your book?

CLARKE: No, I don't think it's inconsistent at all. I think, as I said in your last round of questioning, Governor, that it's really a matter here of emphasis and tone. I mean, what you're suggesting, perhaps, is that as special assistant to the president of the United States when asked to give a press backgrounder I should spend my time in that press backgrounder criticizing him. I think that's somewhat of an unrealistic thing to expect.

THOMPSON: Well, what it suggests to me is that there is one standard of candor and morality for White House special assistants and another standard of candor and morality for the rest of America. I don't get that.

CLARKE: I don't think it's a question of morality at all. I think it's a question of politics.

THOMPSON: Well, I... (APPLAUSE)

THOMPSON: I'm not a Washington insider. I've never been a special assistant in the White House. I'm from the Midwest. So I think I'll leave it there.

Richard Clarke...EVIL SPACE ALIEN!

The Bush administration and fellow conservatives' attempts to discredit Richard Clarke are alternatively funny and sickening. He wasn't in the loop (Dick Cheney). As head loop person, everything bad that happened is his fault. (Condolezza Rice). He's a racist (Robert "Valerie Plume. P-L-U-M-E" Novak, Ann Coulter). He didn't trash Bush's terrorism record in his resignation letter. Why is he trashing it now? Also, for old time's sake: it's Clinton's fault. Ahhh. That cookie jar will never be empty.

What's remarkable is that while the White House is attacking Clarke's character and motives, they have yet to refute almost all of his claims. One would think this would be the fastest way to quell this embarrasment.

There are so many claims and attacks being made every day that it is easy to get overwhelmed by the details. It's worth knowing about though. What is already a significant moment in politics may grow in importance in the next week, depending if Clarke's claims end up resonating with the public. TPM is the best site to go to catch up on this. The WP is doing a decent job too.

Sacre Bleu!

Let's see....he's a war hero so we can't attack him on defense. He's rich, but we're rich too, so scratch that. There's only one logical course of action: let's call him French.

Yay! It's Dying Time.

There have been a few stories lately suggesting that rebels in the mountains of western Pakistan are protecting an important al Qaeda leader. The rationale is that there must be an important figure there because over the past few days, the rebels have put up "unexpectedly stiff resistance" against the army.

I'm not a military tactician, but I have a hunch--and please keep in mind, this is just a hunch--about why the rebels are fighting so hard: BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO DIE. Based on the latest medical evidence, my conjecture is that the human body does not respond well to bullets fired at a high velocity towards it. Furthermore, to avoid unwanted conversations between bullets and brains, most humans will try to eliminate the threat, either by fleeing or firing similar bullets at the bullet-firing machines.

What else do people expect?

REBEL SOLIDER1: "Sir! Al-Zawahiri is safe. He escaped through the tunnel last night under the cover of darkness.
REBEL CAPTAIN: Excellent. Everybody! Put down your arms. Our mission is over. Two extra virgins in heaven for the person to get shot!
REBEL SOLDIER2: "When we run out to our death, can I sit on Ibul's shoulders? We have a long cloak so it will look like we are a giant person."
REBEL SOLDIER3 (Ibul): "And I'm going to scream "YA YA YA YA YA," but Sansha's lips won't be moving. He will be sucking on a lollipop. They will be so confused."
REBEL CAPTAIN: "Of course you can. It is a free country. [everyone laughs] I kid, I kid. Of course you can't."

What's the name of that word that means 'particularly appropriate name'?

It comes up in most of Gene Weingarten's chats. This author is one fine example of the word.

Random trivia: having difficulty recalling the name of a word is not aphasia. It's anomia, a characteristic of aphasia.

I Taught Her Everything She Knows

Perhaps the wisest thing I have done in my life was not pay money to enter a NCAA pool this year. For some people, betting on the tournament makes it more exciting. For me, it makes the first Thursday more exciting, where the possibility of winning a bundle of cash and admiration from my analytically-inferior peers fills my dreams during my 6:10 - 7:20 p.m. nap.

My shining bracket moment was picking Maryland to win the championship two years ago, but that was when 50% of the country, 70% of people in Maryland, and 80% of people in my pool mined this nugget as well. Picking Maryland that year was like picking President Bush to come into work with a nosebleed in the late 70s.

So this year, I entered ESPN's pool and was quite content with being in the 60 percentile after the first round. With over 1.8 million brackets entered, being better than a million people felt good.

That good feeling lasted almost a whole day. I am now getting beat by people named "CoinFlippa" and "THIS IS STUPID I HATE BASKETBALL FLORIDA A&M RULZ!" But it doesn't matter. Because my sister Michele is representing.

She's in the 99.5 percentile, or 11,784. It is as close as anyone in our family will come to sports genius. And although I wasn't able to apply my knowledge to my own bracket, I would like to point out that, had I not given her any advice, she wouldn't have know what not to do. As the special Zen episode of G.I. Joe taught us, knowing what not to do is the other half of the battle.

Al Franken

Quote I never expected to see in an article about Al Franken:

"His butt was like a cut basketball. Which, you know, you don't normally see in comedy writers.''

The New York Times has a lengthy feature on Al Franken. I found the depth of his involvement in politics interesting, such as when he organized a meeting with influential members of the media and John Kerry in his house early in the primary season.

Also, the four-page spread on his dunkable ass didn't hurt.

A Five-Year Conversation in the Pizza Industry, Compressed to a Mere Eighty-Seven Words

PIZZA EMPLOYEE: What do we do with these extra scraps of dough?
PIZZA MANAGER: Turn them into breadsticks, bitch.
[...]
PIZZA EMPLOYEE: What do we do with these extra breadsticks?
PIZZA MANAGER: Bitch, cut them up and pour some cheese on them.
[...]
PIZZA EMPLOYEE: What do we do with this extra cheese?
PIZZA MANAGER: I don't know. What's in the crust?
PIZZA EMPLOYEE: Dough.
PIZZA MANAGER: What the fuck? Stuff some cheese in that bitch.
PIZZA EMPLOYEE: Well, I am a magical talking dog.
PIZZA MANAGER: Damn LSD.

Signs, Signs, Everywhere Signs

Whimsical signs, mean signs, taffy signs, and my favorite sign. Link from #!/usr/bin/grl.

...

I feel like I could write every day for the next week or not write at all for a while. I hope to find the will to make it the former. The only thing I have written in the past week is the following: well, the following and everything before the second "the following." And by "the following," I mean everything after the second "the following," which includes the third, fourth, and fifth "the following"s.

I'm not sure how to label what I wrote, or even what title to give it, if any. It's different from what I usually do. If you enjoy reading it, that is wonderful.

***

A can of Coke was folded into itself like a child punched in the gut. It slumped in the gap between two sections of the concrete barrier erected to keep road drivers as road drivers, and not shoulder drivers. Shoulders are for concrete, and cones, and men who sweat along the ridges of their spines and between their toes. And they're always men, even if they're women, because that is what the "Men At Work" sign says.

Traffic moved slowly. In another gap was a bag of barbecue potato chips, Utz. Empty, of course. Construction workers are not elves, or pixies, or any type of whimsical creature that would leave goodies for hungry, slow-moving commuters to grab as they rolled by. I could tell they were barbecue Utz potato chips because of the large strip of orange on the bag. They use the same color for the chips. That makes it natural.

Then traffic decided to stop moving slowly. Why? Because that is bland and traffic is tired of being bland. What the traffic decided to become, without moving any faster or slower, is this: an obese man climbing a broken escalator.

If you think fat people should be mocked, then traffic is stopping every few steps to bite a jelly doughnut and lick the sticky powder off his hands. He is so fat that no one can squeeze past him. A line of impatient commuters are forced to glower at traffic as he ambles up the steps, smacking his fingers and wiping the saliva on the hand rail.

If you shy away from making fun of the frailties of others, then perhaps traffic is not fat. Perhaps he is overweight, and has diabetes, and the jelly doughnut is filled with insulin, and he is looking for an empty spot where he can escape the loud sighs and muttered remarks and fill the air with sobs that only birds and the boy that lives inside every man can hear.

Or perhaps he is like my Dad, whose cane tapped the ground in the rhythm of a clock. My dad was once thin. In old pictures, before the heart medication, his face is smiling and happy. His body grew bloated before I was born. In pictures where he holds me and my sisters, or sits next to his parents, or watching TV on the couch, his mouth is in a frown, the corners of his lips pushed down by the weight of his cheeks. Yes. It is the weight in his cheeks.

So when I say traffic moved slowly, I mean that it moved like a fat man, or a father, or a road clotted with cars. I mean it moved slow enough for me to imagine a construction worker annoyed that all the gaps are filled with trash. And what's this, a beer bottle? The construction worker glares at Miguel, who is laughing with his friends by bulldozer. Miguel is always happy. And he's always eating mints.

But these musing will soon end. For traffic will ease and these cars, these cells with four wheels, will flow again. Traffic always clears up in the end. It is why, if you remind yourself of this, you can battle the weight of your cheeks and still smile.

A Few Scenes

Is there a gay porno called "The Passion of Chris"? Because now would be a great time to release it into theaters.
[15 minutes into the movie]
"Daddy, why is Jesus wearing a leather mask?"
"I thought crucifixion was supposed to hurt. So why is Jesus smiling?"

***

DOCTOR: "Mr. Ashcroft, as part of the pre-operation prep, we're going to insert four thin cameras down your throat so we can map out your stomach."
ASHCROFT: "But the problem is with my gallbladder, not my stomach."
DOCTOR: [shoves cameras down throat] Yup. Welcome to Metaphor Hospital."

Coming Soon!

[Pepsi commercial]
[Coke commercial]
[Fandango commercial]

Okay, here we go.

I slept in until 3:00 today, and I don't feel the least bit guilty. I had a little adventure yesterday in the world of trash. Barring my laziness getting drunk at the bar and slugging my motivation when it comes home, I'll finish writing about what happened soon.

No Angels, Few Devils

I think that people with an intensely cynical outlook of politics and people have a warped view of the world. "Blood for oil" made me roll my eyes. Ditto for "The two parties are the same", i.e. it doesn't matter who is President, Senator, or member of Congress. And if someone had suggested that President Bush held off attacking a major terrorist because it would damage his case for war in Iraq, I would have been taken aback by that person's cynicism. But for the last claim, NBC news says this may have happened.

If this is true (and it is an if), I am not going to start assuming that every politician is acting on the worst motives. You remember when Wal-Mart was selling a DVD player for $29.99 and a woman got trampled by the crowd rushing into the store? Well, it didn't happen. The woman who made the claim is a con artist with a long history of personal injury cases against corporations. But it was easy to many people to believe, because aren't people so greedy that they would cripple a person for a cheap DVD player?

My point is that assuming the worst about people often assumes the wrong. But at the same time, not considering the worst is naive.

Dude, This Is Funny

This image is courtesy of a Photoshop contest that was on FARK.com.

What I Learned Today

sarcophagus -- limestone used for coffins, from Greek (lithos) sarkophagos, literally, flesh-eating stone.

Brilliant

I've been checking out a gay dating site, manline.com, recently. It has what has to be the gay dating site slogan ever: "Great men from top to bottom."

Short poem I wrote years ago that I'm not sure is finished

Sometimes when squirrels sing, the acorns go nuts.
Sometimes when the brain rings, our soul asks what.
How can we value one stick over another?
Friend over friend, sister over brother?

Web Page Mock-Up

I've been working on a mock-up of a web page as part of an application for a job. If the layout is skewed or messed-up on your computer, now would be a great time to tell me. Thanks.

Best. Game. Ever.

There is no other contender.

Wow

Why isn't this on the front page of every newspaper? Am I over-reacting?

Update: Here's the original article.

I Drew a Bottle of Whiskey

Draw Your Boss. The drawings on this site are uniformly excellent. Not necessarily in artistic quality or humor, but--well, you'll see. Just a few of the great ones: #41, 61, 69. (link from LYD)

Where's The 'Nap Duty' Box?

If anyone tells you that President Bush volunteered to go to Vietnam (See: today, RNC chairman Marc Racicot), just show him or her this.

It's True Because It Rhymes

Keep kids more alive
Drive 5

Let boys become men
Drive 10

Watch out for that spleen
Drive 15

Cars make slow kids hurt-y
Drive 30

Too fast and they're done
Drive 31

What if you're late?
Drive 48

Hitting kids--nifty?
Drive 50

When drinking makes you tipsy
Drive 60

Save them from the spelling bee
Drive 70

Sail like a pirate, matey
Drive 80

Big Red Ball

GROW! (from BoingBoing)

A Joke About Death

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Death."
"Death wh-AUUGKKK"

Like all my great jokes, that one was inspired by Utah. I'll get to that in a minute.

I have mixed feelings about the death penalty. It reduces our ability to be compassionate, but maybe this is a worthy price for retribution. I've noticed though that the death penalty debate is no longer about morality vs. justice. The yardstick is which method would make the criminal suffer more. During the D.C. sniper trial, I read and heard comments like "They don't deserve to live" v. "we should keep them alive so they suffer for their entire lives."

This reflects a general philosophy about incarceration in America. The idea of rehabilitation rarely enters the debate anymore. The focus is on making criminals suffer. Utah is currently debating whether to do away with execution by firing squad. Because shooting someone is a cruel way to kill a person? Not exactly:

During the Senate debate on Thursday, Sen. Ron Allen, a Democrat, said allowing murderers to choose firing squads so they can "go out in a blaze of glory" makes heroes of criminals and causes victims' families more pain.

But Sen. Dave Thomas, a Republican, argued that media circuses are "exactly what we want" in executions.

"We don't want these sentences to be carried out in the dead of night so no one knows," said Thomas, adding that lethal injection is painless and "the easy way out."

It's easier to hate someone than forgive him or her. It's often easier to point out what's wrong instead of what's right. Maybe this is just me, but I find the good parts of humanity a little harder to reach than the bad parts. We can be tough on crime, but perhaps we should be tougher on ourselves.

Sorry for the trail-off in posting recently. I'm finally putting a decent amount of effort into the job hunt. I thought it would be painful but the process has been more enjoyable than how I used to spend my days: eat, nap, eat, nap, web browse, nap, shower?, nap…

Extended unemployment has turned me into a model of frugality, or as I say now, frug. After disdaining the excess of consumerism and commercialization in our society for years, I find myself having a powerful desire to take a shopping cart, a couple of beers, and a lasso and round up an electronics posse at Best Buy. "Yee-haw!" I'll yell as I bring my cart on two wheels and lasso the last remaining IPod player from the hands of a sluggish teen, his senses dulled from years of rote learning, too many peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, and daily visits from his friend Mary Juniper Jane.

By the time he turns his head, he will only see a shadow fading into a cloud of dust, and hear faint yells of "Haa-hee!" "Who was that?" he'll ask. A Best Buy employee, sucking on a corn cob pipe while in a rocking chair, will tilt his head up just an inch. "There goes a man who hasn't bought a new pair of pants in a year."

What I Learned Today

You make a tint of a color by adding white to it.
You make a shade of a color by adding black.

The Ad Graveyard

Ads too flawed or funny to make it into print.

Rumsfeld Fighting Style

This is hilarious. Link fron InstaPundit.

Triumph's Best Triumph

Conan O'Brien said it was "probably the funniest ten minutes on television that's been on the air in the past five, eight years." Triumph The Insult Comic Dog visits that Star Wars geeks. (18 megs)

Tricksy Reporters!

Calhoun provided records to CBS News to prove he was on the base at the time. He says the President regularly drilled during the months of May through October 1972, when Mr. Bush was working on an election campaign.

"I know he was in there on drills, uh, four months. And it could have been five and it even could have been six."

But Calhoun's account appears to be at odds with records released by the White House. They show that President Bush logged no Guard duty -- anywhere -- from April 17th until October 28th.

I am posting this to point out a sneaky thing the reporter who wrote this did. It is customary practice for reporters to filter out ums, uhs, and other filler sounds that we use on a daily basis from quotes. But the AP writer left the 'uh' in Calhoun's quote, which nudges the reader to doubt what Calhoun says. And considering that the next paragraph contradicts what Calhoun says, I think that the 'uh' was intentionally left in as an editorial comment.

I found it an interesting writing technique. But maybe I'm overanalyzing the writers' intentions. Any thoughts?

More Press Conference Goodness

I watched today's White House press briefing on C-SPAN. What breed of nerd have I become? The White House is still getting heat from the press about Bush's past and undisclosed military records. Scott McClellan's steadfast resolution to hold the White House line is comical. He often has a slight smile on his face when he says something he knows the press isn't going to buy. And check out The Daily Show reference at the end.

Q I'd like to come back to the records one more time, if I could. Forgive me if I'm beating a horse that you would rather see depart this world. (Laughter.) But the President, in his --

MR. McCLELLAN: I think most of the American people believe that this issue has kind of run its course.

Q The President, in his interview on Sunday, was asked the first question about possible release of records, the first question about possible release. He was asked, when there were questions about Senator John McCain's record, Wesley Clark's record, they authorized the release of their entire file. The President was asked, would he do that? And he replied, "Yeah." So why is the President reneging on that pledge?

MR. McCLELLAN: John, do you want to continue on and go through the rest of that questioning?

Q Because that was the first question to which he answered in the affirmative -- don't try to parse it out.

MR. McCLELLAN: John, here's the question, quote from Tim Russert. "But you will allow pay stubs, tax records" --

Q Let's go with the first question. You're parsing.

MR. McCLELLAN: No, I think you are, because the issue that Tim Russert raised was whether or not he had served while he was in Alabama.

Q Read the first question, Scott.

MR. McCLELLAN: "But you will allow pay stubs, tax records, anything to show that you were serving during that period." "Yes. If we still have them." We have provided you with that information, and we will continue to.

Q Read the first question.

MR. McCLELLAN: I just -- you read the first question. I read this question. It was the --

Q Right. It was the very first question --

MR. McCLELLAN: The context of this discussion --

Q The very first question, when he said, "entire record," the President said, "Yeah."

MR. McCLELLAN: Oh, John, let's look at the context of the discussion. The context of the discussion was clear about whether or not he had served while he was in Alabama. It was very clear.

Q The first question was about entire --

MR. McCLELLAN: We can agree to disagree on this issue, but I think it was very --

Q We're going to end up on the Daily Show again with this one.

MR. McCLELLAN: -- very clear about the context of the question.

Political Theater at Its Finest

It's days like this that I almost feel sorry for Scott McClellan, Bush's press secretary. Josh Marshall posted a transcript of a spirited conversation McClellan had with the press today. I wonder if this story will fizzle out over the weekend, and if the Bush administration will try to assist the fizzling by making a newsworthy policy declaration (e.g. a new mental health care plan, "Loons to the Moon").

Z-Beats

Like Elvis making a peanut butter and banana sandwich, a DJ mixed Jay-Z's Black album with the Beatles White album to create a tasty, heart-clogging concoction called the Grey album. If you have a modicum of interest in either band, then the songs are worth hearing. It's mixed so well that it is hard to imagine Jay-Z's songs performed in another way.

You can download the songs at this site or from Kazaa. (link from BoingBoing)

Mystery Beard Revealed

I don't know if anyone cares at this point, but I am finally revealing the identity of our mysterious, prickly stranger (image scaled down). Since no one got the answer right, or got even close, or even tried, the can of salmon will be poured into the gutter. The pouring will send it on a long journey through a maze of pipes, grinders, and tubes that will eventually return the unlucky salmon to its natural home, and possibly our drinking water.

Next contest: Celebrity Dental Records.

Tom the Dancing Bug...

...is brilliant.

Holy Sxhit

My keyboard is working again. This is very cool. I was leafing through the Best Buy ad to see if they had a sale on keyboards. I feel like Sam in LotR after Shelob poisoned Frodo and he left the comatose Frodo for dead. How could I think my keyboard could actually die? What a foolish thought. My keyboard, the voice of the hands, is like a grizzled soldier, its keys encrusted with the gunk from a 1000 papers. I love you keyboard! Not enough to clean you, but, like the raven, I will bang the enter key nevermore.

sxhit

I sxpil.l.ed winme onm nmy keyvboardl anmd I c,anm't writel. I feel. l.ike nmy hajnmdsx hagvbe vbeenm c,ut offl. Nmy worl.d isx l.inmited to l.ittl.e hol.esx where nmic,e c,anm c,raw[l. throughl. Wil.l. posxt agaijnm onmc,e I vbuy a keyvboardl. Thisx isx nmot a jokel. I anm pisxsxed offl. It wasx good wijnmec, tool. I'vbe sxpil.l.ed tonmxs of l.iquidsx onm nmy keyvboard vbeforel. Why dikd it hagvbe to givbe up nmow?

Scariest Headline I've Seen in a While

"Ordinary Americans asked for advice on space missions"

Updated for Washington

"...in this world nothing can be said to be certain but phallic monuments and quarterback controversies." (original quote (which is almost universally misquoted) / awesome resource)

Santayana said...

I know the Bushes hates the Clintons. But couldn't they have learned from Bill and Hillary's mistakes?

Much of Clinton's troubles were caused by how his administration handled scandals. Their philosophy was to stonewall and not help out the other side by releasing files or information. But unless your administration is leak-free and there's little political pressure for you to cooperate, the result of this tactic is to extend the life of the political problem at hand.

Journalists can't write the same story twice. If nothing changed, then it's not news. So if you air all your secrets at once, the media whacks you around a bit, does a few reports on how the public and politicians are reacting, and that's it. There's nothing else to report.

But with the Clinton administration, every day there would be a leak or they would grudgingly hand over a document due to political pressure, so every day there was another twist to the story and the issue stayed in the news. It didn't helped that this tactic made them look guilty even if they weren't guilty of what Republicans were accusing them at the moment (e.g. Whitewater).

Now the Bush administration is making the same mistake. Bush's military record has become a big story because his administration is acting like they have something to hide. Bush says on Meet the Press that he'll release all of his military records...and then only releases some of them. Which doesn't resolve the issue. So the next day, his press secretary sweats as he evades the questions of the once lifeless press corp. And on it goes.

I, personally, am enjoying every minute of it. Because this issue is almost entirely of Bush's creation. Do most people care whether he skipped out of doing drills for a few days? Or, the worst case, he skipped his physical because he was snorting cocaine? So what if he was? It was over 30 years ago, and people change. But how he handles it today--that speaks of his character. And it's why this story may stick around for a few days to come.

Need Something Else To Worry About?

How about THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!

Okay, I'm being melodramatic. The issue is about the upcoming scarcity of oil. You know how when a keg is near to being tapped, the beer pours out slower, and you have to do more work by pumping the keg to get it? Some experts think we're approaching this point with oil. The idea is that the world oil producers have or will soon hit the peak of global oil production. Any oil extracted after that point will need a steadily increasing amount of work (and money) to do so. In a span of a few decades, oil will no longer be an economically viable fuel source.

Considering that the world is dependent on oil for everything from powering cars to food production, and that there's currently no alternative fuel source that can meet a fraction of the world's energy demands, one may say this is good cause to worry about THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!

So is this a real problem or the product of the overactive imaginations of energy conservationists? I've been reading articles on the Net for the past hour and I think it's the former, although there's a lot of debate on the date that we'll hit the peak capacity (date ranges from "already happened" to "20-30+ years from now)

You can start looking into the issue with this article from The Christian Science Monitor.

More sources: 2 3 4

Note Note

Note: I added a endnote to the "Say It Ain't So" piece that deals with the statistics I cite in it.

"I'm electable if you vote for me" -- Dennis Kucinich

Perhaps, most telling, the Virginia exit polls showed, was the perception that Kerry could defeat President Bush in the November election. Of the plurality of voters who said the ability to defeat Bush was the most important candidate quality in determining their choice, three quarters voted for Kerry, according to the survey.

I don't know if voters are being savvy or stupid by thinking Kerry is the most electable candidate. A lot has been made of the advantage Kerry has when one matches up his service in Vietnam against Bush's service in...well, we're still figuring that one out. But will this resonate with the public? The 1996 campaign also had a war hero v. a candidate with questionable military service. Except the draft dodger won.

Different times, different needs, different everything, I know. I'm just suggesting the conventional wisdom on this one isn't as strong as it first appears.

The Final Lap of Mystery Beard

This is the last Mystery Beard clue, but it's a good one. This actor had a role in Blazing Saddles.

I will reveal the secret in a day or two.

What I Learned Today

I'm starting a new feature, "What I Learned Today." There have been several times over the past few weeks that I have kicked myself for hearing an interesting fact and then forgetting it, despite the dedication of the full powers of my brain into avoiding the road more traveled. I am reluctant to write them down on paper, lest I die and the coroners find the notebook: "Rainbows have an extra color! It's murple!" I would be so embarrassed.

So on the Internet it goes. This fact comes from a story on NPR.

What's the secret to creating a flu vaccine? Eggs. Eggs have been used for the past 50 years to create flu vaccines. The vaccine is created by poking a needle through the top of an egg and ingesting that year's hot virus along with a second fast-growing strain (presumably so the two viruses genes can mix and ensure that the vaccine will grow fast).

Then, to speed up the virus' production, virologists incubate the eggs (375 degrees for 20-25 minutes, or until moist and chewy). The resulting virus, called the "seed virus" is used to infect the millions of eggs that produce the world's annual flu shot needs. The entire process takes about six months.

Most scientists see the arrival of a flu pandemic a matter of when, not if. The arrival of the Asian bird flu has triggered a search for a faster production method. A lot of people can die in the six months it takes to make enough of the vaccine. And it would suck for people who are allergic to eggs. (sources: 1 2)

Somebody Get Me a Beer. I'm Having Hot Flashes.

NPR had a story on male menopause today. Shouldn't male menopause be called menopause, and female menopause called womenopause?

Say It Ain't So

President Bush predicted on Monday that the economy will create 2.6 million new jobs in 2004. And he may have ruined the economy by doing so.

You see, in 2003, Bush announced that his tax cuts would create 580,000 jobs. But by the end of the year, the economy had lost 500,000 jobs. (1)

According to my calculations, for every 1.16 imaginary jobs Bush predicted, one real job was destroyed. This is no coincidence. Similar to a proton and an antiproton colliding, these imaginary jobs given life by President Bush are annihilating real jobs. Bush has unearthed, unwittingly, an hitherto unknown cosmic law of karma that has the power to destroy our country. And with today's prediction, the future bodes much worst.

By predicting the creation of 2.6 million imaginary jobs, Bush will destroy 2.2 million real jobs, putting a knife into the staggering economy and sending us back into a severe recession. The trend will perplex economists and politicians, who will label it "the jobless recovery" and try to pin the responsibility on their political opponents. But we will know the real reason: Bush's promise not to rest until every American who wants to work has a job.

This phenomenon is not limited to job creation. Have you noticed how the stock market tanks after Bush speaks about the economy? Wonder where all the WMDs are... after Bush has been saying they would be there for many months? How he praised Cheney often in 2000 and 2001...and now the VP is nowhere to be seen?

The evidence is overwhelming, and we must take action. If we can get word to President Bush and convince him to predict the elimination of 2.6 million jobs, preferably in a nationally televised speech, the karma polarity will reverse, creating over two million jobs and ushering us into an age of relative prosperity and low unemployment.

It would be a gutsy move for him, But once he sees the evidence, I am sure it is one that he will make.

(1) I spent about a hour trying to find a reliable source on how many jobs were gained or lost in 2003. One would think the Department of Labor would have this information, but I could only find the month-to-month change and I didn't trust myself to add them correctly.

A few days after I wrote this post, I stumbled upon the liberal web site The American Prospect's web site, which has different numbers. Are they more accurate? I don't know. I present them for your own judgement:
Jobs promised by Bush in 2003: 1.7 million
Jobs lost in 2003: 53,000
Jobs promised in 2004: 3.9 million

If anyone has more accurate statistics, I would love to see them and hear about how you found them.

Bush's Meet The Press Interview

If you weren't able to watch President Bush's interview with Tim Russet on Meet The Press, you can read the transcript. It's lengthy though, so I condensed it for those of you short on time.

RUSSERT: Mr. President, welcome back to Meet the Press.
BUSH: Thank you. [very fast] 9-11.
RUSSERT: I'm sorry?
BUSH: Nothing.
RUSSERT: In light of not finding the weapons of mass destruction, do you believe the war in Iraq is a war of choice or a war of necessity?
BUSH: That's a very good question. The American people deserve to hear an answer to it. 9-11.
RUSSERT: 9-11?
BUSH: What about it?
RUSSERT: You just said 9-11.
BUSH: No I didn't.
RUSSERT: I'm sorry. I misheard.
[long pause]
RUSSERT: Do you have an answer to the question?
BUSH: Yes. It was a war of necessity. I made the decision to go to war based on the intelligence we had at the same. The same intelligence Congress had when they approved the war. Saddam was a madman. A murderer. A devil with three horns, one for extra devilry. For years he inflicted terrrrr on his people. He was also had stockpiles of biological and chemical weapons, and wanted to have nuclear weapons. Some parts of our intelligence may not not turn out to be not true. But what we knew from before the war is still true today: Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction programs and/or related activities.
RUSSERT: Let me turn to the economy. I have one of my charts. [shows graphic] The Bush-Cheney first three years: The unemployment rate has gone up 33 percent. There has been a loss of 2.2 million jobs. We've gone from a $281 billion surplus to a $521 billion deficit. The debt has gone from $5.7 trillion to -- or it's up 23 percent. Based on that record, why should the American people rehire you as CEO?
BUSH: Tim, there is a reason for each of those statistics. 9-11, 9-11, 9-11, and--what was the last one?
RUSSERT: $5.7 trillion debt.
BUSH: Definitely 9-11.
RUSSERT: How can you attribute the state of the economy and the budget deficit all to 9-11?
BUSH: It's pretty easy. Take a look at one of my charts. [shows graphic]. If you follow the red, pointy arrow, you can see that we had to fight the war in Iraq because of 9-11. The war in Iraq and 9-11 put a strain on our economy and raised the deficit. So I had to stimulate the economy by cutting taxes. That raised the deficit, putting a further strain on the economy. That's why we need to fight another country: to avoid another 9-11.
RUSSERT: President Bush, your moon language confuses me.
BUSH: It is confusing. That's why we're going to the moon in 2012.
RUSSERT: But why--
BUSH: Knock-knock.
RUSSERT: Um, who's there?
BUSH: 9-11.
RUSSERT: I know where this is going.
President Bush wrinkles his nose and frowns.
RUSSERT: Okay. 9-11 who?
BUSH: If you don't know the answer, then you're with the terrorists. Gotcha!
RUSSERT: And with that, we're out of time. Thank you for going us Mr. President. We'll be back next week.
BUSH: I gotcha good, didn't I?

Free-dum

Florida has a set of progressive open government laws where residents can request to see any public record from an agency. But the reality isn't that simple. A group of journalists, posing as regular citizens, tested the system by contacting several hundred local government agencies and making run-of-the mill requests. The agencies they contacted often denied them the information or gave them the runaround. From the article:

Some government agencies tried to justify their suspicions by citing heightened security concerns brought on by the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.

In a post-audit interview, Taylor County Superintendent Oscar Howard said his district was hesitant to produce his cell phone bill because the volunteer wouldn't give his name.

"He could have been a terrorist," Howard said. "We have to ensure the safety of children."

Howard couldn't explain how a terrorist might use his cell phone bill to harm children.

The WMD Panel

Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa) said Bush's handpicked appointments "to investigate his own administration . . . creates the appearance of a cozy inside job." House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) called it "a commission wholly owned by the executive branch investigating the executive branch." [Wash. Post]

I can't believe this. Not that Bush handpicked the panel to investigate the weapons of mass destruction. It's that Tom Harkin and Nancy Pelosi are completely missing the point. As Josh Marshall points out, the panel can't investigate the White House.

No, really. Read the order yourself. The panel members have been mandated to investigate the CIA and the intelligence gathering process, nothing else. The executive branch--and its possible misuse of the intelligence--isn't mentioned, even implicitly. I don't even know why President Bush bothered to handpick the panel members and have the deadline for the report to be well beyond the election (March 31, 2005). He could have appointed nine feces-throwing monkeys to the panel and still get off clean.

Why isn't this news? It's like a criminal peeing on the floor and slapping "Ol Susana" on his ass to distract you from the body in his car. Am I completely misreading this? I feel like I'm living in a loony house right now.

Clue #4

I have been coy about revealing too much information about our celebrity beard. Perhaps too coy, for no one has been close enough for me to remove the can of salmon and caress it, like one would do to a dying dog. So while this next clue may give too much information, I feel that it is necessary.

Clue #4: Clue #1 is a complete lie.

Keep on guessin'! Remember, a can of fish is at stake (photo coming).

My definition of cool

Being different in the right way.

Stuttering Haiku

I w-w-w-w
w-w-wish that th-th-th
Oh, forget it. Shit.

We Like The...Quiznos?

You may remember the "I Like The Moon" song that I linked to several months ago. I heard it again for the first time in a while. It was coming from the TV. Quiznos, a mythical sub company that doesn't really exist (have you ever actually seen a Quiznos?) is using a version of the song in a commercial.

I Now Pronounce You Man and Man

It will be marriage in Massachusetts, not civil unions. The highest state court ruled today that the legislature cannot offer gay couples civil unions with full rights in lieu of marriage.

I'm glad this is happening, and I'm glad this is happening today. Some gay people are content with the word civil unions if it comes with the same rights as marriage. I'm not, for the same reasoning as the courts: it's a return of "separate but equal" that creates a second class of citizens.

Some people would also prefer that we have this debate a few years from now, when society might be more accepting and there would therefore be less of a legislative backlash. I may have agreed with this 10 years ago, when the threat of constitutional revisions were much more of a possibility, but that's not a big threat now. Even some people against marriage are against barring it by amending the constitution. The only other realistic option today to prevent gay marriage is legislative, and those laws can be struck down by the courts.

My other argument on why this decision comes at the right time in history is more subtle. The acceptance of gay people in our culture started at the direct experience level, e.g. a straight person finds out his best friend is gay, and has a conflict with his previous, socialized belief that being gay is weird and/or immoral. This isn't an easy conflict to resolve. But once enough people did, the idea that we should accept gay people began bubbling up into the socialization process, through TV shows and other media. We're at the point now that most kids are being socialized to accept gay people, almost a complete reversal from 20 years ago. In one poll on gay marriage, 61% of 18- to 29-year-olds favor it; 18% of people 65 and older do.

Here's my point: having the courts establish the legality of gay marriage strengthens this socialization process, even if it's just a bit. More importantly, it weakens the socialization process with the opposite message, that gays marriage is wrong. It is harder to make an argument that directly contradicts the law, whether it's a good argument (blacks has a right to equality) or a bad one.

In the past, when the courts have made rulings that society wasn't "ready" for (I'm thinking about civil rights here), society eventually adjusted to the ruling, much faster I would argue then if one just waited for people to change on their own. In other words, you may have to cram enlightenment down people's throats, but once you do, they eventually swallow (who wants to extend this metaphor to puking?). And because I think there isn't enough support for constitutional amendments today at either the national or state level, I feel this ruling comes at the right time.

Clue #3

The guess for the Celebrity Beard contest are flying in. People have guessed such names as Orlando Bloom. And many others. Will the next clue shed any light on this celebrity's identity? Will it unearth any secrets, secrets buried under an abandoned Planet Hollywood? Will the kilt of mystery lift up, revealing a willy who may be named Willy?

Probably not.

Clue #3: This actor has an X, Q, or N in his name.

One guess per day, people. That means you, Ralph! Stop sending me email.

Bad Move

January 27, 2004

Dear Senator Bill Frist:

I am sending a piece of candy that represents the person to every legislator in Congress. It's my way of saying, "Thanks for your service to our country." Since you are intelligent, you get a roll of Smarties. I hope they don't get crushed in the mail!

Keep on truckin!
Jason Walther

Subject: Security Alert: E-mail and Internet Scams

Date: February 3, 2004

Many e-mail scams are currently circulating the Internet and showing up in e-mail inboxes. Many times, these fraudulent e-mails are designed to entice recipients into giving up sensitive credit card and bank account information. It is important to know how to identify and validate whether an offer is a scam, and who to contact in the event you receive one of these questionable offers.

How do I project myself from a scam?

There are many steps you can take to project yourself:
* Don't follow web links in an e-mail requesting any financial information.
* Contact your bank and ask for verification before responding to any e-mail correspondence you receive from your bank.
* Visit Scamprotector.com. You can find out how much of your personal information is publicly accessible and learn how to remove it from the public arena. Just log in with the driver's license or credit card number you want to check at the prompt and Scamprotector will take care of the rest.

Clue #2

Okay, I didn't give much information about the identity of the Celebrity Beard. Maybe this next clue will help. It's not Marlon Brando.

And we have a prize for the winner: a can of salmon. When you're in the mood for salmon but don't have time to warm it up, eat Can of Salmon. It's the salmon that swims right into the can. Shipping not included.

Celebrity Beards

I'd like to announce a new contest for the web site, Celebrity Beards. Each week, I'll post the closeup of a celebrity beard and a clue about the owner of the beard. I'll post another clue each day until someone gets the answer.

Celebrity Beard #1

Clue #1: This actor starred in a movie in the last six months.

There are no prizes as of yet, but I'll try to think of one. Happy Bearding!

Three Things About Levitra

1. It's no longer erectile dysfunction. It's "ED." Or, on the tube, a football being thrown again and again through a tire. "Have a problem with ED?" "You can get help for ED." (Tip for guys: ladies love having their vaginas compared to an old tire.)

2. Levitra does not prevent against sexually transmitted diseases. This is not my bold declaration. That's one of the disclaimers for Levitra. In fact, by its function, Levitra greatly enhances your risk of getting a sexual disease. It also increases your risk of poking someone's eye out and allows you to play horseshoes anywhere. Like with ED.

3. Erectile dysfunction occurs when the heart is unable to pump enough blood into the penis. In these cases, the heart is also not pumping enough blood into the brain, arms, legs, and every other area of the body. Erectile dysfunction is an early warning sign of a heart disease. But don't worry about that. Take the Levitra Challenge.

Why I Thought of the Following This Morning I'll Never Know. Unless I Want To.

There's a concept in psychology called "locus of control." It's the degree of control you feel over your own life. Many people whose stuttering is a disability for them have a strong external locus of control. Stuttering just "happens." It comes out of nowhere and you can't do anything about it. On the flip side, a stutterer with a strong internal locus of control thinks he or she can do something about it and improve.

Have you ever had something bad happen early in the day and think, "Geez, my whole day is going to turn out bad"? External locus of control. Don't believe in luck? Internal locus of control. Ever take a dump so huge that you gathered your friends and lifted the toilet lid like the Lost Ark was inside? That's just plan sick. And funny. But still sick.

What if your religion influences your locus of control? I may be totally misrepresenting Christian fundamentalists, but it seems that a strict following of the Bible's words would lead to an external locus of control. The idea of waiting for Jesus to return, or the apocalypse coming, or the criterion for entering heaven is accepting Jesus, and has nothing to do with what you do in life. You could argue that accepting Jesus is a choice you have and represents an internal locus of control, but I think a religion that says you get into heaven by doing good deeds and trying not to sin teaches a much stronger locus of control, because it carries through your entire life, not just one moment.

As an atheist with a strong external locus of control (at least for now), I have no answers. But I toss it out to hear your thoughts.

You'll Never Look At Him The Same Way Again

I love this article on why Wesley Clark rarely blinks. It takes a odd but small detail and views it through different disciplines to give an interesting look at his habit.

Words I never expected to say during a Super Bowl

"Wait a minute. Was that her breast?"

It was. (news article, safe for work).

Update: Move over weapons of mass destruction related programs. Justin Timerblake explains the situation: "I am sorry that anyone was offended by the wardrobe malfunction during the halftime performance of the Super Bowl."

That halftime moment was so funny that I had a wardrobe malfunction in my pants. I have to say though, if Janet Jackson had any class, when Justin Timberlake ripped off her shirt she should have had a puppy pop out. Puppies are cute. Or, if not that, a titty with a laser beam for the nipple that fires the words "USA!" onto the crowd.

Isn't it great that, even in this age of uninhibited sexual imagery in the media and more graphic depictions of sex than ever before, that an exposed breast can still be considered news? As publicity stunts go, this is as uncreative as it gets, but hey, it worked.

President Bush: "I Only Do My Wife"

WASHINGTON D.C. -- In response to growing pressure for an independent probe into the intelligence he used to justify attacking Iraq, President Bush announced yesterday that he only makes love to one woman, Laura, his wife of 27 years.

"There's only one honey pot I put my stinger in," purred the President, who spoke in a silky smooth baritone. "And that's a sexy school teacher with two well-polished apples. Oh, yeaaaah."

The call for an independent probe into the CIA and White House was triggered by former chief weapons inspector David Kay, who said last week that he doesn't think Saddam Hussein had any weapons of mass destruction and questioned the quality of pre-war intelligence. Both Republicans and Democrats see an independent counsel as the only way to finally answer these questions without politicizing the search.

In spite of President Bush's announcement, he continues to remain agnostic about the quality of the intelligence and to emphasize that he has never had relations with other women. "Some people have claimed that we 'sexed-up' the intelligence to make the case for war. Others have claimed that the 2004 interns are very sexy. I wouldn't know. I'm not that type of man. Also, 9-11, 9-11, 9-11. "

If the probe goes forward and includes the President and his cabinet members in its scope, the timing of the probe and its findings could play a significant role in the November elections. President Bush's change of view on the need for a probe could signify that the administration wishes to resolve the issue well before the general election season, and that the President never, ever launches his Patriot missile into another country, nor would he want to.