President Bush: "I Only Do My Wife"

WASHINGTON D.C. -- In response to growing pressure for an independent probe into the intelligence he used to justify attacking Iraq, President Bush announced yesterday that he only makes love to one woman, Laura, his wife of 27 years.

"There's only one honey pot I put my stinger in," purred the President, who spoke in a silky smooth baritone. "And that's a sexy school teacher with two well-polished apples. Oh, yeaaaah."

The call for an independent probe into the CIA and White House was triggered by former chief weapons inspector David Kay, who said last week that he doesn't think Saddam Hussein had any weapons of mass destruction and questioned the quality of pre-war intelligence. Both Republicans and Democrats see an independent counsel as the only way to finally answer these questions without politicizing the search.

In spite of President Bush's announcement, he continues to remain agnostic about the quality of the intelligence and to emphasize that he has never had relations with other women. "Some people have claimed that we 'sexed-up' the intelligence to make the case for war. Others have claimed that the 2004 interns are very sexy. I wouldn't know. I'm not that type of man. Also, 9-11, 9-11, 9-11. "

If the probe goes forward and includes the President and his cabinet members in its scope, the timing of the probe and its findings could play a significant role in the November elections. President Bush's change of view on the need for a probe could signify that the administration wishes to resolve the issue well before the general election season, and that the President never, ever launches his Patriot missile into another country, nor would he want to.