Stop Me If You Heard This One Before

I went to a stand-up comedy show a few days ago and one of the opening comedians did a joke I've already heard from at least one other comedian. But right as he said it, I got hit by a form of cognitive dissonance and forgot who stole it from whom. I think he stole it…or maybe it was the hack at the Chuckle Hut last week…or that other dude last month at the Fun Factory.

If I had to pick him about of a police lineup, I fear I would let society down.

OFFICER: "Sir, can you pick out the comedian who stole the joke?"
ME: "Um…#2?"
OFFICER: "The guy in the yellow jump suit and floppy red shoes?"
ME: "Yes…no, wait. It's not him. He sells fries. #4? Maybe if I heard him?"
OFFICER: "#4, please step forward."
#4: "What the deal with sleep medications? I'm taking this new one, Sleepitor. There's a list of side effects on the bottle. You know what's the first side effect listed on it is? Drowsiness!"
OFFICER: "Thank you, that's enough."
#4: "I mean, what's next? A warning on heroin? 'May cause irritability'."
OFFICER: "I said, that's enough."
#4: "Speaking of irritability, let me tell you about my girlfriend. Boy oh boy. Here's the difference between men and women."
OFFICER: [pulls out gun] "I SAID THAT'S ENOUGH!" BAM BAM BAM [comic collapses and crumbles in a ball] "…Oh, no. What have I done?"
ME: "Justice, my friend. Justice."

But maybe I'm being too judgmental. I'm not a stand-up comic. Is joke stealing even a crime? Perhaps standup has a service similar to the Associated Press, a common pool of jokes any comedian can use when he or she is short on funny material or doesn't have the time to fly to Florida and write his or her own jokes about old people getting flu shots.

Or maybe, similar to the Illuminati, there are only 12 funny joke writers in the world, and they supply materials for all of the comedians. To maximize their efforts, they'll send the same jokes to different regions of the country and require comedians to take a blood oath promising to work local. But the oath is occasionally broken and the comedian travels, revealing the flaws in the system before he can be silenced and sent back to waiting tables (hence the high turnover rate in both industries).