Nanny 911

I watched my first episode of FOX's Nanny 911 a few nights ago. Here is a condensed transcript.

Scene: Dining room.

A middle-aged woman with unruly hair gently scoops out a spoonful of applesauce, steadies it in midair, and then pours it on top of her baby's head. The baby desperately tries to wiggle the applesauce streaming down her cheeks into her mouth. A matronly British nanny is nearby, shaking her head.

BABY: "WAHHH!"

The woman, on the verge of tears, slams the jar on the table.

MOTHER: "I don't understand. Why won't my baby eat?"

CUT TO: Dylan, the 4-year-old, is in the living room with his father. He is screaming and kicking on the floor because his dad, the brutish oaf that he is, asked him to stop smearing his feces on the wall. The nanny rolls her eyes. The mother runs into the room, lifts Dylan up and cradles him in her arms.

MOTHER: "It's okay, sweetie. Mommy is here. What happened?"

FATHER: "I kind of asked him to stop installing our walls with poop plus."

Dylan wails and tightens his grips on his mother.

MOTHER: "Daddy's sorry, honey. You can stop crying now. Mommy loves you very much."

The nanny, relying on her reflexes honed from decades of parenting, rolls her eyes again.

FATHER: "Do you think, I don't know, I mean, I don't want to intrude on your territory, but maybe we should be firm with him this time?"

She stares at her husband like he just suggested they let Dylan go on a weekend road trip with the Croc Hunter and Michael Jackson.

MOTHER: "I'm all for disciplining our children, but not if it makes them unhappy."

Out of habit, the nanny's eyes roll again. Unfortunately, they were already rolled up and are now stuck. Little Dylan, sensing something is wrong, throws a truck at the back of her head.

COMMERCIAL BREAK. Number of condom commercials: 4.

Scene: The nanny is having a heart-to-heart talk with the parents.

MOTHER: "We're not bad parents. We're just clueless."

NANNY: [under her breath] "Actually, you're bad parents."

FATHER: "What was that?"

NANNY: "Nothing. Here is the problem. Susan, you are an emotion-phobe who thinks any expression of negative emotion should be avoided. By coddling them every time they cry, you are rewarding their tantrums and undermining your husband's efforts to discipline them. Brad, you're a good father is decent instincts. But you're also a giant pussy. And both of you are letting your children sleep in your beds so you can avoid dealing with your lackluster sex life and utter lack of passion in your marriage."

Brad and Susan are stunned speechless. Dylan breaks the tension by throwing a truck.

COMMERCIAL BREAK: A post office employee points out the new services UPS is offering, including new wide-mouth mail boxes that are now large enough, the voiceover points out, to stuff a small child through them.

Scene: Montage of the next seven days. The nanny follows the parents around, shouting helpful advice like "Poop doesn't go there" and "Applesauce in the mouth." Miraculously, after only seven days, the couple's parenting skills improve greatly and the kids' rambunctious behavior is almost completely wiped out. This is because on the night of Day 6 the nanny gives up and swaps the parents and two children with look-alikes from another, superior family.

NANNY: "Well, my job is done. The Smiths has dealt with their problems, their kids are better behaved, and they are now truly a happy family. Until next week."

The family, everyone smiling, waves goodbye.

REAL MOM [from closet]: "Let us out!"

NANNY: "After the commercial break."