Waking Up

My sleeping pattern, by most definitions, is irregular. It developed that way years ago after I got laid off from a full-time job and fell apart without the daily structure.

I’ve become more aware of the oddity of my sleep habits after living with my roommate, Meghan, for a few months. I find her schedule absolutely loony. She’ll wake up 5:30 A.M., paint for an hour or two, bicycle to work, get home in the evening, and be in bed by 10:00 P.M.

I know this because once I heard her go into the bathroom to take a shower at 5:30 A.M. I remember being annoyed because I was about to brush my teeth and go to bed.

We talk about our inverse sleeping habits occasionally. Once, she told me she heard my alarm go off at 8:30.

"8:30?" I thought. "Why was I waking up so early? I'm not a farmer."

She saw I was confused. "8:30 p.m., Jason"

"Ohhhhh...."

I tell you all this to give you the proper context for what I am about to say: I woke up so late today I was angry at myself.

Even when I turn off my alarm clock and sleep in, my not-quite-natural biological clock will wake me around noon. Today, that time was 5:15 P.M.

I felt a mix of shock and confusion that Rip Van Winkle must have felt when he stretched his arms, sat up, and experienced what few humans in the world have: his beard tickling his penis.

Sign #1 you slept for too long: you go into denial when you looked at your alarm clock.

I checked my cell phone clock for confirmation. I still wasn’t convinced, so I frantically shoved the blinds away from the window. A faint orange glow was in the horizon, the beams of light fading unto dark blue and then darkness.

Wow. Over 13 hours. Seven hours left in the day, if that. Time to eat brunchnner, do four loads of laundry in half-an-hour, clean my room in five minutes, and then construct a time machine so I can go back in time and slap myself today at 11:00 A.M.

What went on for the next few hours was a kind of reverse "bullet time" where I was infused with a fervent energy and able to do three times what I can normally do in an hour. I did the same amount of work in three hours today than I did for most of yesterday.

I'm finally settling down and returning to more lethargic normalcy. I'm still trying to get a whirlwind of tasks done, but what’s sad is that I'm already starting to feel tired again. Maybe it's having sit down and working on the computer instead of running around, but I could honestly go back to bed now.

If I hadn't slept for so long, I probably would have. I have almost no resistance to naps. Naps are like crack for me, aside from the fact that they have the exact opposite effect of crack. I’ve said this to myself many times before, and I sadly suspect I will again: I really need to do something between naps and crack. Like watch a movie while doing push-ups, or meditate as I play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

If you see another half-dozen posts by the end of today, you'll know I'm still being active. Otherwise, I'll write a half-dozen when I wake up...tomorrow?