Kerry Speech Highlights

• Tonight, we're setting out again. And together, we're going to write the next great chapter of America's story. The chapter: "America Needs a Pooper Scooper."
  
  
• We're told that outsourcing jobs is good for America. We're told that jobs that pay $9,000 less than the jobs that have been lost is the best that we can do. They say this is the best economy that we've ever had. And they say anyone who thinks otherwise is a pessimist. Okay, they didn't actually say all that. But they've been saying so much crazy shit the past four years that who can tell anymore? Check this out. President Bush believes in creationism. Don't know if it's true or not, do ya? See? Crazy shit.
  
  
• And I will build a stronger military. We will add 40,000 active duty troops, not in Iraq, but to strengthen American forces that are now overstretched, overextended and under pressure. Like those in Iraq.
  
  
• We shouldn't be letting 95 percent of our container ships come into our ports without ever being physically inspected. We shouldn't be leaving nuclear and chemical plants without enough protection. And we shouldn't be opening firehouses in Baghdad and shutting them in the United States of America. We should shut them down in both places and send the jobs to China. Ha! Just kidding.
  
  
• We need to make America once again a bacon in the world. I mean, beacon. God, I'm hungry.
  
  
• You see that flag up there? We call her Old Glory, the stars and stripes forever. I fought under that flag, as did so many of those people who were here tonight and all across the country. That flag flew from the gun turret right behind my head and it was shot through and through and tattered, but it never ceased to wave in the wind. Even when the wind wasn't blowing. That's because it was a magic flag. You could even wipe your butt with it and the poop would shake right off.
  
  
• I don't wear my religion on my sleeve. I wear it on my bicep. [tears off shirt to show tattoo of Jesus with electric guitar behind him.] Jesus Rocks.
  
  
• For four years, we've heard a lot of talk about values. But values spoken without actions taken are just slogans. Actions taken without slogans are just values. And slogans that value action but don't act on slogans are empty promises, like the flag hanging in the Oval Office, which looks a lot like a magic flag. But it's not.
  
  
• As president, I will not privatize Social Security. I will not cut benefits. And together, we will make sure that senior citizens never have to cut their pills in half because they can't afford lifesaving medicine. Because then they would die, unless doctors are totally fucking with us and making seniors take more medicine than they need.
  
  
• What does it mean when Deborah Kromins from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, works and she saves all her life, and finds out that her pension has disappeared into thin air and the executive who looted it has bailed out on a golden parachute? Sure, his parachute was actually made out of gold and he plummeted to the ground at 612 mph, but then he landed on a big, soft pile of money.
  
  
• Medicare will negotiate lower drug prices for seniors. And all Americans will be able to buy less expensive prescription drugs from countries like Canada. And France. That right, France. Just to piss Republicans off.
  
  
• So now I'm going to say something that Franklin Roosevelt could never have said in his acceptance speech: Go to johnkerry.com. Also, here's something else that he could never say. I can walk.
  
  
• What if we have a president who believes in science, so we can unleash the wonders of discovery like stem-cell research and treat illness for millions of lives? Yeah, I said it: believes in science. I think he's missing that entire section from his brain. You do too. Even his friends aren't going to call me on that one. Think of how sad that is. He's going to whine to Cheney: "He can't say that. I do believe in séance. You email him to shut up." And Cheney's going to say, "Sure, Mr. President. Right after the magical delivery elf gets back from driving on the Internet." Bush: "Damn that elf! I'm not paying him to cruise around."