The VA Gubna Race

I haven’t been following the Virginia governor’s race closely. It’s between the president of the Mark Warner Fan Club and some guy named Kilgore. Kilgore sounds like a evil robot the Republican party devised during the 2000 Presidential race. Now he’s broken away from his masters and campaigning against Democratic candidates around the country. “VOTE FOR ME, HUMANS. I WILL PROTECT YOUR BROODLINGS AND DESTROY TAXES WITH MY METAL JAW.”

Oh, and there’s a third-party candidate. It was thoughtless of me to forget. Third-party candidates are very special people and we should give them as much respect as any other candidate. Because, one day, one of us may become a third-party candidate.

My main news source about the race has been the radio ads that occasionally play when my alarm clock turns on. The radio ad this morning was one of the best political ads I’ve ever heard. Do you know how it started? “Jerry Kilgore has a sugar daddy.” And it got better from there.

It wasn’t a throwaway line designed to grab people’s attention. It was the theme. The deep-throated announcer repeated “sugar daddy” half a dozen times in a 30-second ad. “Even when the corporation was under investigation, he kept taking their money. Taking it and taking it.” I forget the details, but by the end, the message was clear: Jerry Kilgore is a slut.

All I hope is that the TV version of the ad shows digitally alters Kilgore’s face so he’s wearing gobs of lipstick and blue eye-liner. And big hooker boots with “Tiffany” embroidered on them.