Hurricanes

There has been so many hurricanes this year—a record 22 of them named—that the Naming Gods have run out of pre-determined names. They are finally able to show their creativity, although they have created a bit of a commotion with their last two choices, Hurricane Asskicka and Hurricane Bitchslap.

If we were only so lucky. The dorks at the weather department are marking his momentous occasion by turning to the Greek alphabet, giving us Hurricanes Alpha and Beta.

You know what I call that? Hurricane Crap. This may be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be free of the hurricane naming rules, and they’re squandering it. They can name these hurricanes whatever they want, and we’d have no clue that they were coming up with these names on a cocktail napkin in a bar.

Almost any name is better than Alpha and Beta:

Hurricane Zeus
Hurricane God Hates You
Hurricane Shmiricane
Hurricane...of Love

If we are unfortunate enough to reach the letter D, they can at least calm people’s fears by calling it Hurricane Dude. “Hurricane Dude is still over the Florida Keys. It has been squatting there for a record two weeks. Strangely, the hurricane is only active between 2 p.m. and 2 a.m., and just gives off a faintly unpleasant odor the rest of the day.”