New Rules for Holidays

We need stricter criteria for judging who gets to celebrate holidays. For Veteran's Day, the only people who should get off are veterans. Or at least rename the holiday, "Veterans, Government Workers, Some Private Businesses, Groggy and Not Wanting To Come Into Work So I'll Call In Sick Cough Cough Day."

And Columbus Day is a joke. If you haven't subjugated at least one Native American in the past five years, get off the gravy train and go to work.

For Father's Day, your children need to have been planned. No more getting presents from accidents.

For the Fourth of July, almost everybody gets to stay home. The exception: Rush Limbaugh listeners and other chickenhawks, who get a two-week tour of duty in Iraq. And if there's room on the plane, we cen send over a few devout Christians who supported the war and think there's an asterisk next to "Thou Shalt Not Kill".