Why isn’t there a brand of corn called "Children of the Corn"? This is just the type of nutritional shortsightedness caused by a lack of vitamins that makes me angry. Drug czars and pine green giants lament that kids don't eat more vegetables, yet there isn't not one corn company brave enough to draw little faces possessed by an evil force on all the kernels.
Of course, if you are a super-intelligent German, perhaps created by Nazi scientists in the 1930s and recently awaken from your cryogenic chamber, the solution is obvious: Herr Grosse Dollars, bilden diese produkte!
Peas in a Rod—A white rod with this on it: "Hey kids! Sugar inside!" The rod is stuffed with peas. That'll teach those muthafuckers.
BroccoDoReMi—Move over Snap, Crackle, and Pop. Broccoli stems and singing sensations Do, Re, and Mi are going to Vitamin K-ick it old school.
Mixed Vegetballs—Chunks of carrots, squash, cauliflower, and tomatoes, joining forces for the first time in a duct-taped ball. Dunk it in the hoop, then in your mouth.
Mystery Bag: This bag is covered in colorful question marks. It has no name, no logo, no nutrition facts, and no UPC code. Sometimes it appears in the freezer section. Other times in seafood, or inside a box of Cocoa Puffs. What wild surprise could it be? There's only one way to find out! And that way is to read this next sentence: the bag always contains brussel sprouts.
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