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Abraham Lincoln and his All-Star Friends
Abraham Lincoln and his All-Star Friends is a half-hour sitcom that is almost exactly like Seinfeld, except Abraham Lincoln is Jerry, Bigfoot is George, a talking chicken is Elaine, and Voltaire is Kramer.
Abe, Bigfoot, Henrietta, and Voltaire all live in Topeka, Kansas, which looks exactly like New York. (In Episode 7, a passer-by will tell the gang, "Hey buddy, you're not in Kansas anymore." The gang will then start referring to the area as New York.) Abraham works at Starbucks during the day, and tries to make it as an amateur rapper at night. Each episode starts off with a short rap by Abraham that sets the stage for the show.
A Note
Abraham Lincoln's voice is not affected in any way. It stands out no more than the voice of the average Joe. It also compares favorably with unaverage Joes.
Other Characters
Bigfoot
Bigfoot, to put it mildly, is extraordinarily lazy. He attributes his laziness to his large size and "slow metabolism" but, as his mother often points out, the Yeti already owns two publishing homes and a beach home in Hawaii. Bigfoot puts most his energy into avoiding discomfort. When driving on a hot day, he will match the speed of an adjacent bus so he can stay in the bus' shade. In one episode, he plots to get a larger office because those offices have larger desks, and he has to curl in a ball when he sleeps under his current desk.
Bigfoot also falls in love very frequently. The bounce of a woman's hair or the twirl of her skirt is enough to make him smitten. Unfortunately, Bigfoot has a Big Mouth, and his dating skills leave much to be desired.
Henrietta
Besides the fact that she is dressed as a chicken in a business suit, Henrietta is the most down-to-Earth of the gang. She is the archetypal independent woman: we never see her parents, she stands up to people, and she's not shy about speaking her mind. The men she is attracted to always have a quirk about them (e.g. picks their ears, makes horse sounds in bed, only thinks about her during non-working hours.) Without Henrietta, Voltaire and Bigfoot would have blown themselves up or got thrown in jail a long time ago.
Voltaire
Absent-minded, almost brilliant, and bumbling, Voltaire is passionately engaged one moment and lost in his own fantasies the next. His thoughts are often discombobulated and scattered, and he goes on long-winded monologues about his latest fanciful theory. He spends much of his time trying to get his crazy theories to work (like "If everyone on the street uses a yellow umbrella, the rain will think it is raining on the sun. This will confuse the rain and it will start raining upwards.")
Somehow though, Voltaire always ends up being the one person who doesn't come worse off from his crazy theories.
Episode Samples
Episode 1: "What's in a Name?"
Abraham Lincoln rapping career has stalled, and he hasn't had a chance to make it to the big time. Voltaire suggests the problem is his stage name, "Slammin' Abrahamin'". The gang brainstorms new names without much success. Meanwhile, Abraham's girlfriend (Terri Hatcher) develops a sneaking suspicion that Abraham doesn't know the nickname she got for her special talent in bed.
At the end of the episode, she challenges Abraham to say her nickname, and walks out in a huff when he offers some pitiful guesses. Before she leaves, she gives him her name: "Legs." Abraham loses a babe, but the name gives him the 'A Ha!" moment for the perfect stage name: "Green Eggs and Abraham."
Episode 2: "Cock a Doodle Doo"
Henrietta is fed up with the glass ceiling at Turkey Incorporated. Although she often scrambles to cover for her bosses' screw-ups, she is invisible to the old boys club, the members of which consider her ideas "preposterous."
For instance, after four quarters of falling profits, she unsuccessfully tries to get Turkey Inc. to expand its product beyond turkeys ("But then we wouldn't be Turkey Inc.!") Voltaire suggests she gets fired and applies for a job as "Henry", dressed as a man. The plan works almost too well. She shoots up the corporate ladder in days and gets invited to a steam bath with the board. Bigfoot comes along and tries to "cover" for her.
Episode 5: "Who Has Time For Love?"
Bigfoot falls in love with Dessiré, a cute girl who works in the dark backroom of a doughnut shop. Bigfoot asks Abraham for a few love pointers. Abraham, knowing Bigfoot is setting himself up to get his heart broken, gives cynical advice in an attempt to discourage him.
"Average Joes can't compete
With guys on the street.
If you want to have the honeys /
you gotta have the money."
Short on cash but long on desire, Bigfoot asks Henrietta and Voltaire for some advice on how to make money fast and without actually doing much work. Henrietta suggests investing in a hot stock her uncle clued her in about yesterday. Voltaire suggests making a time machine, traveling 1000 years to the past, and putting a Nordic coin in a bank account. Bigfoot dismisses Voltaire's crazy scheme and calls his parents to wire him some money for, uh, "an operation to replace his appendix."
Bigfoot gets the money the next day and is about to call his broker when Voltaire visits him …in a brand-new suit, Nordic battle shield, and matching Rolodex watch.
Bigfoot runs to an antique shop and uses all his money to buy a Nordic coin. He gets back and gives the coin to Voltaire. That's when he realizes Voltaire hasn't actually tried his time machine yet--he just borrowed these items from a friend because his theory is that he needs these three objects for his time machine to work. The time machine doesn't work.
Just when things couldn't get any worse, Bigfoot's parents come with "Get Well" balloons and homemade soup for a surprise visit. They also want to see Bigfoot's appendix scar.
Episode 10: "A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse."
Episode 10 will be written entirely in iambic pentameter. This will not be announced or promoted in any way.
Episode 13: "Lucky Day"
In a first for a broadcast sitcom, the show will decide to run for only 13 episodes. In an escalating series of fortunes and misfortunes that end with the four of them sentenced to be "normal", this episode will completely tie up any loose ends in a way that precludes even the slightest possibility that the show will continue. Although some would question this strategy, this detail will probably not be the "sticking point" for getting this show to air.
The pilot script is already written, and not by monkeys. I can provide it upon request.
(Note: Image of Lincoln stolen from kid on Internet.)
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