What Is McCain Snorting?

No, he didn't say something stupid. I ask because he's 71, and he says during the campaign season he wakes us at 6:00 A.M., and goes to bed at 1:00 A.M.

I'm 31, and that's a full five hours less than my ideal sleep time. I'm a firm believer in that when creating schedule, there should be one A.M., and one P.M. Two of each means you either aren't getting enough sleep or are narcoleptic.

The presidential campaign does nothing but remind me of how unqualified I am to be President. I can't even fantasize about being President anymore. I envision myself speaking to a crowd and I think: "Ugh, I don't want to shake all these people's hands. I'm going to bed."

I'm suspicious of everyone running for President. The job itself is slightly less worse than the process to get it. It's stressful, insular, and erodes whatever ethics or principles one may have had entering politics. If you do a really good job, 55% of people will like you. If you do a great job, you get assassinated.

There has to be a better way to obtain power. You know those six mysterious bankers that supposedly control the entire world? One of them has to die sometime. Why not aim for being one of them? There has to be a cadre of backup bankers somewhere, waiting to step in when one of the original six dies. That backup banker could be you.

Better yet, get five of your banking friends and hold a press conference declaring that you all are The Six. What are the mysterious bankers going to do, come out of hiding? They're Mysterious. They don't do that. Just issue terse, cryptic statements after events like when oil hit $100 a barrel ("If only the world didn't disappoint us.") and enough people will start believing you have power that you will have power.

Chutzpah goes a long way. I am convinced this is how Paris Hilton became a celebrity. She crashed a ritzy party and everyone was too embarrassed to admit they didn't know who she was. There was one dicey conversation ("I didn't invite her. Did you invite her." "No. I thought you did." "Maybe...Carl invited her?" "I guess.") and then she was home free.

To tie this back to the original subject, I suspect McCain will win the Republican nomination. My astute political reasoning behind my belief is that the other five Republican candidates are douche bags.

To be more specific: jerk, fear mongerer, devoid of integrity, doesn't believe in evolution, and not really a douche bag, but seriously, the gold standard? "FEDERAL RESERVE: The economy needs more money. Quick, get a pick ax!"

The other candidates each have at least one huge flaw, so I think McCain will win. I also think he would make the best President out of the Republican candidates, so that's a good thing, even if it makes the general election more difficult for the Democratic nominee. A lot of good can come from competition, and I would rather have two strong candidates running for President than a strong one and a weak one.